Original subtitles

Back home they called the prison ''the yellow house''.

Sometimes when we kids played in the streets,

we used to take a look at the dark and silent bars on the high windows.

Full of awe we'd say: ''Poor buggers!...''

Here we are on our own once again.

This is all so slow, so heavy, so sad...

l shall be old soon. Then it will all be over.

So many people have come into this bedroom.

They said things that didn't mean much to me.

They left. They grew old.

Became slow and miserable, each one in his own corner of the world.

RECOLLECTlONS OF THE YELLOW HOUSE

a Portuguese comedy by Jo�o C�sar Monteiro

Scenography

Editors

Cinematography

Sound

Music by

Producers

Written and directed by

l couldn't sleep a wink tonight.

My body is full of red blisters.

l scratch myself with the tips of my fingers,

very lightly, to avoid breaking the skin.

lf l use my nails... as l'm tempted to, l'm done for.

It was around three in the morning when l went out.

My head was throbbing inside. l couldn't stand it any longer.

l could still feel them crawling all over me,

rubbing their little legs together in delight.

l tried not to disturb a single pubic hair and, all of a sudden, wham!

Switching on the light, l shook my sheets

and started searching like crazy all over my bed.

Not one. Not even one at last, squashed between my nails

squirting blood all over.

The cowards only dare to come out in the dark.

And even so, they probably come out camouflaged,

masked by the dust that gathers in the mouldy corners of the room.

l'd put a match to it and set the rotten straw mattress on fire,

and then l'd joyfully dance over the flames while listening to them

''crack, crack'' popping like popcorn in the fire.

The dampness from the river soaked me to the bones.

l no longer heard the toll of the Cathedral bells.

l ran out of smokes, which was actually the worst thing of all.

The itching no longer bothered me much,

except on the backs of my hands.

The burning in my balls only started later, at daybreak,

if l'm not mistaken.

l was in a rage for l don't know how long.

There wasn't a soul in sight,

not even a car-thief for me to have a chat with and swipe a smoke from.

Finally, l spotted an open bakery.

l ate too fast on an empty stomach, as usual.

l've got a packet of butter hidden in my room.

l bet the old bitch

will never find it, even if she turns the place upside down.

She won't catch me again:

''Mr. Jo�o, this room has one purpose only...''

The old hag found a bunch of rotten bananas

on top of my wardrobe and she went totally berserk.

l won't buy Colombian bananas again.

You buy them green and two days later they're totally rotten.

Bedbugs?

Bedbugs in my house? Don't even dream about it, Mr. Jo�o.

l didn't dream, Dona Violeta. But sometimes, in old houses...

Old houses, indeed. lt's baroque, Mr. Jo�o.

This house belonged to marquises and marchionesses and princes of Portugal.

lt's because it's old that it is coveted.

- Dona Violeta, l didn't mean to... - Foreign gentlemen and all.

Great scholars.

- l know, Dona Violeta... - Even the TV people have come here.

They want to see it? Let them. l have nothing to hide. Film all you want.

lt's always spotless no matter at what time they come.

lt takes more than polishing the furniture to feast the eye,

to keep a clean house, Mr. Jo�o. ''Clean your furniture with your eyes.''

Do you remember, Mr. Jo�o? lt's under the beds. Under the beds,

- if you excuse my bluntness - that filth really builds up.

That fluff that clings to the brooms.

- Dona Violeta, l didn't mean to... - No, no and no!

lt's out of the question.

lf by some chance that happened, the other guests would complain.

Don't forget that my Julieta's room is almost next to yours.

And so is my own.

The rooms are aired every day, they have plenty of light.

The sun shines into them all day long.

Not doubting your word, and no offence meant, but could it be an allergy?

Maybe from something you may have eaten?

- Some bug you've caught... - Homopteran insect, human parasite.

... outside or God knows where? - ''Definition including homopterans

which exude a fetid stink.''

''Mealybugs. Harlequin cabbage bug.''

''Common name of some fetid stinking homopterans

of the family of heteroptera, which feed on the sap of plants,

of which some are very common

such as those called chinch bug,

stink-bug, road-headed tick etc.

From the Latin, pulis mais...

Pulis mais foetidus?

l don't understand any of this.

Majakovski calls it Punaesia Normalia.

This will stay just between us,

so the others guests and the neighbourhood won't be alarmed.

l wouldn't want Miss Julieta shedding bitter tears of shame

now that she's nearly finished that new secretarial course

and she's all lined up for that job with the police.

How's her clarinet coming along?

lt's her passion.

And it'll do for her pocket money.

All right: This one will be replaced at once by a sponge mattress,

we will disinfect it from top to bottom with creosote.

As for you Mr. Jo�o, you'd better take all your clothes off.

Give them to me to wash,

and have a good bath. You don't need to pay now.

Then rub yourself all over with alcohol.

l wouldn't believe it if l hadn't seen the number of bugs crawling around.

lt's always busy. At this time of day, it can only be the ''ladies''!

Oh, birdie!

They've forgotten to give you your seed again.

And your water is full of feathers...

What a shame. That Violeta...

She must have gone to the market. Probably just to buy a few cabbages,

since l give her the olive oil and the salt codfish.

And it's not that cheap kind, either. lt's Norwegian and high-priced, too.

What about our American smokes?

Rest assured l haven't forgotten.

l've got some cash coming from my pension,

and l'll get you a pack later today.

Chesterfield or Lucky Strike?

lt doesn't matter, they all burn the same, right?

Are you desperate?

l'm a bit worried the bank will close.

l'm off, it's getting late.

Little pubic hair, little one...

You're such a pretty one...

Vasco, give me a filter tipped ''Portugu�s Suave'', please.

Filter tipped ''Portugu�s Suave'',

of course. - Are you limping?

lt's because of the furniture. l'm always bumping into it.

- A bit cramped, my room. - You should see mine!

l've got a real bargain for you. Emanuel got it for me.

A radio. lt runs on batteries.

Can't it be plugged into the wall? Batteries go so quickly.

Like life, which lasts only two days, even if they are long-lasting.

Stick it into a transformer and it'll be okay.

That way the old bitch won't notice?

She's a bit suspicious.

But if you hide the transformer, l'm sure you won't have any problems.

lt doesn't use much power. These radios don't use much power.

lt's a pity.

lt just proves once again that crime doesn't pay.

Don't feel remorseful. Violeta is loaded.

She's all pretence and meanness.

Don't exaggerate, Mr. Armando.

My dear Jo�o de Deus (God),

is that rheumatism or VD?

lt's something that l've got in my groin.

''Grrroin'', as they say it in Oporto.

Order a bite to eat.

l don't feel like it, Ferdinando.

My mouth is burning and eating is rather painful.

lt just goes to show that we're all decrepit.

- And how is your mother? - She's not so bad.

There's only one mother of God (Deus), don't ever forget it, son.

What do you see here?

l see a guy who vaguely resembles Bob Kennedy,

sitting between two tarts who aren't really my type.

That's him, that's our ''birdie''.

When l met him he was younger and had a beard.

That photograph was taken recently,

at a luxury restaurant in Strasbourg. What else do you see?

They look happy...

There's something of a Roman orgy in the way they look.

lt looks like they've eaten and drunk a lot.

The tart on the right

doesn't seem to notice the others though, which is natural.

She's staring at the camera but she doesn't seem bothered.

She's raising her glass and making a toast to the photographer.

What about this one?

lt's a strong picture.

So it is. Social themes are ''in'' again.

We had to work like hell to get it, though. Do you know why?

The girl wasn't pregnant. At least not noticeably so.

And the kids didn't want to wander around stark naked.

But it's a contemptible photo.

We'll do a photo montage, with a title right across the whole page.

ln red so you can't miss it: ''Skimpy''.

Wow, Ferdinando. That's good for the people.

lt's these people and these kids who grovel in the mire of crime,

that Skimpy stands for.

l want you to show the similarities and establish the contrasts.

Use a nice casual tone so everyone will think you were therein loco.

The squalid bodies on the one hand,

the lascivious arms of the Common Market tarts on the other.

lt's always been a fairly communitarian profession, Ferdinando,

even if the photo doesn't actually show anything, as you know.

No matter. lt's the readers' decision,

and who are we to ruin their expectations?

What may not be true as we sit at this table,

will become true once it's printed and made public.

Appearances are undeceiving, Ferdinando.

Blah, blah. Don't mess up your good life, son.

l need this stuff ready urgently.

l need an advance urgently. Twenty will do.

Twenty? Take five and count yourself lucky.

You'll get the rest next week when you hand in the job.

- l'm a bit short on money. - Everybody is, son.

We're all broke. Have l ever failed you?

Haven't you always been paid on time? You'll get the rest next week,

otherwise you'll spend it all and you won't do a damn thing.

May l at least keep the kids' photo?

lt's artistic. And it's asouvenir.

Revolution or Calvary?

Amazing...

... but let the devil take his pick.

Autographed and all...

''To my friend De Deus.''

The problem is that this is no Ethiopia.

What the Red Cross and all the social services didn't solve,

the gypsies did away with for good.

That's it, sonny, the gypsies didn't invent gunpowder,

but they invented track suits at a bargain price.

- There, and shove it up your ass. - What's this?

Have you been eating regularly?

l never eat at regular hours and sometimes l forget meals altogether.

Open your mouth wider. Wider.

And ever since your mouth has been like this?

l find it difficult to chew. l can only swallow liquids.

Have you had a fever?

l don't have a thermometer but l wake up with my pyjamas soaking wet.

So l guess l've been sweating at night.

But, the shivers and sore testicles, only started up this morning.

l feel like l've been beaten up.

Are you generally a healthy person?

l've never had anything serious,

but l need to have my teeth fixed. - Yes, you should see to that

as soon as possible. lt's a permanent area of infection.

- Have you had any lung problems? - Only those caused by smoking.

Are there any lung problems in your family?

l had an uncle who died of TB in the Aljube jail. The humidity, they said.

- Did you serve in the army? - l was 400 grams underweight.

So then, you have a temperature and your mouth and testicles are sore.

Have you had any difficulty urinating

or noticed a change in the colour of your urine?

No, not that l've noticed, no.

- Have you been having diarrhoea? - lt's sort of runny, like water.

Lower your pants and lie down, please.

Raise your arms.

lf it were always like this you'd be in a pretty mess.

ls it serious, Doctor?

Are you entitled to free medical assistance?

No, l'm not.

You have a serious vitamin deficiency and an acute epidemic infection.

- lt's nothing with the testicles? - No. lt's more superficial.

What about the swelling, Doctor?

The so called pretty mess?

That's caused by the inflammation.

l've prescribed an anti-inflammatory for you to take,

and you will also take an antibiotic twice a day, mornings and evenings.

Plus a multivitamin syrup

which will act directly on the mucous membrane in your mouth

to cure the sores you have there,

and you'll have an intravenous injection once a day.

l'm putting you on a strict liquid diet

of broth, yoghurt, fruit juice and plenty of water.

lf you find it difficult to walk, go to the chemists

and buy a jockstrap to help those nuts of yours feel more conformable.

Two or three times a day, fill a small basin with water,

put some ice cubes in and soak them in it.

Mr. Jo�o...

Your room is all tided up now.

With a sponge mattress and all. Have you been shopping?

- One of Mr. Manuel's small radios. - They're quite reliable. l also...

- What about the electricity bill? - Don't worry, it runs on batteries.

And it'll keep you company!

The room is just to sleep in, Mr Jo�o.

Don't worry, these are just a few things from the chemist's.

- Are you ill? - Nothing serious. Just some vitamins.

Watch your health.

- lt's our most precious possession. - Thank God.

My only ailment is this cough l can't get rid of.

By the way, l didn't find a place to buy smokes, but l didn't forget.

What about a game of whist, Mr Jo�o?

Not today, thank you, Mr. Armando. Good evening.

What happened?

Julieta, Julieta, Give up the rich guy and disdain

The diamond necklace

Be like you were before

And play the clarinet for me!

- What about thesolfeggio? - lt went well.

It left me with a headache, though. Good night, mummy.

The bugger thinks l was born yesterday.

Fucking bitch.

Like St. Thomas l only believe in what l see and l see nothing.

lt must have flown...

Bedbugs don't fly.

- Do you want a cup of tea, Mr. Jo�o? - No, thank you. l'd like a light.

Help yourself. There are plenty of matches.

You slept well, Mr. Jo�o, didn't you? You can see it in your face...

l slept well, yes l did, but that power outage...

You leave your light on until so late...

You can't imagine the size of the bills l get every month.

The cost of living is awfully expensive nowadays.

The lack of light interferes with my work. And it's not every night...

l wouldn't mind paying a little bit extra...

Well, that's different then...

For now, l could do with a few ice cubes.

Don't tell me you also suffer from haemorrhoids.

They bother me sometimes.

l can't eat anything spicy. And pepper, l can't even think of it.

Fortunately, it's nothing like that.

lt's just a swelling on my knee.

Be very careful with your knee. lt's a very sensitive spot.

l've got a friend who bumped her knee and...

You'll tell me your friend's story later.

l'm in quite a hurry, Dona Violeta, l'm sorry but...

l hope you get well, Mr. Jo�o.

Beware of the bedbugs!

Here, Pom-Pom.

He's lost his appetite.

Those dogs are very choosy. They only eat what they fancy.

He's got a sweet tooth, but lately he hasn't been very lively.

Just like me, then.

And he's quite spoiled.

He's so cute when he stands like this on his legs.

So, Mr. Laurindo and how is our Benfica?

ln a sorry state. They've been breaking their backs in the fields.

What they want are tarts and an easy life. Brazilian ways.

Mother, mother.

You're thinner, Jo�o. Haven't you been well?

l've been a bit ill, but nothing to worry about. And you, mother?

My back has been killing me,

but the doctor is very good and he doesn't charge me anything.

He prescribed some painkillers for these pains,

but they make me sleepy and dizzy.

- Won't you give your mother a kiss? - Don't be mushy.

lt's been so long since you've come to see me.

l haven't yet received some money l'm owed.

You need some money, don't you?

And those coins?

lt's all l have.

l'm quite pressed for time.

When will you come to see your mother again, Jo�o?

One of these days.

l heard you suck cocks, Evelyn!

Not me! l won't put that in my mouth before l'm married!

But you sucked his cock, didn't you?

l can't remember, l was drunk...

Lick it, lick it...

One can never tell what might happen in a boarding-house.

Where do the guests come from? What do they do? Who knows...

As long as they pay me on time, their lives are their own business.

l'm quite fussy about their appearance before l take them in.

l look them in the eye

and l can see whether they're clean or whether they're used to pigsties.

l can sense their manners by following my own feelings.

l can tell from their attitude if they're polite and respectful.

Sometimes the devil deceives even the smartest people.

With my modesty and tidiness l've done the possible and the impossible

to prevent the house l own

- and l've had plenty of proposals, thank God -

from ending up like many houses you see around.

l have a daughter to raise, God knows with what sacrifice.

A nice Catholic girl. She plays the clarinet like an angel

and, as you all know, she will be graduating soon.

She was caught at the Arco de Jesus blowing Messias' clarinet.

My dream is to see her married to a gentleman.

A kind man who above all is fond of her.

He doesn't have to be very rich.

Money doesn't always bring happiness.

l won't be leaving this world

before l see her wearing orange blossoms and a white wedding veil.

That's why l won't take in short term guests.

- lt brings money in though. - So it does, but it's a lot of work.

l don't even have the staff to cope with it.

The Wolfram days are long gone. Mrs. Margarida, you know damn well

that l am very liberal minded too.

lf it's a young foreign couple or something like that,

somebody you can chat with,

l can turn a blind eye now and then.

The ones with the backpacks?

No way! With all the diseases going around?

You can't always be so strict.

This isn't the lnquisition

and the country does prosper from it, as Professor Cavaco puts it.

l agree completely. You took the words out of my mouth.

l don't have the slightest gripe against Mr. Laurindo.

Against him or her, no matter what anyone says.

She's a very nice girl, Mimi. Very generous.

He's a pimp.

l don't know about that. ln my house there's no funny business.

At first, l didn't even want to take them because of the dog.

The truth is that the dog is no trouble at all.

What he may have done for the cops to take him is none of my business.

They'll arrest anyone these days!

They just won't arrest these junkies you see all over.

- He's a pimp! - He did look like a gigolo.

We are all innocent, my dear man. All innocent!

We take care of our lives and God takes care of everybody's!

Yes?

- Lovely, this afternoon light. - lt's breathtaking by the Tagus.

And on top of that your music fills the whole house,

- We feel transported... - Justarpeggios...

- Didn't l disturb you? - No, l was having a break.

lt's better that way.

lt's always terrible when, often unwillingly,

someone disturbs our inspired moments.

Those are theimpromptus of life, musically speaking.

Andante,signor maestro. What is it?

l was offered two tickets for tonight's movie at Cinema S. Jorge.

They say that it's a good movie.

A five star movie, for those who enjoy romantic movies...

- ls it European or American? - lt's American.

l like both, each has its own style... and?

And so it's like this:

lf, by any chance, you're not otherwise engaged, Miss Julieta...

No, l am not.

... then maybe you wouldn't mind coming along.

They say it won't even rain tonight.

And you?

l won!

Fancy another one?

My stomach is still full. l think l'll go for a walk to digest.

- Do you want some bicarbonate? - Don't trouble yourself, Mr. Armando.

You're not upset because l won, are you?

Me?

Don't even think about it.

You won, Mr. Armando, because you're a better player.

lt's chance that decides who wins and who loses.

When shall we play again?

l haven't forgotten about your cigarettes, you know?

They call me Mimi.

The cops are always picking on me because they think l'm underage.

l look younger than l am. How old would you say l was?

l don't know. 23, 24...

More.

A lady should never tell her age.

l'm ashamed.

l don't know why, but l can't. l'm ashamed.

lt was very good of you to accompany me

and tell them you were my uncle.

You're not old enough yet to be my uncle.

l'm old enough to be everybody's uncle.

One's age doesn't count. lt's one's feelings that count.

My age is greater than my feelings. lt's my way of being old.

Will you let me offer you a drink?

l only drink during meals. Otherwise l'm a teetotaller, but...

... l'll toast to keep you company. - All right. Bring me another.

Do you know that l knew you?

l don't come here often, but you do look familiar.

l see you often on the street or in the caf�.

l noticed because you're always alone. You don't speak to anyone.

l do, but no one notices.

Yes. Always solemn, your eyes on the ground.

lt's where one finds everything.

l have no time for looking up.

The movement of the light bothers me.

We live in the same house...

lt's true, l don't notice anyone...

Cheers.

Don't tell them about me at home now that you know.

- The landlady has no idea... - You secret is safe with me.

l trust you. l don't know why, but you inspire confidence in me.

Me? You have nothing to fear from me, but if l were you,

l wouldn't be so trusting. There are lots of rogues around.

That's true, but what can l do?

l'm getting sleepy. l had a very rough day.

Laurindo is my man,

as you are fully aware, Mr. Jo�o...

- Call me Jo�o... - All right. l'll try.

As you know, Jo�o, Laurindo has been arrested.

- l hear he's innocent. - lnnocent, him?

l suppose like everyone else he has his good points,

but innocence has never been one of them.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, our special erotic attraction, Zara,

the Egyptian stripteaser, will brush the teeth of a crocodile

with a gigantic toothpaste tube.

The things they come up with...

l can hardly keep on my feet.

One either shows up or is forgotten.

lt's best if l walk you home.

Well we're going to the same place and we sleep under the same roof.

l'd like that. You're very kind. We can't go in together, though.

And will you swear you won't try anything?

l swear l won't try anything.

''Petit rose''...

''petit girl''...''and so on''.

Oh! My beloved drapes. Not that l hadn't foreseen it.

When they took Mr. Laurindo,

it was the first thing that came to my mind.

l knew he'd just lift his little leg up and that would be it.

What do you think of the stench. Smell it, go on...

- It smells. - A dog's piss doesn't come out.

But that isn't the worst of it. It's the velvets l'm worried about.

They're so badly handled at the laundry. They come back discoloured.

l'll pay for the damages, Dona Violeta. l'll pay whatever it is.

Damn right you will.

But who will pay for my velvets?

Where will l find velvets like these? Such valuable velvets?

Don't be upset, Dona Violeta. l know it's all my fauIt,

but you won't be the worse for it. Even if l have to steal,

to calm you down, so l don't have to see you so upset...

Well! It's not as if l want to ruin anyone's life.

You're a good girl, Mimi, and l wish you no harm.

But you must understand that open-handedness has its limits.

The dog can't be left all day locked in the house

with no one to look after him.

He's quite old already...

Do you want my advice? Get rid of him while you still can...

Goal!

A new kennel!

So!

Dona Violeta gave me 24 hours to get rid of Pom-Pom.

She said a simple call to Sanitary lnspection would do the trick.

l can't stand it any more.

l don't have any reason to keep Pom-Pom.

But l can't just abandon him! Shall l give him to someone trustworthy?

l'm very fond of animals but l don't have anywhere to keep him.

l hadn't even thought of you,

but l thought that you might know of someone.

Who would want to have such an old dog?

He really is old.

And Laurindo? What will he think of it all?

- That's right. How is Mr. Laurindo? - They haven't let me see him yet.

But l know he's been transferred to the penitentiary.

Poor guy.

He was very good to the dog. He used to take him for walks.

l don't always have time for him.

Do you want some friendly advice? Have the poor thing put to sleep.

- A vet? - That's an expensive death.

Take him to the Town Hall kennel. He won't suffer, believe me.

lf l had time l'd go with you.

Where is it?

l'll go.

Do you want to keep his collar and leash?

Good. lt saves me the work.

Don't worry, he won't feel a thing. The injection acts quickly.

ln a bowl, you mix the vinegar

with the blood, which must be still warm to prevent coagulation...

ls that how they do it in Minho?

Back in my village that's how we did it. Sometimes the bird,

with its head already chopped off, would run around in the kitchen

and we all had to run after it.

We were many brothers and sisters.

Now we've all gone our own separate ways.

No other relatives?

My father. He emigrated to Venezuela. l never heard from him again.

My mother is still back home with little C�u.

- Little C�u? - My daughter. She's still a child.

l seldom see her. But l know that she's all right.

lt's a pity there's no phone there. As for writing... l'm no good at it.

l never know what to say... just love and kisses and that l miss her.

Whenever l can, l send her money. Clothing is very expensive.

But l've been saving up so l can pay for my girl's studies

and then she won't have to follow my footsteps in life,

although my life isn't that bad.

- lt has also its good side. - ls your money earning interest?

l hate banks.

ln my village we keep our money in an iron pot

or under the mattress and no one touches it.

lt's different in Lisbon.

l know, but what can l do? l was born like this and l'll die like this.

l like Lisbon, but one day l'll go back home.

l like to be near the land,

with my mother, who is quite old now, and with my little C�u.

l don't mind if there's only a bowl of hot soup to eat.

Then l can just...

... stick my hands in the rich earth

and feel that everything comes from there.

This is no time to be washing dishes.

- What are you doing there? - l'm looking for nests.

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

May you be very happy and live a very long life!

lt's for good luck!

Just a little drop... or it makes you pass wind.

lt brings you luck. And money.

May you live long, Mr. Jo�o.

Cheers!

Thank you for your kindness, but l don't feel like it.

l never had a sweet tooth.

For me salted codfish is my one true passion.

What takes your fancy, neighbour?

A little speech, Mr. Jo�o.

l'm speechless.

Let's hear some music instead.

Don't be daft, girl.

Go and get your clarinet or l'll make you get it. Come on, move.

- Clarinet! - Clarinet!

Good grief! May St. Barbara help us!

lt's my birthday present.

Well?...

Your nipples are covered with milk.

Now l'm in trouble. l've been summoned to the police station.

What happened?

Go on, tell me.

Mimi is dead. She died in my arms.

We called an ambulance, but it was already too late.

Mimi had one of those operations. But l knew nothing about it.

lf l did, l would have had things done differently.

As it was, Mimi bled to death. lt was the maid who found her.

She called me right away, but there was nothing we could do.

Just my luck, Mr. Jo�o. l, who have done nothing against God. Problems...

Oh, Jesus!

Ding... Mine.

Mission accomplished, gentlemen!

l loved it! Loved it! Loved it!

l wasn't unaware

of the fine tone, and the purity of the instrument's sound.

Would the great Mozartian that you'll become,

accept the humble, but sincere homage

of this unconditional admirer?

They're beautiful!

l predict your great future as a soloist and l'll be there to listen.

lt would be a catastrophe if such a promising talent as yours

was not encouraged as it deserves.

lt would pain my soul

if the most promising of flowers should be lost among the weeds.

And sometimes, a little nothing... a ''petit rien''...

... the solace of a friendly word is enough for fate to...

Progress, progress can only be expected

in those countries where music is truly appreciated.

ltaly, Germany...

And why not Austria? Salzburg...

- l would like that, but... - l've come into some money...

... and l have an idea.

Vigo and ''El Corte lngl�s'' for starters,

via Oporto and Viana.

The greenness of Minho and Ger�s

to clear the eyes and the lungs.

Finally, the Galician apotheosis with mussels

and glasses of Ribeiro wine at sunset,

in a secluded corner of the Rias Baixas.

All this in one of those air-conditioned tour coaches.

And the music?

l haven't forgotten it.

But now it's a different tune.

l love you, miss Julieta.

You have me at your feet.

- Do with me as you will. - But l don't want to do anything.

Don't be ridiculous. The two of us? Never.

Ha ha ha ha!

Don't throttle me, sir!

Let go of me, for God's sake, don't muss my uniform.

Perfect breasts.

Not too large...

... not too small.

Just as God made them.

Guards! Grab him! Grab him!

Grab what? Grab whom?

The hermaphrodite! He left her half strangled, my Julieta...

Who, long nose? He couldn't fuck his way out of a paper bag!

l don't know whether he could or not but the fact is that he's done it.

You should see the state he left the poor girl in...

He must have a dick about this big! That wouldn't harm the girl.

- Serves you right! - He's a queer if you ask me.

Queer?

You don't know what l mean? Ask your husband, he'll tell you.

My husband a queer?

Woman, you must be off your rocker!

You should see the calluses on my labia

because of my husband's balls, do you hear?

The poor woman has got calluses!

And so l do! And l'm glad! have them. l bet you wish you had them like me.

That's envy.

- That what you need. - My man has got a dyke's dick.

And what's wrong with that? You shouldn't make fun of the afflicted.

lt's not his fault if God made him that way.

Jesus! lt tickles me around the lips and l piss myself laughing.

You may laugh, you shameless cow!

Do you think you've got it better with what you have at home?

- To each his own! - lt's a matter of taste!

l like to feel them right up the hilt like a cock crowing. So what?

Big mouth. Watch out your cock's crest doesn't wilt!

Enough!

l'm about to go down there with a pan to teach you not to play with pans!

Who wants bananas, girls?

Who wants bananas, girls?

Who wants bananas, girls?

My mother was buried yesterday.

She slipped on a slab of yellow soap and fractured her femur.

At her age broken bones mean a hell of a lot of problems.

She was hit by an embolism and when l got to the hospital

They had isolated from the other patients with a screen.

The state of her heaIth inspired concern...

or to put it bluntly, it no longer inspired anything.

She lay there, like so many others, with vacant gray eyes,

and she snored.

Her shapeless mouth half open and grimacing

suggested a fierceness l'd never seen in her before.

l asked her: ''So, how's it going?''

she didn't reply, she just went on breathing heavily.

l doubt if she even recognised me.

ln fact she looked angry.

It had never occurred to me that eternity could be so bitter.

See you, old lady.

l'll be back, but right now l need some fresh air.

l got away as fast as l could.

Early morning there was a knock on the door of the old lady's room

where l've been sleeping lately.

It was the landlady, who gave the news in a sleepy voice.

When l saw her wrapped in a smelly dressing gown l understood.

They made me fill out a lot of forms

to avoid having to pay for the funeral.

l have no glasses.

They must have dropped during the incident with the clarinet player,

and l can hardly see at all.

l signed whatever was needed with my eyes closed.

A common grave. Let's not exaggerate.

Quicklime, of course. But the old lady and l have been through worse.

Her room was quite fiIthy, and l couldn't sleep there.

it had the characteristic strong stench of old people.

l got rid of her things as soon as l could.

Some cooking appliances and little else.

No one wanted the bed linen and rightly so.

Who wants to inherit the stink of poverty? l threw it out.

The whole lot yielded one thousand escudos without my having to bargain.

No point in doing that with such people. Strange as it may seem,

it was the old petrol cooker which brought in the most money..

It was still in pretty good shape... all it needed was a new wick.

l'm in my final throes. l don't think l'll last long. It's a pity.

l don't mean to boast but there are those who are much worse off.

This was bound to happen.

Precisely when l feIt that my heaIth was improving

and l'd even started fucking with renewed enthusiasm.

Miss Julieta ran away with one of bassoon players. It had to happen.

It's a family of wind instruments. Dona Violeta is resigned.

One of these days she'll forgive it all with a volley of farts.

A bit of dignity never hurt anyone.

l ran into one of Mimi's friends Judite,

who got off the streets and opened an ice cream shop.

She didn't seem pleased to see me hanging around,

but l've always been ''very British'',

and so l pretended not to notice and l didn't lose my temper.

''Just cream,'' l ordered.

While she was serving me she started talking about Mimi,

a wretched girl who never had any brains

a fool who even went out with blacks. l went berserk.

l jumped on her from behind, dog-like, to be exact,

with that ''ostinato rigore'' which characterises me.

''Oh, Mr. Jo�o, this is bad for business,

don't ruin me'', she implored. l didn't.

l stuck my finger in her asshole and left it at that.

Have you got a smoke?

A cigarette.

lt's already open.

lt's open.

What's the food like?

Not bad, but you get tired of it after four days.

Do you have a card?

Do we need a card?

You must go to the civil parish in your neighbourhood,

and apply for a card.

Like this one.

And if you don't have a card?

lf the refectory isn't too full, maybe the doorman will let you in.

Otherwise, you'd better get one.

Give him half a crown at the door, and you're guaranteed.

Really?

There l go now. l don't like to be last.

You have to wait for a table, and the fruit is all gone by then.

l want to smell your cod, Maria l want to smell your codfish.

Mariazinha, let me go to the kitchen And smell your codfish.

l want to smell your cod, Maria l want to smell your codfish.

Mariazinha, let me go to the kitchen And smell your codfish.

Your cod is a real beauty. My Portuguese with your special dish

It smells good, But the hot pot is tastier.

It's the favourite dish Of the Portuguese people.

l want to smell your cod, Maria l want to smell your codfish.

Mariazinha, let me go to the kitchen And smell your codfish.

l want to smell your cod, Maria l want to smell your codfish.

Mariazinha, let me go to the kitchen And smell your codfish.

Your soaked saIted codfish

Tell me if it's from Norway Or from here in Portugal...

We brought this one in. He was showing off like he was a trooper.

So l see, and he makes himself at home.

lt's always the same thing when there are beans. You may go.

- ls it tasty? - A little salty.

lt tastes fine to me. You must be very fussy about your food.

Put everything you've got in your pockets there, and no funny cracks.

''Ho-der-lim''! ''La Mort d'Emp�docles!''

- ls it a detective story? - No. lt's a celestial story.

l forgot it was in my pocket. lt belonged to a friend who died.

l only used it once, to rip open a doll's belly.

Really?

You'd better sit down.

lt looks like we're in for a long chat.

Sit down.

So, why did you rip open a doll's belly, eh?

So l could get the money out.

lt seems this isn't for us.

- Over our heads, this... - Did you say something, Chief?

No, nothing.

So, do you think it's right walking around

ripping out dolls' guts so you can help yourself to the dough?

lt wasn't a gut doll, it was a rag doll.

What is this?

lt's a bread roll.

Everybody can see it's a bread roll.

And what's inside the roll?

Slices of spicy sausage.

Excuse me. Your name is not unfamiliar to me...

Jo�o de Deus what?

Just Jo�o de Deus.

lt's short.

lt's what's written on your Benfica membership card, though.

Are you at all related to...?

To the poet? Not at all.

l'm an admirer of his, though.

That's it!

l may be a half-wit but there was something in the back of my mind.

lt's the poet from the school text book.

l learned to read from it.

Listen, what was the idea of putting on a military uniform?

Pardon me! lt's an uniform of a Cavalry officer.

lt's an aristocratic branch of the armed forces!

The joke's over. Where did you get the uniform?

From the gypsies.

l used to be irreverent myself, you know?

l can just imagine what happened.

A bit of a lark with the boys... a couple of drinks too many.

Slightly drunk...

A dare, then another, this and that...

Money on the table and the bet is made.

- l hate bets and l never drink. - You don't drink? How come?

Have you seen this beauty?

A hundred percent pure, no chemicals.

Did you do military service?

That's what l thought. What do you do then?

- l'm a left-wing intellectual. - Shit! Did you hear this, Adamastor?

He's what, chief?

He's destitute, what else did you expect?

This looks very bad. You don't mess around with the army, my boy.

l want to know what you had in mind

when you sneaked into the barracks.

To march on Parliament.

Feeling good? Let's go see the doctor.

- l have to go to the toilet. - You could have used the bucket.

Can't anybody shit in peace anymore?

Hey, you with the fag!

You with the fag!

You with the fag...

lt's nice and hot.

Another ladle?

Are you, by any chance, old L�vio?

Weren't you the one who killed your father and mother with an axe

and as soon as you got to jail you asked for book by Pessanha?

No, l'm not the one.

Aren't you the one who was presumed shot dead at the Rumanian border?

No, l'm not the one.

Aren't you the one who tried to sell the skeleton and pretended to be dead

in order to make a movie?

No, l'm not the one.

Oh, l know.

Aren't you the one who screwed the widow

and the maid of Admiral Saladas

and then you went wacky because of a dame?

lt wasn't quite like that, but it doesn't really matter.

What have you been doing all these years?

l've been hanging around, waiting for you.

Waiting for me?

The only thing that counts:

to learn to control your state of simplicity.

And you? You're sticking around?

l hope to be cured. l'm a clinical case. And benign too.

With you it's different.

There's no hope for what it is you've got. Whatever it is, it is.

l doubt they'll let me walk out just like that.

Have you spoken to the Director?

We've exchanged the odd word, he and l.

l had nothing to tell him. And vice-versa, l presume.

Don't worry about how l get out. l'll deal with that.

The Director is one of ours.

l'll think it over.

lt's decided.

Let the sacred door be opened.

l'm going, l'm off.

l knew that good sense would prevail in the end.

From now on, it is necessary

that your behaviour be irreproachable

so as not to raise the slightest suspicion.

The farce is over.

l'll be praying for you.

lt's honourable money. l've saved it up over all these years.

You're raving nuts.

l can't take all that money.

lt's a lot of dough.

So be it. l'll keep one note as a souvenir.

Money is of no consequence here.

lt's useful only to satisfy small vices.

l'll just squander it.

We will only meet again in twenty years.

lf God grants us life and health.

God shall grant you life.

Go forth,

and give them work.

l knew the blackbird.

Black, big and shiny, a jovial early riser.

Right from the first light among the trees, he'd send you

true crystal laughs.

Translation: Maria Gabriel Subtitling: CRlSTBET, Lda.