Original subtitles

[film reel spins]

[playful music]

-Tug it, tug it! -Like that, nice and slow.

-Tug it, no tug it hard. -Now slower harder, you like that?

Next!

-Next! -[moans]

Jesus!

Oh.

I had another accident last night, dreaming of my princess.

-[sighs] -OK good morning, Prince Fumnanya.

My name is not "Fum-nan-ya." It's Fum-Na-NY-a.

-Like Nanya business. -Sorry, not up on my African nomenclatures.

What is so good about this morning?

Any problems?

-Just you, Dr. Tucker. -I am your doctor,

-not your problem. -You are just a tsotsi,

paid by my father.

Tell me, are you still engaging in those romantic delusions?

I will be a hero and win the heart, of a beautiful princess.

Be a hero and win the heart of his princess, that is sweet isn't it?

Maybe I can do a little makeover, some elevator shoes. Something, maybe?

I will put the Igbo hex on you.

-Oh! - Keep thinking like that, and you will never

get out of here.

Good morning, Andy.

I hope you don't follow the footsteps of your friend there.

You're actually showing real progress. There is actually

-some hope for you. -Oh right in the face.

-Hey, down, down, down! -Hey get your hands off that.

Do not touch that. Keep walking please. Do not touch that!

-Go! -Fumnaki, Fumnami!

Bumba clot, ras clot.

Andy seriously, don't follow in his footsteps OK?

-Well he's following his footsteps. -No I mean follow his footsteps,

-just keep going follow him. -Now he's confused.

-Now they're all confused. -What's that smell?

-That's that one! -That is disgusting.

I'm not cleaning that.

[playful music]

[horse riding noises]

[moaning]

Harder, harder! Not that hard, not that hard!

Yeah woo hoo!

-Yeah take that! -What?

[exhausted]

Are you done? You are cleaning that up.

[sighs]

I am so sick and tired of these two delinquents.

I am going to teach them a lesson, Mr Bones.

[knocks on table]

I'm going to teach them a lesson.

[screams]

I will have another one.

Here you are.

-I am not as stupid as Dr. Tucker thinks. -I'm sure you're not.

He cannot over medicate me against my contempt for his foolish head.

Yeah that, I'm not so sure of.

Take it, take it.

[pills spill on ground]

We must achieve our freedom.

-And how will we do that? -We will escape.

-Where will we go? -On an adventure.

Oh, I'm too tired for an adventure.

I just want a decent meal.

We will make a movie. A movie about a princess, and a hero.

-Are you insane? -That is the point of our movie.

-That you're crazy? -That I can get a beautiful woman,

-and receive my just rewards. -Hey can I be in the movie,

eating pizza and drinking beer?

I forget what real food even tastes like.

You can have all the pizza and beer you want, Andy.

But you must be the director, I will be the hero.

That's ridiculous.

-How am I going to be a director? -Trust me, Andy.

I have a plan.

Oh, god help us.

You have been trying to put together that puzzle, for two years.

You and your invisible friend.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-I have good news. -Oh, what is that?

-I am about to escape from this wretched place. -Really?

Yes, and you are going to help me. -I am?

-Why would I do that? -Because if you do not,

then everyone will know about the lap dances on Dr. Tucker.

I do not think his wife, or his boss would approve, and both of you

would be out of a job.

-I would be out of a job even more if I- -I would not be

so sure about that.

you are new here, and you probably do not know about his wife,

-and what she did to the last nurse he was-- -The last nurse?

She was found gagged, and tagged in a basement, tortured.

It was on the TV news.

-Oh my god, I didn't know. -Dr. Tucker is a very sick man.

He is a shaman possessed by evil spirits. If you ask me,

he is the one who should be sedated.

But he is a boy scout, compared to his wife.

So you could either help me, or you could be gagged, and tagged.

OK, what do you need me to do?

-Something very easy, it would be our little secret. -Secret.

Small bit of advice. But if I were you, I would start carrying a gun.

[adventurous music]

[laughing]

-Retrieve the camera. -Now?

This is the opening scene of our movie. We have achieved our freedom.

It is a very inspiring moment.

-How do you work this thing? -Let me see.

It is easy, auto focus, auto zoom,

let me give it a try. This is the beginning of our movie.

[snoring]

-OK. -OK here let me see.

-Hello, I am Fumnanya. -Wait, I am the director right?

-Because I didn't say action? -Sorry.

-So just wait for me to say it. -OK.

-Action. -Hello, I am Fumnanya, and this is our movie.

It is a movie about a man, me. Who is on a quest to find a beautiful princess,

he can rescue.

And his reward in the end, is a kiss.

-A kiss? -Yes.

-That is all you expect? -That is all I want.

What kind of African are you? You're supposed to be a noble savage.

I am a noble one. But this is America, we must be romantic.

-No no, this is stupid. -It is my quest.

It is my movie, it is my story, Andy.

-Fine. -Good.

All I have to do now, is find my princess, and save her.

Oh, look.

[shocked]

-Hello my princess. -Are you filming me?

-Yes. -Why?

-So you can be in our movie. -Why would I want to be in your movie?

Because I am the hero, you will be the princess, and I will earn a kiss.

[laughs]

You're kidding right?

-OK wait a second, am I being punked? -What is this punked?

Oh my god, you're really serious about earning a kiss?

Yes.

Good luck with that, freak!

-That didn't go so well. -Do you have any suggestions?

Yes, American girls, they like aggressive guys. So enough with charm,

and chivalry. Use some animal magnetism.

-Maybe I should be the star of this movie? -Then give me the camera,

-and you go try. -I'm too, I don't-

-You are not, you go try now, don't chicken.

-I can't talk to a girl. -Don't chicken.

-Don't make me, I don't want to talk to a- -OK.

-Oh what about her? -Excuse me, what time is it?

-Uh it is almost six. -Do I know you?

-I don't think so. -Nice antes, I thought that

I recognized those. You could be my princess?

[slap]

Not even in your dreams, home boy. Now get out of my way.

Turn that damn camera off.

-Do not film my butt. -I can't help it.

-It is a large and nice one. -I want to see her slap you again.

One day we are going to get a star on the walk of fame.

-Our movie is a flop. -How can you say that?

-You are no hero. -And you are no director.

How dare you insult me? And since when are you a film critic?

Instead of giving you a kiss, all your princesses keep telling you to kiss their ass.

Is there anything you would like to talk about? Maybe something from your past?

-What would you like to know? -I don't know, why don't we start

with the nurse you were fucking before me?

-Really it wasn't on the news? She went crazy, kidnapped her?

[laughing]

-Oh, that. -[hums]

That was just you know, that was just an unfortunate misunderstanding.

OK, so what kind of misfortunate understanding, is there going to be,

-when she finds out about me? -She won't.

-She's obviously dangerous. -Not anymore.

-And you're, you're sure of that? -I took care of that problem.

How?

Let's just say that eventually, you will see.

[laughing]

Why are you even with someone like this?

Because her family is rich. She has a trust fund,

I mean let's just say that she's like, my insurance policy.

In case anything ever goes south, which is not likely to happen.

Oh my god, you're a piece of work.

Oh my, what does this say about me? Do I need therapy?

Do I? What's your professional opinion on me?

-Well I couldn't help you. That is a conflict of interest. - Oh that would be immoral.

-Do you know what's not a conflict of interest? -[hums]

OK, yeah? Me and my little friend here.

-Oh! -Yeah, if you wife even comes near me,

I'm going to blast that bitch, to next week.

[cell phone rings]

Dr. Tucker?

[clears throat]

Is everything OK? Is it your wife?

-Operator. -This is Dr. Douglas Tucker, from County Hospital.

We had an escape in our psychiatric ward, double escape.

A real hero is not discouraged, by rejection.

You're a romantic fool. The worst kind of idiot.

We have just been looking for the wrong type of female. In order to be a hero,

I must save a woman, from a terrible situation.

-That way I will earn my kiss. -Do you have any idea how stupid you sound right now?

Women today enjoy their problems. It's their excuse

-for everything. -We will just find a woman, with great moral fiber.

-Here in this town? -[police radio]

-Car 47 reporting back. -Two mental patients have escaped from the psychiatric

ward at the County Hospital.

[car starts]

I'm tired I'm going to head in, I'll see you later.

That is our princess, I am sure of it.

She looks like she needs to be saved.

-From what? -I do not know. But I am going to find out.

-Prepare yourself. -Prepare yourself.

That girl is going to slap you.

You following me?

-You better not be cops. -Do we look like cops?

No but that would be the point, wouldn't it?

-Turn that thing off. -We are making a movie.

-About what? -About a princess that I save, I am the hero.

-Is he retarded? -Borderline.

-What's your name? -I am Fumnanya.

Fuma-ya-ya, or whatever the fuck it is. What kind of a name is that?

-African, I am Igbo. -What's an Igbo?

-It's my tribe. -My tribe is horny men with cash.

-Who would stick you with a name like that? -My father.

It means "he who inspires love".

Wow, and how has that worked out for you?

Trust me, "Fumnanya" is not a hero's name. With a name like that,

you'll never get the girl. Any girl.

[lights cigarette]

-So, do you want a date or not? -I am not sure.

OK, if you want a date, I live in the next block, grey building, second floor.

I'm easy to find. I'm Candy.

What, Candy? That's so close to Andy, she can't be your princess.

You really don't see do you? Your princess is a professional.

A professional at what?

Our movie is turning into a farce.

[footsteps]

[innocent music]

[playful music]

[fish tank bubbles]

[music box]

[clears throat]

I am so sorry, your door was open.

Are you OK?

You changed your mind?

-Changed my mind? -About a date.

How do you like it?

-Like what? -Doesn't he get it?

-He really doesn't seem to. -I do though. Maybe a little show and tell?

Do you like it from the front? Behind?

I like it the traditional way.

Why be so boring?

-You've been with a woman before right? -Woman, lots of women.

In my country, I am number one.

Oh, what a woman.

Hear me roar.

[shudders]

That was a very short date, did you enjoy yourself?

Immensely enjoy.

OK then, how about 50 dollars?

-50 Dollar? -Yeah, a discount, just for you.

-My hero. -Pay the lady, Casanova.

-Where am I supposed to get 50 dollars? -You don't have any money?

Not 50 dollars, my father did not leave me nothing.

Some father, sounds like mine. What do you have?

-I have zero dollars. -12 dollars.

You asshole! Get the hell out of here!

-That's 12 dollars, that was like 30 seconds!

-Get out of here. -You want like 24 dollars a minute?

That's like 1440 dollars an hour, which is crazy money.

-I apologize, next time longer. -Get out of here!

-Hello. -Hello.

-Hi. -What the hell is that?

We're making a movie.

-I thought you said you never do porn? -I'm not Roco,

-I'm not doing porn. -Who the fuck are you guys?

-I am the hero. -I'm Andy.

He is our director.

Is that what I think it is? Is this yours or yours? Hmm?

-It's his. -That's going to cost you hero.

-100 bucks. -100 dollars?

-[hums] -I was told by her, only 50 dollars.

It's 100 bucks, or you're going to pay double, for making a movie

and for cumming on my floor.

-I don't have any more money. -That's going to be a problem.

-Is he the only customer tonight? -Yes.

Girl you're getting lazy on me, I need money, and I need lots of money.

I give you everything I get OK? And you spend it on coke, and gambling,

-that's not my fault. -Shut up, OK?

Leave her alone you gomgat!

What the fuck did you call me? Is that some sort of starter Rhasta kit?

-Watch yourself. -He paid already.

OK go home, I'll get you your money.

OK, you better if you know what's right. Later boys.

[door shuts]

What did you call him?

-Yeah Rocco? -Listen to me, I can't pay you tonight.

Not tonight anyways, OK?

-You should go. -Go?

He owes drug money to the Russian mob, they could show up at any time.

-He's a fucking coke head. -I will protect you.

-Explain to the camera how you need protection. -I'm a big girl,

-I can take care of myself. -For our movie.

-Oh. I need protection. -From who?

-My boyfriend. -He is not your boyfriend.

-My pimp. -I will be your guardian.

-He will kill you. -Maybe, but I will die honorably protecting my woman.

-Oh now I am your woman? -Yes, I have claimed you.

-I do not belong to anybody. -I am also your salvation.

-It is the point of our movie. -He's crazy.

He's a hopeless romantic. That's even worse than crazy.

I think you're a very nice person, and I appreciate your offer.

But, I don't want to see you get hurt.

I got myself into this mess, it's up to me to get myself out of it.

Yeah I totally agree, I mean this is on you.

But I want to help.

I want to be your, prince.

-That's sweet, but. -But.

-Nothing. -Tell me.

Tell me, and you will feel better.

No, I would feel worse.

If she doesn't tell her secret, kill her.

Look in the mirror, if you see what I see,

you are beautiful, independent, highly intelligent.

Can I have a drag?

[coughs]

Why do you do this to yourself?

Can I use your bathroom?

Wait get under the bed! Get under the bed, quick!

-I told you to go home. -I need money and tonight.

-I'm not going back out again, I'm tired. -Why?

-You haven't been working all day. -Go home.

Look I have to pay my debt to the Russians, and unless you have some kind

of cash around here that you haven't told me about, I have to pay with you now.

-That's not funny. -It's not supposed to be.

-OK you belong to me, so. -Fuck you!

[slaps]

Stay down.

[undoes pants]

-No I'm not doing that. -Don't make me hit you again.

-No. -No do nothing.

-Shit! -Don't make me hurt you, nigger.

-Hey! -I am no nigger. I am a Igbo prince!

Get out of here or I'm calling 911!

That's not gonna save you.

-Or him, your nigger prince. -Get the fuck out of here.

Later.

[gasping]

Are you OK?

-You scared him away. -I did?

-Yeah, you did. -I scared him away.

I am the hero.

I am hero. I am your hero! We can get married now.

I am your hero, yes I am the hero.

[hip hop music]

-Aren't you packing? -Packing?

-Don't you have a gun? -I don't like guns.

Oh, how charming.

[laughs]

This is my rainy day fund. Rocco doesn't know I have it.

So let me throw on a dress, and I will take you guys to a nice dinner.

-OK. -OK.

-OK, wait in the living room. -Do you want me to film you, while you pick out a dress?

-I'm good, thanks. -OK.

-I will take care of Rocco. -Rocco is not my problem.

-I will take care of the Russians too. -You would need a gun

to do that. But that's OK, they're not my problem either.

Rocco and the Russians are just symptoms, the problem is me.

-Turn that thing on, I want this in the movie. -You will be in our movie?

-I already am. -You are my princess, I knew it from the start.

I don't think I've ever been anyone's princess. And it's too late for that now.

-It is never too late. -That's sweet.

But the only thing that can save me, is death.

-That's how I want this movie to end. -You want us to kill you?

No, I want you to help me kill myself.

I cannot do that, you are my woman, I am the hero.

-And a hero would never kill his woman. -Are you crazy?

I am not sure. Dr. Tucker thinks I am crazy, but he is not even

a real psychiatrist. That's why we had to escape from the hospital.

-You escaped from a? -The only reason I was there, is because my father,

paid Dr. Tucker to be rid of me.

-You escaped from a mental hospital? -Yes.

-So you are crazy? -We are all a little crazy, it is part

of the human condition. But I am no crazier, than anyone else.

Great, I've been adopted by two lunatics.

Have you decided how you're going to do it yet? Suffocation, drowning?

-I need to think about it some more. -You know what I've been

thinking about? You guys are pretty much nobodies.

So I don't know who is going to want to distribute this movie?

We could just put in on YouTube? It could go viral, and we would be famous.

That is a great idea, viral. Everybody searches the web nowadays.

Wait, hold on a minute. I'm starting to see a lot of the things

that I see when I go off my medication.

I really need to find some medication.

-Do you remember the address, to Dr. Tucker's house? -What?

-The Nurse told us, as we were escaping. -Oh, 4218 Bearmounts Blvd.

Check this out.

[snapping fingers]

-What did you give her? -Chloral hydrate.

-How? -In her dinner, she's going to be passed out for hours.

-OK, but isn't she going to be suspicious that she just passed out?

No, I told her she has a brain tumor, and is going to start suffering

some blackouts. [laughs]

-Hey come on! I got a surprise for you. -OK.

-Some Spice. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -OK.

Get down, get down!

[laughing]

[gasps]

[whips crop]

-You're not going to hurt me with that thing are you? -Frankly darling,

-I don't give a damn! -Oh yeah!

-What is so funny? -He's dressed like Rhett Butler, from gone with the wind!

Oh Atlanta is on fire Rhett! Ride me home to Tara!

-Take it like a southern belle! Alright! -Yee haw!

He is beating that woman, like a horse in a triple grand.

-[inaudible speech] -Right there!

-Yeah! -[climaxes]

No, again? Surely the south will rise again?

[laughs]

10 minutes? God, it's all, it's all sticky.

-What was that? -Oh he sees us.

[everyone] Go, go, go!

-It's the Raccoons. -You! [whines]

[phone rings]

-Scarpeli. -Hi this is Rhett, I mean this is Dr. Tucker,

from County Hospital. Yeah I have been victim, of an attempted home invasion.

-Did you see them? -Is anybody injured?

-Yeah, no. -How many perpetrators?

-Two men and a woman. -A woman?

-I think she's a hostage. -Well what makes you say that?

Because they're escaped patients of mine, with sexual delusions.

-Do you think the woman, was kidnapped by the crazies? -Yes.

-So these loonies are dangerous? -Definitely dangerous.

-OK, do you think they are armed? -Yes.

OK, I will call in a new APB. We will get these guys.

[laughter]

Atlanta is on fire Rhett, ride me home to Tara!

[laughing]

-Oh god, your psychiatrist is pathetic. -[hums]

-Oh he could never do porno!

[laughing]

You were serious before?

-Yes. -Why?

I'm sick of this shit, this life.

It's no life.

OK, I will help you. But you must help me.

How?

Bye giving me a kiss, when you are ready to say goodbye.

A kiss?

-That's all you want? -That is all I want.

It's not too much to ask for, under the circumstances.

That is all I need.

OK, deal.

-Deal. -Deal.

Are you sure, that you want to do this?

Losing your nerve already huh?

There is one thing.

I would like to see my grandmother, before I die.

Your grandmother? What about your family?

I don't care about them.

What would you say to your grandmother?

-Old people are really gross. -Does she have all of her teeth?

-Is she like a really gross one? -Does her breasts hang down, to the floor?

[laughing]

-You have to be careful, around my grandma. -Why because she is old?

-Because Candy isn't my real name. -Are you serious?

It's my working name.

What is your real name?

-Emily. -Emily.

-Is there something wrong with Emily? -No it's just,

-I like Candy better. -Not me.

Well just watch yourself around my grandma?

-See that house up there? -[grunts]

That's granny's house.

[doorbell rings]

You think she is alive?

[sighs]

-Granny! -[difficulty breathing]

-Here, hi! -Hi!

-Turn that off, I'm old and ugly. -Oh we're making a movie.

-Oh, about what? -About a journey.

-Well no one wants to see me. -I wanted to see you.

-And here you are! -Here I am.

These are my friends. This is Fumnanya, that's Andy.

-Fumnanya, African? -Nigerian.

-You're Emily's friends from the city? -Yes.

Well come on in, I'll make you a good supper. You must be hungry.

-Oh lord, we thank you for this meal- -Do you have any hot sauce?

Oh, no, no.

Thank you for this meal, and for Emily's visit, and for your grace.

Please forgive us our sins, and have mercy on our souls, amen.

-Amen. -Which man do you speak of?

A man?

[awkward laughter]

Oh I'm so happy to see you, Emily.

So this journey, tell me about where you're going?

Paris.

Paris? What are you going to do there?

-Construction worker. -No, no, I...

I was offered a job. Working for an artist.

-Oh an artist, that is so romantic. -That is how we met.

I am an artist also.

[awkward sighing]

-Maybe you will find someone to marry in Paris. -Yeah, maybe.

I just wish you weren't going so far away. I feel like we won't

-see each other again. -That is a good possibility.

I need a new life.

Oh we all do. Especially those of us who are old and decrepit.

[awkward laughter]

I appreciate your honesty.

I feel like, we will never be together again.

Why would you say that? Of course we will.

I'm old.

Old enough to know, I don't have much longer to live.

And you are young, with your whole life ahead of you.

At my age, you wake up every morning, and you wonder,

if it's going to be your last?

You know Jesus, he knew for certain,

that this was his last supper.

I worry that this is going to be my last supper.

Oh, thank you.

Oh you're too young to worry about death.

You have to cherish every day that you're alive.

Life is a wonderful gift.

A wonderful gift. Eat, it's getting cold.

Fresh apple pie, your favorite.

I put a little something special in it for your journey.

Did you tell your mother and father, you're moving to Paris?

-Dad hates me. -He's still your father.

Your father is flawed, like we all are, but he's not a bad man.

-I wish you would forgive him. -You tell him.

I'm in a hurry to get to Paris.

Take care of yourself.

[car starts]

-We are perfect for each other, you know? -We are?

We have a lot in common. My father hated me too.

So what method of suicide, do you want to employ?

Hello again, this is my woman Candy.

We are here at the Hardware store, because Candy

is tired of living.

The method of suicide that she has chosen, is to hang herself.

Which is very good for our movie, because it is so picturesque.

At the end of our movie, I will receive a kiss.

Which means a happy ending. A kiss from a-

Stop talking about being happy. It's a tragedy, OK?

Now what we have to do, is go in the store, and buy rope.

Nobody's happy, at the end of a tragedy.

May I help you? I prefer not to be filmed.

-We are making a movie. -About what?

-It is a modern day remake, of Romeo and Juliet. -And it takes place

-in a Hardware store? -Don't be foolish, we are here to buy some rope.

-For the movie? -For mountaineering.

-Exactly. -Romeo and Juliet are going to be mountaineering?

-You must be Juliet. -Yes.

-You look like a fine actress to me. -That is nice rope.

-That is polyester, and it's not strong enough. -How about that one there?

What you need is manilla.

Strong weather resistant. How much do you need?

-About 15 feet. -That's all?

-That'll suffice. -Have you guys ever been mountaineering before?

All the time.

OK, is there anything else that I can get you?

A shovel, a plastic bag, and some lime.

Lime?

Freeze it right here.

-Julia Roberts, with red hair. -It's so good.

-It's very good. -Hollywood here I come!

Hollywood we will all come! We will come together.

That's a lot of coming.

-I am so handsome here, stoic, powerful,- -Sweaty.

It was hot inside the store. I am the next Denzel Washington.

-I see an Oscar in my future. -What is this thing?

-This? -Yeah.

-Oh it's a mouse. -Oh.

-No. -It's OK, it's OK.

-I don't like mice. -Andy!

-I don't like mice! -Andy it is not a real mouse.

Just don't flip it upside down, I don't want to see its belly again.

Is this a robot? Is this like a robot mouse?

He is like an elephant, afraid of mouse.

Hey I don't ever forget.

-It's OK Andy. -Just keep it away from me OK?

-We all remember. -OK.

-You're doing good work. -Great work, Andy.

-Thank you. -You have an eye like a bird.

[digging]

-Hurry up! -I am digging as fast as I can.

-It's not big enough. -It is big enough.

-I'm too tall. -Does it matter?

Soon you will be dead.

I just want everything to be right.

What the hell is that? Little terrifying little girl.

-Are you playing a game? -This looks like a game to you?

-Grave diggers? -Is there such a game?

-I think so. -I think that you should be going home.

Aren't your parents worried about you?

I tell you what, you can stay, and be in our movie.

-What is your name? -Amy.

-Yeah right. I mean her name is Candy, but it's really Emily.

She says it's Candy, how am I supposed to believe your name is really Amy?

Well Amy, you are in our movie now. Is there something

-you would like to say? Into the camera. -I wish my daddy were home.

What's your movie about?

-It is a fairy tale. -I like fairy tales.

So do I. Well it is time to get little Amy home,

come come. We want you to get plenty of rest.

That way you could grow up big and strong, and very smart.

And one day you too could be a director like Andy. OK?

-It was a pleasure to meet you. -It was pleasure to meet you too.

Alrighty then, night night.

Hop hop, hop hop!

Girl gave me the willies.

[fire crackles]

Something is wrong.

Oh!

[coughing]

Oh you blew it!

I got it, I got it, I got it.

[fire extinguishes]

[coughing]

It is closed. That's why.

Maybe that would have been something to check before you tried to light it?

It's going to be OK, hold on. Let me clear out the smoke.

Let me clear it out. I will get everything perfect.

Everything will be perfect. I shall get the mood back.

Give me one minute.

[striking match]

Hey genius, you can't light wet wood.

-It will light when the wood is dry. -Yeah no why don't you

turn this light off, we'll get this mood going that you keep talking about.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is Candy's last evening alive. It must be special.

In a moment, she will be relieved, of all her sadness.

But first, as the hero, I must make her happy.

Because no princess, should die sad.

Granny's apple pie.

-Oh shit! -Look at this.

It is a miracle! Granny is an angel from the heavens!

Is, everything OK?

No.

I have a secret.

I was pregnant once.

I always wanted a little girl.

But I had an abortion.

I was sorry the very next morning.

But it was too late.

All of a sudden I didn't care about anything anymore.

From that point on, my thought every morning, was that I wished

I would never wake up again.

-It's time to make good on that wish.

My father called me stupid.

He told me I would never amount to anything.

That has come true.

I failed at school.

He told me the spirits of my ancestors, would haunt me

the rest of my life, because of a big disappointment to them.

So one day I went to school and locked myself in the classroom,

and set a fire.

It's funny, it's the only time that I felt strong,

and powerful.

Teachers and students were leaping out of the window, to escape the fire.

I fainted from the smoke, a fireman, he saved me.

When my father heard what I had done,

he told me he wished that I had died in that fire.

My mother,

died when I was born.

My father blamed me.

He said he wished my mother had given birth to a dog.

Because at least a dog, would have some value.

[sniffling]

Look at me, I'm supposed to make you happy, and I am making myself cry.

Andy my friend, please turn off the camera.

-The audience not supposed to see the hero crying. -You're a human being.

It's OK to cry.

It's OK to cry.

-My friends. -You're unique.

You hear that Andy?

-I am unique. -Yeah, yeah you are.

Andy, grab the camera.

There is only one thing, for Romeo to do.

One more time.

There is only one thing left, for Romeo to do.

and that is to hang his Juliet.

Everything is to be tested. It must work perfectly!

This is our big scene.

[chair falls]

[choking]

-Aren't you going to help? -This is pure cinema shock value.

The audience will have a lot more sympathy for him, if they believe

he's going to die.

OK, OK.

I believe it works properly.

Stop it! Stop, I'm going to make you eat it.

-So what the fuck is this? -It's a sexual quark.

-You want to kill yourself? -Not exactly.

-What then? -I would like for her to hang me,

and then cut me down, before I am dead, and then we will have sex.

Oh god I've heard everything now. But you know what?

-This is going to cost you. -He already paid.

-No he didn't. -How much did he pay?

A lot.

I still need more. But make this his big night for him, OK?

You know me, customers always get their money's worth.

To each his own.

You should try it some time, I'm telling you, it is fun.

-Did you get it? -Oh I did, I was covering up the light,

I was shooting the whole time.

He is our antagonist. I think he was wonderful.

He looked intense and angry, and then he come to you, people are going to love it!

Do you mind if I have a drink too? My throat hurts.

Drink up.

[gags]

Can I also?

-Thank you. -[hums]

[guzzles]

I believe he is thirsty.

-Rocco ruined everything. -Everything is alright.

-No he took the money I wanted to give you. -My reward has always

been your kiss.

How about a blow job?

We can't shoot real sex, that would be porno.

And I don't want to be like all of your other men.

Trust me, you're nothing like my other men.

Well then, let's get it going.

It is getting late, and I am tired.

-I can't do it. -Do what?

Hang myself.

Turn it on, turn it on. I want you to say that again, to the camera.

-I can't hang myself. -No no no, don't say it into the camera,

say it to him. I'm directing this thing, thank you.

-I can't hang myself. -Now we can get married.

-No we can't. -Why not?

Because I still want to die.

I just don't want to hang myself.

There's got to be a better way.

What better way? Hanging is so cinematic. It's always worked

-for Clint Eastwood. -I don't want to struggle.

I just, I want to go peacefully. Like Juliet.

Cut, cut, cut. Look Juliet did not go peacefully.

She stabbed herself with Romeo's dagger.

I have an idea. It's not lewd, it's very Romeo and Juliet.

-I cannot do it. -Do what?

-I cannot kill you. -[sighs]

I am sorry. I care about you.

You don't even know me. If you care about me, you'll help me.

Come on, our movie is over.

Great the movie is over, we were so close, we were so close to hanging you.

[news show music]

YouTube has produced a lot of bizarre would be celebrities, in recent years.

In recent years, but perhaps none as bizarre, as two unidentified men,

and one woman, who might or might not be exploiting urban legend.

By producing a snuff film.

-We're famous. -Hey turn that up.

Taken at face value, the YouTube video which has already gone viral,

and generated four million hits. Tells the story of a plump Rastafarian,

a dim-witted Caucasian, and an exotic woman, who wants to hang herself.

-What is a snuff film? -We're not making a snuff film. It's an offbeat romantic comedy,

where the heroine dies at the end.

We need to talk to candy, figure out what her idea was for the new end of the movie.

Come on, we have to go!

Let me finish my beer, it is very expensive.

These maniacs, they're out of control.

And we have reason to believe, they are in the process, of making a snuff film.

And we could be looking at a Patty Hearst type situation.

Where the victim, has sided with her abductors, and might be willing

to be snuffed.

Now make no mistake, I will not let that happen on my watch.

Especially with a black guy, and that crazy Caucasian.

I want these deadbeats found, and I want them back where they belong!

Let's get out there, and get to work!

-[officers]Yes sir! -Yes sir is right.

So unlimited overtime, is not an issue on this one?

Hooper, how about you go walk your dog right now, OK?

-Sleeping pills. -It's so much less cinematic.

-As the director, I have to object. -It's my death scene.

Alright, but it would be so much more exciting, if there were

a more violent ending. Would you consider shooting yourself in the head?

[splatter noises] In the stomach?

-[splatter noises] -Absolutely not.

No, sleeping pills it is.

But, let's not hurry. We can wait until tomorrow.

And lets post another instalment to YouTube.

First good idea you've had all day.

-Hello how can I help you? -I would like to buy some sleeping pills.

-Do you have a prescription? -No.

I'm sorry there's nothing I could really do, you need to go see your doctor.

-I do not have a doctor. -You don't have a doctor?

-I mean everybody has to have a doctor. -I am healthy.

Yeah but here you are, trying to get some sleeping pills.

I work during the night, and I need to sleep during the day.

I desire a deep sleep.

-Well how do you define, "deep sleep"? -I do not wake up.

Boy I tell you what, I know exactly what you're saying.

Because this whole thing where you work at night, and then you got to sleep

during the day, it's your whole circadian rhythm it just gets

-totally out of whack. -I need to go to sleep, and be assured that I do not

-wake up. -[hums]

I am sure that there is something you can do, to help me.

-Without a prescription? -I will not tell anyone. I promise.

What's with the camera?

-We are shooting a documentary. -Really? What's it about?

It is about an African, who comes to America, to buy sleeping pills.

And you came here? Am I going to be in it?

You're starring in it right now. Look into the camera.

Wow I feel good about this. I mean I have heard about this stuff

like on Craigslist and stuff, and...

-Yes I will take the pills to go. -OK uhm.

-This is the closing scene. -OK there's that, and I'd also get some Abilify.

That's an anti-psychotic drug.

[news music]

With this new video attracting 20 million viewers in just 24 hours,

the question remains, what is going on here?

To help answer that question, we have an expert opinion from Dr. Conover Brown.

With the film history department at UCLA.

Dr. Brown, what can you tell us about this, media phenomenon?

Technically, it is not a so-called "snuff film," because as I understand it,

the woman in question, is planning to commit suicide.

However, my concern is that she is being wilfully assisted by her "co-star",

and by her "director" of this alleged "movie."

Whatever this is, even if it turns out to be a joke,

it is, definitely appalling.

If it's the woman who wants to die, then why is it her "co-star"

that's being hanged?

He is apparently an escaped mental patient, so frankly we have no way

-of knowing what's going on with him. -Wow.

Well, this much we do know. Whether this "movie" is real or not,

these folks are definitely getting their 15 minutes of fame.

And what does that say, about American culture?

This is Candy's big death scene.

After having second thoughts about hanging herself,

she has decided to use, sleeping pills.

It is a tragic story.

One where, Juliet must die.

[sad music]

I just want to tell you, what a wonderful woman you are.

Is there any way that I can stop you from doing this?

Are you really my woman?

[kiss]

Forever.

[sobbing]

Read this after I am gone.

Not before.

OK.

[kiss]

You will be in my dreams forever.

My woman.

Oh boy.

-Did you get it? -I mean it kind of works.

-How was I? -You're good.

I mean she just looks sleepy.

Hey how long is this going to take?

Look I know she's dying, but it just looks like she's sleeping.

I just wish there was blood, or a weapon, or something.

[startled]

Stop scaring me.

-How is the woman doing? -OK. I think you should go

say hi to Candy. I think she would like that.

-This way. -Let's go get some food, I am hungry.

-Hi. -Hi, what's wrong?

My mom spanked me, because I didn't want to go to bed.

Come here.

You should go home, your mom is going to be worried about you.

No she won't. She's with the mailman again.

-Daddy's not home? -No. Let's sing a song.

♪If you're happy and you know it clap your hands♪ [claps]

♪If you're happy and you know it clap your hands♪ [claps]

♪If you're happy and you know it then your face will surely show it

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands♪ [claps]

You're not clapping.

I'm sad, like you.

Why are you sad?

Because I could have had a nice little girl like you, but she went away.

-Where did she go? -She went far away.

But I'm going to see her very soon.

I have to go to sleep now.

But it's early, at least for adults.

I'm very tired.

OK.

[music box plays]

Sweet dreams.

[sobs]

-She is heavy. -What did you expect? That's why

-it's called dead weight. -You could assist me.

-Don't be ridiculous, this is our money shot. -Could you just

put the camera down?

Grab her legs, gently.

Her last words. I should read them, for our audience.

Fumnanya, I just want you to know,

that you are my best friend, for all eternity.

I will always love you, for what you did for me.

And I wish I had met you earlier.

Perhaps my life would have turned out differently?

I never allowed myself to truly get close to a man,

because I never trusted men, for obvious reasons.

But I trusted you,

and you did not disappoint me.

I thought about what you told me, the things that your father

said to you. And I just want you to know,

you are a beautiful human being.

[sobbing]

I hope,

you live the rest of your life,

with love, peace,

and hope.

Candy.

For the first time Andy, did you hear that?

I am a beautiful person, she said.

The first time, that I feel like I mean something to a woman.

To myself.

She forgot to give me a kiss.

I forgot to ask.

No no no no. We are not having any necrophilia in this movie.

-We'll get an NC17 rating. -The point,

of the whole movie is my kiss.

-[kiss] -[gags]

[spits]

[heaves]

I will go to church, from now on.

My film is a disaster. I'm going to be the laughing stock of Hollywood!

It is not a disaster. Are you kidding? Our whole big ending,

just imploded. Did you not see that?

What I see is a miracle. In the end she lives!

Are you suggesting that Romeo and Juliet, would have been a better play,

if they had lived? You don't know anything about art!

I know everything about art, I am a painter! I am also a construction worker!

-Yeah, you're also an asshole. -It is better than being a whole ass.

I know it would be a better movie, if Juliet is alive,

-then we could have a sequel! -A sequel? You want a goddamn sequel?

-God fuck this non-union bullshit. -Sequels make more money

than the originals!

If you would just die, our director would be so happy.

No wonder I'm alive, and it's not a "miracle."

These aren't sleeping pills, they're a "sleep aid."

-They're herbal, over the counter? -I was told

-that they would work. -For what?

Yeah for what Fumnanya? Inducing yawning? I always said that

sleeping pills were a stupid idea. I said something more dramatic,

something more exciting, shoot yourself, no!

I said maybe you could swallow a bunch of baking soda, and then a bunch of vinegar,

and you'd explode, like a middle school volcano project, but no!

I said we could go down to the Zoo, you could jump in

with the penguins, and they'd peck you to death! You're like "no, penguins

are nice!" But I understand what penguins say,

and those fuckers talk to me. And they would do exactly that!

-I don't need this girl tired, I need her dead for this movie! -Well we have a new ending

to your movie. I'm going to kill you now!

[struggling]

[punches]

-I am happy that you are not dead. -Well I'm not.

I trusted you.

Candy I am sorry. No I am not,

I am happy. Will you marry me now?

-Are you crazy? -I suppose that I am. But I am happy.

I'm a whore, I have a pimp, Rocco would kill you!

I am not afraid of Rocco!

[door opens]

No?

-No, she is my woman now. -Tell that to the Russians. Oh that's right,

I'm giving her up, to cover my debt. And I'm going to kick your dumb,

black, Rhasta ass, just for the fun of it!

[kick]

I cannot believe that worked. I cannot hear you.

Are you saying something? You have a ball in your throat.

How can you talk with a ball in your throat?

Say it again. What? Who is the man?

You'll pay for it, hero!

[punch]

[bludgeon]

-You knocked him out. -How do they say? "Pimp down."

-Pimp down. -Pimp down.

-Pimp down. -[laughing]

Who the man?

I am strong, Igbo warrior.

If you mess with my woman again, I will fold your cracker ass, like a towel.

-What day is your trash day? -I think tomorrow morning.

-He needs to be picked up. -[laughing]

-After you. -Stupid jerk face.

I felt like Sugar Ray.

[kiss]

You made good on your promise. You saved me.

You're my hero.

You are no longer Candy, you are now Emily.

Once again.

That may take some getting used to, but yes.

[kissing]

We have to celebrate! Let's go! Go!

[bowling pins fall]

Yeah!

Put your hands up! And drop the ball!

Drop the ball! Put the ball down now!

Drop the ball now!

-You must be the victim. -Victim?

-For the Snuff film. -I don't know what you're talking about,

-I'm Juliet. -Sure you are. Are you off your meds too?

Adventure's over, time for you boys to go home.

Aren't you going to arrest me?

They're not being arrested, they're being escorted, back to where they belong.

Says who?

Dr. Douglas Tucker, County Hospital.

[inaudible audio]

[news show music]

This just in, the two escaped mental patients, from the popular Snuff film,

were arrested this evening.

Fumnanya's real name, is Keith Johnson, and he's from Detroit.

Apparently he lost his wife, a young aspiring actress, to breast cancer.

The film was supposedly a tribute to her.

Hi Keith.

Candy.

My woman, I love you.

I'm Fumnanya.

How are you doing?

Not so well.

Not for long.

Atlanta is on fire Rhett, ride me home to Tara.

You make sure to tell him, I kept a copy. And if doesn't want end up

a "YouTube celebrity," too, he better come to his senses and make the right decision.

OK.

-OK. -OK.

[kiss]

[laughing]

Ride me home to Tara!

[moaning]

-What do you want? -Unconditional freedom. In writing.

Then no one will ever see this.

Mr. Bones what do you think?

-I think they'll love it. -It's not as long as the original

"Gone with the Wind", but still. I think it brings something

-new to it. -Yes, I think it brings something really special.

True love. There is a place.

Perfect.

I have taken a liking, to the fire water.

We have a check, for $86,435.

[celebrating]

Here's to our new lives!

I'm getting a private jet.

My future is so bright, I shall continue to wear shades.

-Goddammit! -How about a drink?

Yeah!

[laughing]

Atlanta is on fire, Ride me home to Tara!

-Oh man that's crazy. -That's hilarious.

Baby I didn't do it, would you stop throwing things at me?

Look what the hell am I going to do? Where am I going to go?

Did these events actually happen as Maramount, and YouTube,

the two former lunatics, and the ex hooker claim? Or was the whole thing

an elaborate ruse, cooked up by a clever, Hollywood publicist?

We may never know. But one thing is for sure, this tale has had

a very happy ending, for almost all concerned. And that's what really matters

in the grand tradition of Hollywood, right?

Hello Brad? This is Penny Marshall, I was just watching

on one of these news channels, snippets of this YouTube snuff film.

I think it's big.

They say you're the next big thing.

I read about you in Variety.

Well if you don't mind me asking, I have a script here for you.

It's about the Mexican Revolution, are you interested?

[credits music]