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♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

What's happening, Atlanta?
How we feeling?

(CHEERING)

MARLON WAYANS: Thank you.

Thank you.
I appreciate it. Thank you.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER:
We love you, Marlon.
- I love you, too.

Thank you, baby. Thank you.

See, that's why I came
to Atlanta to film my special.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPING)

'Cause y'all
make me feel special.

(CHUCKLING)

I wanna start by saying,
God loves me.

- I don't know about you niggas.
- (LAUGHTER)

I knew God loved me
on March 27th, 2022,

approximately 10:32 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time,

which is 7:32...

Pacific.

Or as half you niggas
wanna say, "Specific."

- (LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS)

But I knew God loved me
at that time,

'cause at that time...

was when Chris Rock

cracked a joke
on Jada Pinkett Smith...

(LAUGHTER)

...and Will Smith got up
and slapped the shit

out of one of the greatest
comedians of all time.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yeah!

You know, that had nothing
to do with Will,

nothing to do with Jada,
nothing to do with Chris.

- It was my fault.
- (LAUGHTER)

All right, here's the story.

I've known Chris Rock,
or knew of Chris Rock,

since I was, I think,
12, 13 years old.

My brother Keenen
did a movie called

- I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

There was a role
in I'm Gonna Git You Sucka

that my brother gave me,
he's like,

"You're gonna play this role
called The Rib Man."

Now, I had worked my ass off
learning these lines

for this role all spring long,
and in summertime

I was supposed to go out
and I was supposed to film it.

But my brother called me up.

I was still in school
and I couldn't get out in time.

And my brother said,
Keenen goes...

(IMITATES KEENEN)
"...Well, I'm sorry, Marlon,

but we're gonna have to move on
with this project."

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

"And I can't wait
for you to get out of school,

there's a whole production
going on, I gotta film,

so we're gonna give this role
to Chris Rock."

I said,
"Who the fuck is Chris Rock?"

(IMITATES KEENEN) He says,
"He's an up-and-coming comedian,

he's really funny, and I think
this role will be good for him."

I said, "Fuck that nigga,
I don't know him."

(LAUGHTER)

"Keenen, I'm your brother,
we came out the same dick,

why you giving this role
to him?"

(LAUGHTER)

(IMITATES KEENEN) "Oh, because
he worked real hard in Hollywood

and this is his opportunity,

and there'll be
other opportunities for you.

Don't worry, little brother,

I'm still gonna give you
a role."

And my brother kept his promise,
he gave me the role...

- as Pedestrian Number Two.
- (LAUGHTER)

Not as glamorous
as The Rib Man, right?

If you watch the movie,
I'm in the movie for a second,

you have to-- it's when Flyguy
is walking down the street,

he has goldfish in his shoe.

Shoe breaks. Pause right there,
you will see a young-faced...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

...pigeon-toed Marlon Wayans,
like this.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!

But Chris Rock wound up
doing The Rib Man,

and The Rib Man
wound up blowing up,

and catapulted Chris Rock
into stardom.

- I fucking cried that day, man.
- (LAUGHTER)

I did. Not to be a hater,
but I just felt like,

"That was my opportunity

and you fucking gave it
to Chris Rock."

Fast forward to,

I'm at the premiere
of I'm Gonna Git You Sucka,

I'm about 14, 15 years old,
but I look--

I've always looked young.

Like, I looked like a--
a fetus at that age.

Like, I didn't go
through puberty for a long time.

Like, I remember I had--
I was 15, 14,

- I had, like, two dick hairs.
- (LAUGHTER)

I was-- I was young,
I was still a virgin,

I never, you know...

I didn't know nothing
about women like that.

You know, all I know is
I was at the premiere,

and I was talking
to this really pretty girl.

Her name was Nicole.

Now, Nicole was like,
19, 20 years old.

I was 15, looking seven.

And so I'm talking to this girl
and she's laughing. She goes,

"You funny, Lil Wayan."
I said, "Thank you."

I said, "You think
I could get your number?"

She goes,
"Boy, I will break you."

- I said, "Please."
- (LAUGHTER)

She said, "I'm 19 years old,
you are jailbait."

I said, "You can molest me,
I won't tell nobody."

- (LAUGHTER)
- I said, "How about this.

How about you give me
your number

and then I'll call you,
and when I'm 18 years old,

and then
maybe we could get married?"

- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Aw!
- That's exactly what she said.

- She said, "Aw!"
- (LAUGHTER)

"You know what, you are so cute.

How about this.
I'ma give you my number

and you call me when you're 18."
I said, "Okay."

So, she went down to write down
her pager number...

- Yeah, it was that far back.
- (LAUGHTER)

And just as she's writing
it down, all I hear is,

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"What the fuck you trying to do
with that pussy?"

(LAUGHTER)

I look over,
and who is it? Chris Rock.

- (LAUGHTER)
- And this was Chris Rock

before the money Chris Rock.

Like, he looked fucked up. Ugh!

- (LAUGHTER)
- He had a Jheri curl,

but didn't have enough money
for all the grease...

(LAUGHTER)

...so it was like
dry Jheri curl,

but he had a shag

so the grease
would drip onto his shoulders.

And he was like
three-different-color Black.

- I don't know what his--
- (LAUGHTER)

Like, he was the color
of violence.

Like it was like a--
It was like a dull shine.

Nigga looking like a--
looked like a Glock 45.

- (LAUGHTER)
- And it wasn't an even Black.

