Original subtitles

(BIRDSONG)

Dad, what time is it?

Am I late? What's going on? No, no, it's 6:30.

I just wanted to sit and have a bit of a read.

Can't you read in your giant house?

Once we're up, we're on a schedule.

I'm supposed to be in the shower right now.

Tony? (KNOCKS)

Tony? Bugger.

There you are. Mm.

You left the shower running. You're not dressed? Are you alright?

Yes, fine. Helen just wanted a bit of company over breakfast.

Really, Helen? Yep.

Well, we're right out of whack now. Where can we make up some time?

I suppose we could always do the crossword this evening.

Could we do the cryptic in bed or is that madness?

Oh, 6:33.

Come on, I'll put the toast on. You give yourself a wash.

No time for a shower now, so, just a quick A, P and C for you, please.

A, P and C?

Armpits and crutch.

Oh, Dad, come on. Please, use my shower.

He means well, just needs to be busy.

He wasn't ready for retirement.

Come on, Tony.

You'll be down to a crotch wash only if you don't hurry up.

Oh, Jesus.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

George, why am I meeting

with The American Cat Welfare League at 10:00AM?

I don't know, 'cause you like cats? No, I don't like cats.

Have you ever had a cat? No. I just said I don't like them.

How do you know you don't like cats if you've never had one?

That's a good point, Roz. Hey, webmaster, I'm supposed to have

a Zoom meeting with The American Cat Welfare League in five minutes,

but you never sent me the invitation.

Yes, I did. Ohh...

You've sent it to me. What?

You've made a mistake. No, I haven't.

Oh, yeah, you have. You've sent it to Roz.

Can you send it to me. And also I need this lot photocopied?

Gruber & Associates. How may I help you?

No, no, no, that's Conch.

What? That's the Conch Mediation Line.

"Good morning! Conch Mediation. You talk, we listen."

Don't worry, just put it through to my office.

Conch Mediation.

We talk, you... No, hang on.

You... Whatever. Here's Roz.

What's going on with you this morning? Are you high?

No. I'm overworked.

Sorry. I'm just kidding. It's not funny.

I'm doing three jobs at the moment. How many are YOU doing?

Just one. Yeah, so, shut up.

Sorry, that was unnecessarily aggressive.

That's OK. Are you alright? I'm really stressed.

Roz still hasn't hired a new personal assistant.

Oh, no.

Grandma's away on a cruise. I really miss her.

That's so sad, but I do have the meeting in one minute.

Could you send it through? (PHONES RING)

But I do want to hear about Grandma, so put a pin in that.

(PHONES RING)

Hi. I was wondering if I could speak to Roz Gruber.

WOMAN: Hello?

Hello?

Hello! Chad Sittler. (AMERICAN ACCENT) Correct.

I represent The Cat Welfare League of America.

My name's Helen. Helen Tudor-Fisk.

I'm from Gruber & Associates, a small law firm in Melbourne.

Sorry. I missed a lot of that.

Oh, beg your pardon. Is it dropping out?

It's your accent.

I can barely understand a word you're saying.

That is a very strong accent.

Is it? "Is it?"

(DISTORTED ACCENT) Yes, it is, Helen! (CHUCKLES)

Did you say you were in 'Melbun'?

Well, I said Melbourne, but whatever.

Shall we make a start? (AMERICAN ACCENT) Sure.

Let's make a 'stut'.

Oh, not even we talk. Jesus.

Theo, this is all very impressive.

Lots of waiting tables - that's always good. Any questions?

So, hours - I'm hoping flexible.

Oh, of course we can be flexible for the right person.

That's great. I've got two little ones, six and eight.

Ah, both school-age.

Does that mean you'd be looking to finish at 3:00PM?

Well, no, not both school-aged.

We're actually holding Rufus back a year.

Gonna start when he's seven. It's better for the child.

Is it really? Gives them more confidence

and encourages them to take learning risks.

Does it?

Why don't we talk about what's required here at Conch Mediation?

So, office basics, obviously, but number-one priority...

(PHONE RINGS) ..is managing my schedule...

(PHONE RINGS) I am so sorry.

I have to take this. I am lead parent this week.

Hey, little man, what's up? Gotta be quick, yeah?

Dad's in a very important meeting with a very important lady.

(MOUTHS)

He hid your asthma puffer?

Tsk. OK, can you put him on?

Samuel...

..where is Rufus's asthma puffer?

No, it doesn't go in the toilet, Samuel. That's not funny.

(QUIETLY) I'm so sorry.

(MOUTHS)

I have a client who passed away recently.

She left a large bequest to The Australian Cat Welfare League.

