Original subtitles

In the Sign of the Taurus

Once upon a time there was a count --a really old fart who spent

most of the hot summer of 1924

studying his town's young daughters.

At close range, we might add.

His name was Count von Lieberhaus

--yes, that was his name. And he was the reason

his townfolk could live such a happy and light-hearted everyday life.

No one paid any taxes, thanks to his great wealth

and every once in a while the citizens got paid a big sum of money.

Ah, that's beautiful... I'm still standing at attention, thank you.

But this time, it wasn't money that attracted the count's interest

but the city's young ladies, who,

unfortunately for him, were closely guarded by their mothers.

The Police Superintendent's wife, Mrs Eulalia Striid,

Mrs. Mayor Herta Andersen,

who guarded her daughter...

Hulda Pillesen, the chemist's wife,

Chief Editor Blad's wife, and that strict pastor's wife

the town's most prominent guard of its virtue.

The old count lived in a big castle... Don't they all?"

While most of the town's women spent their time at the beach

the men were busy with their interests.

The mayor was known by everyone.

He was a popular figure in this town.

- Jerk! - Good morning, mayor.

The town's charming physician, Doctor Salvesen, took care of the sick and injured.

He also helped Pillesen, the chemist, who was the town's barber as well.

Pastor Fydensoej was so pleased with the count's donations

and his son Hector, who was engaged to the mayor's daughter, Dyveke

was always at the right place at the right time.

You certainly know my hours, don't you son? Here you go.

- Thanks, dear father. - Don't go spending it all in once place.

Carola Sejersen was known as the town's little 'hussy'

She lived just outside town, and was said to make her living doing needlework...

... among other things.

She took care of Albert,

Together the two minded their own business.

Pastor Fydenhoej had more interests than just money.

Nothing in life lasts forever. Especially not old counts.

And on this lovely summer day he had his first heart attack.

During one of his more intimate moments

tragedy struck one of the town's finest citizens.

Who pulled the plug?

Ohhh...

I always told the count that he should never... uhhh...

let himself get - hmm - aroused.

You know what he wrote in his will? Since he's wealthy and all?

That all his money will go right into the city's coffers. Am I right?

I was thinking of its citizens.

Well, the count certainly wrote his will alright.

God Almighty.

Number thirty-two.

Oh, you... Well, I've heard...

Thanks.

Thank you.

Firstly... aahahh...

YES!

- Salvesen speaking. - This is mayor Felix Andersen... What now!

- It can't be long now. - It can't?

- You'd better come over. - Of course, I'll be right there.

Secondly... I've heard from your mother

That you're looking at... ehhh...

Mandred Snagsted's willie!

How do you know that, mother? Were you looking too?!

Stop sucking that thing and listen! And the third thing I'm trying to tell you!

How do you think Hector feels when you're engaged in such free-spirited activities?

Here we put you together with the priest's fine son

A decent... uh, a respectable young man

who in the near future will take my place.

But dear father, I'll never do anything to disappoint my loving Hector.

I sure hope not!

Well, thank you!

I have to run. Duty calls.

- You'd better go home Hector. - Okay.

And let there be no more of those free-spirited activities.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye...

- Is he... - No, not yet.

I can't do anything more.

So you and the pastor have had enough? Isn't that so?

Yes, yes yes yes Ahh, I see.

- Andreas, oh I missed you so. - Dyveke.

Soon I'll be the head doctor.

Then we'll get married regardless of what your father says. Okay?

There are limits to how long I can wait, Hector.

Be patient. We have to keep a decent approach until I hear from Copenhagen.

Isn't that so, darling?

So he got his eternal sleep, the old smut peddler.

Finally. Now he's where he truly belongs, that filthy old bastard.

- This is a shame. - There goes our town's future.

Yes, the lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

He was an old pig. Yes, a scandal for the town.

Dear delegates, this meeting is called to order.

Count von Lieberhaus isn't...

what he once was.

