Original subtitles

>>> LIVE FROM CENTRAL PARK, IT'S

HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, AND THE TEMPERATURE HIT 90 DEGREES THIS WEEK, A FULL TWO MONTHS AHEAD OF

SCHEDULE. WHILE THAT MAY BE TERRIFYING ON A CLIMATE LEVEL, THE WARM

WEATHER CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING. ALL THE FREAKS, CRAZIES, AND WEIRDOS ARE HEADED TO CENTRAL

PARK. AND WE'RE EXPECTED TO SEE SOME ICONIC PARK PEOPLE TODAY, AREN'T

WE, JACE? >> WE SURE ARE. THE MOOD HERE IS ELECTRIC.

THE SMELL OF HORSE MANURE IS IN THE AIR. IT'S A MAN DOING AN AGGRESSIVE

POWER WALK. >> HI THERE. >> FIRST, DISH ON THIS OUTFIT.

>> CERTAIN WILL I. I'M WEARING THE TIGHTEST SPANDEX SHIRT OF ALL TIME, LITTLE

SHORTS, AND A WEIRD HEART RATE MONITOR STRAPPED TO MY ARM. >> ICONIC.

CAN YOU GIVE US A PREVIEW OF YOUR WALK? >> ABSOLUTELY.

BEHIND YOU, BEHIND YOU, ON YOUR LEFT. AND THERE IT IS.

>> WOW, GORGEOUS. DANA. >> WELL, JACE, I AM STAR STRUCK

RIGHT NOW AS I AM JOINED BY NOT ONE BUT TWO PERVERTS WHO CAME TO THE PARK TO PLEASURE THEMSELVES.

>> NICE TO BE OUT OF THE SUBWAY. >> EXCITED FOR THE BIG DAY? >> OH, YEAH.

I GOT MY MODESTY BLANKET AND BY KNOCK LARS, SO I'M GOOD TO GO. >> YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOUR

BOYS, THIS IS BUSHES, BABY. >> ANY NEW TECHNIQUES THIS YEAR? >> OH, JUST ONE.

>> IS THAT A FAKE ARM? >> YEAH. >> WOW!

SHAME ON YOU BOTH. JACE. >> WELL, WE WERE HOPING SHE

WOULD MAKE AN APPEARANCE. IT'S A WOMAN LEARNING TO ROLLER BLADE.

>> YEAH. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN, AND I THOUGHT WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN

ON A CROWDED PATHWAY FILLED WITH THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. >> HORRIBLE PLAN.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. >> HERE I GO. >> AND SHE FELL RIGHT AWAY.

DANA. >> WELL, LOOK WHO I FOUND. TWO OF CENTRAL PARK'S FINEST.

PARK EMPLOYEES WHO DO NOT CARE ABOUT THEIR JOBS. HOW YOU GUYS FEELING?

>> WE ARE VERY HIGH RIGHT NOW. YES. THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

>> AMAZING. ANY WARNINGS FOR THOSE WHO VIOLATE PARK RULES?

>> YOU DO YOU. >> INSPIRING WORDS. JACE, I HEAR YOU'VE SPOTTED AN

ABSOLUTE LEGEND. >> WELL, I HOPE SHE'LL STOP TO TALK.

IT'S A LADY TRYING TO TELL SOMEONE WHERE SHE IS. >> WELL, I DON'T SEE YOU, BITCH.

I'M RIGHT WHERE I SAID I WOULD BE. RIGHT BY THE BIG TREE, THE BIG

TREE NEAR THE BRIDGE. >> OH, JUST MISSED HER. DANA.

>> HE'S BACK. IT'S THE GROWN MAN WITH THE DRONE WHO'S ALONE.

>> HEY, THERE. >> AND YOU WON'T BE FILMING GIRLS LAYING OUT SUN BATHING,

WILL YOU? >> NO. >> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

NOW, JACE, THIS GUY IS BAD, BUT I HEAR YOU'RE WITH ONE OF THE WORST PARK PEOPLE OF ALL.

>> I SURE AM. IT'S THE GUY WITH THE CLIPBOARD WHO WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE A

SECOND FOR A GOOD CAUSE. NOW, PEOPLE ABSOLUTELY HATE YOU. CAN YOU TELL US WHY?

>> WELL, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I ZERO IN ON FOLKS TRYING TO ENJOY THEMSELVES AND PESTER THEM FOR

MONEY. >> ABSOLUTELY. CAN WE SEE THAT IN ACTION?

>> YOU BET. WOW. COOL SHIRT.

YOU HAVE A SECOND FOR -- >> NO! I DONATED BEFORE.

>> WHAT AN ABSOLUTE PAIN IN THE ASS. DANA.

>> IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE. IT'S A CRAZY MAN WITH A MICROPHONE.

>> GOOD TO BE BACK FOR ANOTHER YEAR. >> AND I SEE YOU BROUGHT A LADY

FRIEND WITH YOU. >> I SURE DID. THIS WOMAN WILL BE DEBATING THE

NONSENSE THAT I SCREAM AS IF I'M A RATIONAL MAN WHOSE MIND CAN BE CHANGED.

>> CAN WE GET A PREVIEW? >> OF COURSE. >> OUR PLEASURE.

>> BIDEN CREATED THE CORONAVIRUS. >> THAT IS BOLOGNA!

>> WOW. I CAN'T TELL WHO ANNOYS ME MORE. JACE.

>> WELL, WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR HER TO ARRIVE. IT'S WEALTHY WOMAN AND CHILD.

I FOUGHT TO ASK, WHAT'S THE PLAN TODAY? >> I'M TAKING RILEY HERE TO THE

PLAYGROUND WHERE I'LL SNAP INTO AN IMMEDIATE PANIC IF I LOSE SIGHT OF HIM FOR ONE MINUTE.

RILEY? RILEY! >> OH, NO.

>> WELL, I STILL DON'T SEE YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M DONE LOOKING FOR YOU, BITCH.

YOU COME FIND ME. I'LL BE IN THE GRASS IN A RED BIKINI GETTING MYSELF SOME SUN.

>> WELL, WE'VE GOT PLENTY MORE PARK PEOPLE COMING UP, INCLUDING A WOMAN WITH AN OUT OF CONTROL

DOG AND A PERFORMANCE FROM SOME A-HOLE PLAYING A GUITAR. AND LIVE --

>> OKAY. GIRL, >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

GIRL, >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- FEATURING --

MUSICAL GUEST KAROL G. AND YOUR HOST, ANA de ARMAS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANA de ARMAS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> GRACIAS. GRACIAS. [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

JUST KIDDING. I SPEAK ENGLISH. BUT I DIDN'T WHEN I FIRST GOT TO

THE U.S. I WAS BORN IN CUBA, CAME TO AMERICA WHEN I WAS 26, AND I

LEARNED ENGLISH THE WAY EVERYONE WHO COMES TO THIS COUNTRY DOES, BY WATCHING "FRIENDS."

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE BEST ENGLISH TUTOR WOULD HAVE BEEN CHANDLER BING.

LOOK AT ME NOW, COULD I BE ANY BETTER AT ENGLISH? ACTING HERE WAS DIFFICULT AT

FIRST BECAUSE I DIDN'T ALWAYS UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING. THEN I MET A GUY WHO HAD A CLASS

CALLED HOW TO AUDITION, WHICH WAS DEFINITELY A SCAM. HE HAD ME READ A SCENE, AND

THERE WAS THIS LINE, I BEG YOUR PARDON. BUT I HAD NEVER SEEN OR HEARD

THAT PHRASE, SO I THOUGHT THIS CHARACTER WAS LITERALLY BEGGING. SO WHEN I DID THE LINE, I SAID,

I BEG YOUR PARDON! GIVE IT TO ME! THEN SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CLASS

READ THE LINE, AND I WAS LIKE, OH, CAN I TRY AGAIN? THIS HAS BEEN A MAGICAL YEAR.

