Original subtitles

♪ Rolling up to vote I toke my Benson ♪

♪ England's blowing smoke It needs attention ♪

♪ Could use a lick of paint A change of colour ♪

♪ Think I got a neighbour that's been feeling blue ♪

♪ But they won't stand down no matter what you say or do ♪

♪ How d'you learn to love if you're not taught to? ♪

♪ How d'you dream if freedom's on a curfew? ♪

♪ Paying the price to live in our skin ♪

♪ Who's got love for the taking? ♪

♪ Who's got heart for the aching? ♪

♪ No such thing as a kingdom ♪

♪ When tomorrow's done for the children ♪

♪ They chop it up and divide ♪

♪ So meet me at the borderline ♪

♪ Where the burning bridges have been taking toll ♪

♪ We row, we row We row the boat ♪

♪ We row, we row We row the boat ♪

Zoe!

- Aunty Aisha. - Lovely to see you, Zoe.

You're looking fresh.

- Oh. Excuse me. Sorry.

Hello. No, no, I can talk.

She's always going!

Oh. Oh, right. Um...

Well, can I come in and discuss this with you?

I have other ideas.

That's great. Okay, goodbye.

Long time no see,

Miss award winning documentary maker.

Can I have your autograph, please?

Kaz.

What are you doing up there?

- Same as always. Sneaky ciggy. - Oh.

Come up.

Please don't tell me

your parents still don't know you smoke?

I'm an oncology registrar.

It's not the best look, is it?

But they're happy now I'm getting married.

You are? Hey, congratulations.

- Who's the lucky lady? - Don't know yet.

What do you mean?

I'm going old school on this one.

I'm getting an arranged marriage.

"Assisted marriage".

That's what we're calling it these days.

Huh...

What, like assisted suicide?

I can't get my head round

marrying someone you don't know.

It might be easier

than marrying someone you do know.

Mmm.

Did you never wanna get married?

Ooh, "never" is a bit harsh.

I'm still interviewing.

- I haven't yet met the one. - Ah, the one.

You know, just someone who I could commit

to watching a whole TV series with, would be nice.

Be nice.

Hey, where's your little sister? I haven't seen her.

- Jamila? - Yeah.

- She couldn't make it.

Sounds like it's kicking off in there.

We should... Let's go back inside.

I'm gonna have to find a new hiding place.

They're cutting down the tree.

- No? - Yeah.

That's... That's so sad! This is our tree!

I know. Come on.

Look at Farooq. He's so happy.

Oh, God. Mum dancing.

- Thank you, Aisha, darling.

That was just heaven.

I'll be back for a gupshup tomorrow.

Bye.

- Oh.

Wasn't it just so wonderfully exotic?

I felt... I felt like some sort of glorious concubine.

Exotic meaning good foreign rather than

- threatening foreign. - Yeah, exactly.

Cath, I forgot to give you some biryani.

Oh, darling, thank you so much.

Oh! I cannot believe that you did not tell me

that Kaz has asked you to find him a wife.

Oh, my God. You are so lucky.

Zoe would kill me if I even tried to choose her clothes,

let alone a husband.

That's because you'd choose someone ill-fitting

- and insist I grow into him. - That's mean.

- That's what you would do. - Stop it, both...

- Bye-bye.

- Goodnight. - Thank you, sweetheart.

Night, Mum. - Bye, darling. Buckle up.

So, Zoe, we loved your doc.

Oh, loved it.

- Kids in care? - Yes, that one.

That's great. Because I was hoping...

Unfortunately,

your ideas for your next one...

The bankruptcy courts, honour killings...

They're a bit bleak.

- Downbeat. - Yeah. And, you know...

Your scratchier, darker stuff...

- Which we love. - We love it

right down to the bones.

- Yeah. - But...

It's not really rating for us right now.

I think, look, what we're after

is sort of more upbeat...

Yeah. - Character-led stories.

- Warm heart... - Yeah.

Um, feel-good, really.

And we were kind of brainstorming,

and we think that there probably isn't

a feel-good version of honour killings.

- Probably not. - But, er...

Thank you very much for coming in.

We've connected now.

Look, we've got your details now.

So, silver lining. Always look at the upside.

Actually, hang on.

Arranged marriages in modern multi-cultural Britain.

- Sorry, I wasn't listening... - I'm sorry...

I was just explaining that my childhood friend

whose parents are from Pakistan...

He was born in Pakistan? Cool.

No, he was born here.

But he lived literally next door to me,

and we grew up together.

And he's just decided to have an arranged marriage.

I could follow him on his journey

to marry a stranger

chosen by his parents.

What's he... What's he like?

Well, he's great, he's funny, good-looking.

- Funny's good. - Really funny!

Kind. Er, you know...

Literally, the last person you'd ever expect

to do something like this.

I could interview other British couples

who've also had arranged marriages.

Um, older, younger, happy, unhappy.

Yeah, like in When Harry Met Sally.

Ooh, erm, don't you mean

When Harry Was Forced To Meet Sally?

- Right. Nice.

Well, this isn't a forced marriage, actually.

This is his idea.

My Big Fat Arranged Wedding.

Instead of Greek, yeah. Oh, love it.

Everyone thinks that arranged marriages

are some sort of mediaeval chattel swap,

but actually they've evolved

into what's called assisted marriage

with the parents just suggesting someone

who they think would be a good match.

Yeah, love that. Absolutely love that.

Now, I'm just thinking.

Meet The Parents First.

- Meet The Parents First.

- Right. Erm, Or, erm... - It's called Meet The Parents.

I Hope She's A Pretty Woman.

Love Contractually.

- I Love Actually it. - Yeah.

I mean, think about it. You got... You got eth, tick.

Female director. Double tick.

Huh!

Wow.

Are him and his family on board?

Totally.

Absolutely not. No.

Come on, Kaz. I'm down on my knees. I'm begging you.

Out of the question, Zoe.

Kaz, will you please just do this for me?

Zoe...

-Please! - I can't talk right now.

I don't know if you've heard,

but I'm an award-winning documentary film-maker.

- Yeah. I did hear that, yeah.

Also, aren't you... I mean, listen...

Aren't you proud to be a Muslim?

Of course I'm a proud Muslim.

Yeah, then wouldn't it be a good thing to see

someone like you on TV for once?

Don't extremist madmen make more entertaining TV?

No, it's important. Come on, Kaz, please.

We'll get to hang out,

we'll get to spend some time together.

It'll be fun. Like old times.

Old times? I just remember you

and my sister constantly trying to shake me off.

- Does that sound a bit weird?

Come on, please.

Oh, God, Zoe, stop.

You owe me.

I never told Aunty Aisha

what you got up to in that treehouse.

All right. Well, what about this?

We'll meet up, play a little table tennis.

And if you beat me, I'll think about it.

Yeah. Sounds good. No pressure.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

I'm getting... It's been a while

since I've played this.

Er, dare I ask? What about love?

It's just a different way of getting there.

You don't have to start with love.

You end with love. You know?

And over time,

you grow to love the person you're with.

Hmm. What? Like Stockholm Syndrome?

You know, my parents aren't making me do this.

No, I know. That's why I'm so surprised.

Do you know what the UK divorce rate is? I found out.

No. Er, 50%?

- 55%.

And guess what it is for Arranged marriages? 6%. Boom.

Thing is, Zoe, I've seen it work.

I want my kids to have what I had. Stability.

Marriage isn't just about two people being in love.

It's a bigger thing than that.

It's about what's best for children,

and the whole family. Society.

Just say all that weird, old-fashioned,

conventional shit on camera.

- Fuck, that is so annoying.

If I win this rally, right,

you're doing the film.

- Yes!

God.

You know where we're going. I just told you.

I know. But just say it for the camera.

And look in my eyes.

- What, down to you? - Yeah, tell me.

Can you give me two seconds? It's literally just here.

And how is this

any different from, say, dating apps?

Well, I guess you could say it's kind of like a bespoke,

3D halal Tinder, operated by your parents.

I'm Aisha Khan.

I'm the cultural consultant on this very positive documentary

- on arranged marriage. Great.

If you could just, um,

- ignore the camera. Hi, guys.

Salam aleikum. Mo here. Mo the matchmaker.

And if you're looking for a suitable match for your son,

then you've come to the right place.

We do daughters as well.

Again, just... You can just pretend

I'm not here. Sorry, I'm invisible.

Natural. Bring it down a little bit. Sure, okay.

Okay.

So, platinum services, they also include me

checking out the girl's family.

Seeing that she's from a good family home,

nice, tidy, clean.

Okay. So, guys, tell me,

what kind of lovely lady are we looking for today?

Someone intelligent and attractive

and who I click with, I suppose.

People keep talking about this click. You know?

He needs a companion, not a click.

You know, just someone who can tolerate my parents.

You know, a girl from the same background.

Soft-spoken, long hair.

Er, not too dark.

Wheatish complexion, at the most.

Wheat, beige?

Did you bring your Pantone colour chart?

Be serious about this, okay?

Brother, have a look at these and tell me what you think.

- No photos? - No photos yet.

Think about it, if she's too fit,

then you won't know if she's a good fit.

You're gonna see the picture.

Yeah. You're thinking with your little...

You need to be thinking with your... Okay?

So, religious observance.

Do you want practising, moderately practising?

- Practising. - Not too conservative.

And beard or no beard?

What?

Uh, wrong list. Sorry, give that back.

Sorry.

Um, okay, and modesty, are we talking hijab?

Are we talking niqab? Are we talking jilbab?

Niqab is not necessary.

We are a modern family after all.

Okay. Now, do we want a housewife kind of lady,

or do we want career lady?

Seriously, as long as we're on the same wavelength,

and we have things in common...

But not too ambitious,

or too much into this, er, women's lib.

And, er, community?

- Pakistani. - We're open to any background.

But they just said Pakistan.

- As long as she's Muslim. But not Indian.

Punjabi, Sindhi, Balochi. All these are okay.

- Sure, cool. Actually, it would

be best if she is a, you know, Jalandhar KPK Pathan mix.

This is getting kind of niche.

Okay, and what's, er... What's your education, bro?

Bachelors in Biology. Then medical school.

- He's a doctor. - Oof.

Listen, top of the food chain.

- See? Easy.

And any vices I should know about?

Any drinking, smoking?

Dogging? S and M? Anything like that?

- None. - No.

Okay, Uncle, Aunty,

I will find your son a brilliant match.

You don't worry about that. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

No dogs, no pets.

No, no. Dogging means something... Don't worry.

Cats are okay. Cats?

I'll write that down. "Cats".

We met on our wedding day.

My parents, you know, they showed me her photograph

and I said, "Okay, it's fine."

My mother asked me, but I said,

"No, you choose. So, later I can blame you."

Her father was Deputy Commissioner of the district,

and my father was a doctor in the same village.

They were friends,

so, they arranged the marriage.

I remember, on the wedding,

we were sitting on the stage and the lights went out.

In Pakistan, there is an electricity problem.

And she got scared,

so I leaned over to her and said,

"Don't worry, it's nothing."

Then I felt okay.

After that, it was simple sailing.

You know, when the lights came on,

I felt he was looking at me.

She looked tip-top.

I thought to myself,

"They made a first-class choice."

♪ Gone cold ♪

♪ It's horrible weather ♪

♪ It's gone stone cold ♪

♪ And you know we should've got it together ♪

♪ Well, it's nice ♪

♪ It's nice to be wanted ♪

What was wrong with him? He looked nice.

No! - Him, him. Stop.

He's hot enough that I'll overlook

that inspirational quote.

"My mantra is..."

No.

"...you have to endure the rain

"if you want to see the rainbow."

What does that mean?

It means I'll have to toss a Viagra in his mouth

- when he's talking.

Daddy's home.

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

What are you doing?

I thought the one upside to getting married

is that you get to let yourself go?

Yeah, what's a Viagra?

Aunty Zoe here, by any chance?

I'll go read to the kids

so you can enjoy some alone time.

Oh, shut up. Nothing inappropriate, please!

- Mmm-mmm. Never.

Come on. Come here.

Once upon a time...

He can come and listen to me on my shoulder.

- Ready? - Yes.

Oh, come here, Maud.

Once upon a time,

there was a girl and she met a frog.

And he promised her

"If you kiss me,

"I'll turn into a handsome prince."

And she said, "I'm not interested

"in fixing anyone but myself.

"And anyway,

"I'd far rather have a cool,

"talking frog than a boring old prince."

- That's not a good story.

Do Cinderella.

All right, I'll do Cinderella, if you're in bed in

five, four, three, two...

Once upon a time,

Cinderella met a handsome prince.

And sometimes, kids, you meet someone,

and you know in a heartbeat

that you want to spend the rest of your life

without them.

Once upon another time,

Cinderella met another prince.

- You can probably tell... Because in fairy tales,

a heroine is incomplete without one.

...how well I've done out of everything,

And do you know what?

You'd be bloody right, actually.

And another prince.

And he asked her to marry him.

And she said,

"No".

Cinderella focused on glass ceilings

instead of glass slippers,

which means she focused on work

and realised she was fine without a boring old prince.

The End.

Check, one, two...

Asalam aleikum, brothers and sisters.

Welcome to this very,

very special Muslim marriage event.

I go by the name of Mo the Matchmaker.

And I'm here to find you a match.

We are gonna end the spinster crisis together, guys.

Come on.

There's someone out there for everyone.

And we all have needs.

Divorcees. Disabled people.

Women over 30.

Okay, brothers,

you may now approach

any sisters that you like the look of.

Good. Rotate. Very nice.

Oh, look at that chemistry.

We keep it halal, here. We keep it halal.

Be honest. You're not gonna get what you want

if you don't say what you want.

Guys, you want a good cook, say you want your Nigella.

Girls, you want the money man,

say, "I'm looking for my Elon Musk."

Use your best lines.

Now we are gonna form a circle of ten.

Five guys, five girls. Chaperones at the back.

Come on, guys, let's do it.

Your parents are gonna be so happy, trust me.

Come on.

And, guys, I want you to be honest, okay?

Is this your first time?

Mate, here, it's everyone's first time.

At least that's what they'll tell you.

- Boys, boys, boys.

What's going on? Why are you talking to each other?

There's girls here. Okay?

Unless you want marriage outside of Islamic sharia,

I suggest you stop talking to the same sex.

All right, boys? Enjoy.

I'm looking for someone who has patience

and an understanding of culture.

Someone who's supportive and honest,

who likes to travel.

Well, just someone who's great.

And who's British enough for me,

and, er, Pakistani enough for my family.

Someone down to earth with a sense of humour,

who will encourage me in my religion.

Where are you from?

Erm, Birmingham. How about you?

Well, I'm from... Well, I'm from London.

- What do you do? - I'm a banker.

- What do you do? - I... Well, I'm a doctor.

Oh, Kaz.

Isn't this a massive, crazy gamble?

I mean...

What if there's no chemistry?

How are you even gonna know,

if you don't believe in sex before marriage

all of a sudden?

I'm not sure I believe in sex after marriage.

Most of my friends have no sex after marriage.

And that's with the loves of their lives.

That's a fair point. It's depressing.

I think you can usually tell

if the sex would work.

Do you wanna go and get a drink?

A Bloody Mary for me, and a Virgin for you.

I've got lunch with my parents.

- Oh. - It's Mother's Day.

Oh, shit.

See you tomorrow. - Yeah.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hi, Zoe.

Ah! Allah kum salam, Aunty Aisha.

- What?

You still can't say it. It's...

Asalam aleikum, Aisha.

There you go.

That's exactly what I just said.

Happy Mother's Day.

Wish I could say the same to you.

I was just saying I wish I could say the same to her.

- Inshallah. Fat chance of that.

I cannot, for the life of me,

find my other washing-up glove.

And these are new. I've looked everywhere.

Gosh, hasn't Kazim got so good...

Where are you? Oh.

...so good-looking?

It's hardly surprising, is it?

Look at his mother. I mean, she...

She's so elegant, she could be Greek

or Italian.

The compliment that's actually an insult.

You wouldn't think they were Muslims

to look at them, would you?

I don't know, Mum.

What do 1.8 billion Muslims all look like?

- Careful. - Just...

We've been very lucky to have them as neighbours.

Actually, they've become like family to me

since your father left for that teenaged whore.

- She's 35. - Exactly.

Oh, is that Grindr?

My hairdresser's never off that.

- Anyone we should meet? - No.

Oh, well, don't leave it too late.

Human eggs have a sell-by date, too, you know.

Maybe I'll freeze them.

I could be a 90-year-old pushing a triple pram.

Well, that's no good to me, is it? Because I'll be dead.

Oh...

How is your egg?

It looks a bit raw.

Mmm.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! My Marigold!

That's where it got to.

He eats your washing-up gloves?

He eats everything.

At least now you can tell which way round he is.

Oh!

I'm ringing my lovely vet.

You're going to have to take him

to James the vet for me tomorrow.

Why can't you take him?

It's my day visiting cancer patients at the Marsden.

I can't. I've got a really important meeting.

It's the children's ward.

He'll be fine.

He's eaten my HRT patches as well.

He'll grow breasts.

You'll grow breasts, you silly dog.

- It's not funny, ZoZo.

It is funny, actually.

James, it's me. I... Erm...

It's the dog. I can't explain,

but something is hanging out of him

at the wrong end.

How's it going then, boy?

Did you find your missus today?

Don't start with me, man.

I knew you were gonna start with me today.

- Let me just enjoy my... Anyone good?

There was no one I clicked with. There was...

Click and collect.

Ammi, come on. There has to be a spark.

- There wasn't even a flicker. - You know what I say.

Simmer first, then boil.

You all want to boil first, then simmer.

And when it cools down, you get disappointed,

and throw out the chai.

Yeah, well, simmer for too long,

you end up with a dry pot.

No-one likes a dry pot, bro.

He threw the thing at me, tell him off.

The problem is, people have too many options.

The distant drum sounds more exciting.

Did you tell him about the girl

that Mo bhai rang about, huh?

There's a very nice girl in Lahore.

Convent educated, excellent family.

Height is okay, five foot two.

If she were five foot, I would hesitate.

Why wasn't I told?

I'll tell you, I'll tell you.

Supposed to have a very good nature.

What am I gonna have in common with someone from Pakistan?

Besides culture, religion,

language, colour, family, genes.

Should I go on?

Yeah, think about it. And your surname will be the same.

She's a Khan?

Passport, credit cards. No change.

But she's not a relation?

No. But nothing wrong with that.

You know, Victoria and Albert were first cousins.

And they had a museum named after them!

Okay, yeah, I know.

Listen, we are meeting

the family over Skype this evening.

You see if you like her.

Please.

Okay. Don't.

Our parents both knew each other.

They wanted us to meet.

But we were both like, "Nah".

"No way".

- Sorry, sorry. - Okay.

Then I saw him at Rumi's Cave.

It's like this cultural centre.

And we were both part of the Muslim archery club.

But we never spoke.

- She was on Minder. - But he was on Muzmatch.

So we were on different paths.

But we were on the same team for the Muslim muggles quiz.

It's for Harry Potter fans,

looking at Islamic values in the series.

- And we identified loads. - And we won!

Team Hufflepuff!

So, then, after that, we agreed to meet.

And I remember saying to myself, you know,

"You wander from room to room sometimes

"looking for the diamond

"that's already around your own neck."

Rūmī.

Okay.

Er, hi.

Hi.

Maymouna. That's a very lovely name.

It's very beautiful.

Thank you.

Are you named after anyone in your family?

Mmm.

No.

I think my parents just liked it.

Great. That's...

You're... You're studying law?

Yes.

Well, I thought about doing law.

But then I didn't.

Do you have any siblings?

I have a brother who lives here with his wife.

And a sister.

I have one brother, and, um,

and...

My sister lives in the Northern Areas.

Her husband is posted there.

The roof of the world.

That's my favourite place on earth.

I haven't been there yet, but...

I remember the first time I went.

Um...

My grandfather took me.

That was his favourite place as well. And, um...

I was just a little boy,

and I'd wandered off and got lost,

and it was weird, I wasn't scared. It was...

It was the first time I felt connected

to something bigger than myself, you know?

Bigger than my own fear, and...

My grandfather gave me

a tight slap when he found me, though.

That's still the place I feel closest to God. Definitely.

And to my grandfather.

How do you feel about possibly moving to London?

- Um... - She's fine with it.

She will love London.

It's a very multi-cultural place.

Full of Pakistanis.

It's like living in a giant brothel.

I'm sorry about this.

- This is my big brother. - It's okay.

- Farooq. - He gives me pocket money.

It's normal.

