Original subtitles

Once upon a time,

there were three little girls who went to the police academy...

Two in Los Angeles,

the other in San Francisco...

And they were each assigned very hazardous duties.

But I took them away from all that, and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

Evening.

Oh-Oh! Sorry.

May I help you? Oh, Mr. Anderson.

You've got to do something.

There's a murderer aboard this ship. You've seen someone killed?

No, no, no. It was in Philadelphia.

I'm sorry, I don't seem to be able to follow you.

Listen, please.

My name is Lisa Blake. I'm from Philadelphia.

That man's picture was in the newspaper there and on television.

He murdered his wife!

His name is... Thatcher!

And you've seen him aboard this ship?

He's in the stateroom across from mine.

J... J-142, I think.

All right. Please, come with me.

It'll be all right.

There's a Mr. Cardenos registered in this stateroom.

His name is Thatcher. His picture was in all the papers.

Are you sure? Oh, please, believe me. You've got to do something.

All right. Now go back to your cabin. Lock your door.

I'll go get Captain Brunner. All right.

Don't worry, I'll be right back. Oh, thank you.

Who is it?

Steward, ma'am. Purser sent me.

You forgot your murder mystery.

No. No!

They tried to make it look like an accident, but I'm sure it was murder.

Her name was Lisa Blake.

Only 23 years old, she was.

And the story that she told the purser was true, Captain Jack?

That's right, Kris. The man Lisa identified...

escaped on his way to prison outside Philadelphia.

And he's vanished too. He probably left the ship when it reached Brazil.

Uh-huh. He isn't the first criminal to skip the country in the past few months.

Authorities are certain that somebody is helping them.

And now it looks like they're using my ship, the Southern Queen,

as the base for their filthy operations.

I'd like to get me hands on them.

Do you have any idea who they might be?

Well, on two occasions...

the trail led to a bar in L.A...

named Shanghai Shanty...

but the trail went cold there.

There is a steward, though, aboard the Southern Queen...

by the name of Leo Sanchez,

and he has a criminal record of his own.

Guess where he spends most of his time when he's in port?

The Shanghai Shanty?

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

And I'll bet there's a reason that he hasn't been picked up yet.

Right again. Leo is just hired help.

I'm sure he's working for someone else aboard the ship.

So, Angels, you're taking a cruise on the Southern Queen.

Now, the captain is James Brunner.

He won't know your real identities, so you're on your own.

Your assignment is to find out who is running the operation and to break it up.

So we'll all need to have a cover,

but one of you will have to be a wanted criminal...

Tough, streetwise...

and capable of anything.

Wait a minute!

Why are you looking at me?

Yeah.

Aww!

Hey, Leo, mind if I sit down?

Hey, come on, honey. Get lost. Hey, look I traveled 3,000 miles to talk to you.

I been sleepin' in barns and eatin' bananas. Now you gotta listen to me.

I'm listening. Okay. My name is Sabrina Lampone.

Lampone? That's right. Uncle Vito is my uncle.

Uh, you did some time with him up at "the Q."

Did we? Oh, please, come on. I don't have time for this.

I'm in a lot of trouble back in New York.

What kind of trouble? Well, the kind that don't get fixed so easy.

There was this union pension plan that I was in charge of.

A lot of money, and it was missing... I don't know how it got lost.

Uncle Vito thought maybe it would be a

little more healthier for me if I left there,

being that such I'm a delicate girl and all.

What does that got to do with me?

Well, Uncle Vito thought that I could use a little vacation, you know what I mean?

Get a little rest, and, uh, he highly recommended your, uh... your travel agency.

He did, huh? Yeah, he did.

I hear Rio is real lovely this time of the year.

Just the place for somebody trying to get away from it all.

- Yeah, like me. - Overhead is really way up.

How much? We got to get you some traveling clothes and a passport.

Okay. Yeah, look, you don't have to worry about the money, because I...

Well, you know, I recently came into a whole lot of cash.

Oh, yeah. What you got in there?

Just my dirty clothes, that's all.

You don't have to worry about it. You will get your money, okay?

Okay, I got to check first.

It should be okay. It's going to cost you 50,000.

Cash up front.

Fifty? Pretty steep.

Honey, this is a deluxe store.

Okay, I got about 10 grand in here.

Uncle Vito will be very, very appreciative.

- What name do you want on your passport? - Duncan.

I'll use my first name, Sabrina, and I'll use Duncan, Sabrina Duncan.

Sounds good. Now listen. Listen carefully.

Southern Queen sails Friday morning at 7:00.

Southern Queen at 7:00.

Be on time.

For sure. Okay, uh, look, um, I'm gonna get outta here now, and, uh,

I just wanna tell ya how much I appreciate it, and, uh, thanks a lot for lunch.

Leo's not the head man. There is somebody else in charge.

Well, I tell you this. If he does any checking,

Charlie has fixed it so he will find rumors of a big pension swindle...

circulating in the New York underworld,

and the name Lampone will figure prominently.

And also, Captain McGuire has pulled a few strings.

Oh, well, it was my pleasure.

They'll no longer let me weigh anchor, but

they will still allow me pull a few strings.

How do you like my new activities director? She'll be ready.

She'll also have shoulders like Joan Crawford if she keeps this up.

That was the dress.

Just exactly what will she be directing, Captain?

Well... since we call this our "swinging singles" cruise...

Well, you can take it from there.

Oh, well, that's very interesting.

Ah, Bosley will love the "swinging singles" cruise. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

That is, if he gets a new tie. New tie?

Yes, Bosley. Not polka dots.

You see, you want to look sharp.

What's the matter with polka dots?

Well... I guess there's nothing more for me to do...

but to wish you all good luck... Oh.

And bon voyage.

Thanks. I really like polka dots.

Oh, Bosley. I think they're very sharp.

Hello, uh, Duncan, Miss S. Duncan.

Oh, hello. I'm Kelly Garrett, your activities director.

Oh, activities director. Well, you look very nice.

Uh, Miss Duncan, you're in stateroom F-139. Yeah.

The steward will show you the way.

A steward? Great, great. Which way? Oh. This way, please.

Uh, this way. This way? Great.

Good morning.

Sunstroke. I beg your pardon?

Sunstroke. Did you see the complexion?

Whoa. Keep an eye on him. Oh.

Okay.

Oh, Kelly, this is Doc Harris, the ship's doctor.

He's a good man to know. Hi.

I'm a good man to know if you like gin.

We can either play it or drink it. It's your choice.

How about some free medical advice? Oh, sure, anytime.

It'll be worth the price too.

Hi.

Heart palpitations. See that hypertension?

I keep a mental list of all my potential patients.

Well, with any luck, she'll have her breakdown after we get her home.

Do you detect any signs of stress in me, Doctor?

Oh, no. You're fine.

But when you're around, I have a few problems.

I like this crew, don't you, Ben?

I wished they all looked like that.

Visit my dispensary... anytime. Okay.

Kelly, you better get to your desk.

The sports nuts will be lining up for equipment even as we speak.

Okay. I'll see you later. Bye.

Uh, welcome to the Southern Queen.

Forget the Queen, honey.

Where's the king?

Are you all right?

Yes, I think so. Thank you.

Well, good. You weren't on my list of potential patients.

I don't understand it.

How could that have fallen?

- I don't understand it either. - Doc!

She's all right, Captain.

So I checked with Bree, and Leo was with her when that equipment fell.

So somebody else cut it loose. Huh. The captain was nearby,

and so was Doc Harris and some others.

Well, nobody's supposed to know who you are. Something's gone wrong.

I guess so. It was definitely not an accident.

That rope was cut. Well, I... I suggest a new game plan then,

and you be careful.

Ah. There's a musician by the name of Mark Correll playing in the lounge.

He was on board when Lisa Blake disappeared.

Okay, I'll check him out right now. All righty.

♪♪

No, no, no. Hold it, hold it, hold it, gentlemen. ♪♪

The first instrument to finish doesn't win a prize.

This is not a race, you see.

Now let's try it one more time from the...

Well, forget that. Take a break.

Euterpe.

I what? Euterpe.

She was one of the nine muses.

Goddess of music... and lyric poetry.

You remind me of her.

Let's see. There you are.

Well, that's terrific. Thank you.

It's even better than the other one.

The other one? What other one? You don't remember.

Well, no, no, no. Sure, I do. Now, just give me a second. It'll come.

That's very disappointing, you know.

I saw that you were on the ship and I thought that we could...

Well, we can. We can.

Well, if it wasn't that memorable the first time... But it was...

You just, uh... You caught me at a bad time.

I'm breakin' in a... a new group over there, and...

it's always kind of a pain. Oh, what happened to the old group?

Well, you know, they don't pay that much bread on these cruises,

and once the novelty of being on a ship

wears off, well, you know, they kinda split.

Hmm. The novelty hasn't worn out for you though.

No, I like the sea air.

Good. Maybe it'll refresh your memory.

Uh, right around to the left. Okay.

Hi, can I help you? I wanted to play Ping-Pong.

Well, you've come to the right spot.

Well, I don't... I don't have anyone on the ship to play with.

I mean, I don't know anyone. Oh, well, this is a singles cruise.

You shouldn't have any trouble meeting people.

But everyone is so young.

Hey, don't sell yourself short. You look terrific.

Oh, thank you. I wasn't sure what to wear.

Oh, this is your first cruise?

It's my first everything for a long time.

You see, I, um...

Well, I lost my husband just last year.

I guess I'm a little out of practice.

Well, let's see what we can do about that. What is your name?

Oh, Joan. Joan Sayers.

Joan, you're about to have the greatest Ping-Pong game of your life. Come on.

Oh. Let's go over here a minute.

Mr. Bosley? Oh, yes.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Uh, John Bosley, Joan Sayers.

Oh, how do you do? Hello, Mr. Bosley.

I'm afraid we don't have a golf course on board.

- How's your Ping-Pong? - Oh, well, pretty good.

As a matter of fact, my freshman year in college,

I was known as the sultan of slam.

- It's all in the wrist. - I'm afraid I'm really not very good.

Oh, don't worry about that. It would be my pleasure. I'd love to teach you.

Well, thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Okay, now try and look refined.

Oh, come on. You know what I mean.

Hey, wait a minute. Sabrina Lampone might have chewed gum,

but Sabrina Duncan does not, right?

I put it on the roof of my mouth.

Okay.

21-4. My game again, I think. That's right.

You know, John, I find Ping-Pong very exhilarating, don't you?

Oh, yes, very exhilarating. As a matter of fact,

so much so, that I would love a cold drink.

How about you? Uh, one more quick game, huh?

No, no, no. Not until I recharge my batteries.

All right. Thank you. I would love a drink.

Say, tell me. Was your husband an athlete?

Les? Oh, Les, was a dear, but, uh, he hated to lose.

Oh. Well, Joan, I will be happy to lose to you anytime.

Thank you very much.

Miss Garrett? We haven't met. I'm Captain Brunner.

You run a beautiful ship, Captain.

- Yes. Well, I've always thought so. - Is something the matter?

You know, I've been skipper of the Southern Queen for over a year now,

and my ability to command has never been questioned before.

Well, I don't understand.

Jack McGuire should have come to me first, before he hired a detective.

What did he tell you?

You're here to investigate Lisa Blake's death.

Now, I handed in my report. The girl was hysterical and confused.

Her death was very sad, but it was an accident.

There seem to be a lot of accidents on this ship.

A piece of heavy equipment almost fell on me, Captain.

Accidents happen to people who are accident prone, Miss Garrett.

That woman's death had nothing whatsoever to do with me or my ship.

I see.

♪♪

♪♪ Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

We're going to take a short break. Be back in about 15. Thank you.

Hi. Hi.

- Buy you a drink? - I have one, thank you.

Have another.

For old times' sake.

You remembered?

Of course. I never forgot.

You knew that.

The little bar at the end of the pier.

Right.

And then it rained.

It was beautiful.

Where was it?

Tip-Top Club, Saginaw, right?

Ahh! Wrong.

Wrong. Where?

Kelly? Oh, hi.

Hey, you don't have to do that. One of the deck crew will take care of those.

Your job is fun and games, remember? Fun and games, huh?

Would you please tell my feet that?

Oh, here, somebody left this at the desk for you.

I'll bet it's your first fan letter or, uh,

maybe a marriage proposal?

It's a proposal, all right. I'm not sure marriage goes along with it.

Yeah, I'll bet you get a lot of those.

How long have you been aboard the Queen, Ben?

Oh, Her Majesty and I have been acquainted for eight months.

Huh. Do you like it? One crisis after another?

Well, it's not bad. A big crisis is usually a severe case of sunburn.

Somebody told me a passenger on the last voyage fell overboard.

A young woman. Who told you that?

Well, is it true? Did she?

Yeah.

Look, Kelly, I don't know who told you that,

but Captain Brunner has given all of us strict orders not to talk about it.

So you'd better just stick to fun and games, okay? Okay.

Well, I'm still short costumes for the

party tomorrow night. So I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Pretty girl, huh?

Trying to make time, Ben? No.

I'm trying to find out why she's really aboard this ship.

Hi. Hi. Someone just sent me this.

"Lisa Blake did not fall overboard accidentally.

Boiler room, 9:00."

It could be one of the crew. They've been ordered not to talk by Captain Brunner.

It could also be a trap. I know. I'll be careful.

Okay.

It's already past 9:00. Kelly ought to be back by now.

Listen, if anybody stops us, we'll just say we're lost. Come on.

I'll get an extinguisher.

Kelly!

Kelly! Now put this around you.

Okay. Ready? Hold on to me. Let's go.

Oh, are you all right?

Are you okay?

Ooh.

Hiya. Uh-oh. What happened? Hi.

It's okay. Somebody tried to burn Kelly up in the boiler room.

You all right? Yeah.

It was a setup. Somebody poured fuel oil all over the floor.

Who gave you that note? Ben Anderson.

You know, this place is crawling with suspects.

Now, they just took my passport photo on the ship.

So that means the photographer's in on it too.

And you know what? Mark Correll is a terrific artist.

He does all these nice, little detailed sketches.

He could be doing the passport jobs.

You think you can get a look around his cabin?

I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

The problem is somebody's trying to kill Kelly,

and we've got to break this thing open and fast.

Yeah, Bosley's right. And I think maybe it's up to me.

- What are you gonna do? - Well, stir up a little trouble, see what happens.

This is not safe. I told you I would contact you.

Now, here's your passport. Look, a lot of good that's gonna do me,

if there are cops crawling all over this boat... Shh!

By the time we get to Rio. Cops?

What are you talking about? Somebody tried

to kill the activities director last night.

Yeah? I didn't hear anything about that.

Oh, yeah? You're the only one on the boat that didn't.

If it hadn't been for two passengers found her, she'd be dead.

- Is she a cop or what? - How do I know?

Look, Leo, I'm payin' you a lot of money to get away from the law,

and you're gonna put me in the middle of a murder case.

Tell you what, I don't trust you anymore, okay?

I don't deal with people that I don't trust.

Uncle Vito told me, go to the top man.

You're not bright enough and tough enough to be the top man.

You tell me who he is right now, 'cause I gotta talk to him, all right?

He doesn't do that. Now you listen.

You back out on our deal, and maybe you'll never get off this boat.

Don't you threaten me. Because the Lampone family has your name, okay?

Anything happens to me, you're in hot water up to here.

I tell you what, Leo, you tell the top man I wanna talk to him real soon.

Okay, Leo?

My first husband, Ernest, taught me how to shoot. Pull.

Pull.

Hey.

Oh. Hi, Doc. Do you want to check out a costume for tonight?

No, I don't need a costume, my dear.

I pretend to be sober. That's my guise. What about you?

No chance for Lady Godiva, I guess? No, I wouldn't count on it.

Hear you had a little scare in the boiler room.

Oh? Who told you that?

Ben Anderson. I think he's got his eye on you.

Now you be careful. I'm very jealous.

- Okay. - Let me take a look at that wrist.

Oh, it's nothing, really. It's fine.

What were you doing in the boiler room anyway?

You, uh, mechanically inclined?

No. Just nosy.

I think you'll live.

Take two aspirins and come to my room at midnight.

Hey. Hi, Doc.

Well, do you have any pirates left?

Yes, our last one.

Ah, I like that.

Arr! You're a good-looking one, Lucy.

John, I am having such a good time, I would be shipwrecked with you any day.

Thanks.

Where's that Garrett girl? I don't know where she is.

Well, you better find her.

I'm telling you, he's real angry.

Why? I'm gonna get her.

Why do I have to get her?

He wants her dead, that's why. No.

I don't like it! Why do we have to kill her?

Why can't we just split when we hit port?

Oh, sure, just run. That's real easy.

I don't like us killing people, especially broads.

And that was never part of the deal when we started out.

Oh, well, lover boy, I got news for you.

This Garrett broad? She is a detective. A detective?

Yeah, now you think about that. Terrific.

Oh, you can run all you want, but if they make a case,

they're going to find you sooner or later. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.

But I don't have to like it, right?

♪♪

Joan, uh, may I ask you a personal question? Of course.

Well, you've told me about Lester and Ernest.

Well, how many times have you been married?

Four.

You never married, John? No.

Never wanted to? Not for quite awhile.

Lately, uh...

Well, lately, uh, I find I just don't have much time for myself.

I mean, I have friends,

but I guess you could say I'm just much more married to my work.

What a shame.

None of my husbands were perfect,

but each one of them gave me something I needed.

Don't you miss having someone to come home to?

Well, I guess I haven't really thought about it... much.

Bree. Looks like Bosley's having a little romance on the high seas.

Bree, listen, I can't find Kelly. I overheard Correll and Leo.

- They plan on killing her tonight. - All right.

I'll go out the back way and meet you in Bosley's room. Hurry.

Okay.

Joan, look, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to leave for a little while.

Leave? Why?

Well, because, uh... Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.

It's a business matter, and I just have to take care of it.

It's rather confidential. But I promise you I'll be back just as soon as I can.

Will you trust me? Of course.

Then Correll is the one that's forging the passports?

Absolutely. His whole stateroom is a... is a printing shop.

Okay, we know there are four people involved:

there's Leo, Correll, the photographer...

and whoever's running the whole operation.

Where is Kelly? Where is she? I'm really getting worried. I've taken care of it.

I talked to a steward. I told him to send up the activities director immediately,

because my costume didn't fit. Good.

Oh, good, there she is. Ah.

Hi. Who are you?

The activities director. Aren't you coming to the masquerade?

Well, what, uh... What happened to the old one?

I guess she quit.

What did you want me for anyway?

Would you like to see my buried treasure?

No wonder she quit.

What is going on? Where's Kelly? I don't know. We better go look for her.

Okay, look, we got five decks to search.

Now let's just stay cool about it, all right? We need to find Leo and Correll.

Okay, that's a good idea. Wait a minute,

wait a minute though. Everybody's in costume.

Okay, wait a minute. Kelly told me what everybody would be wearing.

Uh, let's see, Leo's a cowboy, and Correll is Don Juan.

And the Captain is, um, Rip van Winkle.

All right, all right. Okay.

Captain Brunner is Rip van Winkle. Correll... Oh.

Correll is Don Juan.

♪♪

Correll is, uh, Don Juan.

Or is it, Correll, Rip van Winkle?

Uh, and Leo is, uh... uh...

Leo is the, uh, cow-cowgirl... uh, cowboy.

Uh, or is it...

Just stay put.

Who is it? Leo, Leo. Come on. Open up.

He wants to see her. He's at the pool deck waiting.

All right. Well, just take her, take her. I gotta get back on the bandstand.

He wants everybody there.

Not a sound from you. Get over there.

Who is it? Euterpe.

Hi. Hi.

How's your memory tonight?

I don't really have time to play memory games tonight. I'm kinda busy.

Oh. You got company?

No, no. I just have to finish dressing, go to work, pound the old piano keys.

How about I meet you later at the bar when I'm finished, huh?

For old times' sake? Yeah, for old times' sake. See you later?

Hmm.

Maybe.

♪♪

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Bosley.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were somebody else.

What's the matter? Kris? Bosley, come here. I think I found Kelly.

Where? Come on.

Excuse me. Move out.

This thing is giving me a heck of a headache.

They were just here a minute ago.

Come on. They couldn't have gone far.

Remember, honey, this gun is for real.

Here she is.

I hate to tell you this, my dear...

Doc.

I don't understand.

You have a terminal case of nosiness.

So you might consider what I have to do a mercy killing.

Why? Why do I find myself in this awkward position?

My motive was dreary and unexceptional: greed.

I have to retire.

All these glistening bodies lying about the pool,

gleaming like sardines.

Why should they live in indolent luxury while

I end up with little more than varicose veins?

- How did you know it was me? - Captain Brunner told me.

He trusts me like a brother. He's a very good man,

but he's a little slow.

You'll never get away with this. No one's gonna believe another accident.

Oh, no? You don't think so?

Try this for size:

Our lovely young activities director has too much to drink...

and falls into the pool.

Because of her inebriated condition, the poor thing drowns,

despite of the best efforts of five eyewitnesses.

No, let's make that six.

Go get that Lampone girl.

We'll make her a part of this, then we'll own her.

Oh!

Ooh, watch it.

All right, uh, Brunner is Don Juan, and, uh...

No. Oh, no, no. He's Rip van Winkle.

Right. And, uh, what's his name...

Correll. Correll. Correll is Don Juan.

Okay, you got it, Bosley? Yeah, yeah. I think so.

Leo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's me.

Listen, the man wants to see you, but he wants a favor.

We've got to get rid of that broad that you were worried about.

You were right.

She is a detective, and he wants you to be part of the cover.

Okay. Where are they? Pool deck.

Come on. Let's go. Ah-ah-ah, shh. Leo.

What? Look straight ahead. Don't look at me.

How do you know she's working alone? How do

you know there's not someone working with her?

Ah-ah-ah. Move.

Move.

Where is that imbecile?

Well, my dear, we might as well get started.

Correll, get that pole.

Hold it, Leo!

Bosley, is that you? Sabrina!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bree, where's Leo?

He's in the freezer. Come on. Huh?

Medical science has been fascinated...

by how long some people can hold their breath underwater.

Well, what happened? Where's the Lampone girl?

What is this? I guess you've got me confused with somebody else.

Hi.

Hey!

Bosley!

Let's go. Go on, go on.

I'll take that. No, John, please.

I'm sorry.

No.

Have you two been introduced?

Meet Joan Kendall.

She buried four husbands before the cops caught on.

I'm transporting her to South America for a fat fee.

I thought of marrying her myself.

I always like to live dangerously.

No.

I'm sorry.

What I don't understand is why Doc Harris got mixed up in something so rotten.

Well, maybe giving all those sugar pills...

to all those dowagers drove him a little bonkers.

Yeah, and the good doctor was real happy to talk about his little setup.

Thanks to that ego, the police are on the trail of Thatcher...

and all the other fugitives he's helped to escape.

Good job, Angels, Bosley. Thanks, Charlie.

Bos, I'm sorry about Joan.

We all are, you know.

But four husbands?

Yeah.

Well, I guess she, uh,

ping-ponged them all to death.

Now that's our Bosley.

Uh, now that that case is closed,

I'd like to discuss another one. Sorry, Charlie, we can't.

I don't understand. Well, we have a lunch date... a very important one.

That's right, we're gonna cheer up an old friend.

Bosley... Charlie, I'm being kidnapped, but don't try to save me.