Original subtitles

- Without you watching this video,

my life would be without purpose.

So depressing.

Firstly, I just want to say thank you,

thank you so much for.

Gah, cunt.

Hey, guys, how you guys doing tonight? Louie here.

First things first.

Happy new year!

I'm just so blooming excited.

I feel like I should be drinking champagne or something

in this video, or dropping like a miniature ball.

Yeah, that's great, a graphic of ball dropping.

Put my face on it maybe.

Yeah, I like that.

For watching, as always,

but especially today, because.

Can't find the fucking.

Because, drum roll!

Yesterday we hit our goal

of 4 million subscribers!

You guys really are the best, but now, as promised,

on to my annual new year's post.

It's the 2nd, so you've gotta gimme credit

for getting it in before good Friday.

Add the graphics, celebratory music.

Yeah, that's it.

All right, so, first question

is from Mildred, aw, Mildred.

That's my mum's name.

Wait, mum, is that you?

All right, so what's your new year's revolution?

What?

It's two o'clock in the morning.

And then.

Come on, wake up, dude!

Think hot coffee.

Cold water!

Cold water!

So, Mildred asks, "what's your new year's resolution?"

Well, Mildred.

I'll be tackling cooking this year.

My girlfriend got me this slow cooker for Christmas,

and I intend to slowly cook a lot.

I actually signed up for a class,

'cause I have no idea how to cut vegetables

and that was completely rubbish,

so you can cut that last line.

For me, if the first step isn't remove from package,

and the second step isn't put in microwave,

then I have no idea what I'm doing,

so I signed up for a class,

because I don't have any idea how to use a knife.

- I do! - Yo, what the fuck!

Okay, no, no, no, no, please, please.

Wait.

Action.

Can we watch it?

- Ah! - Finally!

Wow.

- We're here! - I love it.

- This place is huge!

- Yes. - It's cozy, right?

- Stop. - No.

It looks kinda haunted!

No, I'm just kidding.

- I tried. - It's not haunted.

- Of course not. - Look, we have a lion.

- Not bad, right? - One lion.

Only one lion?

Do you know if it's in operation

or not? - Oh my god, doogie.

- Oh. - I'm all right.

- Sorry, Doug.

- How about, no, accidents on day one.

- I should probably- - let's chill out.

- Yeah, all right.

I'll get down, I'll get down.

- Hell no! - They gave me a key.

- No, clearly I do. - Whoa, it's unlocked.

Yeah, they gave me a key, but it's not, look.

- Well, let's check it out. - How very inviting, huh?

- Right. - Welcome, welcome to "cribs!"

Some stranger's house.

We got this chest from the deck of the Titanic,

and we keep our most valuable

pine cones.

This chandelier also from the Titanic.

Wicker basket, you guessed it, from the Titanic.

And.

What the fuck?

This lamp, it looks like a lamp,

but it's actually a tiny house.

What?

I can't even with these paintings.

And now, our most exquisite room.

Well, what you doin'?

It's locked.

- Well, yeah and probably for good reason.

Now come help us unload?

Chop chop!

- Hey.

Feel like belle from "beauty and the beast."

Well, you definitely look more like the beast.

- You're gonna cringe at that joke

when you're going through the footage later.

- Hey, Aaron, will you help get the food from the car,

and then start dinner with Joanna?

Me and Doug will take care of gear.

You don't want a man to do the heavy lifting?

No, she wants a man

to do the cooking and cleaning, belle.

Okay.

Now, that just makes you look stupid,

because belle had like an army of ke-ramic slaves

doing everything for her.

Uh-huh.

Do you mean ceramic?

- All done?

Yes and no.

- What do you mean?

- Well, it means nobody's home, Robin.

Doesn't matter how many of these I drop off.

- Yeah, I mean, but a lot of the scenes are at night.

We can't be getting- - well, I know,

but this is a winter town and it's summer,

so the people who probably own these homes

are at their beach houses or something.

- Yeah, but if we get interruptions, and we're supposed-

- we won't get any interruptions,

are you kidding me?

- Guys, they left a note.

You ready? Cody, you ready?

Okay.

"Dear cast and crew of 'lover's weekend,'

"hope the trip was safe.

"We left a case of beers in the fridge."

Yes!

"May your journey toward untruth

"take you to unexpected places.

"Sincerely, the havermans.

"P.s. We don't have Internet, service is shoddy,

"but house phone works."

And there's a quote at the bottom, which I'll let you read.

- "What is filmmaking, but groping in the dark?

"Alexander Payne."

So much fuzz. - Got a hair on there?

I don't think anyone's gonna see that.

- I wanna look- - Robin.

I wanna look put together!

You always look put together.

It's like your life- - oh!

- Is put together. - Well, thank you.

You shoot your first feature tomorrow.

- Mm-hmm. - Tell me about it.

- Okay, yeah, so it's about me,

and my boyfriend, both.

Well, my boyfriend, it's about both of us.

It's about.

Sorry, okay, i'm gonna start again.

I can't- - you are awful at this.

- I'm really bad at pitching, okay.

Okay. - Yeah, clearly,

your husband is your only investor.

- Hey, hey, hey, don't spoil the movie.

Binny, this is a behind-the-scenes documentary.

If someone watches this before the actual film,

they're sociopaths. - Still.

I have to explain the plot first, so, context.

Yeah, I'm painfully aware of that fact.

Okay, okay, geez.

So, this movie is about a long weekend

that I spent with my boyfriend, at the time,

now husband. - Ooh.

- I'm gettin' to the bones.

Okay.

- Good morning. - Jesus.

Oh, you scared me.

You found Cody's camera.

Well, she was interested

in behind-the-scenes footage.

Might be useful.

You okay? - Yeah, yeah, of course.

Just trying to be helpful.

- That's all you've been doing.

None of this would be possible without you.

I very much appreciate it.

That feels surprisingly nice.

You are one lucky woman.

- Now go on.

You said I could paint without any distractions.

But he actually found out

both of his parents were killed

in a car crash on Christmas day.

And, yeah, we got snowed in that day

and anyway, secrets were shared

and our relationship evolved.

It was, yeah, it was, you know.

And then more coming. - Tell 'em about the house.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, we won a contest.

Yeah, this film, this couple, they love film or whatever,

and they ran a contest for a filmmaker

to come and shoot at their winter home.

I just had to write about my passion for film.

They didn't wanna know about the film?

- No, I mean, I wrote a little about it, but, no,

they wanted to know about the filmmaker, specifically.

What'd you write about?

- I don't really remember.

I just did it on a whim, you know?

I didn't think- - ooh, just did it on a whim!

- Oh, yeah. - No big deal.

Brushing off the shoulders.

Yeah.

Okay, introduce the crew.

- Okay, yeah.

There's Aaron.

He's very passionate about his craft.

He's a friend from college.

- I'm serious, I was 15, and my buddy pulls out this photo,

and it's literally a picture of a penguin's butthole

that's taking a poop. - What?

- And he drew little eyes on top of it and a little mouth.

- Gross. - And it looks like a little.

- I'm like, how do you even find a penguin butthole

to take a picture?

And then there's Joanna.

And she doesn't look anything like me, obviously,

but she had the best performance,

and I really wanted to cast based on that.

She was, oh, she was awesome.

And then there's doogie, or Doug,

I guess he insists on being called now.

We've known him since kindergarten, mm-hmm.

Forever.

And then there's you,

my sweet baby sister.

- Mm.

- Rockin' the behind-the-scenes.

And that's it, yeah, we're small.

Sweet, okay.

I think I'm gonna take this audio

and then I'm gonna layer it over the footage

that we got in the Van this morning.

I think that will look pretty cool.

- Okay.

You don't like that?

- I said okay.

Yeah, but you made the face.

- What face? I didn't make a face.

No, you made the face that mom always makes

when she thinks i'm making bad choices.

- Okay, well, you do that face too, plenty of times.

So you admit you made the face?

Oh shit.

Dang it! Caught in a lie.

I'll look at it, but, I don't know,

it kinda feels a little hokey, you think?

My thoughts on documentary are a little more, you know,

like maysles' brothers, let the story just kind of happen.

Don't, like, try to- - what story?

I'm not trying to shoot some award winning documentary here.

I'm just trying to get some bonus feature DVD kind of stuff.

- Well, I don't know.

I thought your perspective on the whole thing

would be really interesting.

Maybe you wanna explore that.

- Why explore something so disturbing?

No, but seriously,

get my camera away from the water.

I am terrified!

That is my soul you are holding.

No, no, don't get it in the hot tub!

- Stella!

That's my baby! - Come on! Speech!

- Hey, are you ready? - Yes, ready, thank you.

Recording, Rob.

- Okay, first, I would like to thank everyone

for being here.

Having you all here couldn't make me happier.

No, I really, I seriously couldn't spare

a single one of you.

You're a part of something that I really,

I really believe in, and I think, hopefully,

you believe in too.

Aw, don't cry.

- I'm not, no, it's the water!

I need to get through this.

- Okay. - Okay, shh.

- No, this is, this is.

This is, you have no idea how,

how important it is for me to tell this story,

and you guys are each doing like four or five jobs

and that's to help me get to tell it, so.

Aw.

- Just, thank you.

From the bottom of my heart,

so much gratitude. - Thank you!

- We appreciate- - cheers!

- I owe you for life. - Cheers!

- Cheers!

What is that?

Joanna, you awake?

First shot of the movie-ola!

- You like the makeshift Dolly I have for the scene?

Eh, it's all right,

it's a little sketchy. - Yeah, I know.

Look how into it she is, prepped.

Letting nothing infringe on her focus.

- Grab the boom, please.

- Yes! - Thank you.

Let's do it. - Do it!

Okay, okay, okay, rolling.

- Scene 17, take one.

Action.

- Wow.

- You like it?

- It's beautiful.

Must have cost a fortune.

- We never get away and I thought.

Shit! Line?

Cut.

Okay.

- Wow.

- You like it?

- It's beautiful.

It must have cost a fortune.

- Well, we've never really been on vacation before.

Okay, back to one.

- Seriously?

- What? Did I say the wrong line?

- Yeah, no, it's not a huge deal.

I like the tone, but that wording is really important-

- cutting camera.

I just couldn't sleep.

Yeah, was it that noise?

- No, what noise?

I don't know, just something weird in the woods.

But why couldn't you sleep?

My friend from high school died recently.

Aaron, I'm so sorry.

- It was some undiagnosed stomach issue.

It just happened in his sleep.

Geez.

What kind of person do you have to be

to write a goodbye on someone's Facebook wall?

Like, to assume that there's an afterlife,

and that afterlife is so boring,

the person wants to check Facebook.

