Original subtitles

Once upon a time,

there were three little girls who went to the police academy...

Two in Los Angeles,

the other in San Francisco...

And they were each assigned very hazardous duties.

But I took them away from all that, and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

Paul?

Paul. We gotta talk to you.

Well, okay. It's important, Paul.

I'm going to get a cup of coffee. Why don't you come on in?

See if we can get them frowns off your faces.

We won't have time for that.

Paul, this is Mr. Dressler.

Why the gun, Mr. Dressler?

You better come with us, Sheriff. Somethin' you should see.

Tom, what the devil's goin' on?

I think you better do as he says.

You drive, Sheriff.

Bosley, level with us.

♪♪ Are you actually picking up the tab...

for the whole three days in Arizona, food and lodging?

Well, no, not actually. Charlie's paying for this little western vacation.

Personally, I feel his actions are dangerously generous.

Meaning he'll spoil us?

Meaning that a smart detective is a hungry detective.

- What about a thirsty detective, Bosley? - Oh, yes.

His reckless actions also include beverages as well.

- Milk.

No, no. Dom Perignon champagne, if you like.

- Oh! - That is, provided we can find it...

in this distant village wherein your aunt and uncle hold forth.

Bosley, they don't "hold forth." They endure.

My Uncle Paul has been sheriff here since he retired from the Phoenix Police Force,

and my Aunt Lydia is the mayor, no less.

Or is it mayoress, no less?

You mean, she's really, uh, the chief honcho, as they say?

Yep. She was elected about three months ago, uh, by a margin of 33 votes.

Very narrow margin.

Not when you consider that there are 63 voters in the district.

Oh. Sixty-three?

Well, then we are going into wilderness.

It's not the wilderness, Bosley.

No, actually, it's sort of a retreat for the, uh, older set.

- Older set? - Mm-hmm.

I would say that the average age is about 60.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, you said you wanted to get a lot of rest.

You really took us at our word, too, didn't you?

We interrupt our program to bring you some local news.

It seems that the tiny village of Paylon in the Mahonga Mountains...

will host a national celebrity of sorts for a day or two.

Listen, here's that news thing about Uncle Paul.

The nationwide manhunt for syndicate strongman George Camaris...

ended this morning when three forest rangers accidentally came upon Camaris...

hiding out in a remote mountain cabin at a place called Cave Rock.

Cave Rock? Uncle Paul and I hiked up there.

Oh, whee!

- I'm driving. - Is that what you call it?

- Listen, listen. - - The rangers are bringing Camaris...

out of the mountains to the Paylon substation...

where Sheriff Danvers will hold him until the F.B.I. can arrange transportation...

for Camaris back to Washington, D.C.

Camaris, of course, is due to testify before...

the Justice Department Organized Crime Commission.

And now back to our program.

♪♪ Big doings in Paylon. Step on it, Bosley.

Oh, right on. Ahh.

- Right on. - Into the wilderness!

Get out.

Who are these men? It'll all be explained to you when you get on the bus.

It'll be explained to me now. Sheriff.

What I have in mind will work whether you're on that bus or lyin' dead here.

Don't push your luck.

Exactly what is it you have in mind?

Like I said, it'll all be explained to you when you get on the bus.

Move, old man.

I've told you what to do. Now get to it.

We are now entering Paylon, Arizona... population, 87.

Looks like the river's down.

Boy, this brings back memories.

Paylon Manor, one of the two great hotels in town.

Now we're in downtown.

Well, you know, it looks actually civilized.

Okay, we're gonna go see Uncle Paul, then we'll go to Aunt Lydia's.

Then we'll check in to the hotel. Ah-ah-ah.

And then we do nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I'll have to call you back.

Howdy. Fellows, right? Ed Fellows.

Uh, do I know you? My name's Kris Munroe. I'm Sheriff Danvers's niece.

Oh, oh.

You know, my uncle wrote me a while back.

He said the county was sending him a deputy.

- You started two months ago? - Uh, yeah, that's right. Two months ago.

Well, my Uncle Paul has said some nice things about you.

Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

Oh, I'm sorry. These are my friends,

Kelly Garrett, Sabrina Duncan... Hi. Hi.

John Bosley. Hi.

