Original subtitles

(DISTANT EXPLOSIONS)

I can't breathe.

(CONVERSING IN VIETNAMESE)

I can't breathe.

(MEN VOCALIZING)

* We're the members of the police force

* Bluest men in blue

* We're the rookies on the police force

* Who have a job to do

* Giving service and protection

* Overcoming fear

* Each a dedicated policeman

* To this great land so dear

* Twenty years to go Twenty years to go

* Grab the pension, boys and go, go, go

* Pension's mighty fine Won't be lacking mine

* But I guess you never know

* We are officers and brothers

* Every race and creed

* And we stand beside each other

* In every cause and deed

* Though we're called the nation's finest

* Guardians of all

* Those they try to hunt and find us

* But always we stand tall

* Twenty years to go Twenty years to go

* Grab the pension, boys and go, go, go

* Pension's really neat Keeps you off the street

* When you've got no place to go

* Butter up the chief Never cause a beef

* Think about the pension Ho, ho, ho

* Light the man's cigar Drink up at the bar

* Nothing else they'll have to know

* Want to beat the rap Take the lousy crap

* Keep your noses clean and blow, blow, blow

* Never shed a tear Have another beer

* What else have you got to show? *

MAN ON PA: There'll be a meeting today of all officers assigned to

Special Investigative Division under Commander Thomas.

See Officer Nooney for exact time.

MAN: Hell of a life collecting drunks all morning.

All right, have a seat. Have a seat.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Roll call.

Lyles. Here.

Bloomguard.

Greetings and hallucinations, Sergeant Yanov.

10-D-31.

Goodman. Here.

Wolensky. Here.

10-D-32. Van Moot.

Here.

Sartino.

Here.

10-D-22.

Whalen. Yo.

Slate. Present.

10-D-1.

Brown. Yes, sir.

Kingsley. Here.

10-D-13.

Motts. Here.

Tanaguchi.

Tanaguchi? You here?

He went to a Bela Lugosi Film Festival last night, Sarge.

He won't answer to his name anymore.

I suppose you'd call that a spooked gook, huh?

(LAUGHTER)

(SHUSHING)

Count Dracula.

(IMITATING DRACULA) Well, don't be afraid. Come right through the door.

(ALL LAUGHING)

10-D-74.

Rules. Yeah.

Proust.

Proust.

Proust?

Oh, everything's Code-4 here, sir.

(LAUGHTER)

10-D-85.

Sergeant Green. Here.

10-L-30. Sergeant Knight.

Here.

10-L-20.

Uh, I've been ordered to tell you that the Captain is uptight

about the wino with the pocket full of dog crap

they found sleeping in the Lieutenant's car last night.

(ALL LAUGHING)

They suspect one of you guys put him there.

Ah, Jesus Christ! Why me? Why me all the time, huh?

Well, whoever it was, you'd better knock it off, okay?

(MEN CHUCKLING)

Who's working the desk tonight? Anybody know?

Oh, uh, Hadley.

Yeah, well, I wish they'd put one of the Hadleys on day watch

so this lineup wouldn't get screwed up.

Is it Policeman Hadley or Policewoman Hadley?

No Balls.

(LAUGHTER)

Huh?

We call them Balls Hadley and No Balls Hadley.

It's No Balls Hadley.

Oh, yeah.

Hardass!

You finished reading the crimes, Yanov?

Yes, Lieutenant.

All right, I got a few things to say.

You can all quit griping about how long you have to wait in night court.

I've talked it over with the Captain

and he's talked it over with the Commander,

and he talked it over with the Deputy Chief.

SPERMWHALE: And he talked it over with Dear Abbey

who's really running this fuckin' department.

(ALL LAUGHING)

For your information, Whalen,

the Captain happens to be right behind you men.

SPERMWHALE: Yes, sir, I know that, sir.

I felt him there many times.

I think the Captain was pretty good to you, Whalen,

considering your last fitness report.

Thirty pounds overweight.

Couldn't get your hands down to your knees.

You got tits like a woman.

Five days suspension was very lenient.

I know that, Lieutenant.

I also know shit rolls downhill.

But why are we always living in a valley?

You're coming up for your pension pretty soon, aren't you, Whalen?

Seven, eight months, is it?

Six.

Let me make you a promise, Whalen.

Even if you don't screw up,

even if you play it straight,

you can count on me.

I'll help you fuck it up so you never get your pension.

YANOV: Okay, I'm having a choir practice

at my apartment tonight after work and you're all invited.

(ALL CHEERING)

Let's go get 'em.

How'd you like to use that on some scrote tonight, partner?

On what?

Some scrote. Scrote. Scrotum.

Oh.

Scrote. I decided it's a better word than "asshole."

That's what they are out there, ain't it, Dean?

Ignorant, filthy, shit-filled scrotes.

There you are, a man's philosophy expressed in a word.

Hear, hear, Roscoe.

What an insufferable creep.

Ah, come on, let's go.

Lieutenant "Hardass" Grimsley.

You know, if you pulled a condom over his ears

you'd know exactly what he is.

Come on, you got six months to go till your pension.

Don't let him steal it from you.

How far do you let 'em push, damn it?

Where's the limit?

Hey, Roscoe.

You know, the only thing I like about you?

You just don't hate brothers, you hate everybody, man.

You got it, Uncle Remus.

Don't you boys get into any trouble now.

You be careful of the dark streets tonight, turkey.

GRIMSLEY ON RADIO: Remember, you guys, one car moves, all the cars move.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORNS HONKING) (ALL ARGUING)

All right, all right, all right.

You stay right there.

Hold it, I said.

SLATE: Move back.

Well, he's behind me. I can't help it.

It's not my fault, it's his.

(INDISTINCT)

Move forward!

We got to get to west.

Come on!

Assholes, back off!

Watch your language.

Will you shut up! Just pull the car forward, you dummy!

Hey, creep. You...

(ALL SHOUTING)

Cut it out!

Pull this car forward. Pull the car...

Will you pull the car forward, Rules?

You guys are all gonna get suspended!

(HORNS HONKING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah.

Hey, Sarge. Sarge.

Sarge, it's for you.

Hey, Lyles! Hey, hey!

Okay, Dean, it's up to you.

What do you mean, Sarge? What do you mean?

I said it's up to you.

Who?

Sarge, it's your landlady.

Yeah, well, ask her what she wants.

What do you mean, "Dean's done it again"?

What's it all about, Baxter?

What's it all about?

That's what we're all trying to figure out, Dean.

Come on, let's go beddy-bye.

I don't wanna go beddy-bye.

Nighty-night.

She said if you don't make those people put on their bathing suits,

she's going to call the cops!

Oh, yeah? Well, you tell her there's no cops left to call.

There's no cops left.

There's no cops left.

I want to go back to the front room.

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHING)

Ah, come on back, No Balls.

Hey, you and me might be partners sometime.

I hear you're a real cop.

A regular Dickless Tracy.

Kiss my ass!

Oh, I'd love to.

(LAUGHING)

Come on.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Whoo!

Hey, Cheech, you still got the hots for No Balls?

Oh.

I love her, Spencer.

I really love her.

(EXHALES)

I am not going to stay in that pool

while those pea-brained chest-beaters are fooling around.

You know that Spermwhale tried to pull my drawers down.

Sperm was drunk.

So he grabbed your ass. Big deal.

We're all police officers.

Spermwhale's just...

Look, I drove you here, I'll drive you home.

Just let me go to the can and tell Nick Yanov that we're leaving

and I'll get your clothes.

Well, hurry up, huh? Yeah, yeah.

...says you talk to your wife while you're having sex.

Is it only by telephone?

I think it's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Spencer, what did you do with Father Cheech?

(LAUGHING)

* Don't say a word

* Don't say anything

* Let's pick it up and make it, make it

* I love it, baby

* Make it, make it, make it

* I love it, baby

* Don't say a word

* Don't say anything

* Let's pick it up and make it, make it

* I love it, baby

* Make it, make it, make it

(KISSING LOUDLY)

God love ya!

(SCREAMS)

Oh! You disgust...

You crazy! I'm gonna kill you, you...

(YELLS) Oh! Crazy deviate.

Leave me alone!

(NO BALLS SCREAMING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

You don't know what he did to me! I wanna kill him!

Let me at him! I'm gonna kill him!

I'm gonna kill him!

Deanie. Come on, Deanie.

Hey, Dean. Dean, we got a birthday present for you.

Go at it, boy.

Hey, No Balls!

No, don't! Come on, please!

(YELLS)

Get out of here, you animal!

ROSCOE: So this guy decides he ain't gonna sign his traffic ticket.

And he starts telling me he ain't going to the slam.

So in about two seconds he's wearing my sap in his hair.

And I knee-dropped him. And if you do it just right, you know,

you can just punch right through the scrote's vital organs.

Just puncture his kidneys and rupture his spleen.

Just bam, like that, you know?

DISPATCHER ON RADIO: Delta 18...

Then I made him do the chicken.

You what?

It's a choke hold. You know?

When you choke 'em out and they pass out and convulsions,

flop around on the ground making funny noises.

(CHUCKLING)

(DISPATCHER CONTINUES TALKING ON RADIO)

It was funny as hell to see.

He went... (IMITATING CHOKING)

DISPATCHER: 10-Delta-85, 10-Delta-85.

Possible jumper, Wilshire and Brewer. Handle Code 3.

Uh, 10-Delta-85. Roger.

Come on, Dean. That's no way to roger a call like that

when an operator's got a voice like that, man.

She sounded like a fox.

I'll show you how to do this.

(DRAWLING) 10-Delta, D for dynamite, 85.

That's a roger on the call, baby.

That'll make her wet up her little black pants, won't it?

That guy on 10-D-85, he sounds like an insufferable prick.

(ALL SHOUTING)

It was all my fault.

I should never have let Miss Monroe in the office,

but she said she had to come back to get some things.

Yeah, yeah. We're going to go up there and try to talk her down.

So you tell the Sergeant that when he gets here. You got it?

I got it. Come on, Dean, Jesus.

Take your hat off.

They think you look better with your hat off.

It's in the manual.

Oh, hi, baby.

Hey, you're kinda foxy lookin', ain't ya?

Say, why don't you come on inside...

DEAN: Hey, wait a minute, miss. Hold it.

Hey, wait. Wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Now wait. Wait a minute.

Roscoe, let's back off and wait for the Sergeant, okay?

We're not going to back off nothin'.

She's a ding-a-ling. And I know how to handle ding-a-lings.

Now come on, baby.

I mean, nothing's that bad, is it?

Why don't you just come on back inside here

and we can jaw about it a little bit.

WOMAN: Oh! Missy!

Now don't go any closer.

MAN: She's really going to do it.

Now stay. Now stay. Okay?

Stay.

Roscoe, let's go back inside and give this lady a chance to think, okay?

Listen, damn it! I'm going to handle this my way.

And I'm going to show you something.

You want to see something?

Well, you got your audience here, haven't you?

I guess that's what you've come for, huh?

I mean, if you don't give a shit about your life,

we don't either, you know.

We got better things to do than stand around up here and baby your ass all night.

I mean, why don't you? If you want to, just go ahead, bitch! Jump!

(SCREAMING)

(WOMEN SOBBING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Sorry, Sarge.

We didn't get a chance to talk to her. She...

She jumped before we got to the roof.

I just wish we'd been there a little sooner, that's all.

WOMAN 1: Side of coleslaw.

WOMAN 2: Two burgers, a tuna on wheat toast. Up together.

MAN: Hey, lady, I got 45 minutes for lunch, not 45 years.

Gee, I hope my suitcase is safe over there.

Huh?

My suitcase.

I just got in from Philly and I don't know anybody in this town.

I got a room at the motel but it won't be available until 9:00.

I hope my bags are safe over there by the door.

Oh, yeah, they'll be plenty safe.

Sure.

No one would dare steal anything with a big policeman here.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, it's very funny.

I was in Philadelphia when I was in the army.

Really?

Yeah. You want a piece of pie?

Sure, why not?

Uh, miss?

This is a dumb idea.

Yeah, well, you don't have to be in on it. This is personal.

Uh-uh. I'm with you.

All I know, it's either him or me.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, duck down, duck down. Don't let him see you.

Keep his attention buried and don't look this way.

(INAUDIBLE)

He thinks he's in love. That dummy.

All things come to he who waits.

(SLATE LAUGHS)

Hey, hold it, hold it, hold it.

We got plenty of time.

(PANTING AND MOANING)

(FAKE MOANING)

Let's go.

Oh, baby, you don't seem like a Negro!

You seem like a Samoan! (MOANING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I hope she gives the signal nice and loud.

(MOANING) Oh, honey.

Oh, you got balls like an elephant

and a wang like an ox!

That's it.

(FANNY SCREAMS)

No, no, don't shoot. Don't shoot, don't shoot, don't...

What are you doing here?

Lieutenant Grimsley!

We had a call a woman was being assaulted in here, sir.

(BANGING ON WALL)

We had no idea. MAN: Keep it quiet in there.

How humiliating!

Shh! Keep your voice down.

Uh, sir, there's some dew on the lily.

Maybe you should wash up.

No.

Look, fellas, why don't I meet you down at Pepe's Diner, huh?

I'd like to buy you a couple of hamburgers

and talk to you for a few minutes.

Sure, sure, we'll meet you,

but I was wondering, Lieutenant,

do we gotta keep calling you "Lieutenant"?

What's in a name?

SPERMWHALE: That's what I always say,

Hardass.

(LAUGHING)

(HUMMING)

(BIRD SCREECHING) (YELLING)

Here's another one to cheer up your evening.

A gentleman kidnapped a woman at gunpoint up on La Cienega.

He stuck his automatic down his waistband while he made her blow him.

And right in the middle of the head job,

she reaches up and pulls the trigger.

Shot his balls off.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What happened to you?

I was attacked in the locker room.

By who?

A duck.

(LAUGHING)

(QUACKING)

YANOV: All right. Listen up.

The... (CLEARS THROAT)

The Captain says that the night watch hasn't been doing very well

with the whistle selling campaign.

(ALL GROAN)

Now, you men know that the whistle selling campaign is very important and...

Hey, uh, Lieutenant, excuse me.

Is it true the station buys those whistles for seven cents?

Uh, I'm not sure.

And we sell them for 50 cents to poor old ladies

who think they can stop crime by blowing whistles at bad guys

until their faces look like rotten strawberries.

(ALL LAUGHING)

The profits go to the Youth Services Fund.

That's a hell of a scam, 43 cents profit.

Who was the eunuch that thought that up?

I was the eunuch that thought that up.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, that's a great idea. Uh, I gotta hand it to you, sir.

Let's hear it for the Lieutenant.

(ALL CHEERING)

I was...

I thought maybe the troops could get cut in on some of the action.

That's not possible, Whalen.

Oh, now look, seriously, sir. I...

I have an idea for selling whistles to every broad in the city.

(LAUGHTER)

All right! Knock this bullshit off!

Dismissed.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(STAMMERING) Oh, pardon me, I just came by

to tell Miss Farrell how much I enjoyed her act.

Her dancing.

Her performance?

Excuse me, Officers.

I sure have heard a lot about you.

Hi. You must be Spermwhale.

I'm Foxy.

Yes, you are. You certainly are.

SLATE: Who was the guy?

Oh, you supplement your income with him, huh?

Oh, Baxter, you're such a prude.

He's such a prude.

I keep telling him he's a prude.

Yeah, that's why I love him.

When did I ever charge you, Baxter?

Spermwhale, will you do me a favor?

I'll be right out. Will you wait in the car?

Well, only if I have to.

Bye-bye, Spermwhale.

Oh.

Bye, Foxy.

Baxter, come on, Baxter.

Cut it out.

Don't be so upset. That guy's just a club customer.

He comes backstage just to touch the merchandise,

to see if it's real.

I wouldn't do anything to him if he wanted to.

I only fooled around with him a little bit.

I wouldn't be sweet to him like I...

You are disgusting, do you know that?

You have no honor and no dignity.

I know that and you know that.

I wouldn't go down on that old fat cat.

Come on.

Come on, Baxter.

Come here.

Come on, baby.

Come here.

Come on.

Come on, baby, he doesn't have

the equipment or the imagination, not to turn me on.

You do. You got it all.

I turn you on, huh?

Easy, baby, you're all wound up.

Why don't you light a joint?

I'm on duty with that guy, for God's sake.

He'd pick it up in five seconds.

Okay, if you don't want to smoke grass,

why don't you take a couple of downers. Okay, baby?

Relax, honey.

Where are they?

In the ice tray over there.

Ah, it's going to be good tonight.

I'm really in the mood.

(EXCLAIMS PAINFULLY)

(CHUCKLING)

You liked it, Baxter.

Don't you mark me up!

Don't you ever mark me up!

How long have you been seeing Foxy?

Too long.

None of my business, kid, but I'd shine her on if I was you.

She ain't exactly your type.

What's my type?

Booze and reds don't mix, son.

Now I've seen you take them both at once.

That's not what scares me.

What really scares me, Spermwhale,

is that in those Jesuit boarding schools

where good old mom left me most of my life,

I was taught that there's an absolute good

and an absolute evil and...

You didn't hear a single damn thing I said, did you?

You can't wait to get out, can you?

I got it all mapped out.

Did I ever show you a picture?

Knock it off about that boat, for God's sake.

Hey, it's not a boat, it's a Monterey trawler.

Huh?

Looks fine.

Ah, she's got 20 years on her.

The hull's sound and she's got a brand new diesel.

I'm buying in half.

We go for salmon in summer.

You ever fished for salmon?

No.

Damn beautiful.

You know what, kid? I think we can all use some choir practice.

FRANCIS: Roscoe passed out!

This is the most fantastic thing I have ever done.

Look at this. (SHUSHING)

Come here, look at this.

I took some bread...

He took some bread.

...and I sprinkled it here.

And he sprinkled it here.

From the water... From the water.

...to Roscoe's crotch.

To Roscoe's crotch.

I unzipped his pants...

You unzipped his pants.

...and I stuffed some crumbs in there.

(ALL LAUGHING)

CAROLINA: Boy, that old duck's really working out on old Roscoe.

Roscoe was never one to duck a fuck, but to fuck a duck?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, Roscoe, you eunuch.

Wake up and look at your crotch.

Hey, don't throw things. You might hurt the duck.

Yeah.

Ain't that something? He can't get his pecker out of Roscoe's shorts.

They don't have peckers, they have bills.

ALL: Oh!

(DUCK QUACKING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

SPERMWHALE: Roscoe, quit picking on the duck.

Goddamn! He's lost his pants.

(INDISTINCT)

Don't you put them on me.

(LAUGHING)

Don't you put them on me. By God, I'll kill you!

Don't kill me, Roscoe. I'm your pal.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Let's go back and leave him alone for a while, all right?

Damn you!

Come on, will you? Let's go.

Let me off of here.

I'll kill every one of you.

I'll cut your fat heart out, I swear to God.

Be right with you, Roscoe.

I swear to God I'll kill ya.

Now you let me loose, Whalen.

Get back here!

I'll kill ya!

I'll kill every one of ya!

You got a cute little butt, Roscoe.

I want to see what do you mean Dean. Alone.

(CHUCKLING)

SPENCER: Why?

(MIMICKING CHUGGING)

Maybe after Dean,

I might think about a little

choo-choo.

(MIMICKING TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

But first, I want Dean.

(GROANING)

Oh, shit!

(LAUGHING)

What do you mean?

I'm talking that Ora Lee wants you to go over there and stir a bunch, boy,

that's what I'm talking about.

All right, all right, come on, get out of there.

All right, all right, come on.

Out of the way, out of the way. All right.

Listen, Dean. Dean, Dean.

All right, give me a beer.

Hey, sausage face.

Dean. Dean. Listen, Dean.

Hey, listen, kid, huh?

It's me. Dada.

Dada!

(LAUGHTER)

Dada!

It's Spermwhale.

You know me, don't you?

Ah, it may wake him up.

Now look.

Beer, beer.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Beer, beer.

Beer, beer. No, no, no, no, no. No.

First you listen, then beer, beer.

What the hell is that?

My God.

A naked person.

What the hell is this?

Are you real?

Is it my imagination?

Naked, in the dark, my God!

In the dark, in the park.

Who in the hell are you?

Luther Quigley.

But I'll be anyone you want me to be.

Now listen, there's some drunks over there by that water fountain.

You go get one of them right now, you hear?

Oh, who needs anybody else.

Don't you know that three's a crowd?

I'm chained to this damn tree.

You damn fool!

I can't believe it.

A naked man chained to a tree. It's... (LAUGHS)

It's a crazy, mad, salacious fantasy!

I'll kill you if you touch me, you fag son of a bitch!

My, my.

Oh!

You're not real anyway.

I'm getting faint.

(BARKING)

I'll knee drop you.

I'll rip your damn kidneys, I'll puncture your spleen.

You'd do that for me?

Whalen! Whalen!

What's all the racket? What is he yelling about?

SPERMWHALE: We forgot Roscoe. Roscoe! We're coming!

Whalen!

Amelia, come. Come, Amelia.

Whalen!

Come, sweetheart. Come!

MAN: He sounds dangerous. He's cracking up!

Whalen! Whalen!

SPERMWHALE: Hey, what the hell's going on?

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

SPENCER: Yeah, that damn Dean had us preoccupied, Roscoe.

CALVIN: Hey, how's your wrists?

ROSCOE: Oh, they're all right.

Okay, boy?

Roscoe, now let's talk.

No, no.

Let's talk a minute there, Roscoe.

There was this little faggot

who came along and made a fool out of me.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(DUCKS QUACKING LOUDLY)

SPERMWHALE: Roscoe. Come on, Roscoe.

Get the gun! Get the gun!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Hey, come on. Somebody is bound to call the cops.

Let's get out of here.

SPERMWHALE: Come on, let's go.

Come on, come on!

You don't look big enough to fight, fuck, or run a footrace.

You one of the new kids on the block, huh?

I'm one of the patrol officers on loan to vice.

Are you a policeman?

I'm a Sergeant. I run the night watch.

The name's Dom Scuzzi.

You Lyles, Bloomguard or Slate?

Harold Bloomguard, Sergeant.

I said call me Scuz. Ah.

There's no formality in this squad. Sit down, please.

(SIGHS)

You know, I've seen you around, Skus, but...

Ah. Scuz as scusa me.

Scuz.

Uh, well, I've seen you around, but I always thought that you were...

A janitor? I don't mind. I don't mind.

My pop was a janitor.

Put nine kids through school pushing a broom.

These are clear glass.

Sure.

They make you look even less like a cop.

If that's possible.

Harold, you're gonna operate whores.

Oh, I don't know much about whores, Scuz.

Nothing to worry about.

All you gotta do is make them offer sex for money.

You got that? Sex for money.

You in the service?

Marines. Good.

The broads overseas got it made.

Sucky fucky, five bucks.

Our girls have a thing called entrapment.

They want to say sucky fucky and have you say the price.

Or they want to say the price and have you say sucky fucky.

You get that?

I think so.

It's just a word game.

You got to figure a way to make them say the whole thing.

Those black-robed pussies in the courtroom have agreed to that at least.

So make it nice and legal.

Uh, sucky fucky, five bucks.

Yeah, that's it.

I knew you were a smart kid.

(LAUGHING)

Thank you.

Oh. Hiya.

Oh, hi.

These are the other two guys from my section.

Shit. You two look like young, clean-cut, healthy cops.

Why don't you look sick and puny like this one?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is the Sergeant.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Call me Scuz.

Uh, this is Lyles and Slate, Scuz.

Welcome.

Sam Lyles. How are you?

And I'm Slate. Oh.

Glad to have you for a couple of weeks.

Here's your coffee, Scuz. Without cream.

Fellas, when the regular vice cops come in,

pay attention to what they say.

Another thing, remember,

a vice pinch is a misdemeanor.

I don't want to see you getting yourselves hurt.

I swear to God, you get yourselves hurt, I bust you out.

Another thing, if you go sneakin' and peekin'

and prowling around the alleys,

pay particular attention to the cacca.

(LAUGHING)

You got that?

Hey, Scuz.

Scuz.

Uh, what happens if I get a parking ticket?

SLATE: We're set, Scuz.

We got two complaints that some fruits are hanging around

hitting on guys when they come in.

Now, you guys are charged with protecting the public morals, right?

SLATE: Right, Scuz.

Now I'm gonna leave you guys

and you wait for a vice cop named Pete Zoony

to come and babysit you.

Maybe 10 or 15 minutes.

Meantime, I'll take Harold and see if he can operate some whores for us.

You guys get bored,

try amusing yourself betting quarters

whether the next guy in the john is helmet or anteater.

What does that mean?

Circumcised or uncircumcised.

May the force be with you.

Well, they're probably holding that shoplifter

back here in the security office,

so why don't you go and take the report?

I'm gonna go take a leak, okay?

Well, go on.

Okay.

(WHISPERING) It's Roscoe!

What's he doing here?

Oh, isn't he cute?

(BOTH SNICKERING)

I can't believe this shit.

I'm Pete Zoony.

Don't bother with the bets. I'm Jewish.

* I've got a crush on you

* Sweetie pie

(HUMMING)

(CHUCKLING)

Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

Oh, I hope not.

(SINGING SOFTLY)

I suppose you think you've got a lot of guts, don't ya?

Why, whatever do you mean, Officer?

Oh!

You come in here and talk to me

like I'm some kind of damn civilian or something.

I don't care what you are.

You're only so cute is what you really are.

Don't you talk to a police officer like that.

Well, you don't have to get angry

just because someone pays you a compliment.

Why, you insolent faggot!

You wouldn't poke fun at a cripple, would you?

Mmm? You sissy bastard!

Oh, you're so cute when you get mad.

Oh. Oh, you blue meanie.

Roscoe, don't!

(GRUNTING) How do you like that?

Bubble butt!

Roscoe! No!

Take it easy, Roscoe! Take it easy!

ROSCOE: Let go of me! LYLES: He's a vice cop.

You cocksucker!

Me a cocksucker? Me a cocksucker!

You a cocksucker!

Fucking asshole!

What the hell are you guys doing here?

We're staking the joint out! He's a vice cop!

I'll stick a nightstick up your ass, you stupid fink!

Get off of me!

Goddamn, Roscoe, control yourself!

Let go of me!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Hi. Hey.

Hey, now you stay right here.

Right here?

Yes, you stay right there. Wait right there.

Don't move. I'll be right back. Don't move.

Okay.

I mean, how in the hell was I supposed to know, anyway?

If you ask me, a little joke like that ain't too funny.

I mean, I could have choked you out

and made you do the chicken, anyway.

I think you got off sort of easy.

Anyway, there's no hard feelings, huh?

No, no, Rules, there's no hard feelings.

Listen, Rules, I'd just like to think

that I could play a little catch up.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Hey, you waited, huh?

Well, greetings and constipation, ladies.

Which one of us do you want?

(HAROLD SIGHS)

It's in venereal to me.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

How about both?

Oh, my name's Sabrina.

And I'm Tammy.

Well, my name's Gustav Leekly.

And I'm a certified public accountant.

Nobody asked you what you did.

Why'd you say that?

Well, I...

Listen, what am I going to get from you girls?

What are you going to get?

(LAUGHING)

Whoo-hoo!

Oh!

Come on, honey, let's get going. We gotta get going.

You follow us in your car.

Okay. Just a minute. I just wanted to...

Is this... Well, you know, the cost?

Oh, come on, honey.

We're going to talk about the M-O-N-E-Y when we get there.

Now you just follow us, huh?

Look it, we don't have all this time

to stand around here listening to you

whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Hey!

Now you just follow us. Okay.

Come on. All right.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(HONKS)

TAMMY: Come on, babe, let's take him to the same place.

SABRINA: Well, here we go.

TAMMY: Yeah. You gonna be all right?

Is he coming? Yeah, here he is.

Oh, there he is.

TAMMY: He's coming right along.

SABRINA: Honey, this is a weirdie. Isn't he weird?

That man is strange.

Come on. Come on.

(HORN HONKS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm telling you, he's gonna be something, baby.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

You know... Yes?

This is an amazing coincidence,

because your car is red and mine is red.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah, I tell you. I wonder if we could start talking about the finances.

Oh, well, come on, come on. Get in.

We will talk in a minute.

Sit in the middle here.

Oh, don't worry about the baby.

It is fine. Just slide right over.

(OVERLAPPING TALKING)

That's fine. Come on!

HAROLD: Hey, whoa, whoa!

Okay. SABRINA: Here we go!

Whoo-hoo! TAMMY: Ow!

Sorry. You nearly broke my wrist.

I'm not trying to do anything.

Okay. Okay, honey, okay!

Now, come on, let's get it on.

Get it on!

(IMITATING HAROLD) Get it on!

(ALL LAUGHING) I tell you.

Okay, okay, tell me. Okay, tell me.

What do you want? What do you want?

Well, I'll tell you what I want. Yeah?

I wonder if it would be possible if we could just sort of put the top up.

You want to put the top up?

Yeah, up.

Okay. We will put the top up for the man.

Good. It's a fancy little bugger, isn't it?

Yeah. Top coming up?

Yeah, it's getting up.

Getting up? Oh, stop it! You stop it!

Oh, the top is coming up.

Getting up. Oh, you're a devil. Okay.

SABRINA: Anything to please the man.

(STAMMERING) Is this your car?

Uh, baby, my daddy gave me this.

Oh, your daddy. That's nice.

What line of work is your father in?

Oh, baby, stop!

(LAUGHING)

You don't mean that? How long have you...

Oh! The top is up!

Seven months. Seven months.

The top is up.

The top is up, baby.

Just for you, baby.

Okay, now, let's figure out... What am I gonna get?

Well...

Sweetie, in this business we have a requirement.

The man has to say what he wants.

Now this is a legal thing.

Well, I'll tell you. I'm looking for excitement.

Excitement, baby? You got it!

You want me to draw you a diaphragm?

A diaphragm!

Hey, baby, you don't have to draw me a diaphragm.

Hey, now let's take care of business here.

Hey, now wait a minute. Come on now!

Here, come on, baby. Let's take care of business.

Hey, wait, wait. No, no, no, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What do you think you're doin'?

What the hell am I supposed to be doin'?

Well, I just... We haven't discussed business yet.

SABRINA: Business?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, okay, okay.

Now, let me tell you what we can do for you.

Uh, we can French you.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) French?

We can ball you. French, oh, that's...

We can do anything for you you want us to do.

As long as it's not weird.

And for 50 bucks.

Baby, that is cheap. That is cheap.

Sucky fucky, five bucks. Thank you.

Sucky fucky what?

All right, here we go.

Step outside please. Get outside.

Just get outside the automobile. Here we go.

Come on, just get outside. You wait in the car.

Get out of the automobile. Come on.

Stand over there. Okay.

Now, I gotcha. I got your purses, I got your keys,

and you're not going anywhere except with me.

What? All right? You are under arrest.

What do you mean we're under arrest?

What do you mean we're under arrest?

I am a police officer.

You're a what?

I'll show you in a second.

There it is. All right. There you go.

Metropolitan Police Department.

What?

And Harold Bloomguard.

Oh!

Goddamn!

Oh! Shit! Shit!

Goddamn!

Oh, goddamn!

Okay. You're under arrest. I just wanted you to know.

SABRINA: Goddamn! Did you hear that?

Police!

Leave it to the police department to hire a cockroach like you!

Cockroach. Very nice.

Huh. I happen to be a special undercover officer for the Vice Department

and I busted you.

Oh, shit!

Come on, get outside and get in my car, please.

All right, now I'm sorry about this.

Shit! I'm sorry, but it's my job.

Sorry about your baby, young lady,

but it's my duty as a police officer, you understand?

Let's go. Get in my car please. Shit! Goddamn.

Rape!

Rape!

Rape! Rape!

BOTH: Rape! Rape! Rape!

Uh, now wait, ladies. Uh, come back.

This isn't going well. You're resisting arrest.

Rape! Come on, baby, run!

Goddamn!

Rape!

Ladies, I've got my gun out and I mean it.

Rape!

Come on!

Rape! Rape!

Ten radio calls going on you.

People see a madman stealing purses and chasing two women

with his dong hanging out!

(MOUTHING)

(CHUCKLES)

You two! First night on vice and look at yous!

Swacked! Suckin' up bourbon, huh?

I was drinking scotch, Scuz.

Shut up, Lyles!

Uh, I'm going to tell you three turkeys somethin'.

You better pay attention because I'm gonna supervise you personal.

Make sure you stay alive your time here.

Slate! Slate!

You and Lyles, you better control your boozin'.

You hear that?

Yes, Sergeant.

Don't call me Sergeant!

Ah, another thing I'd like to know.

How'd that Pete Zoony get that knot on his head?

Huh?

Lot of fucking mysteries going on around here.

I ought to kick ass! There's a lot of vice sergeants in this town

that'd pat you on the butt and write you, "Atta boy!"

for bringing down those whores.

(WHISTLING)

(SINGING SOFTLY)

(SINGING LOUDER)

(WATER RUNNING)

(MUFFLED SINGING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(CONTINUES SINGING)

(GARGLING LOUDLY)

(SPITS)

(SIGHS)

Kimmy.

Kimberly.

You awake, honey?

Sure, Sam.

I'm always awake at 5:00 in the morning.

Sure.

Kimmy.

You feel something?

Mmm-hmm.

It'll keep you awake.

Only if you stick it in my eye.

SPERMWHALE: All right, let's see what these jokers want.

Yeah, you wanted to see me, Lieutenant?

Ah, yes, Whalen. (CLEARS THROAT)

Knuckles Garrity.

Who took this down?

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Captain Drobeck said we can't hang this in the station

alongside the pictures of the other officers killed in the line of duty.

Why not? Why the hell not?

Well, Captain Drobeck...

Look, Officer Garrity killed himself, for God's sake!

Knuckles Garrity taught me that all a good cop needs is common sense,

a sense of humor and a little compassion.

Now he was a cop for 32 years

and he finally lost his sense of humor.

That means he died as a direct result of his police duties,

and that gelding of a Captain ought to be proud to hang his picture

on the wall in this station.

I'm saving your ass on this one, Whalen.

That could be five days off your pay.

FINQUE: I'm sorry, Whalen, the Captain...

I got a little job that will take about an hour,

then you take off. Go to Dodger Stadium, badge your way in.

The Reds are playin'. You're on your own.

Hey, Scuz, you believe this kid?

He's a fruit.

He propositioned me in the park.

We can close the complaint now.

Well, maybe you can help him stop crying.

(SOBBING)

Hey, kid...

What's his name, Pete?

Uh, Blaney. Alexander Blaney.

I almost had to take him to Juvenile.

He's only 18 years old.

Kid... Alexander.

Try to stop crying, okay? You want somethin'?

You wanna call your mother?

Make him call his mom.

Take those irons off, too.

Look, the lady calls herself Ms. Summers.

Just moved into Terrace Towers.

A snitch says she does two, three tricks a night.

Her services are very special.

Supposedly has a chamber of horrors.

Thumb screws, bands, saws.

Usually, her customers settle for a plain spanking with the whip.

She supposedly gets up to a grand a trick.

$1,000 a trick?

That's two or three grand a night.

Nothing. Roscoe Rules'd take the job for free.

PETE: Hey, Officer...

Come here, Pete.

I'll see you guys.

Okay.

SCUZ: Sit down, kid.

(SOBBING)

Hey, you want an ice cream bar?

Pete, get the kid an ice cream bar.

Jesus, Scuz!

I'm not a friggin' baby sitter.

He's a kid, Pete.

Get me one, too. The kind with the nuts.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, what about me? Am I supposed to be on a diet?

Kid, how long have you had this problem?

I've... I've known three years that I'm gay.

I don't know why I'm gay, I just am.

My... My mother and father can't understand that.

But to be arrested...

I've never been...

Look, kid,

I'm not an expert in this field,

but I kinda think you should get some advice.

If I let you go, you promise not to go back?

Yes, sir.

Get out of here.

You know, this hooker reminds me of somebody I know.

LYLES: Oh! I hope your friend's sex life is less exotic.

Well, they're all sisters at heart.

It's a drag sitting here like this.

Maybe it's a phony complaint.

Why don't we call it off, huh? Why don't we split?

(ENGINE STARTS)

(SIREN WAILING)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Shit, man! Knock his teeth out!

MAN: Come on, man. Break his fucking face! What's wrong with you?

Kill that son of a bitch!

(ALL SHOUTING)

You made me bleed, motherfucker. You're gonna pay.

'Cause I'm gonna kick your ass. You understand?

Anytime, man, anytime.

Ah, shut up, shut up!

Now who started all of this?

Her and her daughter are the ones that do that!

You're animals, that's what they are.

Go back to Mexico, bitch!

I was born here, nigger.

Go back to Africa!

(SCREAMING)

All right, all right, all right.

Let's break this up.

Come here a minute, will ya?

I think this nigger is the troublemaker,

so what do you want to do?

Well, I think we can quiet 'em down.

I don't believe they want to fight.

So, let me take the Mexican-American.

All right, all right.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Come here a minute, would you?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What are you going to do about this woman?

What are you talking about?

It's them over there. They're the problem.

Take a walk, will you?

What's your name?

Look, man, all I want to do

is go inside and be with my family, you understand?

I mean, I'm tired of being hassled.

I work too hard to be pushed around.

Don't you be telling me what you want to do.

I'll tell you what you're gonna do and when you're gonna do it.

How'd you like to start by taking a little trip

down to the slam right now, huh?

For what? I mean, I ain't did a damn thing.

I mean, what right do you have, you and your friend...

I'll take you down there personally

and book your ass and set your damn hair on fire

and throw you in a fag tank.

How'd you like to start like that, huh?

Roscoe... What?

Let me just take care of this man, all right?

You think about it.

What's your name?

Talk to you here for a second.

You know, if that little loudmouth bitch was my old lady,

I'd just haul the little cholo hooker back in there and settle all this.

Why are you doing this, man?

Twenty years ago, I hit some dude in the head with a beer bottle,

just for smiling at my woman.

Yeah, well, you're not leading

the old White Fence Gang anymore, are you?

So why don't you just shake hands with this nigger and we can get out of here?

Shake hands? I ain't shaking no hands.

I'll tell you what to do, greaseball.

Now what do you think you are here,

middleweight champ of the garbage dump or something?

(CHUCKLES)

I never let a man talk to me like this.

Never in my life.

You better book me now or you better let me go or...

Yeah, you just keep talkin'.

I'm gonna rip that oily little old moustache right off your face.

Go ahead, try it.

(RIPPING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CHEERING AND SHOUTING)

Dirty honky motherfuckers!

(ALL CHEERING)

Gringo greaseball.

(SCREAMING)

(SIREN WAILING)

No! No!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

MAN 1: Vamos! Vamonos!

MAN 2: Quick, man, get inside.

Come on.

WOMAN: They're coming in the back way.

(GROANING)

POLICEMAN: All right, check for any back doors. You guys cover the front.

DEAN: Roscoe.

Roscoe.

Did you make him do the chicken?

(GROANING)

(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

May I have your attention, please?

I'd like to thank the band very much.

They were in their usual good form.

And now, gentlemen, or rather I should say, ladies and gentlemen,

I give you Deputy Chief Riggs.

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

Thank you, Captain.

Ladies and gentlemen, Officers,

I hope you appreciate that you work one hell of a division.

I'm speaking specifically in terms of Officer...

(COUGHING) Excuse me.

What's his name?

It's on the citation, sir.

What did you say?

It's on the citation, sir.

Oh. Thank you.

Excuse me.

I am speaking specifically of Officer Roscoe Rules.

Officer, forward and center.

SPERMWHALE: Can you believe this shit?

Roscoe Rules handed out towels at Auschwitz.

Who said that? Who said that in there?

I think it was one of the coloreds. I could tell by the voice.

Mmm.

What is this, the-bigot-of-the-month club?

(APPLAUSE)

Officer Rules,

you have won the Department's monthly exemplary service citation.

Before I give this to him,

I'm going to say something to you people.

If he were out there on the streets

and got into a fight with a suspect,

he wouldn't let his head get kicked in. No.

He ought to be arrested on a 794.

What's that?

Dispensing bullshit without a license.

This is an officer that wants to do something about this town.

Thank you, sir.

He ought to be a meter maid in a pay toilet.

Before you people hit the streets,

there is something you should hear that just came over the news.

The murderer of Officer Nate Crenshaw

has just been acquitted by a jury.

Huh? (CHUCKLES SCORNFULLY)

The jury chose to believe the dope dealer

when he said he thought the undercover man was a bandit

and he shot in self-defense.

Huh? Now that is the world we live in!

What this country needs is a little old-fashioned, hard-fisted government. Huh?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Chief, for a most inspiring speech.

All right, men, let's go to work. Dismissed.

MAN: Congratulations, Chief.

(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

Congratulations, Chief.

You've just succeeded in turning 85 even-tempered men

into seething brutal vengeance.

Thank you, son.

God damn it, Calvin, those frigging teeth hurt.

I can't help it. I ain't bitin' you, am I?

Well, he's your partner.

I ain't got no control over him.

He's a maniac. Everybody knows that.

You know, it really gets depressing

having that goddamn Francis draped around your neck

all the time. Mmm-hmm.

(YELLING)

God damn you, Francis!

MAN: If he doesn't lay off, I'm going to go after him.

Hey, Francis, go back in your hole. It's still daylight.

If you think he's bad now, wait'll he gets...

No, don't do it, Francis. Don't do it, Francis.

(GROWLING)

I'll stuff those goofy teeth up your skinny ass if you don't knock it off.

MAN: All right!

I shall.

(MEN LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING FAKE LATIN)

(MAN WHOOPING) (ALL LAUGHING)

(SHOUTING)

(CONTINUES IN FAKE LATIN)

(MEN LAUGHING LOUDLY)

MAN: Now he's really dead.

What do you say, could you use another

little choir practice tomorrow night?

Oh, boy.

After Roscoe's shootout with the ducks,

we should stop choir practice.

Oh, nobody got hurt. But I had a little talk with Roscoe.

You're kiddin'?

No, I told him. No more guns at choir practice.

I'm not going to have people shooting at ducks.

What did he say?

He said, "How about shooting at fags?"

(LAUGHING)

Oh.