That's what kept you up at night?

That, and my never-ending fear of mortality.

Wait, what was that noise you were talking about before?

- Animal maybe?

- Doing what?

- I don't know. - No, it's too repetitive.

It has to be human.

- All right, guys, let's do this.

Let's get back to work.

- Well, I don't want to freak you out, but I mean,

what if bigfoot- - Aaron, you feeling better?

Oh, yeah, yeah, much better.

Food really helped. - Are you serious?

- Yeah, I mean, it's not out of the realm of possibility,

I mean, densely wooded area- - oh, hey, can we?

- It's also, they're known to be nocturnal.

- Doug, it's not bigfoot.

- We'll be good around 10?

- Yeah, that's fine. - Awesome.

- You hear that?

Yeah, it's louder this time.

- It's that noise again.

Someone chopping wood.

- Really? - Yeah.

Who chops wood at 2 A.M.?

I don't know, but that's what it is.

- How do you know?

I grew up in the mountains.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

For some reason, I thought you grew up in a hotel.

Okay, no one grows up in a hotel.

- Tell that to the kid from "dunston checks in."

Guys, shh!

I'm gonna say something.

- No, don't, don't, don't, don't.

- Hey! Do your chores during the day like everyone else!

Hello?

Anyone out there?

- Seriously? - Oh, god!

- Guys, we have to be up in three hours.

- Sorry, man.

Well, good night, you fuckin' weirdo.

- I mean, I like what he's doing.

Especially making it naturalistic for his character.

- I know, and I trust you, I really do.

I just think, you wrote all these natural flourishes,

and I just- - I know the lines.

I'm not saying that you don't.

- Well, that's not really the problem.

- Robin, can we talk about the mantle piece for a minute?

I just feel like it's a little bare, considering-

- I'm trying to talk to my actors.

- But I'm taking about- - you said you could do this.

- I said that we could do this.

- Can I talk to my actors?

You need to get the cues so- - I will.

- She knows when to come- - I'm gonna get 'em, Robin.

- Oh great, now I look like the difficult actress.

Drama!

- Turn it off.

Ooh, now i'm in the drama!

- Turn it off!

- Hey, Cody, have you seen my headphones?

No.

- Uh-oh.

What?

- Aaron and I just have very different approaches to acting.

I'm classically trained,

and he- - and he's never even

heard of stanislavsky?

- You said it, not me.

Look, I'm trying to decide if I wanna say this

on camera or not.

I think it's a compliment, but-

- well, now you have to say it.

- I read your sister's script and, I just knew.

It's really honest.

It's really rare.

Are you okay with how honest it is?

Yeah, it's totally fine.

It's not a big deal. - Yeah?

Because.

We shoot that scene tomorrow, and it's really intense.

I know you're gonna be watching.

I guess I need to know

that you're gonna be comfortable with it.

Robin and I hadn't been talking for a while.

I don't know.

She kind of sent this script as like an olive branch.

And you're right.

It was just brutally honest in ways

that she had never been before.

So I'm not just okay with it.

I'm happy it exists.

- Good.

'Cause I think it's gonna be really good.

All right, I gotta get back in there.

Hey, I have an extra pair of headphones,

if you wanna use 'em.

- You do? - Yeah.

- You're not using them? - No.

- Thank you! Okay, you're a life saver.

I have this playlist I like to listen to before

to get me in.

- Not now, Cody. - Mm, come on.

I gotta get your thoughts.

- My thoughts are that we just lost half a day

from that argument, and I gotta figure out what scenes

we can lose to make up for it.

If you don't wanna talk about it,

I'm thinkin' that I should see that essay.

- What essay?

The one that you wrote to get to this house.

I mean, like to win this.

I mean, I was thinking that if it's good enough,

then I could read it out loud-

- no, no, no. - Then I'm gonna cut it in

with the last- - I don't have it any more.

Well, it must be in your email or something.

You must have it somewhere? - Cody, no.

I'll go talk to doogie then.

- Oh, can you not, please?

He's finding all of this very overwhelming.

Well, if you need someone else on set,

why don't you just call your husband?

I mean, Max is probably available.

- We're kind of on a break right now.

No, not a break, just like,

we're just using the time apart to think about.

Will you delete that, actually, what I just said?

I shouldn't.

It's not what I meant.

- Yeah. - Will you do it now, please?

Yeah, yeah, I got you.

Please, I don't want the chance of him hearing it.

Will you just do it?

Yeah, I'll delete it right now.

What the fuck are you doing?

If something's wrong, I said to come talk to me.

You know that. - There's nothing wrong.

Good.

I brought you something.

Where are your manners?

- Can I have it please?

What did you bring me?

Please and thank you.

- Thank you so much, it means a lot.

Okay, open it.

- Well, what is it? - She's drawing now.

- Okay.

You see, I think she still loves you.

- I don't know.

It's pretty verbatim.

- I mean, so he actually said these things to you?

He was lashing out at whoever was close to him.

- Okay, I mean, it just, it kinda seems like

he's being a bit condescending.

- Yeah, I mean, his world just ended, right?

His reactions are not gonna be the normal Max reactions.

- Yeah.

- Hey, it's a pretty big scene today.

I'm sure I can manage here without you.

No, no, no, no, I want to help, Doug.

- All right,

in that case, I gotta put a bigger light here,

if you wouldn't mind, yeah? - Oh, yeah, of course.

Just need to give it a little tug here,

and you should be good.

- Ooh, pro. - Like a pro.

- Hey, you okay? - Yeah, yeah.

I was just helping him doog, Doug.

- Mind if I use your camera? I wanna get a second angle.

- Yeah, of course. - Thank you.

Action.

- I need you to be open right now, Robin, for me.

I can't handle this emotional shutdown, okay?

If you have something to say to me,

if you have something to tell me, then just fucking say it!

- My dad would molest my sister in front of me.

- What?

- He would say, "if you tell anyone,

"then I'll do the same thing to you."

He made me stay in the room every time,

I think just to keep the fear fresh.

It worked, 'cause you're the first person I'm telling.

God!

And the only reason it stopped,

is because he died of a heart attack.

He would make me turn on a movie,

full volume, I think, so my mom couldn't hear.

I should have stopped it, I should have.

- You're disgusting.

- What? - How?

How could you let that piece of shit even do that to her?

How could you let him?

- Are you fucking kidding me? - Someone's at the door.

- Cody, we're gonna look nuts if we answer with a camera.

Hey, and don't say anything, okay?

No macho confrontational bullshit.

Evening. - Good evening.

You aren't the havermans.

No, no, we aren't,

but they're letting us film here.

I forgot my air freshener here.

Oh, we're making a movie.

- Oh.

Hey, where's your car?

Is it pornography?

No, it's not.

It's, no, it's a drama.

- My husband wanted to apologize for the other night.

He doesn't sleep well like you and I.

- Oh? - Ah, the chopping sound.

- Oh. - Yes.

He chops wood.

He has anxiety.

Who doesn't?

- I don't.

I don't mean to be weird,

but we were actually just in the middle of shooting a scene.

- Quite all right, I should get going anyhow.

I have a long day tomorrow.

Well, good day.

Well, you're welcome to come to our wrap party,

and we'd love to meet your husband as well.

Nice to see y'all.

- Yeah, but thanks, have a nice night.

You filmed that whole thing, didn't you?

What's wrong with her?

Ugh, let's just shoot this scene.

I cannot do another 14-hour day.

- Yeah, yeah, let's do this.

Hey.

- Hey, what are you doin'?

- Just helping out a little.

Well, I mean, it was a pretty intense day, don't you think?

- Yeah, yeah, that woman really creeped me out.

- Well, I mean, she was a little weird,

but I meant like the work we did today.

Do you wanna, like that scene- - have you?

Have you locked the doors?

I don't feel comfortable with her around.

You know what I mean?

- Cody, I wanna talk about that scene.

- I really think we should lock the doors.

- I mean, is that really what's bothering you?

That was like some heavy stuff, you know?

What?

Hey.

It's closer.

I'm gonna tell him to move, at least.

Hey, man, you're scaring people!

You mind going closer to your house?

You're first.

What did he just say?

What the hell?

Are you fucking kidding me?

- Give me the camera. - Aaron, don't do it-

- I'm gonna stop this shit. - Don't be an idiot, don't!

Got me chasing through the woods

in my fuckin' boxers!

Show yourself, man.

What the fuck?

Aaron!

What's wrong?

What happened?

- Someone's inside.

Take this.

Stop recording.

Goodnight, I'll see you in the morning.

I'm not sleeping tonight.

They had to be gluten-free, too.

- I'm telling you, someone just didn't close the door

and a critter walked in.

- Okay, how can an animal open a fridge?

- You don't- - this isn't funny.

- You don't know what could be or could possibly not be.

I mean, she said she saw something

and it may be, I don't know.

We could go to town, I mean,

maybe this is like a thing here.

No, we can't do that.

We're losing so much day light.

- Are you filming right now?

Would you excuse us for a second?

You just can't turn it off, can you?

- What?

This gross invasion of my privacy.

- Cody, calm down, all right.

I just need you to chill out for a second.

This is all like a setup, isn't it?

- You wanted to be a part of this project.

I am trying to help you.

Then stop filming me.

- You know, I think you're just,

you're reacting to the emotional stress

of yesterday's scene right now.

I cannot believe you just said that.

- What?

When I read your script, it felt like,

like you were finally admitting what you did wrong.

- I was.

I am catching you filming me,

manipulating me. - What?

Are you hearing yourself?

That's crazy.

I mean, it's written in the script, isn't it?

- What, what, I don't- - so stupid, so...

- What the fuck?

You're the fucking protagonist!

You're taking this very real thing that happened to me,

and you're taking my real emotions,

and you're using it to exploit me.

To tell your story.

- Hey.

Now, you come here, sit down.

That is-

- I doubt you even care about me.

Look, I'm sorry.

That's not true, I do care.

I thought I was helping.

I'm not good at this.

What can I do?

- Nothing.

I don't know, I don't know.

This doesn't feel right.

Like everything's wrong here.

Like, it's like, it's the woman and it's the fridge

and the noises at night- - all right.

- You don't, you weren't there,

you don't- - hey, hey, listen.

What is it that you think we should do?

I mean, what would make you feel better about all of this?

I hear you-

- please, let's just call the cops.

- Cody, I'm not trying to be a bitch,

but they're gonna laugh in our face.

I mean, what do we say to them?

- I know, but if, but if i-

- hey, okay, I have an idea.

We have a full day of filming today,

but when we're done,

why don't we go into town, we'll get some dinner.

We'll relax a little bit.

We'll get out of the house.

I think the isolation is just getting

to you a little bit, okay?

- Okay.

Like all your problems have melted away.

For the moment, at least.

Good, perfect, cut!

Gorgeous, let's do it one more time.

A little lower.

Lower, lower, lower.

- Still don't know you managed to do this.

- Oh yeah, how's chore prison over there, doogster?

That should be you!

- No, I thought- - oh, here it comes.

I've done my share.

- I don't know, I just thought when you said the window

doesn't come back up-

- that I was joking?

- I didn't think.

- That's hilarious.

- Listen, he saved the day and you almost ruined it.

When that waitress looked at you like...

Oh, yes.

That was not even my fault.

She was just crazy.

Wait, tell the story again.

- No, no, no, god, please don't.

Do not. - No.

We can't retell that story.

Why, I want it for the behind the scenes.

- Honestly, Cody, you had to be there.

It would be awkward to retell that story.

- Hey, you gotta keep that thing rolling.

Behind the scenes. - Shit.

- Sorry, you missed it, kiddo.

- Hey, by the way, how you feelin'?

Good.

Town was not as far away as I thought.

- Yeah, nope.

Told ya.

And, guys, I think I got it.

Look at that!

- I owe this bastard five bucks.

Oh my god.

Morning.

- Morning.

- Oh, the room was very-

- everything all right?

- Yeah, the phone's not working.

What?

- It's probably nothing.

You trying morse code?

- Sorry, just, I haven't talked to my husband

since I got here.

I don't know, it's not fair.

All he's done for me, I just.

I want everything to be okay, you know?

It's okay.

You know, I'll go town and I'll call him.

And then I'll find someone that can fix the phone

and bring him back here, okay?

- Yeah.

Thanks.

Focus on the movie.

- Yeah.

- You know we could...

We could...

We could do the scene, the parent scene.

That way Joanna could, she could help.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

- 35,000 feet in the air and dropping,

there's nothing you can do.

And that makes it far worse.

- My mic keeps falling.

The car doesn't start.

Oh, whoa, what do you mean?

What the fuck did I just say?

The car, it does not fucking start.

You're okay, we're all okay.

- I mean, we've got a broken phone.

We have crazy neighbors.

I mean, how does no one else see that this is an issue?

Let's just calm down.

- Fuck you.

Turn it off.

No more fucking cameras.

- Here, drink this.

- We have to do something.

Cody, I know you're worried,

but it's probably nothing.

- I don't wanna be stuck here, Robin.

- We won't be.

- Yeah, the car definitely isn't working.

- Guys, this is probably a coincidence,

a random series of events.

Trust me, I don't like

that the car's not working either, but.

- This is more than just some stupid phone call

to your fucking husband.

I mean, I feel like, something bad's happening.

- Could you tell what was wrong with the car?

- No.

Well, did someone tamper with it?

Did someone break something?

- Wait, why would anyone do that?

- I mean, look, i'm not a huge car guy,

but all the obvious things are fine.

- Robin, I'm really freaked out.

- Listen, I'll just walk to town.

- No, Doug, we need you here.

You're my dp.

Once Cody calms down-

- I'm not gonna calm down.

- Look, okay, I get it, I see your point of view.

Listen, that's why I gotta go.

You need your actors here.

Cody's in no shape to go anywhere.

Let's be honest, you can still shoot something without me.

I wanna go to town.

- Well, then fucking go, okay!

Don't talk to her that way.

- I'm sorry, I didn't.

We're just so far behind.

I feel like this is my one chance and I'm blowing it.

Oh, you mean I'm blowing it.

- No, god.

Cody, I don't- - Cody, come on.

- Just give her a second.

- Look.

Robin, I know that you think that Cody's overreacting here.

I mean, but not having a car or a phone.

I mean, what if there's an accident?

- Yeah, I know, but I need you here.

- Listen, you have the shot list, you'll be fine.

Robin, Cody is scared!

And when we were kids I saw her scared and I did nothing.

And I won't let that happen again.

Look, it should take me about an hour and a half

to get to town and I don't know how long

to find a tow truck after that.

Hey, look, everything's gonna be all right.

Town's not that far, remember?

- Yeah.

- Come here.

- I know that you're kicking off customers

for fucking employees.

No, listen to me, asshole!

I need to get on that fucking plane

because my parents are fucking dead!

No, don't you fucking dare.

I'm gonna get on that fucking plane, you understand me?

I need to be there, I need to fucking be there!

Fuck you!

That motherfucker!

Okay, what the fuck?

- A rock.

- What is it?

"Give them pleasure, the same pleasure they have

"when waking up from a nightmare?"

Alfred Hitchcock.

- Is this you?

- What?

- Is this you, are you doing this?

Are you fucking with me?

- No, I would never.

- You're taking advantage.

This is all for some fucking documentary about me, isn't it?

- Cody, there are no cameras running.

- You want me to act out.

You want me to freak out.

It's her, it's her, it's just all a show!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, girls, girls, girls.

Let's just go sit down, okay?

♪ Look who's here, look who's here ♪

♪ there's a boy I'm mad about

♪ oh my dear, when he's near

♪ so big and strong, so full of youth ♪

♪ oh momma, oh poppa, tell me the truth ♪

Hey.

You need a ride?

- You headed to town?

If you don't mind.

Doogie, get in.

- How do you know my-

- we don't know that, Joanna.

We just don't know how long it takes

to walk to town, all right?

