Original subtitles

Ginsing-a-ling for Freya.

Thank you.

Morning. Hello.

Welcome to Blendology.

Do you know how a blended beverage bar works?

Yeah, Melcome, it's me, Helen.

Remember, I was in here the other day?

We had the whole Melcome/Malcolm thing.

No? Whatever. Gee, it's really going off in here.

Oh, we're doing a pay it forward special.

You buy one today, we give you one next time.

Oh, I was hoping you'd got a coffee machine.

No caffeine, I'm afraid,

but you could try a Chicory Kickory Shock.

That'll give you a real punch in the awareness.

Yeah, alright. And what base would you like?

Nut mylk, oat... Dealer's choice. Surprise me.

Rice mylk.

That'll be $16.

Wow! Is that the punch in the awareness?

Your name?

Still Helen.

Nup.

Hey, Melcome? Hello.

Welcome to Blendology. We're a blended beverage...

Yeah. I know. It's me. Still Helen. I was just in here.

Oh, yes! How's the beverage?

I don't know, it's too thick.

I can't suck it through the paper straw.

Look, it's all crushed. Do you have any plastic straws?

Boo!

Sorry, are you booing me? Turtle killer.

I'm not gonna shove the straw up a turtle's nose.

I just want to drink my beverage. Jeez, relax, people.

We do have reusable metal straws available for purchase.

(WHISPERS) Boo.

Seriously, stop booing me, man. Come on.

That'll be $25. 25 bucks?!

Boo!

Boo!

Sid, stop it.

Helen?

Oh, finally you're here.

Finally? It... It's 9:02, Roz.

I need you in reception. I've got a big announcement.

I'm actually quite busy, so I'll have to...

You're not busy! You're slurping... What is that?

Ooh. I call it breakfast soup.

I've taken my beverage, 'cause it was too thick to drink...

Come on, I need you now. This is important.

This is important.

Breakfast. Most important meal of the day.

Come on!

I'm coming!

I'm afraid I have some rather sad news.

Oh, no, is Ray dying?

What? No! He's fine.

Oh, thank God.

Are you dying?

No!

Oh, thank God.

I have decided it's time for me to hang up my probate law hat.

Last week, I discovered my true calling.

I'm leaving to pursue a career in mediation.

Is this your last day?

No, I still have to complete the mediation course.

Ray must be a bit upset.

Well, I mean, I think we all are.

It's the end of an era. Mmm.

But let's not dwell on what the world of probate is losing.

Let's think about what the world of mediation is gaining.

What about me? Could I gain your office?

No. Car space?

No! Toilet key?

No.

Want me, Ray? Yep. In you come.

I just want to walk you through a couple of things...

No, no, no, mate. Not the couch?

Never the couch.

Come on. This is for you.

That is our most prestigious, high-profile client.

Oh, God, don't give it to me...

Is that Sergei Bennett's file? Sergei Bennett?

Not the playwright?

I was looking after it, but as I am no longer with the firm...

Please, don't talk about it, Rozzie. It makes me too sad.

This was our dream. What can I do?

The world of mediation needs me more.

Sorry, isn't this the guy who's famous for hating women

and not letting them perform his plays?

Relax. He doesn't hate women any more.

Since when? Since he died.

His son, Nikolai, inherited everything,

including ownership of the classic Bennett play, Death of Man.

Don't know it. Oh, it's wonderful.

I'm not really a theatre person.

I usually leave at half time.

Do you mean interval? I don't know, do I?

You got the flyer there, Rozzie? Yes.

Nikolai Bennett owns the copyright for Death of Man,

and this local theatre company is putting on a show...

Mounting. We say mounting a production, Ray.

No, I'm not saying that.

Yeah, hang on, this says Death of Woman, not Death of Man.

As you can see, they're playing it a bit fast and loose with the words.

Text. It's the text, Ray. Rozalind, please.

Nikolai wants to shut them down. He's coming in to get some advice.

OK. Well, I'm off.

I've got conflict resolution training for the rest of the day.

Exciting. Fun.

I'm really gonna miss her. Are you?

Yeah, me too. We should get her one of those big cards.

Can I have her office? Bit insensitive, Fisk.

I'm clearly grieving.

I did say we should get her a card.

Yeah, you did say that.

Fisk? Yes.

You're up. Bennett's here. Let's go.

Ah, here he is. The man of the hour.

Ah, words are easy, like the wind.

Faithful friends are hard to find. Yes, they are.