NOT ONLY I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT IN THREE WEEKS, I'M GOING OFFICIALLY BECOME AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I AM PROUD TO BECOME A CITIZEN BECAUSE WHEN I MOVED HERE,

EVERYONE WAS SO WELCOMING. WHEN I DID MY FIRST MOVIE IN THE U.S. CALLED HANDS OF STONE, I

GOT TO WORK WITH ROBERT DE NIRO, AND ONE DAY ON SET, HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO CUBA SOON, AND IF I

DO, I'LL SAY HELLO TO YOUR FAMILY. HE ASKED ME FOR THEIR PHONE

NUMBER. I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT, AND ONE DAY I GET A PHONE CALL

FROM MY DAD, HE'S HYSTERICAL, AND I GO, DAD, WHAT'S WRONG, AND HE GOES, ROBERT DE NIRO JUST

CAME TO VISIT ME AT WORK. THAT WAS SUCH A KIND GESTURE, AND I HAVE BEEN SO FORTUNATE TO

WORK WITH SO MANY WONDERFUL ACTORS. MY DAD WAS SO PROUD OF ME, AND

HE WOULD BE PROUD TO SEE ME TODAY STANDING ON THIS STAGE. I FEEL VERY LUCKY TO BE HERE.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME MY NAME WAS IN THE NEW YORK CROSS WORD.

EVERYONE TEXTED ME, AND THEY SAID, YOU MADE IT. AND I THOUGHT I DID.

BUT THEN, A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, SNL CALLED ME AND SAID, ANA, WE WANT YOU TO HOST.

AND I WAS SO SHOCKED AND EXCITED THAT ALL I COULD SAY WAS -- I BEG YOUR PARDON!

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. KAROL G IS HERE.

KAROL G IS HERE. STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HERE IN THE DOME. >> GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING.

I'M TED CONLEY, AND THIS IS THE DOME. NOW LET'S MEET THE TEAMS VYING

FOR A CHANCE AT THE $1 MILLION PRIZE. TEAM ONE, INTRODUCE YOURSELVES.

>> I'M BETH AND THIS IS MY BROTHER-IN-LAW, ROB. >> PROOF THAT IN-LAWS CAN GET

ALONG. WE'RE HAVING FUN. OKAY.

WHO DO WE HAVE ON TEAM TWO? >> I'M CARMEN, AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND MATT.

>> ALL RIGHT. CARMEN AND HER COUSIN MATT. OKAY.

>> NO, NO. MATT'S MY HUSBAND. >> I'M SORRY.

I HAVE A BAD EAR FOR ACCENTS. SOUNDS LIKE YOU SAID THAT MATT'S YOUR HUSBAND.

>> I DID. WE'RE MARRIED. >> UH-HUH.

>> TO EACH OTHER? >> YEPERONI. >> OKAY.

SO, LET ME JUST CLARIFY WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. SO YOU, WHO ARE YOU, ARE MARRIED

TO HE, WHO IS HIM? >> YEP. WE ARE MR. AND MRS. MATTHEW

PATRICK SCHATT. >> YOUR NAME IS MATT PAT SCHATT? >> YES, SIR.

IS THAT OKAY? >> NOT REALLY. NOW, I GOT TO ASK, WHY ARE YOU

ON THE SHOW WHEN YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY EXTREMELY WEALTHY? >> OH, NO, I AM NOT WEALTHY.

>> WELL, THEN, WHY IS SHE WITH YOU? >> ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?

>> NO! OH, MAN, I GOT TO CALM DOWN. I GOTS TO CALM DOWN.

IF YOU'RE NOT RICH, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? >> I DANCE WITH THE SAN

FRANCISCO BALLET, AND MATT WORKS IN THE FOOD INDUSTRY. >> OH, SO YOU'RE A CHEF?

>> NO. I'M A TASTE TESTER AT PURINA DOG CHOW.

>> HE TRIES NEW DOG FOODS TO TELL THEM IF IT'S TOO, LIKE, SPICY.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE DOGS CAN TALK. >> SO YOU EAT DOG FOOD FOR

MONEY? >> SOME DAY, HOPEFULLY. IT'S VOLUNTEER RIGHT NOW, BUT

FINGERS CROSSED IT TURNS INTO A PAID GIG SOON. >> YOU EAT THE DOG FOOD FOR

FREE? OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON. THIS DUDE HAS OBVIOUSLY GOT THE

BADDEST BITCH I EVER SEEN, AND WHAT IS HAPPENING? SORRY, EVERYBODY.

I JUST HAD A STROKE. ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET BACK TO IT.

JUST TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS ABSOLUTE DIME IS MARRIED TO MATT SCHATT.

OH, BETH, YOU GOT AN ANSWER? >> I THINK I DO. HE OBVIOUSLY GAVE HER A KIDNEY

AND SAVED HER LIFE. >> HE DIDN'T GIVE ME A KIDNEY. >> ROB, CHANCE TO STEAL.

>> HE'S A HANGING EIGHT BUT A STANDING 12? >> NO.

AND FYI, HE'S HANGING FIVE AND WHEN HE STANDS IT'S A FOUR. >> SO WHEN HE GETS EXCITED IT

GETS SMALLER? >> THAT'S RIGHT. ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

>> I'M BUZZING IN ON THIS ONE. HERE'S WHAT I THINK, SHE HYPNOTIZED.

>> YOU'RE ALL SOUNDING CRAZY. LOOK AT MY HUSBAND. I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS WHY I'M

WITH HIM. >> THE JUDGES SAY NO. >> I'M SORRY.

CAN WE PLAY THE GAME NOW OR -- >> OF COURSE, OF COURSE. I'M SORRY.

MATT AND CARMEN, YOU WON THE COIN TOSS BACKSTAGE, SO THE FIRST QUESTION GOES TO YOU.

>> OH, MY GOSH. I'M SO NERVOUS. I'M LIKE ALREADY SWEATING.

ONE SECOND. >> FREEZE. ZOOM IN ON THIS.

>> WHAT? >> WHAT IN THE HECK? MATT PAT SCHATT HAS GOT A

GRIFFIN NIPPLES. LOOK AT ALL OF THESE. EWW.

>> YEAH. EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS, A NEW ONE POPS UP.

JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS. >> BABE, PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN.

I'M GOING TO GET TOO EXCITED. >> BUT WHY, THOUGH? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

LET'S JUST TAKE A BREAK WHILE I HAVE ANOTHER STROKE. BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT'S GOING ON. SHE BAD. RIGHT?

SHE BAD. RIGHT? SHE BAD.

BARBIE MOVIE, BUT NOT ALL DOLLS LIVE IN A DREAM HOUSE. SOME ARE BIGGER, YOUNGER,

SADDER. SOME DOLLS ARE AMERICAN GIRLS. >> HI, KIRSTEN.

>> HI MOLLY. >> HI SAMANTHA. >> AND I'M ADDY.

NO ONE SAID HI TO ME. >> THIS SUMMER, A NEW LIVE ACTION STORY ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE

HISTORICALLY ACCURATE DOLLS, EACH WITH THEIR OWN BACK STORY. >> I'M FROM VICTORIAN TIMES.

I WATCHED MY PARENTS DIE IN A BOAT. >> THAT'S OKAY.

MY DADDY'S A PRISONER OF WAR, AND TRAGICALLY, I HAVE GLASSES. >> THAT'S OKAY.

MY MAMA IS DEAD. >> THAT'S OKAY. I DON'T KNOW MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE

I'M A RUN AWAY SLAVE. >> LET'S PLAY. >> YEA!

>> DO THEY HAVE PINK CORVETTES? NOPE, BOYFRIENDS, NO WAY. DID ALL THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS DIE

OF VAGUE OLD-TIMEY DISEASES? ABSOLUTELY. >> FASHION SHOW.

>> COME FOR THE FUN, STAY FOR THE OVERBURDENED PRETEENS WEARING FOUR LAYERS OF COATS AND

PANTALOONS. >> WHAT'S WRONG? YOU'VE BARELY TOUCHED YOUR TEA.

>> THE MEMORY OF MY MAMA IS SLIPPING AWAY. LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.

>> THAT'S OKAY. >> YEAH. >> AUDIENCES ARE RAVING.

WE LOVED IT, SAYS GIRLS WHO PLAYED SOCCER MAGAZINE. THE NEW YORK TIMES WRITES, THESE

LITTLE GIRLS ARE GOING THROUGH TOO MUCH. >> WHAT DO YOU SAY, GIRLS,

SHOULD WE HAVE A SLEEPOVER TONIGHT? >> YEA.

>> WHAT ABOUT YOU, ADDY? >> I'M GOOD. I DON'T TRUST NONE OF Y'ALL.

>> WATCH AS THE AMERICAN GIRLS TRAVEL ON A JOURNEY FROM AMERICAN GIRL LAND TO THE MODERN

WORLD. >> I'M GOING TO STOP WORLD WAR II.

>> AND I'M GOING TO STOP THE SPANISH AMERICAN WAR. >> AND I'M GOING TO END CHOLERA.

SPANISH AMERICAN WAR. >> AND I'M GOING TO END CHOLERA. >> THAT'S OKAY.

A PRODUCER. I'M ABOUT TO RELEASE MY FIRST ALBUM.

JALAPENO JONES. >> THANKS FOR HELPING US OUT TODAY.

>> HOW Y'ALL DOING? >> WHAT'S GOOD, SPICY? >> WE JUST LOOKING FOR A NEW

PRODUCER TAG FOR MY BEATS, SOMETHING SEXY AND COOL. >> FOR EXAMPLE, SOMETHING LIKE,

MAKE THAT MUSIC. >> AND WE'VE HEARD YOU HAVE SOME BEAUTIFUL VOICES, SO WE NEED TO

HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE, YOUNG SPICY SO FUEGO. >> WE CAN DO THAT.

>> WE GOT YOU, MR. SPICY. >> I'M GOING TO START THE BEAT, YOU TWO TAKE IT AWAY, AND WE'LL

GET SOME LUNCH. >> WE'LL GIVE YOU SOME OPTIONS. YOUNG SPICY GOT THAT FIRE.

>> YOUNG SPICY'S FLAMING HOT. >> EXACTLY LIKE THAT. KEEP THAT GOING.

>> OOH, YOUNG SPICY, YOU STUPID. >> OOH, SPICY CAN'T READ. >> DAMN, SPICY, YOU ILLITERATE.

>> OKAY. I LOVE IT. BUT JUST FYI, I CAN READ.

I'M A READER. >> OKAY. >> ALL RIGHT.

WE GOT YOU. WE GOT YOU. >> OOH, SPICY CAN READ BUT HAS

TROUBLES WITH MATH. >>LET STOP. >> I THINK WE GOT IT, MAN.

LET'S GET SOME LUNCH. >> NO LUNCH. SO Y'ALL REMEMBER THE

ASSIGNMENT, RIGHT? >> WE HEAR YOU. WE GOOD.

>> WE'RE ARTISTS. WE JUST RESPONDING TO THE VIBES. >> LET'S DO A DIFFERENT VIBE

THEN. LET'S DO SOMETHING LIKE, TO OH, SPICY, THESE BEATS NASTY.

>> ALL RIGHT, COOL. >> ONE MORE TAKE AND THEN WE ALL GETTING GYROS.

TZATZIKI SAUCE ON THE SIDE. TAKE TWO. >> OH, SPICY, YOU FILTHY FOR

THIS. >> LET'S GET A COUPLE MORE LIKE THAT, YEAH.

>> SPICY, WHY YOU SLEEP NEXT TO YOUR LAUNDRY. >> SPICY DON'T WASH HIS PILLOWS.

HE'S GROSS. >> DAMN, SPICY, YOU GOT THAT DARK RING AROUND YOUR TOILET.

I'M UNCOMFORTABLE HERE. >> DAMN SPICY, YOU LIKE THAT. >> STOP.

OKAY, LADIES, I AM BEGGING YOU. CAN Y'ALL SAY SOMETHING LIKE, OH, THE LADIES LOVE SPICY?

>> YEAH. AND AFTER THIS TAKE, I'M GOING TO GET SOME HUMMUS WITH THE PITA

BREAD. >> DAMN, SPICY GETTING EVERYTHING PREGNANT.

>> GETTING CLOSER. >> THE BABY'S YOURS FOR SURE. >> DAMN, SPICY, MY WATER BROKE.

>> DAMN, SPICY, I'M GOING TO NAME THE BABY DELONTE. >> SPICY, DRIVE ME TO THE

HOSPITAL IN YOUR 2001 COROLLA. >> NO, NO BABY STUFF, AND LEAVE MY COROLLA OUT OF THIS, ALL

RIGHT? TALK ABOUT HOW LIKE SPICY GETS YOU HOT, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> OKAY. >> DAMN, SPICY GOT ME SWEATING. >> YEAH, THANK YOU.

>> OH, I DON'T USUALLY SWEAT LIKE THIS. I'M SCARED.

>> DAMN, SPICY, WHY THE ROOM SPINNING ALL THE SUDDEN? >> DAMN, SPICY, ALL I HAD WAS

ONE SPRITE. I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING LIKE THIS.

>> OOH, I THINK SPICY PUT SOMETHING IN MY DRINK. >> SPICY NEEDS TO BE ON A WATCH

LIST. >> CUT THAT. DELETE THAT, ACTUALLY.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST CALL IT A DAY. I'M GOOD.

>> OKAY. I MEAN, LISTEN -- >> WHATEVER.

I MEAN -- >> RIGHT? COME ON.

>> WE GAVE YOU FUEGO. >> YOU SHOULD JUST USE THE ONE ABOUT THE RING AROUND YOUR

TOILET FOR REAL. >> SPICY, CAN I TRY ONE? PLEASE?

>> ALL RIGHT. >> YEAH, SPICY GOT THAT FIRE. >> I LIKE THAT.

>> YEAH, YEAH, SPICY GOT THAT HEAT. >> OKAY.

>> SPICY STRUGGLES WITH HIS READING. >> NO!

READING. >> NO! >> THAT'S NOT IT?

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] EXCELENTE. BEFORE WE GET STARTED, WHAT DID

EVERYONE DO THIS WEEKEND? AND REMEMBER, ANSWER IN ESPANOL. >> COMO SE DICE EDIBLES?

>> OKAY. >> MR. McINTOSH? >> HOLA, PRINCIPAL DAVIDSON,

COMO ESTAS? >> THE NEW TRANSFER STUDENTS ARE HERE.

COME ON IN, GUYS. >> HAVE A SEAT. [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

I'M ASKING YOUR NAMES IN CASE >> -- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

>> -- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> UH-OH.

A LITTLE FAST. THAT WAS A LITTLE FAST POR ME, VERY COOL.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET STARTED. TODAY, WE'RE GOING OVER OUR

FAVORITE FOODS. OKAY? SO, RICKY, WHAT IS YOURS?

>> MI FAR VRKS ORITA IS PIZZA. >> ES PIZZA. WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUGO?

>> -- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> YUMMY!

>> WHOA! WHAT DID HE SAY, MR. McINTOSH? >> SI, SI, I HEARD RICE

SOMEWHERE IN THERE, AKA, NIES. >> I THINK YOU MEAN ARROZ. >> YES, YES.

ARROZ. YES, ARROZ, OF COURSE. OF COURSE.

SO, HUGO LIKES ARROZ. ALL RIGHT. I AM SWEATING A LITTLE BIT.

WHO ELSE WANTS TO SAY THEIR FAVORITE FOOD? OKAY.

ANYBODY ELSE? OKAY. MARIA.

>> -- [ SPEAKING SPANISH ] >> RICO, SI.

>> SENOR McINTOSH, COMO SE DICE I'M IN LOVE? >> OKAY.

VERY GOOD PREGUNTA. ESTOY EMARADO. >> IN MY COUNTRY, WE SAY --

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ] WHICH MEANS GOING DOWN THE HILL WITH NO BRAKES.

>> SI. THAT IS SO MUCH MORE ROMANTIC. I LOVE THAT.

YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, I CAME IN FEELING BUENO, BUT NOW I'M STARTING TO FEEL ASI ASI.

>> JUST SO YOU KNOW, NO ONE IN OUR COUNTRY SAY ASI ASI. >> THAT'S LIKE IF SOMEBODY SAY

HOW ARE YOU, AND YOU SAY, THAT, THAT. >> SI, SI, I KNOW.

I WAS KIDDING. ESTOY KIDDING. I'M FEELING -- I'M FEELING A

LITTLE CALIENTE UNDER MY COLLAR. TMA, ES UN TMI, I THINK I GOT THE RUNS.

I'M GOING HEAD TO EL BANO. >> WHILE MR. McINTOSH IS GONE, CAN YOU GUYS TEACH US SOME

STUFF? >> AND TO HELP US, WE BROUGHT SOME BACKUP.

>> OKAY, CLASS. I JUST THINK THAT WE NEED TO START FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.

>> UH-HUH. >> THE ALPHABET. >> OKAY.

HIT IT. ** **

>>> THAT AFTERPARTY ON SATURDAY WAS WILD, HUH? >> SUPER WILD.

THAT OPEN BAR GOT ME GOOD. CAN'T HELP BUT HAVE A LITTLE HANGXIETY.

>> ABOUT WHAT? >> I DON'T KNOW. I WASN'T LIKE WEIRD TO ANYONE,

WAS I? MICHAEL LONGFELLOW. KISS ATTACK.

I WANT TO SEE THEM LONG FELLOWS. >> DUDE! STOP IT!

>> THAT'S JUST HANGXIETY, MAN. IT'S ALWAYS WORSE IN YOUR HEAD THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

>> OKAY. COOL. JUST WOKE UP TO A LOT OF MISSED

CALLS. NO BIG DEAL. PROBABLY JUST HANGXIETY.

>> NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT, DUDE. LIKE, MARK, ME AND YOU ARE FINE,

RIGHT? WE'RE ALL GOOD? >> YEAH.

WHY WOULDN'T WE BE? >> GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK NOW! >> OH, YOU WANT YOUR PHONE?

>> YEAH, GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK NOW! >> JUST MAKING SURE.

ALL GOOD. >> MAN, HOW MUCH DID WE DRINK? >> NOT MUCH.

I HAD LIKE TWO NEGRONIS AND MAYBE LIKE 40 BEERS. >> WHOEVER WAS BAR TENDING WAS

MAKING THEM STRONG. >> DUDE, LET ME MAKE IT, YOU'RE TOO SLOW.

>> I'M FILMING YOU. >> GO AHEAD, FILM ME. >> MAKE IT.

>> MAN, WHO ORDERED THE MARGARINI? I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

>> HEY, GUYS. >> ANA. >> THAT PARTY WAS FUN ON

SATURDAY. >> THANKS FOR COMING. >> YOU WERE A DELIGHT.

>> AND WERE ME AND YOU KIND OF VIBING? >> SO LIKE ARE YOUR THOUGHTS

USUALLY IN SPANISH OR ENGLISH? >> CAN YOU STOP LIKE YELLING IN MY MOUTH?

>> YOU'RE HILARIOUS. >> SERIOUSLY, YOU SMELL LIKE YOU HAVE A DEAD TOOTH.

>> I LOVE IT. >> I DON'T THINK SO. >> COOL.

DIDN'T THINK SO EITHER. BACK TO WORK. >> WELL, ANA, EVERYONE LOVED

YOU. SERIOUSLY, I WAS WITH PEOPLE ALL NIGHT, AND ALL WE COULD TALK

ABOUT WAS HOW FUN YOU WERE BEING. NO!

>> THANK YOU. IT'S JUST SO NICE TO SEE YOU GUYS HOW YOU REALLY ARE LIKE A

FAMILY HERE. * DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME * >> YOU NEED AUTO TUNE!

YOU NEED AUTO TUNE! >> YOU'RE A JEALOUS BITCH! >> LITERALLY THE POT CALLING THE

KETTLE BAD! >> MY SHIRT! >> FAMILY.

>> WE ARE. >> TOTALLY. >> HEY, GUYS.

OH, IT'S MESSY IN HERE. THAT'S CRAZY. I JUST WANT TO SAY YOUR BEHAVIOR

AT THE AFTERPARTY WAS UNACCEPT LABLE. >> SORRY, MIKEY.

>> THIS IS A WORK PLACE. ACT LIKE IT. >> OKAY, MAN.

ACT LIKE IT. >> OKAY, MAN. GOD.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** **

[ SINGING IN SPANISH ] ** **

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** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.

>> I'M COLIN JOST. THE PERSON WHO ALLEGEDLY LEAKED CLASSIFIED PENTAGON DOCUMENTS ON

SOCIAL MEDIA HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED AS JACK TEIXEIRA WHO IS A MASSACHUSETTS AIR NATIONAL

GUARDSMAN, I ASSUME IN A SCHOOL PLAY. HE SHARED IS DOCUMENT IN A

PRIVATE SOCIAL MEDIA GROUP THAT MEMBERS SAY STARTED AS A PLACE WHERE YOUNG MEN COULD PLAY WAR

THEMED VIDEO GAMES, BOND OVER THEIR LOVE OF GUNS, AND POST RACIST MEMES, AND NOW IT'S

RUINED. IT WAS REVEALED THAT JUST BEFORE HIS ARREST, TEIXEIRA CONTACTED

THE MEMBERS OF HIS GROUP AND SAID, GUYS, IT'S BEEN GOOD. I LOVE YOU ALL.

OF COURSE, HIS FRIENDS ALL REPLIED, GAY. >> THE ONLINE GROUP TEIXEIRA

STARTED WAS NAMED THUGS SHAKER CENTRAL. THAT'S ALSO WHAT COLIN CALLS

ATLANTA. PRESIDENT BIDEN IS TRYING TO DOWN PLAY THE RECENT LEAK OF

CLASSIFIED U.S. DOCUMENTS THAT WERE POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE OVER 80, A

COUPLE OF LEAKS IS NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. >> IN AN INTERVIEW, DONALD TRUMP

CLAIMED NEW YORK POLICE AND COURT EMPLOYEES WERE CRYING WHEN THEY ARRESTED HIM.

WHY IS EVERYONE IN TRUMP'S STORIES ALWAYS CRYING? >> PEOPLE CAME TO ME AND THEY

SAW ME, AND THEY WERE CRYING. VERY TOUGH, VERY STRONG, VERY POWERFUL MEN WERE CRYING.

THEY HAD TEARS IN THEIR EYES. THEY WERE ALL CRYING. PEOPLE WERE CRYING.

THESE PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T CRY WHEN THEY WERE BABIES, AND THEY WERE CRYING.

A LOT OF THEM WERE CRYING. >> YOU'RE BRAGGING THAT WHEN PEOPLE SEE YOU, THEY JUST LIKE

BURST INTO TEARS, BECAUSE IT NEVER SOUNDS LIKE EXCITED CRYING.

IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE SCARED CRYING LIKE WHEN HOSTAGES SEE JIGSAW.

>> AFTER A JUDGE'S RULING LEFT ACCESS TO ABORTION PILLS UNCERTAIN, SOME STATE OFFICIALS

ARE STOCK PILING THEM JUST IN CASE. CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM

AND NEW YORK COMEDIAN, MICHAEL CHE. AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT

HARLAN CROWE BOUGHT CLARENCE THOMAS' HOME, HE SAID HE DID IT SO HE COULD TURN IT INTO A

MUSEUM CALLED THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT HALL OF FAME. >> CONSERVATIVE JUDGES HAVE

DEFENDED THOMAS SAYING HIS DEALS WITH HARLAN CROWE ARE NOT CORRUPT BECAUSE HE HAD NO DEALS

BEFORE THE COURT. DOES THIS BILLIONAIRE STRIKE YOU AS SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT THEM

TO OVERTURN ROE V WADE? HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S AN A PAMPHLET CALLED WHY YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT.

>> PRESIDENT BIDEN TRAVELED TO IRELAND THIS WEEK AND IS BEING CALLED THE MOST IRISH PRESIDENT

SINCE KENNEDY. BIDEN HAS SO MUCH IRISH BLOOD THAT HE DOESN'T NEED A DRINK TO

SLUR HIS WORDS. >> WOW. >> DID THAT GET YOUR PEOPLE?

>> EASY. SENATOR DIANE FEINSTEIN WHO IS 89 IS FACING CALLS TO RESIGN

FROM FELLOW DEMOCRATS. UNFORTUNATELY, FEINSTEIN IS ANSWERING THOSE CALLS ON HER

STAPLER. >> REPUBLICAN SENATOR TIM SCOTT OF SOUTH CAROLINA ANNOUNCED THE

LAUNCH OF AN EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE FOR A 2024 PRESIDENTIAL RUN.

THAT NAME AGAIN IS TIM SCOTT, AS IN TIM'S GOT NO CHANCE OF BEING A NOMINEE.

>> THE NEW MARIO BROTHERS MOVIE IS A HUGE HIT, AND MANY FANS WERE HOPING FOR AN APPEARANCE

FROM ONE OF THE COOLEST CHARACTERS, FUNKY KONG. SO HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS

FUNKY KONG. >> WHAT'S U COLIN? WHAT'S UP, LADIES?

WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL GOING HOME WITH FUNKY KONG. >> ALL RIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, FUNKY KONG? >> I'VE BEEN BETTER. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE ALL

OVER THIS MOVIE THAT JUST MADE $500 MILLION -- 600. BUT THIS IS HOW MUCH YOU GET TO

SEE OF ME. >> YOU'RE JUST IN THE BACKGROUND?

WHAT HAPPENED? >> THEY CUT ME OUT. I GUESS I'M TOO REAL FOR THEM.

THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT I GOTS TO SAY, AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT TO WATCH ME

WORK. BRING IT BACK. **

>> WOW. I'M SO SORRY YOU GOT CUT. >> FUNKY DON'T WANT TO BE WHAT

THEY WANT, COLIN. FUNKY DON'T THROW NO BARRELS. FUNKY KONG SPENDS ALL DAY

CRUISING IN MY CART AND MY NIGHTS WITH A GLASS FULL OF BANANA RUM AND A BED FULL OF

TOADS. >> ARE THE TOADS MALE OR FEMALE? >> FUNKY DON'T KNOW, FUNKY DON'T

ASK. >> IT'S A SHAME YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOVIE BECAUSE YOUR COUSIN

DONKEY KONG IS A MAJOR CHARACTER. >> YEAH, DONKEY KONG IS ALL UP

IN IT. BUT THEY AIN'T EVEN USE MONKEY KONG.

>> WHO IS MONKEY KONG? >> HE'S A DONKEY. THEM JAPANESE PEOPLE SURE ARE

INTERESTING. YOU KNOW THEY KICKED ME OFF THE SET?

>> WHAT? WHY? >> BECAUSE I WAS IN MY TRAILER

DRUMMING ON BOOTY CHEEKS LIKE BONGOS. I WAS IN THERE LIKE, BOOTY

CHEEKS, BOOTY CHEEKS. >> GREAT. REALLY GREAT.

SO YOU WERE ORIGINALLY IN THE MOVIE. >> ABSOLUTELY, MAN.

I HAD A FEW CHOICE SCENES. I WAS INCREDIBLE. I EVEN HAVE THE OLD SCRIPT RIGHT

HERE. READ THIS WITH ME. I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT. YOU BE MARIO AND LUIGI. >> LUIGI, WE GOT TO GET TO THE

CASTLE. BUT THE FASTEST WAY IS RAINBOW ROAD.

MARIO, RAINBOW ROAD? WE'LL FALL OFF. >> MAN, AIN'T NO BITCHES IN

HERE. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S THE ORIGINAL LINE.

>> I TOLD YOU, MAN. I WAS DOPE. GO TO PAGE 36, MAN.

THE SCENE WITH ME AND PEACH. >> YOU AND PEACH. OKAY.

PRINCESS PEACH, FUNKY KONG, THEY'RE HOLDING OUR FRIENDS PRISONER AT WARIO STADIUM.

CAN YOU HELP? >> GIRL, WHY DON'T YOU GO ON AND OPEN UP THAT PEACH AND LET ME

SEE WHAT'S INSIDE. >> ALL RIGHT. HONESTLY, I CAN SEE WHY THEY CUT

YOU OUT. >> COME ON. PEOPLE WOULD HAVE EATEN THAT UP,

MAN. YOU EVER HAD MONKEY MEAT? >> NO.

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID LAST NIGHT. BRING IT BACK!

BRING IT BACK! >> FUNKY KONG, EVERYONE. >> I'LL TAKE THAT.

TITLE FORMERLY KNOWN AS MS. STATEN ISLAND. LOSER.

>> YOU AND FUNKY KONG? ARCHEOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD SCOREBOARD

USED FOR AN ANCIENT MAYAN BALL GAME. THE SCORE WAS MAYANS 24, NEW

YORK JETS, 0. THE DEPARTMENT OF SANITATION HAS LAUNCHED ITS FIRST CAMPAIGN WITH

MESSAGES SUCH AS, IF YOU LITTER, YOU'RE GARBAGE, WHICH IS ACTUALLY DIALLED BACK FROM THE

ORIGINAL VERSION, YOUR LITTER BELONGS IN THE TRASH NEXT TO YOUR WHORE WIFE.

>> A PROPOSED BILL IN CALIFORNIA WOULD CREATE AN ALERT SYSTEM FOR MISSING BLACK WOMEN AND KIDS.

THIS IS IN ADDITION TO THE ALERT SYSTEM FOR MISSING WHITE WOMEN AND KIDS, THE NEWS.

>> WITH MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES ON THE RISE, SOME AMERICANS ARE SEEKING ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF

WELLNESS. HERE TO HELP IS MEDITATION GURU GENESIS FRY.

>> HELLO, COLIN. JOIN ME, WON'T YOU, ON A GUIDED MEDITATION TO THE CENTER OF YOUR

MIND. >> OH. LIKE RIGHT NOW?

>> YES, COLIN. COLIN, ARE YOU READY TO MEET COLIN?

>> OH, I DON'T KNOW. I'M SCARED. >> COLIN, TAKE MY HAND.

CLOSE YOUR EYES. >> OKAY. >> I WANT YOU TO PICTURE

YOURSELF AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT, COLIN. AS USUAL, FANS ARE TAKING

PICTURES WITH CHLOE, SELFIES WITH BOWEN. YOU STEP OUTSIDE, AND NOT A

SINGLE BALL FLASHES. >> THAT'S NOT TRUE. >> RELAX.

RELAX YOUR ARMS, RELAX YOUR BODY, RELAX YOUR ARMS. SOFTER THAN I IMAGINED.

>> OKAY. >> YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR WITHOUT ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR DRIVER.

HE'S LIKE A SUBHUMAN CREATURE TO YOU. >> THAT'S NOT TRUE.

>> WHAT'S HIS NAME, COLIN? >> IT'S -- LET'S JUST FOCUS ON THE MEDITATION RIGHT NOW.

>> YOU GET HOME AND YOU REWATCH TONIGHT'S UPDATE. 21 LAUGHS FOR MICHAEL, FOUR FOR

YOU. YOU'RE IMPROVING, BUT IT'S SLOW. >> GENESIS, COME ON.

>> SHH, COLIN, RELAX. RELAX. >> I'M RELAXED.

>> RELAX. >> I'M RELAXED. >> REPEAT AFTER ME, I AM COLIN

JOST. >> I AM COLIN JOST. >> I AM FULL OF LIGHT.

>> I AM FULL OF LIGHT. >> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. >> EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.

>> WAS SIMPLY HANDED TO ME. >> I AM NOT SAYING THAT. >> IT'S OKAY, COLIN.

IT'S NATURAL THE FIGHT AGAINST THE BREAKTHROUGH. GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

>> YOU'RE ALREADY HOLDING MY HAND. >> I KNOW.

WOW, IT'S SO SOFT. YOU'VE NEVER DONE AN HONEST DAY'S WORK IN YOUR LIFE.

>> NO, NO. >> RELAX. PICTURE IT, COLIN.

YOU'RE IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT STILL FUMING ABOUT THE BILINGUAL

MONOLOGUE! >> THAT WOULD NOT UPSET ME! >> YOU'RE SO ALONE.

THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO CARES ABOUT YOU IS ANTONIO. >> WHO IS ANTONIO?

>> YOUR DRIVER, COLIN! SO SUNDAY MORNING, PICTURE IT, COLIN, YOU'RE STANDING IN THE

NBC GIFT SHOP TO SEE IF ANYONE RECOGNIZES YOU. >> SUNDAY MORNING?

>> NO ONE DOES. FINALLY, A MAN SEES YOU, HE RUNS UP TO YOU SO EXCITED.

COLIN JOST, COLIN JOST, HE SAYS. AND HE SERVES YOU WITH COURT PAPERS.

>> COURT PAPERS? >> TURNS OUT, SOMEONE DOES RECOGNIZE YOU, 32 WOMEN TO BE

EXACT. >> YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP. >> REPEAT AFTER ME, COLIN.

I AM COLIN JOST. >> I AM COLIN JOST. >> I AM A STAR.

>> I AM A STAR. >> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE

IT. >> IF YOU WANT TO SHINE LIKE THE SUN, FIRST YOU HAVE TO BURN LIKE

IT. >> YOU DID IT, COLIN! YES!

>> WOW. I ACTUALLY LOVE THAT LAST QUOTE. DID YOU JUST COME UP WITH THAT?

>> NO. IT'S A FAMOUS HITLER QUOTE, COLIN.

AND NOW IT'S A YOU QUOTE TOO. >> ALL RIGHT. GENESIS FRY, EVERYONE.

>> A NEW REPORT FROM THE CDC SHOWS THAT IN 2021, CASES OF SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES

JUMPED BY 7% TO WHAT EXPERTS DESCRIBE AS NURSING HOME LEVELS. IT'S HAPPENING, GUYS.

>> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THE AVERAGE MAN EXAGGERATES THE LENGTH OF THEIR PENIS BY 20%,

BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO ADD 20% FOR TIP? >> TWO 81-YEAR-OLD WOMEN HAVE

TRAVELED THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS AFTER THE POST OFFICE LOST THEIR ASHES.

>> A GROUP OF HIKERS IN GREAT BRITAIN HAD TO BE RESCUED WHEN THEY GOT LOST AFTER TAKING

PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS. MORE EMBARRASSING, THEY NEVER ACTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE.

AND POLICE IN AUSTRALIA ARRESTED A MAN AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT AT A BUS STOP MASTURBATING FOR OVER

AN HOUR. AUSTRALIA, WHERE THE POLICE LET YOU FINISH.

>> SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR, OVER 400 ANTI -- [ LAUGHTER ]

SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR, OVER 400 ANTI-LBGTQ BILLS HAVE BEEN INTRODUCED ACROSS THE

COUNTRY, MANY OF WHICH TARGET TRANSYOUTH. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS SOMEONE

WITH THEIR OWN INTRODUCTION. >> INTRODUCING SNL'S FIRST NONBINARY CAST MEMBER.

IT'S MOLLY KEARNEY! >> THANK YOU, MR. CHE. >> MOLLY, WHAT IS ALL THIS.

>> WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO COME TO UPDATE AND TALK ABOUT TRANSPEOPLE, BUT

I HAVE FOR A MUCH LONGER TIME THAN THAT WANTED TO FLY DOWN FROM THE CEILING.

>> DID IT LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS? >> YEAH.

BUT THIS HARNESS IS PRETTY TIGHT AND MY GROIN AREA IS BEEFED. I HAVE BEEN HUNG UP ON MY

GENITALS FOR FAR TOO LONG, AND I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A FREAKING REPUBLICAN LAWMAKER.

HELLO. >> THAT'S AN AWESOME TRANSITION. AS OF THIS WEEK, THERE ARE NOW

OVER 14 STATES THAT HAVE PASSED BILLS RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE FOR TRANSKIDS.

>> LISTEN TO THAT, MICHAEL, RESTRICTING HEALTH CARE FOR KIDS.

FOR SOME REASON, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE WORD TRANS THAT MAKES PEOPLE FORGET THE

WORD KIDS. IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT TRANSKIDS LIVES, IT MEANS YOU

DON'T CARE ABOUT FREAKING KIDS' LIVES. >> WOW.

I CAN TELL YOU'RE REALLY UPSET ABOUT THAT. >> I AM!

AND ALSO, MY LEGS ARE GOING NUMB, AND I MIGHT PASS OUT. >> HOW LONG WERE YOU HANGING UP

THERE? >> LONGER THAN I WOULD HAVE LIKED.

I TRIED TO CALL DOWN, BUT NO ONE COULD HEAR ME. AT ONE POINT, I HEARD A CREW GUY

SAY, IS SHE GONNA DIE UP THERE. AND THEN ANOTHER GUY WAS LIKE, YOU MEAN, ARE THEY GONNA DIE UP

THERE. AND THEN THEY BOTH WALKED AWAY AND DIDN'T HELP, WHICH FEELS A

LOT LIKE HOW TRANSPEOPLE ARE BEING TREATED RIGHT NOW. BUT DON'T WORRY.

WE HAVE A CODE WORD FOR EMERGENCIES, AND IT WAS TRANSRIGHTS.

OH, MY GOSH. GOOD GOLLY! THAT WAS THE CODE FOR CONFETTI!

MY BAD. >> THAT WAS SO LOUD. >> WELL, YEAH.

PEOPLE NEED TO WAKE UP! WE ARE MAKING TRANS KIDS GROW UP TOO FAST.

WE SHOULD BE KEEPING THEM SAFE, AND WE NEED TO LIFT THEM UP. NOT ME, THEM.

I MEAN THE KIDS! THEY GOT MY PRONOUNS RIGHT, LET'S GO!

WAIT A MINUTE. BEFORE I GO. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, KIDS, IS WRONG. AND YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SCARED.

OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT YOU, AND YOUR JOB IS TO FOCUS ON BEING A KID.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE ME FLYING IN THE SNL SKY. THERE'S A BUNCH OF DUDES ASKING

YOU ABOUT YOUR CROTCH AND CONTROLLING WHEN AND WHERE YOU GET TO PEE.

IF YOU JUST HANG ON, YOU'LL LOOK UP AND REALIZE, YOU'RE FLYING, KID.

HEY, MR. CHE, AND I STILL IN THE FRAME? >> YOUR FEET

>>> OH, MY GOSH. THIS WEDDING HAS BEEN UNREAL. NADINE IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL

BRIDE. >> CHANDLER IS ONE LUCKY GUY. >> HE SURE IS.

HEY, SHINA, BY THE WAY, I KNOW IT'S TOUGH COMING TO A WEDDING AFTER A BREAKUP, BUT I THINK

IT'S SO SWEET YOUR BABY SISTER CAME ALL THE WAY HERE TO BE YOUR DATE.

LISA, IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU. >> YEAH. THAT'S CUTE.

BUT MY BOX IS CLOSED TONIGHT. >> I'M SORRY. WHAT?

>> KELLY, GIRL. PAY NO MIND TO MY SISTER. SHE'S SUCH A JOKESTER.

>> ALL RIGHT, MA'AM. THIS IS ALL THE DRESSING WE COULD FIND IN THE KITCHEN.

>> WHY IS THIS RANCH BLACK? >> IT'S BALSAMIC. >> YOU REALLY LIKE YOUR

DRESSING, HUH? >> YEAH, EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST EATING THE SALAD AS SERVED.

>> AND EVERYONE ELSE IS ABOUT TO BE SICK. NOT ME.

TOSS MY SALAD. THE MORE DRESSING YOU PUT ON IT, THE LESS LIKELY YOU ARE TO GET

ECOLI. I NEED TO STAY HEALTHY. I GOT TO BE IN COURT IN THE

MORNING. >> LISA IS THE LEAD LITIGATOR ON A CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST

BUILD-A-BEAR. >> THEY GAVE A BUNCH OF BUILD-A-BEARS TO BALD KIDS, AND

I AIN'T GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. >> THAT IS REALLY GREAT WORK.

>> SIS, SWITCH ME SEATS, YOUR LESBIAN FRIEND IS TRYING TO GET THE BOX TONIGHT.

IT AIN'T HAPPENING, BOO. >> DO I COME OFF FLIRTING? BECAUSE I'M NOT.

>> KELLY, YOU'RE FINE. LISA, CAN YOU PLEASE CHILL? >> WHATEVER.

I'M GOING TO SIT BACK, RELAX, AND FIX THIS SALAD. OKAY?

HOLD ON. HUH-HUH. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD

IDEA? RAW SOLOMON. >> WELL, IT'S SMOKED.

>> SMOKED. PINK AS IT IS, LOOK LIKE A FRUIT ROLLUP, HUH-HUH.

COOK MY MEAT. I'M GOING TO MIX THIS ALL UP FOR ALL OF US.

YEAH? OKAY. >> WELL, ANYWAYS, I HAVE TO TELL

YOU GUYS ABOUT THIS EMBARRASSING DATE I WENT ON. >> THIS ABOUT TO BE A MEAN ASS

SALAD. >> SO WE WENT TO A MOVIE AND ENDED UP BACK AT MY PLACE.

AS SOON AS WE WALKED IN, A MOUSE RUNS ACROSS -- >> YOU GOT ANY RANCH ON YOU?

>> CAN YOU PLEASE JUST EAT? >> BUT I NEED RANCH. EVERYBODY KNOWS LETTUCE IS NASTY

WITHOUT RANCH. >> NOW I'M WORRIED THAT HE SAW THE MOUSE.

BUT THEN HE'S LIKE, NO, NO, IT'S FINE. WE'LL JUST GO TO MY PLACE.

>> WOW, WHAT A GENTLEMAN. >> SMART MAN. >> COME ON, SIS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO US JUST CHILLING? >> I AM CHILLING.

I'M CHILLIN. WHAT? I'M CHILLIN.

I'M MINDING MY BUSINESS. THIS SALAD GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT, BUT I'M GOING TO NEED IT

TO BE BUSSIN. I HEARD THE GIRL. SHE SAID HER HOUSE IS DIRTY.

>> LISA. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

LISA, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST -- >> I NEED THE LERJ. I NEED THE LEVERAGE.

WHAT? GIRL, I HEARD THE GIRL. CARMEN SAN DIEGO TRYING TO GET

THE BOX WHILE SHE GOT RATATOUILLE AS HE ROOMMATE. >> WHAT HAPPENED?

A PIECE OF SALMON HIT MY MOTHER. >> THIS WEDDING IS A MESS. PEOPLE GETTING HIT WITH SOLOMON

AND THEY PUT RAW SOLOMON IN MY SALAD. >> IS SHE SAYING SALMON?

>> THIS IS RUINING OUR SPECIAL DAY. >> OH, BECAUSE WE GAY?

>> NO. WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR FIRST DANCE.

>> WHY YOU OVER HERE TALKING TO ME? DANCE, BITCH.

Y'ALL SEE THIS, RIGHT? THERE IS CHAMPAGNE ALL IN THE FOOD, VEGETABLES EVERYWHERE.

THAT MARRIAGE IS DOOMED. >> I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GET SICK, BUT THIS IS

ALL KIND OF YOUR FAULT. >> YEAH. YOU HAVE BEEN DRESSING THAT

SALAD IN A REALLY INSANE WAY. >> HOLD ON. I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET Y'ALL

ATTACK MY SISTER, LISA WHO CAME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE FROM TEMECULA TO BE MY DATE.

MAYBE SHE'S THE TYPE OF SISTER THAT CAN'T TAKE NOWHERE. >> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.

>> OH, MY GOD. MAYBE SHE'S SUCH A BAD LISTENER IT MAKES YOU WONDER IS THIS

WOMAN HARD OF HEARING? >> I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT. >> BUT WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND

DONE, THIS MY BLOOD RIGHT HERE, AND SHE BETTER NOT HAVE ONE DRY LEAF IN THAT DAMN BOWL.

>> TOSS MY SALAD. YOU KNOW WHAT? Y'ALL DONE PISSED ME OFF.

I LOST MY APPETITE. I'M LEAVING. >> WHERE IS SHE FROM AGAIN?

I'M LEAVING. >> WHERE IS SHE FROM AGAIN? >> TEMECULA!

>> HAS IT CRUISED BY ON LOOKS ITS ENTIRE LIFE? >> DO YOU CATCH YOUR DOG LOOKING

AT ITSELF IN THE MIRROR? >> BUT IT SUCKS IN ITS CHEEKS LIKE THIS?

THEN YOUR DOG MIGHT BE THE PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR ENTER STAGE WOOF, ACTING SCHOOL FOR

DOGS. >> I'M YOLANDA BATISTA, AND I'M DONNA COLONOSCOPINI.

>> GET IN HERE, HENRY. NOW, SURE, SURE. OH, HENRY, OH, OH.

HENRY'S DOING A LITTLE IMPROV. SURE, HENRY IS THE TOTAL PACKAGE.

WINNING SMILES, GOLDEN LOCKS, AND THOSE BIG PHOTO GENERALIC NUTS.

>> GOOD LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING. YOU KNOW, CASTING DIRECTORS WANT TO SEE EMOTIONAL RANGE.

>> WATCH. HENRY, YOU JUST FOUND OUT YOU HAVE WORMS.

SHOW ME SHOCK. ALL RIGHT. >> HENRY, YOU'RE GOING TO THE

VET TO GET CLIPPED, AND THEY DON'T MEAN YOUR NAILS. SHOW ME FEAR.

PERFECT. YOU BOOKED IT. >> YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THE TRAILER

FOR THAT MOVIE, NONE OF OUR DOGS GOT THE JOB. >> BUT DAMN IT, THEY GOT IN THE

ROOM. JUST LIKE COCO HERE. >> COCO MAY NOT BE CLASSICAL

BEAUTIFUL, BUT SHE'S DRIPPING IN SEX APPEAL. >> IS SHE EVER, AND SHE'LL GO

FULL NUDE IF THE PAY IS RIGHT. >> SHE'LL DO IT EVEN IF IT'S NOT.

>> LOOK AT THOSE NIPS. LOOKING FOR A DOG THAT CAN PULL OFF ROMANTIC COMEDY?

THEN LOOK NO FURTHER THAN ROMEO. >> AND ROMEO IS UNDER CONTRACT WITH DISNEY.

>> HOW? BY LEARNING OUR PATENTED LADY AND THE TRAMP TECHNIQUE.

WATCH. ROMEO. WOW.

I THINK I'M IN LOVE. >> THAT'S ADORABLE. AND CASTABLE.

>> HIGH FIVE, ROMEO. HE'S A REGULAR MARLAN BRAND DOG. OUR INSTRUCTORS ARE READY TO

HANDLE EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR DOG'S CAREER FROM SOCIAL MEDIA TO HEAD SHOTS.

>> AND WE CAN EVEN COVER UP EMBARRASSING SCANDALS. >> YEAH.

LIKE IF YOUR DOG IS STINKY AND GETS CAUGHT HOOKING UP WITH A CAT.

>> NOT CONVINCED. LISTEN TO THIS SATISFIED CUSTOMER.

>> THIS IS MAITI. HE HAS BEEN TAKING CLASSES HERE FOR YEARS.

YOU PROBABLY RECOGNIZE HIM FROM THE MOVIE MOONLIGHT WHERE HE WAS WALKING BY ON THE BEACH DURING

THE HAND JOB SCENE. THAT WAS A FUN SET. THANK YOU DOG ACTING SCHOOL.

>> DID SOMEONE SAY ACCENT? TAKE A LOOK AT THIS TALENTED POOCH.

>> BISCUIT, DO FRENCH. >> LE WOOF! >> WOW, LE WOOF, I THINK THAT

MEANS, THE BARK. >> WE EVEN TEACH PUPPIES. LIKE THIS LITTLE FELLA NAMED

JELLY BEAN. >> NOW, JELLY BEAN JUST GOT CAST IN A MOVIE WHERE HE PLAYS AN

ALIEN THAT DESTROYS SEATTLE. LET REHEARSE. GO.

GO. >> GO, GO. >> DESTROY.

GET IN THERE. OH, SEATTLE. OH, NO, SEATTLE.

OH, NO. OH, NO. OKAY.

WOW. GOOD JOB, JELLY BEAN. >> PEOPLE IN SEATTLE ARE DEAD.

SO ENROLL TODAY, AND IN NO TIME, YOUR DOG WILL BE THE NEXT CLINT EASTWOOF.

EASTWOOF. >> AT ENTER STAGE WOOF, ACTING SCHOOL FOR DOGS.

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** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO COMING INTO NAIL SALON. >> MEN GET THEIR NAILS DONE ALL

THE TIME. >> I'M NOT LIKE OTHER MEN, NINA. >> WE'RE READY FOR YOU TWO.

I LOVE WHEN WE GET COUPLES IN HERE. SCREW THOSE GENDER ROLES.

WHAT COLOR ARE WE GOING TO PAINT YOU? >> SOMETHING NEUTRAL LIKE TAN OR

NUDE OR SOMETHING. >> YOU PROMISED. >> THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW,

NINA BECAUSE AS OF YESTERDAY, I'M THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORDER HOLDER FOR THE WORLD'S LONGER

FINGERNAILS. >> YOU SAID YOU WOULD CUT THEM AFTER YOU WON.

>> I CAN'T CUT THEM AFTER ONE DAY OF BEING FAMOUS! >> I'M TIRED OF LIVING LIKE

THIS. IT'S EMBARRASSING! >> YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE

EMBARRASSING IF I SHOWED UP TO THE GALA WITH SHORT NAILS. >> SO THE WATER IS GETTING

COLD -- >> THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF THE WORLD'S TALLEST MAN SHOWED UP

AND THEY CUT OFF HIS LEGS. >> HAVE WE LANDED ON A COLOR? >> I DON'T WANT COLOR.

I WANT RIDGY, CRAFT, AND YELLOW. GOD, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. >> WHAT ABOUT ME, GREGG?

WHERE IS MY CERTIFICATE? I DESERVE THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORD FOR WIPING YOUR BUTT FOR

12 YEARS! >> YOU ACT LIKE I'VE NEVER TRIED TO WIPE MYSELF.

I DID ONCE AND ALMOST DIED. >> YOU PROMISED ME! YOU PROMISED ME YOU WERE GOING

TO CUT YOUR NAILS, LEARN WONDER WALL ON THE GUITAR, AND DO HAND STUFF TO ME FOR THE FIRST TIME.

>> I NEVER SAID THAT. >> YES, YOU DID. I HAVE IT ON VOICE MAIL.

>> AS SOON AS I GET THIS WORLD RECORD, I'M GONNA CUT THESE NAILS, LEARN WONDER WALL ON

GUITAR, AND DO HAND STUFF TO YOU. NOW WHAT TIME ARE YOU GETTING

HOME? I NEED YOU TO WIPE ME. >> WHO AM I WITHOUT MY NAILS,

NINA? I SHOULD HAVE NEVER COMED TO THIS NAIL SALON.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER MOVED TO SEATTLE, AND I I SHOULD NEVER MARRIED YOU.

>> WELL, IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL, I'M TAKING MY RING BACK. >> GO ON, TAKE IT!

GO, TAKE IT THEN! GO! KEEP GOING, GO, GO ON NOW, TAKE

IT. I'M OUT OF HERE, BOO. >> GREGG!

GREGG! >> SO THERE IS A CANCELLATION FEE.

>> I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE. >> SAY IT. OUT LOUD.

SAY IT. >> THAT GUY FROM THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS WITH THE

WORLD'S LONGEST FINGERNAILS. >> ARE YOU AFRAID, OR ARE YOU NOT?

OH, NO, YOU CRACKED MY FINGERNAIL! NOW THESE LOOK GROSS!

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT FOR REAL. >> OH, DON'T WORRY, MAMA.

I SEE THIS ALL THE TIME. MEN JUST NEED AN IDENTITY. IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, HE'LL COME

BACK. >> I'M BACK. AND I CUT MY NAILS.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? HAND STUFF. >> YOU WIPE YOUR BUTT!

HAND STUFF. >> YOU WIPE YOUR BUTT! >> SCREW THOSE GENDER ROLES!

THAT WAS AN AMAZING SHOW. I WANT TO THANK THIS AMAZING CAST.

THEY ARE THE BEST PEOPLE. THIS FOR SURE HAS BEEN THE BEST WEEK OF MY LIFE.

THANK YOU, KAROL G! >> THANK YOU. >> LORNE, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE BRING ME BACK. I LOVE YOU TOO. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING TONIGHT!

I LOVE YOU TOO. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING TONIGHT! >> THANK YOU!