Uh, you really have me at a disadvantage.

Your uncle told you about me, but, uh, he didn't tell me about you.

Oh, well, we're from the Townsend Agency, and we're here on a few days' vacation.

Oh, models. No, detectives.

You're all detectives?

Well, actually, we're strictly tourists for the next few days.

Oh. Do you have any idea where my Uncle Paul is?

Uh, not exactly. He said he was going to get a cup of coffee about two hours ago,

and, uh, I haven't seen him since.

Hmm. Well, maybe we should go by my Aunt Lydia's.

- Maybe he stopped there. - Uh, no, no. I don't think he was goin' home.

Well, that's all right. I wanna see my Aunt Lydia anyway.

Listen, we have reservations at the Village Inn.

When you see the sheriff, will you tell him that he can reach us there?

Village Inn. Right. I'll tell him. Thanks.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Oh.

Well, Aunt Lydia's is just around the corner. We might as well walk.

Okay.

No, no, no. I-I cannot agree.

It's-It's-It's completely out of the question.

I don't see how you can even consider.

We-We just cannot let this community...

Well, it's about time I saw a friendly face.

Kris! Hi, Aunt Lydia. How are ya?

Well, I'm... I'm fine.

What are you doing here? What am I doing here?

I talked to Uncle Paul this morning. Didn't he tell you?

No, he didn't.

Well, I called him two hours ago at the office.

Well, I-I haven't seen him since he left the house this morning.

Oh, well, that explains it.

- Oh, come on in. Come on. - Hi.

- Thank you. Hi. - Hi.

Aunt Lydia, these are the people I told you

about... the people I work with and my friends.

This is Kelly, John Bosley, Sabrina Duncan. Nice to meet you.

How do you do? You got the coffee pot on?

Uh, yes. Oh, come in.

Uh, this is Joe Weatherby and Tom Mills.

Hello. How are you? How do you do?

- I-I hope we're not interrupting anything. - Uh...

Well, we're having, uh,

a minor community crisis of sorts.

Well, nothing serious, I hope.

Oh-Oh, no. It's just that,

well, when one is mayor,

one has to handle all sorts of problems.

It is time-consuming.

Uh, Kris and her friends are detectives...

who work in Los Angeles.

Detectives? You mean, police detectives?

No, private investigators.

What brings you here?

Oh, just a little rest and relaxation.

Oh. Oh, well, that's nice.

Uh, well, listen,

you all seem pretty busy, and we haven't even checked in to the hotel yet.

So, um, I think maybe we should do that.

And I'll call you later, let you know where we are,

and maybe we can get together and have some dinner, okay?

- Yes, that would be fine. Fine. - Okay.

I'm sorry we interrupted. Nice to meet you. Excuse us.

Nice meeting you, yes. Bye.

Nice to meet you. We'll see you later. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Oh!

What next?

Your aunt seems like a very nice lady. Sure does.

She's lovely. She sure seemed upset though.

Well, I guess being mayor isn't easy, even if it is a little village.

I suppose so. Listen, being in any executive position can be difficult.

Believe me, I know.

You know, Bosley, I think you're right.

You're actually beginning to look stoop-shouldered...

from the weight of executive decision making.

You really mean that? Are they back now?

Hi. Good morning.

We have reservations for four singles. The name is Munroe.

Uh, I don't believe so. What do you mean?

I mean, uh,

I have no reservation under the name of Munroe.

Well, I thought you called.

I did. I called this morning. I talked to a man.

I... I'm sorry. I-I own this place.

I'm the only man here, and I have no such reservations.

And besides, we're all booked up.

This is crazy.

I made a reservation. Okay, okay.

So somebody made a mistake. We'll stay somewhere

else. There is another hotel, isn't there?

Yeah, there's one... The Paylon Manor.

- Great. - Good. Then no-no problem. Let's go.

Thanks. Uh, sorry about the mix-up.

Give me the Paylon Manor.

Well, Paylon Manor is about two blocks down the street.

It's not exactly four stars, but it'll do. Okay.

Hey. What's he doing?

Hi there. Find your uncle?

Uh, no. What, uh... What happened to my headlight?

Well, I was, uh, just about to ask you the same question.

Looked like somebody backed into you. Probably a flatbed truck.

- I don't think so. - No?

Well, no. A truck that wide wouldn't have a bed that low,

and there's not a dent on the fender or the bumper.

Looks like somebody just knocked them out.

I suppose that's possible.

Could've happened last night, maybe.

No. No, I can't buy that.

I would have noticed when I got in my car this morning.

Sometimes you notice these things, sometimes you don't.

Well, one of us would have noticed it before we left Los Angeles this morning.

Which means it happened after we got here.

Well, I suppose that's possible too.

We get a lot of transient kids through here. There's been some vandalism.

Oh, that's terrific, and a wonderful way to start a vacation.

Oh, Bosley.

Yeah, that's, uh... that's really too bad.

Say, uh, why don't you take it to Bill's

station. He can probably get it fixed for you.

Okay. We might as well hop in the car. The hotel is across the street from Bill's.

Kelly and I will get us some rooms, and you guys can get the car fixed.

I'm, uh, really sorry about this. No problem.

Well, it's not your fault. Keep an eye out for my uncle, will you?

I'll let you know the minute I see him. Thanks.

Well, what is it?

They're tourists.

Tourists, just like they said.

But they are detectives? Private detectives, which wouldn't bother me,

except for the one who keeps asking for her uncle.

Sooner or later she's gonna get suspicious,

and then all of 'em are gonna get suspicious.

Don't worry.

If they don't leave, we'll put them out of the way.

That's a little extreme, isn't it?

Considering the larger picture, it's nothing.

Well, let's hope they leave.

Let's hope.

Well, it's only for three days.

Oh, well, uh, hello again.

Hi. Mr. Weatherby, right?

Yes. Uh, what can I do for you?

What you can do is give us some rooms.

Oh, rooms.

Uh, I-I'd love to help you out, but I'm afraid we're all full up.

Well, your vacancy sign is still on.

Oh, yes, so it is.

I tell you, you just can't get good help these days.

Now, that night clerk, he should have turned

that "No" sign on last night when we filled up.

Well, is there another hotel nearby?

Well, there's Marble Mountain Lodge...

about 30 miles back down the road.

- That's all? - Sorry.

Okay, thanks.

Hmm. Oh, listen, by the way,

when you were at my Aunt Lydia's house, had my Uncle Paul called or anything?

Oh, yes, that's-that's right. He called.

He... had to go down the mountain.

- Down the mountain? How come? - Well, I really...

Auto accident, I-I think. He's gonna be gone for some time.

Actually, if you head on down the mountain, you might see him on the road.

Yeah. Thanks.

Thank you.

You think they believed ya?

Let's hope they did, for their sake.

They're here now.

Yes, I will. I told you I would.

- Hi there. - Hello.

Can I help you? Yeah, we got a, uh, minor tragedy here.

Ah. Somebody back into you, huh? Yeah.

Somebody backed into us.

Well, I, uh... I don't think I can help you.

- Why do you say that? - Well, I'll have to check my stock,

but I'm pretty sure I don't carry these kind of lights.

- I'll just be a minute. - Yeah.

Very nervous fellow. Mm-hmm.

Hello.

How'd we do?

Negative. No room. You're kidding.

What do you mean? The vacancy light was on. No.

The night clerk forgot to turn the light off.

I'm afraid I can't do you much good either.

You mean, you don't keep these lights in stock? Sorry.

Well, is there another station around here?

No, afraid not. I'm not surprised to hear that.

Well, you see, uh... uh, I just mostly just pump gas.

The wife and I came up here a while back to sort of semi-retire.

Mm-hmm. Don't do much repair work,

which is why my stock supply ain't much.

You understand? Yeah. We understand.

Uh, I'm really sorry.

You, uh... You got no place to stay.

You can't drive out of here at night with no headlights.

- Kind of ruins your whole day, don't it? - Yeah, kind of does.

- Well, like I say, I'm, uh, really sorry. - Yeah.

Okay.

- What's naggin' at you, Bree? - I don't know. Something's strange.

I know what it is. They misnamed this town.

They should have called it Bad Luck City.

Phew. We have really had a string of bad luck.

- Hmm, I don't think so. - What do you mean?

I don't know. But I agree with Bree.

There's something very strange going on here.

At the risk of sounding paranoid, I don't think we're wanted here.

- Well, that's crazy. - Is it?

Kris, you phoned your uncle, told him you were on your way.

When we get here, he's disappeared.

Suddenly, there's no place in town to stay. Our headlights are mysteriously broken.

They subtly tell us to drive back down the mountain before dark,

meaning now. I got it.

- You got what? - There are no women.

Well, what does that mean?

It means there are no women here.

Kris, you said that this was a retirement

community for elderly couples, right? Look at that.

There's a whole bunch of men, but I haven't seen a woman since we got here.

So what are we supposed to do about that?

I don't know. Maybe they're all inside at a Bake-Off or something,

but it seems a little funny to me.

What do you think? Does it seem strange to you?

- You know the place. It's your uncle. - Real strange.

What should we do?

I think we'd better ask my Aunt Lydia some questions.

Listen, it's me again. I did just what you told me,

but they're beginning to figure it out.

How? What did you tell 'em?

I didn't tell 'em anything. I did exactly what you told me,

but they're going over to the mayor's house.

You gotta believe me.

Just great. What's wrong?

They're gettin' suspicious.

Listen, it's all gonna go down pretty soon,

and I'm not about to let them screw it up.

Where are they now? On their way to the old lady's house.

Okay, that does it. Let's go. Right.

Aunt Lydia doesn't wanna see us.

Well, she's going to.

There must be somebody there.

Well, try again.

Never mind.

Aunt Lydia, we have to talk to you.

What's wrong?

I think you should tell us what's wrong.

I don't know what you mean.

Where's Uncle Paul?

He's down the mountain.

We don't think so.

Mrs. Danvers, we know something's wrong.

There is nothing wrong. Believe me.

- Aunt Lydia, we know each other too well. - Kris, please.

Mrs. Danvers, maybe we can help you.

You can't help.

Your just being here, being who you are, asking questions, it...

It endangers all of us.

But-But why? What's going on?

I can't tell you. But you've got to leave.

We're not going anywhere until you tell us what's happening.

Hey, look out!

He's dead.

Aunt Lydia, who were those men? Who were they?

You don't... You don't know what you've done.

Why were they shooting at us?

You just don't know what you've done.

They're both dead.

Oh, my God.

You've just... killed Uncle Paul...

and... others.

What are you saying? You're not making any sense.

Mrs. Danvers, what do you mean?

Please. If-If we're gonna help you, you've gotta trust us.

Oh.

All right.

See, there... was a man... A prisoner...

Being brought here today by the Forestry Service people.

Well, yeah. You mean, George Camaris?

Well, you already know about it.

We heard about it on the radio. What about Camaris?

Well,

those two men out there and three others...

kidnapped your Uncle Paul.

It was this morning. It must have been right after you telephoned.

And then they killed Deputy Fellows.

That wasn't Fellows? Listen.

They killed Deputy Fellows, and they took his uniform,

and they took over his office.

And those two men stayed in the office.

And the other three...

took your Uncle Paul on a bus...

and most of the women in the village.

Why? What do they want?

They wanted the prisoner that the Forestry people were going to bring here today.

- Camaris. - Yes, they... they wanted to get him...

out of the country before the F.B.I. people came here to pick him up.

You mean, if they deliver Camaris, they'll return the hostages?

Yes.

Well, it seems that we've stumbled into a very high-level operation.

It also seems like we've rather messed things up.

Well, you... It wasn't your fault.

You... You couldn't have known.

Yes, it was our fault.

But we could fix it. I know we could fix it.

No. You couldn't.

It's not possible.

Why? Why isn't it possible?

Because when the three men took your Uncle Paul,

they took one of his portable radio units.

And unless that man out there...

called them by 4:00,

they had instructions to destroy the bus...

and everybody on it.

No wonder this whole town is so terrified.

Mrs. Danvers, where have they taken the bus?

We don't know. We-We know nothing about it.

That's why I've been doing exactly what they told us to do.

But 4:00? That's less than two hours away.

And how many square miles of wilderness area to cover?

Too many. Unless...

- Unless what? - Wait a minute.

You said they had one of Uncle Paul's portable radio units, right?

Yes. And you have one of Uncle Paul's other radio units here?

Yes. We always keep one for an emergency.

Okay, Aunt Lydia. Do you have some old clothes?

Old clothes? Yes.

Why? Go get 'em.

Pull over here, Bosley.

Okay, wish me luck.

Yeah, do your thing.

Okay, Big Uncle, this is Sweet Christmas.

This is Sweet Christmas, Big Uncle. Do you read me, honey?

Big Uncle, this is Sweet Christmas. This is Sweet Christmas, Big Uncle.

Do you read me? Do you read me, honey? Coming at you out there in radio land.

Let me know you're there, sweetheart.

Hey, Big Uncle, I need to hear your sweet, lovin' voice. Do you read me?

What the devil is that?

I don't know. C.B.-er, I guess. What?

C.B... citizens band radio. There are tons of 'em around here.

Hey, Big Uncle. It's Sweet Christmas.

I'm pushing me a semitruck full of grapefruits down to Tucson.

You out there, Big Uncle?

C.B.-er, all right. What are you talkin' about, old man?

Citizens band operates on different frequencies.

How could she get on your radio?

It's impossible. Nah. It's possible.

Up here in the mountains, the signal bounces a lot and splits.

You get what they call "rarmonics."

Come on in. This is Sweet Christmas. Do you read me, Big Uncle?

- You out there? - What does "Sweet Christmas" mean?

Well, that was our nickname for her when she was little,

and she visited us in Phoenix.

Go ahead.

Hey, Big Uncle, you sly old fox. You haven't

forgotten Sweet Christmas now, have you?

Or maybe you're trying to forget me on account...

you don't want Big Mama to catch you playin' around?

Well, now, Sweet Christmas is just gonna stay cool,

and I'm just gonna keep at you until you let me know you're out there.

Come on. You out there, Big Uncle? Let me know you're out there.

Listen, could she hear transmissions that we get or make?

Not if I tell her to get off the frequency.

Then do it. You be careful.

Sweet Christmas?

This is Sheriff Paul Danvers of the Paylon Sheriff's Station.

You read me? Sheriff who?

Sheriff Danvers.

And, uh... I'm here to tell you you're using an illegal frequency.

Oh, I'm using 940 kilocycles. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be usin'?

Uh, you're probably hittin'...

a 1640 bounce off Mill Mountain.

I don't understand that, Sheriff. Can you clarify that for me?

I'm sayin' you should pay attention to the 1640 bounce off of Mill Mountain.

1640.

Best thing you can do to stay out of trouble is just to shift frequency.

You understand what I'm saying, missus?

- Or you want me to slap a fine on you? - I hear what you're saying,

and you won't have no more trouble with Sweet Christmas.

So I'll catch you on the flip-flop. 10-4, good buddy.

Good.

1640... That's a fire-brush road...

that intersects about 15 miles above here on the way to Mill Mountain.

Okay, that's where they've taken the bus. Bosley, what time you got?

I got, uh, 3:20. Oh!

Let's go.

Oh. They must've locked it after they went in.

Ram it, Bosley. Hide!

Good boy.

Ten minutes to 4:00. Still no word.

You better hope your people did like they were told.

Oh, I'm sure they have.

They're old. No fight left in them, right?

You better hope they're not so old they try somethin' dumb.

No. You people hold all the cards.

By 4:00 or soon after, you'll get your call, so relax.

Everything'll go your way,

'cause it usually does with you people.

You talk too much, old man.

Something's gone wrong.

Relax. Don't tell me what to do!

It's 10 after 4:00. The call was supposed to come no later than 4:00.

Maybe your watch is fast. Don't be stupid!

Listen, like I said, you people hold all the cards.

Nobody in that town's gonna cross you.

The delay is probably with the Forest Service people.

They probably got delayed coming down the mountain. Give it a few more minutes.

My orders said 4:00.

You mean, you'd really kill 25 helpless people?

Twenty-six.

Five more minutes.

What can it possibly hurt to give 'em five more minutes?

Okay. Okay, five more minutes.

And then if the call hasn't come, you'll be the first to get it.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Okay, slow down, Bosley.

Fire-brush road 1640 ends about two miles up the road.

It's 10 minutes after 4:00. We're too late!

Come on, Aunt Lydia. My Uncle Paul is one of the smartest men in the whole world.

I've always though so. I know he's buying us some time. We gotta keep believin'.

You think we can get into the group without being noticed?

Well, we got to if we're gonna make a move.

Hey, there it is!

Aunt Lydia, you stay here. Bosley, if it goes down, you get her out of here.

I will. No, he won't. I'm going with you.

I'm sorry. Under no circumstances. I want you up here where it's safe.

Kris, I know those women personally.

They're frightened. They could give you away.

But if I go first, I can tell them what's going to happen.

It'll be better for you, and it'll be better for them.

I'm sorry. It's just too dangerous for you.

Why? Because I'm too old? I didn't say that.

Well, you didn't have to.

They're my friends, and my husband is there.

I can't do any less than my best for them.

I... I have to take as much risk as they're taking.

If I don't, it makes me as old and as helpless as you think I am.

You know what? She's right. I mean, if

those ladies panic, we haven't got a chance.

We're wasting time.

- Okay, come on. - Here we go.

Okay, what's the plan?

Well, we each have to get near one of the guards before any of us can make a move.

Well, I can stand closer scrutiny than either of you three, even in those getups.

So I'll go in and tell the women what to do.

All right, Aunt Lydia. But please, please, be careful.

I never saw a man I couldn't handle yet.

Go get 'em.

Where'd you come from?

I beg your pardon?

What were you doing in there?

Why, none of your business.

Certain things that a lady likes to keep private...

under the worst circumstances, young man.

If you had any brains, you'd know that.

What do you think's gonna happen to us? It's terrible.

Don't move a muscle.

Be quiet.

Pretend that I've been here all the time.

Everything's going to be all right.

Attagirl, Auntie.

Let's spread out and go in from different angles. Okay, I'll cover you from here.

All right.

We better be brave.

Watch it.

What do you want?

Everything is going to be all right.

God, where is Paul?

Okay, time's up, old man. Get 'em on the bus!

Ooh-hoo!

Freeze! Ow.

Hold it!

You better unlock me, or that old lady is liable to blow you away.

The way I see it, you got three choices.

You can give it all up, you can make us shoot you, or we can let them have at you.

I give. Keep 'em away from me. Keep 'em away from me!

Okay.

Pity.

Anyone here good at tying things?

My granddaddy lassoed a horse thief once.

Face down and arms behind you.

And he hung him too. I'll show you the knots he used.

Okay. Let's go.

Nice and slow. Nice and easy.

Let's go join your friends.

Paul! Oh, honey!

Oh!

Are you all right? I'm fine, honey. How are you?

Me? Oh, I never felt better in my life.

Oh.

I take it your aunt and uncle are all right, Kris.

Ah, they're both just fine, Charlie.

When Uncle Paul got back to the office, the Forestry Service was waiting there...

with the federal prisoner George Camaris.

Well, I'm relieved to hear everything worked out.

Oh, and this morning, when the F.B.I. came to pick up the prisoner,

there were all kinds of reporters and photographers there.

We might get our picture in a newsmagazine. Sounds exciting.

Not too much excitement for the elderly set at the village, I hope.

That "elderly set" can be quite a forceful group when riled, Charlie.

Very forceful.

Well, from what you've told me, your Aunt Lydia showed great courage, Kris.

Oh, she was incredible, Charlie.

There is a problem though. What's that?

- When it was all over with, Aunt Lydia got depressed. - Depressed? Why?

Well, when things got back to normal, everything seemed a little dull.

Now she and Uncle Paul are having sort of a family dispute.

Nothing troublesome, I hope? No.

She just thinks that being mayor is boring. She wants Uncle Paul to deputize her.

- She's not serious? - Oh, yes, she is.

Hey, I think that's a good idea, Kris.

Your uncle could deputize maybe two or three of those ladies,

give them assignments by phone, let them do all the work,

and he just lays back and relaxes.

That is an absolutely preposterous idea.

I agree, Bosley. Totally absurd.

- Never work. - No, of course not.

I don't know any woman that would accept something like that.

Mm-mmm. Do you?

Absolutely not.