Swing by that Terrace Towers.

Terrace Towers? Yeah.

LYLES: Hey, hey, the light's on.

Let's wait for a couple of minutes.

Hey, come on, Sam, we're not working vice anymore.

I know. Don't you think I know?

HAROLD: She just walked by the window.

LYLES: Yeah.

Hey, Sam, wait a minute.

I think she's got something around her neck.

It looks like a belt or a whip or something.

No kiddin'!

She must have a trick up there.

I'll be damned. It is true.

She's whipping him, Sam.

Come on, let's go. Yeah.

You had to come here, didn't you?

Didn't you, baby?

Maybe we can bust this chick.

You want to come here and be with me?

You wanna be with me, baby?

Huh? You want it?

Come on.

Do you want it?

Oh, yeah, you want it.

You want me to play you some music?

(RACY MUSIC PLAYING)

You want it? Tell me that you want it, baby.

Ow!

What are we going to do if she doesn't answer the door?

We don't even have a warrant.

Please.

It's a customer, baby. I'll be right back.

Be right back, baby. Be right back.

Who is it?

The assistant manager, Miss Summers.

There's a gas leak on this floor.

We're evacuating the building.

Don't move.

You stay here with my partner.

I'll have a little talk with your friend over here, huh?

Baxter!

Oh, my God!

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SLATE SOBBING)

(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)

What's going on?

Oh, don't look at me!

Is everything all right in there, Sam?

Harold.

Yeah, it's... It's okay, Harold.

It's okay.

I thought we didn't work vice anymore, Sam.

Baxter, why you?

I don't know. God!

Do you think I know why?

Sam, I can't move.

Will you help me get out of this thing?

Oh, Baxter, I'm sorry.

Jesus!

What did you let her do that to you for?

I'll... Well, I'll...

I'll kill that hooker. But she's a friend of yours then.

She's home free this time. What are you doing?

She's not my hooker.

You paid her, didn't you?

No.

Lady, everybody gets treated the same.

You get one dime, one call.

You wanna call your lawyer, fine.

If you wanna call your mother, it's okay with me.

Could you...

Could you meet me someplace?

After you get off duty.

You know, any place, just...

Just let me talk to you.

Baxter,

what do you want from me, huh?

I just wanted...

I don't want anything from you.

Let's go, Harold.

Well, what about the call?

We made a mistake. God damn it, let's go!

You get your rocks off doing this, don't you, you bastards?

If you had a little peace and quiet in your own neighborhood,

you wouldn't come around here!

Scum!

You low, scum-sucking freak!

You groove on pain, huh? I'll teach you about pain.

If I ever find out you're doing this again,

I'll come back and break your fuckin' legs!

Can you dig it?

You move out of this town. Fast!

MAN 1: Hey, Tom? MAN 2: Yeah.

What time you got?

I got two minutes after 4:00.

Hey, cool it.

Baxter Slate is dead.

They just found him in his apartment.

He...

He shot himself.

Um...

(STAMMERING) I'd like to see the death report on that.

I can't go into Homicide cases.

I'd like to see the death report, please, Yanov.

No.

You don't want to see it, Sam.

Excuse me.

(SOBBING)

Johnson, O'Brien, 10-D-19.

Landlady heard the shot.

Where'd you hear that?

A detective with West LA is a friend of mine.

What did he say?

Nothing.

Next of kin is his mother.

She's in Hawaii or someplace

with her 22-year-old boyfriend.

Jesus.

Oh, shit!

(HORN HONKING)

I knew things could get worse.

(WHISTLES) Ha! You're all under arrest.

Oh, just couldn't go back to the station

without stopping by to tell you all something.

Tell us what, Roscoe?

Well, I ran into this Homicide dick down at Central that you know.

You know what he told me?

(CHUCKLING)

Um, he told me that when they posted

Baxter Slate's body down there at the coroner's office...

You remember your partner, don't you?

He said he had whip marks all over the back of him.

(LAUGHING)

Whip marks!

Whip marks!

He was some kind of a damn pervert!

(YELLING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

What did you do, kill him, you motherfucker?

Sam, cool it.

Roscoe is an asshole, but he didn't kill Baxter.

All right, Lyles, come on, you...

Shut up! Roscoe!

Now if you don't collect your mind and relax, I'm gonna relax ya!

Come on!

You'd better let go of me, Dean.

Fuck you!

Sam, let's talk.

I've got nothing to talk about.

I think we have to.

God damn you, Harold.

I want to help.

Help?

Leave me alone.

FRANCIS: Come on, partner.

CHEECH: I can't even get drunk.

CHEECH: Spencer didn't have any trouble.

All right, watch his head.

(ALL GRUNTING)

We'll just set fire to him and forget about it, huh?

No, no, leave the door open.

He needs all the air he can get.

Roscoe, cool it with the hard stuff.

Standing there in uniform in case you didn't know.

And that funny little wagon over there is a police...

(GROANS)

Harold?

Is that you?

Is that you, padre?

Who is it?

What's...

What's going on?

(MUMBLING)

Go to sleep.

Give me a vodka.

I'd like to know where all this pussy is that's going to show up.

You want somethin'? Yes, it's there.

Let's start getting some of this shit back in the car.

Come on, grease, you pick that up.

Roscoe sure is a charmer, isn't he?

That's what you gotta put up with when the booze is free.

Oh, that's great. We got two of them in there now.

Look at 'em, spilling all this.

Put that in there.

Get back before they spill all the rest of it.

(MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(EXPLOSION)

Aah!

Oh, my God, I can't breathe!

Harold!

Help me.

Let me talk to you.

Baxter!

Baxter!

Help!

God! Oh, God, help me!

(GRUNTING)

ROSCOE: Guess what we got now?

Damn scrote Lyles asleep back there with Spencer in the van.

We're gonna have two of 'em to wash up now.

Did you close the door to the wagon?

Oh, no, I just left it wide open.

Sam doesn't like to be closed in.

LYLES: Somebody help me, please.

Baxter!

Oh, my God!

(LAUGHING)

He shot a park faggot.

It's okay, it's okay.

What happened?

...three, four, five.

Wait a minute. I'm just gonna...

Is it okay?

Come on, boy.

One, two, three, four, five.

Oh, you guys are doing a hell of a job there.

FRANCIS: One, two... Shut up!

...four, five.

Spermwhale. Spermwhale.

You're wasting your time.

What the hell are we going to do now?

All right, I'm going to take Sam back to the station.

And I'm going to tell them that just he and I were alone in the park, you know.

We stopped by after watch to have a couple of beers.

And I guess we had one too many.

We got drunk and he fell over,

and when he fell he broke his glasses.

Yeah, what about the gun?

He dropped his gun when he fell, right?

And as he picked it up, this kid was walking by,

some park fairy,

and he accidentally pulled the trigger and he blew the kid away.

What about the glass and the blood in the truck?

Uh, we'll take care of that.

Wait a minute. The gun was fired five times though.

That's right. So I'm going to replace

four of the shells from Sam's piece

with live rounds from my own.

It's no fuckin' good. It won't work.

But I'll tell you what will work. Sam and I were...

Spermwhale, you better take a look at Sam.

(LYLES GROANING)

I'll say I was here.

Don't be an asshole.

It was just Sam and me, and I saw Sam take his gun and...

Damn it, Spermwhale, you've got 20 years to protect.

You're as good as pissing your pension right down the sewer

if you open your mouth.

Francis is right. You can't get involved, Spermwhale.

HAROLD: It'll be okay if everybody just keeps their mouth shut.

And you let me handle it. All right?

Spermwhale?

Spencer, are you with us?

Let's get the hell out of here.

Come on, Sam. Let's beat it.

(LYLES WHIMPERING)

RIGGS: He did what? Now wait a minute. When?

Oh, go fuck yourself!

Lyles is in a psycho ward.

One of Treadwell's detectives sent him in. Can you...

Well, he ought to get 10 days suspension for that.

Ten days? I'll give him a fuckin' 30 days if I get my hands on him.

Some shrink at General Hospital says he's catatonic.

Won't let us talk to him!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

What about that, uh, Bloomguard?

He's still sticking to his story, sir.

Well, that stinks. It's fishy.

I tell you it's shit. There's a cover-up going on.

I won't let those bastards get away with it. I want their names.

GRIMSLEY: The IAD will get them, sir.

No IAD. No outside investigation.

You've told the Chief about this, haven't you?

I haven't told him a goddamn thing.

You out of your fuckin' mind?

What do you want me to say to him?

I can't handle the men in my own divisions.

They're out shooting up MacArthur Park at night.

He'd have my ass, for Christ's sake!

Shit.

You're going to have to tell him before the day is out.

I know, I know.

Sir, when I worked Fairfax,

Lyles and Bloomguard used to hang around with a bunch of creeps.

Including the one who shot himself.

And a fat slob by the name of Whalen.

I'd get Whalen in and sweat him.

RIGGS: I'm not going to try to fool an old veteran like you, Whalen.

I'm not going to try to fool you about anything.

That's good, Chief,

'cause I ain't got nothin' to say.

Do you expect us to believe that?

I don't give a fuck what you believe.

(LAUGHS) Ooh! Quite a record here.

A history of insubordination.

No wonder you've been on patrol for 20 years.

I like working patrol.

Did I just say 20 years?

I'm sorry.

Nineteen and a half. I forgot.

I mean, that close to your 20-year pension.

And now what do you get?

Nothing.

Listen, Chief... No, no.

No, you listen to me.

Now maybe Lyles wasted that faggot practicing his quick draw,

or maybe he was practicing shooting at beer bottles and the fruit happened by.

I don't know how it happened and I don't really care.

But what I do care about is the truth

and I'm gonna get it out of every man that was there

or I'm gonna push for an involuntary manslaughter against Lyles

and you're gonna have your ass on trial as accessory after the fact.

If you know so much, what are you fucking with me for.

Because I got you right by the balls, that's why.

I'm trying to help you out. Look, you're 53 years old.

You're an old, crude, fat man.

You're fired from here, where do you go?

You'll look for a job? Doing what?

You couldn't get a job cleaning out shithouses.

And not a dime of your pension after almost 20 years.

Not a dime! Ha!

Oh. Yeah, I forgot.

We found a very interesting fingerprint

on a bourbon bottle out there in the park.

Guess who?

Now I am willing to make a deal.

I want the whole story on this.

You give it to me and you're out, you're free.

You get your pension.

We wipe off the last six months you've got left to serve.

You want me to say I was there?

I know you were there! I want to know who was there with you.

What? Names! I want names!

Christ sakes...

Look, I want to nail these guys once and forever.

You can slip out of town. They won't know you did it.

You can go where the fuck you want.

No, God damn it, I can't.

You can't, huh?

Well, you don't, you'll find yourself in front of a trial board

and you're gonna have criminal prosecution!

Now I promise you that.

And you won't have one goddamn thing left

after 19 and a half years down the crapper!

I'll throw the fuckin' world at you.

Now you got five minutes to make up your mind.

Hi, Tommy, how's it going?

Not bad. How's the supplies holding out?

We're gonna need some stuff. I'll give you a list.

I could have used you out there today.

Engine's acting up.

Why don't I check with you later?

John, how are ya?

Hi, Spermwhale. Here's your mail.

Hiya, John, how are you doin'?

How's fishin'? Ah! Half a ton, maybe.

Not good, huh? No.

Well, there's this about fishing.

There's always hope the next time out it'll be better.

Uh-huh. See you now.

I'll see ya, John.

CALVIN: Dear Spermwhale,

who let you out of town before we had a chance to say some things.

The guys have had it here.

They're at the bottom of the pit. All except me.

It was the first time I was ever lucky in my life.

I was in night court.

So I'm the only guy that's not being penalized.

The rest are all pleading guilty to what the brass wants.

I'm working every day,

and because I am, the guys asked me to tell you

that they don't hold it against you.

You left without talking to us.

That was because you were ashamed to see us.

But don't be.

You did the only thing you could.

You beat the system.

We'd have all done the same thing.

There isn't any one of us regrets you did it.

Good luck. Good fishing. Calvin.

P.S. I cut this article out of the Times.

It's the story that Chief Riggs gave to the paper

about what happened that night.

And you got this from the Monterey newspaper?

Why'd you release that story?

You had the truth. You told a lie.

What did you want me to do?

Asshole, what did you expect him to release?

That eight drunken cops were accessories to a murder?

That's 10 years in prison.

What are you going to say about that, huh?

And what's he got them on?

Trumped-up charges.

They're getting six months suspensions.

That's a damn sight less than they deserve and you know it.

Bullshit six months.

Come on, Spermwhale, this man's got very important things to do.

Let's get out of here. Come on.

They showed you up an asshole, Riggs.

You can't take care of your own store.

And you'll crucify these guys when they get back.

Oh, you miserable prick!

You open this up, it's not too late,

I can still take your pension.

You lied to the press.

You lied to the public.

Oh, holy shit, Chief, he's right.

What did you expect me to do?

You lied to your superiors and the police commission.

You stone-walled it. Buried it!

Ah, hey, Chief.

He wants to take your fuckin' pension.

He wants to send you to jail and everything.

Withholding evidence.

Filing a false murder report.

Suspending officers on false charges.

Yeah, that's a criminal prosecution, Riggs.

I got his fuckin' pension.

Ah, you're bluffing. That calls for a murder charge.

They haven't got the guts!

Haven't they?

Read about it.

You dumb prick, we'll all go to jail!

You said it, Chief.

Well, we...

What do you want?

You wipe it off the books.

They've got to take some suspensions.

SPERMWHALE: No suspensions.

I can't. It'll look bad!

Fuck you looking bad. No bad time.

They go back on patrol tonight

and you stay off their asses.

You cocksucker!

Hey, not me, Chief. I'm not the one on my knees.

All right!

All of it?

Well, you got what you wanted, get out of here.

Son of a bitch!

Now you owe me a buck.

But you were bluffing. You friggin' fucked me!

You sons of bitches!

Well, that does it. You are off pension and you're fired!

Now that's it.

Oh, boy, I knew those bastards didn't have the guts.

Come on, you're full of shit.

You don't want to do that, Chief.

You really don't.

Signed depositions.

Seven of them.

I'll see you around, Chief.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Think the Chief needs a massage.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, no, no. Give me five.