Original subtitles

See the ace? I put it down.

See the ace? I put it down. Okay, there it is.

See the ace? I put it down.

Show me the ace. There's your dollar, huh?

See the ace? I put it down.

There's no way you can lose at this game.

See the ace? I put it down.

This is a Polish shell game.

See the ace? I put it down.

All you gotta do is find the red ball.

See the ace? I put it down.

José Feliciano, Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles have won.

See the ace? I put it down.

I couldn't make this game any easier if I pointed to it.

See the ace? I put it down.

Now, which one do you want? Aha.

See the ace? I put it down.

Ah, see? There's a dollar. You won.

See the ace? I put it down.

Now, how about you, Fong? You wanna get in on this?

See the ace? I put it down.

I'm here to give them away. I'm telling you, man.

See the ace? I put it down.

You can have it up to your eyebrows.

See the ace? I put it down.

You're gonna make money. I couldn't make this any easier.

See the ace? I put it down.

See the ace? I put it down.

Yo. Yo, man, what are you doing?

See the ace? I put it down.

You got a license for this stuff?

See the ace? I put it down.

License? Yeah.

See the ace? I put it down.

Leave him alone. There's room for everybody.

See the ace? I put it down.

Okay now, Fong, look here. Look here.

See the ace? I put it down.

Any of these games is gonna get you to Hong Kong, okay?

See the ace? I put it down.

Wait. See, this is our street. You're gonna have to move along.

See the ace? I put it down.

No, no, no, see. Like, this is America, see?

See the ace? I put it down.

Free enterprise.

See the ace? I put it down.

It's the supply side Reaganomics.

See the ace? I put it down.

No, man. Fuck Reaganomics. Get the fuck out of here.

See the ace? I put it down.

Oh, come on, man. This is my life's work.

See the ace? I put it down.

Is this your work here? Yeah, this is mine.

See the ace? I put it down.

Yeah, well, how about that? What the fuck is wrong with you?

See the ace? I put it down.

- Hey, hey. - Wait, wait. Stop. Stop!

See the ace? I put it down.

I'm trying to run a business here.

See the ace? I put it down.

Can't somebody screw somebody out of a buck

See the ace? I put it down.

without you both fighting? Who is this?

See the ace? I put it down.

All right, break it up! You're all under arrest.

See the ace? I put it down.

And it's strike three for you, fella.

See the ace? I put it down.

Hey, uh, hey, hey, hey. You get it, pal? Huh?

See the ace? I put it down.

Ugh. Forgive my man, sir.

See the ace? I put it down.

Hey, thanks for saving my ass.

See the ace? I put it down.

It's so cold, I had to do something to keep warm.

See the ace? I put it down.

Jake, I know where we can get a car.

See the ace? I put it down.

Let's get out of town.

See the ace? I put it down.

I need the invoice on the green station wagon.

See the ace? I put it down.

Hi. How you doing?

See the ace? I put it down.

Hello. Hello.

See the ace? I put it down.

We understand you have a couple cars that need to be driven.

See the ace? I put it down.

Yeah, I've got a Volkswagen and a Cadillac.

See the ace? I put it down.

Great, great, great. Where are they going?

See the ace? I put it down.

Volkswagen's going to Fargo, North Dakota,

See the ace? I put it down.

provided the blizzard lets up out there.

See the ace? I put it down.

No, that's not us. No.

See the ace? I put it down.

What about the Cadi? Palm Beach.

See the ace? I put it down.

Yeah. All right. You're getting one of these.

See the ace? I put it down.

Promised to one of my regular drivers.

See the ace? I put it down.

Oh. I'll handle this.

See the ace? I put it down.

You know,

See the ace? I put it down.

I bet that behind those glasses, you're a kook.

See the ace? I put it down.

Come on. Come over here for a second.

See the ace? I put it down.

Let me see-- Oh, honey.

See the ace? I put it down.

You are making me a nervous man.

See the ace? I put it down.

Wow, Ali MacGraw. Look. Definitely.

See the ace? I put it down.

And better behind these. Oh.

See the ace? I put it down.

These are your fish, aren't they?

See the ace? I put it down.

You got little pet names for them?

See the ace? I put it down.

Bet you do. Come on. Tell me.

See the ace? I put it down.

Tell me. Come on.

See the ace? I put it down.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

See the ace? I put it down.

Peabody. Peabody.

See the ace? I put it down.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

See Peabody here? See him?

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Now, I'm gonna eat every single one of these fish

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

unless we get that Cadi.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Attention, everyone.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Peabody is in sushi heaven.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

So are we going south or what?

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

You can have the Cadillac. Don't eat my fish, please.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Okay.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Whoa. Heat sinking bimbos at 3 o'clock.

Pootang time.

Whoa. Heat sinking bimbos at 3 o'clock.

¶ It's a fine time To fall in love with you ¶

¶ I ain't got A single thing...¶

It's getting hot.

¶ I ain't got A single thing...¶

I know, I love it. I was born to be hot.

¶ I ain't got A single thing...¶

Cold weather shrinks my dick.

¶ I ain't got A single thing...¶

¶ I knew what was going on ¶

¶ I ain't got A single thing...¶

Hey, let's stop and take a shower.

I got underarms from hell.

Hey, let's stop and take a shower.

¶ I was gone ¶

Hey, let's stop and take a shower.

¶ Stages keep on changing ¶

Hey, you guys, what are you doing?

¶ Stages keep on changing ¶

Are you guests here?

¶ Stages keep on changing ¶

Potential guests, yes.

My name's Jake. This is my friend, Barney.

Potential guests, yes.

Hi.

Potential guests, yes.

¶ Standing all alone ¶

Potential guests, yes.

¶ I couldn't even get you On the phone ¶

Potential guests, yes.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

You're in Georgia. Yeah.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

I told you. We're still in the South.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

Give me the 5.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

¶ Stay Or if you had to go ¶

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

¶ Stages keep on changing ¶

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

I had an uncle who was a waiter in Palm Beach,

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

and he told me people throw these fabulous parties.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

They get shrimp the size of a bull's balls,

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

and they, like, don't even eat them.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

They just, like, nibble a little bit.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

Aah, ha, ha!

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

Palm Beach. All the women here are beautiful.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

You know why? Because Florida looks like a dick.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

Look at the map. It looks like a big dick hanging out.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

This place is great.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

Let's see what the rich and filthy are doing.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

I'll bet they're having a party.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

They ain't got nothing else to do.

Excuse me, sir! What state are we in?

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

1636 Bayshore. We're here.

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

Park your car, sir?

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

Try not to scratch it.

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

Looks pretty heavy. Yeah.

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

Better go with the sunglasses.

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

I think so.

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hi. How you doing? Hi.

Duncan Dublin. Hi, Dunc.

Hi. How you doing? Hi.

How are you? Fine.

Hi. How you doing? Hi.

Duncan. Dunc, uh, whose party is this?

Hi. How you doing? Hi.

It's the Durdensmythe's party. They give it every year.

Hi. How you doing? Hi.

It's the anniversary of Ralph's death.

Hi. How you doing? Hi.

Ralph. Ralph.

Hi. How you doing? Hi.

Pardon us. Have a nice time.

Hi. How you doing? Hi.

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

Hi. Hello.

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

So nice to see you. How do you do?

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

You know, we knew Ralph, and he was one of the funniest

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

and brightest minds of his generation.

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

Without question. Yeah.

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

Well, where did you know Ralph?

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

New York. New York.

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

You knew our dog in New York?

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

Hello. Hi. Hello there.

Gentlemen, I'd like to discuss a business opportunity with you.

I make it a point not to discuss business at social functions.

Gentlemen, I'd like to discuss a business opportunity with you.

Okay, what about pussy?

Gentlemen, I'd like to discuss a business opportunity with you.

What? Hey, get a grip on yourself.

There's money here. We're not leaving without it, right?

What? Hey, get a grip on yourself.

Right.

What? Hey, get a grip on yourself.

I'll take the high road. I'm going low.

What? Hey, get a grip on yourself.

Ooh!

What? Hey, get a grip on yourself.

Hey, como esta usted?

Ah, Perry Como's dead?

Hey, como esta usted?

What's happening?

Damn.

Are these real?

Damn.

Did you get these for her? Yes.

Damn.

Goddamn. You love this bitch, huh?

Damn.

Mm.

Damn.

How much does something like that go for?

Damn.

I mean, just a ballpark figure.

Damn.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Navy.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Oh, yeah. You're like...

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

¶ Be all that you can be ¶

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

"It's not just a job" and all that shit, huh?

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Yeah. What's happening? This your son?

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

No. He's a-- That is my nephew.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Yeah. I didn't think he was your son.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

He looks Iranian to me.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

You know, my sister, Maria, she married this Iranian guy,

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

and they are hairy son of a bitches.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

You know what I mean? They got hair on their chest,

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

on their back, on their buns,

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

we're talking Winnie the Pooh.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

We're talking Chewbacca.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

You know, Star Wars? The guy that goes...