- Cody's right!

Someone is fucking with us.

- We should go find a neighbor.

Robin, we have to assume

that Doug already tried that, if he'd seen anyone home.

- Why wouldn't anyone be home?

- He was handing out the gift baskets

and that's what he said, right?

- We should at least try.

I mean, he only hit the houses out front on the main road.

There are a lot more back in the woods

that we didn't drive by and he probably didn't get to.

- Robin, we're losing it here.

I just think it's a foolish idea

to go wandering through the woods at night.

- Listen to me, Cody has been trying to warn us, me,

about all this and I've been too focused on my movie

to listen to her.

She's not crazy for being as scared as she is.

We're crazy for not listening to her.

- We're all crazy.

Damn it, all right, I'll go.

- Thank you. - We should all go.

- No, no, no, no, you should honestly stay here with Cody.

- You can't just leave three girls alone.

- Yes, I can.

- Fine.

'Cause we're women we can't handle ourselves?

- Right.

- Look, I'm just as feminist as the next girl.

Someone threw a fucking rock through the window.

I'm legitimately creeped out.

- Yeah, we should stay together.

- Robin, you will be together.

I'll be fine.

Okay?

I promise.

- Yeah, okay.

- All right.

Lock the doors after me.

Hey.

I'll be right back, all right?

And just so you know that it's me

I'm gonna ring the doorbell once

and then two quick times, okay?

Like ding, ding, ding.

- Okay.

Yeah. - Okay?

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

- And if you hear any other type of ring,

you don't even come to the door.

- Wait.

- Are you gonna try next door?

- She was fucking weird, right?

And the chopping outside, it's not normal.

- I know, I just-

- I'll save 'em for last.

- Okay, just come back soon.

- I will, I'll be right back, all right?

- Where are they?

We're just fucking sitting here!

- Stop, Cody! - It's stupid!

- I can't.

Please just stop, you're making it worse.

- I'm making it worse?

Fuck this, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

- Is that the phone?

- The phone works.

The phone works!

- Answer it, go answer it, go answer it!

- Hello?

Oh my god, it's Doug!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi.

He has a tow truck and he's five minutes away.

- Yes, yes, yes!

- Okay. - What took you so long?

He did get lost.

Yeah.

Well, we're gonna stay here, of course.

I love you, doogie.

See you soon.

Thank fucking god.

- Thank fuckin' doogie!

- Yeah. - Doogie.

Oh, he totally made it!

- Okay, we have a phone that works.

Who do we call?

Oh, I should call my husband.

Tell him I'm okay.

No, I meant like the cops.

- Yeah. - Why?

I mean, Doug said he was coming, right?

- Well, yeah, but, Robin, someone threw a rock

through our window.

I mean, that's not-

- okay, okay, sure, but just.

I'll call Max really fast.

Who knows how long that phone call could take?

I'll just tell him I'm okay

and then we'll call the cops right after, I promise.

I'll be fast.

- Fine.

Hey, babe.

Oh my god, no wait, guys.

He's on his way here.

- Really? - Yeah, to surprise me.

Ah, that's so fantastic.

No, the shoot's been good,

there's just some weird stuff has happened.

Hey, do you mind?

No, we're fine.

I mean, we're gonna call the cops in a second.

- I think I'm gonna take a shower,

kinda calm down a little bit.

Do you need anything?

I'm all right.

- Cody, I think if someone were trying to, I don't know,

do whatever, then why would the phone

start ringing again?

I'm with you, that rock was scary,

but if someone's trying to fuck with us

that's just what they're doing.

They're just fucking with us.

- You're right.

- It's gonna be okay.

You home?

Hello?

Hello?

Guys, anyone home?

We just need help.

Our car is broken down.

- Yeah, I know.

It's been an interesting week.

Help!

Doug!

Help!

Doug!

Make it stop!

Where are you, man?

I'm hurt, please.

- What are you doing out there?

I was worried about you, man.

What the?

Please.

Please, don't kill me.

Please.

Are you scared?

- Yes.

Yes.

I envy you.

Leave it.

Go on, get the bucket.

You understand what i'm trying to do, right?

- Yes, of course.

Good.

I know you have a different vision

for how this would pan out.

I did this for all of us.

Give me your eyes.

Because we're a family.

- Yes.

There's no one in the world I trust more.

Gold star.

Faith.

It's an important quality to have.

It's something I admire about you.

Don't forget the pinky toe.

Oh.

It's just been problem after problem.

I'm glad you're coming.

I'm excited to see you, too.

How did Doug know our number?

Oh, just one second.

- When I was talking to him on the phone,

he seemed different.

He seemed odd.

He didn't correct me.

- Didn't correct what?

- I called him Dougie and he didn't correct me.

- Sorry, babe, we need to call the police.

I'll call you back right after, I promise.

- No!

No!

No!

- Hello?

Max, are you there?

It's dead again.

Max?

Max, oh fuck!

Like how does that happen?

- Where's Joanna?

She's upstairs taking a shower.

- Oh god.

Joanna, are you in there?

Joanna?

You said she was in the shower?

- I know, but I don't hear the water running.

- Oh, thank god.

- What?

- It's Aaron. - No, it could be anyone.

- He did our secret ring, it's him.

- Girl scout cookies?

- Oh my god, run, run! - Don't be scared.

Oh god, no, no, no, no no!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

Oh my god, no!

No!

Oh, oh, oh, no!

- We have to get up.

We have to get up.

Cody, you have to get up, we gotta get up.

We gotta go.

- Oh, there you are, Peter.

- Where, where?

Come here, come here.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Get down, get down.

- No! - Get down!

- Please, please, don't leave me.

She's...

She's right...

- Look in my eyes, she can't get in.

Scooch.

Girls, Robin, Cody?

- I don't wanna die.

I just wanna tell you a story.

It's about Paul bunyan!

Fuck, this is harder than I thought.

- No, no, no, no!

The lumberjack extraordinaire!

- I can not!

No. - Fee, fie, foe, fum!

I smell the blood of two bitches!

You were always braver than me.

Your tears bring me pleasure.

I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna murder you.

- Come on.

We're gonna rush him.

Come on, come on, we're gonna make it!

Who could that be?

Come on.

Robin?

Robin?

Robin, you here?

- Max!

- Where are you guys? - Max, run!

Max, just fucking run!

- What happened to this door?

What kind of movie are you guys shooting?

What's going on, you okay?

Holy shit!

Who the fuck are them?

- Did you see them, did you see the people?

There's these people and they've been trying to hurt us.

- Okay, okay, you okay?

I see you, okay?

- We have to go, we have to go!

We have to go right now, we have to go right now!

Cody, let's go.

Cody, let's go!

Come, come on, come on.

- No. - Yes, yes, we're going.

- No, no.

- Come on. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Wait, no, no, no, stop!

- We have to go. - Stop!

It's like they're one step ahead of us!

You know it.

They knew.

- Let's go.

- They orchestrated everything.

It's like they knew.

- It's okay. - What's she talking about?

- They knew. - I don't know.

- They knew.

- Cody.

- Look.

- I don't see anything.

- They're filming us.

- Those sick fucks, why?

- Oh, he's back.

- What?

- He's back for us.

- Cody, who's back?

What is it, what is it?

- Ah, binny it's him.

- Who? - He came back for us.

It's dad, he's back.

He knew, he knows that we're friends

and he can't handle it, and he's gonna come back for me.

- Cody, stop! - And he's always

been back for me. - Cody, stop!

And he could never leave me. - Just shut up!

You need to pull yourself together, okay?

'Cause we're gonna get outta this.

We're gonna get outta this.

- No, we're not.

Binny, we're never getting out of this.

- Okay, okay, if they're filming us,

then they're listening to us.

So.

What do we do?

- We do something unexpected.

Come on, come on, over here, come on.

Let's go!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Robin, wait, wait!

Ah, fuck, ah, get it off!

Get it off! - Hold still, I'm trying!

Max.

Can you walk?

Take the camera.

Okay.

And I'll help, I'll help Max.

Okay, come on, come on, you have to get up.

Ah, fuck!

Okay, all right, all right, okay.

I'm gonna turn the camera off, okay?

- No, no, no, no, no, there could be more of those things!

Okay, we'll, just cover the light

and we'll use it sparingly, okay?

Here.

It wastes battery to turn it off and on.

- Okay.

Okay, all right.

I just need to, I need to wrap my head around this one.

What exactly happened?

I don't know, they-

- they what?

They showed up.

They showed up doing what?

Why didn't you call the cops?

We tried, but they turned

our fucking phones off, Max.

- There's just a lot of things you could've done here

and I'm just not sure you did everything.

I just need some answers!

It's not really the time, okay?

Okay, no, but I need to know what's going on, okay?

No more secrets, no more excuses!

He'll hear us.

Who is going to hear us?

Your dead father?

Why would she say that, Robin?

What does that have to do

with any of this?

You didn't tell him.

Tell me what?

- Cody.

What was that?

What was that script?

- Cody, it's how I feel.

It just might not have happened that way.

And so that's what that moment was?

Just script fodder.

Something to make your character more complicated!

- Cody, please.

You are disgusting.

- Don't use that word.

Cody, run!

Oh, fuck!

- Slow it down.

- Oh, faster, faster, faster.

The sun's coming up soon, so.

God knows how long I've been out here.

I just wanted to say something to

you.

People are gonna know what happened here.

You thought you planned it so perfectly,

but you made a mistake.

You left an opening for me.

Happy new year!

I'm just so blooming excited.

Ah, the day, I fell in love with directing.

I'm not sure that it's working.

Mm-hmm, it must be in the movie, I love it.

- Yeah, it's confusing.

I just...

I just feel like the audience's expectations

are that this will come back later.

It isn't clear that it's your first experience

with a camera.

And you can't lose your audience at the beginning

then you're fucked.

- Remember your push back with the cheetah footage?

Work with me on this.

I don't wanna have another fight.

- Yeah.

Is this hard?

- To edit?

No.

To watch your friends die?

Robin.

- Yes?

I asked is it hard to watch your friends die?

- No, not any more.

I've gotten numb to it.

Also, I'm excited.

Really?

- Yeah. - I couldn't tell.

- No, I am.

I think it's gonna be very good.

Excellent.

A work of art.

I'll buy that for a dollar.

- Should I make dinner soon?

That would be wonderful.

- Okay.

- I love the exposed wood in the ceilings.

There's a stray bulb on set.

Can you remove it for picture?

I think we're ready.

I love the symmetry of your composition, doogie.

Very well done today.

You've earned this.

Be a free man now.

First marks, doogie?

- Can I say something to them first, please?

That would depend on what you're going to say?

- Just good things.

Only good things.

Fine.

- Robin.

Do everything they say-

- that's enough!

Little to your right.

Ah! A little smidge back to your left.

Perfect.

If you'd please.

- We're all crazy.

- Help, someone!

That's not gonna help.

- Show me your face, you fucking coward.

- Funny coming from you.

I'll show you right now.

- Who are you?

- I think you can do a better question.

- Why are you doing this to us?

- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!

Here's your answer.

"To whom it may concern,

"I know pain, I've watched it, I've studied it, lived it.

"I grew up around it in our house.

"A thick cloud of agony cuddled in the corner

"of every room.

"A stark reminder of our transgressions."

- Please, please don't.

Please. - "One minute a person screams

"to cope with it, the next,

"they laugh to Rob it of its power.

"Some wear their pain like a badge of honor.

"Others tuck it away, hoping no one will ever see

"how weak they really are, but they can't escape it.

"Pain is as authentic to the human experience as love.

"I see it in my husband struggling to connect with me."

Pardon me, Doug.

"Every conversation slyly circling the same question

"over and over again.

"Why don't I understand you?

"Not knowing that if he ever actually asked that question

"he'd break the unspoken promise we've kept all these years.

"A promise that he'll never ask.

"There are only two constant truths

"that I've been able to parse out

"through all my observations of pain."

This is the part that really I identified with.

Cody, you know where I'm going.

You've read it, right?

This is why I chose you.

"First, you can't get past it

"without looking it dead in the eye.

"Those hard questions need to be asked.

"Those hard answers need to be faced.

"I know this because I've seen my sister ignore the pain

"she's held her entire life.

"Through seeing her own struggle

"I've also realized I've done the same."

Mm, mm, mm, I think you'll like this part, Cody.

"I faulted and failed in many parts of my life.

"I've been selfish, negligent, uncaring.

"I'm not the person I dreamt I would become as a child."

Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.

"Repeating myself over and over, you'll be brave,

"you'll be smart, you'll be honest,

"but today is the first day I start keeping that promise.

"My sister deserves a better sister.

"She's been brave.

"She's been smart.

"But she hasn't been honest, not with what happened,

"which is why I need this opportunity

"to film in your beautiful home.

"To show my sister and the world

"an awful but honest truth.

"An axiom once seen will dispense the second constant.

"I've known all these years

"that pain

"Can be beautiful.

"Sincerely, Robin."

Gets me every time.

- I...

I don't know.

Why, why?

- It's okay. - Please.

Smile.

- What?

Smile.

- No, no, no, no, no, no!

- Please.

Please, don't, don't kill us.

Please.

- Kill you?

What?

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't think that, you poor thing.

Give me your eyes.

We don't wanna kill you.

You have everything we need.

It's all in the essay.

There you go.

Beautiful.

Now, we'll collaborate.

Show the world how beautiful pain can be.

So smile.

Smile.

And scene!

♪ Treetops all the day long

♪ rocking and a-bopping and a-singing this song ♪

♪ all the little birds on jaybird street ♪

♪ love to hear the Robin go tweet, tweet, tweet ♪

♪ rockin' Robin

♪ tweet, tweet, tweet

♪ rockin'

Dinner time.

Robin finished her first cut of the film.

- Can't I just watch one more episode?

Uh-uh.

Up!

Up!

- Cody.

Hey.

- How are you?

How's everything?

Your hair is getting really long.

What's wrong with her? - That's enough.

It's how she's coping.

Dinner, it smells wonderful.

Oh, I watched the first cut.

I was noticing, it actually seems like your husband

was behind it all.

- Did it?

Oh, I'll fix that.

No, I quite liked it.

Maybe in the next version you could lean into that.

Especially when Cody thinks her father's back.

- Yeah.

It might add a touch of mystery.

Could be nice to play with the trope

of who's behind the mask?

Challenge audiences' expectations a little bit.

- Won't it be disappointing to find out

it isn't anybody we know?

Actually, quite the opposite.

I think it's a little poetic.

Considering everything that you and Cody went through

with your father.

Someone you thought you knew turned out to be a stranger.

No, this is good.

Audiences like metaphors.

- Yeah, I think that might be really nice.

It's really coming along, Robin.

The film looks great.

You're so close to executing my vision.

You know what would be really nice?

If we got a family shot.

Since we're so rarely in the same room together.

You smell nice.

How you doing, kiddo?

Ah.

Well.

Let's eat.

It's delicious.

♪ Look who's here, look who's here ♪

♪ there's a boy I'm mad about

♪ oh my dear, when he's near

♪ I just feel like passin' out

♪ so big and strong, so full of youth ♪

♪ oh momma, oh poppa, tell me the truth ♪

♪ ain't he sweet

♪ see him comin' down the street ♪

♪ now I ask you very confidentially ♪

♪ ain't he sweet, huh

♪ ain't he nice

♪ look him over once or twice

♪ now I ask you very confidentially, ain't he nice ♪

♪ just cast an eye in his direction ♪

♪ oh me, oh my, ain't that perfection ♪

♪ I repeat, don't you think he's kind of neat ♪

♪ and I ask you very confidentially, ain't he sweet ♪

♪ what a man, I'll say how he can, hey, hey ♪

♪ look him up and down

♪ there's the handsomest man in town ♪

♪ what a smile he got

♪ get that style, it's hot

♪ me for him, no joke

♪ I could love him if he was broke ♪