They take their dogs to dinner

and leave their children at home.

Don't mind her.

Very nice. - Yeah.

What's he been eating this time?

- Mum's HRT patches. - Ah.

And her washing-up glove.

Last time, it was her pop socks.

Oh, God. He's like a fluffy Pac-Man.

Let's take a look at him,

- shall we? - Mmm.

If you could just hold him nice and still.

Okay. Come on, Barney.

- Oh. - There you go.

- Oh, I'm just gonna... - Sorry.

- Sorry. - Sorry.

Sorry. Does he come here often?

So often, I know all his deepest, darkest secrets.

And even some of yours.

No, I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.

- But your mum has told me...

- ...all about you, though. - Oh, God.

Film school in London.

Two documentaries. And a Radio Times

Viewers' and Listeners' Award.

- She gave you my actual CV. - And your complete works.

- I'm so sorry. - Don't worry.

I haven't had a chance to watch them yet,

but they do look really, really great.

Now, this guy is gonna be just fine.

If he hasn't passed them by Friday,

bring him back in, we'll get him X-rayed.

- Okay.

Thanks. Come on, you silly dog.

Good to see you again, Barney.

And, um, it's lovely to

meet you, too, for the first time, Zoe.

And you.

If you ever felt like going out

to get a drink or something, sometime,

- we could... - Thank you.

I'm a bit snowed under with work

- at the moment. - Yeah, sure.

Just 'cause your mum said that you... But never mind.

Um...

- Let me get the door for you. - Yeah.

Thank you. Sorry about that.

- Ta-da! - Er, mmm...

- Uh, look after that guy. - I will, thanks.

- Thanks so much. - And let me know

if your workload...

eases.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Mum ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Thank you!

I can't actually talk right now

because I'm about to, um... I'm about to go and

put some grand eggs on ice for your birthday present.

Ooh!

Yeah. So, you can stop

setting me up with total strangers.

What a wonderful birthday present.

Would you like them gift wrapped?

Is there an express service?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Just come in here on your lunch break.

And then in your 60s,

we defrost your baby.

No.

No.

Egg harvest.

Yeah. Sounds festive, huh? It's not.

Listen, how much do you want to be a mother?

Mmm. Well, I'd rather be a father.

Then you don't have

- to juggle everything. - Yeah.

No, I, um...

Of course, I want to be a mother.

I just...

You know, I want to find the right person. And not yet.

That's why I'm here.

I keep seeing all these women in their 50s having babies.

So, that's gotta be frozen eggs, right?

Ah. The same women that have, like,

really nice skin and no eye bags

because they use the right moisturiser?

Yeah, highly unlikely.

Do you know the success rate for frozen eggs?

Well, I know

- it's not a guarantee.

No.

It's...

1%.

1% of frozen eggs result in a live birth.

Really?

But much better odds for frozen embryos.

- Okay.

Um, how do I freeze an embryo, then?

Just come in with a partner.

Or, you know, pick a sperm donor.

Or just find a nice gay friend. That's...

I don't have a partner.

I thought that was the whole point of this egg freezing,

is that I don't have to put all my eggs in one bastard.

He texted me instead of her by mistake.

- Who is she? - Someone in his office.

I should have known.

He kept not remembering

- her name.

- Hang on.

Where are you going? That's not him, is it?

Can you deal with the kids?

Oh, my God.

Once upon a time,

there was a girl called Little Red Riding Hood.

She'd had a bad week.

And all she wanted was to feel better.

Or to feel nothing.

So, when her mother warned her not to stray off that path,

and talk to any strangers

Little Red Riding Hood thought to herself,

"Where's the fun on a well-trodden path?"

And of course, she met a wolf.

In an instant,

all those bad feelings disappeared, like magic.

"What's the worst that could happen?"

she thought to herself.

"So, a bad boy wolf wants to eat me?

"A little nibble here and there can't hurt.

"Can it?"

I was in the shower.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

Sorry. Yeah, I, um...

I fell asleep with my phone on silent.

- Ooh!

- Man down. Ah, come on. Bloody sub .

You're on.

Did you get the goal, at least?

No, I just got you going down like a skittle.

Great.

That looked painful. Oh.

Hang on, let me just get this mic on.

I've definitely pulled something.

So...

What was...

- What was so urgent? - I, er...

- I've got news. - Yeah?

I'm, er...

I, er... I got engaged.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I know. It's crazy, right? But we've...

been talking quite a lot.

And been texting and FaceTime.

And we keep talking.

I really like her.

And the wedding's not for a whole 'nother month, so...

- A month? - Yeah, I know.

My mum's already handed out sweets to the whole street.

- It's love at first Skype.

Well, obviously not, no.

Love at first anything's a mental health issue.

So, um, how old is she again?

Willmore, track! Willmore!

- 22. Leaving the party early.

Not worried about the age gap?

I knew you were gonna ask that.

No, she's super smart.

And you reckon that you have enough in common?

Well, we will have.

She gets it.

She understands how it all works.

You know, she wants to be

- a human rights lawyer. - Wow.

Sorry.

I'm just taking it all in. Um...

So you really will be marrying a stranger.

I guess, in the end, so is everyone else.

Everyone turns out to be someone else,

or fucking someone else.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

Can you turn the thing on the...

No, no, no. Sorry. Sorry.

Zoe, off!

What's up?

Uh, sorry.

Oh, it's just been a challenging week.

What? Another date with someone you already hate?

What you need is a holiday.

Yeah.

In Lahore.

Mmm.

Oh, darling.

Just in time for a quick bite before we leave.

Great. Oh, sorry. Eggs again?

No, no, no. Omelettes.

Come on.

Ooh, now in there is a little care package

I've put together for us.

Just the basics. Imodium, HobNobs, rape alarm.

Is Barney joining us?

Don't be silly. Although, um...

No, James is coming to pick him up

- and I thought that... Ooh!

There he is. I thought he might like to join us

for a little... Little lunch.

- James! Hi.

My favourite dog whisperer.

Oh, come in.

Zoe. You remember James, don't you?

James delivered your pop socks. Hi.

Talking of which...

- So, how have you been? - Oh, you know, saving lives.

A gerbil, a cat,

octogenarian tortoise who's making a slow recovery.

- Sorry. - He's so funny.

He's so... He's so funny.

Why don't you just sit,

and have a chat while I cook the toast?

So, you're off to a fancy wedding

- in Pakistan, I hear? - Yeah.

I've never missed a Khan wedding,

and I can't wait to wear a burkini

- on the subcontinent. - Wow.

Except for Lahore is nowhere near the sea.

Well, you never know where we might end up.

And when we come back,

we should have dinner with James.

We'll get Helena and Harry over.

Helena is Zoe's very good friend.

She's married to a lovely man called Harry.

Who's been having an affair.

- Harry? - Yes.

- No? I can't believe it. - Yes!

I'm pretty sure most married men would cheat

if they could get away with it.

James wouldn't.

Even if you're sure your wife would never know?

No, of course not.

Why not?

Because I'd know.

Bon appétit.

Mmm.

- Wait a minute, pet.

Oh!

So, erm...

- Oh, hello, darling. - Hello!

You're early. Why are you so early?

Flight doesn't leave for hours.

I know. I know. We just need

to allow extra time for security.

Why?

So, I can be randomly selected.

Oh! Oh.

Oh...

Well, that's a shame.

James was about to tell us

something

- absolutely hilarious.

Look who's here. He says we've got to go.

Sorry, Mum, that your enormous efforts have gone to waste.

But, you know, we've got a plane to catch, and...

Kaz, the doctor...

- Hi. - Hi.

...meet James the vet.

I've heard all about you. Good luck with the wedding.

- Thank you. - Oh. Barney. Barney.

- Mummy go shopping.

Mummy go shopping.

Don't tell Barney that I'm off to Lahore,

because he'll get...

Shopping. Shopping. Stay. Shopping. Stay. Stay.

Let me help you with the cases.

No, I'll get them.

Well, I'm looking forward to hearing how it all goes.

- Yeah, you, too. - Great. Well...

- Oh... - I mean, thanks.

- Great. Yeah. - Bye. Bye.

Oh, James.

I am so sorry that we've got to go. But...

Well, I'll FaceTime you both from Pakistan

or, or...

Cover my FaceTime.

You set me off.

Keep that, just in case you might want to go shopping.

Bye. Darling, bye. Eat the omelettes.

- Okay. Yeah. - Bye. Bye.

Bye!

Barney.

And this is her in the nativity play where...

You don't know what that is,

but I'll explain later.

Her when she was a little baby.

She was only three months old.

Are you all right?

It's thought field therapy. It's, er...

...a technique.

I don't like flying.

Even the lingo's morbid. It's what?

"Final destination". "Departed".

Or "Terminal".

Some nuts, sir? - Thank you.

You're welcome.

Who was that guy at your mum's house?

Mmm.

If I were Pakistani, he'd be my arranged husband.

- Sounds ideal. - Except that he's not my type.

- What is your type? - Oh!

- But is that wrong? - Yeah.

Uh, don't know.

Can I ask you a question?

Would you cheat if you knew you'd never get caught?

Be honest. If your wife would never know.

No.

Why not?

Well, he'd know.

Oh.

- He's listening.

Aren't they desperately uncomfortable

covered up like that in this heat

except for their eyes?

No, not as uncomfortable as those poor women

who are uncovered except for their eyes.

Like on Love Island. You see, Cath,

our women are valued for what's on the inside.

Which is why we don't have plastic surgery

and anorexia,

and all these Western diseases.

Well, I suppose a burka's

wonderfully forgiving, isn't it?

A rupee for your thoughts?

Oh, it's even better with my sunglasses off.

What a beautiful hall.

I'm not trying to upset you.

We can't go on like this.

You know this has caused me the greatest pain in my life.

And that of your grandmother, too.

Then, there's nothing we can do about it.

Okay.

I'm so proud of you.

Let's not spoil this happy occasion.

They met on their wedding day.

He came to her village on a white horse

to take her away from her home.

In youth, even a crow looks princely.

Er, like a charming prince.

I was allergic to horses.

And they rode off together.

And did they fall in love?

Fall in love, lose your peace.

You know, we always say, it is, uh,

better to fall into like, and walk into love.

It was a good match.

It was a good match.

- Asalam o aleikum. - Waleikum salam.

- Asalam o aleikum. - Waleikum.

- Asalam o aleikum. - Waleikum salam.

What a beautiful girl!

Thank you.

Pleased to meet you in person, finally.

Thank you.

How are your studies going?

Good.

Good.

Um, I was thinking we could maybe

do something together this evening.

We met on Skype.

Um...

I thought she was...

You know, attractive, obviously. And intelligent.

Full of life.

I don't know what you thought of me.

I thought he seemed nice and reasonable.

That's great. Um...

Can you tell me

how... How did you propose?

Um...

Well, actually, my...

parents proposed to her parents.

It must have been

daunting for you, Maymouna,

deciding whether to spend the rest of your life

with someone you hardly know.

Mmm.

If my parents are comfortable with their decision,

I'm okay with it.

And we talked a load on the phone.

And then we got to know each other.

Can you sum up how you both feel?

Good.

Feels... Feels like the timing's right.

And...

Can you see yourselves falling in love?

Yes, inshallah.

Whatever "in love" means.

Hmm.

Did he remember you from when you were a kid?

- Yeah, that's family... - Well?

- Hey, morning. - Where are you going?

You haven't even had breakfast.

I need to go to the tailor.

Then I was gonna take Zoe to Anarkali bazaar.

You're gonna love it.

It's a massive bazaar

named after a beautiful dancing girl.

Who was buried alive by Emperor Akbar

because she was an unsuitable match for his son.

Buried alive.

I'll see you later.

Yasmin. Take this for Nani Jan.

I can't believe you said...

"Whatever love means".

Huh?

That's what Prince Charles famously said

when he got engaged to Diana.

I thought that sounded familiar.

They basically had an arranged marriage.

Yeah.

That worked out really well.

Princess Diana wanted to marry a Pakistani man.

- Doctor Hasnat Khan. - Doctor Khan.

- Mother said no. - What happened to him?

He had an arranged marriage.

Lived happily enough ever after?

Got divorced.

He'd become too much Western.

Okay, question.

What did you think of her? In real life?

- She's great. - Yeah, but, um,

did you fancy her?

Zoe, please. Do I have to say that on camera? Come on.

- So annoying. - Fine.

And are you nervous about the mehndi tonight?

Actually, just tell me what that is.

Well, in Pakistan, we really like

to draw out the wedding celebrations.

It's over three days.

Uh...

And first it's the mehndi, which is tonight.

And, uh...

Kind of like a stag and a hen rolled into one.

Except your grandparents are there, which is lovely.

And the groom isn't stripped naked

and tied to a lamppost.

And then the next day is the nikah,

that's the actual marriage.

And the shaadi. Then, er, walima.

Where the main thing is you have to look

like you haven't enjoyed your first night together.

What if you haven't enjoyed

your first night together?

- No comment? - No comment.

Can we go in?

My mum would love this. Can I film in here?

Afghanistan.

It's beautiful. How much is it?

15,000.

Give him 10,000.

Here.

Thank you.

Thanks, Kaz.

You know

all that stuff,

passion, and...

chemistry, whatever you want to call it,

it's not the most important thing.

Doesn't last, anyway.

It's amazing.

He thinks you're my wife.

I'm saying that you're just a friend.

Just friends.

I was your first kiss, too.

In the treehouse.

I just can't believe you've forgotten.

Kaz.

Hmm?

What was that row with your mum about?

It's...

Just about Jamila coming to the wedding.

Why is what she did so bad?

A Muslim woman isn't supposed

to marry a non-Muslim guy. It's haram, innit?

- I know. - She ran off with this guy,

broke my grandfather's heart. Literally.

He died a week later.

You can't blame that on her.

Then she didn't even come to the funeral.

Why not?

She wanted him...

David, to be welcome, too.

Can I film you saying this stuff?

- No. - Please, Kaz.

I can't just show what you want me to show.

If it's not truthful, it just won't have any value.

Please.

- Okay. I'm sorry. - You know they've had a baby?

My mum's first grandchild who she's never even met.

All this unhappiness. All she did was fall in love.

No, that's not all she did, Zoe.

She chose love over family.

But isn't that the whole point of marriage?

There are some things

I don't expect you to understand.

Can you explain to me

how it's so different even though we grew up

on the same street?

- How are we different? - Yes.

- Are you serious? - Please.

Okay.

For a start, you don't get asked every week

where you're from originally,

or how often you go back to Pakistan.

You're British, I'm British born,

which we all know is just code for non-white.

Brit-ish, you know.

And you're not expected to apologise profoundly

on behalf of all brown people

every time there's a terror attack

anywhere in the world.

There was an entire continent

between number 49 and 47, Zoe.

Isn't that why you're making the film?

I have to pray. I'll be back.

Thank you.

Zoe.

Zoe.

You're in the bride's way.

You look very beautiful.

Thank you.

Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Why are all the women here

dressed in easy access garments?

This is Pucci. Baby.

And that's Mousey, Toffee and Binky.

Do they have no shame?

I want to go home.

Nani Jan, please don't leave.

Not yet. It's...

Let her leave.

When dinosaurs leave, at least we all can relax.

Sorry about this.

Not too much smiling.

Now the party starts.

♪ Pin up girl on that poster ♪

♪ Say so like I'm Doja Icey ♪

♪ Wifey Body shape Coca-Cola ♪

♪ I got a new man in my business ♪

♪ And he all about his business ♪

♪ And his name ain't none of your business ♪

Oi, don't get drunk, fellas.

♪ Oh, baby, let them know 'Cause they can run they mouth ♪

Ooh!

What... There's something in that? What's in that?

It's Coke masala.

- Masala? - It's really good.

- It's so good.

- Whisky. - Oh, my God.

♪ Money long like beaches Rolls Royce screeching ♪

♪ Rolex gleaming ♪

♪ Let them know Oh, baby, let them know ♪

♪ 'Cause they can run they mouth ♪

- I'm gonna head over there. Congratulations.

Selfie, selfie.

Have you seen Maymouna?

- I think she was... - There she is.

And she's a blonde.

Kaz! Come!

Ooh!

Kaz, you... You still haven't met my friend.

- Taqi. - Ah.

Lahore's hair king.

Er, queen, darling.

And don't the honeymoon highlights look fabulous, huh?

- Amazing.

- Mmm-hmm. - Nice to meet you.

- Hi. How are you? - High. How are you?

He means, "How high are you?"

Sorry. This is my friend, Zoe. We're friends from London.

- Hi. You want a jay? - Hey.

Oh, no. No, thanks.

Take one.

Taqi brings all the treats to the party. Always.

Darling, I'm only following the rules.

The Quran says,

if a man lies with another man,

- he should be stoned.

Married tomorrow.

- Sin tonight? - I'm good, thank you.

Oh, my God.

I hope I'm not gonna be calling you chachoo.

- What's "chachoo"? - It means "uncle".

I thought that you'd all be more...

More modern,

living in London and all, you know.

But I mean, hello?

Oh...

Finally.

Hmm.

- Let's... Let's dance.

- You coming? - Uh, not right now.

- You guys go. Have fun. - Aw...

I think I'm gonna just...

You want?

No, I'm gonna go and follow... Nice to meet you guys, though.

Bye!

Whoo!

She likes a party.

Yeah.

Not exactly what my parents had in mind.

We should go.

Are you okay?

Just tired.

You're sure it's okay to

leave your own mehndi?

No-one's gonna notice, trust me.

Chachoo.

One second.

Oh, wow. I wanna show you something.

- Come. Come. - What?

Sufi music.

No, Zoe. Just listen. Just listen. He's...

He's singing to God.

Singing about a...

dangerous love.

Keeps him awake at night.

You see?

He's going mad.

I told you, Zoe.

Love is a dangerous mental illness.

What?

I didn't forget it.

The treehouse.

If it wasn't for Islam,

there would have been no Reformation.

- No Renaissance. - Hi.

No toothbrushes.

Hi.

Hello, everyone. That was a hoot, wasn't it?

Have something to eat? - I'm fine.

Where did you all go?

I was perfecting my Hollywood,

Dollywood, Bollywood,

thingies, and I turned round, you'd all disappeared.

What else did Muslims invent?

Algorithms. - Bicycles.

- Coffee. Algebra. - Chickens?

No, that's... - Chicken korma?

- The first flying machine. - Yes.

- Yes, well done. - That's right!

I could do without algorithms myself.

Thank God

the bride didn't join the dancing last night.

Oh, well, no, you...

No, she didn't.

- You enjoyed yourself. - Hi.

That's important.

Um, do you think we can talk?

5:00 p.m. sharp for the nikah, everybody, okay?

- I'm not sure... - No, on camera, I mean.

You're getting married in a few hours.

Yeah.

How are you feeling?

Feeling fine.

No pre-wedding nerves, or...

No.

I'm all good.

You're still fully signed up to this?

Yes.

And this is what you want?

Yes, this is what I want.

Is that it, or...

Got everything you need?

Kaz, this is mad.

What's... What's mad?

I just, um...

I just... I feel like everyone's pretending.

- Who's pretending? - Er...

Everyone.

I mean, just you're pretending Jamila doesn't exist.

Er, pretending Maymouna doesn't dance.

Pretending no one has sex! Kaz, you're 32 years old!

And your parents don't even know you smoke.

Oh, my God. I told you before. That's about respect, Zoe.

This is not a veil on your sins.

This is a bloody great burka shrouding your whole identity.

What do you want?

I don't want you to marry someone you don't love.

Life's too short.

And too long to marry the wrong person.

What do you want for you?

Well, this isn't about me.

Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

You keep questioning my decisions.

Maybe you should focus on your own choices.

What is that supposed to mean?

Maybe the reason you haven't got anyone

to watch a TV series with

is that you actively

search out anyone who is wrong.

Oh, my God. This is bullshit.

No, it's not bullshit.

A man could be wearing a literal red flag,

and you'd think it was a sexy colour on him.

If the first person you date is a dick, you're unlucky.

If the next ten people you date are dicks,

then maybe you need

to take a long look at yourself in the mirror,

and ask yourself why.

Have you got any more

profound psychological insights?

I have a question.

Does it hurt less when you aim low and miss?

Huh.

Be careful.

I didn't see you, Nani Jan.

But you heard me.

Don't break our hearts again.

Agreed.

All Pakistani brides always cry

as they leave their family.

It's a tradition.

Isn't it gorgeous?

Can we have Beauty And The Beast?

Yes, please.

Yeah, of course you can.

Come on, then.

- Coming.

Beauty And The Beast.

Well, Beast had his faults.

But persistence pays off.

He didn't actually lock Beauty in his cellar.

That's just what a relationship

felt like to Beauty.

Over time,

Beauty grew to enjoy Beast's company.

You know,

he was dependable and available,

and there's a lot to be said for those qualities.

Was the Beast her dream hunk? No.

Did he sweep her off her feet? No.

Did he take her breath away? Perhaps not.

But Beauty had learnt

that it's better to simmer, then boil.

Do you not have to be a vegan to do your job?

To be a vet.

No, actually, normally,

I'm only allowed to eat

the animals I put down.

- I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm...

That's so close to the bone.

Right, does anyone want anymore?

What the Beast was, kids,

was good enough.

And sometimes,

good enough is good enough.

And she was in love with the Beast.

She was in like with him.

What do you mean, "in like"?

In like with him, which is way more important.

- Zoe. - Great crowd.

Mmm. Yeah.

- Diverse. Tick.

- Ooh. Grey pound. - Tick.

This is my mum, actually.

Mum, this is Olly and Sam who commissioned the film.

Oh, important.

So nice to meet you. Am I in it?

Oh, you'll have to wait and see.

Yeah.

Oh, that's James.

This is Zoe's boyfriend. Saintly.

And he's a top vet.

Aren't you?

Oh, well, don't know about that.

Britain's Top Vet?

Here we go. Here they come.

Leading vets compete

in a range of medical challenges.

- Excuse me. Excuse me. - James, yes.

- Okay, yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Good.

How... How's married life?

I'm getting settled. It's...

Mmm-hmm.

- I heard you met someone. - Kind of. Um...

My mum did. I followed your example.

- So, yeah. Not a dick.

Result.

Are you happy?

Mmm-hmm.

And you?

Yeah. I'm getting there.

Good.

- Hi. - Hi, Maymouna.

Hi. How are you doing? How are you enjoying London?

London is good.

She's missing home.

- Which is only natural. - Of course.

But, hey, listen. Um...

About the film.

I just... I wanted to warn you. It's a rough cut,

so, it's just... There's still...

Okay, everyone. We are ready to kick off.

- So, Zoe, okay?

Shall we?

- Good luck. - Yeah. Thanks. You, too.

Hello.

Hi, everyone. Um...

Wow, thank you so much for coming. Thank you.

I just wanted to say a few words

about my own journey

making this film.

So, I used to think that arranged marriages

were this mad, out-dated idea.

And, when my friend and neighbour, Farooq, had one,

I couldn't believe he could ever be happy.

But I was wrong.

I was wrong. Um, and now I wonder

as someone with a slightly chequered romantic history...

- Oh, no heckling, please.

Thanks, Mum.

Now I wonder whether there is something to be learned

from a social system which offers the opportunity to meet

available, like-minded,

non-commitment phobic men, um,

chosen by the person who knows you best.

Me. Like me.

And also, you know, maybe between the two extremes

of no choice in forced marriages,

and just too much choice on dating apps...

I'm always on dating apps.

You know,

maybe somewhere between passion and pragmatism,

maybe there's a path to happy ever after.

Inshallah, inshallah.

Inshallah.

Um, okay, I'm gonna stop waffling now.

I'm talking way too much.

But I do want to say just the biggest thank you

to Kaz and Maymouna.

Thank you so, so much

- for allowing me to film...

...you walking into love.

- Er, hi. - Hi.

- All right. Can I just take? - Yeah, of course.

Cheers.

Is it that different from using filters on your Tinder?

It's not really lying, is it?

It's...

We're just told to put

- a veil on our sins. Ooh.

Nikah is a sacred marriage contract.

According to Islam,

bride and groom must both

define their own terms and conditions.

Power of divorce is available to both partners equally.

Mahr is a token commitment

of the husband's responsibility.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

- How's it going down? - Yeah, good.

I don't dare go back in.

- What? - Huh?

You're super talented.

Oh.

Ugh!

- Zoe. - Mmm?

Can we talk?

Nothing good's ever come after those three words, but...

Look...

You're the dream.

If I ever thought I'd end up with someone like you,

I never would have been a tortured teenager.

Ooh.

You're either proposing to me or breaking up with me.

I can't figure out which.

Oh, shit.

I just don't want...

I just can't be your plan B.

- I want more than that. - Don't...

What are you doing? This is fine.

All right? This is going fine.

Yeah, but I don't want fine.

Why?

Everyone likes fine!

Zoe, you don't want fine either.

How do you know what I want?

- What am I gonna tell my mum? - Oh, um...

Tell her that I will probably end up

being your sensible second husband.

Well, I mean, either that or I'll marry the dog.

It was devastating.

I think the worst moment for me was

when we had our beautiful little girl,

and I realised that she would never know her grandparents.

I had such a special relationship with mine.

But I always knew that

that would be the price we'd pay to be together.

I, um... I did read the Quran before we got married

just to try and understand it a bit.

It says, "A husband and wife

"should be like garments to each other.

"To protect and keep each other warm".

We used that in our wedding vows.

Do you have any regrets?

I regret that I caused my family so much pain.

Especially my nani jan, my grandmother.

I can never forget her face when I left.

But, I...

I don't believe that

we choose who we fall in love with. It's...

It's too overwhelming to be in our control.

But even if it had been a choice and not my kismet,

I'd still have chosen him.

Hey.

What were you thinking, Zoe?

I trusted you.

I was just doing my job.

Your job isn't to humiliate my family

by broadcasting our issues to the world.

I had to include Jamila. Come on.

Please, why is that so humiliating?

Number 47...

number 49.

Different continents.

It was beautiful.

- Maymouna.

Thank you.

Zoe, that was a bit cruel.

You could have told me that outfit made me look

like a pile of dirty washing.

- Oh! Mum, not now! - Where's... Where's James?

He just dumped me. So...

Oh, Zoe, what have you done now?

Oh, no! I thought he was finally the solution.

Oh! You sound like Hitler!

Zoe...

Come on, he's the best one you've ever picked.

I didn't pick him. You did.

I'm worried you're gonna end up alone.

You're alone. You seem fine.

- That's different... - Am I

just half a person when I'm not with a man?

Is that what you think?

Am I just not enough for you as I am?

Oh, darling, that's not fair. That's not fair!

- I can't do this. - I didn't...

Zoe.

Do you need to get that?

Why didn't you tell me?

So, what do we do now?

Pretend.

Like everyone else.

"Pretend".

Sleeping Beauty

tried to

fake it to make it.

She was just sad.

And so she went to sleep

for 100 years.

Snow White was also sad.

She ate a poisoned apple on purpose

because she was depressed.

Which literally means

"deep rest".

And...

No-one lived happily ever after

because that never happens in real life.

- Only in fairy tales.

So, yeah,

if we look at the section here...

What are you doing here? All good?

I keep calling and calling, you never answer my phone.

All okay?

Yeah, everything's okay.

How's Maymouna? And...

How are you both getting on?

