Original subtitles

That was terrific.

Now, Bosley, you remember

to thank Charlie for the tickets.

Oh, you can thank him yourself in the morning.

You don't mean in person, finally?

Oh, no, no, no.

On the phone, from Max's office.

Max? Who's Max?

Max is the fella

that gave this little charity shindig.

You mean the guy who owns the ice show?

Yeah, well, he's an old friend of Charlie's.

Why do I get the feeling

that this was not strictly for fun?

Uh-huh...

Well, as a matter of fact,

Max has had a few minor problems lately.

What kind of problems, Bosley?

Well, a couple nights ago, somebody broke into his office.

You mean he was robbed?

Well, not exactly. Max isn't sure.

It seems somebody broke into his files,

but nothing was taken.

Well, that doesn't make much sense.

Well, it might not mean anything,

but we'll talk to Max,

and if we've got a job, then we're working,

and if not... well, come on.

We've had a good time.

Even if I didn't get much of my candy apple.

It was delicious.

Yeah?

This is Billy.

About a half an hour.

They're practicing one of the numbers.

Remember, you promised not to touch her, just him.

You got my money?

Billy don't break his word. Door's gonna be open.

Half an hour.

Okay.

Here.

Thank you, Billy.

Sure...

Boy, it's too bad

you have to keep taking all those pills, Helene.

Keeps the old asthma under control.

How come you never help me with my skates, Billy?

Don't tease him, Jack.

Mm, you've got great hands.

Hey, easy, Billy.

You got any plans for tonight?

No.

Mm, that feels great.

Why don't you knock off for the night, Billy-boy?

Mm... Night, Billy.

Thank you.

Oh, sir?

Sir, sir...

Um, sir, excuse me.

Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir.

Just wondering, uh-

I was wondering, sir, if, um...

if I might negotiate a loan.

What?

A loan, sir.

I would like to make a loan.

Well, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.

MAX“. Charlie, what is this?

I call you for help and what do I wind up with?

Three cheerleaders

and a guy who inhales nuts.

They'll help, Max.

Trust me.

"Trust me," he says.

First, somebody breaks into my office,

now my two lead skaters are gone- vanished.

In six days, I officially open the season.

Opening night, we're sold out.

Movie stars, big oil men from the Middle East...

And what do I have?

I'll tell you what I have.

Missing stars is what I have!

A show is what I have not.

When were they last seen?

Last night.

Billy left them in the training room.

Who's Billy?

Billy? Well...

He's sort of our gofer, our flunky.

Nice fella-- good strong back.

Above the neck? Not so strong.

Anyway, Billy saw Jack and Helene together

having a...

well, a little hanky-panky,

if you know what I mean.

Jack and Helene, are they married?

Jack, yes. Helene, no.

If you get my drift, young lady.

Have you checked with Jack's wife?

Aw, for...

Charlie, will you please tell these girls

that I'm not just another pretty face...

Of course, I checked with his wife.

She doesn't know where he's at.

Have you checked Helene's apartment?

I called.

She's not there. Hasn't been.

Well, why don't you just call the police?

Why don't I call the newspapers too?

And tell the ticket-buying public

that my stars are missing?

Charlie, are you sure these people can help me?

Trust me, Max.

Angels, find out why they're missing.

Rehearsal in 10 minutes, everybody.

10 minutes...

May I have your attention, please?

There will be a crew call at 3:30 this afternoon. 3:30.

You with the ice show?

The only ice I want to see is at the bottom of a glass.

My so-called husband is the lead skater.

Jack Ward? I hear he's a terrific skater.

Yeah, skater, 10. Husband, zero.

Damn!

Did you lose something?

Yeah, him...

and the keys to the Chevy.

Hey, listen,

I'm going downtown anyway.

I could drop you off at the locksmith.

I might as well.

Thanks.

I got a feeling he ain't coming back.

You mean he disappeared?

That's what I mean, love.

Wow. You must be really broken-up.

I'm devastated.

I'm sorry, Helene.

They said they wouldn't touch you.

They promised me.

But they lied.

You gotta believe me, Helene, it wasn't my fault.

I'm sorry.

There will be a costume fitting for e veryone in valved at 4:00.

4:00. Don't be late.

Is this it?

What?

No whirlpool? No electrotherapy?

What kind of a training room is this?

The show travels a lot.

Ah... Very astute.

It isn't economically feasible

to take them with you

when you travel.

And you?

Me? What?

Well, you are obviously one of the key members

of this organization.

What is your name?

Everybody calls me Billy.

Good, Billy...

We'll need someone to run the show from backstage,

if you know what I mean.

Lady, you ain't supposed to be in here.

Oh, yes, of course, I am, Billy.

You see, I'm Sabrina Duncan.

I represent the conglomerate

that will most probably buy this show from Max Brown,

lock, stock, and barrel-- personnel included.

Of course, you don't have to worry, Billy.

You will have a job with us.

Oh, thank you.

Now, Billy...

It's usually people like you

who know the true facts.

The girl who disappeared, Helene,

what's her last name?

It's Robinson.

It's Helene Robinson.

She was the best.

Was?

Is!

And, uh, what about Jack Ward?

He's a bum. He's no good.

Well, that's a very interesting

point of view.

Lady, you don't belong in here.

Now, I understand that Helene just disappeared.

Well, that's not very professional, is it?

It's their fault.

She wasn't supposed--

Whose fault?

Come on, Billy.

What are you trying to say?

Lady, you ain't supposed to be in here.

If I am to evaluate things properly,

I must understand

the odd disappearance of our stars.

Don't say anything bad about Helene.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Lady, I told you.

You ain't supposed to be in here.

That's it-- look up everything,

nice and neat.

There's a place for everything,

and there's a place for everything

and everything in its place.

Would you care to explain

your relationship with Helene Robinson?

I told you, I don't want to talk about that.

Can't you understand?

Yes, okay. All right.

I've got it.

I have it. Thank you much. Very informative.

Very, very, very enlightening. Thank you.

Did you think about what I asked?

Look, we weren't kidding.

She's got asthma.

She needs those pills.

Look, whatever you had in mind,

it doesn't include killing us, or you'd have done it by now.

Please, the pills are in the top drawer in her dresser.

You can't miss them.

A small brown bottle.

Hey, look, you can't just let her die.

We're here-- We're here to kill the traitors.

If someone else dies, it will look bad for us.

Maybe we should go to the apartment,

get her medication.

First things first.

The guard at the arena.

Hello.

Come over here, please.

Yeah, what can I do for you?

Listen, I am telling you,

Billy knows more than he's saying.

He almost spilled it.

When I pushed him, he got a little dangerous.

Oh, please.

My Billy's a pussycat.

You just pushed the wrong button.

Your "pussycat" has a record

of assault and battery, Max.

All right, so a long time ago, he was a little short-tempered,

but believe me,

he is not responsible for Helene's disappearance.

He loves her.

A lot of strange things happen in the name of love.

I think you'd better check her apartment, Sabrina.

Good idea, Charlie.

Check her apartment for what?

What will you be looking for?

Well, I'll try to figure out if she's been abducted,

or if she's gone away for the weekend to play.

I don't think it's romance.

Shirley said, after a couple of drinks,

that Jackie-baby always comes home to mama.

This time, he didn't.

I vote for foul play.

Is this beautiful, Charlie?

The children are voting.

My life is at stake,

and they're holding democratic election!

How about some results?

Soon, Max, soon.

But, first, you've got to hire us on as skaters.

Skaters?

Alvin will never buy it.

Who's Alvin?

My director.

I'll just have to tell him who you are.

Well, you can't do that, Max.

You can't risk blowing our cover.

Shall we hit the ice for a little practice?

Just my luck.

Jill skates like a pro, and I get this assignment,

and all the bruises.

Yeah, Max, 1 got the flu,

but my cousin is going to fill in for me

until I get better.

He knows the ropes, Max.

There's an extra uniform right in the locker.

Oh, you can just send me the check.

That's all right. Yeah.

Max, listen. I got to say goodbye.

I'll talk to you later.

How did I do, huh?

Hey, what about the pill-

Welcome to the club.

What's going on here?

It can destroy six traitors in 1.8 seconds.

You shoot very well at melons.

Can you do the same with people?

Pay as you promised, we'll do what you want.

From now on, you do not know me or Kalik.

You understand?

We understand.

Good day, lovely people.

Are you aware

that I am now borrowing money at 18% per annum'?

Clear the ice for auditions, please.

Clear the ice for auditions.

Sufficient. Absolutely sufficient.

I've seen enough.

Well, what do you think?

They are amateurs.

Just 3 “Ne.

You like them, you run the show.

Oh, no. No. No.

Your decision.

On the ice, I back you up.

El con job. Let's go.

Uh, girls...

You know, when you showed us that turn,

the way you came out of it was so beautiful,

I mean, you just stopped and...

it was great.

It's Canoe, isn't it?

Oh, I knew it was Canoe.

You know, what with your body chemistry,

it's like, I don't know...

it's like gardenias in the fall.

Oh, really? How nice. Thank you.

Listen, girls, I'm sorry, but...

You know, you just stopped, and you were so graceful.

What is it that you do to make it seem so...

so-- what is the word, Kris?

So, so... Organic.

Rig ht, rig ht.

You know, you could have been a ballet dancer.

Don't tell anyone, but I was.

The Hoboken Nureyev.

You see? I knew it.

You know, Alvin, you're really outrageous.

Oh?

Well, I mean, who else could get away

with fuchsia and magenta?

Oh, and you make it work too.

How did you think of that combination?

Oh, I just don't let myself go to sleep

until I choose the next day's outfit.

I just toss and turn until it's just right.

"Righteous" is the word.

Right.

You know, I think that you girls

have actually conned me into hiring you.

You definitely are not pros,

but you do bring a certain...

je ne sais quoi elegance into this world of ready-mades.

Alvin, we'll never be able to thank you.

Probably not, but try, dears, oh, I beg of you, try!

Okay.

I hope you don't mind my asking, but who the devil are you?

I'm Olga.

This is Luisi.

Olga, Luisi.

Terrific.

What are you doing here?

We heard a rumor

that your lead skaters have disappeared.

Ugly news travels fast,

but what has that got to do with you?

We would like to audition.

Audition?

You mean to replace them?

We watched the show in Detroit.

We studied all the routines.

They are simple.

I developed the routines.

I don't think they're simple.

No, no, no. She means, they're simply beautiful.

This is either a daydream or a nightmare.

If you have the music, we will Show you.

Well, why not?

"Alvin's Gong Show--" amateurs and nuts.

Hit the music, Sam.

Cue six.

P If we only have love... P

P Then tomorrow will dawn J“

a“ And the days of our years A“

P Will rise on that morn P

P If we only have love P

P We can reach those in pain P

P We can heal all the wounds J“

D We can use our own names A“

P If we only have love P

P We can melt all the guns P

J“ And then give the new world P

P To our daughters and sons P

P If we only have love P

P We will never bow down P

P We'll be tall as the pines J“

P Neither heroes nor clowns P

P If we only have love P

P For the songs that we sing P

P Then we'll have a way out P

P If we only have love PP

Oh, I have only one thing to say.

Where have you been all my life?

You are both exquisite.

Whoever you are, you're hired.

You open the show.

Alvin, stop the auditions.

Work with them day and night and in between.

Work? What's to work?

They are perfection.

Just like me.

I can't tell you what it means

to see skating like this.

You are just wonderful.

Wonderful.

They're in.

You'd better go to the apartment

and get the pills.

Now.

They're fabulous.

Makes me want to hang up my skates.

Yes, aren't they?

What's the matter?

Well, I don't know much about professional skaters,

but this all seems so easy.

Just doesn't make sense.

Listen, maybe we'd better talk to Bree about it.

Well, it'll have to be later,

because she's checking out Helene's apartment.

Let's go. Practice makes perfect.

Okay?

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me, can I borrow your truck?

It's an emergency.

Why are you holding your hands like that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll bring it back...

Sorry.

Hi there.

Out of the truck, please, miss.

Listen-- I know you're probably wondering--

Out of the truck.

Yes, sir. Your way.

License, please.

Uh...

That would be a driver's license?

That's the idea.

Well, look,

you're never going to believe this,

but I don't have it with me.

You see, I left it in the room

when I took my gun out of my purse to...

to... to shoot at the gorilla

who was driving the limousine.

The gorilla... driving the limousine?

Well, I mean, no, it wasn't really a gorilla.

I mean, a gorilla can't drive...

Even if he did have his license.

It was a person in a gorilla mask...

Have you been drinking, ma'am'?

Oh, no. No, no, no. No.

Scout's honor.

Is this your truck?

No. No.

I rented this truck.

Well, actually,

I didn't rent this truck.

I borrowed this truck.

Borrowed?

You could say that.

You stole the truck.

You could say that too.

Listen, look.

I can clear this whole thing up.

I am a private detective.

Now, if... A detective.

Yeah.

Lady, I believe everything you've said today.

But you know what?

Uh...

You don't believe I'm a detective?

I'm afraid not.

How do you spell "gorilla"?

[wonder what Charlie's going [a say--

You mean about the cost of Sabrina's bail?

It really adds up, doesn't it?

Operating a vehicle without a license,

stealing a truck, reckless driving,

and I never even heard of "felony littering."

Bah!

While Sabrina's busy

turning into one of the 10 Most Wanted,

what have we learned?

Did Helene's apartment tell you anything?

Well, it tells me she probably didn't go away

for a romantic weekend.

She left her most expensive perfume,

and her eyelashes, and all that stuff.

I guess that pretty much confirms

Helene's disappearance as a kidnap victim.

I'll take one too, 808.

Pretty much.

Listen, whoever it was

has a good set of teeth prints on his right hand.

If it was Billy,

I think I can get close enough to find out.

He likes me.

Yeah, well, if it was Billy,

I wouldn't get too close.

He's not fully domesticated yet.

I'll have a double.

You got it.

Okay, boys and girls, from the top.

Ready, and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...

One, two--

Wait! Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Let's go back.

Take it from the follow-up.

Ready, and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

one, two--

Wait, hold it! Hold it!

Take five.

When I say five,

I mean 300 seconds, and start counting.

One one-thousand, two...

I'm sorry, Alvin.

I'll practice that move tonight, okay?

Honey, you don't have enough nights in your life

to get that move.

I am going to take you out of this line

and turn you over to Michael.

Who's Michael?

Our top clown.

He'll put you in a red nose,

a pillow here, a pillow there...

I hate to ruin such a figure,

but this way, if you...

if you fall, they'll think it's funny.

Okay?

Now go...

All right, boys and girls, it's back to work.

Now... What?

What's that for?

For being a sweet guy and not firing me.

I can't stand gushy. Now go.

All right, boys and girls,

we're going to take it back from the top...

Ready and...

When do I go in?

Soon.

I need two days to fix the guns.

Fix them right.

If you're Alvin, go away.

The muskets aren't ready yet.

And if I'm not?

They told me you could fix anything.

I think my blade's a little loose.

Oh, sure. No sweat. This is what blew me out.

Excuse me?

You see. See this?

I used to do two flips with a roll

over more barrels than you got freckles.

Then one day, I landed perfect, elevation and everything.

Blade snapped, and so did this leg.

I really appreciate this.

You're new around here, aren't you?

Sometimes I feel like a stranger in a crowd.

Everybody knows what's going on except me.

What's to know about?

Well, I mean,

about your two lead skaters disappearing.

You mean Helene and Jack?

Yeah. Do you have any idea what happened to them?

Sure, sure. That's easy. I figure they're dead.

They're just dead, that's all.

Oh... Well, how come you figure that?

Well, when you get ice in your blood,

you just don't up and leave.

Why, you take me. Gimpy old me.

If I get too far away from ice, I get nervous.

Yeah, they must be dead.

It doesn't seem to bother you very much.

Being human is a terminal illness.

We all deserve what we get when we deserve it.

Yeah, I figure they must be dead.

There's a limit, Max, to what a person can take.

All right, Alvin. Steady, steady!

We're waiting for the muskets, Iggy!

You are asking about the muskets?

Your hearing is perfect.

All right.

Excuse me if you will, gentlemen.

Here you are, my darling.

Put that up to your shoulder,

and face that way...

and aim at them.

Now come on, dear, just like we've been rehearsing.

One, and two,

and aim,

and fire...

Perfect!

Even better than perfect.

All right, now,

when will they all be fixed?

Well, I figure if I work all night,

you can have them tomorrow for rehearsal.

Well, in that case, Iggy, you are perfect too.

I know.

Okay, work, work, work, work!

Would you be interested

in advancing Mason Fairchild

a loan payable within the year at 12% interest,

and that is much better

than anything the banks are offering.

No thanks.

And I thought this territory was going to pay dividends.

I have been here for more than one week,

and thus far,

have not been compensated enough

to drown a termite,

much less wet a man's whistle,

but, of course, it...

You've been here for over a week?

Through thick and thin.

Foul weather and worse.

I---

I say, you don't happen to have a little...

a little drink in that bag of yours, do you?

No, but if you'd answer a few questions for me,

I might be able to work something out.

Are you intimating that I have my price?

Yes.

Ah, sweet nectar.

Okay, now, Mason.

Could you tell me

if you've seen anything out of the ordinary

since you've been staying outside the ice show?

Would you believe along, blue thing...

that spits money

and sucks people up right off the street?

Must have been 30 feet long.

What?

Young lady, please pay attention.

In five minutes, I will not be coherent.

I'm sorry.

Could you... could you just tell me that again?

Long and blue with smoked windows.

A car!

A limousine!

A blue limousine.

You are a believer.

I think I have seen it...

It sits there like a beast,

and it spits them out and sucks them in.

Just like a vacuum cleaner. Whoosh.

Listen, Mason,

I wasn't close enough to get the license plate.

Did you happen to get it?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

They only do that in 1930 movies.

On the other hand, it was in the 1930

that they had a superb sherry.

It was called "diplomat."

The most incredible bouquet.

"Diplomat," that's what it said on the license plate.

"Diplomat"? You sure?

Young lady, do I look like someone

who is not sure of himself?

Oh, Mason, don't ask me that.

I thought I was the only crazy working late.

Who is it?

What's with the crazy masks?

What is it? Halloween or something?

He calls it the "blue people popper,"

and he says it also spits out money.

Oh, that's great.

Now we've got a drunk

that sounds like a bad song is supplying the clues.

He also saw the "Diplomat" license plates.

Which means the car is from

a foreign consulate in the city.

A foreign consulate--

foreign government in volvement.

This could get very sticky, Sabrina.

Charlie...

I've got a feeling we're running out of time.

Ready, and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

two, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

three, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

three, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

four, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

five, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

six, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

muskets up, aim and fire...

That was really adequate.

What is this with muskets up and all I see is sticks?

Alvin, baby, how are we going to get them

to get the feel of everything

if all I see in their hands are sticks?

All right, boys and girls, go to lunch.

Because Iggy said that they would be here today.

Iggy! Again with Iggy.

I don't want to hear anymore about Iggy!

There will be a lunch break,

ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

from 12:15 to 1:15.

Iggy!

Iggy, what is this with no muskets?

Iggy?

There's not supposed to be any visitors in here.

It is all right.

He's my cousin visiting from the other side.

Billy, where is my Iggy?

I don't know, Max.

How could you not know?

Between you and Iggy,

I depend upon you for everything.

I didn't see him today.

Well, when you see him, tell him he's fired,

and if you find him,

tell him we need those muskets.

Who is this?

This is my cousin, Durgas. He just came over.

I thought maybe he could find some work here.

Send him to unemployment. Billy, I told you no visitors.

I told them no visitors, Max.

Mister, you got to go.

Please-- Durgas is a master woodcarver--

and a machinist--

and he works very cheap.

Cheap, huh?

Can you fix muskets?

Durgas can fix anything.

Listen to this.

Okay, you're hired until we find Iggy.

Then you're fired.

Billy, show him where to go.