How large?

$10 million. I'm sorry, how much?

$10 million.

Say that again.

$10 million. $10 million.

Yeah, I hear you. It's just funny the way that you say 'tin millien'.

Yeah, OK, do you realise you're doing a New Zealand accent

when you say 'tin millien'?

Listen, this is an Australian accent - 'ten million'.

Thus is a New Zealand accent - 'tin millien'. Hear the difference?

No. Say it again for me.

Alright, thank you. We'll be in touch.

Great, great.

Oh, but no phone calls before 10:00AM, please.

That's usually when I'm trying to wrangle the little monsters.

And obviously evenings are a no-go.

That is the witching hour, as they say.

Do they? Indeed.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Right.

(CHUCKLES)

Listen, I'm trying to find The Australian Cat Welfare League.

Yeah, well good luck with that. They don't exist.

We made them change their name back in the '70s.

Change their name? What did they change it to?

I don't know and I don't care.

They were never affiliated with the American charity.

What a shame.

'Cause if you were affiliated in any way

you might have had cause to come after my 'tin million'.

Ah, well, let's just hang on... a minute here, Helen,

because, obviously, when I'm saying they were never affiliated,

what I mean to say... I'm gonna hang up on you now, Chad.

Hang on...

'Chad'.

Who looks at a baby and calls it Chad?

It's not even a name.

Sounds like a cheese.

I'm hungry. Is it lunchtime?

Ooh. Nice brown suit.

Hello. I'm Helen Tudor-Fisk...

I don't shake hands. OK.

Edith Babcock from The Australian Cat Welfare Alliance.

Now, I see from the newspaper - yes, I still get the actual newspaper -

that we've been left a bequest of $10 million.

Yes. Great. I was hoping this would flush someone out.

See, I was told there was no Cat Welfare League in Australia...

No, you're not listening, dear. I'm from The Cat Welfare Alliance.

Yep, what'd I say? We used to be called

The Cat Welfare League, but we had to change our name back in the '70s.

OK. Where's my tea?

There it is, right there.

Thank you, George.

No.

Uh... No good? You want me to make you another one?

No. I'll do it myself. Where's the kitchen?

Um... It's through there and...

Sorry, League or...

What did she say she was?

Ooh!

Right, tea - where is it?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, dear, what's wrong with your head?

What's this at the front?

You look like one of those birds.

What am I thinking of? Like an emu with a lump on its head.

Cassowary? That's it! Cassowary.

I'm sorry, can I help you?

Oh! Tea BAGS!

No wonder.

Do you have any tea leaves? Loose-leaf tea?

I'm afraid not. Extraordinary.

Well, this'll have to do.

I'd like it strong please, with just a spot of milk.

Now, Madam Cassowary, where's the lavatory?

It's through there. I'll just get you the key.

Key? Who locks a toilet? That's absurd.

That's what I've always said.

That's it. Just one page. Irene Sawchuck.

I remember this. But she died ages ago.

Yeah, I know. I kind of put it in the too-hard basket

when I couldn't track down the charity.

Jeez, Helen, what about all those poor cats that depend on welfare?

Yeah, righto. You make it sound like they're all lining up

outside Cat Centrelink with their little paws out.

It's not a joke. Yeah, I know.

That's why I'm sorting it out. This will is pretty vague.

I reckon you might need to make a cy pres application.

What's that?

Means a court has to decide where she wanted the money to go.

Really? Does that mean I have to go to court?

Worse. You'll probably have to get a barrister.

(GROANS) No. Boo! I don't want to get a barrister.

Mm.

Better, but I can still taste that bag.

OK.

OK. Mm-hm.

There is a slight issue with the wording in the will.

Yep.

Irene left her money to The Cat Welfare LEAGUE...

Show it to me.

No, there's no problem.

This is dated 1972, and in 1972 we WERE The Cat Welfare League.

I've already told you that. Yeah, I get it,

but, unfortunately, there's a tedious legal process we have to go through

in order to prove that.

More tedious than this?

I'm afraid so.

Well, I suggest you get on with it.

Now, toilet key - give it to me. That tea's gone right through me.

I don't have one. What? Why not?

Well, there's only one key, and Roz is the key master.

Who's Roz? The lady with the...

Oh.

Bird woman, where are you?!

Why on earth don't YOU have a key to the lavatory?

Are you an idiot? Just get another one cut.

Oh, my God.

I AM an idiot.

What's this? Your lunch.

No, I asked for dumplings. Yeah.

Oh, no, mate, you can't Uber Eats dumplings.

Yeah, you can, look.

Dumplings, fries, onion rings, anything in batter.

These are all foods that need to go from shop to plate, mate.

Shop to plate.

They did go from shop to plate. No.

These went from shop to bike to plate, yeah?

These have been driven around for hours in a box

next to curries, pizza, burgers, tacos,

and what do you get when you put all those things together?

Delicious party in your mouth?

Cross-contamination.

Dumplings that smells like tacos.

Burgers that taste like curry.

The dumpling shop's just there. Why didn't you walk across and get 'em?

Why didn't YOU just walk across and get 'em?

Ooh. What's with the attitude, mate?

Sorry. I'm just really busy.

I'm still doing a lot of Helen's admin.

And Roz is using me as her personal assistant.

I'm the probate clerk AND I'm the webmaster. It's a lot.

Did you Uber Eats my dumplings to get my attention?

Yeah. Maybe.

Well played, buddy. It worked. I'll talk to Roz.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, leave 'em.

I'll have those.

Thanks.

I'll eat 'em.

Hot happy, but I'll eat 'em.

Oh, hey, Ray... Nope.

(SIGHS)

Ray!

Ray?

What? Ray.

I'm on my way out. The dumpling shop closes at 3:00.

OK, well, I just have a quick question about a cy pres application.

Oh. Christ. Cy pres. Really?

Yeah. OK, sit down. I'll get Roz.

Roz?!

Rozalind! Yes, what?!

We need you in recepo!

God, why does everything take so long?

Fisk needs a barrister. She has to make a cy pres application.

Ah! what about Graham O'Keefe?

No, too handsy. Mm, good point.

Uh... What about that odd chap... They're all odd, Rozzie.

The slow talker. Does that strange eyeball thing.

Lovelock.

He's a bore, but he does live locally,

so, he might be prepared to pop in.

Save you a trip to chambers. Ronald - that's his name.

Ah, yeah, Ronald. Do you know him?

No. I was just trying to be in the meeting.

Meeting's over. Go on, give old stare-bear Lovelock a call.

Yep. Thanks, Ray.

Hang on, Rozzie. How're you going with your interviews?

I think George is feeling a little overworked.

He Uber Eats my dumplings today.

Ooh, you can't Uber Eats dumplings.

I know.

Oh, it's 3:05. They're closed.

You're not hungry. You're thirsty. Have a glass of water.

I am hungry, and I'm going to ring them

and see if they've got any in the bain-marie.

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

Hey, did you know there's a man in the photocopy cupboard?

Yeah, that's Brody. Brody who?

Brody from Fiverr. From Fiverr What is he, Danish?

No, he's from Fiverr. It's an app.

You can get people to do anything for a fiver.

Roz'll shit if she finds out you've outsourced photocopying.

You know how she is about confidential documents.

So? I'll just throw him another fiver to forget what he saw.

Righto, Tony Soprano. Are you gonna whack anyone who crosses you as well?

Maybe.

I'm on a hair trigger, Helen.

OK.

Madeline, I know what I love about mediation,

but tell me what attracted YOU to the position?

Mediation?

Yes, what is it about the mediation business that interests you?

Sorry, I... I thought this was a meditation business.

Thank you!

Oh, for fuck's sake.

The law specifically states that the money

was to take care of Australian cats.

Ooh, hang on.

Got a burp coming.

(GULPS)

(PUFFS)

Ooh, up she comes. Sorry, George, that's the pad thai talking.

Fisk, one more thing -

the barrister will insist on being called Mr Lovelock. Bit of a cock.

OK, money's to...

Money was for... Money's for the Australian cats.

To take care of Australian cats. Got it, yep.

Now that is starting to look like a schedule.

I think it's some of my best work.

Hi, Dad. Helen. Stay for dinner?

Uh... Yeah.

Good. OK. Sure. Thanks.

What's going on here? Are we planning a heist?

Just getting organised. OK.

Is everything alright? Yes.

I told you - he just needs to keep busy.

What's that, Tone? Uh... Nothing, Tip.

Who's for a drink? Oh, I'm good, thanks, Dad.

I'd love a glass of water. Thank you.

OK, right, now,

on Friday we've got a pickleball lesson at 12:00.

Now, Di won't want us to miss that. We've missed too many.

Sorry, Viktor, what am I looking at here?

Oh, we started life-drawing classes today. That's a female nude.

Ooh.

Was the female in an accident?

Oh, wow.

Gee, maybe Dad should be taking it a bit easy.

He's still recovering from a heart attack.

You don't want to schedule him into an early grave.

Oh. (SNAPS FINGERS) That reminds me.

We're choosing a mausoleum tomorrow.

I don't think he's even looked at the brochures.

Tony? (DOOR SHUTS)

What are you doing in the pantry?

Webmaster, did you get that audio file I sent you?

I really need the brief typed up before the barrister gets here.

Yeah, I'm working on it. I'll get it to you by the meeting, I promise.

Which barrister is it?

Mr Ronald Lovelock. He's a weird cat.

Ray said you have to get him some lunch.

Helen, I don't have time to get lunches.

I've got too much on. Calm down.

He said Uber Eats, that he wants that lunch 'well-travelled',

if you know what I mean.

Ooh, look out, Roz coming in hot.

Where's my 9 o'clock interview? Bethany Riley?

She called to cancel. Said the job was too entry level.

Didn't want to start from the bottom.

Oh, for goodness sake, she's 20!

I'm starting to think that young people don't want to work anymore.

Present company excepted.

Yeah, I'm not actually that young, Roz. I'm just short.

I was talking about George.

Yep.

Hey, your assistant - do they have to be young?

No, just organised and not afraid of hard work.

How do you feel about humourless?

Yes, please.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Walk with me.

Oh, you really ARE quite short.

Mm. It's never held me back.

I'll take you through now.

Mm-hm.

(WHISPERS) There's your brief. (WHISPERS) Finally. Thank you.

Helen, this is Mr Lovelock, the barrister.

Mr Lovelock. Helen Tudor-Fisk. Come on in.

Take a seat. Thank you very much... or up there....for coming in.

I appreciate it. I know you would normally meet in chambers,

but, um...

..I was told you lived local, so...

..this would...be OK.

(QUIETLY) Gonna move here, I think.

Given the hour,

midday fast approaching,

I think best we discuss luncheon arrangements.

Oh, I already ordered.

I like to set my palate,

so, when and what should I expect to eat?

Sushi. 27 minutes.

Good.

Good, yes.

Sushi.

Very good.

Very, very good.

Alright, then.

So, here's the issue.

This old lady, Irene Sawchuck,

does her will forever ago,

back when there WAS actually an Australian charity

called The Cat Welfare League.

Ms Fisk. But then what's happening... Yep?

I can read.

(SOFTLY) Got it. Shushy.

All making sense?

Finished?

Do you think I have enough to make the cy pres application?

Have you read this brief?

Yes. Well, I dictated the brief, so, any questions?

How was the pad thai?

What?

(READS) "Oop. Burp coming. Up she comes

"Sorry, George. That's the pad thai talking."

Meeting room.

Brody. Goddammit, George.

I'm sorry, I was eating my lunch while I was dictating the brief.

I also enjoyed this paragraph -

"Hey, Fisk..."

"..one thing about the barrister..."

"..he insists on being called Mr Lovelock.

"He's a bit of a cock."

Is that something you think I should present to the judge?

Mm...

Mm, no. No, I don't.

Alright, then. Alright, then.

So, pad thai and 'cock' notwithstanding,

do you think you can prove

the money WAS intended for the Australian charity?

One can't say.

One can't or one won't?

Ms Fisk, judges are like chimpanzees.

Yes, because they are 98% human -

vicious when provoked,

they like fruit with their lunch...

Judges, like chimpanzees, are highly unpredictable.

Yes, but I think in this case it's pretty obvious

that the money... I'm sorry, are you a judge?

No. I am not, sir.

Well, then, here we are.

Yeah. Ah, lunch! Good, good.

Yes, I don't see a beverage.

Filtered water will be fine, thank you.

Yes, can you get that, Brody?

Hm?

Oh, come on. I saw George pay you already.

He paid me to serve food, not beverages.

Fine. Get out. I'll get it myself.

Shitty job typing up the brief, by the way, Brody.

(SNIFFS)

Why does this sushi smell like pizza?

That's capricciosa.

Dad? Shh.

Viktor thinks I'm in the study, writing my memoirs.

Right, I've had enough of this. Come on.

Come on, let's go.

Viktor, Dad has something he would like to say to you. Don't you, Dad?

Come on.

Tip, how would you feel about rejoining the workforce?

Oh, Tony...

..have you forgotten? We've retired.

I might need to call Dr Dubas.

Your father's been a bit out of sorts lately.

I keep finding him in the pantry.

Viktor, this isn't about Dad.

Also it's just small movements on that, alright? Like that.

You don't have to give it that much. Alright.

You'll put your shoulder out like that.

Dad, can you just say what you came to say?

Oh, for God's sake. He wants you to get a job.

But, Tony, YOU'RE my job.

Helen, Edith Babcock is here to see you.

Edith! Wow, you must be pretty happy.

Weird, old Ronald really came through for you.

What are you gonna do with that 10 mil?

Spend it on the cats, of course. Of course, it's for the cats.

So, where is it?

What? The money.

Oh, it's in our company trust account.

Did you think you were gonna get a big novelty cheque?

No, a regular-sized cheque is fine.

Mm. And what about the interest?

Will that be paid separately? Interest?

Yes, I imagine there's quite a bit of interest on $10 million.

After all, it's been sitting there for nine months.

I imagine you're right. I... I'll have a look for you.

Just get up your account. Here we go.

Well?

I'm looking. Don't...

(CHUCKLES)

(SOFT BUZZ)

Yep.

Um...

Should be...

(SOFT BUZZ)

Are you the... Do you put...

Are you sure we didn't pay you the money already?

Oh, of course I'm sure. I'm sorry, what seems to be the problem?

What is the prob... Nothing is the problem.

Don't touch my... It's not your business, that's mine.

So, when are you going to transfer that money?

Oh, my God, what is the rush?

Did the cats not get their breakfast this morning or something? Just...

I just think that maybe we should do a big novelty cheque.

It's a good publicity opportunity. We'll take a photo.

Good for the charity. Let's do that.

I'm gonna order it and I'll let you know when it comes in.

OK? Good.

Oh, no, that cheque thing is...

Just get out. Go.

I'm...very busy.

George!

Did you want... Yes, quick, come in. Shut the door.

I think I've lost $10 million. How'd you get $10 million?

Oh, the slots. I've got a system.

Come on, Helen, you can't win that sort of money on the poker machines.

Blackjack, maybe, but only if you knew how to count cards.

Shh! Listen.

It's not my money, it's the cat-lady money.

It's not in our company trust account.

no, I moved it months ago.

What? Why?

You can't just leave money in the trust account.

It doesn't earn interest.

Roz almost got sued for that once.

Hey, shut the door.

Oh, come on, I'm not paying you five bucks to shut the door.

Fine. Give me the key.

Thank you.

No, no, the original has to go back into Roz's office.

You paid me to get that key cut.

If you want me to put this key in the scary lady's office,

it's gonna be another fiver. Danger money.

You know what?

This is a rort.

There, whatever's there, that's yours.

(QUIETLY) Rude.

Shut the door! Nah.

(GROANS)

That's your $10,172,000

all in an interest-bearing account.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Georgie Chen, if I was a hugger I would hug you so hard right now.

You know what? Wait right there.

OK.

Alright. Just one for...

Yep, he's gonna hug you.

That's nice.

Bit longer. Bit longer.

And release.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) Top stuff.

Bit of a treat.

(GASPS) Viktor!

I'm honoured. I am thrilled you're taking this on.

Yeah, me too. Thanks, man.

Yes, well, Justice Fisk thought it might be a good idea,

and the judge always knows best.

Indeed.

You know, I find being a mediator a little bit like being a judge.

Is that a joke? No, I don't really do jokes.

Hm! This could be a match made in heaven.

Viktor! You changed your mind.

Yes, your father talked me into it.

Right. Uh... Teabag in the bin, please.

Don't leave it in the sink. (GASPS)

Thank you.

Here we are.

This is us, Conch Mediation Services.

Lovely.

So, hours - 9:00 to 5:00. I hope that works for you.

Uh... I prefer to start at 8:00. I can ride in with Helen.

Oh, no, Viktor, I don't start till 9:00.

Nothing wrong with getting in early. Mm.

We'll be here at 8:00AM, Monday to Friday.

Oh, my God, I really AM an idiot!

Good man.

Now cross the road.

That's it.

Keep coming. Cross the road.

No.

No, don't take another job.

What?

Mate, shop to plate. Shop to plate.

(KNOCKS) Shop to...

Mate! (KNOCKS) Hey!

George, he's wandered up the street with them!

How did you know?

Brody. Goddammit.

You should have paid him a fiver to keep his mouth shut.

(INSECTS CHIRP) (WATER LAPS)

How'd you like the new boss?

Mm, well, you were right.

They do need me.

Have you got four across?

I'm not helping you, Tip.

It's an anagram.

Work it out for yourself.

Well, you know what the problem is?

I can't do the cryptic at night. In bed.

I told you this was madness.

# Meow, meow, meow, meow

# Meow, meow, meow, meow

# Meow, meow, meow, meow... #

# Meow, meow... # (TABLET CAMERA CLICKS)

The bank won't redeem this, you know?

# Meow, meow, meow... #

Is this your cat?

One of many.

Mm. (CAT WHIMPERS)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation