Original subtitles

Come on, here we go.

There you go.

Shh. Cut the lights.

Who's out there?

Who's out there?

You should marry a woman who can give you a family.

I'm marrying the woman I love. That's who I'm marrying.

You want children, don't lie.

I get it. I understand everything that you're saying,

everything that you're telling me,

but it doesn't make a difference to me.

It doesn't make a difference to me.

I know we talked about it before, but I am telling you right now that it is a fact.

I saw the doctor two days ago.

We can adopt 25 million babies. It doesn't matter to me.

You say that now.

Don't be stupid now.

Now just stop the car. I can walk from here.

Shelby, please.

You call it off now, we have to give back all the presents.

PlayStation Vita worth getting married for, isn't it?

Sleep on it, Jackson.

I love you.

I love you, too. That's why.

Hey, I expect to see you in the church tomorrow.

We'll both sleep on it.

You don't mean it.

Shelby!

Get back over to Aunt Laura's. You know it's bad luck to see me before the wedding.

So you are gonna marry me?

Go before my mama sees you!

Say it. Say you're gonna marry me.

Okay, she's gonna cut your thing off.

Say it.

I'm gonna marry you.

Two o'clock?

Do you want it in writing?

Two o'clock? The Methodist Church.

But how will I recognize you?

All those men in tuxedos start to look alike.

I swear I'm gonna make you happy.

We'll see.

Is this all you brought?

Where's Myrtle? Is she here?

I'm Annelle, about the job?

You want my wife.

Go on back.

Thank you.

I'm real sorry I woke up your husband.

Don't apologize for getting him off the couch.

I've been trying for weeks.

Poor man is trying to set a record.

You married, Annelle?

Yes. No. Well, yes. Only I'm here on my own.

On your own?

Well, don't you have any family in town?

No, ma'am.

Well, where you staying?

Robeline's boarding house.

I didn't hear a car.

Did you walk all that way?

Yes, ma'am.

Ruth Robeline, now there's a story.

She's a twisted, troubled soul.

Her life's been an experiment in terror.

Husband run off with her best friend,

only son killed in Iraq.

I have to tell you, when it comes to suffering,

she's right up there with the blessed savior.

I usually get them a lot tighter.

I'm a little nervous.

You don't want them too tight.

Your technique is good.

In my class at the trade school, I was number one.

There's a apron hanging over there.

Why don't you put it on?

That is, if you want the job.

I do, very much! Thank you so much!

I'll work real hard.

Count on that.

Now if you haven't had your coffee,

grab a cup before the bride gets here,

and be prepared to be busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

Now, listen, Annelle,

my ladies only get the best.

I've never lost a client to the Kut and Kurl or the Beauty Box.

You know why?

Because your ladies get only the best?

Because I have a philosophy that I've stuck with for 15 years.

There is no such thing as natural beauty.

You think you can remember that?

There's no such thing as natural beauty.

Take one of these pills. Ignorant man.

Just take one of the pills.

One of the pills!

Come on, look at me, look at me. Take a pill, take a pill.

Thurman, Thurman, get back here!

Yes, I need to speak to Myrtle.

Well, then I'll hold.

Mama. Mama, this color is drying way too dark.

It looks like a stuck pig bled all over my hands.

Look up in my bathroom. I'm sure I have something pink.

It has to be delicate.

Okay, well, if I don't have something,

we'll send one of your brothers to the store.

That's a perfect idea, Mama.

I'd love to see what Tommy would pick out.

Don't put ice down my back!

You should've drowned him at birth.

Shelby, get that out of there.

Mama, my nails are wet.

Shoot.

Yes, Myrtle, it's M'Lynn.

Listen, we're short champagne glasses.

Drum, I'm on the phone!

A hundred to be safe.

I mean, there's two dozen that came broken. I swear, at least two dozen.

Thank you.

There's got to be a better way to get rid of those birds.

Well, talk to 'em. Ask 'em to please change their migratory pattern.

I'm sure they'll listen to reason.

You the one told him to send those birds packing.

Well, I didn't tell him to alienate our neighbors in the process.

Neighbors would be a lot more alienated

if they get covered in bird crap at my reception.

Nice talk, bridezilla.

You think Truvy has a delicate pink?

'Cause, I mean...

I'll call her. I'll call her.

Morning, Clairee.

Morning, Truvy.

You found somebody to replace Jasmine.

Just this morning.

She says she's married, but she's in town all alone.

Got a room at Ruth Robeline's.

I'd get to the bottom of this if I were you,

assuming you want to wake up tomorrow morning

still in possession of your good silver.

I just love the idea of someone with a past.

She can't be more than 19. She hasn't had time to get herself a past.

Child, it's the age of Facebook.

If you can type, you can achieve a past.

Annelle, come meet Clairee Belcher,

first lady of Chinquapin.

Former first lady.

Her late husband was our mayor.

Belcher Stadium's named after him.

Our football team voted Clairee all kinds of special titles.

I have the pom-poms to prove it.

Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you, too.

Where you from, Annelle?

Um, Zwolle.

Ooh, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

You don't have to be nervous around me, darling.

I bark, but Ouiser's the biter.

Where the sports section?

Okay.

Mama!

Mama. Ma...

What are you doing? We are so late!

I can't find my keys.

Jonathan, look upstairs. See if you can find them.

And that better not be wedding food.

I'll go.

Where's your father?

His coffee kicked in.

Sitting right on top of the dresser.

I cannot think what Sigmund Freud would say. I'm driving.

No, you know I get carsick.

You get up here. Don't trip me, Thurman.

Miss Ouiser. Back door!

Back door!

Come on. Let's see.

Drum! M'Lynn! Open up. I know y'all in there.

I think somebody's at the door!

Yeah, I think it's for daddy!

That's funny.

Ouiser!

You look like hammered doodoo.

Don't talk to me like that.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

You look like regular doodoo.

I have a bone to pick with you.

Pick it!

