Original subtitles

Once upon a time,

there were three little girls who went to the police academy.

And they were each assigned very hazardous duties.

But I took them away from all that,

and now they work for me. My name is Charlie.

Hey!

Well, what kind of people are the victims, Mr. Strauss?

Just people, Bosley.

No big-shots, no super-rich people.

Just ordinary people.

This thing has happened to every ship I've sent out

during the last six months.

Open steam valves.

Stairways collapsing.

Somebody disappearing from aboard.

At least two incidents on every voyage.

And you have no idea who could be responsible?

An enemy maybe, or a competitor?

No, no one.

Every nickel I have is in this company.

My company has a public image of being jinxed,

so I have no passengers.

Without passengers, I'm ruined.

Is the insurance company going to send an investigator

with your ship that sails on Thursday?

No. But they did approve sending for private investigators.

That is if I can talk you people into sailing on a jinxed ship.

There's a significant difference between this

and all the other high-risk cases you've been on.

The other times, you could walk, run or crawl

to the nearest exit, but not this time.

Not even Angels can walk home

from the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

So, it's your decision.

Well, Charlie, none of us has ever been on an ocean cruise.

So, if we're going to take a vote, I say we take the case.

How about you, Bree?

Uh...

Okay, I vote yes.

Kelly?

I vote yes.

If anybody is interested, I vote yes also.

All right, Angels.

Then I suggest you start packing.

I'll get the insurance company reports.

Bosley, you check the shipping company's logs,

see what you can find by way of suspects.

Right.

Now after I've done that, Charlie what then?

I don't think I'm following you, Bosley.

I mean, when the ship sails do I wave goodbye

from the dock or the deck?

Well, now I hadn't thought about that.

Charlie, I think somebody should stay here to watch the store.

You know, first class accommodations

and delicious food, that doesn't really interest you Bosley.

Jill's right, Charlie.

I don't think it'd be fair to make Bosley go with us.

Why don't you vote on it?

I think we already have.

Well, not officially. How do you vote, Bosley?

I am already outvoted.

I vote yes. I vote yes.

I vote yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, I stay here, or yes, I go along?

Charlie, I think I'm going.

I'm not surprised, Bosley.

Oh, my God!

What's that, Bosley?

We have a visitor.

A visitor? Someone I know?

I don't think so, he's deaf, dumb, and blind.

Somebody pinned a mannequin to the door, Charlie.

With a note.

It says, do not sail on the Belle Helene.

It's written in block letters with a felt tip pen.

Well, that tells us one thing.

Yeah, that the murderer knows who we are,

where to find us,

and that we're working on this case.

All right,

let's find out who our suspects are:

passengers, crew members, anybody who was on board

through all those deadly voyages.

Now according to the insurance

investigators' reports, Cooper, the chief engineer

doesn't think there is a killer. Suspects nobody.

Jerian Mayer.

She sings.

She's terrified, but won't quit her job

because she needs the money.

She suspects Cooper is the villain

because he knows the ship so well.

Next, I've got Tom Lavin, ship's purser.

He says he suspects Jerian, the girl singer,

because she's the least likely suspect.

And last is Harry Dana.

Mind-reader, fortune teller and comedian.

He's told everybody and anybody who will listen to him

that he knows who the killer is. He's seen him.

Not with his eyes, in his mind.

He claims to have clairvoyant powers.

The killer, according to Harry, is six feet two,

weighs 190 pounds, has blue eyes,

brown hair and a rugged chin.

Mm. Heaven!

Bon voyage, Angels.

Hello.

Welcome aboard the Belle Helene. I'm Tod Lavin, your purser.

If you have any questions or problems, do bring them to me.

You'll find that your luggage has been placed in your cabins.

Check it to make sure that

nothing has been misplaced or misrouted.

How soon do we sail?

Within the hour.

Um, where is everybody?

Well, the crew is making ready to get underway

and the passengers are in their cabins, I expect.

If you'll follow the stewards,

they will show you to your accommodations.

Thank you very much.

Once we're underway, the Captain invites you to join him

for pre-dinner cocktails or champagne in the salon.

Tell the Captain thank you very much, we accept.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, Charlie.

We're all aboard.

Fine. Hold on while I call the Angels.

Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Charlie. It's Jill.

Hi, Charlie.

All right, team, we're all on the line now.

How do you like your ocean cruise so far?

Oh, fun. If you call getting a threatening note

from the killer while you're still tied

to the dock having fun.

I got one too. It was in my suitcase.

Yeah, me too.

Mine was pinned to a lifejacket.

What do they say?

Mine says,

"Leave the ship now or learn to be a long distance swimmer.

The life you save will be your own."

Listen to this:

"Hi there, cutie.

"Among your planned shipboard activities are screaming,

"pain and two depressing funerals.

Won't that be fun?"

End of quote.

Kelly?

Oh, mine's brief and to the point.

It reads, "Bon voyage. You're dead."

Sabrina?

Says, uh,

"I love you. I'll prove it. You won't like it. I don't care."

I don't think there's much question

but that you're dealing with someone

who's mentally deranged.

Well, deranged or not, nobody's going to ruin my first cruise.

Mine either.

Just be careful, Angels.

There's no way to tell which way this killer will move.

I don't care what anybody says about a jinxed company.

Me and Mrs. Gow sailed on the old Belle Helene 50 years ago,

more, huh?

It was on our honeymoon.

Of course we didn't have champagne with the Captain

before supper that trip.

Appreciate it, Captain, thank you.

Anyhow we was coming on this anniversary cruise,

come hell or high water.

I do kind of feel strange, being on a big boat

like this with no more than us few on it.

Well, Mr. Gow., Mrs. Gow., and to all of you,

I promise the only difference between this cruise

and any other, will be the lack of fellow passengers.

The service will be better.

And the food, drinks and entertainment as good

or better than you've ever known on shipboard before.

Here, here.

Would you propose our first toast, Captain?

Yes.

To our esteemed and heroic passengers.

May I propose a toast, Captain?

Of course, Mr. Armetage.

To three beautiful women who, like angels,

by their presence, turned what might have been

a desolate cruise into an adventure in paradise.

Thank you.

My guess is he's the murderer.

How else would he know that Charlie called us Angels?

Well, it could have just been a coincidence.

He was trying to come on to all three of us.

He needed a collective noun.

No way.

Or is "angels" a pronoun?

Any time I'm stuck I call everything an adverbial phrase.

Yup, it's an adverbial phrase.

But first, "angels" is a noun, and, second,

unless all the circumstances were caused

by different hired killers,

there is no way that Armetage can be a suspect.

I don't know.

He fits the Adonis description Harry Dana, the clairvoyant,

gave of the murderer.

You know, there could be several killers

rather than just one, Bosley.

That would make everybody who worked or sailed

on any of the cruises a suspect

rather than just the four who sailed on all of them.

Which means we have to watch everybody.

Oh, I love working to a full house.

Hey.

Boy, you people are terrific.

Well, as some of you people may know

I have powers that enable me to read minds.

To see into the future, to see things

that have happened in the past that I didn't even know about.

My name is Count Dracula.

Wait a minute, I'm getting a name.

Uh, uh, Sally Hooper.

That mean anything to anybody here? Sally Hooper?

Hey that's our youngest daughter.

Her husband is in the automobile business?

Right.

Well, mostly trucks.

Did you people know she's expecting a baby?

No. That's right.

She's about three months along now, it's going to be a boy.

Be the first boy in the family

since my brother if you're right.

Oh, I am.

And he's going to have brown eyes, just like his poppy.

Isn't that a mind blower?

Oh, it sure is. Nice of you to feel that way there, pilgrim.

And what about the rest of you pilgrims?

What else is going on out there?

Hey, wait a minute.

Somebody is thinking about me.

They're wondering if a description

I gave of a certain person is a Mr. Armetage.

Well, whoever you are, I can't say yes can't say no.

It might be.

And, whoever you are, say hello to Charlie.

And now ladies and gentlemen, it's my great pleasure to...

No, Jill, it's not there, Jill.

You're looking for your lipstick.

It's not in your purse.

It's in somebody's pocket.

It's in Bosley's pocket.

Would you check that, please?

Hey!

Thank you. I'd forgotten I'd given it to him.

Terrific!

Thank you.

It's our policy to entertain everybody

and now that you all have been amazed,

it's time for you to be enchanted.

And here to enchant you and charm you

is the lovely, vivacious, Miss Jerian Mayer.

Jeri...

♪ You are the sunshine Of my life ♪

♪ That's while I'll Always be around ♪

♪ You are the Apple of my eye ♪

♪ Forever you'll stay In my heart ♪

♪ I feel like this is The beginning ♪

♪ Though I've loved you For a million years ♪

We've got the fire under control, Captain.

It's a dummy.

Thank God.

Whose cabin is this, Tod?

Sabrina Duncan's, sir.

Smells like a chemical fire.

I didn't mind losing anything except that new bikini.

It's the first one I ever had

that didn't feel like it was going to fall off

at the wrong time.

Oh Bree, did you lock your door when you left?

I'm sure I did.

The killer must have keys to all our rooms.

Yeah, probably a master key.

Was your revolver in your cabin?

No, I had it with me.

We should keep our guns with us now

that the killer's started to play his game.

Listen, I've been thinking.

If the killer is going to start setting fires,

we're really playing into his hand

by having our rooms in a cluster.

I mean, we're all in one place.

He could take one easy move, check on all of us,

then go up to another deck or even another passage,

and start a fire, be long gone before we ever find out

about it and get there.

Yeah.

We have our own set of master keys.

We could spread out all over the ship.

Well, that way he wouldn't know where we were.

It might slow him down.

I don't know if it's a good thing to slow him down.

I mean you can't see a snake when it's not moving.

But we ought to cover as much of the ship as we can.

I'll stay on the top deck.

I'll take third class.

I'll take second.

I guess I'm stuck with first class.

Poor baby.

Listen, drop me a line when you can, will you please?

I live for your letters.

Man overboard!

Man overboard!

Man overboard!

Engines. All stop.

All engines stop.

Man in the Crow's Nest!

Is it Bosley?

Look out!

It's a dummy.

What's going on?

He doesn't have any clothes on!

Bosley.

Don't laugh at him.

Now look, I have been thumped on the head.

I have been stripped to the buff.

I have been embarrassed beyond words.

Do I have to sit here and wait for you three

to decide that the time is right to make your jokes and laugh?

We're not going to laugh at you, Bosley.

And we're not going to make jokes either.

Jerian did want to know if you were married though.

Oh, come on.

I'm sorry, Bosley. I couldn't resist.

Well, let's get down to business.

Okay.

You're right, Bos. Okay, okay, let's talk about Jerian.

Now she could have taken something

and hit you over the head.

But the question is,

is she strong enough to have dragged you up onto the deck

and could she have done what was done to you.

Oh, look!

Wait a minute, I was not criminally assaulted you know.

Somebody just stole my pajamas.

Nothing else.

We are forgetting something very important.

What?

The man overboard warning that was sounded

just before Bosley got hit on the head.

Now suppose this whole thing was just a set-up

to take our attention away.

Yeah. Think about it.

Who checked to see if anybody else was missing?

No one.

It's an elaborate scheme, but it could be.

Look I'm going to have the Captain

check the passengers and crew.

The line's dead.

Well maybe that's because of the fire in Bree's cabin.

Yeah, or another stunt perpetrated by the murderer.

Well, whatever it is, the Captain's

going to have to make sure nobody's missing.

I'll go see him now.

Okay, I'm going to check out the dead telephone.

That is unless you need me to hold your hand, Bosley.

I don't need that.

Take care of the baby. Don't egg him on. Go on.

Go on. Oh boy.

"Here stands Fred Couper, former chief engineer.

"He is a gift.

"Now you have one less suspect.

You're welcome."

Due to the present circumstances,

I have no other choice but to turn the responsibility

for your safety over to Mr. Bosley,

who, for your information, is a private investigator

hired by the owner of the ship. Mr. Bosley.

Thank you, Captain.

As you all know by now, two lives have been taken

during this voyage.

The chief engineer and one of my associates, Kelly Garrett.

Up to this time, there was no clue

to the killer's identity.

But now we have the means

of positively identifying the murderer.

When the steam valve was turned on,

two clear fingerprints were left on the metal.

No, we don't have the equipment to remove those prints,

but we can easily compare them to the samples

and that way, identify the killer.

Now with Captain's permission, we have called you all here

together to ask for samples of your fingerprints.

Now, we cannot compel you to give them to us,

but because the danger is so clear,

we will be forced to lock anyone who refuses in their cabin,

until we reach port which at that time,

the police will take those fingerprints

and make the comparisons.

When you have given us your fingerprints,

please go to your cabins and remain there

until you are notified.

Do not, for any reason, go into the passage

where the steam valve is located.

All right, we'll try to do this as quickly as we can.

Well, that's the last of them.

Now we see what happens.

Jill, someone's coming.

It worked.

Hold it!

Hold it!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Kelly! Kelly, are you all right?

Come on, come on. Let's go.

Okay, Jill come with me.

Water, water, water, water everywhere

but not a drop to drink.

Watch your step ladies this boat is about to sink.

That's not a bad Rex Harrison, huh.

Well, you got me,

but that's not going to keep this boat from blowing up.

Hey, Kirk, do you know why

they're asking me all these questions, Kirk?

No, Burt, what are they asking you all the questions for?

Because, Kirk, they want me to tell them

about the bombs I got planted on this boat.

Ah, but I swear to you I'm not going to tell them

about the bombs, Kirk.

Harry, you know if the ship blows,

you'll go with it.

Ah! Did you hear that, Kirk?

If this ship blows up, we go with it.

Then we better check out of our rooms tonight.

Oh, no, not me. Why not?

My rent's paid until tomorrow.

I've been dead, lady for two years already.

You don't look dead, Harry.

You don't sound dead, either.

If I don't look dead, and I don't sound dead

I must be the living dead.

Won't you come with me, I promise to make you well again.

Igor.

Doesn't it bother you?

Killing all these innocent people?

Innocent, innocent, what are you talking about innocent.

There's no such thing as innocence.

No innocent people today. Not anymore.

You understand what I'm telling you? Ten-four.

And you won't tell us why you're doing it?

Why?

Why? How can you ask why?

You're a soldier, this is war, I'm your general.

There's no time for why.

What's done is done, and once we've all perished

in that moment of flame,

we have not time to ask ourselves why.

It's gone, finished,

ended like the morning mist in the searing and angry sun.

Yes.

That must be my wake-up call.

I'll be right there.

That's funny.

Shouldn't you tell us when this explosion is going to be?

I mean, that way we can sweat, and worry about it

and suffer a little more for you.

I'm not a sadist.

Now granted, I had you people sweating a little,

but that's, that's to keep you running around in circles

long enough for me to...

Almost got me to say something, didn't you?

Well, I'll tell you what, you're the detectives

and you really should have some kind of clue to work with.

Well, we'd appreciate any little thing, Harry.

Bop, bop, bop, bop, well now.

Pray tell what's a big beautiful blue-eyed blonde like you

doing on a big beautiful boat like this.

Got to look out now.

Big beautiful boat's got three big beautiful bombs on it.

Going to go boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom.

Okay, if these bombs are so intricate

that just by somebody touching them it's going to set them off,

why don't you tell us where they are?

Because.

Because.

Because Ma's dead.

Ma's dead.

And besides somebody has to answer the door.

You don't believe...

You don't believe me that I know things do you?

You found one of my bombs! Right, Captain?

Yes, I did, Harry.

Yeah you found the one that's in the forward hull,

is that right? That's right.

Yeah, well, all right let's really hear it

for the terrific mind reader here.

It's a great display of talent.

All right, come on.

Okay, Harry how did you know that he found the bomb,

how did you know where it was?

Because I have the power to read minds!

I can see things that happen in the future!

And so saying, he sat back and they were all amazed.

He sat back and watched the dumb looks on all their faces

and he was amused.

Are you really insane or do you just want us to think you are?

Let me put it this way, Nurse Ratched.

If you ask me, you're the one

that's a little bit crazy around here.

That's right. You're the one that's lost touch with reality.

The one that can't function on a societal level.

In fact I had a discussion about that very thing last night

with my bunk mate Napoleon.

That's right, what you see here isn't insanity.

It's just an occasional outburst of anger, that's all.

What makes you so angry?

What makes me angry?

It's 4:30. What time have you got?

It's 4:30.

Terrific.

All right, I'm ready.

Suppose you tell me why and I'll tell you anything now

that I wouldn't tell you a few minutes ago.

At exactly 4:28

we passed the point of no return.

The halfway point.

Miles from nowhere.

If the Coast Guard was to send jet planes out to us

they'd never get here in time.

Where are the other bombs, Harry?

How many are there?

First, I'm going to tell you about

something you don't really care to know about.

But I care, so I'm going to tell it anyway.

Tell us, Harry.

Once upon a time,

I was in an automobile accident

and that was the...

greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Me, Harry Dana, comic, because,

because when I woke up in the hospital,

now whether you believe this or not,

I suddenly had the power to read minds.

I could see into the future.

I could see things that happened in the past

that I didn't even know about.

Well, I went to a certain Mr. John Strauss,

my employer, the owner of this shipping line.

I told him about it and he laughed and uh,

and I told him I wasn't joking.

I asked him to set up a foundation so I could

get monies to develop this... talent.

And he said that he didn't have the money.

He said that he was willing

to let me out of my contract anytime I wanted.

A hypocrite.

I didn't realize what he'd done to me.

Well, it didn't seem that important but, as time went on,

I saw some people at banks and foundations

and they all refused

to help me out.

They refused to help me with this work.

And then it started to dawn on me.

One after another, "No, no, no."

It had to be because of Strauss.

He didn't... They were friends of his and he...

He didn't want them to help me.

He wanted to keep me.

Sure, pop comedian Harry Dana on his boat.

He wasn't about to let me alone.

He killed me then and he left part of me alive to know it.

Now I'm doing the...

The same thing to him.

Where are the bombs, Harry?

Well, my little chickadee.

The first bomb is in the forward hold.

Where the good Captain found it. Yes.

Where are the other bombs?

Oh, the second bomb, Jill, you'll find amidships.

In the small fan room. That's right.

And the third bomb...

Don't tell them, Harry, where the third bomb is.

What's the difference.

It's too late for them to do anything about it anyway.

The third bomb is in the antipasto.

It's not really in the antipasto,

but I do so enjoy saying

antipasto.

The third and final bomb,

my children, is hidden inside the big, black bird.

The Maltese Falcon, my prized possession.

And as you've probably suspected,

the bird is hidden in the back boiler room

against the boiler.

Run my children, run.

Man the lifeboats.

This boat is going to blow to smithereens!

Forever, me and my bird!

Set a guard outside Mr. Bosley's cabin,

then assemble all the passengers and crew

on deck and have them stand by the lifeboats, Mr. Lavin.

The bombs are due to explode in the next half hour.

Captain, there are no lifeboats.

The bungs have been pulled

and the rubber rafts have been slashed.

You keep that to yourself, but make sure that everyone

has a life jacket in the event

that we have to go over the side.

Yes, sir.

Well, we've located the three bombs

and the Angels are babysitting.

Good. I've got a relay set up

with Marsh and the bomb squad.

We can talk to you. You relay to the Angels.

Are you sure there's no one on board

with bomb disposal experience, Bosley?

The Captain says no.

The basic work the Angels did at the Police Academy

makes them the closest thing

to bomb experts we have on board.

I hate to butt in,

but we're wasting one hell of a lot of time,

particularly since we don't know how much we've got.

Has the ship stopped?

Already done.

Okay. Ask them to describe the bomb, Bosley.

Hello, Angels.

Marsh needs a description of the bomb.

The timing mechanism is blind.

It's in a small metal box

with four screws holding the lid down.

There's a yellow light and a red light.

The yellow light's on.

There are seven protruding wires,

color-keyed, red, green, yellow,

green and white striped, black,

blue and white striped and white.

The timing mechanism sits on top of a bundle of dynamite.

It's fastened down with electrician's tape

and it sits on a leveling base that looks like modeling clay.

Your nut knows what he's doing.

All right.

Somebody tell me how the wires go to the dynamite.

Do they pass through the modeling clay?

No. They go around it and they disappear underneath.

All the wires or just some?

All of them.

The odds are some of them are decoys.

All right now, put your hand gently on the metal box

over the timing mechanism.

Now only one of you do that.

Okay, I will.

All right. Easy.

Now just barely touch it.

Then tell me about it.

Is it warm?

A little warm and there's a slight vibration.

Is the vibration metric?

Like a clock?

No.

It's steady but it doesn't feel like a clock.

The sensation is, uh, is more like. What, uh...

Like a tuning fork looks, you know what I mean?

Close enough.

All right.

Now take your hand off the bomb, Sabrina.

Jill, one at a time,

touch the wires but don't make any contact with the metal box.

Then tell me about it.

Okay.

The red wire.

Cool. There's no vibration.

The green and white striped wire,

no vibration,

but it's warm.

The black wire,

cool,

no vibration.

The white wire,

slight vibration,

warm... Slightly warm.

The green wire,

no vibration.

Cool. No, no wait.

It's warm.

The blue and white striped,

slight,

yes, there's a slight vibration.

Cool. No heat.

Yellow.

Cool.

No vibration.

I'll lay you 50 to one the guy who built this bomb

is color-blind.

According to his personnel file, he is.

How did you know that?

He keyed on the white wire.

Now who hasn't been the guinea pig yet?

You, Kelly?

My turn.

You get to lift the timing box.

Lift it slow and easy.

The instant you feel any kind of tension, stop.

Then tell me how high above the cradle the box is.

Got it?

Got it.

An inch.

Maybe a little less.

Call it an inch.

Ease it back down.

Then tell me when it's back in place.

It's down.

All right. Now, there are four moves.

The first three are no problem,

because it doesn't make any difference

whether I'm right or wrong.

The last one, if I'm right it's dangerous.

If I'm wrong, it's a disaster.

First, snip the blue and white wire

but make sure the tool you are using

isn't touching anything else,

then clear it in both directions.

Done.

Done.

Done.

Now do the same thing to the red wire

and then the yellow wire.

In that order,

same precautions.

The red light just went on.

No problem.

Done.

Done.

Done.

All right. Now comes the juicy one.

If you’ve got what I think you've got,

there are only two possibilities.

When you snip the white wire, the thing goes boom.

If it doesn't go boom,

you've got somewhere between 10 seconds and one minute

to get rid of it!

What I'm saying is, no matter what,

that thing is going to blow,

so before you snip the white wire,

get hold of the whole works,

and make damn sure you have a path clear to the rail.

Well are we clear to the rail, Bosley?

Captain?

The passengers and crew are amidships on the starboard side.

There's nothing in your way to the port side.

Hey, uh...

Look, um...

Let's all do it at the same time.

That way, if we go, you know, we'll all go together.

I'm ready.

I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

Shall we go on three?

One.

Two.

Three.

Charlie, we'd like to take the plane back

but if we take Harry ashore, we'll have the legal hassle

of deportation to deal with.

And that won't really do what we were hired by Mr. Strauss to do.

But more important, Charlie,

if we don't come back by boat, we may not come back at all.

All right, Angels.

You can stay.

But I must warn you,

an ocean voyage can get very boring

unless you have some sort of activity.

Oh, don't you worry about that, Charlie.

We have an activity planned.

In fact it's one of the best loved by man.

I'm not following you, Angels.

Think about it, Charlie.

Just think about it.

Bye, Charlie.

Thank you.

We'll be gentle.