It's all fine.

Beta, it takes time to adjust.

It wasn't easy for me either at the start.

Your father and I hardly spoke for the first month,

and now look at us.

Sorry, ammi, I'm... So much to do. I'm busy today.

Okay.

So I'll see you both for Eid tomorrow.

If it's confirmed.

I'll call you later, huh?

You know, beta,

why the Prophet said,

"Paradise lies at the mother's feet"?

Because there is no love

greater than a mother's love for her child.

That's why our prayers are double.

You know what I pray for every night?

I pray for your happiness.

And the happiness of all my children.

That's all that matters.

You know, I just wanna be a good son, ammi.

That's it.

For your messages, press two.

Received, 3:34 p.m.

Hi, Zoe. Olly and Sam here

from Big Bull Productions.

Look, we loved the doc,

but we've got a problem, okay? White lens.

Yeah, diverse subject, great.

White director, it's not so great.

Yeah, so, we're gonna have to hit pause

- on the project, okay?

We're really sorry, obviously.

Really sorry. Obviously.

And give us a call if you want a chat.

Oh, shit. - Okay. Bye.

Press two to repeat.

You shouldn't leave your knickers

just lying about on display.

I don't understand.

- Why are you all dressed up? - It's Eid.

I'm going to the Khans.

That's good.

Do you want to come?

No, thank you.

I'm the last person

that they wanna see.

Anyway, I'm packing.

- Where are you going? - Turkey.

For a break.

Since everyone hated my film.

- I must just say...

I do admire your independence.

And I...

You're wrong.

I don't value you less when you're not with a man.

And I'm very, very proud of everything you've achieved.

But...

But, nothing counts before the "but".

Well, but...

There's a difference between independence

and being so cut off

that no-one can get close to you.

We all need other people. Even you.

There's no weakness in that, Zoe.

Zahid's right.

Loneliness is a Western disease

and it's far more deadly than cancer.

The only cure is to allow

other people to care about you, and not...

Not to always push them away.

They say it takes a village to raise a child.

But what about the adults?

I'd say it takes a village to sustain an adult.

And I'm so lucky

to have found my village

next door and...

All I want

is for you to find yours, that's all.

Come here.

- That was you then. - That was my phone.

Saved by the bell.

- Oh, it's from Kaz. - That's nice.

Can I have a biscuit? - Yeah.

- Do I look nice? - Yeah, you look great.

Do you wanna... Do you wanna...

Okay, okay. Um...

Hi.

Uh...

I loved your film, Zoe. And...

I'm sorry if this kind of ruins your ending,

but...

I think it's gonna make it more truthful.

Eid Mubarak.

Eid Mubarak.

Just get the spoon. Uh...

No, no, wait, I'll get that...

- Help me cut. - What do you want me to do?

No, no, not like that!

So festive, as ever!

Eid Mubarak.

Don't you look gorgeous as always.

I've brought you something very, very boring.

- Oh, you needn't have. - And, erm, Zoe's here.

Zoe.

I'm sorry to gatecrash,

but I really need to talk to Kaz, please.

You've been talking quite a lot

to all my children lately.

Jalebis.

I made them especially for you.

Well, thank you. It's just you're trying

- to give me diabetes.

I know you are.

- I'll eat it later.

Can you just get the...

Mmm.

How is everything? Everyone all right?

Yeah, it's tense. That's quite a thing.

I mean, I can't...

- Where's Maymouna? - She's not coming.

What do you mean she's not coming?

- Hello, darling. Eid Mubarak. - Happy Eid.

You smell lovely.

Are you okay? I just saw your email.

- I'm fine. - Okay.

I'm glad you're here.

Kazim. Why isn't Maymouna here?

Is she sick?

Ammi, Maymouna's not sick.

Unless you call heartbreak a sickness.

What do you mean?

Turns out our marriage was more

"insisted" than "assisted".

That's not possible.

They're a modern family.

Everybody was so happy at the wedding.

Where is she now?

She is working up the courage to

tell her parents we're divorced.

Divorced?

What do you mean? Just like...

All you have to say is, "I divorce you,

"I divorce you, I divorce you".

Oh, really? I wish we had that here.

Beta, triple talaq is banned in Pakistan

to stop people from making rash decisions.

Ammi, this isn't rash.

It's... Maymouna was... is...

in love with someone else.

Neither of us wants to pretend any more.

Okay, since it's a day for

bombshell disclosures.

Um, I think we all need

to try and just be a bit more honest.

You may as well all know that I smoke.

That's very bad for you.

And I have done since I was 15.

But you're a doctor now, so, not in public.

I kept asking myself,

"Why is this grown man

"always up there in that treehouse?

"Does he think he is Tarzan?"

And I drink sometimes.

Just some red wine for your cholesterol.

Alcohol has some medicinal value.

That's a relief.

Obviously, I never ever touch pork.

Of course not.

You are Muslim, mmm?

Okay. But there's something way more important. Um...

Ammi...

You always say that Eid is about family coming together.

Yes.

And if Zoe's film has shown us one thing,

it's that...

it's that there's been an important member

of our family missing for too long.

Too long, ammi jan.

Just give me one second.

Sorry.

Inshallah.

She needs her nani jan.

Beautiful.

Sweetheart.

Eid Mubarak, David, Eid Mubarak.

And I need my nani jan.

Nani Jan.

Nani Jan.

Please.

Oh.

Where's Zoe gone?

Is she gone already without saying goodbye?

I've spoken to her about that.

She's halfway to Constantinople by now,

- I shouldn't wonder. - Wait, what?

- Kazim?

- Where have you gone?

Oi, Rapunzel.

Let down your hair.

I'm pretty sure I'm the witch in this fairy tale.

Hi.

Hi.

It's your turn.

Yeah. Um...

I can't speak.

Okay. Sorry. Um...

Okay. I'm gonna put myself on the line here.

Go on.

- This isn't easy. - I know. I know.

I'm really high up

- and there's no safety... - Zoe.

Would you like to watch a whole TV series with me?

Are you sure?

- Mmm... - Because we...

We should take it very...

- You know, take it slowly. - Yeah.

Yeah, like an episode at a time.

- No bingeing. - No bingeing.

Just please don't forget it this time.

I never forgot. Never.

And maybe we could just...

Like, we could have a break clause halfway through.

Always a break clause. Always.

- I... Just... - Hmm.

We couldn't have arranged it better ourselves.

Mashallah!

That means, "Thank God".

Ammi jan always said

this would happen if we came here,

and he went to a mixed university.

Can't be expected to bowl a googly every time.

So, we moved out.

Only down the road to number nine.

Except, er, we call it nine and three quarters.

Harry Potter!

David's getting to know the family.

He's even learning Urdu so he can understand Nani Jan.

Poor little zebra,

never knowing what colour she is.

It's called mixed heritage, Nani Jan.

Mixed heritage?

I don't know what you were expecting.

My head on a stick?

I'm fine.

I am graduated.

I'm a human rights lawyer.

And my parents are super proud.