Original subtitles

Once upon a time,

there were three little girls who went to the police academy,

two in Los Angeles...

the other in San Francisco,

and they were each assigned very hazardous duties...

but I took them away from all that,

and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

Okay, Ellen.

The concept is still the same

as when you did it on stage.

The lady you're talking about is yourself.

Your marriage has ended

and you're looking for that part of yourself

that you feel you've lost, that you feel

your husband has taken away.

Okay?

Okay, go through the routine

as you rehearsed it,

and I'll figure the camera positions.

♪ Where is my lady? ♪

♪ Oh, how I need her today ♪

♪ Did I put her In uncaring hands ♪

♪ And send her away? ♪

♪ Where is my lady? ♪

♪ We were an elegant pair ♪

♪ I loved the sound Of her laughter ♪

♪ I loved Her elegant flair ♪

♪ I can see ♪

♪ She's not part of me ♪

♪ If it must be told ♪

♪ Love has made her ♪

♪ Bitter and cold ♪

♪ I need my lady ♪

♪ Without her ♪

♪ There's nothing of me ♪

♪ And any fool Could see... ♪

♪ Get her back in my life ♪

♪ And life Is a natural high... ♪

♪ Without my lady ♪

♪ Where are we? ♪

♪ What are we? ♪

♪ Who am I? ♪♪

Yeah.

Are you saying that someone

deliberately tried to kill you, Mrs. Jason?

Unless the rumors are true and that stage really is jinxed.

Jinxed?

When I rented the facility, I...

I heard talk around the studio.

Norma Freidrick had been killed in a fall

when she was making a picture there.

Excuse me.

Wasn't Norma Freidrick

a big musical-comedy star?

Didn't she die, what, 15 years ago?

That was near the end of the film musical era.

The studio shut down the stage and used it for storage.

About five years ago, they reopened it,

and rented it

to a small independent film company.

There was... there was another accident.

A scaffolding collapsed, a man was injured.

Mrs. Jason,

putting the jinxed theory aside for the moment,

can you think of anyone

who might want to do you bodily harm?

That's just it. I can't.

Is there someone

who doesn't want this company that you've formed

to produce the picture?

Well, besides the other companies

who bid for the property,

there's my ex-husband.

Frank Jason.

Yes.

He's terrific.

That, my dear, depends on one's point of view.

And into the stretch, it's Paris Red and Reverential.

Renny's Courage third.

Iron Sunset fourth.

Moving up on the inside, it's Reverential.

Still Paris Red, and Reverential.

Reverential passing Paris Red.

Renny's Courage third, Iron Sunset fourth.

At the wire, it's Reverential by a length.

Remember, ladies and gentlemen,

that the next race is an exacta wagering race.

Probable exacta prices... Hey, taxi.

Hey!

The horses are now entering the track

for the next race.

Number six... Paris Red?

Nosed at the wire by that dog, uh...

Reverential.

Your horse?

I liked the jockey's colors.

Oh, I'm sorry.

My name's Kris Munroe.

I'm a private detective

and your wife told me I could find you here.

Tell her the check's in the mail.

Oh, no. It's nothing like that.

Somebody tried to drop a stage light on her.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

You still care.

No, I'm sorry

that somebody's been so stricken with blindness

that they missed her.

Um, your wife says

that you're against her making this picture.

Wrong.

I'm against her making the picture

with her and me in it together.

But wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Sweet Misery

was one of best musicals on Broadway

five years ago.

Four Tony Awards.

You saw it?

Yeah.

You and your wife were brilliant too.

Who are those two guys watching you?

Nobody's watching me.

Cops and cabs.

You never get them when you need them.

Oh, you don't have a car?

No, it's in hock,

and I'm not going to get it back either,

thanks to that dog who thinks he's a horse.

That, uh... Reverential.

Reverential.

Well, listen. Let me give you a lift.

You haven't so far, but you can now.

This way.

Frank?

Those people following us,

do they have anything to do

with the problems

you're having with your wife?

I have no problems with my wife.

Nobody's following us.

One-seven-zero something...

Look, Frank. You can trust me.

I'm your biggest fan.

As a matter of fact,

when I was in junior college,

one of my first professional jobs

was playing Sweet Misery in stock.

I played the part of Jenny,

the girl you almost had an affair with.

That's just what I need in my life now...

a musical-comedy detective.

Frank...

Look, Frank, if you'll level with me,

I'll see if I can shake those two guys

who aren't following us.

Look, I've been married

to Ellen Jason for 20 years.

It became a screaming match.

We just don't like each other anymore.

It's as simple as that.

Yeah, but she wants you in the picture.

Yeah, she and her manager

want me in the film,

because the people who are financing her

may pull out unless I do the role.

They think it's a kind of publicity gimmick.

A story about a marriage on the rocks,

starring two people whose marriage is on the rocks.

Cute stuff, you know.

Frank...

Hold on.

A tree fell on you?

From a truck.

It just fell on you?

It was an ficus tree, Mr. Mancino.

Rubicanosa.

What?

Rubicanosa.

Rubi... Canosa.

It was a rubicanosa.

I heard you.

So, you lost Jason again.

Yes.

Hi, guys.

Yeah, fine. Thank you.

That was the people who owned the tree.

Yeah?

I'm sending them a check, a large check.

Helping Frank Jason was every expensive.

Well, he's worth it.

Look, I don't know

how or if he is involved in his wife's problems,

but he's a real nice fellow.

I like him.

Oh. Hmm.

We're all here now.

What'd you come up with?

Well, I did some more digging.

There were actually three accidents on this stage.

The two we know about, Norma Freidrick,

and the man who was injured five years ago,

then last year,

a wardrobe woman worked one day on a commercial

and was nearly hit by a piece of scenery

that mysteriously collapsed.

Aha!

So we're back to the "jinxed stage" theory?

We gotta cover every angle, right?

Anyway, I decided to go back

to where it all started,

to see if we could get a handle on it.

Now, this is the last shot

ever made of Norma Freidrick.

Oh, my God!

Apparently the camera operator

had a perverted sense of the dramatic.

He kept the camera running after the accident.

♪ Words, words ♪

♪ Where are the words? ♪

♪ Where... ♪

♪ Where is the rhyme? ♪

♪ Did we ♪

♪ Throw them away? ♪

♪ Out of sight Out of time? ♪

♪ When we speak ♪

♪ Do we hear? ♪

♪ When we look ♪

♪ Do we see? ♪

♪ When we touch ♪

♪ Is it really you ♪

♪ is it really me? ♪

♪ Two, two, that was ♪

♪ Our number ♪

♪ You plus me ♪

♪ Now one Is such a lonely number ♪

♪ Must we be ♪

♪ Looking still Never seeing? ♪

♪ Living still Never being ♪

♪ How absurd ♪

♪ All we need Are words ♪

♪ Where are the words? ♪

♪ Where... Where is the rhyme? ♪

♪ Did we throw them away ♪

♪ Out of sight Out of time ♪

♪ When we speak ♪

♪ Do we hear? ♪

♪ When we look ♪

♪ Do we see? ♪

♪ When we touch ♪

♪ Is it really you? ♪

♪ Is it really me? ♪

♪ Two, two That was our number ♪

♪ You plus me ♪

♪ Now one ♪

♪ Is such A lonely number ♪

♪ Must we be ♪

♪ Looking still Never seeing? ♪

♪ Living still ♪

♪ Never being? ♪

♪ How absurd ♪

♪ All we need Are words ♪

♪ Only words Only words ♪

♪ O... ♪♪

Ellen, what the hell are you up to?

G-flat.

You put a detective on me.

Dad, she just hired some professional help.

Son, let me handle this.

She's afraid.

Of me?

Dad, she hasn't accused you of anything.

Except wasting 21 years of my life.

20.

It seems longer.

Facing you every morning over coffee,

it seemed like 120.

If I was still married to you,

I'd put poison in your coffee.

If I was still married to you, I'd drink it.

Shut up!

Both of you, just shut up.

I'm tired of hearing you

scream at each other.

You make me sick to my stomach.

Son Larry is a very angry young man.

I wonder how angry.

I don't know. Maybe I better find out.

Keep these for me, will you?

Yeah.

You mind?

Feeling any better?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I'm Sabrina Duncan.

We didn't get a chance to meet inside.

Whose side you on?

My mother's or my father's?

Don't have to be on anybody's side.

Battle runs that many years,

sooner or later people make a choice.

How about you?

I can't.

No, I guess not.

You know, I... I never could figure out

how they stayed married as long as they did.

All she ever wanted was to save the bucks,

buy a house somewhere, plant a garden,

all the straight things.

And he wanted to play?

If it isn't a laugh a minute,

he gets bored.

A mismatch, as they say.

Kind of like the plot of Sweet Misery.

Yeah, I guess when they did that show,

it hit too close to home.

Finally split them up.

Would you like to see them back together? No.

No, I don't want them together.

Together, they'll destroy each other.

I want them apart.

As far apart as possible.

Listen, while you're here,

I think you should meet my manager

and partner in this project.

Austin Wells, John Bosley.

How do you do?

Kelly Garrett.

Hi. Kelly.

Hello, Frank.

Drop dead.

Kris Munroe.

Hello, Austin.

Oh, these are the people you hired.

Miss Paranoid.

Mr. Wells, as you are Mrs. Jason's manager,

maybe we should have a little talk.

About what?

Maybe you could give us

some information that might be helpful

But I know nothing.

Or less.

Uh, listen.

I have to make a phone call,

then we can talk.

Fine.

Well, five's a crowd.

Hello.

Mr. Mancino? Austin Wells.

Jason's here, at the studio.

Stage eight.

Oh, Frank, I don't understand.

I mean, there is nobody in the whole world

that can play the husband's role

in Sweet Misery as well as you can.

And since you played my almost mistress

in summer stock...

I am qualified to make that judgment, yes.

Were you any good?

♪ If only I'd been six ♪

♪ When you were seven ♪

♪ You would have been my beau ♪

♪ Would have been heaven ♪

♪ And when you hit your teens Sweaters and faded jeans ♪

♪ So curvy, cute And prancy ♪

♪ Would I have struck your fancy? ♪

♪ If only You'd been there ♪

♪ When I turned 30 ♪

♪ They'd said A handsome pair ♪

♪ And ain't she purty? ♪

♪ We would Have been a riot ♪

♪ Time and again ♪

♪ If only We'd been together then ♪

♪ If only We'd been together ♪

♪ If only We'd been together then ♪♪

Yeah.

Wow.

Frank!

Now, tell me why don't you want

to do this film?

Well, I'm not going to, unless I really have to.

Hey, mister!

Whoa!

Oh, I'm sorry!

Did you see a man with a gun run past here?

What man?

We're just looking for the commissary.

One-seven-oh O-L-M... One-seven-oh O-L-M...

Right.

Thank you, Charlie.

Well, license number 1-7-0-O-L-M

belongs to one Enrico Mancino.

Mancino?

Large into bookmaking and other games of chance,

as they say?

The very same.

Then the two no-necks I dropped the tree on

work for him, no doubt.

No doubt.

Frank's penchant for the ponies

might explain his involvement with Mancino,

whatever it is.

Well, I still don't see

the connection between Frank Jason's problems

and all the, quote, accidents on stage eight.

Maybe there isn't any.

Which means we have to stick to the "jinxed stage" theory.

Well... Roll, please.

I got the names of the people

who were on the scene of the accident

when Norma Freidrick was killed.

For what it's worth,

the fella who tried to save Norma Freidrick

when she fell, his name is Anton Metzger.

He was a mute who worked as a grip

at the studio for years.

Apparently, he quit his job

right after Norma Freidrick's death,

dropped out of sight.

I've been trying to find an address on him.

Well, we don't believe in ghosts, now, do we?

Hmm?

So we know

that the accidents were arranged.

That's him. That's Anton Metzger.

I don't believe it.

Look, I'm telling you the truth.

You know those two guys who didn't follow us

last time you were here?

Yeah.

Well, they didn't follow you

at the studio, and they didn't have a gun.

And how big a gun wasn't it?

Oh, big enough

to put a very big hole in you.

You know, I think

I'll be doing that film after all.

You will?

Yep. Now I have to.

Would you like to tell me why you have to?

No.

And there's also a condition.

Which is?

You want who in the film?

She did the part in summer stock.

She was terrific.

Listen, this is totally his idea.

I mean, totally.

Um, you know what?

I think I'll get a cup of coffee.

Excuse me.

What is this, Frank?

Some sort of blackmail?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You won't do the picture

unless she does the picture?

She's a very talented girl.

Didn't you punish me enough

with pretty young things

when we were married?

Surely the fun's gone out of it by now.

That's a cheap shot.

Then why?

I like her.

What do you mean, you like her?

She's half your age.

Wait a minute.

You think I'm making a move on her?

Frank...

I think there's a book you should read.

It deals with the problem of male menopause.

Okay, you want to play the game that way?

You're right. It is blackmail.

She doesn't do the picture, I don't do the picture.

You're not serious.

This was Frank's idea.

Totally.

Sweet Misery...

Starring Kris Munroe and others...

I think it's got a nice ring to it.

Listen, it's every little girl's dream

to be a movie star.

I think you should try it.

You're not serious.

Kris did very well in summer stock.

I read some of her reviews.

This was Frank's idea... totally.

Listen, Bosley.

We're on this case, right?

Now, if Kris is in the film,

it's a great cover.

You're not serious.

Like I said, Frank's idea. Totally.

Well, I think I should call him

and tell him you simply refuse.

You do, and I'll break your arm.

They are very serious.

All right.

All right. Settle.

Get a cue, Les.

Rolling.

112. Take one.

Action.

♪ If only I'd been six ♪

♪ When you were seven ♪

♪ You would have Been my beau ♪

♪ Would have been heaven ♪

♪ And when you hit Your teens ♪

♪ Sweaters And faded jeans ♪

♪ So curvy, cute ♪

♪ And prancy ♪

♪ Would I have struck Your fancy? ♪

♪ If only you'd been there ♪

♪ When I turned 30 ♪

♪ They'd said A handsome pair ♪

♪ And ain't she purty? ♪

♪ We would've been a riot Time and again ♪

♪ If only We'd been together then ♪

♪ Forgive me if I strut ♪

♪ I'm feelin' strutty ♪

♪ And then one look from you ♪

♪ I turn to putty ♪

♪ And when you kiss a lad ♪

♪ He sure Can get it bad ♪

♪ Moonstruck And feelin' silly ♪

♪ Oh, honey You're a dilly ♪

♪ I'll be right here at hand And if you're hurtin' ♪

♪ I'll kiss Your tears away ♪

♪ And one thing's certain ♪

♪ We're gonna go first cabin ♪

♪ I'll tell you how ♪

♪ And if we are smart Or whether ♪

♪ We flip And slip our tether ♪

♪ We're gonna stick together ♪

♪ Now ♪♪

Okay, now pull it back.

It looked all right.

You were terrific, lady.

Oh, thank you.

Well, on scale of one to ten,

what do you think?

Ten, at least a ten.

Well, I... Kris!

You okay, huh?

I'm all right.

I'm okay.

Be right back.

Whew...

He's gone.

You sure you saw someone?

Well, yes. I mean, I...

This is crazy.

Somebody released that rope.

Well, we know it wasn't Larry,

or Austin Wells.

They were standing right next to us.

Okay, okay.

So, you're sure you saw somebody or something.

But the question still is,

where did he, she, or it go?

Okay, quiet please.

This will be a dress rehearsal.

♪ Where is my lady? ♪

♪ Oh, how I need her today ♪

♪ Did I put her In uncaring hands ♪

♪ And send her away? ♪

♪ Where is my lady? ♪

♪ We were an elegant pair ♪

♪ Loved The sound of her laughter ♪

♪ I loved her elegant flair ♪

♪ I can see ♪

♪ She's not part Of me ♪

♪ If it must be told ♪

♪ Love has made her ♪

♪ Bitter and cold ♪

♪ I need my lady ♪

♪ Without her ♪

♪ There's nothing of me ♪

♪ And any fool could see ♪

♪ Get her back in my life ♪

♪ And life is a natural high ♪

♪ Without my lady ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ What are we? ♪

♪ Who am I... ♪

♪ I can see ♪

♪ She's not part of me ♪

♪ If it must be told ♪

♪ Love has made her ♪

♪ Bitter and cold ♪

♪ I need my lady ♪

♪ Without her ♪

♪ There's nothing of me ♪

♪ And any fool could see ♪

♪ Get her back in my life ♪

♪ And life is a natural high ♪

♪ Without my lady ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ What are we? ♪

♪ Who am I? ♪♪

Just beautiful.

We'll shoot again.

Uh, J.R.?

You know, you always sang that song very well.

I wonder why I hate it so much now.

You always did hate it.

You just didn't realize it till now.

Maybe I did, at that.

But all this... this self-examination,

it always did turn me off.

Right.

Mustn't look too close at ourselves.

Might not like what we see...

that we're getting older and no smarter,

richer and no happier.

Maybe you should have married

a shrink or a prophet.

What I should have done, Frank,

is marry a man.

Look, it's a two-way street, you know.

You get as you give.

Frank, do us both a favor.

When we're through with this picture,

get out of my life.

I'll do you both a favor.

I'm going to get out of your lives,

and I'm going to do it right now,

and it's gonna be permanent.

Now, look, Larry...

Oh, the hell with you... Both of you.

You wouldn't listen to me.

You had to bring them together.

You just wouldn't listen.

Hey, listen, Larry.

Uh, where are you going?

As far from those two as I can get.

Well, don't you think

maybe you ought to stick around?

Looks like they could use you now.

Like Father said, it's a two-way street,

and I'm sick of walking it alone.

Yeah.

I think I've got something.

What?

"610 West Fifth Street"?

Anton Metzger's address.

Hey, that's right near here.

Across the street.

Yeah?

This looks familiar.

Anton Metzger was an Austrian.

Norma Freidrick made pictures in Austria

before she came to this country.

Apparently, Anton followed her here.

This room is what you would call depressing.

Since Metzger obviously isn't here

and he may not come back here,

how do we find him?

Let's try it.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

If you're thinking of recreating the moment

that traumatized Metzger,

it could get dangerous.

Aah!

Aah! Ohh!

Mr. Metzger!

It's all right.

It's all right.

Shh... Wait a minute. Mr. Metzger?

It's all right.

Um... Norma's gone.

And you don't have to worry about her anymore,

and you don't have to protect this place for her.

Do you understand?

Do you understand?

Everything's all right.

They're not real, Mr. Metzger.

Why don't you just sit down

and take it easy?

Come on.

I won't hurt you.

Just sit down for a minute.

It's all right, Mr. Metzger.

It's all right.

Are you all right?

♪ Where is the rhyme? ♪

♪ Did we throw them away? ♪

♪ Out of sight out of time? ♪

♪ When we speak ♪

♪ Do we hear? ♪

♪ When we look ♪

♪ Do we see? ♪

♪ When we touch ♪

♪ Is it really you? ♪

♪ Is it really me? ♪♪

Still rolling.

Two minutes to the next cue.

Hi.

Hi.

Listen, I just talked to Charlie,

and Mancino and his two no-neck friends

were picked up by by the police

and they did some talking.

You mean about why

they've been terrorizing Frank?

Yeah, Frank owed them money,

and it seems that Austin

was tipping them to Frank's moves.

Austin?

What for?

Austin wanted Frank to do the picture,

and he knew that he needed money.

He figured that he'd have to do the picture

if they pressured him enough.

Mm-hmm. That means if Frank got paid,

Mancino got paid.

Yeah, something like that.

Any sign of young Larry yet?

No, Frank and I went out looking for him,

but nothing.

I think he's really gone.

I don't think he's coming back.

I guess we've come full circle, Frank.

Right back to the beginning.

Still two lonely people.

And what did all mean?

What did it add up to?

Why did we do it?

Twenty years, Frank. Twenty years.

Yeah, I lived those years too, you know.

I don't get them back any better than you.

You didn't live them, Frank.

You played at living them.

You never grew up.

And what about you, Ellen?

You never were a child.

You were grown up when I met you.

Yeah.

You never gave me a chance to catch up.

Ever since you were 18,

you spent every day thinking about tomorrow.

I kept telling you,

"These are the jokes, kid."

But you wouldn't listen.

No, you wouldn't.

Where the hell have you been?

Where have I been?

Yeah, where the hell have you been?

Where I've always been...

out where I just can't quite reach you two.

Maybe it's about time we try to reach you.

You've got a cue coming up.