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Remember that?

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

And then Cornelia throws a drink

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

all over Kimberly's de la Renta.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Kimberly had a fit. They met up later at the disco.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

But that Coconut Grove gang, they can really party.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Yup. Sounds like a lot of fun. Well, you should have come.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Snookie, you got my phone call.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

What do you think about this business proposition?

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Half a million dollars in it for you.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Hold it, darling.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

You know I never deal in small amounts.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

I'll get some hors d'oeuvres.

Hey, you're in the Army, huh?

Hello.

Are you by any chance single?

Heh, yeah.

Are you by any chance single?

Heh. Oh.

Are you by any chance single?

You mean like not married single?

Are you by any chance single?

Never mind. I'm sorry, Forgive me.

Are you by any chance single?

No, no, no, that's okay.

Are you by any chance single?

That's okay because I am single.

Are you by any chance single?

I don't even know you. I mean...

Are you by any chance single?

Who are you? A friend of the Durdensmythe's?

Are you by any chance single?

Oh, yeah, and Ralph's.

Are you by any chance single?

Great dog. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you by any chance single?

Olivia. Howdy.

Are you by any chance single?

Great.

Are you by any chance single?

Are you by any chance single?

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Livy, doll! Where you been?

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ah. Hiya, honey, where you been?

Strobe, will you leave me alone?

Ah. Hiya, honey, where you been?

God, does that girl love me.

I'm telling you, man. This woman is it.

Well, why her? She's got a business deal

worth half a million dollars.

Shh. Oh, God.

There goes our car. You should've returned it.

It's a little overdue. A little overdue? Six weeks.

I thought it was like a library book.

The worst they do, send a note to your parents.

It's a Cadillac. What are we gonna do for transportation now?

Hi.

Hi. How you doing?

You need a lift or something? As a matter of fact, we do,

Hi. How you doing?

but we live far out of town.

Hi. How you doing?

Why don't we go over to my place?

Hi. How you doing?

Yeah, we'd love to.

Hi. How you doing?

Good. Climb on in.

Hi. How you doing?

Oh, man, my legs are killing me. Ah.

After a long drive,

Oh, man, my legs are killing me. Ah.

my underwear starts crawling up my ass.

Oh, man, my legs are killing me. Ah.

So I gather Daddy doesn't deliver pizza for a living.

Oh, man, my legs are killing me. Ah.

No. I own it.

Oh, man, my legs are killing me. Ah.

My Aunt Delores lives in a house like this in Beverly Hills.

Oh, man, my legs are killing me. Ah.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Oh, man, my legs are killing me. Ah.

So, what's with all the candles?

You real Catholic or something?

So, what's with all the candles?

Heh. Steady.

So, what's with all the candles?

So, what's with all the candles?

Shh. Shh, shh, shh. Easy. Easy.

So, what's with all the candles?

You're gonna wake the kids.

So, what's with all the candles?

Uh, are you married?

So, what's with all the candles?

No. But I hope to be.

So, what's with all the candles?

Here's your room.

Well, you two have a good time, huh?

Well, you two have a good time, huh?

Well, good night.

Well, you two have a good time, huh?

Okay. Fifth position.

Oh, great. Very good, guys.

Okay. Fifth position.

Hi there.

Okay. Fifth position.

Okay, first position. No, I mean first.

Okay, first position. No, I mean first.

Excuse me. I farted.

Okay, first position. No, I mean first.

Um, don't laugh.

Okay, first position. No, I mean first.

Second position.

Okay, first position. No, I mean first.

Okay, first position. No, I mean first.

Put your arms down. That's it. That's it.

That's it. Go on out and play.

Put your arms down. That's it. That's it.

Come on. I'll show you around.

You see, I need investors.

I need money. I need your money.

Hmm, yeah. Yeah.

Uh, Mr. Jake, I don't think you understand here.

You see, I have this school. Yeah.

And I need more teachers.

I need immediate, immediate funds.

Yeah. Right. See, I thought you were an heiress.

I am. The problem is I can't get my hands on it

unless I get married.

People marry for money all the time.

No, people do not always have to marry

one of these Palm Beach jerks.

My uncle, he's got to approve of my choice.

Now, the only person that he's going to approve of

is somebody that he thinks

is one of these so-called perfect gentlemen.

So, what's the problem?

The problem is that there is a certain developer

who's gonna turn this place into condos.

I have to get my hands on that money in 30 days.

He sounds like a swell guy.

I'd love to meet this prince.

Ah, here's your chance.

I forgive you for the other night.

Come on. I know how you get when you're having your period.

I forgive you for the other night.

But what is the big deal about this condominium?

I forgive you for the other night.

They mean nothing to me, baby, it's you that I want.

I can wait all, all day,

all night and all afternoon, honey, but--

Uh-oh, you've only got 30 days. Ciao, baby.

Could you use a couple extra hands

on this ranch, ma'am?

Could you use a couple extra hands

Oh, I sure could.

Let's go!

Oh, I sure could.

Oh, I sure could.

Oh, I sure could.

¶ You always say You like my style ¶

All right.

¶ You say I'm tough And kind of wild ¶

¶ Am I too much For you to take? ¶

¶ Am I too much For you to take? ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

Here it is. Chance Dancer in the second at Aqueduct.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Six and a half furlong. We're talking money here.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, okay, I got it.

I'll take a chance. All right.

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ No, this I won't deny ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ I'll give our love ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ I'll give it more Than a try ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

Whoops. Oh, oh.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Yeah. Can I tell you something?

Okay, okay, I got it.

I'm not interested. You are. You are. Don't--

Okay, okay, I got it.

Can I tell you something? What?

Okay, okay, I got it.

I'm having a great time.

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ I'll make you proud ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ I never made ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ Never made ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ This kind of vow ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

Put up your hands.

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ This is now ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

We don't put our hands on a Cobra wax job.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Hey, man, this is the largest Pinto they make, huh?

Okay, okay, I got it.

I'm up to your stupid little game.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Look, it was only a kid.

Okay, okay, I got it.

We have nothing to say Whitey. Whitey.

Okay, okay, I got it.

to each other. Let it go.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Troy, look.

These make great Frisbees.

Troy, look.

Troy, look.

Can I talk to you?

Can I talk to--? No.

I'm miserable.

I can't spend another evening that way.

I'm miserable.

I'm sunk.

I'm miserable.

Electricity's been off for a month,

I'm miserable.

they're gonna disconnect the phone.

I'm miserable.

It's okay.

I'm glad you feel this way. Marry me.

It's okay.

You'll get the money, we'll get divorced.

It's okay.

Come on.

It's okay.

It's okay.

You can't fool my uncle.

It's okay.

Jake, you can't pass as a gentleman.

It's okay.

You can't even pass the butter.

It's okay.

I'll mow him down.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Mm-- Mm-mm.

Uh-uh. No, ha, ha.

Mm-- Mm-mm.

No, heh.

Mm-- Mm-mm.

Jake, I think you're great,

but you gotta drop that line of thought.

Jake, I think you're great,

You understand.

Oh, yeah, I understand.

Ugh.

I just don't understand.

Ugh.

You're gonna give me a heart attack.

Ugh.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

I blew it. You blew who?

What's your problem? Help me out here.

No. The thing with Olivia. I blew it.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Oh.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Well, what did she say, man?

What's your problem? Help me out here.

She said I didn't have any class.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Well, she's right. You don't.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Listen to me, you mound hound.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

This is the first time in my life

What's your problem? Help me out here.

I'm serious about somebody.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Whoa.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

I think.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

You just stay right there and let old Uncle Barn

What's your problem? Help me out here.

give you a lifetime's worth of experience

What's your problem? Help me out here.

in chasing pussy.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

You know what your problem is?

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Your problem is you don't know how to talk to women.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Whoa. I'll take that back.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Your problem is you talk to women.

What's your problem? Help me out here.

You think Elvis ever had to say diddly squat to get laid?

What's your problem? Help me out here.

No. All he had to do was go...

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Ha!

What's your problem? Help me out here.

Huh. That's all.

You need help. You need professional help.

Huh. That's all.

And you need Hemily.

Huh. That's all.

Right, Hemily. What's Hemily?

Huh. That's all.

Hemily, the lady that teaches hetiquette.

Huh. That's all.

Oh, I see.

Huh. That's all.

You mean Emily Post?

Huh. That's all.

Yeah, you know, uh...

Huh. That's all.

She'll teach you what fork to use,

Huh. That's all.

the proper soup spoon.

Huh. That's all.

This bitch basically makes a living

Huh. That's all.

out of showing people how to put shit

Huh. That's all.

in and out of their mouth.

Huh. That's all.

Look, I'm gonna let my fingers do the walking for you.

Huh. That's all.

You need...

Huh. That's all.

You need to go to charm school.

Huh. That's all.

I'm not going to charm school.

Huh. That's all.

What? Uh-uh.

Huh. That's all.

You're not going to charm school?

Huh. That's all.

Fine.

Huh. That's all.

But I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

Huh. That's all.

In a couple of weeks, some rich schmuck

Huh. That's all.

is gonna be schtooping your girl.

Huh. That's all.

I got an idea. Charm school. I like it.

Great. And I'll tell you what. I'll go with you.

I got an idea. Charm school. I like it.

And you know, hey, I don't need no fucking manners.

I got an idea. Charm school. I like it.

I got an idea. Charm school. I like it.

Promise me you won't get married until you see me again.

You don't knock. No, not in a crisis.

Promise me you won't get married until you see me again.

Promise me.

Promise me you won't get married until you see me again.

Okay. Ah, great!

Okay. Ah, great!

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ For 40 days For only a spark ¶

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

Where is this place?

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ To light my way ¶

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

Chill out, man.

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

To see this place is to love this place, okay?

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ Through the cries ¶

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ And through the wars ¶

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ Oh, I still believe ¶

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

- Hey, I remember this. - Wait a minute.

¶ La, la, la ¶

This is... This is the jungle safari right at Disneyland.

¶ La, la, la ¶

And right up here, there's some hippopotamuses.

¶ La, la, la ¶

Watch, watch. Keep your eye open.

¶ La, la, la ¶

Oh, shit.

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ Out at sea ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ Hoping these waves Don't cover me ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ Through the rain ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ And through the tears ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ Through the crowds ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ And through the cheers ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ Oh, I still believe ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

Phelps?

No. I'm Humping the butler.

Phelps?

Who's fucking the maid?

Phelps?

If you don't stay clean,

Phelps?

the jungle will move in and take you over.

Phelps?

Yeah.

Phelps?

Over there.

- Did you notice? - He ain't got no chin.

What do you want?

Is this the Phelps Institute?

What do you want?

Perhaps. Why? Uh, we owe you any money?

What do you want?

Hey, wait a minute. This is the charm school, isn't it?

What do you want?

Who are you?

What do you want?

I'm Mr. Bateman. This is my associate, Mr. Benar.

What do you want?

He spoke to you on the phone.

What do you want?

Oh. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

What do you want?

Are you alone? Hey, hold on.

What do you want?

I'm not going in there.

What do you want?

Get in there.

What do you want?

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

who has been detained, and myself,

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

I'd like to welcome you,

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

students of the winter session

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

of the Phelps Institute of Etiquette.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

In the days to come,

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

we will learn that armed with etiquette,

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

we can take our social fancies

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

with cool heads

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

and confident hearts.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Now, I think at this time

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

it might be instructive

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

if we all introduced ourselves.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Who'd like to start? I would.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Mr. Um-- Ba-- Ba--

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Bateman. Bateman. I'm Jake Bateman.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

I just wanna say I'm here

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

because I have no one else that I can turn to.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

I feel like I share a common bond

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

with each and every one of you.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

With you, sir, with you. And you, sir.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

And, uh...

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Yeah, even you.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Okay. Heh-heh-heh.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

So I just want this to be a really up thing for all of us

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

and let's get started, okay?

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Hi, everybody.

My name is Eddie. Eddie Lipschultz.

Hi, everybody.

The only reason I came

Hi, everybody.

is because my mother's new boyfriend said

Hi, everybody.

I couldn't stay in her bedroom any more.

Hi, everybody.

I thought if I came to charm school,

Hi, everybody.

maybe there was a chance--

Hi, everybody.

I figured there might be a possibility--

Hi, everybody.

I figured that perhaps I may be able to--

Hi, everybody.

Get laid, huh?

Hi, everybody.

I thought so.

Hi, everybody.

Shitlips, my friend. we have saying in my country.

Hi, everybody.

Tiger that does not ram the goose,

Hi, everybody.

strokes the goat. Heh.

Hi, everybody.

This is America. We don't do no goat-stroking here,

Hi, everybody.

you sheet wearing faggot.

Hi, everybody.

This is not a sheet and I am not a faggot.

Hi, everybody.

My name is Roy Rajmataj.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, do you mind if we just call you Roy Raja?

Hi, everybody.

Hi, everybody.

You may call me Lion of Kashmir.

Hi, everybody.

And you may call me the boner of East L.A.

Hi, everybody.

My friend, you must learn to respect the Hindu people.

Hi, everybody.

Respect? I love them.

Hi, everybody.

Hindus? What's not to like?

Hi, everybody.

Gandhi, what a movie, huh?

Hi, everybody.

This man was macho.

Hi, everybody.

He defeated the British empire

Hi, everybody.

with like a million 7-Eleven workers.

Hi, everybody.

Uh, excuse me one sec-- It wasn't quite like that.

Hi, everybody.

Let's go to someone else.

Hi, everybody.

Uh...

Hi, everybody.

Yoo-hoo.

Hi, everybody.

Yoo-hoo.

Would you like to join us for a while?

Yoo-hoo.

My name's Shelley.

I've just spent 15 years in prison,

My name's Shelley.

and I feel it's important that I readjust to society.

My name's Shelley.

Oh, yeah? What were you in for?

They said I killed my parents

and my little brother Joey

They said I killed my parents

with an axe.

They said I killed my parents

That's really awful.

They said I killed my parents

You must have been innocent.

They said I killed my parents

Yeah.

They said I killed my parents

Maybe I was.

They said I killed my parents

Okay, that's it. Look. Listen.

They said I killed my parents

I'm not thrilled to be with you people

They said I killed my parents

in the first place, okay?

They said I killed my parents

I'm Officer White.

They said I killed my parents

I'm here because my precinct captain thought

They said I killed my parents

that four brutality convictions

They said I killed my parents

and three chokehold violations meant

They said I killed my parents

that I had an attitude problem.

They said I killed my parents

I do not have an attitude problem.

They said I killed my parents

Don't fuck with me.

They said I killed my parents

Personally,

I don't think you've ever been fucked...

Personally,

...with.

Personally,

Aah. Maybe my luck's about to change.

Personally,

Ugh. Easy, lady. Boy.

Personally,

What underarms.

Personally,

Yeah, my name is Barney Bonaire,

Personally,

and I'm here with Jake, see?

Personally,

Because, uh-- Well, like, we met this girl

Personally,

and he's trying to nail her--

Personally,

Uh, ahem. Uh-uh.

Personally,

What?

Personally,

But, I mean, he cares for her--

Sure he wants to fuck her, but he cares for her a--

But, I mean, he cares for her--

But, I mean, he cares for her--

Look, I'm just with him.

But, I mean, he cares for her--

But, I mean, he cares for her--

The Colonel has arrived, Madam.

But, I mean, he cares for her--

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce you to my husband, Colonel Phelps...

And, um...

I'm afraid I've had rather a bad day

at the track in Miami, my dear.

As a result of my little debt,

I agreed to enroll Mrs. Antonucci

and her unborn child--

Giuseppe. Uh, Giuseppe.

Into our little institute here to teach her--them--

the finer aspects of social intercourse.

No, no, no. Anybody teaches her

any kind of intercourse ends up in the trunk of a car.

You got it wrong, general.

I'm counting on you to do the right thing.

Otherwise, I'll redecorate this fucking dump

with your fingers. You got it?

I'll be back in a week. Give me a kiss, Clorinda.

Come on, plant it.

Perhaps you'll allow us to show you to your car,

Mr. Anto-- Thank you.

Remember what I said, okay?

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

- I Dream of Jeannie. - Howdy Doody's on.

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

In point of fact,

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

you are all the stars this evening.

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

Some of you may have noticed

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

that the colonel and I did not join you for dinner,

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

because Colonel Phelps had placed himself

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

in strategic positions and was videotaping

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

the entire episode.

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

Do you remember the first course?

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

At the end of this week,

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

you will not only know the meaning

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

of the word escargot,

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

but you will also know how to eat them.

Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

Hey, yo. Humping.

Yes, sir?

Hey, yo. Humping.

Hey, yo. Humping.

Is that delicious?

Hey, yo. Humping.

Hey, yo. Humping.

Heh. Ooh.

Hey, what's that?

It's a snail.

Hey, what's that?

Hey, what's that?

Argh. Argh. Argh. Aah. Argh.

I did give you quite a simple test

Argh. Argh. Argh. Aah. Argh.

during the soup course.

Argh. Argh. Argh. Aah. Argh.

I put a fly in each bowl.

Argh. Argh. Argh. Aah. Argh.

Hey, what's your problem?

No problem. Heh.

Hey, what's your problem?

Oh. Oh.

Huh, oh.

Hold it. Hold it. That's not another snail, is it?

No. It's a fly.

Hold it. Hold it. That's not another snail, is it?

Aah!

Hold it. Hold it. That's not another snail, is it?

There is a right way and a wrong way to eat fish.

Hold it. Hold it. That's not another snail, is it?

Wrong.

Your mama's a blowfish. You're gonna get it.

Wrong.

Now, didn't I tell you not to come around

Wrong.

my neighborhood no more.

Wrong.

Wrong.

I'll cut your balls off, man.

Wrong.

Do fish have balls?

Do fish have balls?

Hey!

Oh, would you like to disco? Of course.

Hey!

Okay, you just stand right there and go,

Hey!

¶ My girl wants to party All the time ¶

Hey!

¶ Party all the time Party all the time ¶

Hey!

¶ Party all the time Party all the time ¶

Hey!

¶ Party all the time ¶

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

I'd like to have a cigarette.

Hey!

Yeah, I bet you would.

Hey!

Lessons begin tomorrow.

Hey!

I want you to go upstairs.

Hey!

Lights out in five minutes and no more talking. Get.

Hey!

Unh, ah.

Are you okay? I really gotta go bad.

Unh, ah.

Well, just relax.

Unh, ah.

Try not to think about...

Unh, ah.

Niagara Falls. Ugh.

Unh, ah.

Ooh. Whoa.

Unh, ah.

I'll only be in there a couple of pages.

Unh, ah.

Excuse me, my friends.

Unh, ah.

Why are there two toilets in the bathroom?

Unh, ah.

It's a bidet, you asshole.

Unh, ah.

Whoa.

Unh, ah.

Jesus, somebody took a dump in the bidet.

Unh, ah.

Good night.

Unh, ah.

Page 38, Eddie.

You mustn't be intimidated by your cutlery.

The rule of thumb is to start from the outside

You mustn't be intimidated by your cutlery.

and work your way inwards. You see, it's very simple.

You mustn't be intimidated by your cutlery.

Unless your soup course is served after the fish course.

You mustn't be intimidated by your cutlery.

In which case, you have to place the fish fork

You mustn't be intimidated by your cutlery.

and the fish knife on the outside

You mustn't be intimidated by your cutlery.

and the soup spoon to the left of the fish knife,

You mustn't be intimidated by your cutlery.

and the salad fork to the right of the fish fork.

You mustn't be intimidated by your cutlery.

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

and you have decided to serve consommé

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

followed by shrimp and aspic and then truffled grouse.

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

It's only then that your wretched chef

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

comes to you and says he has changed the whole thing

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

to pâté, asparagus and lobster thermidor.

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

What are you going to do?

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

Slap him. Ready, steady, go.

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

Here, man. You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth.

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

Oh, ah. Ha-ha, ha.

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

Oh.

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

You see, the real connoisseur

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

not only knows the name of the grape and the year,

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

but also the region.

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

Why don't we start with you, Edward?

Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party,

Ah, this is an excellent white wine.

Skid Row area,

Ah, this is an excellent white wine.

5th and Main, Los Angeles.

Ah, this is an excellent white wine.

Ah, Saint Jude's Catholic communion wine.

Ah, this is an excellent white wine.

They sold this fucker way before its time.

Ah, this is an excellent white wine.

Jonestown.

Jonestown.

Jonestown.

This wine is free.

Uh, can we settle down now, please? Can we?

Can--? Just stop rocking.

Uh, can we settle down now, please? Can we?

Thank you.

Uh, can we settle down now, please? Can we?

Now, writing thank you notes, et cetera,

Uh, can we settle down now, please? Can we?

is a social skill that simply must be mastered.

Uh, can we settle down now, please? Can we?

Now, may I hear what you have written?

Uh, can we settle down now, please? Can we?

Uh, can we settle down now, please? Can we?

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. MacGregor Scott,

Uh, can we settle down now, please? Can we?

"congratulations on the wedding of your daughter Candy.

Uh, can we settle down now, please? Can we?

It must be a relief to have the bitch off your hands."

Uh, can we settle down now, please? Can we?

"Dear Laura, I was relieved to hear you only gave me the clap.

"Nowadays, it is refreshing to meet a girl

"Dear Laura, I was relieved to hear you only gave me the clap.

with curable diseases."

"Dear Laura, I was relieved to hear you only gave me the clap.

"I'm sorry about your husband's tragic death.

"I hope it doesn't affect the size

"I'm sorry about your husband's tragic death.

of your firm and humongous breasts."

"I'm sorry about your husband's tragic death.

Jake, having fun yet?

Ha-ha-ha. I don't know about this place.

Jake, having fun yet?

I don't think we stand a chance in here.

Jake, having fun yet?

Oh, will you stop complaining?

Jake, having fun yet?

Look, these people are gonna hand Olivia over to you

Jake, having fun yet?

on a silver platter. I don't know.

Jake, having fun yet?

There's something real weird about that colonel.

Jake, having fun yet?

You mean he's not a real colonel?

Jake, having fun yet?

Jake, having fun yet?

Oop.

Ha! Ah!

Hyah!

Ha! Ah!

Oh, I'm popping a boner.

Oh, I'm popping a boner.

Aah! Shit.

Ugh, goddamn it. Aah!

Aah! Shit.

Aah! You're choking, you're choking me!

Aah! Shit.

Olé!

Aah! Shit.

Olé. Olé.

Olé. Olé.

Humping. Come on.

Olé, olé. Come on.

Humping. Come on.

Ooh.

Ooh, yeah!

Goya. The Third of May.

Honest, man, I didn't know that was your sister.

Goya. The Third of May.

Please don't be disrespectful.

Goya. The Third of May.

Goya. The Third of May.

Raphael.

Pope Leo X with his nephews.

Raphael.

- Hey, relax, Uncle Leo. - We got this at Popes R Us.

Raphael.

Raphael.

Raphael.

That's San Sebastian.

Polish archery lessons.

That's San Sebastian.

That's San Sebastian.

Argh. Pfft.

Don't pull your stitches too tight, Edward.

Wow, this bike's great, man.

I think I saw it on Hogan's Heroes.

Wow, this bike's great, man.

Sieg Heil.

Wow, this bike's great, man.

Hey Jake, you hit a dog back there. Do you realize that?

You got shit all over the fender.

Hey Jake, you hit a dog back there. Do you realize that?

- Damn. - We gotta be insured.

Hey Jake, you hit a dog back there. Do you realize that?

My legs are asleep. Ay.

Hey Jake, you hit a dog back there. Do you realize that?

Hey Jake, you hit a dog back there. Do you realize that?

We're gonna stick to this colonel. He knows something.

How's the hernia?

We're gonna stick to this colonel. He knows something.

We're gonna stick to this colonel. He knows something.

Well, well, well, well.

We're gonna stick to this colonel. He knows something.

I was wondering when you boys

We're gonna stick to this colonel. He knows something.

were gonna come out of the bush.

We're gonna stick to this colonel. He knows something.

How about a little champagne?

We're gonna stick to this colonel. He knows something.

Barman, champagne please. Three glasses.

We're gonna stick to this colonel. He knows something.

Nope. No way.

We're gonna stick to this colonel. He knows something.

Yes.

Followed me, eh?

Yes.

Couldn't help yourselves, eh?

Yes.

Hmm. I like that.

Yes.

Yes. I like that.

Yes.

Oh, by the way,

Yes.

do you have any money

Yes.

to pay for this champagne that I've just ordered?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No, I didn't think you did. Neither do I.

Yes.

But we're not gonna let that stop us, are we?

Yes.

Cheers.

Yes.

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

Oh, yes, we all hear about the wretched hostages

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

aboard the aircraft,

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

held captive by the Arab swine.

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

Long after their liberation on national television,

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

long after the deals

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

and the guest shots on Johnny Carson.

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

What about you two lads who volunteered

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

to go in and fly that empty airliner home

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

to its rightful owners. I mean--

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

Did they do that?

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

Under the very muzzles of the dusky savages' guns.

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

Oh, sorry. This champagne, how much is it?

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

What is the check? Uh...

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

These guys don't pay for drinks in my bar.

Here is to two of America's greatest unsung heroes.

What kind of an American do you think I am?

What kind of an American do you think I am?

Those two guys over there are heroes.

What kind of an American do you think I am?

You're a genius.

What kind of an American do you think I am?

What kind of an American do you think I am?

A society was formed high up in the Alps,

maybe a century ago.

A society was formed high up in the Alps,

They called themselves...

A society was formed high up in the Alps,

the Bavarian Illuminati.

There was no clubhouse,

the Bavarian Illuminati.

nothing but a pledge to a single sacred ideal.

the Bavarian Illuminati.

Fuck them before they fuck you.

the Bavarian Illuminati.

We'll begin our training tomorrow morning in earnest.

the Bavarian Illuminati.

What kind of training?

the Bavarian Illuminati.

Training in the magic art

the Bavarian Illuminati.

of what really makes a gentleman.

the Bavarian Illuminati.

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

Try as she might,

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

my wife has never been able to find the key. Ha!

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

The morning update.

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

A little ritual.

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

Chicago. In.

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

Uh, Bill. Uh, uh...

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

Yeah. Uh, no.

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

Check that out. A PhD from Harvard.

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

Wow.

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

Oh, is that still there?

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

I had this damn bank manager out the other day,

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

pestering me about house payments.

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

An alumnus of the old crimson.

Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

People.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

I'm trying to unload a useless bit of swampland

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

on a gullible neighbor.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

Something my wife inherited.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

He made his money in engineering.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

MIT.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

Do you have one of those from every school?

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

Only the ones that matter, dear boy.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

Only the ones that matter. And a complete set of neckties.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

Cost $12 a tie.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

Fraternity pins and rings.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

Easily obtainable from any local pawnshop.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

Cost: $1.

He gave me a six-month extension on my loan, heh.

The diplomas are easily obtainable

from a mail-order house in Canton, Oklahoma.

The diplomas are easily obtainable

Thus, for a total outlay of $212,

The diplomas are easily obtainable

the dedicated lluminati

The diplomas are easily obtainable

can equip himself with full academic credentials

The diplomas are easily obtainable

for any social or business situation.

The diplomas are easily obtainable

I cannot overemphasize

The diplomas are easily obtainable

the importance of education to you boys.

The diplomas are easily obtainable

Amongst the very wealthy,

The diplomas are easily obtainable

dogs are considered indispensable companions.

The diplomas are easily obtainable

But fashions change.

The diplomas are easily obtainable

One month, it's corgis,

The diplomas are easily obtainable

the next, it's Akitas of distinction.

The diplomas are easily obtainable

Keep abreast. Always carry a photograph

The diplomas are easily obtainable

of the most fashionable breed and display it at parties

The diplomas are easily obtainable

And talking of photographs, Bernardo.

The diplomas are easily obtainable

How would you like to embrace the princess?

The diplomas are easily obtainable

- Heh, go on. - Why not?

The diplomas are easily obtainable

Well, if you're all going to Palm Beach,

The diplomas are easily obtainable

we better arm you to the teeth.

The diplomas are easily obtainable

Good.

Good.

I hope you enjoy it.

No. No, coño. It's my birthday.

I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you.

Well, $650.

Not a bad night's work.

Well, $650.

How are we going to solve this little problem?

Well, $650.

Oh, allow me.

Well, $650.

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Francis Merchesson.

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

World-renowned food critic for the Paris Tribune.

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

Nice to meet you. Hey, hey, hey.

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

He, uh, loved the meal.

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

Of course, he did.

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

Uh...

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

He's probably gonna give it a very good review.

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

Although we thought it was a little expensive.

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

Reviews don't mean a thing.

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

Thank you for stopping by.

Are you the maitre d'? Yes, I am.

Crude, Jake. Unimaginative.

This is the finest, most exclusive

Crude, Jake. Unimaginative.

and expensive restaurant in Palm Beach.

Crude, Jake. Unimaginative.

It requires subtlety. Finesse.

Crude, Jake. Unimaginative.

Oh, God.

This is an outrage.

This is an outrage.

Right this way. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh.

This is an outrage.

Sir, I assure you this is not usual.

This is an outrage.

We deeply regret the incident. That's-- Uh...

This is an outrage.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

depth is out and patter is in.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

Yeah? How's that? Oh, it's simple really.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

People are basically lazy.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

No stockbroker is gonna question your credentials

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

if you can throw in a few well-turned phrases.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

Now, let's get back to IBM.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

And now the market is trading up so fast

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

that you can't even buy, so it's--

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

Evaporating on the upside.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

Yes. That's right.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

Yes, I think you know enough to handle the stock market,

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

but it's about that time

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

you should consider making that urgent phone call

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

before you blow the whole bloody thing.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

In any other trivial matter,

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

always rely on your native cunning and this:

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

I never leave home without it.

To convince people that you're of their ilk,

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

Strobe! If I were you, I'd say yes

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

while you still got a swing set.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

Strobe! Listen. I'm not a bad guy.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

I mean, there was a time when you wanted me, remember?

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

Well, it wasn't love.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

Okay, so love's out. I'm talking marriage.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

Hey, how does that strike your fancy, huh?

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

Four and a half carats.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

I just wanna save my school.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

Yeah?

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

You mean, like, if I gave you the school, you'd marry me?

I'm sorry. I told them to leave the teeter-totters out of this.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Yeah! We did it.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

I owe you the biggest one. You are my hero.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Hey. Yeah?

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Excuse me, Jake. You're a sharp dresser.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Which should be better for graduation?

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Oh, Raj, we gotta hip you to a new look.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Barney, give him your shirt.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Look, man, Sal Mineo.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Right here. Elvis Presley. There you go.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Elvis Presley?

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

James Dean. Let's go for it.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Click your heels, you're in East L.A.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Oh, my friends, how can I repay you?

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

What is yours is mine. When--

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Oh, my planes, my books, my islands, it's yours.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Thank you very much. Oh, James Dean.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Planes? Islands?

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Money.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Maybe he needs socks.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Godspeed, 3364.

Well done. Carry on.

Well done, both of you.

Well done, both of you.

Ah. Ah.

Well done, both of you.

Back up.

Well done.

Back up.

And so well done.

Thank you.

And so well done.

I beg your pardon. Thank you.

And so well done.

It's Roy. It isn't.

Roy. I didn't recognize you. Congratulations.

Thank you very, very much.

Namaste. Namaste to you too.

Thank you very much.

I now pronounce you members of the order

of the esteemed Bavarian lluminati.

I now pronounce you members of the order

You may rise.

I now pronounce you members of the order

Heh. Well, congratulations.

Good luck to your quest.

Heh. Well, congratulations.

Oh, one last thing, the secret sign.

Heh. Well, congratulations.

Repeat after me.

Heh. Well, congratulations.

Good. Now don't forget it.

Sometimes the secret sign is all that stands

Good. Now don't forget it.

between life and you know what.

Good. Now don't forget it.

Death. Worse.

Good. Now don't forget it.

Complete social embarrassment. Heh.

Good. Now don't forget it.

Shall we dine?

Good. Now don't forget it.

Let's.

Good. Now don't forget it.

Hello there, judge.

I didn't expect to see you until tomorrow.

Hello there, judge.

I'm early because I've got something on my mind.

Hello there, judge.

Let me guess.

Hello there, judge.

Olivia, your parents put a big responsibility on me.

Hello there, judge.

Now, I'm not the one to pass judgment on other people.

Hello there, judge.

Oh, come on, judge. Look. Despite my profession.

Hello there, judge.

But I want to make sure the man you marry is the right one.

Hello there, judge.

This weekend, the house is gonna be full of right ones.

Hello there, judge.

Just pick one of them, and I promise

Hello there, judge.

I'll do all I can to take care of your school.

Hello there, judge.

What's my choice? Strobe Fenobrest?

Hello there, judge.

Good blood lines.

Hello there, judge.

Let's start.

Hello there, judge.

Sir, there are some gentlemen here to see you.

Hello there, judge.

Well, send them in. They are my very good friends.

Hello there, judge.

Oh, I like this one.

Hello there, judge.

Hi, guys. How are you doing, pal?

Hello there, judge.

Wow. Jake. Barney.

Hello there, judge.

Everything is as you asked for.

Hello there, judge.

We have my cars, we have my tailors.

Hello there, judge.

Everything is ready.

Hello there, judge.

Raj, you're saving my life. Thanks a lot.

Hello there, judge.

Oh, good luck to you, my friend.

Hello there, judge.

Bring them back alive, okay? Look at those cassavas.

Hello there, judge.

Hello there, judge.

Hello there, judge.

Yeah, hi.

Jeez, this is great. Don't move.

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ For my boo boo ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ With an arrow Right through the heart ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

Hi.

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ And in the middle Of the heart ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ There is a space ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ For your name That I can never erase ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ I'll always need you ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ And I believe You'd be mine ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

Gee.

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

Good thing I brought the little one, huh?

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

Excuse me.

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

What are you doing here?

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

Are you out of your mind? Save it.

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

This is a roller coaster ride, get it?

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

Nobody gets off till I say so.

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

Judge. Ah--

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

I wanna introduce you to-- Jake Bateman, Your Honor.

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

I'm sorry my man wasn't able to RSVP.

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

We were on safari.

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

Just put us any place, it'll be fine.

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

Bateman?

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

I don't recall inviting anyone named Bateman.

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

Mr. Bateman is a friend of yours?

Who left the kiddie car in the driveway?

Grafspee, Mr. Bateman's luggage.

Ay.

Grafspee, Mr. Bateman's luggage.

Ah.

Do we know him?

Should we know him?

Do we know him?

Well, he certainly knows Olivia.

Do we know him?

I distinctly remember seeing no Bateman on the guest list.

There's the Boston Batemans.

I distinctly remember seeing no Bateman on the guest list.

There's the Baltimore Batemans.

I distinctly remember seeing no Bateman on the guest list.

Baltimore has Butmans. No Batemans.

I distinctly remember seeing no Bateman on the guest list.

No food for the help.

I distinctly remember seeing no Bateman on the guest list.

You may eat in the kitchen if you like.

I distinctly remember seeing no Bateman on the guest list.

Kitchen's right over there, sir.

I distinctly remember seeing no Bateman on the guest list.

Release that shrimp.

I distinctly remember seeing no Bateman on the guest list.

Hey, you guys like puppets?

I distinctly remember seeing no Bateman on the guest list.

Watch this.

I distinctly remember seeing no Bateman on the guest list.

Fuck you, okay?

Fuck you, okay? Fuck you, okay?

Fuck you, okay?

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Fuck you, okay?

Okay?

Fuck you, okay?

Hi.

You two kids.

Now, this is incredible.

Isn't that a Pomeranian? Oh, yes, it is.

Now, this is incredible.

You know, I have a very similar dog.

Now, this is incredible.

An Australian shepherd.

Now, this is incredible.

We keep her at the summer cottage.

Now, this is incredible.

I do have a photo with me.

Now, this is incredible.

There she is. There's Sparky.

Now, this is incredible.

Oh, how sweet.

Now, this is incredible.

Isn't that a picture of you with Prince Charles?

Now, this is incredible.

Oh, yeah, Charlie. I told him to go with the Pomeranian too.

Now, this is incredible.

He went with an Irish setter.

Now, this is incredible.

He's trying to improve the political climate.

Now, this is incredible.

Hello, Deedee.

Now, this is incredible.

Hello you. Hello, Peppy.

Now, this is incredible.

Deedee, will you excuse me while I borrow Mr. Bateman?

Now, this is incredible.

Why, certainly.

Now, this is incredible.

See you, Deedee. Right, bye.

Now, this is incredible.

How are you this evening?

Fine.

How are you this evening?

Jake. I could kill you.

Not the suit. I just got this.

Jake. I could kill you.

Hello. Hi there.

Jake. I could kill you.

Darling, I've been looking everywhere for you.

Jake. I could kill you.

Here you are. Mm. We're fencing.

Jake. I could kill you.

So I see. Bateman, isn't it?

Jake. I could kill you.

And a Harvard pin.

Jake. I could kill you.

Bateman of Harvard? Bateman of Harvard?

Jake. I could kill you.

No, no, no.

Jake. I could kill you.

Aw, but a Harvard man fencing

Jake. I could kill you.

with a defenseless little girl. Heh, heh.

Jake. I could kill you.

Jake. I could kill you.

You do fence with men? Why, do you know any?

Jake. I could kill you.

Oh perhaps you'd like to cross swords with me some time.

Jake. I could kill you.

Certainly. Tomorrow at dawn in the garden?

Jake. I could kill you.

Done. Good.

Jake. I could kill you.

Darling, when you're finished with your little friend,

Jake. I could kill you.

I'll be waiting for you by the cracked crab.

Jake. I could kill you.

Jake. I could kill you.

You don't fence, do you?

You don't fence, do you?

Fencing's my life.

You don't fence, do you?

Is this bad lady squeezing your genitals?

Yes. Huh?

You know, my aunt has a dog like that.

And, like, when my other aunt, Sophia, big, fat lady,

comes over, he just jumps on her leg, right?

And he begins to pump and pump and pump,

and his eyes start rolling back

and then he gets a satisfied look.

And then she shakes her leg and starches her nylons.

Does that ever happen with this one?

I don't get it. You're gonna fight with car antennas?

No, no. Here they are, here they are.

I don't get it. You're gonna fight with car antennas?

Ah, Bateman, you're here. I was afraid you might not show.

I don't get it. You're gonna fight with car antennas?

Wishful thinking, Fenobrest. Let's go.

I don't get it. You're gonna fight with car antennas?

Epée? No, no, no.

Hey. What is this shit? That's all right.

Whitey, give him a rapier.

Hey. What is this shit? That's all right.

I can handle this.

Hey. What is this shit? That's all right.

Ha!

Ha!

I thought I was the only one.

It was incomprehensible to me at the time

I thought I was the only one.

that they could change Darrins on Bewitched like that.

I thought I was the only one.

That's right. That's right.

I thought I was the only one.

First it was Dick York, then it was--

I thought I was the only one.

Dick Sargent.

I thought I was the only one.

You just don't change Dicks midstream.

I thought I was the only one.

Yeah, you're right.

I thought I was the only one.

I thought I was the only one.

All the inquisition is fine.

But what are you gonna do if you were in my neighborhood

All the inquisition is fine.

and some dude sticks a gun in your face?

All the inquisition is fine.

I have a car phone.

All the inquisition is fine.

All the inquisition is fine.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Whoo! Ha! One more.

Uh-oh.

You gotta catch a bus?

Uh-oh.

You know how rare it is to find a woman

Uh-oh.

that can cook and is beautiful?

Uh-oh.

Just like that. Aah!

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

What's she's squawking about?

Uh-oh.

I think she insulted you.

Uh-oh.

Would you mind repeating that please?

Uh-oh.

Oh, really? Does anyone here speak maid?

Uh-oh.

Hey, I know exactly what she said.

Uh-oh.

I'm fluent in several languages, honky being one of them.

Uh-oh.

What she said is that she's sorry for bumping into you,

Uh-oh.

but she was up all last night with one of her eight kids

Uh-oh.

who has a whooping cough.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

No, no, no. It's fine, it's fine.

Uh-oh.

It's okay.

Uh-oh.

Pendejo.

I owe you one for this.

Pendejo.

Oh, I think you owe me a lot more than just one.

Pendejo.

Yes? Yes.

Pendejo.

All right. We even?

Pendejo.

Well, it's a start.

I can't let you go on with this.

They're gonna kill you. Yeah, but what a way to die.

I can't let you go on with this.

You've gotta stop.

Oh.

You've gotta stop.

No, I'm-- Not this.

You've gotta stop.

Oh.

You've gotta stop.

So how did you learn to do that?

I had this babysitter. I was 12 years old--

So how did you learn to do that?

No, no, no. Not that. The fencing.

So how did you learn to do that?

Oh, I can do anything.

So how did you learn to do that?

As long as I'm doing it for you.

So how did you learn to do that?

So how did you learn to do that?

So anyway, it ended in cross-collateralization.

And no one made a dime on the deal.

So anyway, it ended in cross-collateralization.

So anyway, it ended in cross-collateralization.

Very funny. Here's an old joke,

So anyway, it ended in cross-collateralization.

very popular on the floor of the market last year.

So anyway, it ended in cross-collateralization.

Is that where you made your money, Bateman?

So anyway, it ended in cross-collateralization.

No, that's where I keep it.

So anyway, it ended in cross-collateralization.

I like your style, Bateman.

So anyway, it ended in cross-collateralization.

Are you joining us for the skeet shoot?

So anyway, it ended in cross-collateralization.

Of course. Good.

Hey, look at the bright side.

Hell, at least you wound up on a silver platter. Heh.

Hey, look at the bright side.

Now they want me to kill something.

What? A skeet.

Now they want me to kill something.

What the hell is a skeet?

Now they want me to kill something.

It's like a Haitian, only smaller.

Now they want me to kill something.

Heh. Will you get real?

Now they want me to kill something.

What are we gonna do? First of all, don't panic.

Now they want me to kill something.

I'll make a phone call.

Now they want me to kill something.

I've got just the right person in mind.

Now they want me to kill something.

Jake, who are we?

Now they want me to kill something.

Who are we? Right.

Now they want me to kill something.

Get back to your woman.

Now they want me to kill something.

God.

Now they want me to kill something.

I don't know if they eat you or fuck you.

Squeak! Squeak!

I don't know if they eat you or fuck you.

Pull!

I don't know if they eat you or fuck you.

Damn.

Sun's brutal, isn't it? Not really.

Perhaps we should have used bigger skeet.

Pull!

Hurry. Hurry.

All right, just stay calm. And remember what I told you.

No problem.

What do you say, Wild Bill?

Call it a day or perhaps you'd like another pull?

I'd love another pull.

This time, just to make it interesting,

I'm gonna shoot leftie.

This time, just to make it interesting,

This time, just to make it interesting,

Set four!

This time, just to make it interesting,

Pull!

This time, just to make it interesting,

Come on, come on.

Oh.

Come on, come on.

Excuse me, really.

Come on, come on.

It's great shooting, isn't it?

Come on, come on.

Very good, Bateman.

Come on, come on.

What do you think, Strobe?

Come on, come on.

Yeah, yeah. Nice shooting, Bateman.

Come on, come on.

Thanks, pal. Ow!

So the fellow said,

"How long have you been wearing those?"

So the fellow said,

Ever since my wife found them in the pocket of my car.

So the fellow said,

So the fellow said,

I love it.

So the fellow said,

He's so funny, he's fun--

So the fellow said,

What are you eating there?

What is this black shit?

What are you eating there?

That is expensive Russian caviar.

What are you eating there?

Yeah?

What are you eating there?

Damn.

What are you eating there?

Smells like pussy to me.

What are you eating there?

What are you eating there?

Don't this remind you of a drive-in? Check it out.

What are you eating there?

What are you eating there?

You didn't have no drive-ins when you was young, huh?

What are you eating there?

Good vintage. What do you think, Mr. Bateman?

Yes, Château Margaux.

Good vintage. What do you think, Mr. Bateman?

Um, '63.

Trifle tannic. North slope, I believe.

Um, '63.

Very perceptive.

Um, '63.

Aah!

Don't mind me. I've been working at Three Mile Island.

Aah!

Bateman.

Aah!

We've been talking, and we're a little bit curious.

Aah!

Exactly what is it you do?

Aah!

Yes, what do you do exactly?

Aah!

I'm not at liberty to say.

Aah!

Oh, come now. We're all friends here.

Aah!

We have nothing to hide. Isn't that right, judge?

Aah!

I must admit, I'm a bit curious.

Aah!

What about it, Mr. Bateman? If you insist, Your Honor.

Aah!

All I can say is

Aah!

I'm a financial advisor to several important men.

Aah!

I do happen to have a photograph

Aah!

of one of my clients with me.

Aah!

I went to charm school.

Look what I learned.

¶ Amadeus, Amadeus ¶

¶ Rock me, Amadeus Amadeus-- ¶

Go ahead, try it. It's good. It's good for you. Watch.

¶ Amadeus, Amadeus Rock me, Amadeus ¶

You keep working that. I'll be back.

¶ Amadeus, Amadeus Rock me, Amadeus ¶

You golf better than you fence?

It depends if my opponent decides to cheat or not.

Um, judge, is your dance card full?

It just emptied.

Hey, it's favorite dog lady. How are you doing?

You got yourself another one, huh?

Yes, uh-huh. This is a shar-pei.

A Chinese dog.

Oh. Now, how old is it? Three months.

No, I doubt it. Look at this dog.

It looks like it has a flap. Look at this.

Oh, please. You didn't iron it.

No. That's the way the dog is.

You can fit two dogs in here.

No, please don't abuse my dog.

Do you have any Vietnamese neighbors?

No, no. Look, if you ever do have

some Vietnamese people moving next door to you,

take my word for it. Take Fluffy with you.

Or else you'll come home,

your dog will be missing a leg.

You'll be going, "Where were you? Huh? Huh?"

Please, please. You are so disgusting.

Oh, oh, I'm disgusting? Like a--

Look, my neighbors--

Like I've had four dogs this month, okay.

I went over there and I asked them, I said,

"Hey, have seen my dog?"

And they were picking their teeth and were going,

"No, we no see Fluffy. What your dog look like?

Does your dog have big, like, big juicy hind leg?"

Oh, you're so atrocious. Really.

Oh, fine, fine.

I guess we ain't pals no more.

Hey, general.

You ought to get yourself a dog, man.

Because a dog's a man's best friend.

I mean, after all, the first thing they do

is they put their nose up your crotch, right?

You can't get any friendlier than that, huh?

You ought to try some Grecian formula too, babe.

Your Honor, may I have the honor?

Maestro!

A tango, please.

Maestro!

Maestro!

Maestro!

Wait. Mira. Baby.

See the conehead?

Take him out.

See the conehead?

Loco. Why should I?

See the conehead?

You owe me.

See the conehead?

Okay. I'll take care of him for you.

See the conehead?

And then you owe me.

See the conehead?

See the conehead?

Who the hell are you?

Oh, shit.

Ugh.

Unh!

Damn you, Bateman!

Get off!

Damn you, Bateman!

Unh!

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

Oh, sure you have.

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

Bateman. Fenobrest.

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

I consider this unacceptable behavior from gentlemen.

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

Why don't you make some attempt to settle this?

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

I suggest you compete against one another

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

in a game of cross courts.

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

I doubt if he plays.

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

Cross courts? It's my middle name.

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

Done, then. If you'll excuse me.

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

What the hell is cross courts?

Now, let me tell you about mine, though. Seriously.

What the hell is cross courts?

Because I know you're getting pissed off,

What the hell is cross courts?

and as well you should, but look, bottom line

What the hell is cross courts?

is whenever I get in an airline,

What the hell is cross courts?

I don't understand the safety regulations.

What the hell is cross courts?

They're bullshit, man. And, like--

What the hell is cross courts?

I've been in airplanes where they actually tell you,

What the hell is cross courts?

"Ladies and gentlemen, in case of an emergency,

What the hell is cross courts?

please place your head between your legs."

What the hell is cross courts?

Who are they bullshitting?

What the hell is cross courts?

If I could do that, I'd never leave the house.

What the hell is cross courts?

What the hell is cross courts?

Get it? Leave the-- Ha, ha, ha, ha!

What the hell is cross courts?

What?

What the hell is cross courts?

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Shh. Colonel. Colonel. Psst.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Oh, there you are.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Now, I came as quickly as I could.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

I had to look high and low to find the right equipment.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

So I haven't played cross courts in 20 years.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

What in hell is it?

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

It's the most archaic and esoteric game in the world.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

It dates back to the Renaissance.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

There are only seven courts in the whole world.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Can you teach us to play?

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Uh-- Well, I'll do my best,

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

but you'll have to find a third player

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

for the actual match. Because I've got a game leg.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll call somebody.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Who are you gonna call? I don't know,

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

but whoever it is, it'll be collect.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

How do I look?

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Will you relax? You're making me nervous.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Be cool. Okay, okay.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Where's this guy? He'll be here.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Who did you get?

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Now, how does that go?

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

It's not whether you win or you lose--

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Who'd you get?

Pfft, colonel. Psst.

Here he comes now.

Oh, my God.

The game will be played to seven chikis.

Spin the first ball!

Unh.

Chiki.

Chiki.

You son of a bitch.

Chiki.

Chiki.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Chiki.

No, no, no. Uh, uh, uh.

Chiki.

Your Honor, I demand an immediate chiki challenge

Chiki.

via a judgment head scrum reversal.

Chiki.

Your Honor, I just wanna kick him in the nuts one time.

Chiki.

The fail stands.

Chiki.

Boosebraum challenge? Accepted?

Chiki.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, yeah.

Ready.

Hey, what are we looking for?

You stupid geek. Hey.

Hey, what are we looking for?

Hey.

Hey, what are we looking for?

Ow! Ow!

Hey, what are we looking for?

Yelling judgment.

Hey, what are we looking for?

Sustained.

Hey, what are we looking for?

Good judgment. Good call.

Hey, what are we looking for?

Henchman!

Hey, what are we looking for?

Hey, what are we looking for?

Nerd!

Hey, it's dark in here.

Lock him up.

Hey, it's dark in here.

Should we try to spin the next bowl?

Hey, it's dark in here.

Here.

Hey, this penalty stuff is not so bad.

Hup! Hup!

Hup! Hup!

Chiki! Foul.

Hup! Hup!

Hup! Hup!

Blatant bialy.

Hup! Hup!

Your Honor. Surely a hedgehop?

Hup! Hup!

Hedgehop granted.

Hup! Hup!

Thank you.

Hup! Hup!

Ah.

Chiki, red.

Hit hard!

Ugh. Aah!

Ugh. Aah!

Ugh. Aah!

Hey, Spartacus. Hey, what are you in for?

Ugh. Aah!

I cheated. They made me cheat.

Ugh. Aah!

Your friends are loud, lewd, coarse sportsmen.

Ugh. Aah!

I've been penalized.

Ugh. Aah!

Don't be so hard on those guys. They're my pals.

Ugh. Aah!

They're just social climbing, that's all.

Ugh. Aah!

They're trying to use all the stuff we learned

Ugh. Aah!

in charm school.

Ugh. Aah!

Welcome back.

Strobe. I've gotta tell you something.

Welcome back.

Not now, Whitey. Strobe.

Welcome back.

Not during the game.

Welcome back.

Charlatan.

Charlatan.

Your little geek friend from charm school

Charlatan.

spilled the proverbial beans.

Charlatan.

Honorable spectators!

Charlatan.

Something terrible has happened today.

Charlatan.

And we may never recover.

Charlatan.

These men are impostors, fakes, frauds.

Charlatan.

Charlatan.

Don't tell me. Bialy, right?

Charlatan.

Thought so. This way? Thank you.

Charlatan.

Charlatan.

Olivia, you're mine.

Olivia, you're mine.

Olivia, you're mine.

Olivia, you're mine.

You look fine. How do you feel?

Fine. I just don't remember where I parked my car.

You look fine. How do you feel?

You'll be great.

You look fine. How do you feel?

Oh, hello, so nice of you to come.

You look fine. How do you feel?

All the way from Winnetka. That's terrific.

You look fine. How do you feel?

Hello. How are--?

You look fine. How do you feel?

This isn't Buffy, huh. Where's Buffy?

You look fine. How do you feel?

You look fine. How do you feel?

How are you? Mm. So nice to see you.

Good to see you. How are you? Hello.

How are you? Mm. So nice to see you.

Sit down. Enjoy.

How are you? Mm. So nice to see you.

I don't know who these people are.

How are you? Mm. So nice to see you.

Your Honor. I thought you'd never get here.

How are you? Mm. So nice to see you.

To the victor go the spoils, I suppose?

How are you? Mm. So nice to see you.

How are you? Mm. So nice to see you.

Hi.

All right. Hold it right there.

This parking is for clergy only.

All right. Hold it right there.

But I am clergy. Yeah, and I'm the Easter bunny.

All right. Hold it right there.

Let me see your badge.

All right. Hold it right there.

Badge? They don't give us badges.

All right. Hold it right there.

Well, then let me hear you say hallelujah.

All right. Hold it right there.

Hallelujah.

All right. Hold it right there.

Get out of the car, come on. You're under arrest. Let's go.

All right. Hold it right there.

Ugh.

All right. Hold it right there.

Now, you have the right to remain silent.

All right. Hold it right there.

Anything you say may be held against you in a court of law.

All right. Hold it right there.

I love my job.

All right. Hold it right there.

I'll take it from here, judge.

My darling, this is, without a doubt,

the happiest day of my life.

Hello, Strobe. Hi. Oh. Heh, heh.

Trouble already.

Hey, how you doing? Heh-heh-heh.

Trouble already.

Just the governor and his wife.

Trouble already.

Hi, Strobe. Oh. Hi.

Trouble already.

Hi. Hi.

Trouble already.

Whole club, eh, darling?

Trouble already.

Trouble already.

Hello, Strobe.

Trouble already.

They're all here, sweetheart.

Trouble already.

Every one of them came.

Trouble already.

Oh, God, you smell divine.

Trouble already.

Dearly beloved,

and those of you we do not care too much for,

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today to join this major stallion

Dearly beloved,

and this frail flower in holy mantra alimony.

Dearly beloved,

If there is anyone here who feels these two

Dearly beloved,

should not be married, speak now

Dearly beloved,

or forever hold your hands on your pieces.

Dearly beloved,

The ring, please.

Dearly beloved,

Strobe. Not now, please.

Strobe. Not now.

Strobe. Not now, please.

Whitey, you're making a scene. Please.

Strobe. Not now, please.

We'll find your car later, all right?

Strobe. Not now, please.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Strobe. Not now, please.

You may kiss the bride.

Strobe. Not now, please.

Aah!

Strobe. Not now, please.

Surprise.

Oh, don't freeze up on me now. Come here.

Surprise.

Surprise.

Ah.

Surprise.

That's the biggest social event of the year.

Surprise.

Everyone you know is here.

Surprise.

The governor, mayor. All your friends are here.

Surprise.

Pig. You disgusting pig.

Surprise.

Hit him, ma'am. Hit him. I have.

Surprise.

You mean it's okay with you?

Surprise.

Damn right, it is.

Surprise.

Your parents wanted you to marry the right man.

Surprise.

I think they'd be happy.

Surprise.

I got us a suite at the Holiday Inn.

Surprise.

We got a big water bed. Oh, are we gonna make waves.

Surprise.

Oh, yes.

Surprise.

You made promises to me you're gonna fulfill.

Surprise.

All those illegal acts.

Surprise.

Yes, if we need farm animals, we'll use them too.

Surprise.

Oh, mm. Congratulations.

Surprise.

You're all right, Your Honor.

Surprise.

I know. Come here.

Surprise.

Surprise.

You'll be okay.

Surprise.

You'll make me happy or I'll break your nuts.

Surprise.

Stop this! You're not my wife. You're not even a woman!

Surprise.

There's my wife! Au contraire. I am your woman.

Surprise.

Get off me! Stop those people!

Surprise.

Officer! Officer!

Surprise.

Officer, arrest this man!

Surprise.

Get him off me! You just-- Hey, come on, come on.

Surprise.

Oh, wait. No, you've got the wrong guy. Wait.

Surprise.

Jake!

Name the first one Barney, huh?

It seems like everybody's getting laid but me.

Oh, girls. Girls.

Hi. Barney Rockefeller.

Oh, girls. Girls.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, girls. Girls.

As long as I have a face, you'll have place to sit.

Oh, girls. Girls.

Listen, let's get out of these dresses.

Oh, girls. Girls.

The name wouldn't be Phelps by any chance?

It might be. This week.

The name wouldn't be Phelps by any chance?

Sternhill. You old rogue.

Well, well.

Sternhill. You old rogue.

Sternhill. You old rogue.

I thought this smacked of your work.

Well, the boys were very apt pupils.

I thought this smacked of your work.

I thought this smacked of your work.

Come on.

I thought this smacked of your work.

¶ Another bride Another groom ¶

¶ Another city honeymoon ¶

¶ Another bride Another groom ¶

¶ Another season Another reason ¶

¶ Another bride Another groom ¶

¶ For makin' whoopee ¶

¶ Another bride Another groom ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ You'll find men Everywhere ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ I'm telling you, man Everywhere ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ Somebody's Makin' good wages ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ Somebody wants Her share ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ She calls him Toodles And rolls her eyes ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ She makes him strudel ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ She bakes him pies ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ What is it all for? ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ It's so he'll fall For makin' whoopee ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ Uh-huh That's what she's after ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ All right Take it over here ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ Ladies and gentleman Tony "Three-Finger" Martinez ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Who do you think you are? Keith Richards ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ No way ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ $5000 per ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Money, money, money ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Some judge Who thinks he's funny ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Says "You pay 6 to her, buddy" ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ He says, "Now, judge Now, look, what if I fail? ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You wouldn't put a nice guy Like me in jail ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You would? Well, then you keep her ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You'll find It's cheaper ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Than makin' whoopee" ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ I'm out of here ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Hey, Ramon Can you believe it? ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Some dude in a black dress Trying to tell me what to do ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ The nerve Of that vato, huh? ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ All right, take it away ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Julie Blow that horn, man ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ I'll get you Some jumper cables ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ And a spot on MTV ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You could, man ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You play that sax Just like Clarence Lemons ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You know, the guy that plays For Señor Jefe ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You know Mr. Springstein ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Yeah ¶

¶ All right, Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Another bride Another groom ¶

¶ Another sunny honeymoon ¶

¶ Another bride Another groom ¶

¶ Another season ¶

¶ Another bride Another groom ¶

¶ Another reason ¶

¶ Another bride Another groom ¶

¶ For makin' whoopee ¶

¶ Another bride Another groom ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ Ages ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ You'll find men Everywhere ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ I'm telling you, man Everywhere ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ Everywhere ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ Somebody's makin' Good wages ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ Wages ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ Somebody wants her share ¶ ¶ She wants a share ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ She calls him Toodles And rolls her eyes ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ She makes him strudel ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ She bakes him pies ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ What is it all for? ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ It's so he'll fall For makin' whoopee ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ Uh-huh That's what she's after ¶

¶ Down through The countless ages ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ No way ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ $5000 per ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ Money, money, money ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ Some judge who thinks He's funny ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ Says "You pay 6 to her, buddy" ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ He says, "Now, judge Now, look, what if I fail? ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ You wouldn't put a nice guy Like me in jail ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ You would? Well, then you keep her ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ You'll find it's cheaper Than makin' whoopee" ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ We're makin' it Whoo hoo hoo ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ We're makin' it ¶

¶ He doesn't make Much money ¶

¶ Oh, sing it, girls ¶

¶ We're makin' it ¶

¶ Oh, sing it, girls ¶

¶ Makin' whoopee ¶

¶ Oh, sing it, girls ¶

¶ I got me Some backup babes ¶

¶ Oh, sing it, girls ¶

Right.

They got some weird food here.

Right.

Goddamn, what is this?

Right.

These are some kind of nuclear crabs.

Right.

Boy, I bet these could eat your balls alive.

Right.

Right.

I wonder what kind of lotion will take these away

Right.

from your dick. Ha-ha-ha.

Right.

Hey, dude. Check it out, man.

Right.