Who said that?

Fisk, you wanna jump in?

Ah, is that a line from Beaches?

Beaches?

With Bette Midler and the lady with the big lips...

I think she's just having fun. Good one, Fisk.

Ahh.

Of course we all know it 'twas the Bard.

Yes. That's what I was gonna guess!

No you weren't, mate.

How're you holding up, chief?

Ah, to weep is to make less the depth of grief.

I was gonna say the same.

Yeah, it's very sad. Oui.

Fisk. Yep?

Do you wanna...?

Yes, Mr Bennett, would you like to come with me, please?

Of course. Thank you.

Exit stage left. Oh, that one I know.

That's Snagglepuss. No.

The Pink Panther? Who's that?

Are they the same? No.

My advice? Ignore it. Let them do their little show.

Don't give them any free publicity.

Honestly, no-one's buying a ticket to this.

They're a small suburban clown theatre company.

Ah, yes, but what type of clown, are they?

Unfunny, I imagine.

Women. They are women.

Yeah. I'd be more concerned about the fact that they're clowns.

My father banned women from performing this play.

Yeah, but you own the copyright now. You can remove that ban.

Why would I do that?

Well, because banning women from doing stuff

feels a little bit Talibanny.

If I may quote Portia from Merchant of Venice?

Oh, please.

So is the will of a living daughter, curbed by the will of a dead father.

Yeah, and see the word that jumps out at me there is 'dead'.

Your father's dead. He's not gonna know.

So you wouldn't respect your dead father's wishes?

Oh, mate, I barely respect my living father's wishes.

I'm a constant disappointment.

Look at me.

Mmm.

Thank you.

Ooh, hello, George. What's this, then?

I've got quite a following on Rubble Runner,

so I've been sponsored by Luxolab gaming chairs.

They've sent me a Camelot Caboose Double G Pedestal Edition.

Very, very nice.

May I? Please.

Thank you.

Have you read the play?

I have not, sir.

It's an absurdist comedy.

Don't you see the problem? No.

What could be more absurd than two women performing it?

Why are you not getting this?

The play is supposed to be funny.

Oh, mate, a lot of theatre's supposed to be funny.

I assume we have attorney-client privilege in this room?

Ah, yeah, sure, OK.

OK, then the problem is thus - women aren't funny.

Oh. Oh, OK.

And you said as much yourself earlier.

No. No, I didn't.

I said clowns aren't funny. That's very different.

You know, I reckon they're gonna accuse you of gender discrimination.

And I will accuse them of breaching copyright.

They have altered the text.

Seriously, you want me to send the Clown Car Theatre Company

a cease and desist letter?

I do indeed.

If I may quote Henry the Fifth...

Oh, would you?

..he which hath no stomach to this fight, let him depart.

His passport shall be made.

Your next client is here, Helen.

Oh, can you put them in the meeting room, George?

I could be a while. We're getting passports made, apparently.

Yeah.

What do you think about getting an air fryer for the office?

We could do chicken legs, wedges.

It's all fat free. Air fryers are pretty big.

I reckon Roz would shit.

Yeah, well, Roz isn't part of this firm any more, so...

Ooh, look out.

Alright, so I will let you know as soon as I've spoken to the clowns.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny,

but in ourselves.

Mm, yes. We will fight them on the beaches and in the theatres...

What? ..and, yep.

My God, that guy.

Oh. How'd it go in there?

Ah, not great.

How's things out here, Captain Kirk?

Excellent. All good on the bridge?

Absolutely.

OK, me. Who, am I? I'm an influencer.

You probably know my Insta - KweenMareen?

Ah, no, I'm not on Instagram.

Oh, sad.

Well, my brand, it sits mostly within the lifestyle space.

Oh, OK, so you studied lifestyle? No. I've got a Bachelor of Science.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. Beg your pardon.

I used to be a medical researcher,

but I think I can help more people as an influencer.

Really? OK. So influencing is a job?

Yeah. Sponning is a big part of how you make money.

Yes, and sponning is...?

Sponsorship. Yeah, of course.

I also get paid to attend events, add a bit of glamour.

Just because normal people, they tend to be a bit, like...

Mm, normal?

Plain? Yeah, exactly.

I mean, they're really nice,

they're just a little bit plain in the face.

So what can this plain-faced lawyer do for you today?

Oh, stop it!

I love your brown suit. Oh, thank you.

It's very coastal grandma.

OK, me. What do I want? I want to make a video will.

Oh, OK, well,, that's not a thing.

Exactly. I'll be the first.

I've even thought of a hashtag - #willennial.

'Cause it's like a will, but for a millennial.

Yeah, Mareena, listen...

OK, there's no such thing as a video will.

Yet. No, ever.

That's quite bright. Can you put that down?

Yeah, now, let me explain a few things to you

about wills and estates.

I mean, basically, that's why a will needs to be a physical document.

Oh, hey! Hey, hey, are you OK?

My God. I'm sorry.

I'm just really bored!

This was supposed to be fun!

Well, yeah, making a will can be fun.

Fun and responsible.

You know, responsible fun,

like ordering two entrees instead of a main,

or popping an ice cube in your rose,

or sprinkling a little bit of salt on your bread and butter.

Wearing a sensible block-heeled shoe,

so you're comfortable all day, but you still look good...

What? All I wanted was to start a trending hashtag.

Yeah, I don't know what that is, so.

It's like #ToastTuesday, where everyone posts recipes of toast.

Why do you need a recipe for toast?

I have just wasted my whole day on this,

and I haven't got anything to post.

Well, maybe you could...could you post about blended beverages?

That could be fun. Like, what about #MilkshakeMonday hashtag?

Well, it is on brand for me, but it's not Monday.

OK, give me it. I still want the free beverage.

OK, well you take that.

But how are we feeling about doing a good old-fashioned paper will?

You know, we get a photograph of you signing it.

You know, we could really have fun some with it.

No. What's the point?

It's not like I'm gonna die any time soon.

We don't know that. You know, life is random.

You could walk out of here and get hit by a tram.

Why would you say that? Yeah, I don't know.

That was terrible. Honestly.

Tea.

OK.

(SIGHS)

Hey, webmaster. I've got a bit of reading to do.

Any chance I could use the Caboose? Occupied.

Eh.

OK.

Dad was off sugar by then. He was using saccharine.

Oh, look out. Rozzie's on deck.

Hey, Roz. Ray.

I'm sorry, what am I looking at? It's my new gaming chair.

Gaming chair? Aren't they dangerous?

Didn't one of them explode and kill someone?

No, that's a myth.

I mean, it happened one time in China, but no-one died,

and another time in America.

But otherwise, total myth.

Why is it here... And maybe one time in Romania.

It needs to go immediately.

It looks like we're doing pedicures in here.

That's a shame, mate.

Seriously, though, it's not gonna explode, is it?

Only with comfort.

Good. Very good.

Fisk! No.

What is it with you and that couch?

You're like a disobedient Labrador.

I won't... I wasn't doing anything.

You right? Yep.

Hey, guys, it's your Kween, Mareena.

OK, so there's a new moon in Sagittarius.

Oh, hey. This is Sid. Say hi, Sid.

Hi. She's so cute.

Is that your truck over there? No, that way.

Thanks so much for doing this. No, a pleasure, mate.

I am actually in North Melbourne, very exciting, and there's a...

Helen? Yes, Roz?

What's the latest on the clowns? I'm working on it.

I just don't think I've got a very good argument.

Nikolai's well within his rights to demand they shut down.

Is he, though?

It really feels like gender discrimination and as women,

I don't think we should be supporting that.

Do not lecture me on women's rights.

I marched for Hillary. I wore a pink pussy hat, did you?

No. I don't love marching or the word 'pussy'.

The play is an existential discussion

on what it means to be men.

Ohh, I'm bored already, Roz.

When they change the gender of the characters,

they're breaching copyright!

Yeah, I know that. But the problem is...

What's Ray got?

What's in that box, please, Raymond? Not your business, Rozalind.

You don't work here any more, remember?

Ohh.

It's the sulking I can't stand.

Alright, I'd better head up. Yeah, beautiful.

Thanks so much for your help. No worries.

And say hi to Sid while you're here.

She's awesome.

(BANG!) (SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Get down! Everyone, get down!

Melcome, get down, you idiot!

(CAR ALARMS BEEP, DOGS BARK)

That'll do, and then up.

You're not happy with that pos... I think it's fine.

Like, it's... Like, you can see it there.

Do you wanna go on to 28?

Ah, hi. I'm looking for Clown Car Theatre Company.

I'm guessing you're it. Yeah.

OK, so I hate to be the bearer of bad news, ladies,

but I am here to...

Yeah?

Oh, sorry, do you mind not calling us ladies?

Oh, sure. Beg your pardon.