It was different,
it was iridescent.

Nigga looked
like eggplant Black,

you know, dull Black.

He looked
like Charlamagne tha God,

- three years ago.
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

And so I look over at Chris,

and Chris has always been
like a mean stepbrother to me.

You know, we got the same momma
but different daddies,

and my daddy actually comes
and takes me to the park

and sends child support,

and that nigga's daddy
just leave him on the stoop,

so he hates me. It-- We had
that kinda relationship.

So, out of nowhere I hear...

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"...What the fuck you trying
to do with that pussy?"

He goes, "Get the fuck
outta here, nigga.

She don't wanna be with you.

You only got
two fucking dick hairs."

(LAUGHTER)

"You ain't never seen
a pussy before.

Last pussy you seen
was your momma's, 12 years ago."

He grabs the girl's hand
and he goes, "Come on."

He walks off.

He looks back and he goes...

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"...Nigga,

she don't wanna be
with no Pedestrian Number Two."

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIMING)

"She's about to fuck
the rib man."

And he walked off
with what could've been my wife.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw!
- I was so sad, y'all.

A tear welled up in my eye,
and one rolled down my cheek

like that tear that Denzel had
in the movie Glory.

(LAUGHTER)

And I was so heartbroken, man.
But it kept going.

Fast forward to,
now I'm 19 years old,

doing stand-up comedy
in Los Angeles

at the Laugh Factory.

It's probably my tenth time
doing stand-up.

Let me tell you something
about this art form.

This is the hardest shit
anybody wants to do.

This is a very hard art form,
and you know why?

Because you evil
drunk motherfuckers

love to see a nigga bomb.

Y'all ain't shit,
you came here to see me bomb.

I know. I know, nigga.

That's why New York niggas
went to see T.I.,

they wanted to see
this nigga bomb.

- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
- You evil motherfuckers.

So I'm doing stand-up comedy
at the Laugh Factory.

And it's funny because
because when you're a young

stand-up comic, right,

you write all these jokes
and-- and you perform them.

Every joke you tell,
you give it your all.

Like you put all your forthright
and gusto into it,

and you wait to be loved
by the audience,

you wait for y'all response.
You be like... (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

- "Love me."
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes.

And when a joke don't land,
every young comedian

will grab the microphone stand,

and he'll grab it
like a security blanket.

And he'll look down at the floor

because he forgot
his entire set. (SIGHS)

And he'll nervously say,
"Um..." (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

- "...what else is funny?"
- (LAUGHTER)

Well, I made the mistake

of saying that shit
at the Laugh Factory

when I was 19 years old
and all I hear is...

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"...I don't know, nigga."

(LAUGHTER)

"You supposed to be
the fucking comedian.

Why don't you tell us
what the fuck is funny, nigga?"

(LAUGHTER)

I look at the crowd,
and all I see

is this Black skin
and these two yellow eyes

- walking toward me.
- (LAUGHTER)

I-- I didn't know what it was.
I thought it was a Coca-Cola

- with two lemons coming my way.
- (LAUGHTER)

And I said, "Who's that?"
And out of nowhere he goes...

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"It's somebody a whole lot
funnier than you, nigga.

I'll tell you that much,
motherfucker."

He finally comes to the light,
and who is it?

- AUDIENCE: Chris Rock.
- Fucking Chris Rock,

my evil older stepbrother
in comedy.

And this is Chris Rock
after I'm Gonna Git You Sucka,

after New Jack City,
after his special Big Ass Jokes,

right before he performed
Bring the Pain,

which catapulted him
into greatness.

This man sat there
at the front of the stage

and heckled me my entire set.

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"Come on, nigga.
Where the jokes at?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I thought you were
supposed to be a Wayans.

Which one are you? Pedo?"

(LAUGHTER)

- "Oh, that's right, you Marlon."
- (LAUGHTER)

Nigga sat there
and literally demolished me.

- I bombed that night.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw!

- I quit stand-up.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: No!

I swear to God, I quit
stand-up comedy for 20 years,

I was that broken.
I was humiliated,

I didn't feel funny and I--
I was like, "Yo, fuck comedy.

I'm just gonna write movies
and do TV,

- I don't need stand-up."
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Don't clap,
I was a bitch-ass nigga,

- I quit comedy.
- (LAUGHTER)

I was hurt, man,
I was really hurt.

I called my brothers up,
I was like,

I was like, "Damon...
(BREATHES HEAVILY)

...Chris Rock heckled me
at the club."

He said... (IMITATES DAMON)
"...Well, nigga,
you probably wasn't funny."

(LAUGHTER)

I prayed on it, man.

I was like, "God,
I wanna kill him.

God, give me the strength."

And God was like, "No, son.
Vengeance is mine."

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

Fast forward
to March 27th, 2022...

(APPLAUSE)

...approximately 10:32 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time,

which is 7:32 Pacific,

when funny little Chris Rock

cracked a joke
on Jada Pinkett Smith

and Will Smith
mysteriously got up...

- (LAUGHTER)
- ...and slapped the shit...

out of one of the greatest
comedians that ever lived.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

And everybody was like,
"Why, why would he do that?"

Well, it had nothing to do
with Chris,

nothing to do with Will,
nothing to do with Jada.

I told you, motherfuckers.

God loves me!

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

Oh, did you hear
what that slap said?

Oh, that was a hard slap.
That was--

That slap had
three slaps in one slap.

Only God could put
a slap together like that.

That slap said,
"This is for taking

- Marlon's part."
- (CHEERING)

"For taking his girl...

and for humiliating him,
you skinny mother--"

- (LAUGHTER)
- AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Yeah! (CHUCKLES)

Oh, I laughed that day, boy.
Ooh, I had a little... (LAUGHS)

- (LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS)

I love Chris, but goddamn,
that shit was funny.

Because Will, the smack,
he didn't see that shit coming?

Like, Will--
'cause Will wound up so much,

his body like a cartoon,

- it went around itself. (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER)

Like a windy toy. (LAUGHS)

Like, his hand swept
through America.

It went through the--
the... (LAUGHS)

...the valleys of California,

through the mountains
of Montana,

the lakes of Michigan,
the winds of Chicago,

came down to Atlanta,
touched all the Black kids

selling water
or trying to rob your ass,

- And then--
- (LAUGHTER)

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS)

Yo-- (LAUGHS)

You know what's fucked up...
(LAUGHS)

...is the follow-through.
That nigga--

Will meant that shit.

That nigga followed through
like a golfer.

You know what I mean? Anyway--

- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
- AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Going, going, going, going...

(LAUGHS) You know
what's fucked up?

He slapped Chris so hard,

Chris didn't know
where the fuck he was.

He--
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY, LAUGHS)

- (LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS)

He slapped that nigga
into a different award show.

- (LAUGHTER)
- He slapped that motherfucker

out... (LAUGHS) ...the Oscars
into the Grammys.

(LAUGHTER)

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"And the nominees
for best music artist

- of the year are...
- (LAUGHTER)

...Dua Lipa." (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS) Oh, shit.

Man, I laughed that day,
I laughed that day.

I got on my back. (LAUGHS)

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

I laughed so hard, nigga,

I rewound that bitch...
(LAUGHS) ...I rewound--

I played that shit
so many times,

- kept playing it back--
- (LAUGHTER)

- Pause. (SCREAMS)
- (LAUGHTER)

- In fast motion.
- (LAUGHTER)

My favorite was slow-motion.
(SLOW-MOTION GROAN)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS
SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, shit, man. Oh, shit.

Oh, man, oh! Whoo!

(LAUGHS) Whoo!

(LAUGHS) Oh, shit, man.
But I laughed.

Whoa! Shit. Oh, man.

I gotta give-- (LAUGHS)

I gotta give it
to Chris Rock though,

- that-- His...
- (LAUGHTER)

...lack of... (LAUGHS)
...reaction was a strong--

- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER)

I think I caught a contact high

- from your nigga's weed, listen.
- (LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

I gotta give it to Chris Rock.
I gotta give it to my brother.

His... lack of reaction

was one of the strongest
reactions I've ever seen

a human being achieve.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I ain't seen a strong reaction
that strong since like Gandhi.

(LAUGHTER)

- Martin Luther King.
- (CHEERING)

Evander Holyfield
when Mike Tyson bit

that nigga's ear off
and all he did was this--

- Nig--
- (LAUGHTER)

Because Chris Rock
single-handedly held together

the last fabric
of Black excellence

- we had left.
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

And that leads me to believe
one or two things

about my brother, Chris Rock.

Either he is
the strongest Black man

- that God ever created.
- (LAUGHTER)

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Or?
- Or he is truly

one bitch-ass nigga
'cause this--

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS) Nigga didn't even--
He didn't even act

like he was gonna hit him back.
He didn't do none of this.

You know what I mean?
He didn't put his hands up.

I ain't see
his little claws curl up.

That nigga just took it.

And then complimented Will
on the slap.

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"I can't believe Will Smith
just slapped me at the Oscars."

(LAUGHTER)

"This is the best moment
in Oscar history.

I'm never gonna wash
my cheek again." (LAUGHS)

The real punk shit was
Will screaming from his chair.

(IMITATES WILL SMITH)
"Keep my wife's name

- out your motherfucking mouth."
- (LAUGHTER)

And this nigga, Chris, said...
(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"...That's a good idea."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS) I was like--

That's when
I wanted to jump in.

I was like, "No,
enough of this shit, nigga."

(LAUGHTER)

First of all,
Will, you too damn big

to be hitting little Chris Rock.

You know better.
Come on, Chris-- Chris...

I can see
if Jada slapped Chris Rock,

that's a fair fight.

But, Will, come on,
you are an action hero.

This man played Ali,
lifting weights.

He knows how to box.
I've seen him in I Am Legend,

doing backward pull-ups
and lifting weights. Come on.

Chris Rock has been stereotyped
as a crack head

in 96.5 percent
of all his movies.

It's like that's
the first person

they think about,
like word association.

- Crack head, Rock.
- (LAUGHTER)

Like the heaviest thing
Chris Rock ever lifted

in a movie... (CHUCKLES)
...was the crack pipe

in New Jack City.

And the nigga
struggled with that.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHUCKLES)

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

G.I. Jane wasn't worth
slapping Chris Rock over.

It was a compliment.

Now,
if he would've called her...

Gollum... (LAUGHS)

...from Lord of the Rings,
you know what I mean?

(LAUGHTER)

(HISSES)

(IMITATES GOLLUM) "My precious."

Then you could slap the shit
out that man.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, shit, man. Oh, man.

Whoo! (EXHALES)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- (MARLON CHUCKLING)
- (AUDIENCE MEMBERS
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

I've known...

Jada Pinkett Smith
since I was 18, 19 years old.

I met her backstage
at In Living Color,

my brother's TV show
in the '90s.

(CHEERING)

And I walked
in his dressing room

and I saw her.

I saw Jada
and I was immediately smitten.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw!
- Like, this woman was so smart,

so knowledgeable,
so multi-talented.

She could sing. She could dance.
She could rap.

She could write poetry.

You know, people say I've lived
five, six, seven times.

She's been here five times

and she probably lived
to the ripe age

of 127 each time.

Jada Pinkett is Cleopatra.
She is Joan of Arc.

She is Helen Martin from 227.
This woman...

(LAUGHTER)

And when I saw her,
like I seen that face

and I immediately was like,
"Oh, my God,

this is the most beautiful
little boy I've ever seen."

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

No, 'cause... (LAUGHS)
...she ain't got no body.

Y'all know this woman.
She ain't got no body.

She ain't got no titties.
She got nipples,

- but she ain't got no titty.
- (LAUGHTER)

(CHUCKLES) You know what I mean?
She ain't got no ass.

She got a crack and a hole.
We know she shits.

But I don't know
how she sit down.

She must keep sliding
'til she hit the hook
on her head.

It's like,
"All right, right there's good."

(LAUGHTER)

And I immediately got
her number

and me and Jada became like...
best friends.

Like, I moved out to California.

She lived a couple of minutes
from me,

and I spent the night
at her house.

She would stay a night
at my house.

We'd just hang out
like two innocent little kids.

And this woman was so smart.

She used to teach me
about love.

She had power words
and descriptions of love.

When she was 19,
she was telling me shit like,

- "Love is acceptance."
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah, it is.

- "Love is unconditional."
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: It is!

"Love has no expectations

because then
you will be disappointed.

Love involves devastation.
Love is forgiving.

And real love is healing."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Do you know how hard
my little 19-year-old dick was

- hearing these big power words?
- (LAUGHTER)

But I never told Jada
I had a crush on her.

I never did. I just--
I was always like,

you know, I used to play
her little songs

with, like, little--
little hints in them.

I remember one time
I played her Stevie Wonder's

"Too Shy to Say."

And then she played me back
En Vogue's "Never Gonna Get It."

(LAUGHTER)

We just became
best friends, man.

And I hung out with her
so much, she used to--

We used to write poetry
and we'd share the poetry.

Her shit was so like--
She had similes and metaphors

and shit that public school
didn't teach you. I was like--

And me, my shit was basic.

I was like,
"I think you pretty.

- Can I suck your titty?"
- (LAUGHTER)

- "I know it's itty-bitty."
- (LAUGHTER)

- "But that will be litty."
- (LAUGHTER)

I was like-- (LAUGHS)
It was funny, like--

like, we hung out so much

and she felt
so comfortable with me,

like I became
like her gay friend.

- You know what I mean?
- AUDIENCE: Aw!

Like the gay best friend.

I don't trust gay friends
with the pretty girls.

Y'all niggas ain't gay.

You are undercover straight.
You lying motherfuckers.

'Cause I played that part.
I was like,

"Bitch, let me see
your clitoris."

(LAUGHTER)

"Oh, girl, you gonna wear it
in the hood or out?

Oh, look at that shit. Gangster!
Your clitoris gangster."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS
SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHUCKLES)

"Girl, can you teach me
how to suck dick on my dick?

- Come here."
- (LAUGHTER)

"Ooh, is that how you do it?

Get off me.
Oh, that's nasty, bitch."

- (CHUCKLES)
- (LAUGHTER)

I love me some Jada, man.

And then one day
Jada called me up

and she said, "Marlon,
come through, nigga,

we about to take
this relationship

to a whole 'nother level."

And in my head, I was like,

"Oh my God.
Jada's gonna fuck me."

I drove over
to her house so fast.

(IMITATES TIRES SCREECHING)

She goes, "Marlon,
I wanna introduce you

to someone special."

I was like,
"Oh, she's gonna fuck me

- with a friend." (CHUCKLES)
- (LAUGHTER)

I said, "Where she at?
Where she at?"

"Right here."

And I look on the couch
and who's sitting there...

but the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

- (AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIMING)
- Oh, I was so mad. I was hating.

'Cause Will has always been
a grown-ass man.

This-- I don't think this nigga
ever went through puberty.

He was born with a chest
and a mustache.

This nigga has literally been
a handsome man. Like me,

I-- I just went through puberty
probably two years ago.

And he was sitting there
just looking like

fucking the Prince Charming.

And he was sitting there
and he was laughing.

You know that-- you know Will
with that phony-ass laugh?

You know how-- You know how--
(IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHTER)

(IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)

And Jada, she's just laughing.

(IMITATES JADA PINKETT SMITH
LAUGHING)

With her little frog legs,
just dancing all over his lap.

And he would laugh
and they would kiss, "Baby."

(IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)
And he would tongue her down

and then give me
that mean-ass Will Smith smirk.

- (IMITATES WILL SMITH KISSING)
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

That nigga knew
what he was doing.

Yeah, I had a crush on her.
And that motherfucker knew.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Holy shit.

I remember leaving that house
that day heartbroken.

And I learned that love...

is learning to let go.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Because I'm gonna be
100 percent honest with you,

what they had,
their connection...

that's some shit
you see in the movies,

like in those romantic comedies
where you go,

"Aw. Yeah."

That man was her prince.

And I couldn't compete
with that.

They had this connection, man.
Their spirits were dancing.

And they would go on
to get married

and to be an example
for all us Black people.

You know, we all look
to those couples.

That shit's important for us
as a race.

To be able to build
those couples

that stick it through
no matter what.

You know what I mean?
Not just on TV shows,

- but in real fucking life.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

The Barack and the Michelles,

- the Jay-Z, Beyonce.
- (CHEERING)

You know what I mean?
The Will and Jada.

That shit mean something to us.

And I-- I gotta respect that.

She would help him
amount a fortune

of damn near a couple
of hundred million dollars.

They made
these two beautiful children.

I don't know what planet
them niggas is from.

(LAUGHTER)

But, you know what I mean?
They are special.

Them little-- I don't know
what gender they are,

like them gender neutral,
race unspecific.

I don't know
if they're Puerto Rican, Black.

I don't know
if the boy is the girl

and the girl is the boy.
I don't fucking know.

- (LAUGHTER)
- All I know is

that they don't speak
like normal people.

They are brilliant,
brilliant beyond their years.

These niggas was born
in the matrix or the metaverse.

These are not children,
they are avatars.

(LAUGHTER)

But those little kids...
are special.

And I know why,
because their mom is special,

their dad is special.
And I had to honor that.

And for years, I'd be hurt,
you know what I'm saying?

- I'm 50 years old now.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Single,
still ain't found my queen.

And I sit there
and I'm like, "Damn."

I'm like, "Damn, maybe--

maybe that was the one
that got away."

And I asked God, I'm like,
"God, show me a sign...

that that woman wasn't for me."

(LAUGHTER)

Then on March 27th, 2022,
approximately... (CHUCKLES)

...10:32 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time,

which is 7:32 Pacific...

God showed me that
that wasn't the woman for me.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Because my woman...

if I'm worth a couple
of hundred million dollars,

my woman ain't gonna let me do
no dumb shit like that.

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- My woman's gonna be like,

"Mm-mm, nigga,
don't you fuck this money up.

Don't you fuck this money up.

Nigga, we got a lake
in our backyard.

I'm not about to swim
in no public pool.

- Sit your ass down."
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

My woman gonna
grab my leg like,

"Please don't fuck
this money up. Please.

No, I don't want-- Please stop.
Please. Listen,

I don't like Coach.
I like Chanel.

I know I pronounce it Channel,

but nigga,
don't you fuck this money up."

(LAUGHTER)

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Sit your ass down!

(MARLON CHUCKLES)

Oh, man. Because ladies,
there's a point

where you gotta stop your man
from doing dumb shit.

That man's worked
50-some-odd years of his life

for that moment.

Do you know what an Oscar award
is to a Black actor?

In 94 years
of the Academy Awards,

there have only been
four Black men,

four Black men to ever win

- Best Actor.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, wow.

And Denzel won that shit twice.

- So, really three niggas.
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

So in that moment, sis,

I need you
to grab your man's hand

and go, "Mm-mm, baby. Mm-mm.
Don't you do this for me.

This is your moment.
Not today. Not today.

But Thursday, we whooping
that little skinny nigga's ass."

(LAUGHTER)

I don't-- I don't know
what happened to Will.

It looked like
he was enjoying the joke.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Right.
- Right? He went--

He cracked a joke,
Will was laughing

that phony-ass laugh.
(IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)

- (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
- (LAUGHTER)

And Jada rolled her eyes up
in her head like, "You nigga."

And he went,
"Yeah, that shit ain't funny."

(LAUGHTER)

I think she put a spell
on that nigga there.

She had
a Men in Black voodoo doll

- underneath her chair...
- (LAUGHTER)

...'cause that motherfucker,
out of nowhere,

he just changed
his whole shit up.

So, we saw her roll her eyes
up in her head,

but that ain't what she did,
she put a spell on him.

- She went...
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
- (LAUGHTER)

And the ghost
of Tupac Shakur possessed

Will Smith's body,
and then he said...

(IMITATES WILL SMITH)
"Nigga, west side."

(LAUGHTER)

Even the way that nigga walked
back to his seat,

that wasn't Will's walk.

Nigga, that was
Tupac's walk, nigga.

I know that
duck-leg walk, nigga.

That duck-leg walk, that's--
I worked with Tupac,

that is Birdie
from Above the Rim.

- Nigga got out of the range...
- (LAUGHTER)

That is Bishop
from Juice, nigga.

- I know that duck-leg walk.
- (LAUGHTER)

Look at even the way
he was screaming from his seat

all ignorant and shit.

Like Tupac
on one of his diss records,

"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."

That shit sound like...

♪ First off, East Side
Fuck the clique you claim ♪

(LAUGHTER)

You know what? Like when
that shit happened, man,

the reason why I'm doing like
a set about it,

is because our thing
in stand-up, man,

it gotta come
from something personal.

And that shit
was personal to me

because I know the three
of them so well.

And I was hurt
when I saw that happen

because I love
all the parties involved.

I'm a Black man.

I'm a Black actor,
I'm a Black comedian.

So it felt like watching
Will slap Chris

like I slapped myself
on that stage.

You know,
because for Black people,

we worked so hard to be better

and we always wanna blame
White folks for this,

White folks for that.

But sometimes,
we just gotta be better, yo.

- (APPLAUSE)
- We gotta be better.

We was just picketing
a few years ago

about Oscars being so White.