Even though he was an old man, he was until the last minute a stiff man.

With good interests. Our town will always be in debt to the man.

Will you bring us his will?

Before we read his will there is one thing I want you all to do

Please join me in two minutes of silence.

True was his memory.

Yes, let us...

Mighty god.

- She'll probably get every nickel. - Who?

- What does it say? - C'mon read it.

- Have we been fooled? - Yes! No!

After my death I want no sorrow.

Therefore I invite the entire town to a big party at the pavilion

To my dear servants

Billie and Johnnie. I give you a lifetime allowance

at 25,000 crowns per year. "

And the rest of my fortune I bequeath to the first child who is born

outside of marriage and in the sign of Taurus,

and who will stay in town and endeavor to spend my money well.

If that happens, the count's fortune will remain and we'll still be able to avoid paying taxes.

Wait! There's more...

Every payment shall be withheld, until an out-of-wedlock Taurus is born.

If the out-of-wedlock child is born

in any zodiac sign other than Taurus

my entire fortune will go

to the Association for the Protection of Homeless Kittens

in Copenhagen

There must be a way to prevent this. If the count's fortune leaves this town

we'll all be forced to pay taxes.

The horror. The horror. What do we do?

We have to ensure that a child is born under the sign of Taurus right away.

- Ah dear God. - When is the sign of Taurus?

It falls between May 14 and June 21 Nine moths and fourteen days from now...

Gentlemen, it must be done. Muster up all your strength and start having sex.

We only have fourteen days! - Stop! This is too much!

We can't just start having extramarital sex and still maintain the town's good morals.

Not for 34 years has there been a child born out of wedlock here.

Our citizens live decent and respectable lives.

Yes, with one exception.

Miss Carola makes a living, I've heard, on her sewing house.

No, she makes a living on her "needlework".

I've got it!

There's just one woman in this town who could bring us this child.

and still keep the town a decent place.

- Carola. - Yes.

I myself should go over there and get some knitting done.

No sacrifice is big enough. Nothing!

But remember this. This will stays in here.

If this comes out, all hell will break loose.

- Keep your mouth shut. - Scouts honour.

I've heard it at the grocery store. Isn't it terrible?

- Dreadful. - Have you heard the count's last wishes?

The first illegitimate child born in the sign of Taurus gets all the money.

We don't even know how to do it.

We have to get started right away.

Most of us think it's just there to pee with.

- How does one get a child? - Ask your mother.

You can borrow my "Sex for Dummies" until tomorrow. But only til tomorrow.

What do we tell our innocent children?

- Do you think the boys know how to do it? - We could always ask them.

Have you heard about the count's wishes?

I mean...

Not a single child in this town knows about sexual intercourse.

so we thought about giving lessons.

lessons in sexual intercourse.

well...

Why not?

I'll teach a quick course in the true art of needlework.

Would you?

Sure, but let's not tell anyone.

- What about the boys? - You're right. The boys.

You know what? Let Albert take care of them.

On with it! What can I do?

Yes, you understand... Don't you want any?

Yes, ahhh... I mean... Here you go...

You know Miss Carola, right?

Well, we all do...

With one exception.

- I can't go to her place. - I understand.

Can you go lay it out for her. A few words on the tax situation, I mean.

But it has to be done incognito. She is our only hope.

Yes, she must be right?

What the hell would you have done without her?

You don't say, he would.

You could tell all your corrupt friends

that they already know the address.

Even in pitch black they found their way to Miss Carola.

I'm ready to negotiate.

if the mayor comes...

Yes, that was what she said.

Never! Never in my life!

"No sacrifice is too big, " wasn't that what you said mayor?

- We have a whistle blower in our house. - Yes, I'm afraid so.

- That wasn't good. - What do we do know?

It's like a runaway train.

once it's started it's difficult to stop.

Now we turn to Lesson 3.

Sometimes it won't just stand up on its own. And you've got to help him a little.

Just tickle it behind the crown jewels. Sometimes that helps.

Then you take a banana.

Here you go.

We spread our legs a little.

Then you grab the banana with the right hand, and help with the left one.

Bend your knees a bit. And then let this lovely jungle fruit

move slowly.

There you go girls.

Up and down

Back and forth. Back and forth.

You've got it, little Paula.

Nice and soft.

Enjoy it girls.

Think of the boy, too. You have to keep him alive.

He has to be pleasured too. Isn't that so girls?

Yes, you're right.

Back and forth Back and forth

Nice and soft.

Oh, it's so nice isn't it?

- I'd like some bananas - We're all out.

Well...

Don't grab on too hard in the beginning.

Nice and easy, otherwise you'll scare them away.

- Understand? - Yes.

Well, let's see...

Yes, why not. Rolf, come here.

Stand here, would you... Oops...

Alex and Paul, here.

The other day, when I stood... No, it wasn't my mother.

Are you crazy! I'm not like that!

And then I thought...

something must be rotten in the state of Denmark...

God, girls! Come here... Lollies...

One, two, three. One, two, three... Just like a waltz...

One, two, three.

Come on. One, two, three.

Put some effort in it. One, two, three.

That's good. C'mon. Put some effort to it.

One, two, three c'mon. One, two, three. A little bit more.

Faster! One, two, three. There you go. Lala-la-la...

Come on. One, two, three.

Yes, now we switch to Polka.

One, two, three and four.

a one, a two, you're doing it.

One, two, three and four.

Nice, short and powerful strokes.

There you go. There you go.

Oops, oops... Well...

Rolf, you're a little behind.

Come on!

One, two, three and four.

Don't hold back.

One, two, three and four.

Screw that peephole.

This is nothing like the real thing. But it's close.

It's much better doing it with a real woman.

Instead of getting a splinter in it... ... it tickles in a nice way.

I feel strange. I think I'm going to pee myself.

I'm going to pee. No it's better than peeing.

I think my willie's going to explode.

I'll be damned.

Well, now we have to plug these peepholes.

I know you're all worried.

And I know why. Some real strange things have happened in this town recently.

But the battle isn't lost yet.

I myself will pay Miss Carola a visit. And with my powerful, big and enormous -

- ahhh... authority. I'll convince her to fulfill our first plan.

Well don't get too excited.

And what is wrong with you?

Not like that. You have to go to the barber.

When it feels good

wrap your legs around his neck all the way, like that.

You're a real trooper, Paula.

What now?

God, it's the mayor!

Quick, girls. Hide...

Almighty god, is it you Felix? Bienvenue.

It's been a while...

Are you here to relive old memories?

No, no. God no. Nothing like that.

What is it then?

It's regarding the count's will.

- You want... . - NO!

My dear dear old friend...

Please Miss Carola, you are my dearest... my only hope.

What do you think, so that you wouldn't have to pay any income tax

about giving birth to an innocent child?

- That's where I draw the line. - Carola...

Think about what might happen. Think about all the decent, innocent people living here.

I've already done my duty.

Think about all the town's young and inexperienced girls.

I have.

All right. I'll do it. On one condition...

That you, dear Felix, in all your glory

and inconvenience will do me the honour.

Never! Not over my dead body. What do you think the voters would say?

Well, that's my condition.

Give it a thought, until tonight. You're going to the Count's party, right?

Yes. Please, everybody bottoms up.

Ladies and gentlemen.

As a special greeting to our gentlemen... ... and ladies...

let me introduce you all to the cunts... ... the count's gift to you:

Paris Can Can Girls. Take it away girls!

Get those dreadful women away!

Bravo! Bravo!

Sit down! You're a shame!

One, two...

May I have this dance Miss Dyveke?

Stop running your nose up my bottom all the time. Are you jealous?

You could have told me.

Let's hit the bar. Before we're dragged out on the floor again.

Could I speak with the mayor alone, please?

The doctor will join us.

How about a little devil in the bar, Pastor Frydenhoej?

No. No no.

- Where did they all go? - They're gone.

Look, there they are.

My god.

I think I'll go out and check my body temperature.

Where have they all gone?

- Felix! - They're gone?

- Felix! It's a miracle. - As long as they don't...

We have to find them. Come on girls!

- Young Paula isn't here either. - It's dreadful.

Mother, you have to find her and make sure she doesn't act like we did once...

I think they ran that way.

I'll go this way, and you go that way.

Alex?

Young Betty?

Take it out. Take hold of it.

- Does it tickle? - Yes.

Do you feel anything?

- I'm almost inside. - Ah, lovely.

It's a little extra feather here...

Alex!

Polly?

Betty?

Dyveke? Dyveke?

Dyveke!

Doctor! Doctor!

I'm scared to death. What has happened to our young innocent child?

Since you're such a lovely person, I was thinking...

I'm looking up.

You've ruined my night. And how does it look?

You've been drinking with the guys.

My dear Dyveke, I have to...

I'm not your little Dyveke anymore. We're through!

Betty and Alex, where are you?

Manfred, where are you?

Paula? Young Paula? Paula?

Alex? Betty?

No, I can't...

No. No. No. No.

No. My pants. Stop it girls! That's not my cup of tea.

Isn't there a real man here? A real man's man.

No! No!

No, No! No No!

Rosa? Rolf?

Rosa, , ,

That's good.

Oh dear.

Doing it in this hole won't get me pregnant. It feels good in there, too.

Come here, my love.

Stella! What are you doing! Come to mama!

- What now? - Stella, how could you do such a thing?

What now?

He's doing it by himself. There's nothing for us to do here. Let's go.

Hello?

- Ah, I can't do it any more. - Hello.

Where are you?

Dyveke? No, its not you.

- Have you seen young Paula? - No.

Hector! Selma! Come home!

Rosa!

Get over here right away!

Polly, where are you my sweet child? Mother here!

Polly? My lord...

Stop it! At least when I'm talking to you!

Felix! Gather the council. There's something happening that shouldn't be.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Get in here!

We have true prodigies here, eh?

To protect the town's morals we have to

assemble a group of guards for 30 days

to make sure the young girls are behaving decently.

In some extreme cases we may have to put the girls under house arrest.

Only we, the true gentlemen in this town, are

allowed to act as moral guards here.

Amen.

The Editor in Chief's daughters are good at it, eh?

Yes, they were born that way.

Must be fun to have that ability.

Good young Yrsa.

That is so good young Yrsa

One, two, three, four...

I thought I saw your daughter run upstairs. To the attic.

Impossible. I'll have a look myself.

No, it's totally empty up there.

Un muchacho en Soho...

- Hab’a, , , - Hab’a...

Hab’a un muchacho en Sohohooooo... .

My teacher is picky about that.

Good, my girl. No, I'll give you your award.

Almighty God, this town seems to have calmed down.

Thanks to the town's finest!

Yes, but it'll soon be too late.

I mean, if there's to be a child born in the sign of Taurus.

- What is wrong, Dyveke? - Must be the heat.

Has she eaten something she might be allergic to?

- Perhaps she doesn't wear underwear. - She's not pregnant I hope?

Yes, yes, yes. I'm pregnant.

What are you talking about child?

How... . ? By whom??

This is a catastrophe!

We have to get her married as soon as possible!

No, we're doing this slowly. Perhaps our little daughter. Our little innocent daughter

should go through her delivery first.

Travel away for a short while, will you...

And we'll arrange the wedding...

With whom? Now that Hector is out of the picture!

- Who is the father? - What has happened?

- I'm pregnant. - Dyveke!

And how do you know it's not Hector?

Same reason you know I'm your daughter.

Dyveke!

What if this gets out?

I might not be able to touch... hold you hand.

But even if this accident has happened, I'll stand by your side.

Would you marry me anyway?

It would probably be best if you go away for a short while.

until the delivery is done. Incognito of course.

Thanks Hector. Just one more thing...

How could the mayor allow himself to fool us

by having his own daughter sleep with an unknown man

in order to qualify for the count's fortune?

I assure you I have nothing to do with this.

Now, we all want to be a part of this!

Yes, and time is running out!

Wait. Can I give you a little word of advice?

My daughter isn't, as far as I know, the town's only young girl

who has run into trouble

Gentlemen, a couple your girls have put themselves in the same position.

But let's not forget that whatever happens,

whomever it happens to, it will affect us all in a positive way.

The count's money will stay in town.

I think I speak on behalf of everyone, even Pastor Frydenhoej, when i say

let's postpone all the marriages until after the sign of Taurus has passed.

We must all stand united on this issue.

I beg you all, do me this one favor.

Someone said "favor"?

It's not you Felix?

Could you... . Please leave the room. The meeting is adjourned.

Lucky for you. Because I have some friendly advice...

You all know me. Each and every one of you.

In and out. Up and down.

- Maybe with one exception. - It's improper.

I'll tell the Pastor what's improper.

To propose to a young innocent girl to put an unwanted child into this cruel world

just so that you wouldn't pay any income taxes

and keep your fancy town hall, complete with cloister, tower-clock and chime of bells!

And so that some certain spiritual man could get his share

so that he could get his little drink now and then.

And pay motherly visits to the capital two times a year.

Ah, god.

Police inspector?

Do I have to watch this?

Yes, you do little policeman.

Should I come forward this time of day?

You owe me 50 Crowns since the last time.

And the rest of you. With your high morals!

As you may have noticed, all the town's young females have run

around with their tongues hanging out, chasing down

every male just for a quickie.

And you close your eyes to that! Just because of taxes.

You want to have your cake and eat it too.

And you'll ruin this young woman's life!

And you're the town's so-called Wise Men!

You're selling out your own daughters for a nickel. And won't even let them keep a man.

The man who is the father of their child. Your grandchild.

Mayor!

You know what that is? It's called pimping. And it's punishable.

Politicians. Ah, to hell with you!

If you want me to shut up and do you a favor

then you take care of the morals.

Then the sin is on my table.

It's against true Christian beliefs

not to let your daughters go to the alter with a man at their side.

Alright.

I've known it all along. And played the game too, but now the game is over.

I hope the girls act on their own and talk to Pastor Frydenhoej.

And now you... Miss Mayor!

I'm the father of Dyveke's child!

And I'm going to make her my wife with or without your blessing! Understand?!

- I'll be damned. - Goodbye my ladies.

Andreas.

Let the women act

if the men can't.

We didn't wish for this situation Pastor.

But now we have to act on our unlucky children's behalf

and screw the count's money.

Yes, it's true.

Do you remember the summer of 1904?

Who did you promise ever-lasting trust

and then stole something that you couldn't return?

It was the same year you lured me up to that haystack down on Hjorrtholm.

Haven't forgotten have we?

I was tempted. I was tempted.

I'll bet your wife could hear more.

But what if this gets out?

Stop for God's sake.

I'll marry them all before Easter.

- H... Hello. Anybody home? - Yes, me. Everyone's at the wedding.

That's exactly what I thought. They're all getting married

and are thereby disqualified. And I thought we could...

It's true... Selma!

I've always liked your big... beautiful... eyes...

- Selma, I'm not like that. - You will be...

It's all gone.

Not a single child born outside a holy marriage.

- We keep our morals here in town! - Ah, to hell with the morals.

And all the keepers of the good morals.

From now on it will be expensive to be us.

- God, is something on fire? - You think there's a fire? Let's go!

Yes, as you can see... The count's last wishes are fulfilled.

And both Carola and the father...

That would be me.

... are well.

Long live Carola and Albert! Hurray, hurray, hurray!