My vet says that all this noise you've been making off in here

the last few days has given Thurman a nervous condition

and made his hair fall out.

I had to put him on sedatives!

Your vet is a moron.

I'm not even sure he has opposable thumbs.

So if you will excuse me, I have yard work to do.

Drum, get back here!

Hey, Miss Ouiser. Leave me alone.

Hey! I'm talking to you.

Get back here!

I'll be damned, Drum. I don't know whether I'm going or coming.

Yeah, I heard you got so screwed up,

you cut your dog out of your will

and had an ungrateful nephew put to sleep.

Listen to me.

I am at the end of my rope here.

Then tie a noose in it and slip it over your head.

Whoa!

Ouiser, I don't want to have to kill you.

Boys, bring me my gun.

Do not threaten me, buster. I will call the police.

I have a zillion, trillion blackbirds to scare away before Shelby's reception.

If I don't, I got my wife to deal with,

and I make it a point never to deal with my wife.

My dog, my baby dog, is on his last legs.

What am I supposed to do with the poor thing?

Make him a weave, serve him up on toast.

It's all the same to me.

You coming to Shelby's reception looking like that?

You going straight to hell.

Maybe you should scare off the birds and save me the trouble.

Thomas Drummond Eatenton, did you get these magnolias off my tree?

The judge hasn't decided who exactly owns that tree.

I don't need a judge to tell me what's mine.

Shut up, chuckleheads.

Now where is the other thing you were talking about, cuppa, cuppa, cuppa?

No, this one's kind of mauve, don't you think?

Cup of flour, cup of sugar, cup of fruit cocktail

with the juice, mix, bake at 350 till gold and bubbly.

What are your colors, honey?

It's blush and bashful.

Sounds awfully rich.

Her colors are pink and pink.

I just serve it over ice cream to cut the sweetness.

My colors are blush and bashful.

They are two different shades of pink.

One is much deeper than the other one,

even if some people cannot see it.

This is so exciting!

I feel like I'm present at the creation.

There's something so wondrous about a way a bride looks.

Ooh, wait till you see the church!

All the walls are banked with sprays of flowers

in the two different shades of blush and bashful.

And there's a pink carpet laid out especially for the service.

Ooh, ooh, and pink silk bunting draped over anything that'll stand still.

The sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down in Pepto-Bismol.

I like pink. Pink is my signature color.

I think Annelle can roll you up.

Are you sure? It's such a special day.

I'm sure you'll do a beautiful job.

It don't matter what I look like anyway.

Doesn't your dress have to go over your head?

Girl, you cannot screw up her style.

Just as long as you give her that long "flow to the floor" look,

then you've got nothing to worry about.

She's always worn it the same way.

Didn't we decide you were gonna wear your hair up?

We decided to have braids.

Well, up is better with the veil.

Yes, but Jackson likes my hair down because he says it looks sexy.

He sounds real romantic.

Well, he does give me flowers and presents, if I beg him enough.

Aww. The last romantic thing Spud did

was enclose this carport so I could help with the mortgage.

corresponding toed to the number of years that ewe've been married.

That's a real sweet idea.

It was mine, but I didn't charge him for it.

Jackson's a good catch, Shelby.

Yeah, I thought he was a pest at first,

but somehow, he just grew on me.

And now I can't imagine my life without him.

That's how it was with me and Lloyd.

We missed it to 40 years by three months, the stinker.

Bless his heart, he tried.

Well, at least he hung on through the state playoffs.

Hey.

Just to grow old together and sit on the back porch,

shouting at a bunch of misbehaving grandkids,

that's my dream.

It's good to see a pretty girl at the starting gate

just as I'm crossing the finish line.

There are still good times ahead, Miss Clairee!

The season's coming.

I do love football.

I don't know if I can parlay LSU into a raison d'etre.

One good thing about marrying a lawyer

is you'll never have to work.

Lawyers do well whether they want to or not.

I'm not just going to quit nursing just because I can.

I'm sure Jackson don't want to see you on your feet all day.

I'm just so anxious to discuss this topic for the 900th time this week.

It's not just me. Your father agrees.

Miss Truvy, would you mind turning up the music?

It just takes the pressure off having to talk so much.

Seen my gun?

Come on, get off your butt and help me find it.

Full body search!

Get off of me!

What's wrong with you? Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Save it for the battlefield, son.

Look what we need is a weapon of mass destruction.

I said I was tired, and Jackson swore

he was taking me straight home.

Girl, please, tell the truth.

We drove down to the lake.

Nothing like moonlight on that water.

And I dared him to go skinny-dipping.

We did things that frightened the fish.

That's all I'm gonna say. Shelby, please.

That's all I'm saying!

It's been a long time since we had a youngster in the place.

We just talked and talked and talked.

I love those kind of talks in the arms of the man you love.

Yeah. Well, then we got into a big fight,

and I told him the wedding was off.

You told him what?

Why would you do a thing like that?

No, we worked it out.

Shelby. Now, that was not a nice thing to do to your mama.

You should never say things like that to a woman

who's marinating 50 pounds of crab claws.

I don't know if I mind a fight.

Making up can be extremely romantic if memory serves.

You and Spud aren't fighting anymore?

He'd have to get up off the couch first.

I tell him he's not the only one who can't find work these days.

But how does that help?

He just sits there, sleeping with his eyes open,

staring at the TV.

He should talk to somebody, Truvy.

Spud, see a shrink?

Come on, honey. Shelby, just hold your head up.

Stop it.

Shelby?

Shelby?

I'll get some juice.

Truvy, I got some candy in my purse.

Shelby, hold on, baby.

I got some peppermint right here.

All right, here. Here's peppermint.

Shelby, hang on, honey.

Clairee's getting you some juice.

Should I get her a cookie?

No, no, no, juice is better. Here's the juice.

Here. Stop it, Mama!

Drink. Drink the juice.

Drink the juice, baby. No.

No!

Stop it, Mama, I got candy in my purse.

You didn't bring your purse today, honey. Here.

- No, no! - Come on.

All this damn wedding nonsense and running around.

I'm gonna leave if you don't leave me alone.

I'd like to see you try.

Shelby, cooperate, please.

Just drink the juice, baby.

Come on.

That's it.

There we go.

That's a start.

Excuse me, should I call a doctor or something?

She's diabetic.

That one hit her quick.

Yeah, she definitely got too much insulin, that's all.

Father God.

That Dr. Michoud like to broke her heart Tuesday.

With her chronic kidney condition, having babies is out of the question.

She dreaded telling Jackson.

Don't you talk about me like I'm not here.

Yeah, yeah, she's making sense now.

See, it's not so bad.

You just need a little bit more juice.

- Can I do something? - Should I...

No, no, no. No, she'll be fine in just a minute.

She probably won't remember anything.

Don't make a fuss. Shelby hates a fuss. Come on, baby.

I'm so sorry about the doctor's visit, M'Lynn.

She kept asking, "What is Jackson gonna say?"

He said, "Shelby, don't be stupid.

"There's plenty of kids who need good homes.

"We'll adopt 10 of them.

"We'll buy them if we have to."

That Jackson sounds like good people to me.

If he's dumb enough to marry me, I guess I should grab him.

Gosh...

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Mama.

Just finish your juice.

There we go.

This is it.

I have found it. I'm in hell.

Thurman, be quiet!

I couldn't leave him at home. He'd tear that place up.

Morning, Ouiser.

Don't try to get on my good side.

I no longer have one.

This is the biter I told you about.

Lowlifes.

I used to think you were crazy for marrying that man.

Then, for a while, I thought,

she a glutton for punishment.

Now I realize

you are on a mission from God.

Your man threatened to put a bullet through my head.

He is shooting blanks, Miss Ouiser.

Drum would never aim a gun at a lady.

He a real gentleman.

I bet you he takes the dishes out the sink before he pees in it.

Who the hell are you?

Annelle. Annelle? That's it?

Like Beyonce? Annelle Dupuy.

She graduated top of her class.

I'm real lucky to have her.

I know everybody, and I am sure I don't know any Dupuys.

That your family name, or are you married?

I don't know.

I mean, I'm not sure.

These are not difficult questions.

The police say that my marriage may not be legal.

The police?

Well, what does your husband say?

Nothing, since he disappeared last week.

Disappeared?

Hell, you better drag the river.

What you mean he disappeared? Where'd he go?

All the money's gone and the car and my gold earrings,

the ones that belonged to my grandma.

He's in big trouble with the law.

Well, I should think so.

Well, what did he do?

Drugs is what the police said.

All my clothes were in the trunk of that car.

Checks are bouncing everywhere.

It can't get much worse.

Yes, it can. Just you wait.

Men are the most horrible creatures.

They'll ruin your life.

Honey, you should've said something.

Am I fired?

No, you're not fired. Is she, Truvy?

Of course not.

I was afraid I wouldn't get hired if you knew, and I need a job so bad.

I swear that my personal tragedy

will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.

It better not.

There's no doubt in my mind.

You've been through such a terrible time, and you're so brave.

What's your dress size, Annelle?

You know, I bet you I've got some clothes that'll fit you just fine.

I want you to come to my wedding reception.

I don't know.

Yes. Now, look, I can't stand the thought of anybody being unhappy

or alone today, so, you know,

if you feel yourself getting sad, just watch my husband dance.

You'll get the giggles. I know I do.

It's gonna be a great party.

Okay, let 'er rip.

Bye-bye, blackbird.

What the hell?

My Lord, that's your place.

Lord, I hope nobody got hurt.

Miss Ouiser, call him, please.

He's gonna eat daddy alive.

Come on, Ouiser, call your dog. You know he'll listen to you.

Miss Ouiser, please, it is my wedding day.

Please just say something to your dog.

Thurman, kill!

Kill, Thurman!

I hope the rain holds off.

This is perfect weather for me.

On cloudy days, I feel God's not trying very hard,

so I don't have to either.

I don't function when it's hot.

She does sweat profusely.

Thank you, Mama.

Heat never bothers me. I love it.

But spicy food makes me sweat,

especially on top of my head.

M'Lynn.

You were right. I should've worn my hair up.

No, it's perfect.

M'Lynn.

Good.

There we go. Okay.

Drum?

It's time.

Drum.

Too many firecrackers. Not good for hearing.

It's time.

Go ahead now.

All right.

There you go.

Beautiful.

Am I talking too loud?

No, Daddy, you're just fine.

Who gives this woman in marriage?

Her mother and I do.

The rings, please.

Thank you.

What can I get you?

Nothing. No, thanks.

It's free.

Um, I don't know.

Come on, what will it be?

Can you make a cherry Coke?

Aww.

I miss Lloyd.

You miss being the mayor's wife.

No, we had good times together.

It's no fun going out by myself.

Then stay at home.

If I go out with another couple, I'm a third wheel.

If I go out with you, we just a couple of old biddies.

Speak for yourself.

Please eat some of the groom's cake.

Nobody's eating it.

Jackson's aunt made the cake in the shape of a giant armadillo.

I can't even think how she made gray icing.

Come on, please.

Hell, come on.

Wanna dance?

No.

You go ahead.

Are we supposed to eat this?

Hey, Ouiser.

I'm not talking to you. And I mean it.

Truce.

Come on, Ouiser. Cut me a slice.

Nothing like a good piece of ass.

Having fun?

Belle might need a neck brace.

That's a lot of hair up on top of her head.

Ooh!

I'm surprised at you, talking about your kin like that.

You know what they say.

If you can't say something nice about somebody, come stand next to me.

The mayor's wife and she doesn't even bother to put on Spanx.

Looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket.

I haven't left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was 14.

That's 'cause you were raised right.

Hey. You're not leaving, are you?

I just moved here. I don't really know anybody.

A party's how you meet people.

Sammy.

Nice to meet you...

Annelle.

Two Ns, two Ls, with an E.

Well, if you stick around a little longer,

I can give you a ride, Annelle with an E.

That's okay. I like to walk.

You sure? It's no problem.

It was nice meeting you.

Your brothers are going to miss you.

I will not miss them.

Please.

That little Annelle looked sweet in your dress.

Tell her she can keep it.

And give her anything else I left in my closet.

I hope she had a good time.

We don't know how lucky we all are.

I know how lucky I am.

Let Jackson take care of you.

I'm gonna make him wait on me hand and foot.

I mean it.

There's no shame in adopting.

I'd rather not talk about it, Mama.

What happens in my life now is between Jackson and me.

We'll take care of each other.

But you heard what I said.

I'm not stupid.

Well, if you was smart, you'd quit work.

Promise you won't bring that up every time you call me.

I ain't gonna call.

Not gonna be one of those mothers.

Check your email every day.

Don't you dare cry.

I'm not.

I'ma strangle the both of y'all.

Take care of my baby, all right?

Bye-bye!

M'Lynn!

Ooh!

Do you wanna give me a heart attack?

It's too early. Come back to bed.

You want your breakfast in bed?

Can I see the menu?

Wait, wait. Where you going?

I'm hungry.

You're always hungry. You're gonna get fat.

You bet I am. It's more of me to love.

There's plenty right there right now.

Come on, get up. We're only visiting mama for a few days.

You just gonna leave?

You do this every year.

You do know the whole point of a tree-trimming party

is for the guests to do the trimming?

And have it end up lopsided?

We have grapefruit, right?

Shelby, fill this up for me, baby, would you?

Where's daddy?

He went for his walk.

How long you think he'll be?

I don't know.

Sometimes he likes to stop for coffee at the firehouse.

What's wrong?

We heard back from another agency.

Soon as they get a peek at my medical records,

I'm "not optimal."

You know, Shelby, if it's a question of money...

We decided not to adopt.

We don't have to.

I'm two months pregnant.

I wanted to tell you and daddy at the same time,

but I can't seem to get the two of you alone together, so...

Mama, say something.

I'm gonna have a baby.

Yes, I heard you.

Is that? Is that all you're gonna say?

How about "congratulations"?

Look, you have to help me plan.

We're gonna get a new house.

Jackson and I are going house-hunting next week.

You know Jackson loves to hunt, so...

Does Jackson ever listen?

I mean, when you get advice from doctors and specialists...

I know you don't like to listen, but does he?

I guess since he ain't carrying the baby, he's not so concerned.

Shh! Mama, he gonna hear you.

Nobody hears me.

Diabetics have healthy babies all the time.

Not with chronic kidney disease.

I found a doctor in Monroe who specializes in high-risk birth.

And he already sent me to a dietician and an eye doctor.

And, look, I got the best baby nurse in the world...

Me!

I'm back on tight control. I... I'm...

You already had twice as many glucose reactions...

Mama, I'm checking my levels 10 times a day.

There's limits to what you can do.

Jackson's so excited.

He says he doesn't care whether it's a boy or a girl,

but I'm guessing, deep down, he wants a boy.

Jackson Junior.

I need a child of my own.

I see.

Wish you could be happy.

Your poor body has been through so much.

Does he know what he's asking?

He didn't ask. It was my decision.

I don't believe that for a minute.

You want to be the only one to tell me what I can and can't do.

You just ready to spit nails because you don't call the shots.

You know what? It's just like the tree.

Nobody can trim it but you.

Nobody says what goes where but you.

You no longer have any say-so in my life, Mama,

and you know it, and you can't stand it.

I didn't raise my daughter to talk to me that way.

Shelby.

Shelby!

No, I don't want the doctor on call.

I want to speak to Dr. Miller.

It's important. It's about my daughter.

Thank you.

Let it be, M'Lynn.

She told you.

I want her to see Dr. Miller before she goes.

She's got her doctor in Monroe. She's going to be fine.

You don't know that.

Who said she couldn't get a driver's license?

I don't want to play this game.

Who said?

I did.

Not one accident. Who said she couldn't go camping with the scouts?

You never want to be the bad guy.

And you're always looking for the worst to happen.

Only so it won't.

I could kill Jackson right now.

It's my experience that Eatenton women got veto power.

Come.

You think you're too young to be grandma, is that it?

Shut up, Drum.

We won't let that kid call you grandma.

We gonna come up with some cute name like "mee-mee."

Moo-moo. Mee-mee, moo-moo.

All right, all right. Stop it.

You made that all by yourself?

Yes. The Baptist bookstore in Shreveport had a fire sale last month.

They had mismatched manger scenes at incredibly low prices.

I cleaned them out of their baby Jesuses,

and Sammy helped me with the tiny lights.

Baby Jesus and hair beads, that is positively inspirational.

Hi, M'Lynn. Hey, y'all. How y'all doing?

Look, I just need my usual real quick.

I got a lot more cooking to do for tonight.

Ouiser, you're still gonna bring by your shrimp meat pies, right?

I certainly am. All right.

Hey, Clairee.

I saw your niece, Sally Beth, won Miss Merry Christmas again,

and next year, I'm betting.

She's gonna wear that tiara till her grave.

She made me put so much hairspray on her,

she's gonna have to dynamite it off her head.

That Sally Beth is a pretty girl.

Beauty's genetic in my family.

Empty is the head that wears the crown.

I entered the Miss Dairy Queen my senior year.

Miss Clairee, who won the title your year?

Child, please, there was no Christmas festival when I was in high school.

Jesus wasn't even born till I was a junior in college.

You've got to admit, God did a little dance around that brother of yours.

Drew is so successful.

That little Miss Merry Christmas and Marshall are perfect.

That Belle doesn't have a care in the world.

I'm not so sure about that.

Yep, yeah, every family has its issues.

But Belle and I want to expose ourselves to a little bit more culture

that's not easy to come by in this neck of the woods,

so we're thinking about a theater trip to New York...

...and, Ouiser, you should come.

I'm not exposing myself to anything.

Why not? It would benefit you to broaden your horizons.

You broaden your horizons your way, I'll broaden mine my way.

I'm gonna get my colors done. Your what?

See, every person has a particular coloring, summer, spring, so on.

You determine what season you are,

and then you know what colors look best on you.

It's most helpful when you go shopping.

It gives you fashion courage, like Miss Michelle Obama.

You wear purple with everything.

I don't know how much more courage you need.

I am going to go support the arts.

I support the arts. I just don't want to see 'em.

It's not going to change the shape of your top lip, Ouiser.

Let's get one thing straight, I do not go to plays,

because I can nap at home for free.

I don't see movies, because they all trash and full of naked people.

And I don't read books, because if they're any good,

they're gonna be made into a miniseries.

All right, Miss Ouiser, why don't you support this?

Truvy, I'm so sorry. It's...

There's pennies on the counter.

Just stick one in the fuse box.

There's an overload of goodness.

No, Shelby had to do a littlet last-minute shopping.

You know Shelby does what she wants when she wants.

Shelby and that Jackson look so happy together.

You can't help but smile at two people in love.

Smile? They need to get a room.

She just wants to spread it around, Ouiser, that's all.

Like manure.

Isn't it something?

Yeah, it's something.

Excuse me just a second.

Spud.

Rolly Bassett got the contract.

His bid was $6,000 under mine.

$6,000.

He owns his own equipment. I don't.

We don't have to go to M'Lynn's tonight.

I got some fried shrimp. We could have a picnic on the dock.

Watch the fireworks?

No, you go ahead to M'Lynn's. I'm happy right here.

You always love the fireworks.

I've seen them, Truvy. Go ahead.

Spud... Get off my back, Truvy.

Please.

Hi, Shelby.

How are you?

Hey, what's up? Merry Christmas. You look beautiful.

M'Lynn just threw me out of the kitchen.

She said she didn't need my help.

Does she seem kind of touchy to you?

'Tis the season. Show some Christmas spirit.

I got so much Christmas spirit, I could spit tinsel.

Hell, I decorated my yard.

"Keep off the grass" signs are not Christmas decorations, Ouiser.

They're bordered in holly.

We'll be right back.

After the marriage was annulled, I was a real Jezebel,

drinking, smoking, staying out all hours.

And now she a regular church lady.

She got a steady beau, praise the Lord.

I did Miss Ouiser's wig. You like it?

Yeah, I do, and so will my surprise guest.

I've invited somebody who remembers you fondly.

Must be someone with dementia.

An old beau?

Guess. I do not play games, little girl.

Remember Owen Jenkins?

Blast from the past! Where'd you find him?

Monroe.

But he's moving back here, and he's widowed.

I can't say that I do recall any Jerkins.

Jenkins. She's lying.

Miss Shelby, I managed, in just a few decades,

to marry the two most worthless men in the universe,

then proceeded to have three of the most ungrateful children ever conceived.

The only reason people are nice to me

is because I got more money than God.

I am not about to open up a new can of worms.

Now, you know that negative attitude M'Lynn told you about.

You need to talk to someone at the guidance center.

I'm not crazy.

I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.

Hello, Louisa.

You recognize me?

Hello, Owen.

Did you shrink?

You look terrific. You've hardly changed at all.

Well, I'm not as sweet as I used to be.

Daddy's waiting on you for the Christmas toast.

All right, I'll be right down.

I'm sorry about this morning. I...

I didn't mean...

I know you want me to be happy.

It's what you always said, to me, to Jonathan, to Tommy. You said...

You said, "Just be happy. That's all I want for my kids." Isn't that right?

What makes me happy is having this baby.

Yes, I know.

I just wish you could be happy.

I wish...

I don't know what I wish.

As long as we're alive, there's risk for every one of us.

Things happen.

And you get through, and life goes on.

I mean, you're the one, you...

You convinced me I could do anything I set my heart on.

I set my heart on this, Mama.

I want it.

I would rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful

than a lifetime of nothing special.

Excuse me.

Hey.

If I could just take a moment...

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Peace on earth and good, tall women!

Really, Drum?

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's more, there's more.

Today, my daughter told me a big secret.

Shelby, come up here.

"Secret" being the operative word.

Shh, shh, shh!

I ain't gonna tell them you pregnant.

I'm just gonna say, I'm gonna be a grandpa!

My God.

To Jackson and Shelby.

To Jackson and Shelby.

No wonder you're acting so funny all day.

I'd bust if I'd had to keep a secret like that.

Congratulations, grandmommy.

Thanks, Clairee.

And the doctors said she couldn't have children. Now, what do they know?

The doctor said she shouldn't have children.

It's a big difference.

This baby's not exactly great news, is it?

You okay?

M'Lynn, she'll be fine.

It's what she wants.

I wish I had the right words for you.

Truvy's dry. Now there's a first.

I suggest we focus on the joy of the situation.

I agree.

Your first grandchild.

How about that?

Well, people with diabetes have healthy babies all the time.

This is one of those times.

I can feel it in my bones.

I'd put my money on those bones.

I'm in.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Yeah!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm here.

Okay.

Okay, just breathe, breathe. Breathe.-

You're doing great, baby.

You're doing great.

Yeah. I know, I'm good, I'm good.

Yeah, give me that baby.

Come here.

Hi.

Hi.

Make a wish.

Wait, wait, wait for his mama to get... Here you go. Okay.

Come on, buddy. It's like a duck whistle, just...

Make a wish, baby, come on.

Like this.

You are scaring the baby!

Hey... Hey, now.

I want to cut my hair.

Today.

Now. You think Truvy could fit me in?

Munchkin.

Anybody knock on my door after dark,

and I'd have been screaming, calling 911.

At my age, a knock after dark is a dream come true.

When I saw my nephew's face, it was a major letdown.

I think it's awful of Drew to throw his son out of the house.

My brother can be a hothead.

And you know Marshall, he marches in from New York, unexpected,

without so much as a hello.

"Mama, Daddy, they found a tumor in my brain. I have six weeks to live."

Naturally, they were hysterical. Naturally.

And then he says, "Calm down, I'm just joking.

"The real news is, I'm gay."

But that's a relief, isn't it?

It apparently was not.

Drew got to carrying on, throwing wet shrimp.

I adore Marshall.

We stayed up half the night talking.

Wow.

I did what you wanted, didn't I?

Yes, you know, you did a beautiful job. It's just...

Mama?

Come here, baby.

It's perfect.

It's gonna look so cute when it's wet. It's gonna curl right up.

Don't your mama look pretty? Look at your mama.

Bless his little heart.

Please, honey, don't cry.

If you cry, I will, too.

No one cries alone in my presence. It's company policy.

It's adorable.

Your hair hasn't been cut that short since kindergarten.

It's very becoming.

It's chic. I may cut mine like that.

It frames your face per... Okay, okay, okay, okay, I get it.

I'm a convert, okay.

I'm gonna cut it every 25 years.

Mama, would you put him down for his nap for me?

Yeah. Look, he's tired.

Tired, baby?

Now, if you have time, I would love a manicure and a pedicure,

and mama's gonna have one, too.

I don't need one. Yes, you do.

Well, maybe I'll add a sauna and call this place a spa.

Amen.

Amen.

Annelle, could you please fill the tub for a pedicure?

Okay.

- Was she praying? - Yes.

Why? Got me.

Maybe she was praying for Drew and Marshall.

Maybe she was praying for us because we're gossiping.

Maybe she was praying 'cause her panties are too tight.

Who knows?

But she prays at the drop of a hat.

She's born again and saved.

- Since when? - Since Mardi Gras.

She had a choice of going for a Bible weekend with her Sunday school class,

or going to New Orleans with me and two other sinners.-

She left that Friday a pleasant, well-adjusted young lady.

She came back on Tuesday a vessel of the Lord.

Well, what's her boyfriend got to say about it?

Poor Sammy.

He's so confused, he don't know whether

to scratch his watch or wind his butt.

He's crazy about her. He says he can compete with a suitor,

but how's he gonna fight off the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost?

So is Marshall gonna stay with you now?

Yeah, until he goes back to New York. Okay.

He's lonely, is my guess. He needs to get out and meet someone.

I asked him, "When you meet a guy, how can you tell that he's... You know?"

He says, "All gay men have accent lighting."

No! What?

"And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve."

That boy likes to pull my leg. Accent lighting!

Good morning. Hi, Miss Ouiser.

What's so funny?

Clairee over here telling us about accent lighting.

I love mine. It highlights my new artwork.

Since when do you have accent lighting?

About three weeks. It's all in the foyer and up the stairs.

It was my grandson's idea.

Which grandson? Steve.

Whoo! You look right chipper this morning, Ouiser.

What, you run over a small child or something?

This is a gracious plenty. You don't have to give me all of them.

You know, I try not to eat healthy food if I can help it.

The sooner this body wears out, the better off I'll be.

I can't get enough grease into my diet.

Then why grow them?

Because I'm an old Southern lady,

and we're supposed to put on funny-looking hats

and grow vegetables in the dirt.

I don't make the rules, Annelle.

And speaking of the rules,

someone has put me on the mailing list at the Riverview Baptist Church,

and now I'm getting chain letters from Christ.

They're not chain letters.

They're part of my prayer group's "reach out and touch" project.

Well, I think it is very bad taste to pray for perfect strangers.

Shelby, what have you done to yourself?

It doesn't even hurt.

M'Lynn, have you seen this? Yes, I have.

The doctor is just trying to strengthen my veins. They're in terrible shape.

You look like you've been driving nails in your arms.

What's going on?

Shall we tell them, Mama?

I guess so. No point in keeping it a secret.

Shelby has been driving nails in her arms.

It's my dialysis.

And it's no big thing.

Well, don't look at me like that.

Look, having Jack Jr. just put a strain on my kidneys,

and now they're not functioning properly. That's all. It happens.

That's all? "That's all," she says.

Do you do this dialysis forever?

Well, I suppose I could, but it's not real convenient, you know,

running back and forth, and trying to keep up with Jack Jr. and all, so,

nah, I'll just, you know, I'm just gonna have a kidney transplant

and I'll be just fine.

But is it that easy? It's real easy.

They do them all the time in Shreveport, about three, four times a week.

Yeah, she's right.

I mean, my Sunday school class was praying for one just the other day.

Well, don't you have to be on a list or something?

Like, don't they have to find a kidney?

They always find one, Ouiser.

Medical teams, they fly all over the country in helicopters,

bringing people livers and hearts and kidneys and such.

And the most impressive thing,

is they carry those organs in their beer coolers.

Stop.

I saw it on the news.

Those doctors, they take out those six packs,

and they throw in some dry ice and a heart, and off they go.

Well, do you know how long you have to wait?

Is there something that we can do?

Can we get your name on top of a list or something?

Well, you see, I'm real lucky, because I don't have to wait but for one more day.

Mama is gonna give me one of hers.

We check in on Sunday. Surgery's first thing Monday morning.

- M'Lynn. - What?

The whole family got tested. I'm just glad I was the best match.

Drum's kidney might as well be a distillery,

and the boys are just too young.

Best thing about it is, I'm gonna come up out of there with a smaller waistline.

They've got to remove two ribs to get at my kidney.

Well, the supermodels do it all the time.

First thing Monday morning,

and y'all haven't mentioned it.

Well, my part's easy. Mama's the one having major surgery.

M'Lynn, you are brave.

How's Drum taking all this?

You know Drum gets emotional at the slightest thing.

Well, we'll make sure he has enough food, and Ouiser'll keep him calm.

Count on me.

And when you wake up, I'll be sitting right by your side.

Yours, too, Shelby.

Annelle, do you think that I could please have my hair?

You see, I just had it my whole life.

Just seems kind of wrong to throw it out. Is that weird?

I'll get a bag.

You've had your kidney your whole life.

You gonna bring that home in a bag, too?

Well, you know, now that you just gave me that idea, I just might.

Ouiser!

This is no laughing matter.

I'm guessing there's been enough tears.

I shouldn't have said that.

Yeah, that was disgusting. Bringing home a kidney in a bag.

Before that, when I said that I'd be better off when my body wears out.

I feel so ashamed I said that in front of Shelby.

You know I didn't mean that.

Ouiser, nobody pays attention to you.

Well, I feel bad. I'm a terrible person.

Ouiser! You'd give your damn dog a kidney if he needed one.

Hell. Was there a sale on beans?

This is supposed to be a gesture.

We're not feeding him till the end of time.

Drum loves pork and beans. Now, he eats it with everything.

Well, that explains a lot.

Come on, Ouiser. Let's sort this stuff out and get over to M'Lynn's.

That ain't funny.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, look, look, no more transplant jokes.

Daddy doesn't like it.

Okay, okay. Um, mom, do you have any. Um, internal organs?

Okay, I gotta put the little one to bed.

Aw, come on. So much for our card game. What now?

Hey, come here.

Pick something old. Black and white.

Nothing dirty.

Night, Daddy.

Love you. You'll like this one, Dad.

Classic black and white, no nudity.

A Tale Of Two Kidneys.

Come here!

I'm picking the movie.

Nah, let ma pick. It's her night.

I don't care, long as there ain't no zombies in it.

Who want a sandwich?

Tuna with cheese!

With everything. Thank you, Mom.

Okay. Thank you.

M'Lynn, can I help with something?

No, I got this.

You can help Shelby with the baby.

What you're doing for Shelby, for us,

it's just...

I'm so grateful.

Shelby's my daughter.

I wish it was me going in with her tomorrow.

A man can't help his blood type.

I didn't ask Shelby to have a baby.

M'Lynn?

I believe you.

I just wanted her to be happy.

You want to blame me for something, blame me for that.

I should've said no. I should've been a man and said no.

And if you had, where would Jack Jr. be?

Don't go wishing that boy away.

No, ma'am.

I just... I just can't lose her.

Mayo or mustard?

Mustard.

Thank you.

Baby.

Thank you.

Annelle! You coming to this church?

Well, God hears us wherever we are.

I wanted to be here for M'Lynn and Shelby.

Ouiser?

What brings you here?

Shut up.

Anything new in your life?

I can report that the Sherwood Florist delivery truck stops

by her house at least twice a week.

I like fresh flowers.

And I can report

that a strange car is parked in her garage at least once a week.

There, my secret's out. I'm having an affair with a Mercedes-Benz.

We are in the house of the Lord.

Tell them.

Before we begin,

please join me in prayer for our sister M'Lynn and her daughter Shelby,

who'll be undergoing surgery tomorrow at St. Vincent's.

Dear Lord of mercy, we turn to you in times of need.

Please send a healing word today to our good friends

and restore them to full health. Amen.

Amen.

Ooh. Ouiser, forgive me.

I've been dying to ask you this.

Are you and Owen, you know?

Wait, I'm trying to get the mental picture.

Oof, now it won't go away.

A dirty mind's a terrible thing to waste, Clairee.

And, not that it's anybody's business, but no, we are friends.

He would like more.

I'm dealing with that. Yeah, I'm old. I'm set in my ways.

You are playing hard to get!

At her age, she ought to be playing "beat the clock."

I think I gotta go again.

They weren't lying when they said these

things would make our kidneys go 90 miles an hour.

Wait... Mama, Mama, wait.

Mama, wait. Wait, wait, wait. What are we doing?

I can't let you do this. There has to be some other way.

Hush. I can't do this to you.

Hush now. Come on, stop it.

Shelby.

Shelby, you're looking at this all wrong.

Most mothers only get a chance to give their child life once.

You're giving me the opportunity to do it twice.

I mean, I'm grateful I don't have to just stand by helpless.

I can do this for you.

It's a blessing.

Grateful for all of this?

You're a mother.

Now, suppose Jack Jr. needed a kidney.

I'd take it out myself.

That's no big deal. I got two of them. I don't need but one.

No diet caffeine-free?

I'm sorry.

Good Lord, Clairee. At your age, why do you even care?

Looks good.

Yes.

Looks real, real good.

Whoo!

I told you, man.

My God, Miss Clairee, thank you so much! I love it!

He could drive that down the street himself.

Here's the next one. Ooh, sin.

Ooh!

It's not signed.

Wait a minute, let me see this.

Please, I'd know this penmanship anywhere.

Ouiser, you have the handwriting of a serial killer.

Miss Ouiser!

Girl, I thought Sammy wouldn't mind you reading the Bible in bed

if you was wearing something inspirational.

Inspiration!

Hang on, I promised Shelby I would get her on the phone for the surprise.

She really wanted to be here, but she couldn't change her shift.

Okay. Back at work?

Part-time since the first.

Hey, baby, can you talk? Hold on, hold on.

Hi, Shelby!

Annelle, were you surprised?

Yeah, I almost fainted.

I never expected a baby shower.

I wish I could've seen it. I have to go, but congratulations.

All right, I'll see you at Thanksgiving.

All right, hold on for your mom.

Ooh, she was so surprised.

Hey, baby. Okay. All right, now kiss Jack Jr. for me. I love you.

Okay, love you, Mama. I gotta go.

Better keep a close eye on Baby Berlin here.

She had a hard delivery.

Just gonna take my...

You off?

Jack Jr. has been waiting all day

for this.

That is killer cute! I know.

I'm teaching him how to say "trick or treat." Or something close to it.

Maternity.

Sounds like Spud's home.

Guess so.

Why don't you go on in? We can finish this up.

No, thanks.

No.

When you work a seven-day stretch on a offshore oil rig,

seems like the only thing you want to do on your day off is sleep.

It's such a hard life.

It's killing him.

But it's work, and he needs it.

But I think I will go say hi before he turns into Rip Van Winkle.

Shelby!

Shel!

Hey, hey.

Shelby! Shelby! Shel!

Hello. 911, I have an emergency at 70 Lake Shore Drive.

70 Lake Shore Drive!

Come on, Shelby. Wake up. Wake up, baby.

Come on, Shelby. Wake up, honey.

Shelby, come on, baby, wake up.

Wake up for mama. Come on now.

Jackson is here, your daddy's here, your brothers are here.

Come on now, Jackson really misses you. Wake up, sweetie.

I bet that feels better?

I hooked my baby up.

There we go.

Ma, it might do you some good to get out for a little while.

What if she wakes up for two minutes and I'm not here?

I'm so sorry.

No. No.

Call Connolly's Funeral Home. They're real nice.

And, um,

you need to get her pink suit,

the one with the cherries on the...

So we do not lose heart.

Though our outer self is wasting away,

our inner self is being renewed day by day,

for this light, momentary affliction is preparing for us

an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison

as we look not to the things that are seen,

but to the things that are unseen,

for the things that are seen are transient,

but the things that are unseen are eternal.

It's her.

Hi, M'Lynn. Hey, darling.

Hello, everybody.

Truvy, can you make some quick magic?

I know I look like 10 miles of dirt road.

Let me get my magic wand and my fairy dust.

How you doing, honey?

Fine. I'm more worried about Drum.

Thank you.

Miss M'Lynn, it should make you feel better that Shelby's with her King.

Yes, Annelle. I guess it should.

We should all be rejoicing.

Well, you go ahead.

Miss M'Lynn, I didn't mean to upset you by saying that.

You see, when things like this happen,

I pray real hard to make heads or tails of it,

and I think, in Shelby's case,

she wanted to take care of that baby, of you, of everybody,

and her poor body just got worn out.

It wouldn't let her do everything that she wanted to do.

So she went on to a place where she could be a guardian angel

and she'll always be young, and she'll always be beautiful.

And I personally feel safer knowing that she's up there on my side.

I know I might sound real simple and stupid.

And maybe I am,

but that's just how I get through things like this.

Thank you, Annelle.

I appreciate that.

And it's a very good idea.

Shelby, as you know, would not want us to

be all mired down and wallow in this thing.

She would want us to deal with it the best way we know how

and get on with it.

That's what my mind says.

I wish somebody would explain that to my heart.

Drum said you never left her side.

Well, I didn't much feel like playing tennis.

No, I couldn't leave my Shelby.

I stayed there.

I kept pushing, just as I always have when it concerns Shelby.

I was hoping she would sit up and argue with me.

Then we all realized that there was no hope.

I was very afraid I wouldn't survive

the first few minutes after they turned those machines off.

Drum couldn't take it. He left.

Jackson couldn't take it. He left.

Struck me as ironic.

I mean, ain't men supposed to be,

you know, made of steel?

But I stayed there,

just holding my baby's hand.

There was no trembling,

no noise,

just peace.

I realize, as a mother, how lucky I was.

I was there when this wonderful person drifted into this world,

and I was there when she drifted out.

It was the most precious moment of my life thus far.

That's great, Truvy.

Can't tell what's going on on the insides.

But your hair is holding up beautifully.

Shelby was right.

I always get my hair done the same way.

Honey.

Are you all right?

Yes. Yes!

Yes, I'm all right.

I could jog to Texas and back, but my daughter can't.

She can't. She never could.

I'm so mad, I don't know what to do.

How is that baby ever going to know how wonderful his mama was?

Will he ever know what she went through for him?

It's not supposed to be like this.

Lord, have mercy. I'm trying to understand, but I can't.

I'm supposed to go first, not her!

I was always ready to go first.

Not my baby.

I'm so mad. I'm...

I'm so mad I could... I just want to...

I want to hit somebody until they feel as bad as I do.

I just want to hit.

I just want to... I want to hit something.

I want to hit it, and I want to hit it hard.

Hit this.

Go ahead, M'Lynn, slap her.

Go ahead, M'Lynn, slap her.

Are you crazy?

Hit her.

Are you high?

Clairee, have you lost your mind?

We could sell t-shirts saying, "I slapped Ouiser Boudreaux."

Hit her!

Miss Clairee, enough.

This is your chance to do something for your fellow man.

Let go of me!

Knock her lights out!

You missed it! You missed it.

You missed the chance of a lifetime.

You are a harpy from hell. Go.

I'll admit, I'll admit. I laughed.

But Miss Clairee, that wasn't a very Christian thing to do.

Annelle, honey, you're gonna have to lighten up.

My husband says the same thing.

No, it was just getting too heavy in here, and we needed to laugh.

Ouisy, you know I love you more than I love my luggage.

Yeah, you are too bent for color TV.

My Lord.

I'm... I'm sorry I went on like that.

I've gotten everybody crying up in here.

I'm sorry, Ouiser.

Don't ever be sorry for anything in here.

I gonna get on out of here. Y'all crazy.

Shelby would've had a good time in here today.

I'm sure she did.

I'm praying for you. Drum, too.

If you need anything, call.

And if her line's busy, call me.

Yes, Annelle, I pray.

There, I said it.

I hope you're satisfied.

I wanted to ask Miss M'Lynn.

Sammy and I want to name the baby Shelby,

since she's the reason we met in the first place.

Do you think she'll mind?

Mind?

She'd be tickled pink.

As long as we're alive, there's risk for .

Things happen.

And you get through, and life goes on.

I would rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful

than a lifetime of nothing special.