Original subtitles

Dom, you took unauthorised photos of a crime scene,

potentially contaminating evidence.

If this gets out, I'm in big trouble.

Hi, I'm Cooper.

Great name.

And I look forward to seeing you again in a few hours,

glorious Gloria.

Bonjour, Simone.

I have a proposition for you.

Hallelujah!

No! They made us both buttonholes!

THEY LAUGH

I wanna press that for posterity.

Oh...

God love our Sharon...

bringing all the presents back from the wedding.

She's the only one that doesn't drink any more.

She's a slave to that slimming club.

Shall we open our pressies?

Go on, then! Right...

This...

Oop! Lots of love...

Aunty Vera!

I'm in my 60s!

Does she really think I've never made a piece of toast before?

Oh, it's retro. Like you!

You're not wrong!

Oh, look, she's put the gift receipt in, bless her.

I'll trade it in for some champagne!

THEY LAUGH

Right, this one...

from your Theresa.

Let's have a look.

A personalised soap dispenser. Mm.

Just what we need!

Eh, did you see our Theresa's face when she couldn't catch the bouquet?

I thought she was actually gonna lamp someone!

I thought she was actually gonna THEY CHUCKLE

Ooh, this one looks nice.

Who's it from?

There's no gift card - it must've fallen off.

Here, you open it. OK.

Ooh!

There's a pouch...

Ooh...

There's some age to them.

You can tell by the paper. Mm.

I'm not really up on this sort of stuff, though.

I've never seen anything like them.

I wonder who they're from?

Be one of my dealer mates.

I'll ring round tomorrow.

GRAVEL CRUNCHES, BRICK CLATTERS

Did you hear that?

..No?

Oh, no...

I'm hearing things, now!

We'll get off first thing in the morning, eh?

Sounds good.

I can't wait for you to meet Jean. You're gonna love her.

I hope so, because I haven't really liked any of your other friends,

to be honest! Eh?!

Well, I just like it me and you.

Just the two of us.

Yeah.

Go on, go and get me some more champagne.

I'm on it.

HAMMERING ON GLASS

HE GASPS

Are you OK, darling?

Oh, my GOD.

What happened?

THEME MUSIC

# Do you remember the first time

# That my eyes set on you?

# Your smile came from nowhere

# For sometime never or sometime soon

# The road is a long one

# I was lonely passing through

# I was only passing through. #

Ha! Jean!

Ah, how lovely to see ya!

Lovely to see you, too!

Jean, this is my new husband, George.

Husband! Gonna have to get used to saying that!

It's so lovely to meet you.

Lovely to meet you, too.

I tell you what, though, that is the last time I get a bus

from the airport. That kid never stopped screaming the whole journey!

Honestly!

Wait a minute, what...?

Oh... I'm getting straight on the phone to that bus company.

Well, look, I'm sure it was an accident.

It looks deliberate to me!

Oh, that's outrageous.

You can call on the way.

My house is only round the corner - come on.

It's a new bag! Sorry about that.

BOLT LIFTS

Here you go, darlings. I hope you'll be comfy.

Oh, it's lovely!

Now, then...

No, it doesn't look like they've taken anything.

Oh, that would've been all you needed.

Look at you, going all Carmen Miranda since living abroad!

It's the south of France!

Anyway, it covers a multitude of sins, that.

Oh, I remember that.

Antiques fair, Skegness!

I thought I'd bagged a lovely piece of Page pottery.

Until he put his glasses on!

It's such a bad copy, I had to have it!

MOBILE BUZZES

I'll never live that down!

It's work - I should probably take it.

Can you give me a minute?

Oh, yeah, course!

What happened?

I need to know everything.

How long have you got, kid?

Well, why don't we start at the beginning?

What happened between you and Alan?

Why did you break up? Well...

You know he was getting more and more New Age,

which I didn't mind at all when it first started...

Go on.

..but it all came to a head when we got to Majorca.

He wouldn't let us eat out. What?

Said that he could only eat foods to "awaken his soul."

I tried my best, Jean, but there's only so many times

you can have broccoli for breakfast.

Oh! Really sorry, love.

We just grew into different people.

We had ten great years and we're fine now,

and actually, he's been great about George.

So where did you meet George?

