Original subtitles

MAN SPEAKING FRENCH

KNOCKING

Sorry, ladies, but you know what my son is like.

Well, now no more.

I have changed my will.

Don't worry, Lela,

I have made sure you will be well looked after.

Oh, is that why I'm here, to witness the will? Yes.

You have been an excellent neighbour, Flora,

and I will miss your beautiful face.

Where shall I sign?

Where the pages are marked.

When do you go? Soon.

I'm going to a penthouse in Paris. Oh.

It has long been a dream of mine.

I can give you the address,

if you are ever in town.

Lela, make a note of our address por Flora.

Lela is going with you?

Yes, madame.

Is it OK if I leave now?

I will post this to my solicitor in the morning.

The owner was keen for a very quick sale.

Extra keen when I told him he had a cash buyer.

Even let us decorate the place before he's vacated.

Well, that's jolly nice of him.

And remember, darling, we've got a very important client

renting the place for the whole summer.

They arrive in two weeks, so time is of the essence.

Darling, you didn't tell me it was gonna be this big.

But with your stupendous skills, we'll have it fixed up in no time.

I'm going to need help. Well, then, we'll get some.

Well, I suppose you're right.

Do you remember the time I chose the same wallpaper as Joan Collins

for the downstairs loo?

GUNSHOT

That sounded like... like a gunshot.

Er, please, darling...

Wait for me.

It might be dangerous!

SCREAMS

# Do you remember the first time

# That my eyes set on you?

# Your smile came from nowhere

# For some time never

# Or some time soon

# The road is a long one

# I was only passing through

# I was only passing through. #

Bonjour.

Don't say it.

I'm not saying anything, God forbid I insult the immortal Madeline.

She's just not very good on hills, that's all.

Not very good on hills? We were going that slow at one point,

I thought we were going backwards.

"Thanks for the lift, Dom." "You're welcome, Jean."

I'm sorry.

We really are in the middle of nowhere, aren't we?

No-one's gonna hear screams out here.

Apparently, they didn't.

Right, how do you get in?

Here.

Ah, Jean, thank you for getting here so quickly.

There has been... Oh, darling, I said to Jeremy,

I've watched too many episodes of the Housewives Of New Jersey

not to know a gunshot when I hear one.

What are you two doing here?

We bought the place as a small investment.

Oh, how awful.Oh, I don't think it will look too bad

once I've worked my magic.

The victim, Monsieur Robert Coste,

shot in the back.

The body has been taken away for autopsy.

Was it a robbery? We don't know for sure.

Can I have a word, Jean?

Yeah, of course, yeah.

Do you like the house, Dom? Yeah.

I will say it again, thank you for your statements,

but now you must leave immediately. This is a crime scene.

Maybe we should come back later, darling,

when the police have finished. A couple of hours won't matter.

Days, not hours.

All right.

I understand.

You are doing a very good job.

Those yoga classes are really paying off, darling.

Namaste.

Namaste indeed.

The reason I called you, Jean,

the victim...

was clutching this.

Peacock pendant, 1930s, mass produced.

Oh, it looked like it could be of interest.

Not really. You can pick 'em up for 20 euros.

Oh. And the key?

Maybe to a drawer in a bureau?

OK, well, thank you.

We are going to set up an incident room here,

seeing as we are in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, very wise.

I'm about to interview the housekeeper,

Miss Lela Gretsch.

You are very welcome to join me.

Of course.

And when we've finished, do you mind if I have a look round

and see if I can find the lock to this key?

I was hoping you would.

There you go, Miss Gretsch.

Thank you. Please call me Lela.

23 years is a lifetime.

It is quite a shock.

I understand.

It is true,

sometimes he could be grumpy,

but we got along very well.

Your official job title?

Housekeeper.

Although I was obviously more than that.

It was also part of my job

to make sure that the food was healthy,

and that he took his medication regularly.

If it was up to him, he would end up eating only

quiche Lorraine and potatoes.

Does anyone else live here?

Sometimes. Pardon?

Eric, his son. And how old is Eric?

Oh, he is in his 40s. And still at home?

Yes. Was he here last night?

He wasn't when I left.

I wouldn't know if he came back here.

I can't see the house from my cottage.

And where is your cottage?

At the bottom of the garden.

But Eric mainly lives here?

A lot of the time.

He has quite a joie de vivre.

He and his father were always arguing.

What about? Money.

Eric never has any.

Oh, but I am sure he wouldn't go this far.

Did anyone else visit Monsieur Coste last night?

Yes, Flora. She lives nearby.

We both witnessed his new will.

Where is this new will?

I don't know.

Where were you this morning

at nine thirty?

I was at my cottage, cleaning.

And you didn't hear the gunshot?

I always have my earphones in when I'm cleaning.

I didn't know anything was wrong

until I saw the police car.

Very good.

Miss Gretsch, I would like you to stay home

until our enquiries are complete.

OK. Thank you.

Right.

I've got a housekeeper that didn't see anything,

an inherent son still living at home in his 40s

and a mysterious will we can't find.

I'm sure this key must be the answer to everything.

Never get the eyes right, do they? What?

Taxidermists.

Everything's fine until they get to the eyes.

Mind you, if I was being stuffed,

that's how my eyes would react, I think.

Oh.

A secretaire desk.

Now, that looks interesting.

You think the key could be for that?

Well, it could be.

I bet it's got a secret compartment.

See, I've got a thing about the Roentgens.

The who? The Roentgens.

What?

Father and son, cabinet-makers of the 17th century.

I thought you were swearing at me.

Abraham and David Roentgen.

Absolute trailblazers.

Mavericks in mechanical ingenuity.

In fact, David went on to be the cabinet-maker

of Marie Antoinette.

Oh, did you know that the Champagne saucer

was actually modelled on Marie Antoinette's left...

Urban legend. Really?

Well, Champagne glasses have been around since 1663.

Marie Antoinette wasn't born until 1755, so, you know...

Oh, well. Sorry.

Right.

Oh.

I'm sure this was the key to that drawer.

A lot of drawers, ain't there? Yeah.

Well, pre-19th century, before there were banks,

secret compartments in desks

were where people hid all their documents.

Oh, really?

Springs are another trick. If you pressed in the right place,

then you could release a secret drawer.

Oh, hang on.

Oh!

That's brilliant. Is there a will in there?

Oh, no.

Hey, that's still brilliant, though, innit?

I bet that's worth a few bob. No, it's reproduction.

Too much parquetry, not enough marquetry and...

Yeah, no dovetail joints.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking, yeah.

Mm.

Hey. Can I have a go at that?

Yeah.

What have I got to do? Give us your hand.

RINGTONE Oh, that's me, sorry.

I'm gonna take this outside.

Yeah.

Jeremy, you OK?

'This is absolutely disgraceful.'

It is OUR house.

Dominic, you're on speakerphone.

Judith would like to... Now, Dominic,

can you hear me? Loud and clear, Judith, yes.

I'll deal with this, Judith.

Can you hear me, Dominic?

Yes, Jeremy.

'Good. Now, listen,'

Judith has come up with a plan which I think might just work.

You want me to do what?

Oh, come on, old chap.

Whatever you normally get, I'll triple it.

I can't say fairer than that.

Look, I might be a bit skint at the moment, but...

All right, quadruple it.

Go on, then. I'll come over and see you later.

I think I've found where this key belongs.Really?

This is a Burmese sewing box, circa 1880.

I think that's the connection. With this peacock.

It's the national symbol of Myanmar, used to be Burma.

Have I missed anything? No, watch this, watch this.

KEY RATTLING

This is a big house, Jean.

I think we might need to look a little more.

Yeah.

Hey. Be here somewhere, yeah. Mm.

# Sweetheart, you really got me

# Spinning around In a world called sorry

# Sweetheart, you really got me

# Holding on to what went wrong

# My love... #

That song just gets better and better.

A whole lot better with a pair of good headphones.

You're right, it does. Hi. I'm Cooper.

Great name.

Back at you. You're Glorious Gloria.

I am. Niall down at Couronne's

said you might be able to take a look at my car.

What's the problem?

I think it might be the starter. I need a professional opinion.

Timing is great. I'm free this afternoon, I'll take a look.

Are you sure?

Won't Mr Glorious Gloria mind?

Who?

That is my completely inarticulate way of asking if you are single?

Hmm.

I might be.

Well, I'll let you decide.

And I look forward to seeing you again in a few hours,

Glorious Gloria.

Right.

Hey.

Really great album.

SPEAKING FRENCH

Eric, I presume. You really need to calm down, because...

SPEAKING FRENCH

Please, please, don't hurt him. Don't hurt him.

SPEAKING FRENCH

Please, please let him go, I am here now.

Eric...

All right? Yeah.

Come here.

SPEAKING FRENCH

SHE SPEAKS FRENCH

CARON SPEAKING FRENCH

The serendipity fair?

Yes.

CARON SPEAKS FRENCH

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, I've got to go.

Have you got a booking? Yeah.

There you go.

Actually...

I'll pop out with you, I've got to make a call.

Sorry I've got to go, Jean, like I said,

work is really slow at the moment.

No, it's great, it's fine. I was saying to Glo the other day

if the taxi business doesn't pick up soon,

I'm gonna have to postpone my trip to Mars. Heaven forbid.

See you later. See you.

Oh, so, how are you getting on with him?

Gendarme Richard is keeping watch. Eric is a very troubled man.

Worked that one out.

Right, the only person we've got left to interview

is the neighbour Flora Marshall. Would you like to come?

Oh, yeah. I've got a few thoughts.

Let's walk and talk. Mm.

A friend of mine runs the serendipity fair in Toulouse.

It's ticket only, so it should be pretty easy

to find out if his alibi stands up.

Good. No, it's clear there is something not right

between Eric and his father.

Well, that's one way of putting it. Eric's got the strongest motive.

I'm assuming he will inherit all his father's fortune.

Yes, I spoke to his solicitor this morning

and Eric will inherit everything.

What's in that new will? We have to find it.

Oh, here we are. What does that mean?

Ah. HE LAUGHS

It is not really translatable.

It means the happiness of meeting again

after a long time, sort of.

Aw. That's lovely, that.

Right.

Let me get this straight,

you want me to measure up the entire place

where someone's just been murdered, so you can decorate quicker?

In two weeks' time I've got Madame Remy Benson arriving.

She's heavily invested in one of my projects

and we've rented our new home to her for the whole summer.

Who's Remy Benson?

Someone I don't want to mess with.

I promised her the house.

And her daughter is holding a wedding party,

and all the family are arriving from all over France.

It's such bad timing.

Yeah, it's not great timing for the fella that got shot though, either.

Can you not just put her off?

Dominic, you do not put off Remy Benson.

It's a bit intrusive, isn't it?

Dominic, we own the house.

Yes, you own the house where a man was shot last night.

Hang on. Someone was shot,

and you're renting the place out to some well dodgy woman.

I don't like the sound of this. I'll give you 2,000 euros.

You can't buy... How much?

That's how much we need you, Dominic.

Our man on the inside.

Ooh. Just one thing.

Don't mention this to Jean.

You honestly think I was gonna mention the fact I'm using

our friendship to measure up a crime scene for wallpaper?

2,000 euros? That's what I said.

I am not happy, but I am skint, so, yes, I'll do it.

Oh, Dominic. Thank you.

Good show, old chap.

Tea. Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

When did you last see Robert Coste?

Oh, last night, around nine thirty.

He'd asked me to come and witness the signing of his new will.

And do you know what was in his new will?

I've no idea.

He'd had a bit of a row with Eric.

I signed it and left.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

How was he when you left?

Drunk.

As always.

Oh, who's that?

Oh, that's my grandfather,

French on my mother's side.

He actually fought in both world wars.

I'm so very proud of him.

You must be.

And how awful, fighting in one horrific war,

and then a few years later, fighting in another one.

Hiya.

Oh, it's coming along, that accent, isn't it?

ENGLISH ACCENT: Thanks, love.

Right. Er...

Do you mind if I wait for Jean in here?

Of course. You can keep me company.

Right.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Mm.

Um...

Oh, that's pretty.

Oh, thank you.

SPEAKING FRENCH

Whoa, whoa, whoa, mate. No need to talk to her like that.

SPEAKING FRENCH

Is everything all right?

Caron, I've had a call.

Have you got a minute?

My friend that runs the serendipity fair in Toulouse,

there was no ticket booked under the name of Eric Coste.

Maybe he used a different name.

Why?

Argh!

I'll stay here, find that will.

Of course.

KNOCKING

SHE SIGHS

I'm running out of options here.

Of course.

Dom.

Dom. Oh, hey.

What are you doing? Tripped over.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

Just my plantar fasciitis playing me up, you know.

It's dead painful. Sure you're all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, yeah. What's all the shouting about?

I think I've found what the key is for.

Really?

A chained book.

Oh, like in Harry Potter.

Well, yes.

But they go back to medieval times.

The first time I saw one of these

was in the Bodleian Library in Oxford.

How did you work that out?

It was the peacock pendant.

What's the peacock got to do with the Bible?

In the ancient world,

Christians thought the peacock was a symbol of Heaven.

So, Christianity plus peacock

equals the bestselling book ever.

Harry Potter. The Bible.

The Bible, yeah.

Well, shall we see what's inside? Yeah.

Yes! Ah.

It's gonna be in French, in't it?

Give it here, then. I might not be able to speak it that well,

but I can read it smashing. Can you?

Oh, yeah. I do all the paperwork for the business in French,

so I'm fine with it. Right.

Headlines, er...

Eric gets nothing.

What?

Have you released Eric yet? I've found the will.

Yes, we had to, we had no evidence.

Well, you have now. Eric gets nothing.

I'll be straight over.

Merci.

So his father left Eric with nothing.

I bet that's what they were arguing about.

It's got to be Eric. He's got no alibi.

The ballistic report says the bullet was fired from a gun made in 1892.

Maybe an antique he stole off his father?

Hmm.

I don't know, but I know one thing.

He will be coming back for this will.

He will want this destroyed.

Let's clear the house of police and set up a trap.

I guarantee he will be back tonight. Can I come?

Never been on a stakeout.

A mechanic with clean hands?

I often wonder whether I shouldn't bother. More authentic.

How do you mean?

They say you should never trust a skinny chef.

I wonder if it's the same for a mechanic with clean hands.

Did you find out what the problem was?

Your battery needed charging.

Oh, really?

Don't worry, love, we've all done it. Should be fine now.

You have a wide range of musical taste, Glorious Gloria.

I like to think of myself as delightfully diverse.

Chet Baker to Barry Manilow.

That's certainly diverse.

So...

you new in these parts?

Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in a Western?

It's your accent.

Ah.

Well, I set up a new business in Sainte Victoire.

Divorced after 25 years and needed a fresh start.

Pastures new.

Well, you've got very good taste in pastures.

Did I just make myself sound like a dairy cow?

Could I take you out for dinner?

I'd love to. But can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Are you asking me out to dinner because you fancy me,

not just because I have great taste in music?

How do you mean? The last bloke who seemed to be flirting

sent me a love song that I thought was a statement of intent.

Turns out he just wanted me to listen

to the chord progression in verse three.

Oh, I am asking you out,

because you have great taste in music.

Right.

And because I think you are gorgeous.

Oh?

Pick you up tomorrow at seven?

Lovely.

Oh.

My new business.

Don't worry, your credit is good.

See you tomorrow.

CLICKS

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, God.

Argh!

Here, budge up. Where have you been?

Oh, I had a bad oyster for lunch, I think.

Oysters for lunch, get you.

DOOR OPENS

GLASS SMASHES

Of course.

What exactly were you doing in your neighbour's house?

Staying silent doesn't help anyone.

Especially not you, Miss Marshall.

Can I say something?

Go on.

I can't believe I didn't notice it before.

You and Eric are in a relationship, aren't you?

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, come on, Flora, don't be coy.

I remember thinking, "What a beautiful bracelet"

when we interviewed you,

and I wondered, where have I seen that before?

And you kindly answered my question,

when you smashed Eric's mum's photograph.

Emeralds and diamonds, very beautiful.

He must really love you.

He had his mother's necklace made into a bracelet for me.

Robert was a cruel, cruel man.

He had no idea about us.

Arrogant fool thought he had a chance with me.

I had to do something about the new will for Eric.

I saw my chance.

And I took it.

Eric's mother died in childbirth.

And Robert has been blaming Eric his entire life.

Not once giving him the chance

to be the man he is so capable of being,

all the belittling and patronising.

It's really hard to see the man...

..that you love...

..being treated like a child.

So, where did you get the gun from?

It was you that shot him, wasn't it?

Was it your grandfather's?

The Modele 1892?

It was used by the French army for both world wars.

Miss Marshall,

so on that night,

you did see where he put the will?

I did.

He thought I'd already left, drunken idiot.

I came back the next morning.

So why didn't you just take the key

and get the new will when you shot him?

I did try and get the key,

but his grip was so tight, it was like stone.

I just couldn't loosen his hand.

SCREAMS

Er... excuse me.

SPEAKING FRENCH

What's going on? One moment, Jean.

BEEP BEEP

Et voila!

The reason Flora could not release his grip

is because rigor mortis had already begun.

But she shot him.

Yes, she did shoot him, but he was already dead.

The toxicology report say there was an unusually high amount

of Ramipril in his blood. What's that?

Ramipril is blood pressure medication.

So he killed himself?

I don't think someone as arrogant as Robert Coste

would kill himself.

So he was killed twice?

I am so glad you have caught his killer.

He didn't deserve to die like that.

Shocking, really.

I went to prepare his dinner yesterday evening,

such a habit.

I'm sure.

What can I do for you?

We just need to tie up some loose ends.

Of course.

You told us that you administered

all of Robert Coste's medication.

Oh, yes, no-one else ever had it, not even Robert.

So you were the only one

who ever gave him his medicine?

Yes.

I even bought him one of those boxes that measured out the days.

But he said the letters were too small

so I bought him reading glasses, but he was too vain to wear them.

The early autopsy reports

show four times the amount of blood pressure medication.

That is what killed him.

Not the gunshot.

But you know that already.

Don't you, Lela?

Lela, it's over.

Why did you do it?

Because he was constantly playing his mind games with me.

One week he was fabulous, the next week, he was vile.

If I ironed the shirt the wrong way

or if the food didn't taste the way he wanted it to

he would use it as a reason to bully me.

But why now, after all these years?

Paris.

He wanted me to move with him to Paris.

Can you imagine that? Being cooped up in a penthouse

in the middle of a city I didn't know with that monster.

I couldn't bear it.

The clock was ticking.

I decided to stop the nonsense...

..peacefully end his life...

..and secure my future, thanks to his new will.

He would have passed within hours.

He was an ill man

and a huge drinker.

Nobody would have called for an autopsy

if he hadn't been shot.

I sort of feel sorry for Lela.

That Robert sounded like a right nightmare.

Dom, she killed a man in cold blood.

Come on. Yeah, I know that.

The sheer bullying she had to put up with over the years.

Watching him treat Eric like that,

while she couldn't do anything about it. Awful man.

There's always another way out, isn't there?

She didn't think so. Well, I'm sure the courts

will take her circumstances under consideration.

Hey, you know what's bugging me?

Where was Eric on the morning of the murder?

Oh, that's the joke of it.

He was flogging the family silver outside the serendipity fair.

Well, why didn't he just say that and save us all this trouble?

He wasn't thinking straight. He probably thought

that flogging stolen goods would get him into more trouble.

God knows where his head was at.

I don't understand why people can't just be honest.

I must admit I didn't think we'd manage it all in one day, darling.

Just the soft furnishings and we're done.

It's all down to your exquisite planning, my darling.

Ooh, and, of course,

our man on the inside, so to speak.

I rather enjoyed doing some work.

Do you know, I painted a whole skirting board today?

The man only had to fill in a tiny little bit I'd missed.

Watching you brush away got me quite hot under the collar,

I must say.

Did it now?

Well, I could always keep the overalls on later.

Be still, my beating heart.

Ooh.

Cheers. Cheers.

Oh, are we celebrating something?

Oh, indeed we are. And if you've got any spare medals,

they should go to Sir Dom of Sainte Victoire.

Jeremy, we said we wouldn't. Oh, come on, Dominic.

Credit where credit is due.

One day and we've made the house look fantastic.

Jeremy, please.

And we couldn't have done it without his inside information.

What?

Well, you see, Jean, while you were dealing with that nasty murder,

Dominic took all the measurements,

he did all the prep, so my team just waltzed in

and voila.

Ooh, I'm doing French again.

Did he?

Thanks.

Jean. Jean.

Look, I'm sorry, but they paid me a fortune.

I didn't think I was doing any harm. What's the problem?

Dom, you took unauthorised photos of a crime scene,

potentially contaminating evidence.

If this gets out, I'm in big trouble.

I wasn't thinking about that, I was just thinking about the money.

I'd give you the money if you'd needed it.

Me. You only had to ask.

GLORIA: Thank you very much.

Thanks. No problem.

I think you're going to like this.

Yeah.

Right.