Original subtitles

This coffee is so good.

It's got a nice body,

a lot of light, biscuity notes up front,

but it fades to reveal an earthy yet creamy finish.

Is it a shade-grown single origin?

It's Folgers, Dave.

That was my next guess.

- Hey-hey. - Hey, Pops.

We got a package at our house addressed to you.

Well, all right.

And with a few days to spare,

I finally got the perfect present for Tina's birthday.

Got to do it big for your boo. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, and Dad has a bad history with Mom's birthdays.

- Yep, he is 0 for all of them. - Yeah.

Remember when he got her that fancy vacuum cleaner?

Oh, she was so upset.

She vacuumed through every football game that season.

Well, don't forget her 40th.

- The cake. - Mm.

Was it a carrot cake?

You know, vegetables have no place in cakes.

Full stop.

I like zucchini bread.

No!

It turns out that she was allergic.

Her face swelled up like a blowfish.

That's why the next year, I got her a car.

And ran over her foot with said car.

Well, I couldn't see over the big bow.

But this year is going to be different.

I got her the most amazing gift.

A genuine Chanel jacket

straight off the runways of Paris.

Look like it came straight from the Guangdong Province.

(CHUCKLES) She's gonna love it, baby...

- DAVE: Here we go. - Ah, yes.

Oh, no.

Hey, man, that's too small.

I can see that, Dave.

Yeah, so I don't have to point out that it's spelled "channel"?

Uh, no.

Well, looks like your streak continues.

(LAUGHS)

- Hey. - CALVIN: Hey.

Now, what are you boys up to?

Nothing. (LAUGHS)

Well, I hope you're not getting me

anything extravagant for my birthday.

I don't need anything. All I need is you.

Well, you know you got that.

You know? But I got to do a little something for my baby, now.

Okay, I'm just saying, when you look this good

at my age, you can't ask for anything more, right?

- You know what I mean? - You know that's right.

- You know what I mean? - Fine as hell.

- You do it, Mama. - Okay.

(MALCOLM CHUCKLES)

Oh, man, she is definitely going to want more.

Luckily, we found the perfect gift.

Oh, yes, we did.

The latest in ergonomic sneakers

because she's always complaining about how her feet hurt.

Well, they did get run over.

Okay, how much do you want for 'em?

(CHUCKLES) Daddy, they're not for sale.

Come on, guys. Look, I'll give you $300 cash right now.

(LAUGHS) No, my brother.

You have got to get your own.

(LAUGHTER)

Watch out.

- Move out the way. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm,

- mm-hmm. - Ooh!

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Oh, hey, babe.

What's going on?

Our online fundraising auction goes live tonight,

and our donations suck.

What are you talking about? I just donated juggling lessons.

Yeah. Anyway,

I'm waiting for Jerry O'Connell to walk by to pick up his kids.

I'm going to "accidentally" bump into him

and get him to donate VIP tickets to The Talk.

Oh, finally, the day I get to chop it up with Jerry.

- Ooh, there he is. - He's mine. Jerry.

Jerry! Ooh! Oh!

Oh...

Fire! Uh, false alarm. (CHUCKLES)

- Hey. - You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey, can I ask you a quick question?

No, I don't know how I got Rebecca Romijn to marry me.

(STRAINED LAUGHTER)

That's funny. I-I'm her husband Dave.

- I don't know how I got her to marry me either. - Oh.

So, anyway, our big online fundraiser is coming up,

and I was wondering if you might be

able to donate something to auction off.

Of course. I'm pretty sure

I have a Kindle that's still in the box.

Brand-new.

Oh, uh, yeah, thanks.

I'm kidding. How many VIP tickets to The Talk do you need?

Oh, four. Yes. Thank you. Thank you.

Hooah.

I'm sorry?

No, I'm... I just...

- I-I don't... - Oh.

I don't mean to embarrass you, but, uh, I just...

Scent of a Woman is my favorite movie.

Me, too. But that was Chris O'Donnell.

I'm Jerry O'Connell.

♪ ♪

I'll take any idea you got.

I am desperate to find something special.

Well, I got her this amazing perfume

I found on Oprah's Favorite Things list.

It's designed by her personal scent sommelier.

Perfect. I'll give you $300 cash right here, right now.

Calvin. Come on, it's your wife's birthday.

You've got to dig deeper.

All right, $350.