Antiques do in Mayfair.

He's a top sommelier.

Supplied the wine. That's handy.

I know I'm punching above my weight,

I mean, it's only been three months, but...

I have never felt anything like this before in my life, Jean.

He seems to know everything I'm thinking about!

Hey...

You're only here once,

you should grab your happiness with both hands. Yeah!

Oh, it's great to see you, Jean.

And you, love.

How was the wedding?

I'm so sorry I couldn't make it. Don't be daft!

My lot were all there, of course.

Anything for a free drink, as you know!

Hey, our Theresa has had a perm that makes her look like Kevin Keegan!

And we got some lovely gifts.

But the weirdest one...

..were these creepy playing cards.

I don't know who gave them to us.

I rang round all my dealer mates who came,

but nobody would own up to them.

Ohh.

They're old, aren't they? Mm.

Not really my thing, but my business partner will know.

Hey - look at that, there...

Jack of clubs, first card out.

That is a sign of good luck. Yeah?

Well, it wasn't much good luck on my wedding night, was it?

You know that mirror in my pantry? Yeah?

It fell down and nearly chopped my head off.

Blimey, you didn't mention that.

I know!

Put the fear of God into me!

I bet it did. Are you all right now? Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, right.

When George gets off the phone, I'll show you around, eh?

When George gets off the phone, Sounds great.

IN FRENCH:

You need my wife to get to Jean.

Yes.

I don't think Charlie's gonna fall for a love letter.

She hasn't been to visit once over the past six months.

Did you write down exactly what I told you to?Yes.

Well, if she still loves you, she'll be back, I promise.

Use your phone call to tell me when she does.

And I'll tell you what to ask next.

And you still agree to my fee?

Oh, I paid you well last time, didn't I?

Yeah.

And to think I was scared of you.

Well, you should be.

BELL RINGS

VOICE-OVER IN FRENCH:

SHE EXHALES

Yeah, massive bells.

I can see why you live here, Jean.

Yeah, it's beautiful, but...

it's about the people, really.

I mean, when Rory died, there was not much to keep me in Manchester.

In fact,

you're the first people that I've shown around here. Yeah?

I must be staying! Yeah.

Do you fancy going to have a look at the shop? BOTH: Yeah.

It's only down here. Definitely.

That's a massive church.

Oh, they love a big church here.

Charlie must have nipped out.

Ohh...

Wow.

This place is amazing, Jean.

Well, we're getting there.

Oop...

Nice bit of Kintsugi going on there. May I?

Yeah.

What's Kintsugi?

Well, "kin" means golden,

and "sugi" means to join, so literally,

to join with gold.

The story goes that there was a 15th-century Shogun

that broke his favourite tea bowl,

and when it was repaired,

it was with awful metal pins.

So a craftsman filled all the cracks with golden lacquer.

Yeah, so the cracks are seen as beauty elements.

The philosophy being that we should embrace our imperfections,

and think carefully before we discard something

just because it's broken.

Like you did, George, when you married me.

Ohh!

THEY LAUGH

Ooh...

Now, I like this.

So that's got pink and turquoise opal on the handles.

Mm, I made a bomb out of a black opal

when I was travelling across Australia.Oh!

I'd like to buy this for you.

As a wedding gift.

Thanks, love, but don't get me wrong, but... I don't want it.

I don't mean to be ungrateful,

it's just that I'm a bit superstitious about opals.

The play of the colours ever-changing -

I just don't trust them. Suit yourself!

Well, I'd like to buy it, I think it's lovely.

Well, to you, it is free.

Ooh! Well, to you, it is free.

Ooh! Oh, thank you!

Ooh,

before I forget, can you leave those cards for Charlie to have a look at?

Oh, yeah, course. Here they are.

Well, they must be French, cos they're in the Rouen style,

which was banned from being imported to England in 1628...

The English ones are much cruder.

There's a shock!

Oh, Charlie will know.

I'm starving. Let's go to the pub.

I can safely say there is nothing mechanically wrong with your car.

Oh, thanks, Glo, I've been so worried about it.

Just can't afford for the car to break down.

Ah, but I did find these little fellas.

The noise was them rolling about under the seat.

Oh, you've found them!

Are they your little nephew's from when he stayed?

Yeah, yeah. That's right.

They're his jacks.

Thank you.

I'll have a sparkling water.

On the house. Thank you very much.

Hm, there's more carbs on that plate then I've eaten in a year!

Trying to keep myself trim for George, but that ship's sailed!

Nothing like Alan, eh? No.

Is it true that you actually ate broccoli for breakfast?

We ate it, we drank it,

in fact, there wasn't much we didn't do with it.

Oh, aye?

No, not like that!

Oh, thank you. Thanks, love.

Here you go.

And one more of the same.

Enjoy your lunch and if you need anything else,

don't hesitate to ask.

Niall, let me introduce you. This is one of my dearest friends, David,

and this is his new husband, George.

Lovely to meet you both. I've forgotten your cutlery.

Just a minute. Oh, Niall, come here.

SHE CHUCKLES

Who's that with Jean?

Old mate of hers.

Him and his fella have just got married. Ahh, nice.

Yes, love is indeed in the air at the moment, isn't it?

You are SO obvious.

What?

I didn't know Cooper was a taxi driver.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I've known you for 20 years, Dominic.

And you've always been very transparent and a rubbish liar.

Thank you very much (!)

So... how's it going with you two?

Great.

I really like him.

Someone to do nothing with.

What?

Me and you once said

it wasn't about finding someone to do SOMETHING with,

it was about finding someone to do nothing with, do you remember?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do, yeah.

I think you'll really like him, Dom.

Well, he has got excellent taste in women, so...

So I'm sure I will. Aww!

Come here. Oh, Dom - thanks, love.

Happy for you, love. Thanks, love.

Et voila! Oh, thank you!

SHE GIGGLES

I thought we deserved a treat.

Now, this is especially for you, George,

being a top sommelier.

Go on, George, what is it?

It's a...?

A Chateau Simone Rouge!

Oh, of course!

Oh, well, thank you so much - that's very kind.

Don't be fooled, George, she's gagging for a glass.I am!

Hey, after this,

do you boys mind going for an explore?

It's just I've got loads of admin to do.

I'm dying for an explore. It's like Disneyland round here.

I haven't seen so many antiques on display

since my mother's am-dram group did the Lion King!

THEY LAUGH

Jean!

Jean...

Where did they get these cards from?

They were a wedding present.

From who?

They couldn't find the gift card.

What's the matter?

Look at the Queen.

Each card of the Queen has a mark of a winged serpent.

This means they were made for La Voisin herself, hein?

Who? You don't know La Voisin?

The French sorceress burnt at the stake?

Mm, like many innocent women before her. Uh, non...

There was nothing innocent about La Voisin.

She was evil,

through and through.

You have heard of l'affaire de poisons

during the reign of Louis XIV? Yeah, I do - that rings a bell.

Remind me.

Many fortune tellers and alchemists

were suspected of selling not only divinations and seances

and aphrodisiacs, but also inheritance powders.

Inheritance powders?

Poisons.

They were rounded up and tried -

La Voisin's testimony implicated the mistress of the king,

who claimed she had performed Black Masses with her.

Black Masses? Ouai!

La Voisin was convicted of witchcraft and poisoning,

and burnt in public on the Place de Greve, Paris,

in 1680.

And you think these cards actually belong to her?

Ben... The winged serpent proves it, hein?

Jean, these are very, very rare.

And very, very cursed.

Ball park?

Bof...

Thousands, depending on the buyer.

Wow, that's some wedding present. They need to find the gift card!

Did you hear what I said, Jean? They carry a curse, hein?

Yeah, curses!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Ooh, you beauty!

Hi, Maggie.

Oh, thanks for getting back so quickly.

Well...

It is a bit of a funny story, actually.

My friend David got married,

and he got the cards as a wedding present.

No. No, not jewellery David, no.

No, ceramic David.

Well, I've just found out

they belonged to a mad French witch!

Yeah.

La Voisin, yeah!

Well, first person I thought of was you.

No, cos you like the, er...

Supernatural and all that.

Do you think you can shift them for me?

GASPS Oh, Maggie, that's fantastic.

GASPS LAUGHTER

So... Really?!

I need a very strong drink!

HE SHOUTS IN FRENCH

SHOUTS THREATS

Ah!

George?

MAN SHOUTS

Thank you for your statement.

I don't know about you, darling, but I could do with a brandy. Yeah.

So, David, what do you remember?

I'll try my best, officer, but I'm a bit of a mess, to be honest.

Take your time.

Um...

We were walking down the street,

when this man came out of nowhere, screaming.

That must have been terrifying, love.

Could you describe what the man looked like?

As George has already said, his face was covered!

We didn't see anything!

He's got to ask, love.

I know it's hard,

but just do your best. Sorry, I, um...

He came at me. So...

You are sure he came at you alone?

George says he came at both of you.

Yeah, yeah - he came at both of us.

I've never been more scared in my entire life.

I can completely understand.

Have you any idea what he was screaming at you?

No, it was all in French!

I knew I should have paid more attention at school!

I think that is enough for now.

Thank you for your statements.

Thank you. St Victoire is a small town.

I'm sure we will catch them.

Yeah, that's good to know, thanks.

I will be in touch. Thanks, Andre.

They've had such bad luck since they got here, I'm so embarrassed.

Have you got any leads?

We do have someone who says he saw what happened,

but he'd had a good few drinks,

so I don't how reliable he is.

It doesn't quite fit with George's version of events.

What did he say?

Well, he says that the cyclist seemed to steer

right into David's attacker.

Of course, it all happened so fast.

Surely if that was the case,

he would have stayed around to see if David was OK?

Made himself known?

Yes, that's what I thought.

He's got it wrong, clearly.

Go back to your friends, I'll keep asking around.

We will do everything we can.

Thank you.

SHE SIGHS

Caron is a good copper.

I'm sure he'll do everything he can. He seems really nice.

I feel terrible.

I just froze.

I should have helped.

It's OK, love.

It's a bit like closing time when I was a kid.

Thank God that cyclist was passing - I owe them a drink!

Ooh, David -

I do have some good news... Go on.

Charlie had a look at your cards...

That's nice of her. Yeah!

Well, she reckons they were specifically made

for a 17th-century French witch

who was done for poisoning and burnt at the stake!

She says they're worth thousands to the right buyer!

17th-century French witch?

Do you mean La Voisin?

Yeah, that's her!

Did she say anything else?

Well,

she said they carry a curse,

but that's not your problem once you sell them, is it?

A curse?

Jean, it's been nothing but bad luck since I opened those cards!

Oh, David!

I told you! Before we left,

that mirror nearly chopped my head off,

and then, the bag was slashed,

and then, somebody tried to knife me in the street!

Look, that is all awful, love, but...

what's that got to do with a pack of cards?

Jean, it could have everything to do with the cards. I mean,

that mirror had been on the wall for ten years -

why did it fall then, at that precise moment? Exactly.

I've just thought...

The slash mark on your bag...

it's in the shape of a letter V.

'Oh! I'm getting straight on the phone to that bus company!'

'Look, I'm sure it was an accident.'

Yes...

It's the witch, isn't it?

She's trying to make me go mad.

Oh, come on, David!

We trade in provenance, not superstition!

Well, our spiritual journey has opened David up somewhat.

Sorry?

We got married in a spiritualist church.

Maybe that's why you're being so sensitive at the moment,

because you're channelling...

dark energy? Yes.

It's the witch, isn't it?

She's trying to communicate.

Oh, come on!

Curses?

You just twisted psychology.

Sorry? Well, seeing patterns in random events when there are none!

I think I'LL have a brandy.

DEEP SNORING

PHONE ALERT

It's her!

It's her...

It's her!

Le Voisin!

In the mirror!

W...

She...

COCKEREL CROWS

CICADAS CHIRP

I think we should burn them to a cinder.

Don't you think we should find out the facts before we go setting fire

to potentially thousands of pounds? I saw her, Jean.

Last night, in the mirror.

She's coming to get me.

Who is?

Le Voisin!

The witch.

The facts are, Jean, she will not stop until I'm dead.

Can I make a suggestion?

Now, what would Oprah say?

Oh, yeah.

"When you don't know what to do, do nothing."

So why don't you two do just that?

How do you mean?

Well, I'll go to work,

I'll get a second opinion on the cards,

and you just stay here,

and relax?

I think that's a great idea.

Yeah.

It is - thanks, Jean.

That's my pleasure.

Take those things with you.

Help yourself to anything you want.

And listen...

It's me. Jean.

I'm right here for you.

Thanks, Jean.

I'm just gonna go and make some calls.

Are you OK? Yeah, yeah - fine.

I'll make us some brunch when I'm done.

You just stay there. Thanks, love.

Jean, I'd like to apologise for my oversight.

Oversight?

Ahem...

IN A HIGH VOICE:Jean...

IN A DEEP VOICE:Jean...

Please can we be friends again?

I sound like a ten-year-old.

I have REALLY missed you.

HE GASPS

BANGING

Oi!

PUNCH IS THROWN, Oi!

PUNCH IS THROWN, SOMETHING CLATTERS

Com on, Dom.

You can do this.

Alan?

You know him? That's his ex.

Hi, I'm Dom. Jean's mate.

Alan is behind bars, awaiting questioning.

Soon as there's any update, Caron's gonna give us a call.

What happened? I would never have believed this.

But I think Alan was out to get you.

I think he was stalking you!

Oh, my God.

Thanks, Dom.

You're welcome.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, fine. It's a good job you were here.

Is it? FOOTSTEPS

No offence, Jean,

but we've given our statements and I want David out of here, now.

Don't you think you should wait... To find out what kind of maniac

Alan is? I think it's pretty clear.

I have booked a hire car - it should be here any minute.

We won't be staying.

My partner of ten years was trying to kill me?

WE are going to go to Marseille.

And we are going to begin our honeymoon.

Are you sure?

HORN HONKS

That'll be the hire car.

Oh...

Well, it's a bit sudden, but... I suppose...

Are you ready, darling? Yeah.

Bye, love. Bye.

Jean, when you get this message, can you get down here?

He says I am an oppressor of the state

and he does not recognise my authority.

He says he will only speak with you.

Please hurry.

If there's anything you need, just let me know, OK?

Thanks, Jean.

Love you, kid. Oh, I love you too.

Well, it's... it's lovely to meet you.

Look after each other, eh?

Thanks, Jean.

And thank you.

Pleasure.

CAR STARTS

And you expect me to believe that? Yeah.

You have to believe me if you want David to live.

Jean, I've been following David to protect him from George!

Why does he need protecting from George?

When we broke up,

I was devastated, but I left it in the hands of the universe.

Then a friend came to me with evidence that David

was gonna be George's third husband -

the two previous husbands had died within months of marrying him!

What evidence?

The marriage and the death certificates.

I've been watching David to protect him.

He'd never have believed me if I'd have told him.

He... He's changed.

He's just completely obsessed by him.

The morning of the wedding, George was the last one out.

I watched him go back into the pantry,

and tamper with the mirror.

He balanced the mirror right on the edge of the door.

I knew that was meant for David and David alone.

David was the first one into the pantry when they got back.

To save him, I didn't know what to do -

I just started banging on the window, and that was enough

to stop him from walking underneath the mirror.

SMASH

When I got here, I hired a bike and I followed them.

I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I knew something would.

Sure enough, it did.

George must have paid that thug to knife David,

so I knocked him to the ground.

OTHER MAN SHOUTS

And the cushion?

MUFFLED CRIES

'I was watching through the patio window,

'and George went behind David with the cushion.

'I forced my way in and punched him in the face!'

Eurgh!

If all this is true,

why didn't you just tell David that George was trying to kill him?

Because he would never have believed me!

George has been gaslighting him!

Well...

..he's certainly not been himself lately.

Come on, Jean.

Two weddings and the corresponding death certificates within months?

I'm telling you, David is in grave danger!

I believe you.

Caron?

Did you hear all that? Oui.

We need to find David - now.

They're on their way to Marseille.

There are two roads to Marseille.

Dom... I need your help.

Why are we stopping here? You know I've got vertigo.

You were feeling carsick because you haven't eaten.

You know what you're like on an empty stomach. I can't eat.

You need to pull yourself together.

I'm sorry. I'm still in shock.

Alan trying to kill me?

Those cursed cards?

We'll flog them in Marseille, get rid of them.

Hopefully, they'll make thousands.

Fancy us thinking that those cards were cursed,

when it was Alan trying to kill you.

I still think the cards are cursed.

You know you sound mad? Eh?

Seeing ghosts,

cursed cards.

You sound like a child.

George?

Put that thing away, you know I can't stand opals.

George, if this is meant to be kinky, it's not doing it for me.

Always the joker.

Get up.

George?

Get up!

By the way, I'm desperate.

You're not forgiven yet.

Thanks for your help, Dom.

I knew there was something dodgy about him

when he didn't know what wine I'd bought them in La Couronne.

Top wine expert, my foot.

So, he gets these fellas,

marries them, and then bumps them off?

I know, it's hideous. But he moves around so much,

they just can't pin anything on him. Blimey.

That's a bold career choice, innit?

Just move that wing mirror for us, Jean?

SHE GASPS

That's how he did it!

Did what?

Made the infamous La Voisin appear in my spare bedroom mirror.

I'd put a black shawl on top of the dresser to hide a heat mark.

Ironically, you can't get a decent French polisher over here.

You can't move for them in Stockport. Yeah, go on.

Anyway, I found the shawl under one of the pillows

when I was making their bed up this morning.

He must have precisely positioned the mirror,

put the shawl on, looked into the mirror,

woke David up, scared him to death, then pretended to wake up himself

to comfort him. SHE GASPS

You better put your foot down.

BOTH:It won't make any difference.

It's only got one speed, this.

YOUR cards?

But why?

To send you mad.

Send me mad?

What are you talking about?

The cards, the mirror.

The luggage.

It was all me.

Do you know, you will be my third husband...

deceased.

Third husband?

George, what...?

Please...

I've already found my fourth - over here, actually.

You've got to move around.

It really is all too easy.

I thought we were in love...

You made me leave Alan.

I changed my life for you.

Yes - and thank you for that, but...

Now, you're just a mad old man

with vertigo.

AFFECTED EMOTION:"I tried to save David, but...

"the vertigo just got too much for him.

"I think it was all the stress that Alan put him under."

DEADPAN:It really is too easy.

George...

Please,

don't do this.

Please, I'm begging you!

Your pleading's getting boring now.

One more step.

George, no!

Nobody calls me boring!

SIREN BLARES

Oh!

TAPS CAR ROOF TWICE

Blimey.

They've got a lot to talk about, haven't they?

Yeah.

Yes, they have.

I knew it wasn't you.

Liar!

THEY LAUGH

We had some great times, didn't we?

Do you remember when we found that Andy Warhol painting

in my auntie Deedee's garage?

How could I forget?

You took it to Sotheby's in a bin bag

and sold it for six grand!

She moved to San Francisco last week.

Said she was never the same

after you lent her that copy of Tales Of The City.

She's 89 with one lung and half a hip - who insured her?

No insurance!

She stuck two fingers up to the system and did what she wanted.

Just like you.

We've both changed, haven't we?

Yeah.

The bloke I met was first in the queue for chips, curry and rice.

That's certainly not me any more.

No.

Thanks for looking out for me, Alan.

For being there.

I just wish you'd told me. And would you have believed me?

No!

I can't half pick 'em, can't I?

The love of my life ends up loving broccoli more than me,

so I marry the first psycho I clap my eyes on.

THEY LAUGH

I hear you made up with Glo.

Didn't know we'd fallen out.

She said that you weren't answering her calls or her texts. Yeah...

Well, I was a little bit gutted

she didn't mention that taxi driver thing.

Well, she didn't know he was one before he asked her out.

Yeah, that's what she said.

And even if she did, would it have made a difference?

Mm, I don't know.

I'm just a little bit worried

this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

SHE SNORTS

Yes, yes, I know, that makes me sound like I'm in a western.

It's funny, that -

so does Cooper!

Because he's actually American. See? I told you he was a cowboy!

Dom... thanks for today.

You were a proper superhero.

Listen, Jean... The reason I came round... Yeah,

why were you round when you caught Alan?

Well, I...

Look, I just wanted to say how deeply sorry I am

for betraying your trust.

Don't... No, no - Jean...

Please. Let me finish.

I've proper missed you and I'm dead mad at myself.

Come here.

DOOR OPENS

Bonjour, Simone.

DOOR SLAMS