Original subtitles

Hiya, boys!

Hey, Roy, you wanna get a new elastic band in that.

-ROY: Ah, drop dead. -Shut up.

Hey, what you got in this thing? Atomic juice or something?

-You know what you should do with yours, don't ya? -What?

-Oil it. -Get out. You know, If he's standing out there...

-Well, what's the matter with you? -Don't know.

-Hey! -Watch out, I got you, mate.

What're you talking about? You'd be better off with a pair of roller skates.

-You better wait for the 40C bus the way you were going. -Shut up.

-Hey, have you seen his bit of metal, have ya? -It's a decent bike!

-Decent bike? Is he staying? Hey, who's buying a tea? -I don't care.

You're a skint anyway.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

-Hey! -Slow down, girl, what about me?

-Wanna table, love? -No.

-Are you sure? -Hello.

-Hi, fellows. -Hello, boys.

MAN: Here's the courting couple.

-Hello, there. -MAN: Are you going steady?

-Of course we are, aren't we? Give us a kiss. -Oh, don't be daft.

How's that, then?

TEACHER: Alkalies...

For washing wool and silks and all gentle fabrics.

Contains no free alkaline.

Have you ever seen a statement like this on the outside of a packet of soap?

-(MOTORBIKE ENGINE RUMBLING) -If so...

-It's Reggie. -Pay attention girls, please.

In the last chapter you learned something about acids.

-In this you will be able... -(BELL RINGING)

(INDISTINCT MURMURING)

-Has he got the ring yet, Dot? -Oh, I'll clock him on if he hasn't.

-Have you told your mom yet? -Oh, she don't mind.

I'll be 16 in December.

She got spliced to dad when she was 16.

-Sweet 16, and never been... -Who hasn't, mate?

All right, girls. Don't rush, one at a time!

-One at a time. -Have you got it?

Come on, let's have a look at it, Reggie.

-Got what? -Oh, the ring.

-Ring? What ring? -Oh, come on, me mates wanna see it.

All right, now hold on girls, don't get jealous.

Now watch your eyes, 'cause it's gonna dazzle ya.

(ALL GASP)

What's going on here?

It's Dot's ring, Miss.

Reggie just give it to her, they're engaged.

Show Miss the ring, Dot.

It's lovely. You're a lucky girl.

-Yeah, it cost a few bob and all, I tell ya. -(GIRLS CHUCKLING)

Is this your fiance?

Oh, don't you remember him, Miss?

Reggie Wilcox, he was in Mr. Barnett's class.

Yeah, he remembers me and all.

You want to think carefully before you rush into marriage.

Oh, blimey! Before we get a lecture, come on.

TEACHER: Well, I'll see you tomorrow. -Here we go.

Ta-da, girls.

REGGIE: Sorry and all that, you know how it is.

-Bye, then. -Bye.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Hurry up, Dot, before me mom comes in.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

-Do you want a fag, love? -Oh, no thanks.

I wouldn't mind a piece of chocolate. It's in me bag.

Yeah, you've got a lot in here.

When should we have the wedding, then?

Oh, I don't know.

How about straight after I leave school?

Then I can't get talked into getting a job.

-Hey, you had the employment dame up there yet? -Yeah.

Hey, should we have bridesmaids?

Nah, cut out all the fancy lot.

Oh, I want it in a church, I'm not gonna have a downtown hall.

(CHUCKLES) You haven't been to church since you was christened.

Oh, it's nice in a church.

I'm gonna have a white dress and all.

All I want's a double bed. You ain't got room to breathe here.

Oh, you ain't have sex! It's all you think of.

Yeah, I know.

-(DOOR CLOSES) -Hey, was that your mom back?

Oh, blimey!

-See what I mean? Never have peace. -Oh, I've lost my shoe.

REGGIE'S MOTHER: Are you in, Reggie? -Yeah.

Well, you might have put the kettle on.

I've been too busy.

-What's she gonna say when she sees me here? -Oh, it's all right.

Come on. She might get the wrong idea.

Dot's here, mom, she's having tea.

Blimey!

Come on.

(DOT GIGGLES)

Mom.

Hello, Mrs. Wilcox.

When did you get in, then?

Oh, we've just come in.

Oh, we got the ring.

-Do you like it? -Oh, yes, very pretty.

You ought to put down on furniture before you buys that.

Hello. Here I am.

Here, Dad, they've done and gone and paid out that ring.

You need a home before you get a ring.

Oh, well I didn't wanna have to wait for me ring.

You don't wanna wait for nothing, do ya?

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Well, all right then, Reggie, don't stand about there giggling.

-Get some cups out. -Oh, we ain't stopping for tea.

-We're going to Dot's house. -No, you just told me...

-No, we ain't stopping, Mom. -Oh...

-Come on then, Dot. Ta-da, Dad. -Bye.

Honest, that girl, dear.

-Why can't he ever shut a door? -I don't know.

Well, where are they gonna live?

-He don't earn much, does he? -I know.

He'll feel the pinch all right when he's got to keep her.

-Won't be so much money for his bike, will there? -Well...

Marriage. They don't even know the meaning of the word.

You try and stop 'em.

I hope your mom's gonna be out, Dot.

Ah, she's gonna play bingo.

Yeah, we'll play bingo and all.

Oh, suit me all right.

Let your own.

Do with the extra light.

-You're doing all right with your tea, then? -Yeah.

We'll go down the fish shop, Dot.

Hey, you should have heard Elmar Thomas.

"Don't rush into it," she said.

Yeah, she wouldn't mind a chance of rushing, eh, Mom?

Shan't be back till late tonight.

Oh, yeah?

We are going up to the bingo hall.

-Oh, bingo. -I see, I see.

Yeah, well, have a nice time then, Mom.

Cheeky little blighter. Come on, give us your fag.

Here, mom, they says I wasn't to wear me ring at school.

You can wear it if you want to.

Yeah, they're a load of nutcases at that place.

Don't forget the washing up tonight, will you, dear?

Oh, by the way, something come for you in open holiday camp.

It's in the kitchen. Those chalets look all right.

You'll be all right there, Reg.

Come on, let's go have a look.

Your mum can't wait to be on her own.

Here, have a look at these.

Yeah, let's find a chalet.

-Here, eh, look at the swimming pool, it's indoors. -Look, it's got double beds.

It's great.

"Luxuriously furnished chalets,

"with bathroom and toilet

"incorporated with every suit."

-Suite. -Oh, yeah.

Here, eh, look at the dancers, eh? Aren't they dressed posh?

Yeah, plenty of skirt here.

Oh, get roffed.

-Hey, look at the dining hall. -Oh, look at the chalets.

And look, they got everything, look, colored walls, bath.

And the old whatsit?

That's handy, innit?

Here we are, "Every mattress is guaranteed for 20 years."

Honey, it might last us a couple of weeks.

Yeah, this is great, we'll be all right here. Nobody to disturb us.

There's no one to disturb us here, either.

-You naughty girl. -(GIGGLES)

Come on.

( WEDDING MARCH BY WAGNER PLAYING ON CHURCH ORGAN)

Here they come!

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh! There's the photographer.

Now, we want a lovely picture, just stand right there.

When I say "one, two, three", say, "cheese".

One, two, three...

ALL: Cheese!

Oh, that was nice.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, look, here it comes!

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Did you see how Phil did?

-Get out of it, Arthur. -It only happens once, you might as well enjoy it.

Hey, that's a new fur.

It was good to come back, wasn't it?

After all, more money for booze.

Oh, you're tight.

She's tight, your mom. She's dead tight.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Here you are, darling.

DOT'S MOTHER: Oh, get there, please.

There we are, love.

Yeah that's right, er, 43 crutches going.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

What about the harp, eh?

They're here, Fred.

Start the music, Charlie.

Oh, Mom, look at the cake.

(ALL CLAMORING)

-Oh... -Doesn't she look lovely?

-Oh, it's beautiful. -Oh, I chose it for her.

-Go and sit down. -Can we sit down there? Watch it.

Oh, Mom, don't be fussed so.

-Come on, Gran. -Where's that cake?

Yeah, you can have a bit later darling, sit down now.

Now come on.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

Hello, fellows, how's it going?

-Me? I'll have a gin and orange. -Gin and orange!

Excuse me, dear, excuse me.

-Oh, dear, gin and orange? -No, I'll have a milk stout please.

He's a lovely boy, dear. What would you have, ma'am?

-Port and lemon. -Port and lemon.

Pint of bitter, please.

-You? -I'll have a Guinness.

Guinness, pint of bitter, port and lemon,

and a milk stout over here, then.

Hey, I better go see what Dot and Reggie want. Nobody's asked them yet.

Hello, Reggie boy, what are you having?

-Oh, I'll have a beer, Uncle Arthur. -Ah, beer makes you queer.

You don't want that on your wedding night. (LAUGHS)

-What are you having, Dot? -Oh, I'll have a whiskey.

Whiskey makes you frisky!

(ALL LAUGHING)

What about the eats, then?

Come on everybody, eat something, please.

Come on, girls.

-Here we are, then. -Thanks, Arthur.

You gonna cut the cake, then, Dot?

Should we do it now, then?

I don't know, I suppose so.

I can't remember when they done it at Carol's wedding, can you?

No.

Dot, come and cut the cake. (LAUGHS) Come on, then.

Hey, Mom, Dad! We're gonna cut the cake.

Come on, we're gonna cut the cake.

Imagine, they're gonna cut the cake.

Come on, Gran.

REGGIE'S MOTHER: Well, you stand there.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

You put your hand over hers, Reg.

I'll definitely make peace.

Push down.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

DOTS MOTHER: Ah, kiss her, Reg. Kiss her.

ALL: Aw!

I'm now gonna propose a toast to the happy couple.

And I hope you'll all join me

in hoping that all their troubles will be little ones.

(ALL LAUGHING)

* For they are jolly good fellows

* For they are jolly good fellows

* For they are jolly good fellows...

* And so say all of us And so say... *

Yeah, I'll tell ya, that's the hardest days' work I've ever done.

Will you be requiring this, madam?

Oh, no, not until the christening.

-You what? -Oh, well, you never know.

Come here, darling. It's legal now, you know?

Yeah, yeah, and it's freezing.

-Oh, you're lovely and warm. -Oh, get off.

Look, if you want to get there for your tea,

you'll have to finish the packing, won't ya?

Tea? There won't be time for tea once I get you in that chalet.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

Hey, you know, I can't believe we're spliced.

I mean, I feel just the same.

-Well, go on, say it. -Say what?

(GIGGLES) Mrs. Wilcox.

Mrs. Wilcox. That's my mom.

-No, it's me and all now. -Come on, dear.

-Are you ready? -I'm ready for you anytime, darling.

Oh, come on, you.

I mustn't forget me flowers. I forget to throw them.

-Have you got everything? -Yeah.

-Right. -Hey, where you going?

-On me honeymoon. Are you coming? -Cor, I don't know.

Hey, look at all those buildings, Reg.

Innit smashing?

-What, love? -I said, innit smashing?

Yeah, it's all right. Come on, let's have a look at the chalet.

-The what? -You heard.

Don't you ever stop?

Come on.

MAN: Fetch!

GIRL: Get out! Whoo-hoo!

Oh, Reggie, I wanna join in the game.

Yeah, you would. Come on.

-Hey, how about the dance hall, eh Dot? -Oh, look at them flowers.

Oh, I'm starving, Reggie.

Yeah, you would be.

Hey, we're not too late for tea, are we?

No, tea is served right through till 6:00. Dining room's over there.

-Oh, look at this. -It's only the walk.

Hey. Hey, Reggie, I want to go on the whirl-a-round.

-Yeah, you would. -Aw.

-Hey, look at those up top. -I wonder if our chalet's up top.

Yeah, it'd be a right giggle, wouldn't it?

I reckon we ought to stay in and have our grub sent round.

Oh, you would.

Yes, here we are. You'll find everything you like,

bathroom, toilet, the lot.

Hope you have a pleasant stay.

-Key. -Thanks very much.

-Ta, mate. -Cheers.

Glad we done it?

Yeah, of course.

At least we didn't have to get married.

Not like Carol and Stan.

Oh, I bet they're all counting the months.

Come on, give us a kiss.

WOMAN OVER PA: Hello, campers.

There's a dance at the Princess Ballroom at 7:30.

Now, don't forget, 7:30.

Hey, I better unpack my dress or we'll be late.

Oh, there's still time for that.

Bags of time.

-Hey, Reggie, I'm hungry. -What, again?

You know, I don't know why we come away.

Been here three days, haven't seen a thing yet.

Yeah, all right, love.

Oh, I'm gonna get some fresh air.

Ooh, it ain't half fresh out here, Reggie.

-Oh, come on out. -Nah.

I wanna go somewhere. I wanna do something.

We can't do nothing, it's raining, innit?

What do you mean you can't do nothing?

There's lots of stuff in the program.

Yeah, big giggle.

Well, what do you wanna keep stuck indoors for?

The whole point in coming here was so that we have things to do.

Seems to be only one thing that you wanna do.

If you must know, I've had enough.

Here, Reggie, why don't you go in for the Tarzan competition?

You're joking, ain't ya?

Here, bonnie babies.

-Next year, love. -Oh, no thanks.

Here, Eric Winstone's playing tonight.

-Oh, let's go, Reg. -Oh, big deal.

Oh, go on, Reg. I need to have me hair done.

-Nah... -Reggie.

-I don't like it black... -Please? Go on.

-Do you think it suits me? -I think it suits you perfectly, ma'am.

-I hope me husband likes it. -I'm sure he will.

-Oh, hello, Reggie. -What's happened?

What do you mean what's happened?

Just fancied a change, that's all.

-Don't you like it? -It's all right, but I don't get it.

Oh, come on.

Let's go and get dressed for the dance or we're gonna be late.

But why did you do it?

You know I always fancied it, me mom wouldn't let me.

But now I'm married she can't say nothing, can she?

-Yeah, but what about me? -What about you?

You said you liked it, didn't ya?

(BAND PLAYS ROMANTIC MUSIC)

Where are we going?

Come on, Dot, let's get out of here, I've had enough.

What do you wanna go for? I'm enjoying meself.

Yeah, I know. I've had enough.

May I have this dance?

Oh, you don't mind, do you?

Hey, you can sit there and watch.

(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Yeah, Reg, tell them the one about the policeman and the Scottishman.

-(LAID BACK MUSIC PLAYING) -We got to be going, look at the time.

-Oh, go on. -Oh, I'm not doing that.

Oh, well, I'll tell it then.

Well, there's this policeman and a Scottishman, you see.

Well, go on and get some more drinks.

Well, this policeman and this Scottishman...

Four lagers, mate, please.

And it all turned out (LAUGHS) that they're bagpipers!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, I know another one.

It's about this producer, his...(LAUGHS)

Hey, look, there was this chorus girl

you know, a shapely little bitch, she was.

(DOT SPEAKING IN THE DISTANCE)

(MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING )

(DOT GIGGLES)

(DOT HUMMING)

Hello, Reggie.

About time, innit?

What you been doing?

Ah, just been telling a few jokes, that's all.

What you been doing?

Oh, I've been having a giggle, ain't I?

Sitting here waiting for you.

What? You could have stayed with me.

I didn't give you the push.

Do you think I wanna stay down there with your friends telling dirty jokes?

They're not my friends.

I met them the same time as you.

Aren't your friends?

Do you mean to say you can sit there

and tell dirty jokes and they're not your friends?

What's the matter with you?

What do you mean what's the matter with me?

Are you drunk or something?

-No, smell. -Stop it.

Oh, you're spoiling the holiday.

We're not on our holiday, we're on our honeymoon, in case you forgot.

We don't have to live and die together, do we?

We seen more of each other before we was married.

Oh, didn't have so much opportunity, did ya?

I wasn't talking about that.

Oh, should have thought you would have been satisfied not having to wait

until your Gran went to bed so we could use the front room.

You know what I meant.

-You're spoiling the holiday. -It's you who's spoiling it.

What have I been doing different this week, then when we been away before.

We wasn't married then.

Oh, what's the difference? This?

Yeah, it is different.

Being married makes it different.

Well, if I've got to stop enjoying myself just because we got married,

I'm sorry we did.

We don't have so many holidays together.

I just wanted to make the most of it, that's all.

Look, I'm not saying we gotta do things together always,

I just thought we would this week, that's all.

Anyway, if you must know, I've just about had enough.

So have I.

I mean, just look at you.

What's the matter with me?

Just look at your bloody hair!

Yeah, oh, that reminds me of a joke about hair, you see,

there was this hairdresser and he used to wear a wig you see,

and his girlfriend, she didn't know he wore a wig.

Turned around, and it was very, very windy and he...(GIGGLES)

Spare a penny for the guys, please, miss.

Thanks.

-Oh, hello. -Oh, you're back, then?

-Where the hell you been? -I went up to the junction to the hairdressers.

Do you like it?

Well, look, it don't take all day, do it?

I'm hungry when I come home.

Well, why didn't you make yourself some tea, then?

I've been too busy, ain't I?

Oh, anyhow, it wasn't my fault.

They gone and done it the wrong shade.

They done it pink champagne instead of pink platinum.

The way we're carrying on,

you'd think we'd be married six years instead of six months.

Oh, I didn't know they were gonna be so long.

Why didn't you leave me something?

Oh, don't go on. I didn't know I was going meself.

Carol came and I went with her.

Oh, yesterday you was at the pictures.

Now, look, Dot, I'm hungry when I come home, I want something to eat.

I don't wanna have to start doing the housework, innit?

There wasn't a clean shirt, either.

You dirty them so quickly.

I can't go to the laundry every day, I was going tomorrow.

-You can't do nothing, can ya? -Oh, shut up!

When I come home from work, I want you here to get my grub and do me washing.

Why should I?

Why should ya? 'Cause you're my wife, that's why!

Now, look, I'm not gonna argue with you, but I'm telling you this.

If you're not here tomorrow night to get me something

I'll have to find someone who can.

I'm making your tea now.

What? Beans again?

Well, what's the matter with them?

You always eat 'em.

Beans! Beans! I'm not like a bean.

Got to eat something here. I can't live on here.

-Now where are you going? -Down to the caf.

I don't know why you don't move in there.

Well, at least the grub's a bit better down there, innit?

Ha! You're joking, of course.

Yeah, did you see me on Friday night, coming down here?

-I took on a Norton. You know Jack's Norton... -Yeah?

-I took it right up the bridge, didn't I? -Did ya?

-Yeah. -Do you know someone's been having me on again?

The whole world's full of liars. Well, it's true.

-Who is this guy? -Hey Nick,

-I think I saw you at the stateside. -We've got a nutcase here.

You know what they all told me?

That these things went out with the ark. You know that?

-Just got out, have ya? -That is true.

Columbus went over to America with something newer than that.

Hey, is he talking to me?

He's unbelievable. I love ya!

-Hey is that your Norton, mate? -That's my Norton.

-I paid the first deposit... -That's a danger to society, do you know that?

Ask any lawyer, I paid the first deposit, I promise ya.

The mo' was taken off the road 20 years ago.

-Do you know when I last saw you? -Where?

On the old cross race, down at Brighton. Do you remember that?

You a fast man, eh?

It has been known, you know.

You fancy yourself against this?

Against... Now look, I don't waste my time with kids...

Just a minute. Hold on. Hold on.

I've got racing pistons on this, you know.

-Have ya? -Yeah.

And what else you got?

-Eh? -I got a closed box.

And half a packet of Ronson flints.

-Don't tell me your story, don't give me that. -I'll tell you what?

I'll give you a short burn from here down the road. About a mile.

You wanna throw your money away? Okay.

You got your problem.

I'll see you down the road.

You see that picture on my back? That's all you're gonna see, man.

He's a nutcase.

He's a definite nutcase.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

-Hey, what happened to you, then? -(LAUGHS)

Well, you know how it is, I though I'd better give you a chance.

Hey, you coming out for a drink, then?

No, I ain't got much time now, mate.

Got to go round and see me gran. Me granddad's in in bed.

Oh, come on. You can go over there later.

Listen, I know the greatest place in the world for a drink.

The greatest place you've ever seen.

-Yeah? Where's that then? -Wait and see.

Follow me, and wait and see.

(WHOOPING)

PETE: Here we are.

Yeah. Ha-ha!

Here we go.

Hey, what's all this here, then?

-Eh? -What's all this here?

I told you. It's the corporation rubbish dump where I work.

We burn all the rubbish.

It's a great old place, innit?

Cor, it doesn't half stink, does it?

I come up here a lot at night time.

You know, watching the trains,

philosophizing and drinking beer.

-Oh, yeah? -Better than going to a boozer, I'll tell ya.

-I reckon you are a bit of a nutcase, Pete. -Why?

Well, you know, I want to sit down in the pub,

have a nice drop of beer, enjoy meself.

-You wanna sit up here. -It's better up here, innit, eh?

What did you bring them rockets for?

Well, it's Guy Fawkes night, man.

It's Guy Fawkes night next week, man.

No, look, man. I tell you, you gotta use your imagination.

If you want Guy Fawkes night to be tonight,

then Guy Fawkes night is tonight.

If you want Guy Fawkes night to be on Guy Fawkes night, then it's on Guy Fawkes night.

It's all in the mind, you know?

Okay. So I was brought up too properly.

Well, I wasn't brought up at all, mate.

I tell ya, I went to sea school, it's worse than borstal, that is.

-Much worse. -What did you do that for, then?

Well, my old lady and my old man got killed during an air raid.

-You know how it goes. -Yeah?

Yeah. Give us a swig of that beer, will you?

And watch these two go off.

Hey, hey, hey. I tell you, this is marvelous.

-You got any grandparents? -Eh?

Whoa!

Hey, hey! That's marvelous, innit, eh?

Hey, what about you? You got any family and all that?

-...three, two, one, zero. -Hey, watch this one. Watch this.

Werner von Braun ain't got sack for a job like that, I tell you.

Here, look. Ha-ha.

Oh, that's marvelous, innit?

Oh!

(WHOOPING)

-Hello. -All right?

Did you get something to eat?

Yes, thanks.

-Is everything all right, then? -Yeah, sure.

You was a long time at the caf.

I went to see Gran.

I was hoping you'd come home early tonight.

-Ah, she's in a bit of a state. -Oh.

You know, I've been reading some smashing stories since you've been out.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, listen to this.

"Phil, darling, I've been longing to be alone with you."

He says, (IN DEEP VOICE) "Have you, my fabulous she-cat?"

-That's daft, isn't it? -No, it's not daft.

(INDISTINCT)

-People don't talk like that in real life. -Yes, they do.

Hey, Reg. Here, look at this bird.

Hey, do you fancy her?

Yeah, she's all right.

Well, what about me?

REGGIE: Hey, what you got in your mouth?

Oh, it's chewing gum.

-I didn't' think you'd notice. -Come on.

(GIGGLES)

Hey, what's that on me back?

-Oh! -Oh, I was eatin' crisps.

Oh, Dot, for crying out loud.

Here, they've gone now.

(DOT GIGGLES)

This pillow's like a rock. What's the matter with this?

Hey! Move off that. It's me chocolates. You'll melt them.

Chocolates, chewing gum!

Where you going?

Cigarette.

I don't know what's the matter with you.

You ain't normal.

-Don't you want to anymore? -I'm sorry, Dot.

What have I done wrong?

-You was keen enough before we was married. -Yeah, I know.

Funny, innit, to change?

-I can't help it. -Well, it ain't funny for me. I'm going mad.

You don't even try. I ain't becoming a nun.

(RADIO PLAYING ROCK 'N' ROLL)

Reggie.

Hello, Mrs. Stanley, what's up?

He's gone, Reggie. Your gran wants you.

Oh, right, I'll come back with you.

I'll give you a lift on the bike.

No, thank you, Reggie, I'd rather walk.

-Mr. Stough? -Yes?

-My granddad's just died. -What is it?

-My granddad's just died. -Better go home, then.

Pity he couldn't wait for the weekend.

-See you tomorrow. -Okay, boy.

The house won't half feel empty without him.

We'll be back with the coffin in about an hour.

If you leave the front door open for me,

the old lady needn't know what's going on.

Better that way, less upsetting.

-No farewells, you know. -Yeah, okay.

Oh, er, one further word of advice.

You know he's got a brand new pair of pajamas on.

That seems rather a waste.

I mean, once we collect him, who's to know?

An old pair would do just as well.

Uh, look here, mate, if Gran put him in 'em, he's staying in 'em.

Yeah, very well, as you say. No, I'll see myself out.

-Mr. Lunnis gone? -Yeah.

-Want a cuppa? -No, thanks, love.

Well, then you better run along.

I don't want to spoil your evening.

You've been with me all day as it is.

Oh, I don't like leaving you on your own, Gran.

Oh, don't be silly. I've got to get used to being on me own, haven't I?

Now, go along, there's a good boy.

You've been wonderful, I don't know what I'd have done without you.

Now, God bless you, darling.

-Go on. -Are you sure you'll be all right?

Of course I'll be all right. Go on, hop it.

I'll tell you what, I'll ask Mrs. Stanley to come in, all right?

Okay, that'll be lovely. You do that.

-See you tomorrow, then. -Okay, ta-da.

See you then, love.

(SIGHS)

Look at the time. You said you was coming home straight after work.

For crying out loud, how did I know he was gonna die?

Now, come here!

-(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) -DOT: Oh, shut up.

Well, you could have let me know, couldn't ya?

I come up to me mum's at 5:00.

No, I left as soon as I could.

You don't know what goes on when somebody dies.

Anyway, I thought you said we was going to the pictures.

Oh, for crying out loud, me granddad kicked the bucket this afternoon!

I don't feel like sitting in the pictures.

Well I'd have gone with me mum this afternoon. You said this morning we'd be going.

-Hello, there, how's it going? -Hello, Bryan.

Now, look, you go to the pictures every day,

it wouldn't do no harm to give it a miss for once.

I don't go to the pictures every day, only twice a week.

-Yes, love? -Two teas, please.

And I'm not gonna sit in that stinking room all day.

All right, then get a job.

Then we'd have a bit more money towards getting a decent new flat.

I didn't marry to work. I married to have things easier.

Five pence, love. Five pence, sir, for two teas.

I tell ya, my mom was going out to work and done the housework and all.

You can't even keep one lousy room clean.

You ain't a proper wife.

You ain't a proper husband either, are you?

-What do you mean by that? -You know what I mean.

-Well, it ain't all my fault, is it? -It's not just that.

You're always up here, you never come home to me.

Always Gran or the caf, never me.

Oh, now don't go on about that.

Well, are we going up the pictures or not?

I told you once, I don't feel like it.

You don't feel like it? Well, I do!

-I'm going by myself. -All right! Ta-da, then!

Hey, man, she's too much.

(WHISTLES) Whoo!

Hey, what's the matter?

Oh, me granddad died today.

Oh, don't take it like that, mate.

Look, he had a good run for his money.

Here, Les and me have got an idea to put a smile on your face, don't we, Les?

-What's that? -A big burn-up to Edinburgh and back.

-How far is it, Les? -Oh, it's about 800 miles there and back.

-Yeah, it's great. -Everyone sticks a paper into the kitty

and the first one home grabs the lot. What do you think?

30 or 40 quid to the winner.

Yeah, that sounds smart, doesn't it?

I'd like to win that. Could do with the money.

-With your bike? (LAUGHS) -Yeah.

No, no, straight up. We give the laws a bit of the bad time

and if you pile your bike up,

you can come back down with a set of bagpipes, can't you?

-Yeah, sounds good. -Come over here, I'll tell you all about it.

Reg. Are you awake?

Reg!

Oh, turn it out.

You know, I've been to see a smashing film, Reg, you should have come.

It was all about naked people running round on an island.

-(MOANS) -Hundreds of them.

-Hey, have you seen my pajamas? -No.

It was called Return to Nature.

Yeah, there was a smashing girl in it.

-She had hair like mine. -Blimey.

And you that man from the Tarzan films?

Oi, you talking about me again? -(DOT GIGGLING)

Hey, you must go, Reg. It's on Friday.

Ah, you should have stayed down at the caf tonight, it was great.

Me and the fellas are planning a trip to Edinburgh and back.

-What for? -Endurance test for the bikes.

Oh.

Trouble is I think my bike's just about had it.

I'm thinking of swapping it in for a bigger one, a 650 or something.

Well, what's the matter with the one you've got at the moment?

Oh, she's all right. She's not big enough.

It seems stupid to getting a new bike just for a run.

I'll have to have it, though.

-Yeah, we'll have to cut down on luxuries, love. -Such as?

-Your hair, for a start. -Oh, like hell.

You always like it looking nice, don't you?

-Yeah. -Well, then?

I like it better the way it was before. Makes you look too old.

Well, other people like it.

All right, then. Have to cut down on our clothes.

Well, then, I'll just have to go around naked.

Here, imagine, Reg, just like all those people on the island.

Hundreds of little bodies running around naked. (GIGGLES)

-Oh, come on. -Okay, stop it.

Ah, what's the matter with you?

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Don't tickle me!

Don't tickle... Pack it in, I'm tired.

-Oh, please, Reg. -No, I'm tired.

Please. Please.

Oh, well, that's over. I must say, I thought it was very nicely done.

And ever such a nice gentleman, that one in charge.

-Oh, Mr. Lunnis? -Yes.

Spoke ever so nicely to me when he fetched us, didn't he, Dot?

Oh, yeah.

Nice girl you got yourself there, Reggie, looks very nice with that blond hair.

I think it's disgusting looking like that at a funeral.

Oh, go on, then. Don't kid us.

Okay.

Hey, Reggie boy, pass us one of them buns, I'm feeling a bit peckish.

REGGIE'S MOTHER: Have you thought what you're

gonna do now, Mother?

-What do you mean? -Well, you know perfectly well what I mean.

I mean about stopping here.

You can live on your own now, Mother, you know.

Dad wouldn't have wished it.

I'm stopping here. Where else should I go?

Well...

Well, there's a pretty nice home for old people down our way.

And we've all been thinking...

That makes a nice change?

Now, look, Mom, we can't come running over here every five minutes when you're ill.

Hey, you paid your stamps long enough.

You're entitled to be looked after.

I'll tell you what, I'm free Saturday.

I'll come down, we'll have a look at it together, all right?

-I shall be waiting to hear from you. -Yes, thanks for seeing us.

Be a long wait, won't it, Reg?

Well, I ain't going there, anyhow.

Oh, it's a smashing place, Mom, it's just like home.

But it ain't home.

Well, don't come to us when you can't manage on your pension

and don't say we haven't tried.

-I can look after myself, thank you. -You won't always be able to.

I don't want to live with a lot of old people.

I like to have young faces round me.

Oh, you're only thinking about yourself.

What are you gonna do if you're ill?

Now, look, don't you talk to her like that!

Now, look, Gran, if the worse comes to the worse,

-we'll come and live with you, love. -Oh, no, we won't!

Now, look, I'm not gonna argue with you!

Don't have a row right in front of the joint or they'll never ever...

-Oh, where's that bloody taxi? -Now, don't worry, Gran.

I told you, Reggie, I'm not coming here.

It's a shabby little house and I wouldn't fancy living in it.

Anyway, what's the matter with the old folks' home?

There's plenty of people there for company. It's very nice.

And she's dead right, you know, Mom.

Look at that lovely, cozy, little place and look at this horrible dump.

There's no comparison.

Ah, change your mind, Mom, you're coming between the young people now.

Don't you call my home a dump, Arthur.

I've got my memories here and I'm stopping here, see?

I'm not coming between nobody.

I never asked anyone to come and live with me, did I, Reg?

All right, love.

Now, look, you two, let's get this straight, shall we, eh?

Now, look, Gran can't stay here on her own now, can she?

Dot, will you listen to me for a minute and stop fancying yourself?

Give me that bleeding comb!

Now look what you've done!

-I'm not staying! -Come here!

Now, listen to me! I'm gonna tell you for the last time!

(SHOUTS) Will you listen?

Now, look.

We're not giving up very much now, are we?

Except one lousy room, we might as well be here with Gran.

Well, I'm not answering to her everything I do!

If I go in it with anyone it'll be me own mom.

Your mom? That's a laugh, that, isn't it?

You're a pair, you are.

She couldn't wait to get rid of you.

-I'll bloody kill you... -I'm telling you!

-Oh, I'm not arguing with you anymore! -Come here!

Cow.

Now, go on, Reggie. Go and have a word with her. Make her...

Now, look, you, don't push me!

-I'm not pushing you. -I'm telling ya.

I'm staying here and that's it.

(HONKING)

Here, what time do you call this, then?

Anyone would think I had me bathers on out here. It's pouring down.

Oh, shut up. I had a bit of bubble, didn't I?

-Yeah? -Do you good to take a bath.

You're joking. How'd everything go? All right?

-No, not too good. -Well, come on, get that bleeding door open.

I'll have wet feet in a minute.

Oh, getting old.

-It's not a bad old place you got here. -Yeah, we got all the gear.

So this is where you spend your nights making the spares for the bike.

You're joking.

Yeah, I'll beat you straight now.

Yeah, I could've used that, I tell ya.

Yeah, I could of used a set of them and all, to keep the gears dry.

Very handy.

Hey, man, why don't you get yourself the black leather stripes, you know.

-I had some, didn't I? -Yeah?

-Yeah, got 'em mucked up last time I hit the road. -Hell.

-I got bike right on top of me. -Yeah?

-Try and get yourself another pair. -I can't afford it.

I'm gonna get new tires for the run.

Not like a uniform, really, innit?

-There you go. (SIGHS) -Throwing off great, though, innit?

Doing the turn down the M1 with all the gear on, eh?

-Yeah, makes you feel real good, don't it? -Yeah.

Don't half scare 'em and all.

-Yeah, especially the old dears, eh? -Yeah.

Here, whatever happened to this tire.

You know, I must have lost half a pound of rubber on that road there.

Yeah, and it wouldn't last long on a burn-up.

I can get them cheap working here.

I don't need them cheap, mate.

I don't have a wife to support.

Hey, give us a fag, will ya?

-Here. -You sure it's gonna be all right?

Yeah, of course.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

-Gran? -Hello, Reg.

I've got my mate with me. Can I come in?

Oh, yes. that's all right, but he'll have to excuse me.

-Come in. -All right.

-Gran, this is Pete. -Hello, Pete.

Hey, you're not his granny. What are you talking about?

-You couldn't be a granny, you're too young. -(GRAN LAUGHS)

Hey, is that your picture up there, darling?

Oh, I bet you was a proper little darling when you was a little darling.

-He's a nutcase. -Oh, thank you.

Now, look, Gran. You know how Dot's bound to get the needle

if I stop here for more than a couple of nights.

Well, look, seeing as Pete ain't got a roof over his head,

I thought he could have the room and be a bit of company for you.

Would you pay me instead?

Oh, sure, I'll subsidize the old pension.

I'm a lovely tenant, I make a great cup of tea

and I always wash me feet, all right?

Yeah, do it proper, Gran.

That'll be nice, Pete. Thanks very much.

So we're in business, then. All right, then. Here you go. Here.

And don't you do anything I wouldn't do.

Are you stopping tonight?

Stopping? I haven't started yet. What are you talking about?

He's all right, love, he's always like that.

It's what becomes of being insane.

-Ta-da, love. Good night. -Ta-da, love.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

-Hey, it's a nice old gaff, innit, eh? -Yeah, do you like it?

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, you'll laugh in here, Pete. Do as you like.

As long as you don't want your feet on the curtains.

Your granny's a nice old lady, though, isn't she?

-Yeah. -Sitting down there

all dressed up like a wedding cake.

-Ah, she's one of the greatest is Gran. -Yeah.

I'm glad you like her, Pete.

-She's had a rough time of it lately. -Yeah?

I don't know why Dot can't get on with her, though.

Well, I'll tell ya, I'll bring me gear over tomorrow morning.

Great.

Hey, will your landlady make you pay the whole week, then?

Well, that's her problem, innit? I mean, she gave me the boot, didn't she?

-Yeah. -There you go.

Dear Charles Atlas, I've completed the course, now please send the muscles.

Well, you'll be all right for the baby competitions, won't ya?

What, with a face like mine, I'll win 'em all, I tell ya.

Hey, I got an idea. It's Sunday tomorrow.

Why don't we take the bikes down the coast, then?

Yeah, I wish I could.

I always go out to Dot's mum on a Sunday for dinner.

Well, you can miss it for a change, couldn't ya?

I'm telling you, you got to keep on at it. Gotta play hard to get.

I'm in enough trouble as it is, ain't I?

I mean, I'm still married to her, I can't just do as I want.

Oh, I suppose. Having a bit of trouble getting me skin off.

You're like a lizard.

Yeah, it's a great old room, though, innit?

-Yeah, great old chalet. -Quiet.

-Yeah, I've lived in some rough places, I tell ya. -Yeah?

Yeah, I had a place outside Liverpool once.

It was so close to the railway and I knew the inspector,

he used to come to the door at midnight collecting the tickets.

Yeah, and I used to stick me socks out of the window,

the train'd come belting past and nick me socks

and sling the Irish mail in through the other.

And you should have seen some of those letters.

(IN IRISH ACCENT) "Dear Father Murphy,

"I've been a desperate good girl."

-Yeah. Yeah. -Shit.

Hey, I got it.

That's what happens when you hang your socks on the wrong line.

Yeah.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children she didn't know what to do.

There was no woman who lived in a boot.

She had not children at all. She knew what to do.

Shut up. You're a nutcase, you know that?

Come on, let's get some kit.

-Hey, Reggie. -What?

Dot's mom... What does she cook for Sunday dinner?

Oh, the usual.

Lamb, boiled potatoes, greens, bread and butter pudding.

-Cor, it's enough to turn your guts over. -(LAUGHS)

-Ah, she's all right. She can't cook, though. -Yeah.

I'll be eating frankfurters and onions. Plenty of tomato ketchup.

Chips with lots of vinegar.

Few cockles and muscles.

Jellied eels, Coca-Cola,

beer, the old jukebox, lollipops, all the lot.

Shut up!

Look, if we wanna go down the coast, we got to get some kit, don't we?

-Yeah? -Yeah, great.

I tell ya, it'll be good to miss one of her dinners.

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINES REVVING)

(HONKS)

-Well, it's all happening at the seaside, then. -Yeah.

Forget what it looks like the old sea, don't ya?

Not if you've been two years in the merchant service, you don't.

I only had one holiday when I was a kid.

Hey, Pete, look at these two birds here.

Come on, let's chat 'em up.

That's not bad, is it, eh?

Here, these two blokes have been following us.

-June, don't look round. (BOTH GIGGLE)

Here, they're all right.

Oh, they're terrible, we can do better than that.

Come on, let's cut out of here.

Oh, listen to this.

-I've got a "happy month ahead with romance." -All right.

Yeah, I'm gonna pull those two birds.

Here. I've got another six misses, have you got one, Brenda?

-No, I used all mine on my last go, I think. -Oh.

JUNE: Maybe I've got one in the bottom of my pocket.

I've only got pennies.

Hey, er, Pete, you got a tenner on you, mate?

Yeah.

Looks like you're going, innit?

Come on.

Here, it's got your name on it, George.

-Here, have this one on us. -Oh, ta.

Looks like a load of old skittles to me.

Well, then. Do you come here often?

-That's a bit old, innit? -Yeah.

It might be old, but it's better than nothing, innit?

You should be on the olds, you should be.

-He's a geezer. -Yeah...

-Are you down here on a holiday, then? -Yeah.

-Yeah, we are. -Yeah.

You staying with your mom?

-No, we're on our own, aren't we, Brenda? -Yeah, we're on our own.

Hey, Pete, these, these birds are on their own here.

Oh, good, good.

Well, that's it, then, innit?

You haven't got another tenner on you, have you, Pete?

Yeah, that's right, I haven't got another tenner on me.

Oh.

-He's a card, isn't he? -Yeah.

Well, let's have a cup of tea, then, shall we?

-Shall we? -Come on.

-All right. -Come on.

Hey, Pete, we're gonna have a cup of tea.

Oh, yeah? Well, lucky old us.

JUNE: Hey, which one do you like? BRENDA: Neither.

Here, let's sit here.

Hey, bloody right.

-Right, what's it gonna be, then, girls? -There you go.

-Move over. -Nice fellow, isn't he?

Come on, teas?

No, no, no, come on, let the ladies pay.

-Don't you know your manners? -Don't be ridiculous.

-You haven't got any manners? -No, I haven't.

Er, bacon sandwich and a cup of slosh, then?

-Anything else? -Yeah, 10 tip Woodbines.

-We don't want much. -Come on.

You're a case, you are. Why do want to do that for?

That's all right. They got the gold, don't knock it.

Come on, then, Pete. What are we gonna do? Eh?

Come on, let's have a gig with these two birds.

-Hey, my hair look all right? -Yes, it looks lovely.

All that rain.

-Oh, there you go. -They didn't have no fags.

(MIMICKING BRENDA) Oh, didn't they, hey?

-Anyway, here's your tea and your sandwich is doing. -Doing what?

-Cooking. -Oh, my luck.

-Yeah, something happened to that pig, didn't it? -(BOTH GIGGLE)

Come on, then, what we gonna do, then?

What can you do?

Well, let's go down the pier and buy some dirty postcards.

Who are you gonna send them to, eh?

I'll send them to your grandmother,

that's where you send dirty postcards.

Just like...

Ah, don't muck up that.

-Let's go down and see the sea. -What for?

That's what we come here for, see the water, have a giggle.

We've only just bought the tea, ain't we?

Wait a minute.

You saw us, didn't you, eh?

-Can I see a dime? -We're not made of money.

What color are you made of?

-Oh, yes. -Well.

Come on, Pete. Don't muck about.

Come on, don't let's waste time. Let's go down the beach.

-Better got a can in this place, I'll tell ya. -All right.

Shut up. Come on, girls.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

REGGIE: Here, hey, I'll tell you what. BRENDA: What?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Ready, get set, go!

REGGIE: Hey!

Come on!

PETE: I'm gonna get away from ya.

Go on, you're getting old. Get your feet up.

Pete, what do you think you're doing?

Hey, what's up with you, why were you running away?

Hey, it's all happening, you know, it's all a race.

Yes, it's all happening. We're losing those two birds, aren't we?

Oh, they're a failure anyway.

-Ah, I don't get it. -I don't know what's the matter with you.

Look, the sun's shining, the fish are swimming, the birds are flying.

-You know, and it's all happening. -Yeah, yeah, big giggle.

Sitting here, looking at a bleedin' walk and the pebbles on the beach.

Well, what's the matter with that, man?

You know, the world and its brother do it at Blackpool every day.

That's the sea.

You're too much.

Oh, come on, Pete. Look, they're looking for us.

I don't understand you, straight up.

You just got yourself unlumbered with Dot,

now you wanna get yourself lumbered again. You're too much!

Look at that sun.

Send it down, Lord, and make me brown like the Australians,

but don't burn me.

(BELLS CHIMING)

MAN ON RADIO: So I said to her, Winterbottom or not,

you'll have two blankets like all the rest. (LAUGHS)

-Hi, Mom. -Shh, shh.

...she was only a butcher's daughter,

but she hadn't a pound of rum. (LAUGHS)

Oh, well, I must be leaving you now. My wife's waiting outside.

MAN2 on RADIO: That's the lady in the bubble car.

It was a Rolls-Royce when we started.

Reggie won't be up today, Mom.

Oh, now you made me miss the joke.

Ah, you will open your mouth too soon, won't you, love?

Here, take these in.

(MUMBLES)

All right, sit down, dinner's ready.

-I'm on me own today, Mom. -Oh.

Where is Reggie, then? With his friend?

I don't know.

Pity. Lovely lad.

There, there.

I'm not hungry.

Since when? You've had nothing but buns and chips all week.

He's moved out. He's living with his gran.

He's got another girl. Has he got another girl?

I don't think so. I'd know, wouldn't I?

What's wrong with you two?

Here, you have been giving him when he wants, haven't you?

It's not him who wants. He won't come near me.

Oh, I think he's got another girl if he's like that.

What have I done wrong? That's what I wanna know, but he won't tell me.

Just because I won't go and live with that old cow. Why should I?

Ah, come on, Dot, eat a bit. Oh, that's a lovely piece there.

I don't want anything, I'm not hungry.

You are in a bad way, aren't you?

Well, put it in the oven, we don't want any waste.

I'll give it to my lodger later on.

-Do you want Reggie back? -Well, of course I do.

You'll have to, 'cause you can't stay here.

If you've lost him, you're gonna have to get a job.

I divvied up everything on your wedding. It's the last you're getting out of me.

Oh, Mom, what am I gonna do?

Oh, for goodness sake, cheer up.

That's marriage, everyone has their ups and downs.

It's a pity that you ain't having a baby.

He'd come home then.

Yeah, I could tell him I was, then he'd have to come back, wouldn't he?

Oh, for goodness sake, have something to eat!

I can't stand eating alone! You know, it's not very nice.

He'd know, though, wouldn't he?

-Not unless you told him. -Yeah, what's he gonna say when I don't have it?

You lost it. That's all. You just lost it.

He's at work all day, isn't he?

He doesn't know what's going on.

Tell him the doctor's been.

And you lost it through worry.

He'll never know.

Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll do that, Mom.

-He can't move out just when he wants, he married me! -That's right.

Glad you came to me, Dot. That's what mum's are for, you know, to help. Hmm.

(REGGIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Come on, boys! We can't stop playing the bad boys now.

-GRAN: Reg, Pete, is that you, boys? -Shh, shh.

Oh, darling, it's not the boys at all.

It's Roger the lodger, your old mate,

-coming to get you, you wicked woman! -Oh, no!

-There you go, love. Hey, look what we got ya. -Oh, they're lovely.

-All the way from seaside. -Are those all for me?

Don't eat it all at once.

Oh, have you been drinking?

Drinking? Half a bag of the wine gums and he's a dead loss, darling.

Oh, no, come on. Well, you go on up to bed.

Here, give us a kiss till Friday.

-There you go. -God bless you, love.

Hey, and listen. Behave yourself in there.

You be good. Goodnight.

Here we are on a terrace, very gay, counting on.

Well, shift up in the bed, then.

-Hey, that's flat. -Yeah, flat as a proverbial.

Hey, come on, I'll be a teetotaler by the time you got this poured out.

REGGIE: What a time we've had today, eh?

PETE: Yeah, it was great, wasn't it?

Boy, she's clipped out, Pete.

You left me stranded.

I tell you, I'll be glad to get a bigger bike.

Hey, there's Dot inside with that fella.

PETE: Small world.

-Come on, Pete, I want to have a word with her. -What for?

Well, you know, I said I was only gonna be away a couple of nights.

I thought you was gonna play it cool.

I thought you was gonna wait until she come to you.

Oh, come on.

It's your life, I suppose.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

-Hello, Reggie. -Hello.

Come on, then, Dot, if we're going to pictures, let's go.

Ah, no, Bryan, I don't feel like going to the pictures.

-What have you been doing? -We've been having a ball.

-I wasn't talking to you. -Pardon me.

-Yeah, well, maybe Reggie will sort this one out. -Yeah.

Where you been?

I've been at Gran's, ain't I?

-Why didn't you come round and see me? -Come on, Dot, let's go.

No, I don't feel like it.

When are you coming back?

Maybe he doesn't wanna come back.

Come on, Dot, let's go.

Well, look, hold on a minute, will ya, fella?

I asked you a question.

Well, I dunno, Dot, I just...

Well, I'll tell you something, it better be within the next nine months.

PETE: Oh, no, not that old gag. REGGIE: What do you mean?

I'm gonna have a baby.

What? Well, it ain't my baby.

Don't look at me like that, mate, it's not mine.

Now, look, fella, what do you take me for?

-Look, you keep Bryan out... -What do you take me for?

-Now, look, I'm telling you... -And I'm telling you!

(BRYAN GRUNTING)

I reckon you and me are finished, Dot.

Don't expect me home 'cause I won't be coming.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC CONTINUES)

Here you are, mate, brought you a nice cup of tea, it'll cheer you up a bit.

Hey, come on, mate, it's not the end of the world, you know.

Here, I'll tell you one thing, there's more people in this country

get divorced than get married and that's a fact.

Hey, you know, Reggie, I like the way you handled yourself tonight.

Don't let anyone mess you about, do ya?

Hey, straight in with the old one-two, marvelous.

-It's a waste of time, innit? -What's a waste of time?

All this fighting, having punch-ups.

I don't know. I'd sooner see a bloke look after himself

then sit around and let it all happen.

Hey, did you clean your teeth tonight?

You need looking after, you do, I tell you straight.

I'll go and turn a nice hot bath for you,

it'll cheer you up a bit, all right?

-I suppose it had to happen sometime, though. -What?

(TURNS ON WATER)

-Suppose it had to happen sometime. -What?

Me and Dot.

It was bound to happen, wasn't it? Yeah, I got an idea.

I've got a great old bit of bath salts over here.

This London's water very hard, you know, and it'll do you much more good.

What's gonna happen between me and Dot, Pete?

What's the matter, mate?

Do you want to tell us about it?

What's it all gonna come to?

Now, all I wanna be is a normal married guy.

Everything I do goes wrong.

You know, I mean, I've tried everything.

But it just don't work. Every time me and Dot get together,

we just end up having a row.

Yeah.

You know, we can't even sit down and have a talk like this.

It just don't work.

Now, this baby. Is it yours?

I don't see how it can be.

(CHUCKLES) Well, there you are, then.

Anyway, how d'you know she's gonna have a baby in the first place?

Skinny little girl like that, you could see it a mile off, I tell ya.

She is my wife, Pete. Suppose she is having my kid?

I mean, I am responsible to her, aren't I?

Look, mate, every time you and Dot get together, there's a load of bother.

You're wasting your time, I tell ya.

I don't know.

I tell ya, mate, don't you ever get married.

Well, no, if I find the right woman, I might.

* Me baby is a strong tan off the ladder

* Me baby is a strong tan off the lad

* The poor little thing -Shut up, boy.

* Was so tiny and thin...

* -Grow up! Barfed in a... *

-Hey, you're only jealous 'cause you can't sing. -Yeah.

Here, what... What's the matter with you?

(ENGINE REVVING)

Let me have a go. Come on.

-Come on. She's great as a pile of... -Yeah.

Here we go, then. Now, belt it!

Hey, hell, That's a new engine, you know.

-All right. -Blimey. I'm not in yet.

(DOT KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-Come in, Dot. -Hello, Gran.

-Reg is out. -Oh, I didn't come to see Reggie.

-Oh, want a cup of tea? -No, thanks.

-What is it? -I'm gonna have a baby.

I know, Reg told me.

Whose baby is it?

Whose is it? Oh, like that!

It's Reggie's, of course, who do you think?

-That's not what he said. -Well, he's a liar.

Now, look, it's no use talking to me about it, Dot, you better talk to Reg.

Talk to him? That's a laugh. You've seen us.

Every time we try and talk, we end up having a punch-up.

-He ought to come back. -Ought to?

For the baby's sake.

Can't you tell him and all?

You know as well as I do, Reg has got a mind of his own.

Well, what am I supposed to do about it?

Well, you could come here if there was room.

Well, there's room for two upstairs, isn't there?

There's two upstairs already.

Two? Who's he living with, then?

What, didn't you know?

I knew he had a girl.

I knew he kept meeting a girl.

No, it ain't a girl.

-He's got his mate up there. -I don't believe ya!

-Well, it's true! -I'm gonna see it for myself!

Hey, you know, this Edinburgh business,

it's not so much a race as a sort of endurance test.

And what we wanna do, we wanna team up.

See, me with mine and you with this. Eh?

And then we go rock steady right through and we don't stop for nothing, eh?

When she's running she'll do well over a ton, leave 'em standing.

Yeah, mate, we can't lose, I tell ya.

Hey, and when we win, we split the prize money down the middle,

Thirty or 40 quid, eh?

Then we get a train and all that down to Dover.

Have a little dance in the south of France.

(SCATTING)

-Don't take your coat off, you're not stopping. -Well, what are you doing?

-Going out with the bike for a run. -That's right.

-Who's bike? -His.

Oh, it's me new one, innit?

Your bike? How can you afford a new bike?

Well, you know, I've traded the old one in for the deposit.

Yeah, that's right, £4 a week for two years and it's his.

£4 a week? And where's the money for the baby?

-What baby? -My baby!

PETE: Your baby? Grimm's fairy stories...

When I talk to the kettle I don't expect the pot to answer!

Don't let's start having a row, Dot.

You know, I mean, we've had all this out, haven't we?

We haven't had it out, that's why I'm here.

Look, love, what's the good about of going on about it, eh?

I mean, you know, why don't you have a talk with your boyfriend about it.

Well, what's he got to do with it? He wasn't there at the time!

No, that's right, the baby was found on your doorstep,

wrapped up in a bit of old newspaper.

-Oh, don't go... -Oh, shut up!

Ah, get out! You look like a bunch of dead roses!

-Oh... -Go on! Get out! Leave the men to men's business!

Men?

You look like a couple of queers.

That's it then.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hi, Reggie.

You know, I've just been thinking,

it's about time you and I cut out of this place.

There's a boat going to New York in a couple of weeks,

I'll have no trouble getting you a ticket down the union.

Like to go to New York? It's great.

Do you know, they got 13 channels of television there?

And the bars don't close till 4:00 in the morning.

What do you think?

You're a funny bloke, Pete.

Why?

Ah, one minute you say you've had enough of going to sea, innit?

Now you wanna go off to America!

Well, we're having a good time here together, ain't we?

Yeah, but every time we start enjoying ourselves, Dot puts a spoke in.

Well, it never bothered you before, did it?

That's not the same now, is it?

There's too much yakking going on.

Ah, don't take any notice of what Dot said.

I tell you, she had me worried for a minute though.

Mmm, what about?

Ah, about what she said, you know, about you and me.

What're you trying to say, Reggie?

Uh, look, Pete...

-You've been a real good friend to me. -Yeah, I know.

No, you really have.

I mean, you're the best friend I've ever had.

(SCOFFS) It's ridiculous.

Innit?

Where you going?

I'm going to get a refill for my lip stain.

(CHUCKLES) Don't be a nutcase!

I only asked, didn't I?

Hey, I don't need you being a nutcase. The world is full of nutcases.

-And you're the biggest nutcase of the lot! -You're a bigger nutcase!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

-Hey, you hoping to win on that thing, mate? -Yeah.

-You ain't got a chance. -Ah, get out of here!

-Lovely weather, innit? -Yeah, we'll win the race

-with a little bit of team work. -We'll see you there!

Stand by your bikes! Here, come on.

We'll see 'em in Edinburgh, won't we, Pete?

-I don't know, eh? -We'll see him down there.

That'll put a bit of wind up their kilts.

-Two teas when we get there, Frank. -Go on then, mate.

Hey, Pete. That's Dot, innit?

Well, who do you think it is, Mother Hubbard?

Here, what's she done with her hair?

What do ya think she's done? She's had it changed, hasn't she?

Forget it.

Here, lads, here's your postcards, I suppose you'll need one.

-Anyway, buddy, you're not gonna make it. -Yeah, come off it.

Well, it must be about time to go then.

I'll see you man, okay?

All right everybody, follow me over here!

Come on!

Make a line across here, I've got somethin' for ya.

-Is everyone ready then? -ALL: Yeah!

Right!

Right, I've got some postcards here.

Tom, Jim, come and help me give 'em out.

You gotta post 'em at Edinburgh Castle.

That'll make sure you got there.

Put stamps on it, cause I paid for 'em.

He's dead generous, you know. It's only Frank Sinatra, innit?

(INDISTINCT)

Remember, it's up to Edinburgh and back.

Okay? First one back here cops the kitty, all right?

ALL: Yeah!

Eat and refuel as you go.

And watch out for the old law, won't ya?

When I drop my hand, race to the bikes.

Okay? Good luck, all right?

Right!

(ENGINES REVVING)

-Cor! -Oh, it's tea hour, isn't it?

I'm glad I got me long winter coms on.

-Let's have some tea, then. -Two teas, mate.

Hey, it was great going through that tunnel. Vroom!

Well, where'd you get to? I wasn't even in gear there. I couldn't see ya.

-How's it running? -Marvelous! She's settling down now.

-How're you going? -Going like a bomb, innit?

I tell you, when it comes time to open them up,

we'll have it made. Simple!

Dear, oh, dear, that lorry must've missed them after all.

Pity.

-What do you want, tea or coffee? -Uh, tea, please.

-Somethin' to eat? -No, thanks.

Two teas, please, love.

-Hello, there. -Hello.

-How's it going? -Oh, it's all right.

-Cold up here, innit? -Yeah.

I see you changed the old hair then.

I hardly knew ya.

Eh, you're a one, ain't you, eh?

Hey, you wanna watch yourself, you know, love, the old bike.

If you're having a...

There's no baby.

Hey, Reggie, come on, it's getting late!

We're supposed to be winning this thing, give us your cup.

Here, catch that, will ya?

Here we go then.

(HUMMING)

(ENGINES START)

I had horseshoes, though, didn't I?

-Have you got the coffee? -No, I don't want to have coffee.

-He's a joker, ain't he? -Yeah.

-Have you got the coffee? -Yeah, I have.

You have? Great! Reggie!

Quick, that way!

Hey fellows, come on after him!

Yee-ha-ha!

Come on!

(LAUGHING)

Cheers!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Whose side are you on? You're killing me!

-Get out of it! -(LAUGHING)

(ENGINES ROARING)

(ENGINES ROARING)

What's up, mate? Your elastic band gone, has it?

-Very funny. -Yeah, what's the matter?

Ah, I've got a partial seizure.

Hey, you better get that seen to.

How long do you reckon it'd take me to fix it?

I don't know, I hope you got enough stamps on your card,

because you'll be drawing the old age pension

by the time you get back to the Ace.

-Ah, ain't worth many that, mate. That's finished. -Who's asking you?

I'm tellin' ya! That's a waste of time.

(GRUMBLES)

Hey, what're you gonna do, love?

Oh, I suppose I'll wait here till it's fixed.

What? That'll take all night, that will!

Ah, you'd better come on the back with me.

Come on, I won't hurt ya.

What do ya mean? I could do it in 30 seconds with me eyes closed!

You all right, bird? You're supposed to be with me!

That's finished, mate, you'd better get a new one. -Now, what's the matter?

What's the matter? You know, I mean she's gonna slow you up.

No, it won't! I can take six people on it.

I thought we were supposed to be having a race?

We are! What's the matter with ya?

-Come on! -God!

A couple of aspirins in the petrol you'll be away, mate, all right?

See you then, fella!

Don't worry, mate, I'll still be there before ya!

Nah, you'll still be here!

-Wanna bet? -Next year!

(ENGINE STARTS)

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

Come on, mate, it's time we were moving.

Yeah, let's have our tea and leave.

Hey, we're supposed to be burning it up, ain't we?

Yeah, well, you know, let Dot finish her tea. I'll be with you in a minute.

Oh, Reggie! Look, we got a good chance of winning, what's the matter with ya?

I'll catch up easy. I'll see you in a couple of minutes, all right?

All right, see you down the Ace.

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

-Whoa, still a bit parky, innit? -Yeah.

Hey, I reckon we must be miles behind, you know?

You know, I mean, I've got some time to make up.

I suppose we ought to be going, eh?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Ah, let's stretch the old legs out, shall we?

Cor. And I'm stiff, ain't you?

-Hey, I bet it's nice up here in the summer. -Yeah, right.

Hey, I could do with an ice cream.

All right, what about this one here?

-Yahoo! -Come on, I got your ice!

Come here!

Hey, I mean, don't you want it?

Hey, grab hold of that there.

Yum, yum, yum!

-Give us a bit, then! -No, it's all mine!

Oh, it's a right old laugh up here, innit?

It's a bit cold. Wouldn't like to live here.

Hey, I'll say, let's do a scrambles down here and up the other side, eh?

Ooh, no thanks.

-Yay, you got a dirty nose! -Well, take a look at your own!

(SIGHS)

I like your hair like that, you know.

What'd you have it changed for?

-Well, you said you liked it like this. -Yeah, I do.

Well, that's why I changed it.

-What? For me? -Well, who else?

Get out of here!

-You're a naughty girl though, ain't you, eh? -Why?

Pretending you was havin' a kid.

-What'd you say that for? -Well, I thought that...

(GIGGLES)

Oh, you know.

I'll tell you, you had me worried for a bit.

Beginning to get gray hair!

Hey, imagine me with a great big, gray, long beard.

We're a right old pair, ain't we, eh?

-Hey, you know something? -What?

-We ain't got a chance of winning that race. -Oh, I know.

-Tell you what, though. -What?

I couldn't give a damn.

(MOTORCYCLES ZOOMING BY)

(CHEERING)

Hey, Reggie, what time do you call this then, eh?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

-Who won, then? -Your team by miles.

Hey, how'd you get on it?

I didn't have the chance of an ice cream in purgatory, did I?

Hey, come on, Noddy's got his money,

we're going down the boozer to get some Scotch down his throat.

Come on, it's opening time.

Don't hang about. You know, all the fellas are going down there, touch of the teamwork.

It's great old teamwork, innit? Getting Scotch down your neck, eh?

Can't do you any harm, can it?

Hey, now, don't look back, she'll turn into a pillar of salt, I tell ya.

Now, come on. Hey it's a bit more right. spending Noddy's money.

-Oh, it's great to be home. -What a lousy time to close a pub!

-Half past 10. -Are you still on about it?

Man, if we were in New York now we'd be drinking till 4:00 in the morning!

We ain't in New York. You've had enough. Come on.

Aye, Reggie.

We ought to get a boat to America, the two of us, eh?

I'll tell you what, I'll borrow us a canoe, we'll go there tomorrow.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, that one's dead funny, that one.

When you went into that skid in the roundabout,

and nearly knocked Dot off the pillion straight into a brick wall.

Really charming, innit? You're a friend, ain't ya?

(SIGHS)

Whoa, my legs!

What legs?

Where's my bunk?

Straight through the bulwarks. First right by the boatswain's office to the sharp end.

You certainly are in a right old state, ain't ya?

Eh?

(SIGHS)

-Hey, Reggie... -Huh?

If we had stuck together we could've won dead easy, you know that?

Ah, don't worry about it. We had a great time, didn't we?

We should've won. We should've stuck together.

Get a boat to America.

There'll be plenty of more times for burn-ups.

Oh, it's been a great weekend, Pete.

'Cause that's the first time in ages that me and Dot

have been able to sit down and have a talk without having a row.

What do you think of that, Pete?

Pete?

Come on, mate.

Well, you are a fine fellow, ain't ya. Eh?

(STRIKES MATCH)

Ooh!

Oh, man.

-Hi, Pete. -Hi.

-How do you feel? -Great.

-Well, you look pretty rough. -No, I feel great.

Hey, what're you doing?

Oh, packing me case.

Yeah, I can see that.

Going someplace?

Uh, just gonna see how Dot's getting on.

When did you think of that?

Last night.

I've been sitting up all night thinking about it.

Well, you know, Dot and me on the trip, and I...

I thought maybe we had something. Maybe we'd get together again.

So I thought maybe I should go home.

Well, what do you call this place?

Well, it ain't home, is it?

I mean, you know, it's only temporary.

-What about me? -What do you mean?

I haven't got any home. I haven't got any old mother to go running to.

Well, I ain't going home to me mom, Pete, I'm going home to the wife.

Why?

She's me wife, that's why.

You know, that's what you get married for, innit? To be together.

We've been happy enough together, haven't we?

Yeah, sure we have, Pete.

We had a good time on the bikes and that?

-Yeah, I know, Pete... -Big burn-up and all that?

-Yeah, sure, I know, but... -You can talk to me.

You said yourself that you couldn't talk to Dot and you could talk to me.

-I know, Pete... -I've never given any argument or nothing.

-You've been a great friend to me. -Haven't I been?

Don't I look after you well enough?

-Oh, sure you do! -Bringing cups of tea and that?

We always have a good time and I always listen to your troubles.

You've been a great friend to me, Pete.

-Well, I don't understand you, Reggie. -I'm gonna give it a try!

I don't understand, I mean, I don't see what you wanna go back to Dot for?

For crying out loud, Pete, I need a woman, don't I?

Yeah.

You left your razor behind.

Do you want one of these with me and you on it?

I already got one.

Oh, look, Pete...

-Well, I'll see you down the caf, then. -Yeah.

Dot?

-Oh, hello, Reggie! -Hi, love.

(NERVOUSLY) What do you want?

Well, I've come home.

Well, ain't you gonna ask me in, then?

-Oh, well, it's in a bit of a mess at the moment. -Oh, that's all right.

(STAMMERING) Here, I'll tell you what...

You give us your case and you come back after work, eh?

No, it's all right, don't worry about work.

Come on, now ask me in, nice cup of tea eh?

Oh, well, I've run out of milk.

I'll have it without milk then.

Come on, darling.

Well, don't you want me home?

Oh, yeah of course, but...

I want to make it nice for ya, you know, how you like it.

That's all right, Love.

You come back later, please, Reg.

Oh, please!

Shut the door, mate, it's drafty.

-What's all this? -I told you to come back later,

then it would've all been settled.

-Now look here... -Now just a minute! Calm down, the pair of ya.

Let's be friends about this. Make some tea, darling.

-Now you hold on a minute! -No, you hold on a minute!

You just can't walk out on her and walk back when you feel like it.

Now look, fellow, I'm tellin' you, if you want bother remember the last time?

Now, just shut up!

So this is what I stay up all night for, is it?

-I come back to this! -Well, I'm not a mind-reader.

You should've said you was coming back last night.

You mean to say, you couldn't wait for me one night?

One night? I've been waiting for weeks!

Over the last couple of days I thought we had something, me and you, Dot.

We did, Reggie.

Yet, you couldn't wait for me one stinkin' night?

One night? Don't keep saying, "One night"! How was I to know?

-You should've known! -Well, I never see you from one week to the next!

Well, what do you want me to do? Send you a telegram or something?

It might have been something! I never see you come through that door!

You're supposed to be my husband!

And you're supposed to be my wife!

-But you know what you are? -What?

Well, go on.

Say it!

-Well, say it! -(GLASS SHATTERING)

Oh, I've had enough.

Well, if this is what you want, fella, you can have it! All of it!

But I'm warning ya, you better be good at housework,

because, boy, you're gonna be busy!

And you can get out of here, too!

(APPROACHING MOTORCYCLE)

Hello there! What're you doing? Cooking spuds?

Well, we can't all be company directors, can we?

What? You the foreman of this dump, then?

Hey, who's calling my dump, "a dump"?

Ooh, it tight out here, innit?

What's that, mate?

Oh...

-I had just a Barney with Dot. -What, again?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) I'm in a right old pickle, ain't I?

I went home and she had that bloke with her.

I'm very sorry to hear about that, mate.

Yeah, I'm in a state, ain't I?

You know, I've been thinking, Pete, what you said about going to America and that.

Well, I thought maybe if you was still going, I want you to take me with ya.

Oh, sure I will.

I was thinking of going down there in a couple of weeks

to see what was happening anyway.

Look, Pete, could we go right away? You know, today?

Well, of course we can, mate.

But, I mean, don't guarantee that we'd get a boat to New York.

Might have to be Singapore or Japan or Australia...

No, I don't care, you know. I just want to get away from it all.

All right, son, I'll look after it.

-Hey, Paddy! -Yeah?

Keep an eye on the dump for me, will ya?

I'm going down to front office to get me cards.

-I'll see you in about 10 years. -Okay, Pete.

-All right? Ta-ta. -Right. Ta-ta, Pete.

I never did like hard work anyway.

Here, listen. You come down to the front office with me,

I'll go down over to Gran's, and you go to your mom's...

Well, that's that, then, Pete?

I'm sure you're gonna miss the old bike, though.

Oh, don't worry, mate, we'll have plenty of gold

to spend in New York, won't we?

-Yeah, great. -Here look, you go over there get yourself a beer,

I'll go down the federation and pick some of the boats, all right?

* Give my regards to Broadway... *

(BOTH CHEERING)

(LOUD CHATTERING)

-Oh, ta, mate. -Would you like a drink, then?

Yeah, cheers, I'll have a brown ale.

He said he'd have a brown ale.

(MOUTHING)

Another double Scotch, please.

I'm actually mad about this jacket here.

Dodgy. Yes, very dodgy indeed.

Yeah, it's a motorbike jacket.

-Oh, you ride a motor-bicycle, do you, dear? -Yeah, I did. I just sold it.

We haven't seen you around here before.

-No, it's me first trip. -Going to sea?

Yeah, I'm going to America with me mate.

There's no boat from here going to America, love.

Oh well, we'll go to China or Japan or something.

Well, that's the only boat that's going and that's ours, and she's bound for Cardiff.

And we've got a full crowd, too, haven't we?

We can always squeeze another one in, dear.

I'll talk to Big Mary about you.

Well, she'd stick a knife in you as fast as she'd look at ya.

Except you've got hazel eyes.

He has! Hazel eyes he has, dear.

Well, look who's here, then, it's Pete.

Hello, love, come on in and have a drink, dear.

Look at this.

-Hello, Pete. -What're you having to drink, then?

-I'll have a gin. -A gin.

This is your friend, then, eh?

I got us fixed up over there, like I promised.

It's going to Cardiff, ain't it, Pete?

Well, mate, you wanted a boat right away, didn't ya?

I mean, we can't all be captains, can we?

Come on with us, love, that's our boat.

We'll be all together, dear, we'll have a ball.

We'll have to make it a foursome, then, won't we?

Yes, it'll be like Suez, won't it?

Now 50 days in the Red Sea, remember that trip?

Oh, remember that?

We'll have a ball there.

See you on board, love. See you on board.

Hey, what's all this about?