Original subtitles

Once upon a time,

there were three little girls who went to the police academy,

two in Los Angeles...

the other, in San Francisco,

and they were each assigned very hazardous duties...

but I took them away from all that,

and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

Don't try to tell me you're not frightened!

We want that diamond.

How often do I have to tell you, Brewster.

I didn't steal it!

The Light of Arabia. Now, where is it?

That's none of my business. I'm retired.

Why don't you ask the museum.

Run a bath for Mr. Brander, Carl.

Now, Freddie...

you read the same newspapers I do.

It was stolen from the museum,

and you always lusted after that diamond,

and the whole operation reeked, if you'll forgive me,

of the style of Freddie the Fox.

Brewster, you wouldn't do this to me,

we were in the trade together.

I'm sorry, but, as you know,

I can no longer swing from cornices

and windowsills, and Carl, God bless him,

is too primitive

to do anything but smash and grab,

but the Light of Arabia,

that would set us both up for life.

Shall I take him for a swim?

All right.

Third drawer in the middle.

False bottom.

Brewster McFarland used to be

one of the finest cat-burglars on the coast

until he fell one night from a second story.

A gentleman.

In the old days,

he never would have had anything to do

with a hoodlum like this... this Carl.

Why do they think

that you have the diamond?

Well, I don't know.

The police have interrogated me three times,

and I've been tipped off

that other criminals are trailing me.

It's a terrible feeling, being innocent.

Maybe they suspect you,

because Freddie the Fox was once the best jewel thief going.

Now, Freddie, come to the point.

I suspect you know who has the Light of Arabia.

Oh, yes, it's in the hands of a multi-millionaire,

named Faris Salim.

Filthy rich. Bad character all through.

He's very big in oil, isn't he?

If he wanted something like that,

why would he steal it?

I mean, he could just buy it, couldn't he?

Salim is an acquisitive man,

and the Light has never been for sale.

Rumor has it that he arranged the theft

and then disposed of the thieves.

Sounds charming. Where is he now?

He lives in the Caribbean.

The jewel is reportedly kept in a secret room on his estate,

incredibly well-guarded.

What is it exactly that you want us to do?

Oh, help me steal it back, of course.

Oh, sure.

If you'll just help me, Charles,

we can recover the jewel,

return it to the museum

where it rightfully belongs,

and where the whole world can enjoy its beauty.

That's very noble of you, Freddie,

but I think we have a bad connection.

I missed any mention of your autobiography.

Oh... my book.

I had no idea

you followed my career so thoroughly.

I never lose interest in people I help send away.

Uh, excuse me... a book?

Freddie has a lucrative contract

with a publisher for his autobiography.

This would no doubt provide the last chapter.

I think we'll need a financial understanding,

Mr. Brander.

Listen, before we start

splitting the profits,

don't you think we better find the gem first?

Right you are, Kris.

All right, pack your bags, Angels.

You're flying to the Caribbean!

Ah!

It's going to be nice.

Good idea.

Yes, sir?

Hello, the suite for Lord and Lady Brander.

Ah, yes. Lord Brander.

We've been expecting you.

No, no, my dear man, I am Bosley,

Lord Brander's valet de chambre.

I trust the accommodations are as requested.

Oh, I'm sure you will be satisfied.

No, no, this certainly will not do.

You have Miss Garrett and Miss Munroe

in the same room.

Well, I understood that they are both employees.

Yes, but you see,

Miss Garrett is Lord Brander's secretary.

Miss Munroe... his masseuse.

Lower lumbar pain. Chronic.

I see. Of course.

My lord...

and my lady...

Thank you, thank you very much.

That will be all.

All right, let's get down to business.

Faris Salim is having a birthday party this Saturday.

That gives us just three days to see that we get invited.

Now, Charlie's report says

that Salim often dines here at the hotel.

That could be a good chance for a direct contact.

You know what? Let me work on Salim's son, Ali.

I understand he's into race cars,

and I can at least talk a good show.

Well, keep your seatbelt fastened.

Yeah.

Well, anything for the cause.

Oh, do I detect a note of self-sacrifice, Kris?

Yeah, what does this Ali look like?

Oh, I saw his picture in the paper once.

Well, he's not exactly handsome.

Mm? Mm... No, I mean,

he's not even good-looking!

Mm... Mm-mm.

You could even say he was ugly.

Really. Really.

Ugh...

I'm looking for Mr. Salim?

Over there, lady.

Mr. Salim?

Ali Salim?

Yes...

What is it?

I'm Ali. Can I help you?

I heard you were the best person on the island

to talk to about my problem.

Which is?

Uh, my car.

It seems to be running... tired.

Shall we try it?

Try what?

The car.

Oh! Okay.

The Salim Estate...

a nice little place, isn't it?

Guards... a wall...

a closed circuit TV monitoring system.

That's what I call a challenge.

I'd call it impossible,

unless we can get someone

working from the inside.

We've got to find

their vulnerable point of attack, a weakness.

I've made some inquiries,

and Salim has a very well-known weakness...

His appetite.

I also learned some things about his cook,

and so I suggest, my lord, with your permission,

that we launch our attack through... the kitchen.

Clever.

Very clever, Bosley.

Thank you.

Oh, here, madame...

I insist you allow me to assist you.

You can't help me, man,

because I don't know you!

Oh, but I know you.

You are Cleo, chef to Faris Salim,

and by reputation,

the finest cook on this island.

Well, maybe I don't know you,

but I sure like your honeyed words.

Allow me then, madame, to introduce myself.

I am Lord Brander's man, Bosley.

We are on holiday at the hotel,

and I warn you, my dear lady,

my intentions are questionable.

Oh, yes, I fully intend to steal your famous recipe

for Baked Papaya with Ground Armadillo.

Oh, Mr. Bosley, I'll give you the recipe.

Here we go.

That is delicious!

Oh, my dear Cleo, it's abundantly clear

why you are the queen of the Indies.

Listen, you were telling me

that Lord Brander, he travels with his wife

and his secretary and his masseuse?

Oh, yes, poor chap.

He'd be in terrible trouble

if it weren't for me.

You see I manage his... schedule,

but... tell me, Cleo, what is this I hear

about Faris Salim and his secretary?

Oh, the story be true,

and what a nasty, conceited girl.

Oh, yes, well, perhaps then

you'd be interested in what I heard

from Lady Grantham's maid?

Something good?

It seems that Salim's secretary is misbehaving...

with one of the guards.

How terrible.

And there's more, Cleo.

She apparently is selling information

to a gossip columnist.

Ah... The hypocrite.

Now, you must never tell this to a soul,

do you understand?

I mean, the poor girl might lose

her position.

Oh, never. To me dying day.

So, hopefully, by now,

Mr. Salim will be looking for a new secretary.

Bosley, how can you make up such a story?

You don't even know Salim's secretary.

I got it from the bellboy

who got it straight from Salim's gardener.

I wonder who he got it from.

Let's just hope it works.

Hi!

Hi.

Oh, I've been with Ali all afternoon.

Oh... Where?

He's been rebuilding his Ferrari,

and, uh, we were...

well, I was helping him.

Uh-huh. Well, that's very interesting,

a multi-millionaire auto mechanic.

Well, his father doesn't know

anything about that.

Ali wants to be independent,

and he's really nothing like his father.

He's very sensitive and thoughtful.

As a matter of fact, I'm seeing him later.

Oh, my gosh! Look at my face.

Why didn't you guys tell me?

Hello.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, Faris Salim is in the hotel dining room.

Ah... Time for an early dinner.

Kelly, it's been a pleasure having you

in our service.

Yes, so sorry

it must end so... unpleasantly.

Lord and Lady Brander, we have your table ready.

Do you call this an appropriate table?

I don't relish the idea of being on display.

Freddie, don't be tiresome.

I should like that table

over by the window.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

That table is occupied by Mr. Salim.

And what, may I ask, is a Salim?

I beg of you, my Lord, lower your voice, sir.

Mr. Salim may become offended.

I see.

You've no objection to offending me, is that it?

Freddie...

Your table was approved by your own secretary.

Is this what you choose to call a table?

Surrounded by all these gaping people!

Well, I... I'm sorry, Lord Brander, but...

I have been humiliated

by incompetent servants

for the last time. You are dismissed.

You may find yourself another situation.

Since you obviously

have nothing respectable to offer here,

you may serve us in our suite.

Amuse yourselves, ladies.

My dear...

times such as these require cognac.

I gather that you have been discharged.

I've been had. That's what I've been.

I worked hard for that big snob.

And I see that you are an American.

Allow me...

You're fogging your glasses.

How pretty you are.

Even tears become you.

Thank you.

As it happens

I have a need of a secretary just now.

Do you?

My own departed quite suddenly.

Are you feeling better?

I'm feeling a lot better than I did a minute ago.

My offer is a serious one.

I do need a secretary,

and, if I may say so, I think you need a friend.

Well, I don't take shorthand.

Oh, that's not a problem.

And I'm a rotten typist.

Oh, it's quite all right.

But... I'm used to taking orders, Mr. Salim.

Ah... you know me?

Is there anybody who doesn't?

My father is extremely wealthy,

successful, and very charming,

but underneath, he is a monster.

Well, he did one thing right.

I have told you all about myself,

but I know almost nothing about you.

What do you do for Lord Brander?

I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that.

Oh. Look, Ali,

I'd like everything to be up front with us,

because I like you.

You don't have to explain anymore.

I have no right to judge you.

I don't want there to be any surprises.

You mean no regrets.

I like the good life, and I can't afford it by myself.

Lord Brander isn't the first or won't be the last.

I wanted to meet you,

so that I could meet your father

and his society friends.

I see,

and is that the only reason that you are here with me now?

If it was, do you think I'd be telling you this?

Of course.

I understand.

No surprises.

Thank you.

My father is having a party this Saturday.

I have to go.

It's his birthday.

Would you like to accompany me?

I'd love to.

What is it?

My father... He will be very impressed.

Is this where Mr. Salim keeps his valuables?

Valuables?

Oh, well, I heard he collects things,

you know, like paintings, rare jewels.

I do not know

where you get your information,

but you'll not be seeing

anything of that sort.

Mr. Salim asked me to make you familiar

with the estate.

This is our security room.

Look like you're ready for an invasion.

An intruder on the grounds

would find himself in great difficulty.

I believe it.

What's in there?

That would be dangerous for you to know.

I think that is enough for you to see.

I assume you've been told of your duties,

such as they are.

Reza, are you always so formal?

I am needed.

I suggest you go directly to your office.

Stay!

Stay!

It's all right now.

Perhaps it would be better now

if you went to your office.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's really quite unsuitable.

My dear good man,

I asked to see something of value, not trinkets.

My dear Lady Brander,

allow me to introduce myself.

Faris Salim. At your service.

And how did you know my name?

This is a small island.

Your arrival was of great interest.

Ah, yes, of course.

Yours was the table my husband demanded

yesterday at the hotel.

A most unfortunate confusion.

Really?

Well, not altogether unfortunate for you,

I should imagine.

I believe you have... employed my husband's secretary.

True.

I was hoping you would show me your forgiveness

and honor me with your presence

at a little party tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow?

Quite short notice, isn't it?

But, my dear lady,

I've just made your acquaintance.

Please. It is my birthday.

Will you accept this

as my personal invitation?

Mr. Salim... You are a bit vulgar.

However... you are also...

very charming.

First we have to locate where Salim has the jewel,

then determine our method of entry.

This should be useful.

That's the pearl that Salim gave me.

Turn it over.

Inside is a miniaturized camera.

That's the lens.

This... snaps the shutter.

Keep toying with it at the party.

Then nobody'll notice

when you're taking the pictures.

I have something for you, too, Kris.

This little piece of wax is for your purse.

When you get close enough to the jewel case,

just press this against the lock,

and we'll be able to make a key from the impression.

That is terrific!

They didn't call me Freddie the Fox

because of my foxtrot.

Lord and Lady Brander,

I am flattered that you would come

on such short notice.

Well, it was the...

uniqueness of your gift.

You have it mounted already.

I am, indeed, flattered.

No need to be flattered, old chap,

She has everything mounted.

When I pass over to my eternal reward,

I expect I'll be stuffed

and put over the fireplace myself.

What a sense of humor you English have.

Mr. Salim... you may introduce me around,

if there's anyone worth meeting.

But of course.

Do you know Countess de Grenier?

No.

Allow me.

Lord Brander?

Uh, no, uh... Freddie isn't interested.

You'll excuse us, won't you, darling?

Only if you promise

to stay away for a long time.

Had a chance to look around?

Yes, I got the tour.

There's one central security room

with all the TV monitors.

Only one guard in there.

Good.

And idea where he keeps the jewels?

There's a locked room.

Uh-oh, watch out, watch out.

Reza, do you know Lord Brander?

How do you do?

Not awfully well, thank you for asking.

I was trying to persuade Kelly, here,

to come back into my employment.

I'm afraid I haven't succeeded actually.

If you will forgive me for saying so,

your Lordship,

your loss is Mr. Salim's gain.

Thank you.

Oh dear...

I appear to be meeting defeat

on all fronts.

Lady Brander, may I present my son, Ali.

How do you do?

How do you do?

And, uh... Yes... uh, we've met.

Happy birthday, Father.

Thank you for at least cleaning the grease

from your nails.

You know?

About your garage?

Of course.

Father, this is Kris Munroe.

Hello.

At least my son knows a beautiful woman

when he sees one.

Well, I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Salim.

Not all of it good, I'm sure.

Well, none of it was boring.

See if you can seduce Ali into having a good time.

If you do, I will reward you for it.

How are you doing?

Do you have his interest?

He's coming on like gangbusters.

Good.

Time to push him then.

We have to see that jewel.

Okay.

Look bored, Freddie.

I hope you'll forgive me, my dear.

Oh, yes, of course.

The obligations of the host.

Yes, of course.

Is something the matter?

Well, yes, Lord Brander is the matter.

He has the attention span of a 6-year-old.

He's bored. He wants to leave.

Oh, so soon?

Yes.

I don't imagine you could stay by yourself?

Well, under the circumstances,

it would be... awkward.

Have you entertainment planned?

Freddie loves fireworks.

No... but perhaps I have something

even better.

Oh, really?

Excuse me.

Yes, of course.

Oh, Freddie, darling...

Mr. Salim would like to have you join him

in private.

Please.

I have asked a few of you, my good friends,

and my honored guests, Lord and Lady Brander,

to view my most recent

and my most valuable acquisition.

You will notice

some unusual security arrangements.

I alone have the key to this room.

Miss Garrett, please walk through there.

Yes, sir.

The entire floor of the room that you are about to enter

is electronically wired,

and, as you'll see,

we have a most unusual guard on duty inside.

Lord and Lady Brander, please.

Yes, indeed.

Please.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I am privileged to show you

one of the truly rare gems of the world...

The Light of Arabia!

I should say...

The Light of Arabia and friend.

Do not be deceived by its size.

This is a Green Mamba from Africa.

One of the world's deadliest snakes.

A snake!

Reza, quickly, some water!

She always does this when she sees one.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, never mind.

Help me up.

Simply help me up.

Looks like the party's over.

Well, here's the last of them.

Oh, that reminds me, John.

We'll need to mix this with some raw hamburger

to take care of the watchdog.

Um... It's quite harmless.

He'll simply sleep like a puppy

until we've gone.

Okay, let's... Let's hope so.

Now, we go over the gate here, right,

and we know what time the guard changes

so if Kelly can get the guard's attention

away from the TV monitor in the security room...

Then the hard part begins.

That was the easy part?

You heard Salim...

The floor of the room is electronically wired.

Salim has the only key, so...

So we have to come down through the window

to get the jewel.

We have to come through the window

and never touch the floor.

Ali... this might be goodbye.

We're going to be leaving in a day or two.

I see.

I hoped you'd feel as badly about it as I do.

Kris...

Are you going to steal my father's diamond?

It isn't for us.

We're going to give it back to the museum.

Ali, you've got to believe me.

I'm a private investigator.

So this is what you meant

when you said there should be no surprises?

Are you gonna give us away?

I don't know.

Are you surprised to see me?

No... I was told you were here.

The guard became ill.

I'm replacing him.

I am experienced in such things.

I'm sure you are.

Why are you here?

Because you are.

I'm bored.

Everything okay?

How's the dog?

He's fine.

He enjoyed his hamburger.

He's having a blissful nap.

Okay, let's get going.

Freddie, what's the matter?

I'm sorry.

It's just a bit of shortness of breath.

I guess I'm not used

to all this exercise anymore.

I'll be all right in a minute.

Look, we can handle this.

Now, we'll just switch, that's all.

Bosley will take your job.

You stay here in the van.

You're not going in there without me.

What if something goes wrong?

Look, let's face it,

something already has gone wrong.

Come on, we don't have time

just to stand here.

Now, Freddie, you've gone over

every detail of this with us.

We know it by heart.

We can do it.

Good luck.

Okay...

Okay.

I had no idea when you came here

we would become friends.

Neither did I.

You dance very well.

Do you know that I am an expert dancer?

Of course.

I know a great deal about you.

I see.

I believe that a man can be graceful

and still be a real man.

I agree.

Dear Freddie.

How kind of you to go to this trouble,

and all for us.

You dance beautifully.

You ready?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Easy, watch it, watch it, watch it.

There you go. Good girl.

No more.

Come.

Let's go to my room.

Oh, well, you can't leave here. You're on duty.

Come on, one more dance. Come on.

Come on.

Hold it. Stay right there.

The dance is over.

All guards

report to the Security Center immediately.

Sentries on the grounds... General Alert.

Freddie?

I'm right here.

This young fellow came along and rescued me

just when I needed it.

You'd better hurry.

My father will soon have his men

searching the island.

He will be pleased that I have captured

at least two of the thieves,

and that might give you

some additional time.

Come on,

we've got a plane to catch.

Ali...

Well done, Angels!

The museum has their diamond back,

and we have a substantial reward.

And better yet,

Freddie's old friends are leaving him alone.

I'm very appreciative.

I'm looking forward to a quiet life

of witty guest appearances at literary teas.

Which reminds me,

Freddie, I read the proofs on the book.

I enjoyed it.

Did you, really?

Oh, yes, and so did I.

Especially the part where you ran along the rooftop

of the Salim mansion,

you lowered yourself down with a rope,

and you picked the diamond out...

with your teeth.

I liked the part

where you made a loop out of your tie

and caught the snake.

Ooh, excellent.

I... particularly liked that part.

Well, after all, I am the hero of the book,

and my readers expect it of me.

Yeah...

Well, maybe I can make it up with the dedication...

"I hereby dedicate this book to Charles...

"John..." and their three lovely Angels.

"My only regret being

"that I didn't make their acquaintance

30 years ago."

Aw... I like that.