And then what happens
when we had a Black producer,

we had a Black host?

This was a Black event
and we do this shit?

We're gonna turn the Oscars
into the Source Awards?

- What the fuck?
- (LAUGHTER)

White people like, "That's why
we want them so White."

(LAUGHTER)

And I went out that night, man.
I went out on Oscar night.

I went out.

And you know what,
I'll give it to White folks,

this is the first time
in the history,

y'all niggas mind
y'all business.

White people didn't know
what the fuck to say

- about this shit. I'm serious.
- (LAUGHTER)

I went to the Oscar parties,
White folks was like...

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

"What are your thoughts?
I'm just curious,
what are you thinking?"

They had no fucking idea
what happened.

And I was depressed.
Because you know what?

There's two things,
Black people,

we can't do in front
of White folks.

One, is fight each other
in public spaces.

(CHEERING)

Two, eat watermelon.
I know that shit's delicious.

- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
- It's yummy, I love it.

I love it. But, nigga,
grab the melon at the barbecue

and go over to the side
and eat that shit.

Swallow the seeds,
don't leave no proof.

"Oh, look. I see
they were eating the melon."

It's a trick.
It's cheese in a trap, nigga.

And then, Black people
wanna eat it all down

to the white part.

Leave some fucking pink
on that bitch, please.

- (LAUGHTER)
- What's wrong with you?

It's poison after that.

But you know what?
After thinking, I was like,

"Black folks,
we're gonna be all right.

This ain't the first time
we've been through shit
like this."

This-- (SMACK LIPS)
Nigga, this is what we do.

This our rhythm. We dope enough
to fuck up and go,

"Yeah, we'll do better
next year."

- (LAUGHTER)
- And we will.

And that's the shit
that makes us stronger.

I actually,
and this is gonna sound crazy.

I felt really bad...
for White people.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I felt bad for White folks.

I did. Susan.

(LAUGHTER)

Phil.

- Karen.
- (LAUGHTER)

I felt bad because Black people,
we like Will. He cool.

You know what I mean?

But he a little bit
too buttoned up for--

for Black folks.
We like some danger.

We like a little bit
of ignorance.

We like some unpredictability.

Like the more money you got
as a Black man,

the more you like Will Smith.

The real niggas,
we be like, "He cool."

We be like,
"He ain't no Martin."

You know what I mean? (CHUCKLES)
We love us some Martin.

If Martin would've slapped
Chris Rock at the Oscars,

we would be like, "That's just
Marty Mar being Marty Mar."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

White people made Will Smith.

Black people, we bootlegged
that motherfucker's movies.

White people,
they were first in line

because he was
the only Black man

in the history of film
that ever saved the world.

White males could save
the world.

Bruce Willis could save
the world.

Sylvester Stallone
could save the world.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
could save the world.

Ben Affleck can save
the world.

Ain't no Black man could save
the world except Will Smith.

Eddie Murphy was
the biggest star in the world,

he never saved
the world successfully.

No. He could save a city.

- Metro, Beverly Hills Cop.
- (LAUGHTER)

They never believed Eddie Murphy
could save the world.

White folks was like, "No way.

His nostrils are way too big
to save the world."

- (LAUGHTER)
- "No, no, no.

No way those nostrils
could save the world.

Sorry, no. They look
like two black holes.

I don't believe it.

Will Smith with that nice,
cute Caucasian nose, sure!

He can save the world."

But Will Smith. Oh, my God!

Will Smith, they didn't
even know he was Black.

This nigga was a dark-skinned
White person to them.

"Will Smith, I love Will Smith.

Huh! Willard Smith,
I love Will Smith.

That's a nice White name.
Will Smith!"

(LAUGHTER)

Say the name Will Smith
and watch White people smile.

(LAUGHS) "I love Will Smith.
I love it, Will Smith."

Oh, my God! White women,
"That is my hall pass."

White men,
"He's my hall pass, too."

- (LAUGHTER)
- They love Will Smith.

"Oh, sure, Will Smith
saved the world
from aliens four times?"

"Of course he can. He's White.
Will Smith can save the world."

"Will Smith saved
the world from robots?"

"Of course, Will Smith can save
the world from robots!"

"Will Smith the last White man
in the world?"

"Of course he is. I Am Legend.
I'm there. It's Will Smith."

"Will Smith, a cowboy?"

- "Sure. All Whites are cowboys."
- (LAUGHTER)

That motherfucker
should have his own crayon

- in the crayon box.
- (CHEERING)

Will Smith, it look Black
and it write White.

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

It's true. Even his music.

His music wasn't made
for niggas.

(LAUGHTER)

We don't even relate to what
the fuck he talking about.

Nigga,
"Parents Just Don't Understand."

That ain't for Black people.
It's confusing.

Niggas is like,
"What you mean, parents?"

(LAUGHTER)

"Wait, wait, wait.
So-- so you mean

there's two of 'em
in your household?"

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

"And what you mean
by 'understand?'

Like you talk to your parents?

Pfft! All right.

So, is this before or after
they whoop your ass?

- 'Cause I'm confused."
- (LAUGHTER)

It wasn't made for Black people.

That shit was easy listening
hip-hop for niggas.

We listen to that shit
in the elevator like, "Hmm."

(LAUGHTER)

Think about it.
"Gettin' Jiggy Wit It."

Ain't a nigga in this
motherfucker got jiggy. Sorry.

Black people didn't get jiggy.
White folks got jiggy.

Oh, my God!
You put that shit on, click...

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na
Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Gettin' jiggy wit' it
Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ We're gettin' jiggy wit' it
Na-na, na ♪

Remember, they get low.

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na
Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Gettin' jiggy wit' it
Na-na, na, na ♪

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

They felt Black as fuck.
"We're getting jiggy with it."

This shit ain't nothing
but the Carlton dance

- without the hands.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: That's right!

Niggas did not get jiggy.

That song came on,
niggas be like...

♪ Nah, nah-nah
Nah, nah-nah, nah ♪

(LAUGHTER)

Only song that let
Black folks know

that Will Smith was a real nigga
was "Summertime."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

That song was made for niggas.

That shit, man! That...
You know how many

ribs was burnt
at the barbecue to "Summertime"?

How many "Domino, bitches!"
was won to that motherfucker?

How many shootouts capped off
during "Summertime"?

Well, see...
On March 27th, 2022...

- (LAUGHTER)
- ...approximately 10:32 p.m.,

Eastern Standard Time,

- which is 7:32...
- AUDIENCE: Pacific.

Nigga, you said, "Specific."
God damn you, woman.

Pacific!

Black folks and White folks,
we was united

'cause we had the same reaction
but different.

White people
was watching the Oscars,

and they was like,
"Oh, God! I love it.

The Oscars, five hours
of telling us how great we are."

- (INHALES)
- (LAUGHTER)

"So true, I love it.
Oh, look at Jada.

- I like the baldy. Cute."
- (LAUGHTER)

"Huh! Look at Willard.
(LAUGHS) I love that guy."

(LAUGHTER)

"Oh, Chris,
that's severely inappropriate."

(LAUGHTER)

"Will, what're you doing?
Get down from there.

- Wait, Willard."
- (LAUGHTER)

"Big Willy? Oh, God!
What in the Christ?

That's a felony! God!
That's a fucking felony."

(LAUGHTER)

"Honey, get down here.
Get down here, quick.

Wake the kids.
Have they had their supper yet?"

- (LAUGHTER)
- "I can't believe--

Look at this. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Look at--

- (SHUSHES) Quiet."
- (LAUGHTER)

"Oh, my God!" (INHALES SHARPLY)

"Do you see--
Yes! It's a felony!

Honey, I hate to say it, but...

(INHALES SHAKILY)
...Will Smith is a nigga."

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

"I can't believe it. We've been
hoodwinked, bamboozled,

- led astray, run amok."
- (LAUGHTER)

"You're telling me
the man in black

is actually Black?"

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

And Black people... (LAUGHS)
...we was watching the awards.

- We was like... (CLICKS TONGUE)
- (CHEERING)

"Nigga, this shit's too long,
nigga." (BLOWS)

(LAUGHTER)

"Ooh, look at... (INHALES)

...look at Jada,
I like that baldy.

(SNIFFS, BLOWS)
I'd fuck, I'd fuck."

- (LAUGHTER)
- (BLOWS)

"Oh, come on, Chris,
that was corny, nigga."

(LAUGHTER)

"Who's this corny, nigga?
Sit your ass down. Oh, shit!

- Oh!"
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"Yo! Oh! Nah, that's a sketch,
nigga. That's a sketch."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"No! No, oh! Wait, hold up,
hold up, hold up.

Oh, that nigga Chris is crying.
Nigga, that shit real."

(LAUGHTER)

"Nigga, either I'm high
or this nigga

Will Smith caught a contact.
Yo! Babe! Babe! Get in here!

Wake the kids.

Oh, they're already up?
Tell 'em to come on downstairs."

(LAUGHTER)

(ULULATES, SHUSHES) "Quiet!"
(CONTINUES ULULATING)

- (LAUGHTER)
- (ULULATES)

- "Oh, booyah!"
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

"Oh yeah, that shit real!

That's how you bully niggas
in school, my niggas."

- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
- "Yo, babe!

Will Smith...

- is a nigga."
- (CHEERING)

♪ Summertime ♪

"I'll fuck with that nigga,
no more bootleg.

We're gonna see
that nigga's shit.

He can save the world
from anything, yo."

(LAUGHTER)

You know...

people always ask me...

"What if that was you?"

And my answer is...

"Come on, man,
I'm never gonna slap

Chris Rock at the Oscars."

(LAUGHTER)

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Forget the Oscars!

Oh, 'cause you ain't talking
about the other shit, nah.

I'm not gonna entertain
that stupid shit, bro.

You fucking crazy?

You're going to slap me
at the Oscars?

And then this nigga turned
his back, slapped,

and walked off
like he an action hero.

I'd have said,
"Nigga, don't turn
your back on me, nigga!"

I would've jump right on
that nigga back like, "Nigga!"

(LAUGHTER)

I'm telling y'all, I'd choke
that nigga out

to one of his
his corny songs. "Nigga..."

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na
Na-na, na, na, na-na! ♪

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na! ♪

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

The cover of every magazine
is Chris Rock getting slapped?

Fuck that shit!
I don't give a fuck.

That ain't going to be it.
I'm sorry.

He could be bigger than me,
Ali, all that bullshit,

I don't give a fuck. I'm dirty.

- (LAUGHTER)
- You gonna slap me

and have me looking
like Kid Quick from Punch-Out!!?

- (LAUGHTER)
- I'm sorry.

