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♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

What's happening, Atlanta? How we feeling?

(CHEERING)

MARLON WAYANS: Thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: We love you, Marlon. - I love you, too.

Thank you, baby. Thank you.

See, that's why I came to Atlanta to film my special.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPING)

'Cause y'all make me feel special.

(CHUCKLING)

I wanna start by saying, God loves me.

- I don't know about you niggas. - (LAUGHTER)

I knew God loved me on March 27th, 2022,

approximately 10:32 p.m. Eastern Standard Time,

which is 7:32...

Pacific.

Or as half you niggas wanna say, "Specific."

- (LAUGHTER) - (LAUGHS)

But I knew God loved me at that time,

'cause at that time...

was when Chris Rock

cracked a joke on Jada Pinkett Smith...

(LAUGHTER)

...and Will Smith got up and slapped the shit

out of one of the greatest comedians of all time.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yeah!

You know, that had nothing to do with Will,

nothing to do with Jada, nothing to do with Chris.

- It was my fault. - (LAUGHTER)

All right, here's the story.

I've known Chris Rock, or knew of Chris Rock,

since I was, I think, 12, 13 years old.

My brother Keenen did a movie called

- I'm Gonna Git You Sucka. - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

There was a role in I'm Gonna Git You Sucka

that my brother gave me, he's like,

"You're gonna play this role called The Rib Man."

Now, I had worked my ass off learning these lines

for this role all spring long, and in summertime

I was supposed to go out and I was supposed to film it.

But my brother called me up.

I was still in school and I couldn't get out in time.

And my brother said, Keenen goes...

(IMITATES KEENEN) "...Well, I'm sorry, Marlon,

but we're gonna have to move on with this project."

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

"And I can't wait for you to get out of school,

there's a whole production going on, I gotta film,

so we're gonna give this role to Chris Rock."

I said, "Who the fuck is Chris Rock?"

(IMITATES KEENEN) He says, "He's an up-and-coming comedian,

he's really funny, and I think this role will be good for him."

I said, "Fuck that nigga, I don't know him."

(LAUGHTER)

"Keenen, I'm your brother, we came out the same dick,

why you giving this role to him?"

(LAUGHTER)

(IMITATES KEENEN) "Oh, because he worked real hard in Hollywood

and this is his opportunity,

and there'll be other opportunities for you.

Don't worry, little brother,

I'm still gonna give you a role."

And my brother kept his promise, he gave me the role...

- as Pedestrian Number Two. - (LAUGHTER)

Not as glamorous as The Rib Man, right?

If you watch the movie, I'm in the movie for a second,

you have to-- it's when Flyguy is walking down the street,

he has goldfish in his shoe.

Shoe breaks. Pause right there, you will see a young-faced...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

...pigeon-toed Marlon Wayans, like this.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!

But Chris Rock wound up doing The Rib Man,

and The Rib Man wound up blowing up,

and catapulted Chris Rock into stardom.

- I fucking cried that day, man. - (LAUGHTER)

I did. Not to be a hater, but I just felt like,

"That was my opportunity

and you fucking gave it to Chris Rock."

Fast forward to,

I'm at the premiere of I'm Gonna Git You Sucka,

I'm about 14, 15 years old, but I look--

I've always looked young.

Like, I looked like a-- a fetus at that age.

Like, I didn't go through puberty for a long time.

Like, I remember I had-- I was 15, 14,

- I had, like, two dick hairs. - (LAUGHTER)

I was-- I was young, I was still a virgin,

I never, you know...

I didn't know nothing about women like that.

You know, all I know is I was at the premiere,

and I was talking to this really pretty girl.

Her name was Nicole.

Now, Nicole was like, 19, 20 years old.

I was 15, looking seven.

And so I'm talking to this girl and she's laughing. She goes,

"You funny, Lil Wayan." I said, "Thank you."

I said, "You think I could get your number?"

She goes, "Boy, I will break you."

- I said, "Please." - (LAUGHTER)

She said, "I'm 19 years old, you are jailbait."

I said, "You can molest me, I won't tell nobody."

- (LAUGHTER) - I said, "How about this.

How about you give me your number

and then I'll call you, and when I'm 18 years old,

and then maybe we could get married?"

- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Aw! - That's exactly what she said.

- She said, "Aw!" - (LAUGHTER)

"You know what, you are so cute.

How about this. I'ma give you my number

and you call me when you're 18." I said, "Okay."

So, she went down to write down her pager number...

- Yeah, it was that far back. - (LAUGHTER)

And just as she's writing it down, all I hear is,

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK) "What the fuck you trying to do with that pussy?"

(LAUGHTER)

I look over, and who is it? Chris Rock.

- (LAUGHTER) - And this was Chris Rock

before the money Chris Rock.

Like, he looked fucked up. Ugh!

- (LAUGHTER) - He had a Jheri curl,

but didn't have enough money for all the grease...

(LAUGHTER)

...so it was like dry Jheri curl,

but he had a shag

so the grease would drip onto his shoulders.

And he was like three-different-color Black.

- I don't know what his-- - (LAUGHTER)

Like, he was the color of violence.

Like it was like a-- It was like a dull shine.

Nigga looking like a-- looked like a Glock 45.

- (LAUGHTER) - And it wasn't an even Black.

It was different, it was iridescent.

Nigga looked like eggplant Black,

you know, dull Black.

He looked like Charlamagne tha God,

- three years ago. - (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

And so I look over at Chris,

and Chris has always been like a mean stepbrother to me.

You know, we got the same momma but different daddies,

and my daddy actually comes and takes me to the park

and sends child support,

and that nigga's daddy just leave him on the stoop,

so he hates me. It-- We had that kinda relationship.

So, out of nowhere I hear...

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK) "...What the fuck you trying to do with that pussy?"

He goes, "Get the fuck outta here, nigga.

She don't wanna be with you.

You only got two fucking dick hairs."

(LAUGHTER)

"You ain't never seen a pussy before.

Last pussy you seen was your momma's, 12 years ago."

He grabs the girl's hand and he goes, "Come on."

He walks off.

He looks back and he goes...

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK) "...Nigga,

she don't wanna be with no Pedestrian Number Two."

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIMING)

"She's about to fuck the rib man."

And he walked off with what could've been my wife.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw! - I was so sad, y'all.

A tear welled up in my eye, and one rolled down my cheek

like that tear that Denzel had in the movie Glory.

(LAUGHTER)

And I was so heartbroken, man. But it kept going.

Fast forward to, now I'm 19 years old,

doing stand-up comedy in Los Angeles

at the Laugh Factory.

It's probably my tenth time doing stand-up.

Let me tell you something about this art form.

This is the hardest shit anybody wants to do.

This is a very hard art form, and you know why?

Because you evil drunk motherfuckers

love to see a nigga bomb.

Y'all ain't shit, you came here to see me bomb.

I know. I know, nigga.

That's why New York niggas went to see T.I.,

they wanted to see this nigga bomb.

- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) - You evil motherfuckers.

So I'm doing stand-up comedy at the Laugh Factory.

And it's funny because because when you're a young

stand-up comic, right,

you write all these jokes and-- and you perform them.

Every joke you tell, you give it your all.

Like you put all your forthright and gusto into it,

and you wait to be loved by the audience,

you wait for y'all response. You be like... (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

- "Love me." - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes.

And when a joke don't land, every young comedian

will grab the microphone stand,

and he'll grab it like a security blanket.

And he'll look down at the floor

because he forgot his entire set. (SIGHS)

And he'll nervously say, "Um..." (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

- "...what else is funny?" - (LAUGHTER)

Well, I made the mistake

of saying that shit at the Laugh Factory

when I was 19 years old and all I hear is...

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK) "...I don't know, nigga."

(LAUGHTER)

"You supposed to be the fucking comedian.

Why don't you tell us what the fuck is funny, nigga?"

(LAUGHTER)

I look at the crowd, and all I see

is this Black skin and these two yellow eyes

- walking toward me. - (LAUGHTER)

I-- I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a Coca-Cola

- with two lemons coming my way. - (LAUGHTER)

And I said, "Who's that?" And out of nowhere he goes...

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK) "It's somebody a whole lot funnier than you, nigga.

I'll tell you that much, motherfucker."

He finally comes to the light, and who is it?

- AUDIENCE: Chris Rock. - Fucking Chris Rock,

my evil older stepbrother in comedy.

And this is Chris Rock after I'm Gonna Git You Sucka,

after New Jack City, after his special Big Ass Jokes,

right before he performed Bring the Pain,

which catapulted him into greatness.

This man sat there at the front of the stage

and heckled me my entire set.

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK) "Come on, nigga. Where the jokes at?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I thought you were supposed to be a Wayans.

Which one are you? Pedo?"

(LAUGHTER)

- "Oh, that's right, you Marlon." - (LAUGHTER)

Nigga sat there and literally demolished me.

- I bombed that night. - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw!

- I quit stand-up. - AUDIENCE MEMBER: No!

I swear to God, I quit stand-up comedy for 20 years,

I was that broken. I was humiliated,

I didn't feel funny and I-- I was like, "Yo, fuck comedy.

I'm just gonna write movies and do TV,

- I don't need stand-up." - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Don't clap, I was a bitch-ass nigga,

- I quit comedy. - (LAUGHTER)

I was hurt, man, I was really hurt.

I called my brothers up, I was like,

I was like, "Damon... (BREATHES HEAVILY)

...Chris Rock heckled me at the club."

He said... (IMITATES DAMON) "...Well, nigga, you probably wasn't funny."

(LAUGHTER)

I prayed on it, man.

I was like, "God, I wanna kill him.

God, give me the strength."

And God was like, "No, son. Vengeance is mine."

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

Fast forward to March 27th, 2022...

(APPLAUSE)

...approximately 10:32 p.m. Eastern Standard Time,

which is 7:32 Pacific,

when funny little Chris Rock

cracked a joke on Jada Pinkett Smith

and Will Smith mysteriously got up...

- (LAUGHTER) - ...and slapped the shit...

out of one of the greatest comedians that ever lived.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

And everybody was like, "Why, why would he do that?"

Well, it had nothing to do with Chris,

nothing to do with Will, nothing to do with Jada.

I told you, motherfuckers.

God loves me!

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

Oh, did you hear what that slap said?

Oh, that was a hard slap. That was--

That slap had three slaps in one slap.

Only God could put a slap together like that.

That slap said, "This is for taking

- Marlon's part." - (CHEERING)

"For taking his girl...

and for humiliating him, you skinny mother--"

- (LAUGHTER) - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah! (CHUCKLES)

Oh, I laughed that day, boy. Ooh, I had a little... (LAUGHS)

- (LAUGHTER) - (LAUGHS)

I love Chris, but goddamn, that shit was funny.

Because Will, the smack, he didn't see that shit coming?

Like, Will-- 'cause Will wound up so much,

his body like a cartoon,

- it went around itself. (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHTER)

Like a windy toy. (LAUGHS)

Like, his hand swept through America.

It went through the-- the... (LAUGHS)

...the valleys of California,

through the mountains of Montana,

the lakes of Michigan, the winds of Chicago,

came down to Atlanta, touched all the Black kids

selling water or trying to rob your ass,

- And then-- - (LAUGHTER)

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - (LAUGHS)

Yo-- (LAUGHS)

You know what's fucked up... (LAUGHS)

...is the follow-through. That nigga--

Will meant that shit.

That nigga followed through like a golfer.

You know what I mean? Anyway--

- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Going, going, going, going...

(LAUGHS) You know what's fucked up?

He slapped Chris so hard,

Chris didn't know where the fuck he was.

He-- (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY, LAUGHS)

- (LAUGHTER) - (LAUGHS)

He slapped that nigga into a different award show.

- (LAUGHTER) - He slapped that motherfucker

out... (LAUGHS) ...the Oscars into the Grammys.

(LAUGHTER)

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK) "And the nominees for best music artist

- of the year are... - (LAUGHTER)

...Dua Lipa." (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS) Oh, shit.

Man, I laughed that day, I laughed that day.

I got on my back. (LAUGHS)

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

I laughed so hard, nigga,

I rewound that bitch... (LAUGHS) ...I rewound--

I played that shit so many times,

- kept playing it back-- - (LAUGHTER)

- Pause. (SCREAMS) - (LAUGHTER)

- In fast motion. - (LAUGHTER)

My favorite was slow-motion. (SLOW-MOTION GROAN)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, shit, man. Oh, shit.

Oh, man, oh! Whoo!

(LAUGHS) Whoo!

(LAUGHS) Oh, shit, man. But I laughed.

Whoa! Shit. Oh, man.

I gotta give-- (LAUGHS)

I gotta give it to Chris Rock though,

- that-- His... - (LAUGHTER)

...lack of... (LAUGHS) ...reaction was a strong--

- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHTER)

I think I caught a contact high

- from your nigga's weed, listen. - (LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

I gotta give it to Chris Rock. I gotta give it to my brother.

His... lack of reaction

was one of the strongest reactions I've ever seen

a human being achieve.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I ain't seen a strong reaction that strong since like Gandhi.

(LAUGHTER)

- Martin Luther King. - (CHEERING)

Evander Holyfield when Mike Tyson bit

that nigga's ear off and all he did was this--

- Nig-- - (LAUGHTER)

Because Chris Rock single-handedly held together

the last fabric of Black excellence

- we had left. - (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

And that leads me to believe one or two things

about my brother, Chris Rock.

Either he is the strongest Black man

- that God ever created. - (LAUGHTER)

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Or? - Or he is truly

one bitch-ass nigga 'cause this--

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS) Nigga didn't even-- He didn't even act

like he was gonna hit him back. He didn't do none of this.

You know what I mean? He didn't put his hands up.

I ain't see his little claws curl up.

That nigga just took it.

And then complimented Will on the slap.

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK) "I can't believe Will Smith just slapped me at the Oscars."

(LAUGHTER)

"This is the best moment in Oscar history.

I'm never gonna wash my cheek again." (LAUGHS)

The real punk shit was Will screaming from his chair.

(IMITATES WILL SMITH) "Keep my wife's name

- out your motherfucking mouth." - (LAUGHTER)

And this nigga, Chris, said... (IMITATES CHRIS ROCK) "...That's a good idea."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS) I was like--

That's when I wanted to jump in.

I was like, "No, enough of this shit, nigga."

(LAUGHTER)

First of all, Will, you too damn big

to be hitting little Chris Rock.

You know better. Come on, Chris-- Chris...

I can see if Jada slapped Chris Rock,

that's a fair fight.

But, Will, come on, you are an action hero.

This man played Ali, lifting weights.

He knows how to box. I've seen him in I Am Legend,

doing backward pull-ups and lifting weights. Come on.

Chris Rock has been stereotyped as a crack head

in 96.5 percent of all his movies.

It's like that's the first person

they think about, like word association.

- Crack head, Rock. - (LAUGHTER)

Like the heaviest thing Chris Rock ever lifted

in a movie... (CHUCKLES) ...was the crack pipe

in New Jack City.

And the nigga struggled with that.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHUCKLES)

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

G.I. Jane wasn't worth slapping Chris Rock over.

It was a compliment.

Now, if he would've called her...

Gollum... (LAUGHS)

...from Lord of the Rings, you know what I mean?

(LAUGHTER)

(HISSES)

(IMITATES GOLLUM) "My precious."

Then you could slap the shit out that man.

- (LAUGHTER) - Oh, shit, man. Oh, man.

Whoo! (EXHALES)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- (MARLON CHUCKLING) - (AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

I've known...

Jada Pinkett Smith since I was 18, 19 years old.

I met her backstage at In Living Color,

my brother's TV show in the '90s.

(CHEERING)

And I walked in his dressing room

and I saw her.

I saw Jada and I was immediately smitten.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw! - Like, this woman was so smart,

so knowledgeable, so multi-talented.

She could sing. She could dance. She could rap.

She could write poetry.

You know, people say I've lived five, six, seven times.

She's been here five times

and she probably lived to the ripe age

of 127 each time.

Jada Pinkett is Cleopatra. She is Joan of Arc.

She is Helen Martin from 227. This woman...

(LAUGHTER)

And when I saw her, like I seen that face

and I immediately was like, "Oh, my God,

this is the most beautiful little boy I've ever seen."

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

No, 'cause... (LAUGHS) ...she ain't got no body.

Y'all know this woman. She ain't got no body.

She ain't got no titties. She got nipples,

- but she ain't got no titty. - (LAUGHTER)

(CHUCKLES) You know what I mean? She ain't got no ass.

She got a crack and a hole. We know she shits.

But I don't know how she sit down.

She must keep sliding 'til she hit the hook on her head.

It's like, "All right, right there's good."

(LAUGHTER)

And I immediately got her number

and me and Jada became like... best friends.

Like, I moved out to California.

She lived a couple of minutes from me,

and I spent the night at her house.

She would stay a night at my house.

We'd just hang out like two innocent little kids.

And this woman was so smart.

She used to teach me about love.

She had power words and descriptions of love.

When she was 19, she was telling me shit like,

- "Love is acceptance." - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah, it is.

- "Love is unconditional." - AUDIENCE MEMBER: It is!

"Love has no expectations

because then you will be disappointed.

Love involves devastation. Love is forgiving.

And real love is healing."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Do you know how hard my little 19-year-old dick was

- hearing these big power words? - (LAUGHTER)

But I never told Jada I had a crush on her.

I never did. I just-- I was always like,

you know, I used to play her little songs

with, like, little-- little hints in them.

I remember one time I played her Stevie Wonder's

"Too Shy to Say."

And then she played me back En Vogue's "Never Gonna Get It."

(LAUGHTER)

We just became best friends, man.

And I hung out with her so much, she used to--

We used to write poetry and we'd share the poetry.

Her shit was so like-- She had similes and metaphors

and shit that public school didn't teach you. I was like--

And me, my shit was basic.

I was like, "I think you pretty.

- Can I suck your titty?" - (LAUGHTER)

- "I know it's itty-bitty." - (LAUGHTER)

- "But that will be litty." - (LAUGHTER)

I was like-- (LAUGHS) It was funny, like--

like, we hung out so much

and she felt so comfortable with me,

like I became like her gay friend.

- You know what I mean? - AUDIENCE: Aw!

Like the gay best friend.

I don't trust gay friends with the pretty girls.

Y'all niggas ain't gay.

You are undercover straight. You lying motherfuckers.

'Cause I played that part. I was like,

"Bitch, let me see your clitoris."

(LAUGHTER)

"Oh, girl, you gonna wear it in the hood or out?

Oh, look at that shit. Gangster! Your clitoris gangster."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHUCKLES)

"Girl, can you teach me how to suck dick on my dick?

- Come here." - (LAUGHTER)

"Ooh, is that how you do it?

Get off me. Oh, that's nasty, bitch."

- (CHUCKLES) - (LAUGHTER)

I love me some Jada, man.

And then one day Jada called me up

and she said, "Marlon, come through, nigga,

we about to take this relationship

to a whole 'nother level."

And in my head, I was like,

"Oh my God. Jada's gonna fuck me."

I drove over to her house so fast.

(IMITATES TIRES SCREECHING)

She goes, "Marlon, I wanna introduce you

to someone special."

I was like, "Oh, she's gonna fuck me

- with a friend." (CHUCKLES) - (LAUGHTER)

I said, "Where she at? Where she at?"

"Right here."

And I look on the couch and who's sitting there...

but the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

- (AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIMING) - Oh, I was so mad. I was hating.

'Cause Will has always been a grown-ass man.

This-- I don't think this nigga ever went through puberty.

He was born with a chest and a mustache.

This nigga has literally been a handsome man. Like me,

I-- I just went through puberty probably two years ago.

And he was sitting there just looking like

fucking the Prince Charming.

And he was sitting there and he was laughing.

You know that-- you know Will with that phony-ass laugh?

You know how-- You know how-- (IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHTER)

(IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)

And Jada, she's just laughing.

(IMITATES JADA PINKETT SMITH LAUGHING)

With her little frog legs, just dancing all over his lap.

And he would laugh and they would kiss, "Baby."

(IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING) And he would tongue her down

and then give me that mean-ass Will Smith smirk.

- (IMITATES WILL SMITH KISSING) - (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

That nigga knew what he was doing.

Yeah, I had a crush on her. And that motherfucker knew.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Holy shit.

I remember leaving that house that day heartbroken.

And I learned that love...

is learning to let go.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Because I'm gonna be 100 percent honest with you,

what they had, their connection...

that's some shit you see in the movies,

like in those romantic comedies where you go,

"Aw. Yeah."

That man was her prince.

And I couldn't compete with that.

They had this connection, man. Their spirits were dancing.

And they would go on to get married

and to be an example for all us Black people.

You know, we all look to those couples.

That shit's important for us as a race.

To be able to build those couples

that stick it through no matter what.

You know what I mean? Not just on TV shows,

- but in real fucking life. - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

The Barack and the Michelles,

- the Jay-Z, Beyonce. - (CHEERING)

You know what I mean? The Will and Jada.

That shit mean something to us.

And I-- I gotta respect that.

She would help him amount a fortune

of damn near a couple of hundred million dollars.

They made these two beautiful children.

I don't know what planet them niggas is from.

(LAUGHTER)

But, you know what I mean? They are special.

Them little-- I don't know what gender they are,

like them gender neutral, race unspecific.

I don't know if they're Puerto Rican, Black.

I don't know if the boy is the girl

and the girl is the boy. I don't fucking know.

- (LAUGHTER) - All I know is

that they don't speak like normal people.

They are brilliant, brilliant beyond their years.

These niggas was born in the matrix or the metaverse.

These are not children, they are avatars.

(LAUGHTER)

But those little kids... are special.

And I know why, because their mom is special,

their dad is special. And I had to honor that.

And for years, I'd be hurt, you know what I'm saying?

- I'm 50 years old now. - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Single, still ain't found my queen.

And I sit there and I'm like, "Damn."

I'm like, "Damn, maybe--

maybe that was the one that got away."

And I asked God, I'm like, "God, show me a sign...

that that woman wasn't for me."

(LAUGHTER)

Then on March 27th, 2022, approximately... (CHUCKLES)

...10:32 p.m. Eastern Standard Time,

which is 7:32 Pacific...

God showed me that that wasn't the woman for me.

- (LAUGHTER) - Because my woman...

if I'm worth a couple of hundred million dollars,

my woman ain't gonna let me do no dumb shit like that.

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - My woman's gonna be like,

"Mm-mm, nigga, don't you fuck this money up.

Don't you fuck this money up.

Nigga, we got a lake in our backyard.

I'm not about to swim in no public pool.

- Sit your ass down." - (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

My woman gonna grab my leg like,

"Please don't fuck this money up. Please.

No, I don't want-- Please stop. Please. Listen,

I don't like Coach. I like Chanel.

I know I pronounce it Channel,

but nigga, don't you fuck this money up."

(LAUGHTER)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Sit your ass down!

(MARLON CHUCKLES)

Oh, man. Because ladies, there's a point

where you gotta stop your man from doing dumb shit.

That man's worked 50-some-odd years of his life

for that moment.

Do you know what an Oscar award is to a Black actor?

In 94 years of the Academy Awards,

there have only been four Black men,

four Black men to ever win

- Best Actor. - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, wow.

And Denzel won that shit twice.

- So, really three niggas. - (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

So in that moment, sis,

I need you to grab your man's hand

and go, "Mm-mm, baby. Mm-mm. Don't you do this for me.

This is your moment. Not today. Not today.

But Thursday, we whooping that little skinny nigga's ass."

(LAUGHTER)

I don't-- I don't know what happened to Will.

It looked like he was enjoying the joke.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Right. - Right? He went--

He cracked a joke, Will was laughing

that phony-ass laugh. (IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)

- (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) - (LAUGHTER)

And Jada rolled her eyes up in her head like, "You nigga."

And he went, "Yeah, that shit ain't funny."

(LAUGHTER)

I think she put a spell on that nigga there.

She had a Men in Black voodoo doll

- underneath her chair... - (LAUGHTER)

...'cause that motherfucker, out of nowhere,

he just changed his whole shit up.

So, we saw her roll her eyes up in her head,

but that ain't what she did, she put a spell on him.

- She went... (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) - (LAUGHTER)

And the ghost of Tupac Shakur possessed

Will Smith's body, and then he said...

(IMITATES WILL SMITH) "Nigga, west side."

(LAUGHTER)

Even the way that nigga walked back to his seat,

that wasn't Will's walk.

Nigga, that was Tupac's walk, nigga.

I know that duck-leg walk, nigga.

That duck-leg walk, that's-- I worked with Tupac,

that is Birdie from Above the Rim.

- Nigga got out of the range... - (LAUGHTER)

That is Bishop from Juice, nigga.

- I know that duck-leg walk. - (LAUGHTER)

Look at even the way he was screaming from his seat

all ignorant and shit.

Like Tupac on one of his diss records,

"Keep my wife's name out your motherfucking mouth."

That shit sound like...

♪ First off, East Side Fuck the clique you claim ♪

(LAUGHTER)

You know what? Like when that shit happened, man,

the reason why I'm doing like a set about it,

is because our thing in stand-up, man,

it gotta come from something personal.

And that shit was personal to me

because I know the three of them so well.

And I was hurt when I saw that happen

because I love all the parties involved.

I'm a Black man.

I'm a Black actor, I'm a Black comedian.

So it felt like watching Will slap Chris

like I slapped myself on that stage.

You know, because for Black people,

we worked so hard to be better

and we always wanna blame White folks for this,

White folks for that.

But sometimes, we just gotta be better, yo.

- (APPLAUSE) - We gotta be better.

We was just picketing a few years ago

about Oscars being so White.

And then what happens when we had a Black producer,

we had a Black host?

This was a Black event and we do this shit?

We're gonna turn the Oscars into the Source Awards?

- What the fuck? - (LAUGHTER)

White people like, "That's why we want them so White."

(LAUGHTER)

And I went out that night, man. I went out on Oscar night.

I went out.

And you know what, I'll give it to White folks,

this is the first time in the history,

y'all niggas mind y'all business.

White people didn't know what the fuck to say

- about this shit. I'm serious. - (LAUGHTER)

I went to the Oscar parties, White folks was like...

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

"What are your thoughts? I'm just curious, what are you thinking?"

They had no fucking idea what happened.

And I was depressed. Because you know what?

There's two things, Black people,

we can't do in front of White folks.

One, is fight each other in public spaces.

(CHEERING)

Two, eat watermelon. I know that shit's delicious.

- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) - It's yummy, I love it.

I love it. But, nigga, grab the melon at the barbecue

and go over to the side and eat that shit.

Swallow the seeds, don't leave no proof.

"Oh, look. I see they were eating the melon."

It's a trick. It's cheese in a trap, nigga.

And then, Black people wanna eat it all down

to the white part.

Leave some fucking pink on that bitch, please.

- (LAUGHTER) - What's wrong with you?

It's poison after that.

But you know what? After thinking, I was like,

"Black folks, we're gonna be all right.

This ain't the first time we've been through shit like this."

This-- (SMACK LIPS) Nigga, this is what we do.

This our rhythm. We dope enough to fuck up and go,

"Yeah, we'll do better next year."

- (LAUGHTER) - And we will.

And that's the shit that makes us stronger.

I actually, and this is gonna sound crazy.

I felt really bad... for White people.

- (LAUGHTER) - I felt bad for White folks.

I did. Susan.

(LAUGHTER)

Phil.

- Karen. - (LAUGHTER)

I felt bad because Black people, we like Will. He cool.

You know what I mean?

But he a little bit too buttoned up for--

for Black folks. We like some danger.

We like a little bit of ignorance.

We like some unpredictability.

Like the more money you got as a Black man,

the more you like Will Smith.

The real niggas, we be like, "He cool."

We be like, "He ain't no Martin."

You know what I mean? (CHUCKLES) We love us some Martin.

If Martin would've slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars,

we would be like, "That's just Marty Mar being Marty Mar."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

White people made Will Smith.

Black people, we bootlegged that motherfucker's movies.

White people, they were first in line

because he was the only Black man

in the history of film that ever saved the world.

White males could save the world.

Bruce Willis could save the world.

Sylvester Stallone could save the world.

Arnold Schwarzenegger could save the world.

Ben Affleck can save the world.

Ain't no Black man could save the world except Will Smith.

Eddie Murphy was the biggest star in the world,

he never saved the world successfully.

No. He could save a city.

- Metro, Beverly Hills Cop. - (LAUGHTER)

They never believed Eddie Murphy could save the world.

White folks was like, "No way.

His nostrils are way too big to save the world."

- (LAUGHTER) - "No, no, no.

No way those nostrils could save the world.

Sorry, no. They look like two black holes.

I don't believe it.

Will Smith with that nice, cute Caucasian nose, sure!

He can save the world."

But Will Smith. Oh, my God!

Will Smith, they didn't even know he was Black.

This nigga was a dark-skinned White person to them.

"Will Smith, I love Will Smith.

Huh! Willard Smith, I love Will Smith.

That's a nice White name. Will Smith!"

(LAUGHTER)

Say the name Will Smith and watch White people smile.

(LAUGHS) "I love Will Smith. I love it, Will Smith."

Oh, my God! White women, "That is my hall pass."

White men, "He's my hall pass, too."

- (LAUGHTER) - They love Will Smith.

"Oh, sure, Will Smith saved the world from aliens four times?"

"Of course he can. He's White. Will Smith can save the world."

"Will Smith saved the world from robots?"

"Of course, Will Smith can save the world from robots!"

"Will Smith the last White man in the world?"

"Of course he is. I Am Legend. I'm there. It's Will Smith."

"Will Smith, a cowboy?"

- "Sure. All Whites are cowboys." - (LAUGHTER)

That motherfucker should have his own crayon

- in the crayon box. - (CHEERING)

Will Smith, it look Black and it write White.

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

It's true. Even his music.

His music wasn't made for niggas.

(LAUGHTER)

We don't even relate to what the fuck he talking about.

Nigga, "Parents Just Don't Understand."

That ain't for Black people. It's confusing.

Niggas is like, "What you mean, parents?"

(LAUGHTER)

"Wait, wait, wait. So-- so you mean

there's two of 'em in your household?"

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

"And what you mean by 'understand?'

Like you talk to your parents?

Pfft! All right.

So, is this before or after they whoop your ass?

- 'Cause I'm confused." - (LAUGHTER)

It wasn't made for Black people.

That shit was easy listening hip-hop for niggas.

We listen to that shit in the elevator like, "Hmm."

(LAUGHTER)

Think about it. "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It."

Ain't a nigga in this motherfucker got jiggy. Sorry.

Black people didn't get jiggy. White folks got jiggy.

Oh, my God! You put that shit on, click...

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Gettin' jiggy wit' it Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ We're gettin' jiggy wit' it Na-na, na ♪

Remember, they get low.

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Gettin' jiggy wit' it Na-na, na, na ♪

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

They felt Black as fuck. "We're getting jiggy with it."

This shit ain't nothing but the Carlton dance

- without the hands. - AUDIENCE MEMBER: That's right!

Niggas did not get jiggy.

That song came on, niggas be like...

♪ Nah, nah-nah Nah, nah-nah, nah ♪

(LAUGHTER)

Only song that let Black folks know

that Will Smith was a real nigga was "Summertime."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

That song was made for niggas.

That shit, man! That... You know how many

ribs was burnt at the barbecue to "Summertime"?

How many "Domino, bitches!" was won to that motherfucker?

How many shootouts capped off during "Summertime"?

Well, see... On March 27th, 2022...

- (LAUGHTER) - ...approximately 10:32 p.m.,

Eastern Standard Time,

- which is 7:32... - AUDIENCE: Pacific.

Nigga, you said, "Specific." God damn you, woman.

Pacific!

Black folks and White folks, we was united

'cause we had the same reaction but different.

White people was watching the Oscars,

and they was like, "Oh, God! I love it.

The Oscars, five hours of telling us how great we are."

- (INHALES) - (LAUGHTER)

"So true, I love it. Oh, look at Jada.

- I like the baldy. Cute." - (LAUGHTER)

"Huh! Look at Willard. (LAUGHS) I love that guy."

(LAUGHTER)

"Oh, Chris, that's severely inappropriate."

(LAUGHTER)

"Will, what're you doing? Get down from there.

- Wait, Willard." - (LAUGHTER)

"Big Willy? Oh, God! What in the Christ?

That's a felony! God! That's a fucking felony."

(LAUGHTER)

"Honey, get down here. Get down here, quick.

Wake the kids. Have they had their supper yet?"

- (LAUGHTER) - "I can't believe--

Look at this. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look at--

- (SHUSHES) Quiet." - (LAUGHTER)

"Oh, my God!" (INHALES SHARPLY)

"Do you see-- Yes! It's a felony!

Honey, I hate to say it, but...

(INHALES SHAKILY) ...Will Smith is a nigga."

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

"I can't believe it. We've been hoodwinked, bamboozled,

- led astray, run amok." - (LAUGHTER)

"You're telling me the man in black

is actually Black?"

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

And Black people... (LAUGHS) ...we was watching the awards.

- We was like... (CLICKS TONGUE) - (CHEERING)

"Nigga, this shit's too long, nigga." (BLOWS)

(LAUGHTER)

"Ooh, look at... (INHALES)

...look at Jada, I like that baldy.

(SNIFFS, BLOWS) I'd fuck, I'd fuck."

- (LAUGHTER) - (BLOWS)

"Oh, come on, Chris, that was corny, nigga."

(LAUGHTER)

"Who's this corny, nigga? Sit your ass down. Oh, shit!

- Oh!" - (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"Yo! Oh! Nah, that's a sketch, nigga. That's a sketch."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"No! No, oh! Wait, hold up, hold up, hold up.

Oh, that nigga Chris is crying. Nigga, that shit real."

(LAUGHTER)

"Nigga, either I'm high or this nigga

Will Smith caught a contact. Yo! Babe! Babe! Get in here!

Wake the kids.

Oh, they're already up? Tell 'em to come on downstairs."

(LAUGHTER)

(ULULATES, SHUSHES) "Quiet!" (CONTINUES ULULATING)

- (LAUGHTER) - (ULULATES)

- "Oh, booyah!" - (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

"Oh yeah, that shit real!

That's how you bully niggas in school, my niggas."

- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) - "Yo, babe!

Will Smith...

- is a nigga." - (CHEERING)

♪ Summertime ♪

"I'll fuck with that nigga, no more bootleg.

We're gonna see that nigga's shit.

He can save the world from anything, yo."

(LAUGHTER)

You know...

people always ask me...

"What if that was you?"

And my answer is...

"Come on, man, I'm never gonna slap

Chris Rock at the Oscars."

(LAUGHTER)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Forget the Oscars!

Oh, 'cause you ain't talking about the other shit, nah.

I'm not gonna entertain that stupid shit, bro.

You fucking crazy?

You're going to slap me at the Oscars?

And then this nigga turned his back, slapped,

and walked off like he an action hero.

I'd have said, "Nigga, don't turn your back on me, nigga!"

I would've jump right on that nigga back like, "Nigga!"

(LAUGHTER)

I'm telling y'all, I'd choke that nigga out

to one of his his corny songs. "Nigga..."

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na Na-na, na, na, na-na! ♪

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na! ♪

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

The cover of every magazine is Chris Rock getting slapped?

Fuck that shit! I don't give a fuck.

That ain't going to be it. I'm sorry.

He could be bigger than me, Ali, all that bullshit,

I don't give a fuck. I'm dirty.

- (LAUGHTER) - You gonna slap me

and have me looking like Kid Quick from Punch-Out!!?

- (LAUGHTER) - I'm sorry.

That ain't gonna be the headline,

"Will Smith slaps Marlon Wayans at the Oscars." No.

It's gonna be "Will Smith slaps Marlon Wayans

at the Oscars, then Marlon Wayans proceeds...

to bite Will Smith's dick off." (LAUGHS)

You gonna see me on the cover of Time magazine like this.

- (MUFFLED SCREAM) - (LAUGHTER)

He gonna slap me and then turn his back

with two women holding statues, gold statues.

Those aren't awards anymore.

Those are weapons. I'll be like, "Excuse me, sis.

Nigga, you gonna get this Oscar earlier."

(LAUGHTER)

I'm sorry. We have a saying in the Black community, "On sight."

- AUDIENCE: On sight! - On sight.

You gonna sit there the whole fucking awards show,

nigga, after you slap me? No, nigga, we--

On sight means every time I see you,

we are fighting until I win. Until I win, then we cool.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Man, I'm taking something from you.

I'm taking something you need, nigga.

An eye, a tooth, a kid, a testicle, something going.

You gonna sit there the whole award--

I'd fight this motherfucker every commercial break.

(LAUGHTER)

"And we'll be back with the Oscars

in five, four, three, two..."

"Nigga, you gonna hit me in front of Lupita, motherfucker?"

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

I would've hid-- hid right behind that nigga.

Let me try and get 'im in a hold.

"And we're back with the Oscars in five, four, three, two..."

- (MUFFLED VOICE) "Come here." - (LAUGHTER)

Every chance I get.

You gonna stay there the whole award,

the whole fucking award show. I'm sitting in the crowd.

I'm gonna wait until-- wait for my opportunity.

It's gonna happen sooner or later.

I'm gonna sit there in the crowd

waiting for him to get his Oscar.

I'll be patient. I'll just be waiting there the whole time.

- (CHEERING) - "Yo, yo, this crazy.

Yo, yo, Will about to win this shit?

Y'all, I hope Will win. Right?

I hope Will, yo, fingers crossed.

Come on, Will, right? Yeah."

"And best actor goes to Will Smith."

"Oh, yeah. All right. Nigga, you out yo..."

(LAUGHTER)

"You hit me in front of Tyler and Denzel?

- Nigga, stupid bitch..." - (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Marlon, you crazy!

- (CHEERING) - (LAUGHS)

You fucking crazy, nigga. You crazy.

I'm going to all the parties.

I'ma wait in line. I'll be at Telemundo telecast.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

- "Nigga, you out your..." - (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

♪ Guantanamera Guajira Guantanamera ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ Guajira Guantanamera ♪

I don't like what-- the position that he put Tony Rock in.

Let me tell you something. Before I'm a comedian,

before I'm an actor, before I'm a producer,

before I'm a writer, I am a son, I am a father,

and I'm a brother.

I'd die for any one of those fucking titles.

Don't fuck with my family.

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Period.

If that nigga, Will, would've hit me, I'm sorry,

there's too many niggas in my family.

We ain't a family. We a fucking gang, nigga.

There's the Crips, the Bloods, and the Wayans.

What the fuck you think this W is for?

That shit ain't for westside.

That's Wayan-Tang all fucking day.

(APPLAUSE)

If that nigga Will were to hit me...

- (SCREECHING) - (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Shawn would've zip-lined in. (SCREECHES)

Old-ass Keenen and Damon flying in

like pterodactyls. (IMITATES PTERODACTYLS SQUAWKING)

(LAUGHS) Two thousand nephews coming... (ULULATES)

...like pigeons. (COOING)

He'd have grabbed Will by his ears,

"Get him nigga. Contact, motherfucker."

(LAUGHTER)

My nephews... Oh, I'd have all my nephews surround Jaden.

"Yeah, nigga. Yeah.

Put the dress on, little bitch. Put the dress on."

(LAUGHTER)

"Nah, put him in the Batman costume.

- Put him in the Batman costume." - (LAUGHTER)

And Jada. Shit, we got something for Jada, too.

- You think you bald now? - (LAUGHTER)

I got four fat Black sisters that y'all have never heard of.

We keep them bitches in cages

for special emergencies like this.

Vonnie, Elvira, Diedra, Nadia, and Devonne.

They love to pull hair. That's their go-to move.

They would've sat her down at the park bench

and stapled hair in her head

and pulled her ass all over Hollywood.

(LAUGHTER)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Marlon, you crazy. We love you.

And y'all like, "What about Willow?"

"Leave the girl. Let somebody tell the tale."

(LAUGHTER)

I will say this, Will Smith owed Chris Rock

an apology in that moment.

The quicker you get to "I'm sorry,"

the quicker we can heal.

Like, even if you-- I know you worth

a couple hundred million dollars,

and you got too much pride and ego to be like,

"I'm sorry." Just hit him with a... "My bad." That's all.

Black folks, we would've understood that.

He pacifically said sorry. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

But I was mad he didn't apologize.

That man deserved an apology.

You apologized to everybody except Chris? Come on, bro.

I was so mad at Will, I wanted to jump him with Chris

when that shit happened. I thought it was unfair.

And I text Rock, "You okay? What city is your face in?"

- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHTER)

But he didn't apologize to that man. That shit hurt me.

He owed Chris an apology, and if you gonna double down

on your ignorance then not apologize,

then fuck it, don't apologize to nobody,

so don't do no apology.

The next day, do a fucking press conference.

Call it, "Sorry, not sorry."

It be like LeBron James when he went

from Cleveland to Miami.

I'm sending Black kids to college on scholarships,

and I'm telling the world, I'm gonna show up,

black suit, white shirt...

like I'm going to the Oscars, black tie,

and I pull up and be like, "Yo...

(CLEARS THROAT)

...'sup?

I wanna start by saying sorry, not sorry."

- (AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIMING) - "I don't give a fuck.

I'm rich. Y'all can suck my dick down to the stick part."

(CHEERING)

"To my brother, Chris Rock, yeah, I slapped you. So what?

Say something else, I'll slap you again, pussy.

I don't give a fuck. I'm a real nigga.

I'll slap Chris Rock, Tony Rock, The Rock, Fraggle Rock."

- I don't give a fuck." - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"To my wife, Jada...

I love you.

But bitch, if you ever have another entanglement again,

I swear to God, I'm fucking you up.

That red table's gonna be your blood, bitch."

(LAUGHTER)

"I slapped that nigga's face

'cause he looked like August Alsina.

- He looked like that motherfucker." - (LAUGHTER)

"Matter of fact, we ain't never saying

the word August again. We taking that shit.

August don't exist in the calendar.

We going June, July, September."

(LAUGHTER)

"I wanna say to the Academy, fuck y'all.

How you gonna give these awards to fucking King Richard?

I ain't deserve it for that shit,

me talking like Buckwheat. I deserved that shit

for fucking Pursuit of Happyness."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"I deserved that shit for Ali."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"I deserved it for Six Degrees of Separation

when I kissed that White boy.

I can still taste his mayonnaise all in my mouth."

(LAUGHTER)

"I wanna say to all my White fans, all my White fans..."

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) "Fooled you, niggas.

- I'm Black." - (LAUGHTER)

"My name's not Willard Smith. It's Will Smith.

Pronounced with two Fs like the gun. Smiff."

(LAUGHTER)

"And, lastly, I'm a real nigga,

so in the immortal words of my nigga Loc Dog,

from Don't Be a Menace, 'Y'all suck my dick, lick ass.

Gs up, hoes down. Good night, bitches.'"

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Then, I'll go in my jacket pocket

and I'll pull out some Ray-Bans...

then I'll go in my other pocket,

and I'll pull out that neuralyzer

from Men in Black

and I'd erase all you fucking people's memory.

I'll be like, "Watch the birdie."

- (BLOWS, POPS) - (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

Then I'd press play like nothing had ever happened.

Press play and be like... (CLICKS TONGUE)

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHTER)

I've known Will Smith...

since I was 19, 20 years old.

He's always been that dude, you know?

You know, when you an actor and you look at those guys,

he's always been an example.

And the way he held us down for so long,

that shit should be applauded.

You know, we were kinda like rivals.

You know, he was on NBC, I was on the WB.

He had three letters in his acronym.

We were ghetto as fuck. I could only afford two.

- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) - Will Smith, man.

All these roles used to always go to him first, right?

I went in for Men in Black,

it looked like the hanger was still in the suit.

I went in to audition,

the director literally laughed at me. He said,

"You're supposed to be a CIA operative.

- You look more like a vacuum cleaner salesman." - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw.

And this happened on every role that I went out for.

And see, in Hollywood, they have this thing,

it's called one nigga at a time.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah. - And this is real.

There's only room for one Black man to make it

at a time, up until recently.

Understand, back in the day, especially in the '80s,

you had Eddie Murphy, that was it.

Then Wesley Snipes got a chance,

and Denzel got a chance, and then came my brother, Damon,

then came Martin Lawrence, then came Will,

and Will held that slot for so long,

and I used to pray. I used to be like,

"This nigga gonna fall off sooner or later."

I'm getting ready, I'm hitting the gym, like,

I'm getting my shit together.

"He's gonna fall and I'ma get my chance."

It never came.

This nigga been hot for 30 fucking years.

He's never fell off.

He got bigger and bigger and bigger, and I was like,

- "Fuck, God. I need a miracle." - (LAUGHTER)

- Then, on March 27th, 2022... - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

...approximately 10:32 p.m. Eastern Standard Time,

- which is 7:32... - AUDIENCE: Pacific.

Pacific. At this point, who gives a fuck?

(LAUGHTER)

When Chris Rock cracked a joke on Will Smith's wife

and Will Smith got up...

and slapped the shit out of Chris Rock.

That had nothing to do with Chris,

nothing to do with Jada, nothing to do with Will.

I told y'all.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: God loves you! - God fucking loves me.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Because all these roles that this man had,

they started coming loose.

And in that moment, I fucking realized something.

God loves me,

because none of those roles are for me.

That's for that man.

That-- a man who upheld Black excellence

as long as he did, we should be proud of.

He did something that no other man did,

and he deserves to be forgiven for a moment

of being fucked up,

- because we all have shit. - (APPLAUSE)

We all have shit moments.

He just so happened to have the worst moment

- on the best day. - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Right.

And I don't wanna be what Will Smith is.

You don't thirst for anybody else's career

except your own.

We so busy looking over at other people's yards

that we ain't looking at our own.

God has blessed the fuck out of me.

If I was Will, I wouldn't be me.

I wouldn't have written and produced and starred in 15,

16 fucking movies.

I wouldn't have created my own television show

since 18 years old.

I have been so blessed on this journey that God,

man, he's been nothing but good.

Chris Rock, I'm grateful to my brother

for checking my chin.

I quit for 20 years, and now, I'm back on stage,

and I'm grateful that a GOAT...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

...that a GOAT and a big brother took the time

to check my chin in a way that, maybe,

my brothers would've never. You made me better,

and I love you for that, brother.

I'm thankful to Jada for teaching me about love,

about forgiving, about unconditional,

about devastation, and about healing.

And may we all take this time to forgive those

that made mistakes,

because it's all a part of the journey

and it's all a part of love. I never wanted to be Will Smith.

I never wanted to be Chris Rock. I'm just grateful to God,

he made me Marlon fucking Wayans.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

God loves me, and remember, God loves you, too.

Thank y'all. Good night.

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - ♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