Original subtitles

♪ Stop calling your friends and say you got one ♪

♪ You out here tweakin' ♪

♪ While you at it, call a doctor ♪

♪ You outta pocket, you need to stop it ♪

♪ You saw me at the club and it was sorta poppin' ♪

♪ But don't make no ♪

♪ Don't make no mistakes. ♪

GROUP: Hey!

(cheering and whooping)

ALL (chanting): Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Aww. How are you?

Hey. Welcome to tour.

Thank you. Oh, my God. What is this?

Oh, yeah, it's my alias, Dom Pagnotti.

I wanted you to feel what I feel when I arrive.

- Okay, cool. I love it. - Yeah. Welcome.

- Hi. - I'll get your bag.

Oh, thank you.

- Let's go on the bus. Come on. - ALLY: You guys, I'm here.

DAVE: Come on, everybody in, everybody in.

- This is Cliff. - Hi, Cliff.

- I'm Ally. - How you doing?

Listen, no shitting on the bus. You shit, you split.

Okay.

Treat her like everybody else.

- ♪ Hi, I'm Dave ♪ - It's not gonna happen.

♪ Hi, I'm Dave. ♪

All the way, finish it all the way.

Finish this whole thing without burping,

I'll be-- Oh! Uh-uh.

- (belching) - (cheering)

You lose.

Can you do this shit back there?

We owe this queen some respect.

- Yeah. - DAVE: Oh, real classy.

- Ooh. - EMMA: What?

Kicking the Black men to the back of the bus.

I'm just giving you a hard time.

- EMMA: Okay. - This is how we talk.

- EMMA: Yeah. - Tour life.

Uh, how is the search for love going?

Uh, really poorly.

Not good.

I thought it was gonna be like the romantic climax of man.

Uh, instead, it's really been the stark reality

of... humanity.

Well, there was the girl in Utah.

Said she was big into LDS.

- Oh, Latter Day Saints. - DAVE: Yeah, I didn't know that.

I thought she was talking baseball.

- ALLY: Why? - Like the NLDS.

- MIKE: The National... - DAVE: It was totally coincided with that round of the...

He thinks normal human flaws are red flags.

ALLY: Sure, sounds reasonable.

I mean, a big one is that if they're not Rachel McAdams,

- that's probably a... - ALLY: Ugh.

A classic.

There was one girl that I really didn't like

the way she danced, she was a bad dancer.

- Mm. - Dave...

I love bad dancers

who have, like, all that... spirit and charm.

But when you're a bad dancer,

and you think that you're not,

and like you're trying to be cool,

but you're not,

that's a bad attitude.

And I don't-- I can't-- I can't do that.

Wait. By the way, can you do me a favor?

Can you add a name to the list, for tonight?

Please. It's my pleasure, that's my power.

We can do that. We have-- We have that power.

I know, but it's, that's my job.

- Yeah, but I'm just saying I could... - What's his name?

You can do it if you want.

- MIKE: What is his name? - Do your job.

What's the name?

Roy Winters.

MIKE: Roy Winters, the silent film actor.

I love him.

You strumpet.

Okay, I knew that you were going to do this.

This Roy guy from college, "they're just friends."

All this time, Dave here had a suspicion.

Turns out, Dave here was right again.

I never hooked up with him.

I just want to win the argument that I've always won.

ALLY: I understand that.

And I can't win it unless you admit that I've won it.

So what are you intentions with this man?

My intentions...

(vocalizing)

Great. Everybody's creaming.

I love your vibe, it's so chill right now.

Thank you for saying that.

I am just a chill girl about to have some casual sex.

What do you want to do first?

You want to roll me around in a stroller

while I smoke this baby?

No, I said I'm gonna see you at the show.

But beforehand, I need to be Rhianna.

And focus on my...

Well, can I just point out that Rhianna

is notoriously a very good friend

and she would go to the botanical gardens

with me and smoke.

Will you do this?

- Yeah, I got you. - ALLY: Yay.

- Here. - Thank you.

Oh, by the way, should I wear, uh, this?

Yeah, that's cute, I like that one.

Stop. You're fucking gorgeous.

Which is like...

coming here to fuck Roy Winters?

Why? You've known him for ten years.

It's like fucking an iPhone 5.

Jim just hurt my feelings and was all...

"I don't have the emotional bandwidth

for a relationship right now."

And Roy has always said that I'm his dream girl

and so it's easy.

You have a fucking vagina.

It's always easy.

You could literally stand there and they'd fuck you.

You could walk outside,

everybody wants to fuck you.

The goal is to not get fucked.

Hmm.

Not tonight.

- Cheers to that. - Mm-hmm.

Will you look at my butthole real quick?

I think I cut it while shaving.

- Check, check. - Man, these sound crispy.

Check, check.

Check, check, sound check.

Check, check, check, check.

Gata, what are your thoughts on Madison, Wisconsin, brother?

You rocking with it?

Check, check. Last time I was in Wisconsin,

you ain't gonna believe it,

I really pissed on a bitch.

Okay. Those are the kind of things

you shouldn't say into the microphone.

Because other people can hear it,

and you can get cancelled, then I...

She wanted me to do it, bro. I'm just letting you know

the energy is dope out here, bro.

Man, I fucked a bitch out here with my socks off.

You normally fuck with your socks on?

Check, check, check, check.

Check.

- Check, check. - Hey.

- Hey. Oh, yeah. Okay. - I have to... I have to.

Right, you know, can we talk away from the stage?

- Please? - I have been waiting for hours.

I know, but let's talk away from the stage.

- Okay, sure. - All right, so...

we don't have any time to do this.

I know you want to do the click stuff,

but I just, we can't.

I'm a photographer. You guys booked this.

I don't know why you're acting like I'm just...

voluntarily coming here and wanting to...

MIKE: My point is, we got crunched for time.

You're done.

I'm confused.

I've been here all day.

The window that you told me

was from 2:00 to 4:00, it's now almost 4:30.

And it just... (whooshes)

closed right up on you.

I feel like you really mismanage your time

and now you're just being a dick.

MIKE: I'm sorry we ran into traffic

and there was a big truck.

And I think it was a pilaf truck,

- like rice-rice pilafs. - Dude.

- And they were block... - If you're gonna lie,

- just do it better. - MIKE: That's not a lie.

That's not a lie. I don't know what you...

Is everything okay down there?

Yeah, everything is totally fine.

The picture girl's here.

- I'm a photographer. - And she's--

Okay, same thing.

Your organization

is incredibly disorganized.

Should I come resolve the situation?

- Yes. - No. Please just finish sound check.

I'm having trouble hearing you guys.

I'm not a picture girl, that's...

It's the same thing, kind of.

- You take pictures. - I don't think that's true at all.

- Look what you did. - Excuse me?

Look what you did.

Are you joking?

- Dude, I... - Hi.

What's going on?

- Hi. I'm Robyn. - Dave. Nice to meet you, Robyn.

- Nice to meet you. - DAVE: Nice jumpsuit.

- Uh, thanks. - DAVE: Funky.

- Funky. - For the magazine spread,

I have to take photos, it's a whole layout,

- I can't just get photos of you onstage. - DAVE: Of course not.

I am now being told that I have no time.

Well, who the heck is saying that?

- I did. - He is.

- Oh, this guy? - That's right.

You can't listen to a word he says.

He's got it all wrong all the time.

I mean, I'm just kidding, but...

it does feel like some sort of mismanaged situation

- has occurred. - It's not mismanaged at all. That's not true...

It does sound exactly like that.

I can't really be controlled.

And that's kind of like the elephant in the room here.

He's realizing that,

he's probably gonna walk away very soon.

Yep. See?

Bye.

(chuckles) Off the record.

There's no record.

I'm just here to take photos.

Off the visual record.

One thing you should realize is I'm sorry.

Why would... saying sorry be off the record?

I don't know.

In all seriousness, I do feel terrible.

If we fucked you over in any way and you thought

you had something and it's not, I'm...

Please, let me make it up to you.

I can give you my whole afternoon if need be.

Okay, well, I don't actually have the whole afternoon.

I have another shoot later.

But I do have a kind of fun,

non-traditional idea if you're down.