Calvin!

Just, whenever I ask her what she wants,

she says, "All I need is you."

Well, yeah, that's what we all say, but we actually want the gift.

Well, you know, I got Miss Tina a present.

I'm going to play her a song on my recorder.

I've been practicing for weeks.

Grover, that's really sweet and thoughtful.

Look, say it's from me, I'll give you $300 cash.

- Mixed bills, tens and 20s. - Ooh, money, money.

No, no, no, no. No money.

Come on, Calvin, don't give up.

Why not support a good cause and get her something

from the school auction site?

All right, I guess it couldn't hurt.

(GROANS)

Lunch with the football coach. Boo.

- Yeah. - All right.

Juggling lessons. That's got to be Dave.

(SCOFFS)

A 60-pound weighted blanket?

How do you get out of bed?

It's been a rough year for donations.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

VIP tickets to The Talk.

Tina loves The Talk. Sheryl Underwood is her girl.

All right, you know what? I'll buy those.

Great. Auction goes live tonight.

Okay, well, how about I give you $300 cash

right now and we cut out the middleman?

The middleman is the scholarship fund

for underprivileged kids.

- Okay, all right. $375. - No.

$400 and I take Grover for the night.

We all know he can be a handful.

I'm right here.

♪ ♪

Man, this auction is blowing up.

I've had to up my bid, like, nine times.

Scent of a Woman.

How could I be so stupid?

Okay. All right. We're down to the last minute.

Okay, here we go... oh.

- Oh... - TINA: Hey.

- (CLEARS THROAT) - (CLEARS THROAT)

What are you boys doing out here?

Oh, you know, uh, watching porn.

No, we are not.

Oh.

I get it. I get it.

The birthday girl is going to go back inside now.

Yeah. All right.

- Bye. - Man, that was terrible.

You're lucky I was here. You froze up.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

Oh. Oh, man, I got to up my bid.

Down to the final five seconds.

- Okay, here we go. - Okay.

Three, two, one.

- Yeah! - Got it!

Yeah, baby! Let's go!

- Shh! - You're going to the...

Right, uh, wow, that is some pretty wild pornography.

♪ ♪

(PLAYING POORLY)

♪ ♪

Oh, wow. Aw.

Oh, thank you, Grover.

Bless your little heart.

That was beautiful.

What was that? "Sweet Caroline"?

I thought it was "Back That Azz Up."

He's been working on it all week.

Yeah, that's easily the best that it's sounded.

- Yeah. - TINA: Aw.

Well, thank you, Johnson family, for my lovely perfume.

And the concert.

- Yeah, yeah, uh, nice effort. - (LAUGHS)

- Open ours, Mommy. - Oh, oh.

Okay, let me see what my babies got me.

Ugh.

These are nice.

Is that why you said "ugh"?

Oh, did I? No, no, I...

Well, they look like old lady sneakers.

No, no, no, no, no. Th-They're not for old ladies.

They're just padded to relieve foot pain,

improve posture, and prevent varicose veins.

Well, when you put it like that...

Oh, damn.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

They're endorsed by Marla Gibbs.

Y'all got y'all mama some Air Gibbs?

We have got to get Mama something else.

Oh, yeah, y'all definitely do.

Yeah, we know, Gemma.

Well, babe, you're going to need someplace to wear

your nice new Velcro kicks.

- So here you go. - Oh, that's sweet, baby.

What'd you get me?

Oh, my God!

You got me four tickets to The Talk?

- Yes. - I get to see my girl Sheryl in person?

Oh, baby, this is the best gift ever.

Hit it, Grover. I'm feeling it.

- (PLAYING POORLY) - I'm feeling it.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Baby, we are in the front row.

I mean, Sheryl is going to be right there.

- I could touch her. - Okay, you know what?

You know who's else gonna be right here is security.

- Don't do that, okay? - Okay.

So exciting.

You know, Jerry is definitely going to see me.

This is the last chance for me to save our friendship.

There is no friendship.

Well, not with that attitude, there isn't.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Talk.

- ♪ You and me ♪ - ♪ You and me ♪

♪ You know we make some real good company ♪

♪ Company... ♪

Oh, my God, it's Sheryl! It's Sheryl!

- ♪ You know we make some real good company ♪ - Hi, Sheryl!

♪ ♪

♪ Hoppin', we poppin', all the magic we makin' ♪

♪ Lord knows I love conversating with you ♪

(CHANTING): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry!

Wrong show. Wrong Jerry. Stop doing that.

Stop doing that.

(LAUGHING)

♪ ♪

Okay, here's a gift idea.

An LED light therapy rejuvenation mask.

Are you crazy?

That'll be like telling Mama her face isn't juvenated.

See, man, look, look. Look at this.

- Ah. Things were so easy when we were little. - Huh.

We made her an ugly necklace out of macaroni and she loved it.

Oh, man. Yeah, I remember that.

You know, one time

I gave her a Lando Calrissian action figure that she bought me,

and she said it was her favorite gift ever.

Yeah, and then you took it right back.

She wasn't gonna play with it.

Well, as you know, we here on The Talk are big fans of chili.

And today our own Sheryl Underwood

is going to share her secret recipe.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

And spoiler alert, it is good.

So good.

Oh, you guys, stop.

Okay, now, I'm going to invite a few

lucky audience members up on stage to sample it.

Anybody hungry?

Me! Me, me, me! Me! Oh!

I'm starving, I'm starving!

Hey, birthday girl. Birthday girl right here.

Oh, yeah, a-and the birthday girl's friends.

- And the birthday girl's friend. - Okay, you four. Come on.

Oh. Okay!

Come on, baby. Come on, let's go.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Hey.

Come on up.

Okay, okay. Where are you from?

Pasadena, Sheryl.

- Uh-huh. - I'm Tina and you're Sheryl.

All day, every day.

Sheryl is standing right here, Calvin.

- She's right here. - I can see that, babe.

Was 'cause your man finally got you a great birthday present.

Yes, you did, baby... you're so sweet.

And your birthday's about to get even better

because I'm going to make you some chili.

GEMMA: Ooh. Ooh!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hey, Jerry O'Connell.

Why don't you come and, uh, Stand by Me?

Yes, that was, uh, that was

a movie I was actually in. Very good. Very good.

All right, let's get cooking.

Yes. Show me the chili!

Okay. Yeah. I was also in Jerry Maguire.

Let's move on. We're moving on.

DAVE: Got him.

Okay, I need an assistant chef.

Oh, oh, you got to pick my baby.

She's been cooking me the best chili for over 30 years.

Oh, stop it, baby.

Oh, looks like I got some competition.

Oh, wow. Mom is on TV cooking with her hero.

DAVE: What kind of cheese are you going to use, Jerry O'Connell?

Monterey Jack or... Kangaroo Jack? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, David.

As every great cook knows,

the secret to chili is the spices.

And I got my own special blend.

- Cayenne. - Ooh, all right, now.

- Paprika. - Oh, I see you. I see you.

Mustard seed.

AKBAR: Ooh. Huh?

And a little something-something that they won't see coming.

Horseradish.

Mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

NATALIE: All right, everybody, you have Sheryl's chili in front of you,

so let's dig in.

DAVE: All right.

AKBAR: Okay. All right. Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT) Mmm.

- Mmm. - This is good.

This is so good, Sheryl. It's really good.

Here you go, birthday girl.

- Bon appétit. - All right. Okay.

Thank you, Sheryl.

You don't like it?

I do. It's so good.

This is a masterpiece. Yeah.

You know what? All this need is a whole bunch of crackers.

Tina doesn't like my chili.

You all like my chili, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, so, so good.

- It's so yummy. - Amazing.

- I'm almost done. Yeah. - Hey. This is spicy.

- So it's just you. - No.

No, no, no. Because I-I love it.

I love it. The chili is good.

Okay, then-then eat some more.

Go ahead.

- Okay, let me... - Mangia.

... have some more chili. (FORCED LAUGH)

(GROANS)

I think this segment is over.

And I think y'all been lying about my chili this whole time.

JERRY: You know what? We're going to pay some bills right now, okay?

We'll be right back with more Talk.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

AKBAR: Aw.

Oh, Sheryl, don't be like that.

See what you did, Akbar?

Sheryl!

♪ ♪

Hey. Gemma?

Calvin, what are you doing here?

(SIGHS) Look, I need you to do me a favor.

I need to talk to Jerry O'Connell.

No. Nuh-uh.

After what happened this morning?

Well, that's the thing.

Look, I finally got Tina the perfect gift,

and it wound up being her worst birthday ever.

She told me she wished I just ran over her feet again.

I understand.

But I can't allow you to approach a parent on school property

- without proper... - Hey, Erica.

Ooh, there he is. Hey, Jerry!

- Jerry. Oh, sorry. - Oh! Why? Why?

(STAMMERING)

- You okay? - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please, please tell me

that guy Dave is not with you.

Uh...

Oh, no, no, no, I barely know that guy, man.

Hey, look, Jerry, um,

my wife Tina, she loves Sheryl so much,

and, uh, this morning, you know, it-it ruined her birthday.

Uh, I think we should move on.

Here's the weighted blanket you won at the auction.

(GRUNTING)

- You okay? - Oh, yeah. I got it, I got it.

Look, I-I was just hoping that maybe

you could put Tina in touch with Sheryl

so that she can apologize.

Well, I-I'd love to help you out,

but Sheryl is not upset with your wife.

Sheryl's upset with us for not being

more real with her about her chili,

which is not great chili.

Yeah, I'm not sure if it was even chili.

We were just trying to spare her feelings,

and now Sheryl's embarrassed.

She said she's never cooking on our show again.

O-Okay, well, maybe we can help each other out.

Come on, let me help you with that blanket.

- (GRUNTS) - You know, it just so happens

my wife makes a mean chili.

Oh, I certainly believe the mean part.

- (CHUCKLES) - Slow your roll.

That's my wife we talking about now.

♪ ♪

- SHERYL: Tina doesn't like my chili. - Pause.

Right there. Look at my face.

- Yeah. That's not pretty. - Ugh.

You're an attractive woman, but that's not a good face.

Babe, I know your birthday is over...

Are you day-drinking with Dave?

You know, I don't think Akbar liked me either.

Anyway, look, I know your birthday's over,

but I got one more gift for you,

and it's a chance to make things right. I just want you...

So you're just gonna leave me on the front porch

like I'm an Amazon package?

Hello, Tina.

Calvin, Sheryl Underwood is in my house.

I know, babe. I brought her.

Sheryl Underwood,

I am so sorry about this morning.

It's, it's just my face. You know?

It-it won't lie.

Girl, I know it.

I watched it back on slow-mo.

But I want to thank you.

You were the only one that was honest with me.

- Oh. - I hated the chili, too.

Even more than her.

Little late, Jerry O'Connell superfan.

Uh, so he mentioned me?

Nobody's talking about you, Dave.

Tina, I brought Sheryl here so that you could teach her

how to make chili the right way.

Oh, hell yeah, I will.

Come on, girl. Let me get you a glass of wine.

That's all right, girl.

I got one.

Calvin! Sheryl Underwood is in my kitchen.

I can see.

This is the best birthday ever. Again.

So, what do I need to know?

Okay, first off, the horseradish has got to go.

That's my mother's recipe.

Oh, she doesn't know how to cook either, huh?

Tina!

Ooh, okay. Where are you taking me?

- No, no, keep your eyes closed. - Okay.

- Okay. Almost. Almost. - All right.

And open 'em.

Ta-da!

Wow. What's all this?

It's your present.

Look, Ma, we-we were trying to find

the perfect birthday present for you,

and we remembered that you really loved this one.

Aw.

We remember this day as being pretty much perfect,

so we decided to recreate it.

Oh, thank you. Are those sandwiches?

Yep.

Tuna fish and Cheetos.

(LAUGHS) Yep, there's the yucky face.

There it is.

But I love it. I will eat it.

Thank you. Boys, this is...

This is all I could want.

Mwah.

My babies. Mwah.

Happy birthday, Mama.

Thank you. This is...

Okay, Mom, I need you to smile, we about take a picture.

- All right, come on. - Okay. Let's take a picture

with my babies.

Here we go.

Three, two...

What y'all looking at?

- Dad. - Come on, Pop.

We're trying to recreate this photo.

Oh, but, man, I didn't know.

That's okay, baby, why don't you just get in the picture?

Oh, okay. All right, good. Let's do it.

Come on, baby. Here we go.

And three, two...

Ooh, do I smell Cheetos and tuna?

- Ah, Dave. - David.

They're trying to take a photo.

Oh, you know what? Let's just do one with everybody.

- All right. Come on. Here we go. - Come on, brother.

CALVIN: Get in. Get in. All right. Good.

And...

All right, everybody say chili.

Chili!

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -