Original subtitles

You're third- rated Caunes!

For ten years I've put up with your shit- face!

Pain in the ass! Get your ashes hauled!

Ya filth!

I already did, asshole!

Ya ruined my life! I quit my job because of you!

You never had one!

Thanks to who, gloomy? Ma was right. You're a midget!

She can drop dead!

After you, blubber butt!

And you're a lousy lay!

Can't get it up anymore? Droopy dick!

I see no reason to further this conversation.

And I don't talk to a nobody!

I'm leaving.

Farewell, cow! Sow! Bitch!

Get a whore! She'll remind ya of your youth!

No need, I've got one at home.

DARIUS CAUNES PRINTER AND ENGRAVER

She gets carried away so easily!

It's her way of saying she adores me.

Him and his shitty car!

There!

If ya drive, be careful of your top!

It may sprout horns!

Go to sleep, slut!

BASED ON THE NOVEL "HIS NAME WAS DEATH" BY FREDRIC BROWN

DARIUS CAUNES' PRINT SHOP

Sorry.

Ladies, gents!

Hi!

- Two big Scotches. - A double?

No! In two glasses!

- One at a time? - Goddamit! One in each hand!

Here.

It's not complicated!

So what are you doing here?

- What? - And you?

Are you getting alcoholized all alone?

Well…

Huh?

What happened? Did the bank fire you?

No…

Lost your dog?

- My wife. - You lost her?

A row…

Horrible!

- Certain words are unforgivable! - You poor devil.

Do you and your wife ever say unpleasant things?

My friend, I'd like to reassure you

but I must say that for ten years

Mrs. Caunes and I have lived in cloudless bliss.

Without ever raising your voices?

Never. It's a question of principle.

- For her birthday… - Yes?

I bought her… what brand is it?

Charles, it's a dog.

A little one with…

I prefer cats myself.

But, Darius…

Darius is going to the toilet.

Ya promise you'll come back?

Well, in general, yes.

No, I mean…

TOILETS

Shit, my trench coat!

I'll leave it.

I'm sick of him and his broad.

I had a ball! And you? A nice whore?

Give me some cash to go shopping, Darius.

I did yesterday.

We eat every day! And I've nothing to wear!

And this is for the poor?

I'm going to bed. If you want some rest, use your office

I need to be alone.

And slam the doors!

- My pillow? - Sure, darling.

You know what? I left my trenchcoat somewhere.

So what?

You should care!

What did you mean about horns sprouting on the car?

Huh?

Take your pillow end scram!

It's a King Charles!

And like a door had slammed shut on its snout!

Nature did that,

but it couldn't slam doors on all the pups.

Into your kennel!

End of the line!

- You still here? - Yeah.

- What time is it? - Almost six.

The cafés'll be open soon!

What a tragedy, old gal!

Hello?

Let me talk to the inspector on duty.

Well, sweetie!

Your stud came back for his trench coat!

PRINTING SHOP

That all happened two years ago.

The police have never found the slob who wiped out my poor Mireille.

Only I and my wife's lover

know about the trench coat that was forgotten and picked up.

I've become pals with Charlie, the inspector on the case.

Mireille left the scene,

and I hired Rose as my secretary in the printing shop.

She's a plain Jane, but honest.

She has her Sundays and Wednesdays off, like school kids.

Well, my girl, in good shape today?

Wednesday is my one quiet day of the week.

Following my great tragedy,

I inaugurated a top- secret branch

that's a radical change from simple name cards.

I make small amounts,

only for my personal use,

and never try to make a killing.

I don't allow myself any outrageously expensive dreams.

I'm a middle- class con,

a saver of phony money.

What an artist!

Twenty 500- franc notes to launder!

Safely in the safe!

Fifty thousand for free each month isn't in the tops,

but it can change the life of an honest man!

Let's just say I regularly give myself a special bonus.

Time to close.

Time to deposit your monthly gold piece?

My friend, for my retirement plan gold dollars are the only answer.

Bank notes are rather…

Your key?

The bank thinks I'm a careful saver

and opens its gates with no questions.

- There. - That means security to me.

Thank you.

If the Bank of France

ever stops using Pascal's silly mug,

who knows if my hand will be steady enough

to draw the face of the next Chosen One?

The plate…

Monthly balance.

Time to close.

- "Great oaks from"… - Right you are.

- …"little acorns." - Yes.

Up yours!

See you soon.

My regards to your wife!

Asshole!

Thank you, Mr. Caunes.

What a heap! How much did you fork over?

More than you could ever dig up!

You're too conspicuous, I'll have to give you up!

That'll make me sad.

The train…

At the station, I store things I can't leave around the house.

It's sort of my dressing room.

Safety first!

As a boy, I wanted to be an actor.

Mama said no.

If I went to a play, I had to do it on the sly.

I'd have loved to play different characters,

one after another.

But instead, I became a printer, like my papa.

But on Wednesdays I forget my cares and have fun.

Good day, ma'am.

But first, get out of town.

If possible, out of the country!

Always, safety first!

Exchanging phony bills for real money

is the most exhilarating part.

You must buy small items for it to really pay off,

but not too small, or you'll arouse suspicion.

No chewing gum, nor bread,

no eggs one at a time.

