Original subtitles

So do I have to set all this up myself at the library?

No. George'll go with you.

I'd rather be out on the court with you guys.

I'll even play wing defence. Wing defence.

You're better than that. Come on, mate.

It's Copeland Shire Mixed Netball.

Gruber Roos, defending champions.

Why can't George play? Over 50s league.

Yeah, couldn't he get in as, like, an old soul?

Don't joke about that, Helen. I'm really passionate about netball.

Sorry, mate.

And we want you out there, but we can't bend the rules, champ.

Hang in there. Your time will come. I know, 2046.

I can't wait. Really hope you're not dead by then.

Back atcha, buddy.

Wouldn't it be better if Roz did it? Roz is on the netball team as well.

Yeah, we're not playing the final without Rozzie 'Boom Boom' Gruber.

She's our top shooter.

Well, could we maybe just skip it this month?

Last time the library cancelled a Q&A, there was a riot.

That Big Blue Bear in the Reading Chair had its head ripped off.

Oh, gee. What was the Q&A about?

Breastfeeding. It's not hard, Fisk.

You just run people through why it's important to make a will.

Let's go, George.

Obviously George'll change that to a photo of you.

OK, I like to keep the tone conversational, yeah?

A lot of people say to me,

"Hey, Ray, I can't be bothered to write a will.

"What do I care what happens when I die?"

Who says that? Shoosh, Helen. No heckling.

I say, "Is that right?

"What if I told you this is what happens when you die?

"That's your kids fighting - punching, kicking, elbows,

"maybe doing a little bit of Mixed Martial Arts.

"Let's not get bogged down in the detail.

"The point is, it's out of control,

all because you didn't write a will."

How about this scenario?

"Oh, hey, Ray. My mum died."

"Oh, did she, mate? Sorry, condolences." Next slide.

"Ooh, looks like someone didn't get their fair share

"of the inheritance pie."

Everybody loves pie, especially inheritance pie,

and at Gruber & Associates

it's our job to get you a bigger slice of the pie.

Yeah. That's it.

Nice one, Ray. Thank you, mate.

And then it's onto the Q&A,

and you'll need to know how to answer the questions.

Yeah, it's OK. I know how to answer questions.

Yeah, you think that. Hit me, Georgie. Ask me a question.

Hello, I'm a senior citizen and I've written my will on a gas bill

and I was wondering... Oh, gee, no mate.

You need to come on down to Gruber & Associates

we'll make sure your will's legit.

Next question.

Hello, my grandmother didn't write a will

and I was wondering when that... Ooh, gee, are you kidding?

No will? Well, don't just walk, run on down to Gruber & Associates.

Sorry, is every answer "Come on down to Gruber & Associates"?

BOTH: Yeah.

I mean, that's the whole point of everything.

I thought it was to give people actual advice and try and help them.

BOTH: No.

Why on earth would you think that? Yeah, Helen.

(DING!)

Yes, very good.

Dean.

Hello. What are you... Are you here to paint someone?

No, I've had to put the brush down.

Too many people were treating my art as a joke.

Oh. Sorry for your loss.

Dhanyavaad. That's Hindu for "thank you".

I've become a holistic healer. Holistic healing with your...

Hands. Hands. Yes, good.

And I could give your aura a cleanse if you like.

It's looking quite soupy.

Yeah, when you say soupy, is it like a clear broth,

or more of a cloudy chowder?

I see you're still using humour to deflect your emotions.

I'm actually here to see Roz. I'd like to get my will done.

Yeah, I'm afraid Roz doesn't do wills and estates anymore.

She has moved into mediation.

Think she might make an exception for me.

We had quite a connection.

Could you ask her? Ah, yeah.

She's in the middle of a mediation. Yeah, sorry, but I can help you.

Do you want to come on through?

Oh, OK, this is awkward.

Is it? Um...

Helen. Ooh, now it's awkward.

In many parts of the world,

you would be considered a very handsome woman.

Handsome? What?

I don't think I'm handsome. Please, it's a compliment.

Yeah, Helen, don't be so binary.

ROZ: I'm delighted by everybody's work today.

Well done, both of you.

Mediation is a process, and we got there.

Yes, well done, well done.

Hey, Roz... That went so well.

Mediation is a lot like jazz. Mm, cause no one really likes it?

You're listening, you're reacting.

A little bit softer now, a little bit louder now.

Skeebly-dip, skeebly-dap-dap-dap-boo and bring it on home with a result.

I tell you, I am really in the pocket.

Yeah, I don't really get jazz.

No.

What do you want, Helen? Dean O'Malley is in reception.

Do you remember Dean? Yes, of course.

Yeah, well, he's come in, asking if you'll do his will for him.

Well, that's your department now. You've made that very clear.

Yes, I know, but I think it's just an excuse.

I think he wants to see you. He says you had a "connection".

Ooh! I know.

Do you want me to get rid of him? I could tell him...

Dean? I'll tell him you're not here?

Dean! Hello.

Hello.

Yes, Roz.

Pastecki estate. How's that going?

Under control. Going out there this afternoon.

Why, what's the problem? Oh, no problem.

I didn't come in here for an argument.

I actually came in to find out if we're OK.

OK about what?

Dean told me you were quite upset that he was interested in me

and not you.

OK, that's not how I remember it.

OK. Fine. Calm down.

I don't want a man to come between us.

Do you think it might ruin our friendship?

I've always thought of us as acquaintances,

rather than friends.

Yeah, I know. I was kidding. Oh, humour. Yes.

Dean warned me that you might try and hide behind that.

Alright, well, as long as we're OK.

We're good.

Sorry, what's going on with all these cords?

Just plugging in all my stuff.

It looks like you're on life support.

What? Tidy them up.

Yep. No worries, friend.

What?

Jesus.

Ray, I'm not paying those cleaners...

Fine. They didn't finish the job.

I spent the whole afternoon... Whatever, Fisk.

You across your library presentation?

Did you wanna run it? No, I don't need to run it.

I just say, "Come on down..." Hang on. Whoa, Rozzie.

Rozzie, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I know, I know. What's going on, Boom Boom?

You can't be limping. What happened? Well, I'll tell you what happened.

I tripped over the spaghetti junction of leads

in Helen's office last night.

Leads I asked you to tape down.

What were you doing in my office last night?

I think the words you're looking for are, "Sorry, Roz. Sorry, Ray.

"I guess that's your netball final shot to pieces."

Sorry, Roz. Sorry, Ray.

But seriously, what were you doing in my office last night?

Unless you can play netball, Fisk.

What are you like with the ball? Yeah, I'm alright.

Well, I didn't know you were gonna throw it at me.

Ray, I'll be fine. Dean is coming over to do some Reiki on my ankle.

Oh, so dinner went well, did it?

A lady never tells.

Reiki, what is that, exactly?

It's the laying on of healing hands.

Well, we hope it's his hands. With Dean you don't know, do you?

He might have invented some kind of penis Reiki.

If it works, I won't complain. But don't worry, Ray.

I will play through the pain if I have to.

You're a trooper, Boom-Boom.

Ooh! Oww.

You're right. I'm alright.

Go again.

Yeah, I thought you would have caught that.

And it... Jeez.

Just one more, one more. Come on, yep.

Just say...say that you're gonna throw it.

I'm gonna throw it.

Fuck it. Jeez.

You're throwing too hard.

Helen, I need a list of whoever's been at Babchya's house.

Ally Pastecki, hello. Ah, do we have an appointment?

Just answer me. Who has been at the house?

A lot of people. The real estate agent.

The movers, the cleaners.

There was a stylist there today. I was there yesterday...

Oh, my God. Moving rubbish.

Why did you let so many people go in there?

Well, because Babchya made us the executors of the estate,

and we're preparing the house for sale.

What's the problem?

I've been through all the boxes and I can't find her recipe book.

Well, don't worry. I'm sure it'll turn up.

Maybe the cleaners stole it. I bet the cleaners stole it.

Yeah. I doubt it. It's all her traditional recipes.

It's called 100 Ways With Cabbage. OK, now I really doubt it.

And it's got a green cover with flowers and it's in Polish,

so it actually says "Kapusta".

Mmm.

(SPEAKS POLISH)

Right. Kapusta.

Babchya made me the custodian of her recipes.

Right. Keeper of the cabbage, as it were.

It is not a joke. No, it is not.

And I am going to track down that book, so you get out of here.

I'm on it. Please.

Yes.

Shit.

George! Grab all the gear, we're leaving now.

We've gotta swing by the Pastecki house on the way to the library.

Hurry up, buddy.

Come on, hustle, hustle. Let's go.

OK, here we go.

Oh, come on.

Glove up, Georgie. I'm gonna need a boost.

You good?

OK.

And, huh!

Are you boosting?

I'm not going anywhere.

You're surprisingly heavy, Helen. What? What do you mean?

I thought you'd be quite light,

but you're like my Grandma's Burmese cat.

Solid like a brick. Fine, you go in.

You're looking for a scrapbook full of Kapusta recipes.

I can't go into the dumpster. I'll ruin my fresh fit!

Your what? This!

It's vintage old man swag.

I'll phone a friend.

OK.

Can you feel that?

Oh.

Am I supposed to feel your hands, or...?

No, my hands will never touch you, just my energy.

And how about this?

Does that feel better or worse?

About the same? The same.

Don't want to use a bit of this on it?

No, no, toxins.

What about strapping it, Roz?

I definitely think you should strap it before the game.

Dean, what do you think? Do you think we should strap it?

No, we don't want to trap bad energy in there.

Mmm.

Maybe you could give Dean a little more space to work.

Move back. Oh?

Maybe a little bit more? OK.

More?

Right, I'm ringing Dr Dubas to get some painkillers.

No toxins.

OK.

How did you go with the plant-based buffet last night?

Mm, it was very unpretentious.

Exactly. No meat, no dairy, no eggs.

And not a lot of flavour, either.

Don't worry about flavour.

That will come.

First, we need to reset your palate with some clean eating.

OK, here we go.

Breathe in.

And brace.

Oh, sorry, was that too much?

No.

Are we finished? No.

Should be another hour or so.

Did they say how long they'd be? We've gotta get to the library.

Hey-o!

There's your answer. Oh.

Yeah, this dumpster dive is about to get really fun.

(SINGS TUNE)

Hi, Peggy.

Yep, I'm ready.

I'll count to three. No, wait, wait, wait.

Is it going to be one, two, boost on three,

or is it one, two, three, then boost?

Helen, it's one, two, three. (SHOUTS)

You all right in there, HelBear?

So, Georgie, what's happening tonight?

Are we kicking on? No, we're doing the library talk.

You and the Hell-meister? Yeah.

Ray and Roz have got their netball final on.

I don't know. Do you think she's up to it?

Not really. Yes, I am.

Maybe I should tag along, bit of moral support.

No, thank you.

Yeah, thanks, Peggy.

Kapusta!

Great. Let's go.

Three Musketeers.

Guys?

Guys!

Guys!

Bobby's been absolutely hopeless in goal.

Maybe we should move her to wing attack.

You're joking? She's dead weight. I'm putting her on wing defence.

Knock-knock. Hello, my love. Dean.

My love? How's the ankle?

Much better, thank you. She's off her face.

She took some codeine. Only as a precaution.

I think the Reiki did most of the work.

I thought I might come along tonight.

Darling, what time is kick-off?

Darling? There's no kick-off, mate. It's netball.

I brought some date and chia squares for half-time.

Nope. And some juice.

Brown juice? Where's that from, the Yarra?

That is very thoughtful of you, Dean.

Thank you. No, need for thank yous.

I just want to stay in your orbit.

And Ray, you're looking a little bit pasty.

Mm. I might get you a thistle tea.

Please don't.

What is going on with that guy?

He likes my orbit. What can I say?

You are off your face.

Alrighty. All set? Bombs away. OK.

Thank you.

All good, Georgie? Just up there. Yep.

Alrighty.

Do you want me to do a tight five and bring you on?

I've been doing an online stand up comedy course.

That sounds fun.

But no, tonight, I'm going to do something different.

I am going to win them over with sophistication.

We are having a Q&A with...

..wine and...

..cheese. Oh, that's great.

Toothpicks there. We'll crack open some of this wine.

Both colours. Here we go.

Whet the whistle.

Yeah, if you want to have a loosener, go right ahead.

I think it's all gonna go really well.

Alright. Yeah, that looks nice.

Everyone ready?

Good to go, HelBear. Let's open up.

Welcome. Come on in.

Please help yourself to a glass of wine and some cheese,

and then take a seat.

On the house.

Come on in. We're having an information night. All welcome.

Is the wine free?

Can we sit anywhere or is it numbered seating?

No, you can sit anywhere you like.

Helen? Popular.

Are there any non-alcoholic beverages?

Yes, there's a drinking fountain just down there.

No, I meant like an orange squash or a barley water.

No, there's no cordials, mate. It's not the 1940s.

Well, that seems unfair.

Helen. Helen! Helen! Yeah?

A bit of help? Jesus.

OK, OK, there's enough for one glass of wine each.

So just take one and get a bit of cheese.

I need a plate! There's no plates.

You don't need a plate because you...

You've just taken too many cubes. Just put some back.

There's enough for everyone, if no-one gets greedy.

You calling me fat?

She's got a plate. How come she's got a plate?

Oh, my... Hey, Peggy!

Peggy, that one. That one there's got all the cheese.

Well, that's not complimentary. It's not on.

Don't raise your voice at people.

There's no cheese. There is cheese.

I didn't even get a cube. There's more cheese underneath.

I'm on it.

There's more cheese?

No, it wasn't a signal to run.

OK, now, remember, just a few cubes each.

OK, just back up, please.

Hey. Hey, everybody sit down now.

Take your seats.

We've got a very informative session planned, and...

(COMMOTION)

I can't breathe!

It's happening again! Jocelyn, call the police.

There's another riot in the reading room.

There's more wine under the table. There's wine under the table.

Do you think it'll be Roz or Ray? I don't know.

(WHISPERS) It's Ray.

I have no words.

I expected more from you, George. Peggy, I'm so disappointed in you.

Yeah, but Ray, it wasn't... Uh, uh, uh. I don't want to hear it.

Roz is outside talking to the police, Fisk.

The police. In Helen's defence...

Not another word.

The library, the victims, the police -

they've all agreed that this can be resolved through mediation.

Fortunately, that's Roz's area of expertise.

Thank God for Roz.

What are you doing here?

I thought I might pop down if anyone needed some healing.

I'm here for you. Put your hand down, Peggy.

Why have you got my trophy? Can I have my trophy, please?

You're not required. Go and sit in Roz's car.

So did you have a win, then? Oh, not the time.

Sorry.

48-22. We smashed 'em.

But I'm still angry.

Knock-knock.

Hello, darling. Dean.

How's the ankle?

Dean, now's not a good time. Oh. OK.

I could perhaps wait for you downstairs

at the blended beverage bar?

Mm. Yes?

Could I get you something? No.

No? OK.

Looks great. Yes.

Bye-bye. Bye. Yeah.

Oh, come on Rozzie. This is a workplace.

I've had just about enough of the John and Yoko act.

It's not my fault. He's just really taken with me.

What can I do? Put your mediation face on.

Come on.

Welcome to the round table, where we are all,

like the Knights of Camelot, equals.

No one person is more important than the other, no individual...

Yep, OK, we're all the same. Come on, go.

Now I'd like to start by taking everyone's energy levels.

I think I'm a solid 9.

Presley? Mm. 7.5?

Yep, and I'm a 10, so let's go. Let's move on. Come on, crack on.

That's high.

Alright, we are here to determine what happened the other night...

I'll tell you what happened.

Alcohol was brought into the library, carpet was damaged,

and my shuttle bus driver was maimed.

Maimed?

The paramedic said it was a small scratch under his eye. Under.

I'd like to call in a witness if I may, Roz.

It's not court. You don't need permission. She's not a judge.

I'll allow it.

Call your witness. Laurie.

It's Prez. Over there, love. Over there.

That's it, forward, forward.

No.

Laurie's our shuttle bus driver.

He drives seniors to and from the library.

Well, he did, until he became blind.

He's hardly blind. He's got a sore eye.

Laurie, how many fingers am I holding up?

Three.

Let the record show Laurie can still see.

There's no record, Helen. It's not court.

Should have said four. Sorry, love.

Continue.

And what about Blue Bear? And what about Blue Bear?

Expand on that. Well, he had his head ripped off.

Again. Yep, and there's the key word.

Again. This is not the first time there's been a riot at your library.

What's your point? That's precedent.

There's clearly a culture of violence at your library.

But you admitted to bringing alcohol into the library.

Yes, but I also saw these two pre-loading in the carpark.

Oh, please. It was one Bacardi Breezer each.

I think it were three, love. Shut up.

Also, Your Honour, I want it on the record, she called me fat.

Roz, I want it on the record I did not call her fat.

Oh, there's no record, Helen.

Why is there a record when she says something and not for me?

Alright, so Helen,

I propose that you buy Anne and Laurie a Liquor Town voucher

to the value of $200.

And you will replace the library carpet.

And what about my shuttle bus?

Laurie can't drive with a patch on his eye.

Yeah, he can't work, and he also might lose an eye

all because she brought cheese into the library.

(UNDER BREATH) Shut up, you fucken idiot.

Did you hear that? She just called me a fat idiot.

She called you a fucken idiot, love.

Are you sure? Oh, yes.

Yes, my hearing's improved since I went blind.

Oh, my God. Laurie, you're not blind.

Presley, anything else? I'm still down a shuttle bus driver.

Laurie's going to be out two weeks because of his injury.

Helen? Yes, Dean?

I was just wondering where you put that painting that I did for you.

Oh, yep, right there.

Ah! There it is. Mm.

Ooh, I can see that I haven't signed it.

Would you like me to?

With a pen, or...? Either way.

Your choice. OK, I'm going to go pen.

Not authentic. I'll give it a go.

I think we're in an office. Best to use a pen.

Where was it?

Long story short, it was thrown into a dumpster by mistake.

Oh, my God, who would throw it in a dumpster?

Is that important? It is to me.

OK, ah, well.

I don't want to name names, but I will say this,

I'm not paying those cleaners.

Because they threw Babchya's book in the bin?

I never said that, but if that's the conclusion you want to draw,

I'm not going to stop you.

Yeah, I'm sorry about the smell. That's from being in the skip.

No, no, that's cabbage.

Is it?

Oh.

It's a strong smell.

Cabbage and suet pudding. That's a favourite.

Oh, I bet the kids love that.

I was always a big suet fan as a kid.

Mm.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello.

Terrific result at the round table yesterday.

You got off lightly, thanks to Judge Roz.

I'm kidding. I know I'm not a judge.

Still, great result.

Yeah, I guess.

So, I need to ask you a favour, as a friend.

A gal-pal. I thought we were acquaintances.

Whatever. I need you to do something for me.

Do you remember last week when Dean was here and you said,

"Do you want me to get rid of him?"

Yes? Well, I want you to.

Want me to what? Get rid of him. He's too much.

This always happens to me. Men get so attached, so fast.

I'm like a magnet.

You want me to tell Dean he's dropped?

Well, not exactly in that language. We're not in primary school.

But essentially, yes. Oh.

I'd rather not get involved in your personal affairs, Roz.

Really? After everything I've done for you?

Presley could have pressed charges.

Anne, Laurie, all of them. But I convinced them not to.

Fine. Can I do it by text?

Well, that's a little impersonal, Helen.

Says the woman who wants to send a proxy to break up with someone.

Ooh, hello. Are you cutting Yoko loose?

No, I am, apparently. Good stuff. Do it, Fisk.

The man's a barnacle. Oh. Thank you.

Win-win. This is exciting.

It is.

Alright, who's next?

WOMAN: Betty Buckley.

45? Yes.

Got it.

(HONKS)

Oh, jeez.

Morning, Betty. Do you want a hand?

I'm good, love. Alrighty.

Come on, Betty.

We're gonna miss out on all the good books.

Oh, shut your face, Irma.

What'd you say?

I said shut your face, Irma.

Oh, this is fun.

Alrighty.

Number 37.

Is that...?

Oh, it is. Hey! What about Howard?

No, he's too slow. We'll miss all the good books.

There you go. Got you a Singin' The Bluesberries.

Thank you, Helen, that's very generous of you.

But I hope you don't think this is going to lead somewhere.

You and I are just friends.

Yeah. My heart belongs to Roz.

Hmm.

About that.

You OK?

We had so many plans.

Sure.

Did you still want me to...

Yes, if you wouldn't mind.

Ready? Yeah.

Here we go.

Ooh.

How's...how's that?

Ah, yeah, a bit firm. OK.

Yeah, back it...back it up a bit.

Is that...is that any better?

No. Just...

Yep. Is that...?

How's that?

Oww.

Maybe I'll just...

Oh, no, seriously, can you stop? Yep.

Yeah, maybe just... we'll just leave it.

OK, yep. We'll just leave it.

I'm sorry. Yeah, I feel worse now.

Um...

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation