Original subtitles

Once upon a time,

there were three little girls who went to the police academy,

two in Los Angeles...

the other in San Francisco,

and they were each assigned very hazardous duties...

but I took them away from all that,

and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

Taking a whole bunch of pictures all at one time

made me so nervous, and this busy town!

I'm just too excited to be tired.

Really, Jolene, I don't know where

you get your energy from.

I wish I had it.

I feel so bushed.

Well, good night, honey.

Good night.

Next one's mine.

Coming.

You flew all the way from Iowa just because of a spider?

I had to. That girl!

It didn't matter to her that the spider was harmless.

Why should she care that she started

a panic among the other contestants?

Are you certain the spider was harmless?

Of course it was... I stomped on it.

But was it harmless before you stomped on it?

How should I know? I wasn't going

to let it bite me to find out.

If you would just settle down a little, Mr. Pawl

it would make it easier for us to understand

what you're trying to tell us.

It's easy for you to say "settle down."

You didn't have to work a year organizing the greatest

beauty pageant the world has seen.

You didn't have to watch 67 gorgeous contestants

melt away, frightened off.

The girls are dropping out right and left.

Someone is out to ruin the pageant, to destroy

a national institution.

You've got to help us.

To quote Barbara, "Nobody...

no, nobody should rain on our parade."

Uh-huh.

Well, we will discuss it, Mr. Pawl

and then we will be in touch.

Well, please act quickly.

The pageant starts tomorrow

and we've only got nine girls left.

In plain language, Mr. Bosley,

the clock is ticking.

Uh, yes, we understand.

Goodbye, Mr. Pawl.

Bye.

Somehow, I never quite thought

of the Miss Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant

as a national institution.

Well, how can you say that, Bree?

It's the stepping stone to the Miss Prunes title.

Yes, and from there, well, the sky's the limit.

Uh, were you serious about having taken the case, Charlie?

A tarantula

intentionally placed on the pillow of a young woman?

Now, if that young woman had had

a weak heart, she'd be dead

and someone would have gotten away with murder.

I suggest you get your acts together

and head for the pageant.

Oh, by the way may the best woman win.

What? Wait a minute, Charlie.

You don't mean that we have to play contestants?

At least two of you should.

That's where most of the trouble hits.

Uh, you two better get a couple of extra bathing suits

and of course, a pair of high heel shoes.

No, no, no. Wait a minute. No.

No. I'm not going to be a beauty contestant.

You might flip a coin... odd Angel out.

Oh, boy. Well, that sounds fair.

Okay.

Here we go. One...

two... three.

Heads.

Tails.

Heads.

It's not funny.

What is that sound, Charlie?

I'm working with a physical therapist, Kelly.

Oh, not feeling well, Charlie?

Oh, nothing like that.

Just learning a little about the pectoralis major.

Kris, Bos and I are going to meet Ben Pawl

and some of the contestants.

Why don't you grab a bikini

and help us set up our cover?

Okay. I'll check into my room later.

I'll see you at the hotel...

I've got an interview in a half an hour.

And what are your future plans, dear?

Well, I hope to study brain surgery.

Uh, what would cause a young lady like yourself

to chose, uh, that profession?

Well, it-it seems to me that unless the young people

take up the challenge of the future

we can't move the world forward.

The greatest challenge I can think of

is brain surgery.

Then you give up the dancing, ya?

Oh, no. Dancing's a great form of exercise and a lot of fun.

I'm going to keep up my dancing no matter what.

And also, working at the polls on election day.

I feel that we should all stay healthy

and politically aware.

That's good. Don't never give up the dancing.

You know, when last year

I was the queen from this Chrys-trumums

I was dancing.

You know, I give up it, the dancing

and fat comes on me.

Six pounds in one month.

I want you to know it's-it's a great privilege

to be given advice by the retiring Miss Chrysanthemum.

Thank you.

I won't forget that if I'm lucky enough

to be awarded this title.

This your house, Mr. Pawl?

No, it was loaned to us by Mr. Cree, one of our judges

so the girls could relax while they rehearse our show.

Huh.

Say, I was wondering, since you're private eyes under cover

I thought you'd use cover names.

Uh, no, no, no. Just Bosley, Sabrina.

That'll be fine.

And you haven't any assignment for me?

Someone to put a tail on? Nothing?

Uh, look, I'll tell you what.

Now, it's dangerous

but maybe you can help us.

You think he can handle it?

I don't know, boss lady. Maybe.

You know karate, Mr. Pawl?

Uh, no.

That's good. We don't want dead heroes on our hands,

you know what I mean?

Okay, here's your assignment.

Now, from now on, you'll be known as Big X.

From this point on... Big X.

Now, you just go about

the pageant routine normally

unless one of us gives you the code word Beau Geste.

Beau Geste... you got that?

Beau Geste.

If you hear that, go to the phone

you call information.

Now, the operator that answers you

you ask her for the service repair number.

That operator will be one of our people.

They'll know what to do.

You got it?

Yeah. I'm Big X.

Shh!

Code word: Beau Geste.

I call information,

and I ask your operative for the repair service number.

From this moment on

you make no mention of your instructions.

Oh, I understand.

You better, pigeon,

because you're into this up to your neck.

Okay, let's get this show on the road.

Let's get this shot.

The first thing I'd like to get

is a big close-up, full screen.

This isn't for real, is it?

I mean, this isn't really going to be

on a network television news show?

Oh, uh, you bet it is, Mr. Pawl.

You see, uh, we're private detectives.

We got to pick up a dollar here, a dollar there.

Every little bit helps.

Okay, you ready? You ready, Mr. Bosley?

Right. And roll 'em!

Hi there.

Welcome to the Miss Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant.

Cut! Print! Perfect!

Thanks.

Mr. Pawl?

Excuse me.

Mm-hmm.

Do you think that'll keep him out of our hair?

Yeah, I think so.

That coupled with pointing this camera at his face

from time to time.

Well, let's see... A.H. and V.G.

Right.

Okay, girls

let's try it with the words this time.

One, two, three, four...

♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪

♪ We're glad That you could show ♪

♪ For the Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪

♪ From far and near We girls came here ♪

♪ To try to be queen Of your pageant ♪

♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪

♪ We're glad That you could show ♪

♪ For the Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪

♪ Who will be queen When you are all seen ♪

♪ At the Chrysanthemum ♪

♪ Festival Pageant ♪

♪ The Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪♪

Bravo!

Great, girls.

Listen, ladies, we're all going to be

on a network television news program.

Mr. Bosley, he's the one with the camera,

and Sabrina, she's the boss lady,

are making a documentary.

So when the camera's rolling,

let's give them all the sparkle and sincerity

you want all your friends and relatives at home to see.

Right, boss lady?

Oh, right. That's right.

And this is my arranger, conductor

and all-around man Friday. Say hello to Henry.

Hi Henry. My pleasure.

Let me introduce the contestants to you.

This young lady is here from Texas.

Billie Jolene. Howdy.

Hello.

And Debbie from London, England.

Hello. Hello.

Grace Cooley, California Miss.

Hi.

Holly from the Empire State of New York.

Hi.

And one of our late entrants

that I haven't even met yet. And who are you?

Hi. I'm Kris, and I'm from Macon, Georgia.

How far is that from Plains, Kris?

Oh, gosh, I don't really know.

This is the first time I've ever been outside of Macon.

This is really exciting.

Okay, now, we'd like to get

a little informal rehearsal around the piano.

Just too far away to see her good, Hubie.

And as the girls are around the piano...

Big smile, big smile.

How close did you say the shot came?

Okay, it was about three feet to my left

and about four feet in front of me.

Maybe you're right

and they really weren't trying to hit you.

No, no, considering how many more bad shots there are

in this world than good, I wouldn't bet on that.

I don't know.

They were moving right after the shot was fired.

And they were way back from the roof's edge

by the time I got to my window.

Now, if they wanted to hit me

why didn't they wait to fire again in case they missed?

I mean, they didn't know I had a gun.

Which, I suspect, puts us right back

where we started from.

That's about right, Bosley.

And I don't care if there's only one contestant left.

The show must go on.

There has to be a Miss Chrysanthemum.

Why?

Young girls, sir,

grow up dreaming of this moment in their lives.

They dedicate themselves.

We've already spent all the money

that the sponsors have put up.

Good point, Si.

Then we all agree. We'll tell the audience

that the preliminary judging was held in the morning,

so that we could give more time to the eleven contestants

who are left who are our semi-finalists,

That's your department, Ben, you handle it anyway you like.

Oh, if you want, I can sing my winning aria from last year,

you remember, from Wagner, you know

when I wear the hat with the horns.

♪ For the Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪

♪ From far and near We girls came here ♪

♪ To try and be queen Of your pageant ♪

♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪

♪ We're glad that you could show ♪

♪ For the Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪

♪ Who will be queen ♪

♪ When you are all seen ♪

♪ At the Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪

♪ The Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪♪

All right, let's try it from, uh...

after the crisscross, all right?

Form a straight line.

Good. Ready, now left foot first.

Hit it, Henry.

Five, six, seven, eight...

♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪ Smile, girls.

♪ We're glad that You could show ♪

Good.

♪ For the Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪

Sing out! sing out!

♪ From far and near, We girls came here ♪

♪ To try to be queen Of your pageant ♪

♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪

It's cut.

I'll check the exit, Bosley.

All right!

Bosley!

What are you doing with Kris' pigeons?

Kris' pigeons?

Oh... yeah, they're for a magic act.

Why were they skulking in that closet?

They were not skulking, Bosley.

Pigeons can't skulk.

Well, these can.

They were skulking in there.

They are skulking pigeons.

Ooh!

Uh, Bosley?

Yes?

Do you suppose that sandbag

was supposed to hurt somebody or scare somebody?

I don't know, I don't know, but either way

sooner or later, somebody is going to get hurt.

Well, a 50-pound sandbag or a rifle doesn't hurt anybody...

It kills them.

You explain to Kris how you let her pigeons out.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hello? Oh, sure.

For you the telephone, Herr Dearborn.

This is Si Dearborn.

This here is the money man.

You made up your mind about the proposition yet?

Is that your best offer?

You know, Mr. Dearborn,

for a man whose fried clam franchises is going to the dogs

for the want of some cold cash, you sure do dance a lot.

Is it yes or no?

All right, it's a deal.

Go to the men's room.

Enjoy the money...

and don't let us down, Mr. Dearborn.

I won't.

I believe in modesty just as much as the next girl,

but this is not exactly the 1940's, and besides,

all the girls got the lace off their dresses.

If we didn't we'd look like...

I don't know what we'd look like.

Honey, you don't wanna wear that color.

Oh, I kind of like it.

Yeah? Well, so do I.

That's why you're not going to wear it.

Why don't you try the green?

I don't think so.

Well, try any color you want,

except my apricot.

I mean, you're free to choose the apricot,

if you want, but I wouldn't be surprised

if the seams just... came apart while you were on stage.

Things like that happen all the time in beauty pageants.

So embarrassing!

Ah, hello, there.

Hello.

Fred Olsen here.

You're the photographer, and you're the boss, right?

Well, thank you, I guess.

What do you think of my little girl?

Uh, which little girl?

Well, she's not my little girl.

She's my number one client, Grace Cooley.

Just a minute, she's right here. Grace?

She called me and told me you were here

and here I am to help out wherever I can.

Oh, sure, sure.

Hi.

Hi. Hello.

Is that the next Miss Chrysanthemum

or is that the next Miss Chrysanthemum?

Well, uh, she's very pretty.

She's going to win.

Now, what I'm willing to do is give you an exclusive.

You key your film on Grace

then when she wins

you scoop the whole TV world.

How does that grab you?

We will give that some... serious thought.

What? So, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

I mean, like, we set it up with charm, we're ahead, right?

Yes.

All right, look, let's talk a little money.

You key on Gracie, there's 50 bucks in it for you.

50 bucks?

What do you care who you feature, right?

Wrong, Fred.

When I'm on top

and you come to me for a favor

you know what you'll get?

Bupkis is what you'll get!

Watch... bupkis!

Howdy, ma'am.

Wonder if we might have a minute of your time?

I most certainly will not.

Not for a million dollars.

She's gone.

She's disappeared.

She's been snatched.

What makes you so sure?

Millicent Farber never misses a meal.

Isn't this the time for someone to give me

the Beau Geste signal, boss?

Not yet, Ben, no, no.

My nerves can take it.

I've already contacted another judge

to replace Millicent, Hazel Spaulding.

She's flying in tonight.

She's judged here before.

Hi, Mr. Bosley.

Hi, Mr. Pawl.

Hi, girls.

Hi, Grace.

Bye, Grace.

I met that kid's agent.

He says she's from a really poor family.

Breaks your heart.

Oh, yeah, it really does.

I'll be leaving for the opening festivities

in about half an hour.

The pageant rises when the sun sets.

You think something really did happen to that judge, Millicent?

Well, there's a, there's a chance.

But I don't know.

It doesn't fit the pattern.

Up till now, everything

has been done to scare off the contestants.

Well, all we can do is stay on our toes

and hope for a break.

I'll take the camera and set up in front of the stage.

Okay, well, Kelly and I are going to be pretty

tied up with the pageant.

Maybe Bree ought to help us out backstage.

I don't think so.

I think I ought to cover the airport,

cover the new judge.

I mean, if somebody did kidnap Millicent

they might try to grab the new judge too.

Well, that makes as much sense

as anything else that's happened.

If you'll excuse me,

I have to rehearse my introductory speech.

See you later.

Yeah... Oh, oh, listen, I do too.

I-I'll see you later.

You know they really do want to win.

It, uh... It looks that way.

We ain't asking for the moon, ma'am.

I am worth upwards of six million dollars, young man,

but if I were penniless

I wouldn't sell my vote.

Help!

Help!

Please, ma'am, don't be doing that.

Hey, Hube.

Them pageant people got a new judge coming in

to replace the old biddy here.

Guess who it is?

You think we ought to be talking about that with her listening?

I mean, she's got us by the short hairs already

if she talks to the law.

Hmm... True, true.

Come here.

Now, you know the name of that lady judge

that they is counting on being here, but wasn't

because they decided to use last year's queen as a judge instead?

Hazel Spaulding.

That's who's coming, buddy.

Well, we got it made in the shade, old boy.

Except for that old biddy in there.

No sweat.

When we call C.J., and tell him...

What was that?

The old biddy fell off her barrel.

When we call C.J. and tell him

how we got everything took care of down here

he's going to be so owing to us

that he'll just start handing

her money and just keep on handing it to her

till she can't say no.

She says she's already worth six million, Earl.

Oh, well, that could be a problem, I reckon.

But hey, let's just take this thing one boot at a time.

And the first thing we got to do

is go see that new judge

and get that all squared away.

So, let's be moving, partner.

Shouldn't one of us stay here and watch the old biddy?

Well, now, did you ever hear of anybody or anything

getting loose from a rope that I tied

if I didn't want them to?

Never once, Earl.

All right, then, let's go, pard.

Ladies and gentlemen

flight 411 just arrived.

Connections for Iowa City...

Miss Spaulding?

Husker Junction and Beansborough.

Get your luggage ready, please.

You're Hazel Spaulding, right?

Yes.

How would you like to make $2000 cash money?

We'd like to buy your first place vote

in that beauty contest, ma'am.

For $2000.

If you don't, uh,

we're going to have to tell your husband

about you and that Mr. Pawl, that emcee fella.

About how him and you, uh...

Well, about them private all-night singing lessons

you and him give each other

every time you come down here

to judge one of them beauty contests.

We'll do it too, ma'am.

Take the money, ma'am.

You've got a deal.

Ladies and gentlemen...

to personally greet you

Freebairn's own Chrysanthemum Festival girls.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Hello!

♪ Hi, there hello ♪

♪ We're glad That you could show ♪

♪ For the Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪

♪ From far and near ♪

♪ We girls came here ♪

♪ To try to be Queen of your pageant ♪

♪ Hi there, hello ♪

♪ We're glad That you could show ♪

♪ For the Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪

♪ Who will be queen When you're all seen ♪

♪ At the Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪

♪ The Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪♪

And here they are!

Our bevy of loveliness!

Our first semi-finalist is Miss Kris Munroe.

Kris is from the home state

of our president, Mr. Jimmy Carter

Miss Lillian's baby boy, God bless him.

Kris is from Macon, Georgia,

a true belle of the old south.

Her big dream is

to become our queen, Miss Chrysanthemum Festival

and then go on to help mankind.

Hi, y'all.

Let's start off this most important interview

with an easy question, Kris.

What's your favorite color, and why?

Well, actually, Mr. Pawl...

I have more than one favorite color.

Well, that's all right with us, Kris.

Right, ladies and gentlemen?

My favorite colors are red, white and blue

because they are the colors of our flag of freedom.

Here's our next semi-finalist, Miss California...

Grace Cooley.

Here's your first question, Grace.

What is your favorite color...?

And why?

Well, I was going to say red, white and blue

but somebody already said it.

Yeah, C.J.

and the both of them is going to vote her numero uno.

Well, now that you've done it. I'm going to tell you

just how much my baby girl winning that contest

means to me.

As a daddy, I am plain damn proud.

As a businessman, I got stockholders.

But ain't none of them going to argue

that a beauty queen ain't the one to do

our TV pink grapefruit commercials now.

And you two good old boys

will find a big, fat thank you

in your envelope come payday.

Best tell him about the old biddy now.

Couldn't hear that. What?

Uh, that was Hubie talking to me, C.J.

Uh, C.J., we got a little problem here.

Well, what kind of little problem, Earl?

Well, sir, it seems that we kind of...

Well... We kind of kidnapped an old lady.

You what?

She was a judge, C.J., and...

Well, she wouldn't take the money we offered her.

And then she started yelling and hollering and carrying on.

We didn't know what to do

so we took her out to an old warehouse.

She ain't hurt none.

You two got less sense

than a hound dog trying to catch him a skunk.

That's maybe a life sentence in a federal prison.

Do you know that?

I am going to tell you all I'm ever going to...

Listen good.

Now you two cut that lady loose, and you go grab yourself

a jet plane to Europe or someplace

and when you light, you write me a letter,

and I'll send you each $50,000 and good riddance.

I don't know you no more, you hear?

♪ As I walked out in The streets of Laredo ♪

♪ As I walked out In Laredo one day ♪

♪ I spied a poor cowboy

♪ Wrapped up in white linen ♪

♪ Wrapped up in white linen As cold as the clay ♪

♪ Oh, beat the drum slowly And play the fife lowly ♪

♪ And play the dead march As you carry me along ♪

♪ Take me to a green valley Then lay the sod over me ♪

♪ For I'm a young cowboy

♪ I know I done wrong ♪

♪ For I'm a young cowboy ♪

♪ I know I done wrong ♪♪

I know the feel of this car like my own hide.

And I know there's maybe 110 pounds

more in the trunk than there should be.

Best show yourself.

Our next semifinalist

is Miss Kelly Garrett.

Kelly had a warm and deeply moving reaction to a friend

who injured an ankle while skiing.

Tell us about it, Kelly.

Well... from that moment on

I... I knew what we should all do

is help one another to realize that

well, we should realize that

no man or woman is an island.

That we should never ask

for whom the bell tolls...

that we're all one

and we need each others' support

to be truly happy.

No, we should not ask for whom the bell tolls.

When one man is lost or woman is injured,

be it friend or stranger,

when the bell tolls, it tolls for all of us.

Now, lady,

what have you done in the trunk of our car?

Well, I'm a TV reporter,

and I was looking for a story.

About what?

About the scaring off of the contestants

in the Miss Chrysanthemum Pageant and the...

bribing of the... judges.

Hey, Ul, she knows what we've been doing.

Yeah, she does, don't she?

Think we ought to put the hush-up on her, Hube?

If you think I'm the least bit frightened

by all this, you are sadly mistaken.

Miss Farber...

Hey, Ul, you ain't considering

blowing your head off?

No, just thinking.

Are you going to shoot her, Ul?

Maybe.

Listen, old biddy.

Things ain't going the way they're supposed to,

so we're going to change our plans right here and now.

You say you got six million dollars?

Well, if you want to stay alive,

you better give us the name of somebody we can call

we'll let them buy you back from us for, say...

two million of your six.

You won't even miss that.

That's a good idea, Ul!

We got the name let's play the game.

Hell, pard, we're going to get rich!

All right, now, ma'am, who do we call?

Nobody.

What do you mean, nobody?

I'm a widow and nobody can authorize the bank

to pay out money for me but me...

and I won't.

Well, it might just mean your life,

old biddy, and this sneaky-nosed TV lady too.

And now, from New York, Miss Holly Blaise

to give us a special rendition of that famous soliloquy

from The Merchant of Venice

delivered in her own special way.

The quality of mercy is not strained.

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven.

You reckon anybody would pay

anything for that TV lady?

She's the boss.

She's got to be worth something to somebody.

Hey, TV lady,

who'd pay to buy you back from us?

Well, uh,

my photographer might be able to arrange it

but, um, not just for me.

It would have to be for both of us.

Of course.

Don't make no sense just shooting one of you.

Right.

All we want is a bunch of money

and a chance to disappear.

You go to him and you say, "Beau Geste."

Then you tell him what you want.

He'll probably want to talk to me

before he pays over any money.

You don't trust us, do you, lady?

Not very much.

What is this here, "Beau Geste",

is that some kind of Morse code or something?

If you say "Beau Geste"

then he'll know that I was safe and sound

when I gave you the code word.

Make sense, Ul?

Hell, I don't know.

These TV people got all kinds of

strange things going.

Let's tie their hands behind them

and get out of here.

Now, I haven't finished my sandwich.

And now, that lovely wizard

from Macon, Georgia

with her own brand of southern magic,

Miss Kris Munroe.

Now, wait a minute. What?

I'll get over there to you.

You just stay right where you are.

Oh, that's very smart.

Now, we'll just see if we can...

Watch your hands, there, Miss Farber.

What's that?

Thank you, okay. Uh-huh.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, but mostly you gentlemen,

you ain't never seen sultry

until you've seen Miss Kelly Garrett!

♪ Are there any words of praise Could not allude ♪

♪ To such a wealth Of feminine pulchritude? ♪

♪ Rosy cheeks ♪

♪ Lustrous hair ♪

♪ Aren't they angels Heaven shares? ♪

♪ Da Vinci's art Could not surpass ♪

♪ The smile of any lovely lass ♪

♪ Could Shakespeare rhapsodize The virtue in their eyes ♪

♪ As we hear them each Loftily moralize ♪

♪ Beethoven could not capture The rapture that unfurls ♪

♪ From our Chrysanthemum Festival girls ♪

♪ From our Chrysanthemum Festival girls ♪♪

Now, to help present this year's crown,

last year's queen, Miss Candy Welsh!

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for.

The moment when we learn the answer

to that magic question,

who will be the next Miss Chrysanthemum?

I'm really nervous and excited,

and I know the girls are.

Our fourth runner-up...

and winner of a new Walsingham dirt motorcycle,

our fourth runner up is... Debbie Dowlan!

Beau Geste.

What did you say?

The man said, Beau Geste.

Who told you to tell me that?

The lady what works with you. She's kidnapped.

And we want a million dollars for her.

Right.

And an all-expense-paid weekend...

Beau Geste!

Be right back, ladies and gentlemen.

Whoa!

I made the phone call, Mr. Bosley.

All right, we owe you a dime.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, where were we?

Oh, yes, our third semifinalist...

Okay, Mrs. Farber, I got my second wind.

And we're going to try it again.

Only this time, please don't help me.

Oh, well, I'll try. No, don't.

Oh, boy, am I ever glad to see you!

I thought the next thing that was going to happen to me

I was gonna know what it felt like

to get shot with a .357 magnum!

That hurts. How'd you find us?

Our southern fried chicken boys sang like nightingales.

Oh dear, now look, we've got to get right over to the pageant.

They bribed two of the judges.

I told you, Kelly.

The pageant is over, Mrs. Farber.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, who won?

A girl named Billie Jolene.

She sang and played the guitar to "The Streets of Laredo."

She's the one that they wanted to win!

Her father paid those two men to see that she won.

We know, Mrs. Farber, and the Texas authorities

will be paying her father a little visit.

She's been disqualified.

Who was the first runner-up?

Holly.

The girl who twirled the baton and recited Shakespeare.

Oh.

You was robbed.

Mm-hmm.

And neither one of you was even named runner-up?

Zip.

To quote an agent we met, Charlie,

bupkis is what we got.

I thought you might have already told them, Bosley?

No, no, no, Charlie,

you're the one who arranged it

and I thought you should tell them.

What did you arrange, Charlie?

Ben Pawl told the judges

you weren't really contestants.

That you were professionals

brought in to fill out the depleted pageant.

The judges were not allowed to vote for you.

Oh, no, after I learned that speech

and smiled till my face hurt?

And I paid $37 for a brand-new pair of white, tacky shoes.

I don't think you'd better walk

down any dark alleys, Charlie.

You bought yourself some trouble here.

Not half as much as I'd have bought myself

if one of you Angels had won.

What would I have said to the loser?

Well, which one would have won?

She would have. She would have.

I'm glad I was only kidnapped.

That sound again, Charlie. Is your therapist there again?

Oh, yes, and still hard at work

showing me the upper body development exercises.

What about the lower body, Charlie?

Well, actually, there doesn't seem

to be a problem in that area.

Isn't that great?

Charlie's always trying to improve himself.

The very least I can do.

Bye, Angels!

Bye, Charlie.