Um, hate to be the bearer of bad news, clowns,

but I'm here to shut you down.

That's gender discrimination. Mmm.

Technically what we've got going on here is breach of copyright.

And hey, you can talk to me directly.

Patch doesn't speak.

That's her truth, and she likes to stay in it.

Do you think maybe we could lose the noses?

It's a bit hard to talk to you with... (HONKS) ..going on.

Great. What about if you just did another play?

Come on, there's heaps of plays.

You could do The Odd Couple. That's a fun one.

Or something by Shakespeare. He's got a million of 'em.

Miracle Worker. You'd be great in that, Patch.

Oh, here we go.

Yeah, yeah, we want to be the first women ever to perform this play.

Come on, don't make me issue an injunction.

That is a lot of paperwork.

Yeah, but we're on a mission to smash the patriarchy.

Well, then you're gonna need a lawyer. Have you got a lawyer?

No.

Yeah. I kinda got that one already, Gwen, thanks.

You know what?

I'm on board with smashing the patriarchy,

especially in this instance.

So I'm gonna give you some free legal advice,

help you put on your little play without getting sued.

I said, "I'm gonna give you some free legal advice...

Oh, we're... No, we're listening. Yeah, that means we're listening.

We're listening. Got it.

I will need assurance that no-one finds out this was my idea.

Agreed. It's simple.

Don't change the gender of the characters.

Don't change the text, don't change the title.

Perform it as Death of Man. Dress up as men.

Pretend to be men.

Like a reverse Footy Show type thing.

Exactly. I think.

Point is, you still get to be the first women ever

to perform the play.

We're whispering.

And we completely subvert the paradigm in the third act.

Yes!

I'm not familiar with the third act,

'cause I can't get past the first page, but whoo!

Let's subvert the paradigm in it, that'd be great,

and let's smash the patriarchy and let's eat the rich and...girl power!

Clown power!

Anyway, noses on.

Back to it.

Better not be coming in here to sit on my couch.

No, I was actually coming in to talk about Roz leaving.

Oh, come on Fisk. I don't want to talk about that. It's still too raw.

Yeah, I actually wanted to ask about what's happening with her office?

Might make it into a shrine.

Oh, come on. Really? I'm joking, Fisk.

Gallows humour. I'm really gonna miss her.

Yeah, me too. Seriously, though, about her office.

Can I have it? I'll think about it.

OK. Hey, I'm off to see Death of Man tonight with Nikolai. Any interest?

Zero.

I thought we shut that down.

We shut down Death of Woman. Death of Man, however...

You don't want to be late, Fisk. No, it doesn't start till seven.

But if you want... Off you go, mate.

OK, well if you wanted a ticket, I think there's still plenty.

I'm sure there are. Yep.

Mareena!

You're back.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Oh, am I being boring again?

I'm sorry. I'm just totes emosh.

I nearly died yesterday. (GASPS)

Oh, my God, what happened?

Somebody shot up the beverage bar downstairs.

George is a victim too.

Look what happened to his beautiful chair.

Oh, my God, are you OK?

My gaming chair exploded.

Shit.

You were right, Helen. Everyone should make a will.

Oh, hey, that hasn't changed. You still can't make a video will.

I know. I just wanna tell my story.

Let everyone know that you could die at any minute,

and everyone should make a will, even though it's really boring.

Hey, right on.

Everyone should know that life is precious, and so's your stuff.

Yes, that is what I tell people.

Stuff is precious. Exactly.

I want to tag you guys.

Is Grubbers on Insta? Yes.

Grubbers is on Insta.

We are @grubandass.

Is that right, George? @grubandass?

Yep. Gotcha.

Yeah, there we are. There's Roz. OK.

Hey, I don't want to overstep,

but I've actually had an idea for a hashtag for you.

Oh. Breakfast soup.

Is that even a thing? Not yet.

But I know soup, I know breakfast, and I know breakfast soup.

Nikolai! Got you a flyer.

Wonderful.

So explain what's happening here?

Well, as I understand it, the play is going to be performed as written,

just two men, on a bench, talking rubbish.

I beg your pardon?

Just two men, on a bench,

having an existential crisis about being men.

But they're women.

Well, they have assured me we're gonna see two men up there.

That's the power of theatre, I guess.

Now,, should I expect it to be funny ha-ha, or more dinner party funny?

You know... (SOFT CHUCKLE)

When done authentically, by men... Mmm.

..it's a laugh riot.

But also, intensely provocative.

I'm sorry, how do they intend to tackle the defining moment

of truth in the third act?

Yes.

I am really looking forward to that.

It's a nude scene.

Is it? (CLOCK CHIMES)

My suit, it feels like chains.

Perhaps it is the weight of society's expectation that you feel.

Methinks you speak the truth, sir.

Mm, is it true and quite funny...

Shh. Not funny.

Shh. Last night, I had a dream.

I see no escape.

The world, it bears down upon us.

Is that annoying? Shh.

Quiet, my friend.

I'll stop.

Let us sit again.

In silence.

What's that?

A leaf, Pinto.

(LAUGHS) Just a leaf!

Is that the funny bit? Usually, yeah.

I'm nervous. I don't know what is happening.

Are you sure you want to do this, Testavium?

I am, Pinto.

I want to reject society and all its restrictions.

Death to man.

Ohh. Oh, no. Ohh.

Ohh.

I am reborn!

My rage, Pinto.

My rage is gone. Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

Keep going. Just keep going.

Behold!

The tree! It is bare!

It is done.

BOTH: Death...of...man.

Blackout.

I don't think anyone noticed.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Well, I loved it.

I want to stab myself in the face.

Ah, here we go.

So, what'd we think?

I will be proceeding with legal action.

What? Oh, no. Come on.

Hold on, you said if we dressed like men, then he couldn't stop us.

You...suggested this farce? I never said that.

What? No. Shut up, Patch. Why are you even talking?

Get back in your truth. You don't speak, remember?

You told a lie.

A damn odious lie, upon my soul.

A lie, a wicked lie.

Oh, hey, that's from Othello. Oh, shut up Gwen.

Stop showing off 'cause you know the quotes.

And as for you... Oh! Oh, now we're not talking?

Great, you're back in your truth.

Well, I could have used you there 30 seconds ago,

before you dropped me in it.

To be fair, you did tell us that's how we'd get around

the copyright issues.

Yeah, and to be fair, do you remember what else I said

about not saying it was my idea?

Yep. Yeah.

I remember that now.

I think not, my liege.

Come on, mate, we can sort this out.

Yeah, come on, mate.

Mine eyes will never unsee the blasphemies I saw last night.

Nor can I ever forgive the treachery.

OK, so I'm not great at the quotes.

Do we think that means he's coming back, or...?

Of course he's not coming back.

He said 'treachery'.

What if we look at it this way?

With Roz, leaving we're gonna be one lawyer down,

so maybe it's a good thing to streamline our client base.

Oh, so you did us a favour by losing our most prestigious client?

Yeah? No.

No. Helen, our Instagram is blowing up.

We're getting a ton of messages

from people who want to get their wills done.

How many? 30 so far.

Shit!

Yeah, it's KweenMarren's willennial post.

What's that?

It's a post telling millennials to come in here

and get their wills done.

It's on Insta. Insta. That's a good one, Helen.

Is it not called Insta?

It is Insta, it's just funny when you say it.

Oh, right.

So, anyway, looks like I lost one client,

but I gained 30, so hashtag "Well done, Helen.

"You really turned things around."

That's a bit long for a hashtag. Is it?

That's some serious lolly, Fisk. Nice work.

Thank you.

Is it nice enough to maybe get Roz's office when she leaves?

Well, if you can convert even half of those enquiries into clients,

that office is yours.

Excellent. And what about couch privileges?

No, mate. Stay off my couch.

OK, well, don't even care,

'cause there's a nice couch in my new office, and I will sit on that.

Do I have couch privileges?

'Course. All the time.

Oh, God.

Raymond?

Yes, Rozalind?

I've been thinking about my mediation business.

Is there any reason why I couldn't operate out of my existing office?

No, none at all. We could share the space.

Gruber & Associates and Conch Mediation Services.

It's a match made in heaven.

And that way, I could stay on as office manager

for both companies.

Yes, please, Rozalind.

That was hot. Is that hot?

Yeah. Do you need a bandaid?

I do need a bandaid. Or an ointment?

I'd love an ointment, if there's an ointment there.

I mean, really, Ray, what is all this?

It's a cry for help, Rozzie. Mm.

Morning. Exciting day.

If anyone needs me, I will be in my new office.

Who's gonna tell Fisk?

I'll do it.

I'll break it to her gently.

Helen, I've got a lovely breakfast soup here for you.

Oh, thank you, Roz.

How lovely.

I wouldn't mind a coffee, as well,

if you're getting things.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation