Original subtitles

Once upon a time,

there were three little girls who went to the police academy,

two in Los Angeles...

the other, in San Francisco,

and they were each assigned very hazardous duties...

but I took them away from all that,

and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

Are you all right?

Cops.

Now what do we do?

One ding in it, pal, no tip.

That's him.

It's the same license.

Hey, you're, uh, Sue Kantrelle's husband,

aren't you?

Back home it was Susan.

Now it is Sue.

The times are sure changing.

What'll you have?

Bourbon, straight.

You got it.

Mr. Kantrelle?

We'd like to talk to you for...

for a moment outside, if we could.

Well, who are you?

Can't we discuss that outside?

Sorry.

I've gotta hang in here.

My wife's about to make her singing debut.

Believe me, it's important.

Well, so is this.

She'll have my hide if I walk out on...

Just get up and walk slow... please.

Get in.

Hey, look, I'm not getting...

Going anywhere

unless you guys tell me what this is all about.

We'll tell you in the car.

Tell me now!

Now, the last one to see Larry Kantrelle

was the club parking attendant,

who went to get his dump truck.

Dump truck?

Larry sells sand and gravel for a living.

Mrs. Kantrelle, you have no idea

where your husband might have gone?

No.

We have been having some problems lately

and Larry gets mad a lot

and then he walks out,

but he always cools off in an hour or two

and then he comes right back.

Mrs. Kantrelle,

have you called friends or relatives?

You know,

sometimes angry husbands take refuge

in places like that.

Yes.

I have called everyone I could think of,

and no one has seen or heard from Larry.

It's okay.

Did you check the hospitals and talk to the police?

Yes.

Larry gets a little wild sometimes,

and hurtful, but I love him,

and I know that he loves me.

Oh, if I don't hear from him soon,

I just know I'm gonna go a little bit crazy.

Mrs. Kantrelle brought

some pictures of her husband.

Thanks, Bos.

Your husband's very attractive,

Mrs. Kantrelle.

Yes. Yes, you are not the first one

to notice that.

Larry has a... way with women,

if you know what I mean.

Well, try not to worry, Mrs. Kantrelle.

When it comes to finding missing persons,

we've got a pretty fair batting average.

Charlie, what is that sound?

Oh, that's

an East Indian stringed instrument

called a sitar, and since Mrs. Kantrelle

is a musician, it reminded me,

I've been meaning

to broaden my cultural horizons.

Charlie,

you're learning how to play the sitar?

I hadn't thought of that,

but what a marvelous idea, Kris.

Thank you.

Well, good luck, Angels.

What?

Grasshopper, right?

Scotch, rocks.

You look like the grasshopper type.

No, I rarely drink anything green.

Do me a favor?

I thought you'd never ask.

I'm looking for a man.

I'll join a gym,

I'll lose weight, I'll dye my hair,

I'll stand on a box.

What else do you want?

Well, I have somebody in particular

in mind.

What can he do that I can't do?

He disappears.

His name's Kantrelle. Larry. His wife sings here.

Not yet, she hasn't. She was supposed to start yesterday,

but he walked out on her

and she got very upset and split.

Hmm. Listen, when he walked out,

what kind of shape was he in?

He seemed all right.

He left with two guys who came in for him.

These two guys,

do you remember what they looked like?

Well, one...

one was dark-haired and walked with a limp,

like he tripped over his own nose.

The other guy was red-headed and, uh...

big type.

Did Larry know these two guys?

He didn't seem too thrilled to be with them.

Thanks.

I never let a lady pay for her drink on a Tuesday.

But it's Monday.

So, I'll see you tomorrow?

You know something?

You don't need a box to stand on at all.

Maybe you're right.

I feel taller already.

Oh...

Townsend Agency!

Bosley, why are you shouting?

Was I shouting?

Can't you hear yourself?

Oh, well, yes... I suppose...

Yes, I guess I was.

Good. Already we've accomplished something.

Come in.

Is there any word yet

as to Kantrelle's whereabouts?

Uh, Kantrelle? No, nothing yet, Charlie.

It's open! It is open!

You're shouting again, Bosley.

Yes, I know.

Charlie, I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm a little agitated.

Why are you agitated?

Because, Charlie,

I am stuck here in the office

with a lot of paperwork

and I hate... paperwork.

Here's Mrs. Chicken.

What's that?

It's just my lunch, Charlie.

What can I help you with?

There's a friend of mine at police headquarters.

He's head of Missing Persons.

I want you to call him. Tell him what we're doing.

There's always an outside chance

he could help us.

Legs, right?

Breasts.

His name is Paul Erewitz.

Lieutenant Paul Erewitz.

But it says legs here.

Breasts.

How do you spell that, Charlie?

Erewitz.

E-R-E... Whoops.

Hold it, Charlie.

Now, what is wrong now?

I broke another pencil.

This is getting to be

a very expensive conversation.

Nope. It says legs.

You get legs.

I ordered breasts.

B-R-E... No, Bosley.

E-R-E.

Just a minute.

Excuse me, Charlie.

I am talking to Mrs. Chicken.

What was that?

Uh, there is a young lady

standing here in the front of my desk

with a chicken on the top of her head.

Did you say a chicken on her head?

Yes. It's my lunch.

Your lunch?

Look, look, I'll tell you what, Bosley.

I'll call Lieutenant Erewitz.

You get some rest.

Here, please.

Aha. Right here.

John Bosley, Townsend Agency... Breasts.

Oh, gee.

Well, uh... guess what?

You have no breasts?

I gave them to the cobbler on Pico Boulevard,

so try the legs.

Did you get the ammonia?

Yeah.

How's he doing?

He started to come around,

then he folded again.

Maybe we should take him to the hospital.

That's brilliant.

That is really brilliant.

They get him conscious, he screams for a cop,

and we're out five million.

You wake up. Wake up, man.

Come on, Kantrelle.

Take it easy.

Come on.

Hey, you know what I think?

I think we should get a hold of his wife.

She might know something.

All I know is that I want him back.

Don't ask me why.

Ever since we left North Carolina

and moved to the big city,

he has been 10 miles of bad road.

Culture shock?

Ego shock.

You see, back there,

I used to sing hillbilly songs

in beer taverns.

I don't know.

I never got very much attention.

And now you do?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

My little career

is just something to help me keep my head straight.

Larry just doesn't see it that way.

Country boy kind of jealous of his city wife, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, when this country boy gets green-eyed,

he can get mighty difficult to live with.

Full of cute, little tricks to embarrass me.

Like driving his dump truck to your opening?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, when he pulls stunts like that...

I don't know

whether to spank him or make love to him.

Yeah.

Oh. Uh...

Listen, I really am in no shape for visitors.

I'll tell you what.

You just go back in the bedroom

and I'll, uh... I'll get rid of them, okay?

Thank you.

Hello.

Mrs. Kantrelle?

Uh, no. I'm sorry.

She's not here right now.

I think I'm looking at her right now.

Kelly! Kelly!

Kelly!

Check on her.

Okay.

Let's get out of here.

Whoa.

Lost them. You okay?

Can you die from a hit on the crazybone?

I don't think so.

Can you go crazy?

You probably could.

What happened?

Well, Mrs. Kantrelle

just got a couple of visitors.

What do you mean?

Well, evidently

they saw Kelly playing your guitar

and they thought she was you.

Well, what did they want?

Well, you figure that one,

we could probably find your husband.

I do not see how this is going to work.

Sue, you have to have

a little confidence in us.

Now, they think Kelly is you.

We want them to keep on thinking that.

Yeah, but who are those two?

Well, the bartender at the club said that Larry left there

with a red-haired man and a man with a limp.

Now, that sounds like our two friends

that tried to get in here.

Exactly.

Okay, fine, but why did they come here?

I mean, what did they want with me?

That's what we're going to find out,

Mrs. Kantrelle.

When and if they make another move for you...

Me... we'll be ready.

Meanwhile, we'll put you in a hotel,

out of sight and safe.

Bye.

Listen, I love my husband.

I just want him back.

Look, you just try not to worry about it,

and we'll let you know as soon as we get anything, okay?

Be back in an hour.

All right. Bye-bye.

Phew.

That's it.

Okay, how do we play it?

Well, you're going to be Sue Kantrelle

here and at the restaurant.

Now, if they try to grab you, we grab them.

Bosley will be close by to protect you,

and we'll work it out with the restaurant owner.

With my singing,

I'm going to need more than Bosley to protect me.

Hey, wait a minute. You told me you were lead alto in glee club.

Listen, as an alto in glee club, I was fair,

but as a torch singer in a supper club,

no way.

What is your vocal range?

Poor to awful.

I got it.

What we need here, you see, is the right dress.

There's a direct correlation

between a woman's chest and a man's ears.

I have not heard this theory before.

I haven't either.

Well, you see,

the lower the neckline, the more tone deaf they are.

Oh, that is very tacky.

I should not have asked.

Yeah.

Okay, so much for me being a decoy.

What do we do in the meantime?

Well, I think we should trace

all of Larry Kantrelle's movements

on the morning he disappeared.

Okay. Where do we start?

We start at the beginning.

We start where he started.

At work.

Let's go.

Okay.

Here it is.

Kamikaze Kantrelle's delivery sheet.

Kamikaze Kantrelle?

Yeah, well,

we give each other nicknames here.

My name is John Black.

They call me Blackjack.

John, Jack... John Black.

Because I'm 21 years old.

Ah.

Twenty-one. Blackjack. Get it?

Yeah, we got it.

Oh, you like to gamble, do you?

Doesn't everybody?

You win at it?

What?

Blackjack.

I play the horses.

Oh, good.

No good.

I lose.

Well, nobody's perfect.

You're about the closest I've seen.

I'll bet you want to know

why we nicknamed Kantrelle "Kamikaze."

He's a mind-reader.

Because he's killing himself.

Killing himself how?

The best way.

I'm sorry.

Uh, you lost me.

Well, when Kantrelle services

some of his customers,

he really gets involved.

Do you follow?

No, not completely.

Look at this.

Mrs. Harriet Cole, nine yards of gravel.

Mrs. Jefferson Tate,

10 cubic yards of top soil.

Mrs. Nancy Coleman,

10 cubic yards of top soil.

Are you trying to tell us

that Kamikaze brings more to these relationships

than mere earth?

She's getting the picture.

Well, it sounds like Mr. Kantrelle's

quite a fella.

There's one that's not on the list.

Rosie.

Rosie?

A place he eats breakfast every morning.

Rosie's Chili.

But not to him.

Right on.

Blackjack, you're a card.

Any time.

Good luck.

Well, what do you think?

I think it could be a jealous boyfriend

or a husband.

Or both.

Mm-hmm.

Who do you want?

I'm going to take Mrs. Nancy Coleman. Okay?

Okay. I'll take Rosie. I love chili.

Beans, beans... Would you stop?

Hello.

Hi.

Nice tractor.

What?

I said, I like your tractor.

Model A-11.

Special transmission I put in.

Handy.

Um, listen, could we, uh...

could we talk a minute?

About the tractor?

No.

About Larry Kantrelle.

Don't know anyone by that name.

Well, that's funny.

He dumped that pile of dirt here

yesterday morning.

Who are you

and what have you got to do with Larry?

Oh, it's, uh... it's "Larry," is it?

Just get to the point.

Well, the point is, he's disappeared.

Who says?

Uh... I think I just said it.

And where do you fit in to this?

Well, Mrs. Kantrelle hired me to find her husband,

and since you and Larry are more than, uh...

just friends...

Lady, you got the wrong information.

I don't think so, Mrs. Coleman.

It is "Mrs." Coleman, isn't it?

Right. "Mrs."

Is your husband on the premises?

He's out of town for a few days.

The National Wrist Wrestling Championship.

He's in the finals.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

He almost broke my arm making me practice with him.

Big gorilla.

No, no, I mean, you sure he's out of town?

You saying he ain't?

No, no, no.

I'm just saying that, um...

that if you and Larry are more than friends,

and your husband's the jealous type...

Look, he doesn't know anything about me and Larry,

unless, of course, you've been blabbing your mouth.

No, no, no.

I've never met your husband.

Now, there were a couple of pretty rough guys

at Larry's apartment, but...

You keep messing into my business,

you could get me in big trouble.

Your gorilla gets a little mean?

More than mean.

Sounds like you're living dangerously.

So are you.

I got to get back to work.

Right.

Uh, thank you.

Uh, nice talking to you.

That was just a warning.

Don't come around here again.

You know what?

I take it back.

I don't like your tractor at all.

Hi.

Hi. I'll have coffee.

Bottom of the pot.

It's a sure wake-up.

Ew. Do you have tea?

Only in a bag.

I'll adjust.

I'm looking for a mutual friend of ours.

Larry Kantrelle.

So am I.

He didn't show up here this morning.

Well, that's just it.

He hasn't shown up anywhere.

Larry a friend of yours?

Well, one of his many, if you know what I mean.

Yeah.

I think you do.

Yeah, that Larry, he's an original.

Sure is.

You know, I'm a little bit worried about him.

Was he okay when you saw him yesterday?

Oh, he was fine.

Mad as hell, but he was fine.

What was he mad about?

Just as he drives in,

some dummy in a Toyota runs into a Caddy

and causes a traffic jam,

so Larry can't get the truck parked,

then the cops keep him out there

answering all sorts of questions,

because he's a witness.

I open at six,

and I close every morning from 9:30 to 10

for Larry... when he shows up.

Ah.

You mean, he comes here for more than breakfast?

Well, that's all he had time for yesterday.

Oh, because of the accident?

Boy, was he ticked off.

Roger saw the whole thing

from his dress shop across the street.

The whole thing was very odd.

Odd?

Well, this man in that Caddy threw something.

Threw something? What?

Well, it was a brown,

square-shaped sort of a package.

I was putting this dynamite new pantsuit

in the window and I really

wasn't paying that much attention.

How many people were in this Caddy?

Well, I couldn't really tell.

I just got a glimpse of the red-headed man

who did the throwing.

This red-haired man, where did he throw this package?

Um... it was toward the back of the truck,

but I'm not sure.

I was concentrating on that new outfit.

You know, you would look smashing in it.

It's gray corduroy

and it has this plunging neckline.

Excuse me.

Did Larry see this man throw this package?

Well, as I recall, it went right over Larry's head,

but most things do,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, Roger... okay, one more question.

Do you think this package

could have gone into Larry's truck?

Well, I guess it could have.

Roger, you're a prince.

Thanks.

Listen, what about the pantsuit?

Oh, you'll look terrific in it.

While Larry Kantrelle was dealing with the accident,

a red-haired man in the Caddy

threw a brown package of some sort

into the truck.

On purpose?

I think so.

What for?

To hide it, maybe?

From who?

The police who were at the accident?

It's possible.

Now, the man with the limp

who left here with Larry

tried to grab Sue Kantrelle.

The man with him was a redhead.

Okay, thanks, Charlie.

Well, Charlie checked the accident report

on the Caddy and Toyota.

The Caddy was a renter under assumed names.

They found it about two hours ago.

Huh. I wonder

why I'm not surprised to hear that.

Me either.

Dare I suggest that we're making progress?

Suggest it over a drink.

I've got to go get ready for my debut.

Are you nervous?

Oh, yes!

That broad with Kantrelle's wife,

she's the same one

who was with her in the apartment.

She sees you, she's going to start screaming.

You two'll have to handle it without me.

You better move now,

before the musicians get here.

Hey, you remembered Tuesday.

Hi.

Scotch, rocks.

I love a man that doesn't forget.

Well, I guess I'll go get ready now.

Listen, be sure

to lock your dressing room door

and I'll be back in a minute.

Okay.

Don't be nervous.

Grasshopper?

Good idea.

See?

Sometime I could be right.

You're a giant among men.

I'll have a straight bourbon.

Okay.

What do we have?

We've got Kantrelle leaving Rosie's

with a load of soil

and a package he might not know he has.

He goes to Nancy Coleman's ranch,

he dumps the soil and the package.

And then I mention Larry Kantrelle to Mrs. Coleman

and she tries to drive her tractor up my back

and dump her shovel on my head.

Question is, why?

I mean, is she scared

that her husband's going to find out

she's playing around with Kamikaze Kantrelle,

or does this have something to do

with the package?

Maybe you ought to go back

to Mrs. Coleman's farm,

take a look at that pile of dirt.

Me? No way.

I will not go back there until we know what's going on,

I have a search warrant or something.

The lady will shoot me for trespassing.

Happy times.

Oh, yes.

Well, I think I'll go check

and see how Kelly's nerves are holding up.

Tell her to break a leg.

Hmm?

That's an old show-biz term.

I'll tell you... I'll tell you...

I'll just tell her myself, Bos.

Oh, okay.

See you.

Well, uh... to good health.

Right.

Two clinks.

Okay, thank you.

Who is it?

It is I, your most ardent admirer.

Just a minute.

Regular guys can't make it.

We're just sitting in for them.

Ta-da!

Ah, Mrs. Kantrelle. You have never looked so...

It's okay. She fainted.

Give her a little air.

Hey, you got your backstage excitement.

Bosley!

Bosley, are you okay?

Kelly... Back way.

Got to be the back way.

Would you move it?

Would you move it?

Get out of the way!

Come on, get out of the way!

Will you get out of the way?

Forget it. Forget it.

Forget it, forget it. Forget it.

Can you describe them?

I never really saw them.

Did you get the license number?

No.

The curly-haired man,

the one the bartender said had the limp,

left here with Larry Kantrelle,

and then he tries

to get into Mrs. Kantrelle's apartment.

With a red-headed man.

And there was a red-headed man in the Cadillac

who threw the package into Kantrelle's truck.

It all makes sense, but what does it add up to?

Well, we know that they rented the Caddy

under a phony name, then they abandoned it.

Yeah?

Well, maybe something in the package was stolen.

It's a possibility.

It's about the only thing we've got to go on.

Well, we'd better

come up with some answers fast,

because when they find out

that they've got the wrong Mrs. Kantrelle.

Kelly's as good as dead.

Yeah. Let's go.

How are you doing?

Bad?

You're saying

your husband never saw the package?

Look, if he did,

I don't remember him mentioning it.

Why don't you tell me what was in it

and maybe I can help you figure out where it is.

There was five million in diamonds in it.

Five million?

Hey, wait a minute.

The Consolidated heist.

She reads the papers.

Very smooth operation.

You fellas are very good.

It's all in the planning, lady.

This one took two years.

I get it.

You got into that freak accident with the Toyota.

The police came to ask questions,

and you had to dump the package in Larry's truck.

Now you'd better figure out where it is,

or you and the country boy

are gonna pay for it out of your hides,

and from what I can see, you're about

four and a half million short.

Here. Drink this.

Who are you?

How about where am I?

When did he come around?

Just now.

Okay, country boy. Okay.

Let's get to the bottom line quick, huh?

You either tell me where the diamonds are,

or your pretty little wife here

is going to start picking up some bruises.

What the devil are you talking about?

Honey, listen to me.

When you had the accident outside Rosie's,

they threw a package into your truck.

It was full of diamonds.

Who are... It doesn't matter who they are.

I'm your wife, and I love you,

and you better listen carefully

to what I have to say,

or we're both in big trouble.

Do you understand what I'm telling you?

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Good.

Now, after you left Rosie's, do you remember where you dumped

the soil you were carrying?

Yeah, I remember.

Good. Just keep remembering and don't tell them.

If we're going to get out of this

still breathing, don't tell them.

What's you trying to pull?

It's called surviving, friend.

You want back your diamonds, fine.

We'll go for them together.

I'm not taking you anywhere, lady.

You're gonna tell me where they are,

and you're gonna tell me now.

So you can put a bullet in us? No deal, friend.

You want to get back all the pretty rocks,

then we'll go for them together,

and when we get there, we'll negotiate.

How'd you like for me to start taking him apart,

piece by piece?

It seems to me you take one more piece of him

and he won't be in any shape to tell you anything.

Okay.

Okay, lady.

We'll play it your way,

but if you come up sorry and short,

you're dead.

In fact, you're both dead.

Larry, what are you doing here?

Who are all these people?

Hello, Nancy.

What we need to do, lady,

won't take long if we don't play any head games, all right?

Who's he? What's he talking about?

We've just come to get something that belongs to us, that's all.

I think you better do what he says, Nancy.

Well, hey, what is this?

Nancy!

What are they doing?

You've heard of the good guys and the bad guys?

Yeah, I made some of them what they are.

I'll bet you did.

Anyway, these are the bad guys.

They ripped off some diamonds,

which accidentally got thrown

into Larry's truck,

and then got dumped here.

Diamonds?

Five million dollars' worth.

In that pile of dirt?

That's right.

Who is this crazy broad?

Uh...

my wife.

Your wife?

You told me your wife was dumb and fat.

Well, uh... she, uh...

Every time he has a lady customer,

he tells them I'm dumb and fat.

How many customers you got, Larry?

Well, Nancy, uh... Dozens.

I guess he said he was going to marry you.

How'd you know that?

I know my Larry.

What are you doing?

Look, why don't you people just...

just shut up for awhile, huh?

Whose truck is that?

Uh, George Keller. My neighbor.

Get rid of him.

Well, good morning.

Howdy.

Hi.

What are you doing in George's truck?

Oh, well, George sold us the truck.

We bought the farm, too.

We're your new neighbors.

Hey, what are you fellas doing?

All right, neighbor. Back off! Back off!

Forget it!

Move down.

Come on, come on.

Well, sparkle, sparkle...

Whoa.

Whew.

Sort of makes you

want to hum The Wedding March.

Not anymore, it doesn't.

Sabrina, how could you be sure that Kelly and Kantrelle

would go to Nancy Coleman's farm?

Well, we checked all of Kantrelle's other stops first,

and then we figured that Nancy Coleman's farm

was the only logical place we could hope to connect.

And we couldn't just drive in there

with our faces hanging out,

so we borrowed the neighbor's truck and clothes.

I see.

I understand that Sue Kantrelle

finally opened at the Supper Club

and was an instant hit.

That's right, Charlie.

She was a smash.

Everybody loved her,

and Larry was front row center

leading the applause.

Good. Sounds like their marriage

is on the mend.

Well, Larry better keep his home fires burning,

or he's going to be spending all his nights

with his dump truck.

Uh, Charlie,

now, that music that I'm hearing,

how are your lessons coming on the sitar?

Oh, quite well, Sabrina.

You know,

it's an extremely personal experience.

It demands a very careful touch,

very delicate fingering.

Charlie,

it sounds like you're really grasping it.

I think I am, Kris,

and tomorrow, I actually get

to pick up the instrument.

If he hadn't picked up the instrument,

what has he been doing?

Strike the question.

Oh, no.