Will it be non-traditional

if I'm traditionally non-traditional?

Uh...

And it's not a riddle. Think on it.

Gata, I need you to do sound check without me, okay?

- Got you, bro. - Cool.

♪ Pissin' on a bitch, bitch... ♪

Hey, bitch. (laughs)

Hey!

- Hi. - Oh, you look...

fantastic.

- You, too. Hey. - Oh, my God. Hey.

I got you, uh, your college drink.

- A Midori Sour. - Oh.

Quick question. In what world

would I still be drinking Midori Sours?

In my world.

From like ten years ago where we're still in college

and everything is the same.

That's cute. I will not drink this, but thank you.

I just had to fuck with you.

- I already got a lane. - (laughs)

So let me get this straight.

Um, you flew out here

to take me to your ex-boyfriend's concert?

Yeah, because that's like a totally normal and adult...

- emotionally stable thing to do. - Totally.

Which is what I thought when you reached out

and then I had the thought like

we should also, we should hit up my ex-wife.

Okay, I'm glad that you said it.

- You were gonna... - Because I was gonna, yeah.

For sure. Yeah. Let's pick the bitch up. (laughs)

- Okay. - Sorry.

She's not a bitch.

- Or may-- I mean, probably. - Debatable.

Ex-wife.

That's like so adult of you.

- It is, isn't it? - You've been like fully married.

- Fully. - And then fully divorced.

- Fully. - Which means...

that you could be a Real Housewife.

You know?

Honestly, the whole thing was...

pretty traumatic.

- Yeah. - Um, kind of like...

wrecked me. I won't get into the details

- of all of it, but... - (insect buzzing)

- (chokes) - It's good, like I'm-I'm...

I'm totally fine now.

- (coughs) - And, um...

I mean, we're not like best friends

- or anything by any means, but... - Yeah.

- (gagging) - You okay?

(wheezing): I think I swallowed a bug.

It's like inside of me.

You swallowed a bug?

Um, here, you should probably drink this.

Because it's like acid. It'll kill the... larvae.

- Or if it was a... - (hacking)

(growls, sniffs)

Okay, lift up your dress.

(clicking)

Okay, move it a little bit?

I love being a woman.

What did you say?

I said I love this.

Move your body but just like stay here.

DAVE: Okay, no problem.

(camera clicking)

That's kind of...

What if we get a little more hip-hop in this?

- I don't know, man. - DAVE: What am I gonna do?

ROBYN: I think you're gonna jump.

(camera clicks)

You get it?

This is terrible. Let's go.

Put your legs out.

- DAVE: Legs out? - Yeah.

Not like that.

- Okay. Timid. - Yeah.

So what's your deal?

How's tour been? You just...

drowning in pussy?

Uh...

Uh, I don't like hooking up with girls like that.

- Right. - Is the implication that

- I carry myself like a player? - No.

Yes. Not... No, no.

- Ultimately, no. - Mm.

All I want is like a girlfriend, really.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

- Huh. - So, what about you?

You must be...

up to your neck in big dick energy.

Up to my neck in big dick energy?

I'm just trying to ask you about your life.

Huh.

- Not now. Yeah. - Sure.

ROBYN: It's not really my priority.

Career?

- Sure. There's other things. - Yeah.

- Besides that, yeah. Yeah. - I can only imagine.

Tell me about Wisconsin. Do you love it here?

Like do you think you're gonna die here?

Do I think I'm gonna die in Wisconsin?

- That's a crazy question to ask a stranger, I guess. - Is it?

I'm not saying like die here today,

I'm saying like do you think you want to live

the rest of your life in this place?

No, I don't think I do.

But my family's here and...

You've got deep roots.

Yeah. Plus, we have snow days.

- I love snow days. - All right.

Get back to work. Another position.

Titanic?

- Ah. - Whoa.

How's this?

You look effulgent.

I love the way you speak.

Thank you.

Why don't I take you into my world a little?

All right.

This is the Scroguard.

The... Scroguard?

It is an STD preventative tool.

Do you...? You fuck in that?

- Yeah, I do. - Do you...? You have...?

You fuck women in that?

Exclusively women.

- Okay. - Do you wash it?

Yeah, I wash it. I'm not a monster.

- (sniffs) You do wash it. - I do.

I... Can I try it on?

By all means try it on.

Uh, just be careful with it because I do have only one

and the company like totally went out of business.

What is this? You fuck...

This is crazy.

- We're the same size, scrote-size. - Yeah.

You like it?

I feel so protected.

What you're feeling is peace of mind.

I feel like you get it.

And you're still hard after all of that?

- Oh, if there's a woman? - I just wanna like...

Yeah, take that, you little groupie slut.

(laughter)

I don't talk during.

But, yeah, you make it look good.

Yeah, I don't know, this is, uh...

You're a weirdly honest person.

I have a whole wonderland of, uh,

equipment, devices.

There's... Don't you have that, uh...

You said you had a thing. How are we doing on time?

Oh, yeah, I-I... That was a lie.

- I lied. - You lied?

- Yeah. - For what?

To be impressive.

Oh.

Why?

To impress you.

- Thank you for... - Yeah.

Oh.

Sorry. I...

Crossed the line and I'm sorry,

I should not have done that.

I misread the situation.

I'm off the clock.

Splendid.

(laughs)

So not even the beach?

No. Never fully submerged.

So you mean to tell me that like no one

has ever seen you just completely wet?

I'm doing everyone a favor by not doing it.

I look like if the girl from The Ring

was like a little round Polish boy.

(laughter)

Like that's-- I'm-- That's what it looks like.

- Okay. - (phone ringing)

Oh, um, this is a work call.

I really got to take it. I'm so sorry. Uh...

- Is that okay? Is that rude? - Yeah, of course. No, you're fine.

- You're not gonna... - Go, yeah, work bought me drinks.

- I'll be like... Okay. Cool. - (phone ringing)

(phone dings)

♪ ♪

ROY: Love the form.

I see you're as athletic as I remember.

(both chuckling)

The show starts in like an hour

if you want to go. Uh, sorry about that.

I will put this away.

Let's skip it and let's go to your place.

- Okay. - Yeah?

- (audience cheering) - Hey.

Oh.

Gata showed up late again with a bunch a different women.

It's like he's trying to get catfished and murdered

at the same time.

(chuckles weakly)

NPR rescheduled. So, you're welcome.

Thank... you.

Who are you texting? What are you doing?

Robyn.

I'm like totally locked in.

Yeah.

GATA: Y'all ready for the professional rapper?

(cheering and applause)

What y'all trying to do?

Lil Dicky!

(cheering and applause)

(cheering)

Wisconsin, I think I'm in love!

Cheers.

Cheers.

You know, um...

I have wanted to do this for a very long time.

(laughs)

That was nice.

It... (chuckles)

I can't even tell you.

Every girl that I've gone out with lately,

I have to have that awkward

"I'm emotionally unavailable" conversation.

So this is very nice for a change.

Yeah, yeah, no conversation needed.

It's like just one night only, you know?

- I don't know what I'm doing. Music. - Oh.

- I should turn some music on. - Yeah.

Rock on, baby. (chuckles)

- What'd you think of the show? - I loved it.

I can't believe I haven't showered.

Tough to do a concert and not shower and be so...

- (mumbles, sniffs) - You like it?

Yeah.

Wait, isn't this exactly where we were, earlier today?

Yeah. I live here.

- You live here? - Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me that you lived here?

I just generally don't like to, you know,

tell people that I'm working with that I live in the space.

- (music playing loudly outside) - Oh.

Ugh!

Every night, my neighbor just plays this music,

it's really annoying actually.

Is it always like this here?

- It's not, it's... - It's a big party neighborhood?

I don't think there's a party.

That's-- Cute.

DAVE: There's like a little bit of a buzz on the block.

So you got to be in here every night just...

- doing stuff like this? - ROBYN: Never.

I really can't dance. I-I...

It's like my most embarrassing quality.

- Oh, please, everyone can dance. - No, no, I--

- I-I hate it about myself. - Everyone can dance.

- No. - Tonight you do, come on.

- No, I... - Why not? What's wrong with dancing?

- It's so easy. You just... - My joints are like...

Just live your truth, come on. Do something.

There it is.

- I need more. - No.

I need more. You're a vision.

- I'm embarrassed. - Why? You're incredible.

Come on.

Yeah, whip the hair.

Whip the hair again. Yeah!

♪ Since I got you, don't need painkillers ♪

Mm. Mm. Mm.

You, come here.

♪ No fever... ♪

- Did you used to grind? - Oh, yeah.

- Like, when everyone used to just, like...? - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I used to stand against the back of the wall

in high school, actually, and I'd watch the other kids.

I used to do that, too. Okay.

♪ ♪

(Robyn laughs)

♪ ♪

(laughter)

(laughing, mumbling)

♪ Ow, if I be sick, nah she be medicine ♪

♪ If I be high, nah she be gbana ♪

♪ If I did sing, nah she be... ♪

(both panting, moaning)

(laughs)

I'm not used to muscle.

(laughing)

Slow has merit.

Want to go up a level?

- I don't know what means, but yes, yeah, yeah. - Oh. Okay.

Oh! Oh, my God.

(gasping)

(panting)

- I had an underbite. - Mm-hmm.

I don't like to expose my underbite. Look.

I'll do it for you because we're comfortable.

Okay.

Mm.

(gasping)

Oh, my God. Oh, fuck me.

- Oh! (laughing) - Fuck!

Do girls like this at all?

(voice shaking): Uh, no, it's just more disruptive

to like how I'm speaking.

ROY: I am so sorry.

The show must go on, you know?

- I am so sorry. - No, honestly, it's hot.

- What race are you? - What?

Are you-- I don't want to ask, but I feel like you're Latina?

I'm half Chinese.

- Chinese? - I think it's Latinx.

Yeah.

Amen, sister.

Did you say "Amen, sister"?

Yeah, I-I wanted to say like halleluiah

or like what's a Chinese like... I don't want to bow.

Do you remember, um, at Mooney's senior year

when you said I was your dream girl?

I don't remember that, but...

it makes sense.

(laughing)

♪ ♪

No.

I'm like... No?

What are you doing?

Kegeling or keegel-- I'm making the head just...

No.

I don't-- There's no...

I'm dripping sweat on you.

Do you want me to get a condom?

- Uh, yeah. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Okay.

(chuckles)

♪ I got some new friends ♪

♪ But you still want me. ♪

(panting)

- Okay. - Um, sorry.

Sorry, can we hold on one second?

Yeah. Of course. No pressure.

No rush.

Sorry, I'm so sorry, um...

Whew. Uh...

I'm sorry, I thought I...

could do this, but I'm now realizing that I can't.

Oh.

- Okay, did I do something? - No.

No, you... You were, you were great.

You were great. I just...

- Ugh. - You want to talk about it?

Yeah, I mean...

I just thought, I thought with all of this...

history between us and me just getting out of something

that this would be kind of like a perfect...

rebound situation.

I mean, I get it, I just...

I got out of something, too.

- Yeah. - So it's...

I-I'm just not a-a casual sex... girl,

I-I've never even had sex on a first date.

- So... - (chuckling)

You're kidding, right? I've known you over a decade.

It's not really the same thing, this...

No, I don't do anything like this, I...

I really...

This, it's just, it's feeling like

I'm-I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing.

- Okay. - Which I'm not...

- like trying to be mean, I'm just... - That's cool. No, I'm gonna...

I re-- I...

(faucet running)

I wish that I could explain it better.

Did I like gaslight you or something?

Are you gaslit?

No, I...

ROY: You don't owe me anything, but

you kind of set up an expectation,

you sent me a nude.

ALLY: Yeah, no, I...

I thought...

that you kind of saw me differently.

- (spits) - (faucet runs)

Look, in case I wasn't totally clear,

I don't want a relationship.

No, I am not asking for one.

I feel like you're kind of fucking with my head.

And I'm confused because I just was telling you that...

- No, no. - I don't have the emotional bandwidth

- or the availability. - No, no.

You don't need to reject my rejection.

- Okay. - Okay.

Well, at least that's clear.

Yeah, that is crystal clear.

What are you thinking about?

- Right now? - Yeah.

Uh, well...

I'm thinking about how I have a cut on my cuticle here.

And I'm thinking, can you get HIV

from like having that cut on a finger and...

the finger's fingering?

I was just, like, evaluating the odds.

On whether or not I have AIDS?

How do you even sleep at night

with all of those...

crazy thoughts?

I sleep really well, actually.

- Really? - Eight hours a night.

- Surprising. - Really?

You have the personality of a real insomniac.

No, I created a total thought process

that just works like a charm.

What is it?

- Okay, I'll tell you. Yeah, buckle up. - What?

- Okay. - Okay.

- So I imagine that it's the Holocaust. - Okay.

Yeah.

And that I am in Nazi Germany

and I have been on the run for like 18 days.

Couldn't be colder. It's winter, by the way.

There's snow all over the ground.

It's the most stressful thing in the world.

And I've finally arrived at a family friend's house.

They bring me up to the attic, right?

And we go up to that attic and it's so warm.

- Mm. - There's like wood floors,

there's a fireplace always to the left, crackling fireplace,

and then out the window, you can see like the amber light

and the snow just like falling slowly.

And I don't even have a mattress,

I can hear the hum of the militia and the tanks

and the Nazis like barking at one another,

but at that moment it doesn't even matter.

Because I'm so warm, I'm so cozy,

and I'm so tired,

and then I just wake up eight hours later.

Wow. That's...

You get it, right?

Yeah.

Today was like the most fun day I've ever had.

Yeah.

I wish you weren't leaving.

Well, the second I do,

you know that every single guy in Wisconsin

is gonna descend upon you

and you're gonna have your total pick of the litter.

And you're gonna make some guy's dreams come true.

Yeah.

Oh, what time is it?

It's late.

Feels late.

Feels late and early at once.

Um, I don't want to be rude,

but I-I have to get up so early tomorrow

and I didn't know what time it was until just now.

You're asking me to leave.

I re-- it's a big gig and I don't want to fuck it up and...

I really have to... call it a night.

It's a big thing.

I get it. You're a... Career.

Maybe it's just better-- I-I don't...

- You're a career woman. - I didn't know how late it was.

You need to sleep. I understand.

No one empathizes with that situation

more than me, I get it. (exhales)

Yeah.

I have your number.

(chuckles weakly)

- Oh, no. - Yeah.

You said that?

I don't even know if that's the comment that turned the tide,

and if it was, I was just being complimentary, like...

Yeah, but you don't need to...

like tell the truth all the time.

You could, you know, just...

She was great, I thought.

Okay, well, then don't give up on her.

Like call her from the road or whatever.

Honestly, if you're gonna get that thrown

by one small comment,

then there's some deeper insecurity, like underneath.

And I'm happy I saw it sooner than later, so...

Dave, you have to forgive people for not being perfect.

Enough about me. What happened with Roy?

(sighs) I'm realizing that I can't just... hook up.

Like, it doesn't have to mean everything,

but it can't mean nothing, if that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense. I get it.

But, you know, I'm just...

trying to fill the void, I guess.

That is me every single night.

Especially on tour.

But... there's still time.

Yeah.

You know, I've never told you this,

but the best thing that you've ever done

is not get back together with me when I tried to.

Why? Because you're...

America's most eligible bachelor now?

No, because I would've fucked it up between us

and you don't deserve that at all.

We're in such a good place

and I'm so happy to have you in my life

and anyone who doesn't want you in their lives

is a fucking loser.

You deserve everything.

LD, what's good, bro?

I got more flavors than Baskin-Robbins, bro.

- Got them lined up for you. - Oh.

Classic Gata.

I'm okay, man. This guy's out of his mind.

GATA: You sure? I've been listening to you, bro.

I got all the types you said, bro.

I got the neighborhood girl, around-the-way look,

all that shit you was talking about?

Let me just see if he has an understanding

of the type of woman I'm even interested in.

- Yeah. - Like I made him watch Wedding Crashers,

it's just good for the rest of the tour that he...

One second. Be right back.

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DAVE: Hi.

(indistinct chatter)

I'm Dave, nice to meet you.

- ♪ ♪ - (chatter continues)

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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org