My pulse goes up to 110

my hand tends to tremble.

It's the cherry on top of the cake,

the final magic trick. Subtle!

Always be subtle!

Carry only one counterfeit bill at a time.

In case of a search,

a whole bundle would finger me at once.

But with just one, I could pass as being the unlucky pigeon.

But never forget:

age the bill like this…

Nothing smaller?

Everyone has big bills. I've no more change.

If she has a verifier, I'm done for!

Mr. Faure?

Do you have five one hundreds?

Certainly.

There's always a little risk,

but the thrill is divine!

May I have a plastic bag?

Ma'am?

When I feel discouraged, I wonder, at this rate,

how many cans of cat food, rolls of toilet paper,

or individual cigars it will take to get my dream car.

Ten years?

And the villa by the sea?

Thirty years?

Anybody here for the flowers?

Nobody.

- Is anybody here? - Hello, sir.

All alone, little girl?

Mama's away, so I'm watching the flowers.

Want them wrapped?

No, angel, they're for me. It's not necessary.

Then I'll make you a pretty bouquet.

I have the right change.

Feel your heart still pounding? You old rascal!

Mireille?

Where's my Mireille?

Come on! There you are!

Come see me, kitten!

You'll love this! Know what I brought?

Caviar.

Cat's caviar! Yes, angel!

Go on, go have your dinner!

See, Mimi, we're really organized.

Cable TV! All of Rostropovitch on CDs!

The Gourmet Boutique instead of the supermarket!

Thank you, Mama, for pushing me through four years of industrial drawing!

Without you…

I'd never have been able to go into engraving!

What an artist!

You scared me!

Is this money to be entered?

It's savings I haven't yet put in the bank.

I didn't know.

Everything's fine!

Time to close!

Mr. Boileau, right on the dot!

- How are you? I just finished. - Fine, thank you.

Here are two passes, so you can take someone.

Certainly! Thank you.

Yes, a different face each Wednesday!

Wednesday?

Not Wednesday, I mean, a face…

A new role each night!

The theater! The curtain rises! You play a new part!

"Oh, Sir Volpone…"

"It's me, Volpone!"

"It's me, Corbaccio."

"Your friend, Corbaccio."

He laughs but he doesn't hear anymore!

You can't hear, my friend?

He's deaf!

"I'm Corbaccio, that old rascal Corbaccio."

There, here's your bill,

four thousand or so, and I deducted ten per cent.

- You can send me a check. - How kind!

I'll see you out.

Thanks for the seats, my friend.

What a pain in the ass!

My lovely!

- You'd like to go to the theater? - All alone?

Don't you have a steady?

No.

- Several? - No.

One day, my husband threw out his little Rose.

I had only a pearl necklace and ten thousand francs.

So now, I'm distrustful, Mr. Caunes.

I understand.

Rose, you can leave, I'm dining with my cop tonight.

- I'll close up. - Yes, it's Thursday.

Yes, it's Thursday!

It's fine! The restaurant's owner's my pal!

- Kiss me. - Evening, folks.

- Evening! - Have a nice screw!

Right…

Not spicy enough!

If you say so!

Here's your friend.

Darius!

- Here I am! - My boy!

- Yes… - Feel good?

I'm OK.

He's so handsome!

Let me hug you!

Let me go! Charlie, you're embarrassing me!

Relax! It's Thursday!

I checked the stove. It's great!

Let's dig in!

I swear…

Listen!

Let me.

It's funny. Outside is a car exactly like mine but…

not a convertible.

- The same? - Yes.

Exactly the same? Like another Darius?

It's funny, but not very.

I hope I didn't make you wait too long.

- Don't worry. - OK.

Cops know that after a wait the prey is their reward!

Are you crazy?

Boss lady!

Hi, Jean- Louis, how are you?

Hi, everybody!

Any idea what you'll have?

Yes.

A lot of everything, twice, with sauce!

Well!

I'm a big cat.

Like Garfield!

- He scares me… - Made your choice?

- What'll you have? - Kidneys.

For the sauce.

A man's dish! Bravo.

I'll have the steamed lobster with trumpet- of- death mushrooms!

- Right. - OK?

- Thanks. - Thank you, my dear.

Anything new on the investigation?

Nothing.

I'm sorry, it hurts me as much as you.

Belive me, i'm trying to find the slob,

but the clues are so few!

I know, Charlie.

After two years, I don't believe in miracles.

I really don't.

Cheers!

Tell me, does an investigation

ever peter out?

Here in our area, we have a hundred unexplained disappearances each year.

- You're kidding? - No.

Ten or so resurface, but not many more.

I've been saying that for two years!

Yes, but what makes a case come back to life?

It depends, it can be

a phone call,

an informer,

an article of clothing.

- Clothing? - For example!

Yes, that's just an example.

For Mireille, I'm waiting for a detail.

He might be a normal guy like us.

He went crazy… He was broke.

He went in, looking for money.

Things went wrong.

She screamed, he chocker her.

He left so fast he forgot his…

His what?

His motive.

"Why'd I kill that woman?"

Know what I thought when you bought the Citroën?

This lady had a bad love affair,

and the guy didn't even leave her the car!

That's when I knocked off five per cent!

- I'll get up… - Yeah.

…And leave for a moment.

If you follow me, I'll blow you before dinner.

Cock- teaser!

- Coming? - Coming.

- A charming couple. - Let's eat.

There.

You're sure nobody's on the stairs?

Couldn't we go somewhere else for this?

Hurry up, please!

Charlie, I'll tell you a secret.

Since my misfortune,

I haven't touched a woman.

- Not one? - Not one.

Even with… compensation?

No, my heart's not in it.

Besides, I'm a bit short.

A printer doesn't make much…

What about Rose?

- Rose? - Why not?

I'm sure she likes you a lot.

Two years! You can't go on like that!

You know Charlie…

sex is like appetite. The less you eat, the less you're hungry.

It can even lead to anorexia!

Such words! Anorexia!

I'm sorry. I'm so depressed!

I understand.

I'll introduce you to some girls!

- Don't shout like that! - Who cares?

I'm not made the way you are!

It's lucky we're not all alike. If we were…

What I need is tenderness or love.

Darius…

I wish you could be happy again.

You deserve it more than anyone else.

And I know what I'm saying!

I have to go on duty now.

But I must make a call on my way.

- A call. - I'll pay later…

No, Charlie, you always pay!

You can pay once your luck changes!

Keep your chin up!

Thanks for your company, Charlie.

I love you.

- See you on Thursday. - Bye.

It was gigantic!

- Good. - Ciao!

My regards.

Out of my way, kiddos!

I want my auto.

I'm sorry. It's splendid.

I got one too,

but yours is…

It's really classy!

Does it tempt you?

Sure, I'd love it.

Then it's yours.

But of course, you'll give me yours.

I hate public transport.

- Claude, I'm cold. - Wait a second.

Why do you want to swap?

Because I have delicate ears

and when I put the top down, I get earaches.

Yes, I do!

And what shape is yours in?

A- one.

And I know 'cause I'm a car dealer.

Look.

No rust, perfect chrome.

But yours looks a bit seedy.

Frankly, the motor needs tuning up.

- Really? - The valves could use grinding.

So I'll add ten thousands with the car.

To be honest.

Claude…

let's go home.

Get off my back.

Grab a cab and I'll call you tomorrow.

But… Claude.

What? Don't ya see I'm working?

I gave you a good time, isn't that enough?

Well said!

Bastard!

When the bill came, I paid

and you kept the receipt!

She's raving mad.

Let's not do our laundry in public.

Sorry, she's not very well- bred.

So we'll swap

and you'll slip me twenty thousand?

No, ten.

- OK. - OK.

Come to my office on Saturday

for the papers and money.

Fine, you're sure you won't regret this?

My friend, I'm too old to play young leading men!

- Have no qualms about it! - What a night.

Now, then, empty your glove compartment

and give me your calling card.

- Right. - Then you can drive off with your new toy.

You're dying to!

- Now? - Yes, now!

Know what time I'm usually in bed?

But I've no calling card.

Well there's no…

- No calling card? - Not on me.

What a coincidence! I'm a printer.

I have a special offer, right now.

How many shall I print up?

- Two thousand? - I'm not sure.

Two thousand is nothing, on the contrary.

Two thousand for a start and I'll knock off ten per cent!

It's my lucky day!

One little detail!

If her motor's cold, pump the accelerator five or six times.

- Otherwise, zero. - Sure.

- An old lady's whim. - Yeah.

Go on, pump.

Now, OK.

Well!

Alright?

- See ya Saturday. - So long.

The poor boob!

I'm here to see Mr. Caunes.

- Claude Athias? - Yes.

He told you I'd come by?

Don't you recognize me?

Rose!

- It is. - It's been 15 years.

I can't believe it! It was at Cortina d'Ampezzo.

A big hug?

What's new? Are you married?

- I was. - Ah.

Already divorced?

Your cards are ready.

I was sure it was going to be you.

You've become pretty.

Thanks.

And you, married?

- A father? - No.

Life's always full of surprises.

I may be old- fashioned,

but I want sincere feelings, love with a big L.

I've known lots of women, but…

I'm still looking for my better half.

- You're a romantic, now? - Alas, yes.

You know I bought your boss' car?

Yes, he left the papers and the money for you

and he said the cards are a gift.

Fine! That guy's got a good attitude.

Who's the nut who let you get away?

A rich man who threw me out.

And now?

I have my own place, I work for Mr. Caunes

and we're no longer in Cortina d'Ampezzo.

Free for lunch tomorrow?

Come on. I'd say dinner tonight,

but I've got a big American client from States.

- What do you do? - Car sales.

But luxury models! Top- level job, I'm doing great!

- Tomorrow's OK. - Good.

I'm glad.

Give me your address and I'll pick you up at one.

Got my papers? I have to go.

Here are my car papers for your boss.

I'm glad to see you again.

Me too.

- Insurance. - Right.

- Bill of sale. - Right.

And ten thousand francs.

Shit! A check?

It's good, I assure you.

But the banks are closed on Saturday.

- He's not coming in? - I doubt it.

You've no money for the weekend?

It's not that, but it's…

It's complicated, because

I promised to give the American some cash.

Somebody swiped his traveler's checks.

Have you got any cash?

I promised him…

Is that cash?

How much?

Ten thousand.

Great!

Keep the check, give me the envelop!

- I don't like it. - Why?

- Is it Mr. Caunes'? - Yes.

Great, it'll save him a trip to the bank!

But maybe he…

No, he said he'd pay me cash.

- Maybe this was meant for me. - But why the check?

He forgot!

But he told me: "If I'm not there,

it'll be in the safe."

Rose, believe me.

That's it.

This is the kind of initiative that'll make him say:

"my secretary uses her grey matter."

Remember our last dinner?

When I left for Paris?

You drank a whole bottle of white wine.

I cried when your train left.

I cried on the train.

I borrowed 500 francs from you,

and said I'd pay you back in a week.

Forget all that.

Claude Athias always pays up.

Please…

Don't say no.

Alright.

One o'clock, tomorrow,

22 rue de la Juiverie, second floor.

22 rue de la Juiverie, second floor.

OK.

I better go, now.

I better go before I do something foolish.

Ciao.

WHITE PAPER

I'm here for the Primuca order.

Primuca… airmail paper.

What's your boss use it for?

I don't know and I don't care.

Twenty grams! Just feel that velvet surface!

The invisible grain!

Remind you of anything?

Not me!

Put numbers in the corners

and you'd be a millionaire! Understand?

Not at all.

Want to recount that?

My last time here.

The boss lady's comments are too common!

Robert'll load it for you.

See you soon?

Yes, it's all so absurd!

Hello, Mr. Caunes.

- Everything OK, Rose? - Yes, Mr. Caunes.

Nothing new?

No, Mr. Caunes.

The Bank of France's money doesn't buy happiness,

but the money I make does!

Right, old girl?

Time to close.

Rose.

- Well, Rose! - Yes, sir?

Send that to Ducrest and ask if he likes the color.

But he said…

Ask him!

You know customers,

the sample is always magnificent,

and then you get stuck with 5000 refusals!

Did Mr. Athias come by?

Yes.

With your car papers.

They're OK?

They're in order.

- But he was just… - Just what?

He was upset because of the check,

so I gave him…

Mr. Caunes' cash?

Are you crazy?

You said it was savings, so I thought…

Thought what? You could give it to just anyone?

It'd save the trip to the bank!

If I'd meant to put it in the bank, I'd have done it already!

You idiot!

But he was in a fix, and so nice!

So nice!

Then go out on the sidewalk

and give my money to everyone who's so nice and in a fix,

while you're at it!

I meant well Mr. Caunes!

"I meant well Mr. Caunes!"

The road to prison is paved with good intentions, Miss!

To prison?

Yes! It's a figure of speech.

Don't Just stand there! Set out!

Stop eating that chocolate stuff!

Are you committing cocoa suicide or what?

It's an anti- depressant.

How much does it cost?

Ten francs.

I should've thought of that!

Listen, in the future,

please stop taking any initiatives!

Be a good girl!

It's not a question of money!

It's a matter of principle!

I'm…

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry,

But if it's a stolen car, what'll happen?

Did you think of that?

If it is stolen,

I'll be out ten thousand francs!

Understand?

You don't seem to catch on.

Try to understand things!

And what do you imagine? Do you think I print my own money?

I'll pay you back!

With what you earn? Poor thing!

How long do you think it'd take you?

I don't know…

I should have…

Go on! Go on!

Go on, I'll close up!

You know, at times, I wonder…

I mean, what the hell is going on?

It's true.

Let's just hope! But it's a real pickle!

A beauty of a pickle.

A really giant size!

But it won't spoil your Sunday!

It's disgusting!

Really!

Mimi, come on!

Come on.

When I think of all those nights of engraving,

of buying all that junk, one thing after another,

to launder all that dough.

Of changing my mug ten times a month,

of my dressing room in the crapper at the station!

And that little cow

blows it all in the blink of an eye!

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Athias.

You recognized me? Good!

Well, it's about the 10000 francs.

Unfortunately, I can't let you keep the bills.

Because, quite simply, it was a mistake

my secretary made.

Pardon me?

Well, I mean…

actually…

I printed them last Wednesday.

And at the moment, I can frankly say

I'm in very deep shit. Yes.

Two years.

Two years of hard work.

Yes, Mimi.

I'm coming, Mimi.

My, my.

More caviar.

It stinks like the low- tide.

Mimi, come here.

Go on, finish the can.

My, my…

If I had known, if I could…

If this, if that.

Athias Claude, 19 rue des trois marées.

It pays to be neat and tidy.

Just to scare him!

You're not afraid of a gun, are you, Mimi?

Look.

Out of sight, out of mind.

He's out!

What a pity.

I even know he's at Florence Picot's.

Got a second?

Come down and I'll explain.

Come on in!

- Come in, I said. - Am I disturbing?

- In there. - Thank you.

You're expecting company!

Yes, an extra setting, but he won't show up now.

Spaghetti pomodoro,

homemade pasta, homegrown tomatoes.

Some wheat germ?

Thank you, I just ate.

Do you know a pasta diet is more efficient than a pineapple?

Who is Florence Picot?

A slob loaded with dough.

All Claude cares about is dough!

He'd screw anything

that has a big bank account.

Men are bastards.

He was tactless with my daughter,

then flew the coop.

Tactless?

To tell you the truth…

the pig knocked her up.

No!

Yes. Word for word.

That fucker…

Some mineral water?

Why not?

Do you know anything about Florence, his next victim?

He promised me so much.

He sold me a car that burned up the same night!

He took me to dinner and I paid!

You paid and he kept the receipt?

He did the same to my daughter.

She told me everything.

You're a good man.

I do my best.

Florence's address…

I found her address and phone number.

I meant to call her.

But I didn't.

You'll see.

He'll marry her.

Let's get him.

Who's the man in the fridge?

My shrink.

He cured my bulimia.

A fine homage.

Cheers.

- Fuck me! - Huh?

- Yes! - After dinner?

- No! - But…

Kiss me, hurt me, fuck me, do something!

Stick it in me!

Wait! No! My…

- Destroy me! - It's a new shirt, Florence!

- Rape me! - Don't mess with my shirt!

Shit!

Won't you answer?

Either you screw me or you can stuck our wedding up your ass!

- Yes, who is this? - Mrs. Florence Picot?

Miss Picot, actually.

This is Telephone Repairs.

We've had calls saying your line is out of order.

Have you had any calls in the past ten minutes?

None.

But I rang four times before getting through.

Yes.

- May I ring you again shortly? - How soon?

Are you going out?

No, but I'm turning my answering machine on,

if you know what I mean.

Yes. It would take me about an hour.

Me too!

About an hour…

Talk to you later!

Thank you, miss.

What an appetite.

I'll be up all night.

Know the one about the monkey's tail in the customer's drink?

No!

And I don't want to hear it.

Same thing?

Comin' right up.

Next time, I'll tie you down!

Life with you is so good.

See this? It's the start of our fortune.

It's our future company's first deal.

Since I'll be holding the purse- strings, take it.

Here.

There's nine and a half thousand.

It's just to open the account.

I've got myself a convertible,

I'd say we earned it.

I'll accept this,

but we're not married yet, and papa was clear:

"If you marry that car salesman, do it under seperate maintenance."

He's right.

It'll protect me too.

He's a great guy.

I'll sign a receipt.

None of that between us, darling.

But Claude…

anything else is out of the question!

I can see our life, now,

a real fairy tale.

A new car each year…

Make it for 9000,

I'll keep 500 to save a trip to the bank.

- I'll be a millionaire. - I'm already a billionaire.

Yes, of course. Now…

I have an early morning appointment.

If I stay I'll do something foolish…

I'd be worn out tomorrow.

Shit!

Excuse me, sir, sorry to bother you,

but would you mind trading that new bank note

for an old one?

Let me explain.

It sounds silly, but tomorrow is my grandson's birthday

and I promised him a brand new bill.

Yes, if this'll help.

I forgot to go to the bank before closing time.

Tomorrow is…

our family dinner.

So there's…

no other solution.

- Here. - Thanks a lot.

Let me thank you by buying you a drink.

- No problem. - I'd like that.

Barman, the usual.

You're just in time

to help me celebrate something tonight.

You remind me of someone.

I can't recall.

I just bought

a garage. A very big one, brand new.

Maybe that's it.

I'm in cars, too, like you.

- You're in cars? - Yes!

I'm working on a deal too.

I'd like to…

to branch out.

That's perfectly normal, no one can blame you.

- To your health. - Cheers.

Young man…

Well, since you're in the business,

I'm looking for a manager,

someone I can count on, of course.

Like a general manager.

I'm too old to run it, so I need

a man to organize things and be fairly responsible.

I'm too old.

- I've got your man. - Already?

I thought you're dynamic,

I could see that in your eyes.

Claude Athias.

Fine! A nice- sounding name.

Very nice.

- Shake. - What?

- Shake. - OK.

- You'd pay how much? - No problem.

Around 30000, if the individual…

If they're suitable, 30000.

I'm Claude Athias.

Of all…

Of all things!

And you'd work for me?

For you, for 30000, as of tomorrow.

Magnificent.

Listen,

let's go look at the place right now.

In my car?

- The bill! - It's on me, naturally.

Keep the change.

Shall we go?

This is extraordinary! And strictly by chance!

My friend, you're taking the president for a ride,

so watch the bumps.

Mister President.

What good luck.

It's magnificent.

Nice crate, eh?

Yes, a very nice crate.

I swapped my old one for it with an old fart who prefers sedans!

Pump! Pump the accelerator.

Yes sir.

An old lady's whim.

I know this model quite well.

- Where to? - Straight ahead.

Where'll I drop you off?

That's a surprise for the manager.

Let's go.

Well?

It's a great spot.

They're renovating the neighborhood

so I'm having this built.

- Good. - Yes.

Put the ladder up against the wall.

The ladder against the wall.

- The ladder, go on! - Yes, Mr. President.

I'll show you your office.

Yeah!

- Go on, go! - I'm going, Mr. President.

I'm behind you.

OK?

It's beautiful!

Wait 'till I explain.

Don't get excited…

- Sorry! - …Until you know the layout.

- Don't lean back. - No, of course not.

- Don't lean back! - I know what I'm doing.

- Help me. - Here.

You can see

how grandiose the place will be.

There'll be two levels of parking

above the workshops.

You'll be dressed in white.

Reigning over a tribe of idiots, all dressed in blue.

- You'd like that? - I sure would.

Now I know who you remind me of!

You do?

The guy I swapped cars with.

Yes? Really…

- The old fart? - Right.

You're lucky,

because the old fart

is me.

Are you Mr. Caunes?

Caunes.

So what's this masquerade?

Careful...

Claude Athias doesn't like to be kidded!

No!

And Athias isn't kidding!

I'll explain. When I was a boy,

Ma didn't want me to dress up.

Then, my wife didn't want me to act.

And now, it's you, asshole!

Me? What?

The old fart has a problem.

You like it here? The construction's OK?

You'll be able to branch out.

I was joking.

It's no joking matter.

I liquidated my wife for less.

So…

Halt!

What is this

Ya crazy?

I didn't do anything!

You can have your car back!

It's no bother. Take everything.

Kid, I don't need you in order to get it back!

I'll tell you something else.

You're not worthy

of that car.

Put that thing away.

Stop! Shit.

It might go off.

And it's going to go off.

It's a question of principle, not money.

Thirty thousand a month! What a dream.

Datebook, who cares…

What's this?

Five hundred francs! It's mine.

"I, Florence Picot, living at 42 rue de la Charité,

acknowledge receipt of the sum of nine thousand francs

from Mr. Claude Athias."

I swear…

They're pulling every trick on me!

I missed you, gorgeous.

Let's go for one last ride.

Splash.

Who is it?

It's Claude.

Claude?

I don't recognize your voice, what do you want?

I want you.

The streets are full of maniacs.

Prove it's you.

The receipt.

This time I'll tie you up!

Hello.

Yes? Who do you want?

No, Mrs. Caunes isn't here.

Who's calling?

Yes?

The Rizal Co, yes, I know.

Exactly, she… Yes…

She bought a fur coat there three years ago.

Right.

I made the last payment last month.

That's right.

No, she doesn't care.

I said she doesn't care!

She doesn't care about restyling its cut.

She doesn't care about fashion or the winter styles.

She doesn't care about anything!

Yes.

No, I can't put her on the phone…

because she's dead. Right.

I swear! Some people!

Look at that.

What'd they do with the last damn bill?

That's the problem,

a monkey- wrench always falls in the works!

I can't keep them, right Mimi?

Mimi?

No, it wouldn't be safe.

To reach such a point,

it's really infuriating…

No, I can't do that.

It'd be like burning a Van Gogh.

Well, my darling…

what did we do with it?

What did we do with Mrs. Caunes' coat?

Sweetie, let me hold you a bit.

I'll tell you something, angel…

Yes, I know, but I didn't kill anyone!

I made some characters disappear, that's all.

Yes, but the play's over.

Go on.

My poor Mireille.

I can still see her big, beautiful eyes

unmoving, like those on the girl yesterday.

Your big eyes, so beautiful, but terrified!

This coat looks good on me, eh? Yes, it does.

"All the world's a stage

And all the men and women merely players."

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts."

Shakespeare.

What a pity.

It's so sad.

Smothered.

Not a pretty way to go.

Her mother.

An antique aristocrat. She found the body.

Claude Athias signed this job by leaving his wallet.

He either lost it or he's a nerd.

Still no answer?

- Well? - No.

Then get over to his place!

Break down the door, we've got to nab him before tonight!

- You got any… - That's all you think of.

- I hate Sundays. - Huh?

Look! I got some!

A shitty mess!

Yeah.

Hi! Flowers- by- Fone!

"You're lovelier than 15 years ago."

Hello? Claude?

Mr. Barette?

You made a date with Claude Athias?

Yes…

Your lunch date's in his datebook.

I have bad news for you, Rose.

He can't come…

he's dead.

I'm sorry.

- Thank you, bye. - Goodbye.

Some chocolate buns.

- No apple turnovers? - No.

- Just chocolate. - Let's roll.

- Is that necessary? - It amuses me.

Anything amuses you!

Claude was a generous man.

He was courteous

and handsome.

In his mind I was always in a garter belt and corset.

Inspector…

I'm good at it.

And I do my best to stay good.

You saw them swap cars?

I left them to talk and took a cab.

Did he join you later that night?

No, he had an early meeting with an associate.

An American from Luxembourg, I think.

Make an effort!

What was this outraged father like?

He was old,

sort of like you.

He had glasses and a mustache.

Did you know Miss Picot?

Not that bitch!

Bitch?

That's not nice.

Really?

What would you call a jelly jar

who tries to marry your next- door neighbor?

You see what I mean.

The one about the monkey?

I love it!

Know him?

Affirmative.

He came in just before closing with the old guy.

He had no sense of humor.

They had a drink,

and swapped two 500 francs bills.

- Swapped? - Affirmative.

- Were they drunk? - No idea.

I don't cop- eye the customers.

"I don't keep an eye on the customers."

"Cop- eye" is in no dictionary!

If you say so.

The old guy drank from two different glasses.

I don't see what that means.

He's afraid of running dry.

He has a taste for violets!

- More like grapes. - Violets too.

Yes? Ah, Charlie.

Come on up.

It's open.

In the kitchen!

- We're in here. - Yes.

My boy!

I thought: "I can't wait 'till Thursday to see him".

- Am I interrupting? - Not at all!

- I was about to phone you. - About what?

Everyone's talking about it today!

The guy! The girl! The murders!

I keep my ears open.

My pals have been on it since last night.

- You OK? - Fine.

Charlie, after our dinner the other night,

I swapped cars with this guy.

Yes.

The murdered man found at the construction site!

So I've heard. Why'd you give up your lovely convertible?

My earaches!

I've had over ten, that's enough.

Can you stay for lunch?

Is there enough?

Of course! Sit down.

Tell me everything.

"Tell me", he says…

I don't know much.

Yes, there's one odd thing.

They found your car.

It's funny, it was far from the murder, but near St- Luke's footbridge.

You know it's not my car any longer.

Sure.

You gave him your car plus some money?

Sorry, you keep your ears more than just open.

Yes, his car was mechanically better than mine,

so I gave him a little extra.

- Nine thousand, right? - Ten thousand.

I got it at the office

Saturday morning.

It fits.

He had his girl sign a receipt for nine thousand francs.

Then he celebrated at a bar.

I was afraid for you, in retrospect.

Me too! It was 500- francs bills.

Rose gave him the cash a client had left her

on account for a big order.

I reimbursed the till.

It seems he pulled some hanky- panky with a guy at the bar.

Hanky- panky?

He exchanged a 500- franc bill for a different one

in the guy's pocket.

They had a drink and left together.

That one!

What do you think?

I think it was some sort of code.

They were to meet there, right?

Hand me a corkscrew.

I think

the guy was a father who couldn't bear the fact that

Athias had knocked up his daughter.

He complained about that to the neighbor woman.

The truth is,

he did justice himself.

No, you don't put two bullets in a guy…

- That's what they said on TV? - Yeah.

You don't put two bullets in a guy

because he does his girl wrong.

Even if it's in the family! No one does that anymore.

Except in Sicily… And even so!

What an analyst!

If you could explain to me why Claude Athias

left his wallet in his girl's bedroom…

Why's Mireille that way with you?

- Meaning? - The cat.

When you're here, she runs away.

You scare her.

I'll get the pickles.

Mimi!

You do yourself pretty good.

Yes! Of course.

A gift from a supplier.

- This stuff's good. - Mimi loves it too.

Go on, have some.

Enjoy it!

What's your man like? His looks?

Looks?

A bit taller than you, about 55 or 60,

big glasses, plump…

A moustache.

Have some rice.

The two women try to pretty him up a bit,

to hide his gigolo aspect.

But they loved him! It's not their fault!

It's wonderful, giving your feelings full rein!.

You look peaked.

I bet you stay up too late.

Forgive me, Mr. Caunes,

for my annoying initiative that made you angry.

"Mrs. Paule Duranti announces the death of her husband…"

Quite normal, no problem.

No comment, it looks very good.

'Morning, Mr. Caunes.

You look peakish today.

What happened?

Did you win the lottery?

That's a good one.

Have you seen it?

About Claude Athias?

Of course I have.

It's in all the papers.

The poor boy…

Have you talked to the police already?

Charlie came to see me.

He phoned me.

Prepare this for Mrs. Duranti.

For the widow Duranti.

She'll be in this afternoon.

Type up a bill of 800 francs.

She's loaded.

Did you discuss it

with your friend Charlie?

What?

The car swap.

Rose, that's why he came to see me.

I traded cars with a corpse.

Naturally he came to see me, even on a Sunday.

Of course.

Yes, of course.

But that doesn't concern you.

What's got into that cop?

Why'd he spoil your Sunday?

He didn't spoil a thing.

He showed smart intuition.

Please! Smart intuition?

Charlie?

What a laugh!

You're severe.

He likes you a lot.

Charlie? Sure.

He hates me.

Why would you say that? He said lots of nice things about you.

He's a liar! A hypocrite!

He does his job badly and hangs out in bars…

he calls me "my boy"! It's ridiculous.

Beware, Rose.

Beware of him.

So why do you dine with him each Thursday?

Each Thursday I keep hoping he'll tell me who killed my wife

and why.

There!

Do you know what it's like

to wait for that for two years?

I think so.

Each Thursday

the bill lands on my plate.

And Charlie still hasn't found the man.

Rose, he doesn't give a damn.

So I don't see any smart intuition.

I told him some things.

Really?

He found out I knew Claude Athias,

or else he phoned by chance,

and luck was in his favor.

- You knew Athias? - Yes.

I didn't have time to tell you Saturday,

you were so angry.

Like a childish fit!

Claude and I met years ago, but hadn't seen each other since.

You told Charlie?

- Of course. - Everything?

The check? The money in the safe? My savings?

My little tantrum?

No.

That's strictly between us, Mr. Caunes.

Mind opening the mail before you do your toes?

Mind if I take some extra time at lunch hour?

Something important?

I have to see Mr. Barette.

Mr. Barette…

He asked you to?

No, but last night I remembered something.

What?

About the money.

I forgot when he mentioned it on the phone.

What money? I don't understand.

Your savings!

He asked who Claude gave money to.

Didn't he tell you?

I forget.

He gave you money?

Five hundred francs.

He paid me back after borrowing it 15 years ago.

You'd call that what?

Long term.

After dinner tonight, Charlie and I will come over for a drink.

- We'll discuss all that. - Why?

I don't like leaving you in that guy's hands.

That's why.

I'm not used to being worried about.

Would I be wrong

to tell Mr. Barette about the 500 francs?

Nice stuff.

You've been hiding your gifts.

What gifts?

Your natural assets!

Has Darius ever handled them?

He says you're vulgar.

Yes, Darius is a gourmet.

He doesn't eat, he tastes, he doesn't drink, he sips!

You wanted to see me?

Yes.

To invite you home for dinner tonight.

The two of us?

The two of us.

Does Darius know you're here?

No, he'd have a fit.

Do you know he often does?

Not really.

It's odd, he's like a child!

He clenches his fists and stamps his feet.

I think he's unhappy.

Are you trying to take advantage of that?

Of what?

By consoling him…

By aiming for both his home and printing shop.

It'd be pure profit for you and you'd still lead your own life.

Darius is very indulgent,

isn't he, my dear Rose?

Don't call me "dear Rose".

You'll come?

Why not?

I have something funny to show you.

I'd call that the work of an artist, and you?

Of an engraver.

Who is it?

It's us, Rose, Charlie and me.

It's open.

Big glasses,

a mustache…

rather heavy.

Doctor Jekyll

and mister Caunes.

You found your trench coat?

Yes.

Are you armed?

No, my boy.

Not today?

A normal man would've never done all that.

But I'm normal.

So?

What about your analytic mind?

How were you going to kill dear Rose?

Don't call me "dear Rose".

I told you he hated me.

Sorry.

It was you.

I've been after you for two years, Caunes.

It's a big day.

The cops weren't in a hurry.

I knew I'd do it!

Did you doubt it, bird- brain?

You're slow!

You thought I'd settle for a crime of passion?

He kills his wife. "But, Judge, she had a lover!"

Two years and then he peacefully goes home.

No.

I've got plans for you.

I want life in prison.

You're dirtier than I am, Charlie.

You never really looked for your wife's lover.

You didn't try?

You're ugly. Very ugly.

And yet you ate dinner with him each Thursday.

One hundred and four Thursdays.

As boring as shit!

Yes, we both go for food, Charlie.

You do.

But I prefer ass.

Mireille was mine.

My gift!

My object!

Yes, his gift, his object…

His toy.

Don't worry, Charlie,

we'll buy you a new one in a store.

My little copper.

You hear that, Rose?

Rose?

My little Rose…

he slept with my wife for weeks.

Then he ate with me each Thursday.

You'd call that what?

Good breeding?

We wait,

then the prey comes to us as our reward, I told you that before.

I'm not a pal,

I'm a cop again.

And I got ya.

Introducing Darius Caunes,

killer of his wife, Florence Picot and Claude Athias,

also a counterfeiter in his spare time.

Nice stuff, eh?

It's none of my business.

But you were next on the list!

Yes, I told you so.

You were born a shit,

and you'll die a shit.

Don't forget it, Charlie.

It'll keep you company

when your time comes.

And I'll tell you one last thing.

- Get off my ass! - I was wrong.

I don't want a life sentence, but legitimate defense.

And right away!

Don't worry, dear Rose is on my side.

Go on! Shoot, Charlie!

But remember!

You were born a shit.

Shoot!

Hello?

I want the chief inspector, please.

You've got five minutes to get rid of that disguise.

I'll be quick.

There's your maniac.

He told us everything.

Even about murdering my wife.

He said:

"first I killed them,

then I raped them."

Put that in your report.

Luckily, Darius… I mean,

mister Caunes was here,

if not, we wouldn't be here, Commissioner.

- Inspector. - As you wish.

Charlie…

You spoil my appetite.

For once, it's not a disgrace to be the boss's mistress.

No need to tell you

that we plan on hushing up this affair.

I'm counting on you.

Yes.

Don't worry.

Mister Barette

died the way he lived,

he was a syrupy, lying hypocrite…

he was stingy and always in disguise…

So who'd want to talk about him?

My poor darling.

My dearest Mr. Caunes,

you've made me a party to my first crime.

I've saved your skin. We're linked together by life, for life.

I was had right to the bone by your innocent airs.

Good thing you've got a sweet ass!

Even so, don't eat me out of house and home!

"Ad vitam aeternam."

From now on, I want to wade through plenty of dough!

- Bastard. - Bitch.

It was great, last night.

We're good together, eh?

Yes, darling.

My little pussy…

My little angel.

My kitten…

My angel!

You're not about to get rid of me.

Here's the outline.

You print it. I spend it.

I spend it, you print it.

Ad vitam aeternam.

Keep rowing, my boy.

Row.

I'm rowing.

It's so calm!

So serene!

So much water!

I'll teach you Archimedes' principle, dear Rose.

"When a body is submerged in a liquid...

and does not surface after thirty minutes...

it is considered as being lost".

Eureka, I've got it.

What a lovely day! My God, what a lovely day!

Time to close.