That ain't gonna be
the headline,

"Will Smith slaps Marlon Wayans
at the Oscars." No.

It's gonna be
"Will Smith slaps Marlon Wayans

at the Oscars,
then Marlon Wayans proceeds...

to bite Will Smith's dick off."
(LAUGHS)

You gonna see me on the cover
of Time magazine like this.

- (MUFFLED SCREAM)
- (LAUGHTER)

He gonna slap me
and then turn his back

with two women holding statues,
gold statues.

Those aren't awards anymore.

Those are weapons.
I'll be like, "Excuse me, sis.

Nigga, you gonna get
this Oscar earlier."

(LAUGHTER)

I'm sorry. We have a saying in
the Black community, "On sight."

- AUDIENCE: On sight!
- On sight.

You gonna sit there
the whole fucking awards show,

nigga, after you slap me?
No, nigga, we--

On sight means
every time I see you,

we are fighting until I win.
Until I win, then we cool.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Man, I'm taking
something from you.

I'm taking
something you need, nigga.

An eye, a tooth, a kid,
a testicle, something going.

You gonna sit there
the whole award--

I'd fight this motherfucker
every commercial break.

(LAUGHTER)

"And we'll be back
with the Oscars

in five, four, three, two..."

"Nigga, you gonna hit me in
front of Lupita, motherfucker?"

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

I would've hid--
hid right behind that nigga.

Let me try
and get 'im in a hold.

"And we're back with the Oscars
in five, four, three, two..."

- (MUFFLED VOICE) "Come here."
- (LAUGHTER)

Every chance I get.

You gonna stay there
the whole award,

the whole fucking award show.
I'm sitting in the crowd.

I'm gonna wait until--
wait for my opportunity.

It's gonna happen
sooner or later.

I'm gonna sit there
in the crowd

waiting for him
to get his Oscar.

I'll be patient. I'll just be
waiting there the whole time.

- (CHEERING)
- "Yo, yo, this crazy.

Yo, yo, Will about
to win this shit?

Y'all, I hope Will win. Right?

I hope Will, yo,
fingers crossed.

Come on, Will, right? Yeah."

"And best actor goes
to Will Smith."

"Oh, yeah. All right.
Nigga, you out yo..."

(LAUGHTER)

"You hit me in front
of Tyler and Denzel?

- Nigga, stupid bitch..."
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Marlon, you crazy!

- (CHEERING)
- (LAUGHS)

You fucking crazy, nigga.
You crazy.

I'm going to all the parties.

I'ma wait in line.
I'll be at Telemundo telecast.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

- "Nigga, you out your..."
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

♪ Guantanamera
Guajira Guantanamera ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ Guajira Guantanamera ♪

I don't like what-- the position
that he put Tony Rock in.

Let me tell you something.
Before I'm a comedian,

before I'm an actor,
before I'm a producer,

before I'm a writer,
I am a son, I am a father,

and I'm a brother.

I'd die for any
one of those fucking titles.

Don't fuck with my family.

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- Period.

If that nigga, Will,
would've hit me, I'm sorry,

there's too many niggas
in my family.

We ain't a family.
We a fucking gang, nigga.

There's the Crips, the Bloods,
and the Wayans.

What the fuck you think
this W is for?

That shit ain't for westside.

That's Wayan-Tang
all fucking day.

(APPLAUSE)

If that nigga Will
were to hit me...

- (SCREECHING)
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Shawn would've zip-lined in.
(SCREECHES)

Old-ass Keenen
and Damon flying in

like pterodactyls. (IMITATES
PTERODACTYLS SQUAWKING)

(LAUGHS) Two thousand
nephews coming... (ULULATES)

...like pigeons. (COOING)

He'd have grabbed Will
by his ears,

"Get him nigga.
Contact, motherfucker."

(LAUGHTER)

My nephews... Oh, I'd have
all my nephews surround Jaden.

"Yeah, nigga. Yeah.

Put the dress on, little bitch.
Put the dress on."

(LAUGHTER)

"Nah, put him
in the Batman costume.

- Put him in the Batman costume."
- (LAUGHTER)

And Jada. Shit,
we got something for Jada, too.

- You think you bald now?
- (LAUGHTER)

I got four fat Black sisters
that y'all have never heard of.

We keep them bitches in cages

for special emergencies
like this.

Vonnie, Elvira, Diedra,
Nadia, and Devonne.

They love to pull hair.
That's their go-to move.

They would've sat her down
at the park bench

and stapled hair in her head

and pulled her ass
all over Hollywood.

(LAUGHTER)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Marlon,
you crazy. We love you.

And y'all like,
"What about Willow?"

"Leave the girl.
Let somebody tell the tale."

(LAUGHTER)

I will say this,
Will Smith owed Chris Rock

an apology in that moment.

The quicker you get
to "I'm sorry,"

the quicker we can heal.

Like, even if you--
I know you worth

a couple
hundred million dollars,

and you got too much pride
and ego to be like,

"I'm sorry." Just hit him
with a... "My bad." That's all.

Black folks,
we would've understood that.

He pacifically
said sorry. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

But I was mad
he didn't apologize.

That man deserved an apology.

You apologized to everybody
except Chris? Come on, bro.

I was so mad at Will,
I wanted to jump him with Chris

when that shit happened.
I thought it was unfair.

And I text Rock, "You okay?
What city is your face in?"

- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER)

But he didn't apologize
to that man. That shit hurt me.

He owed Chris an apology,
and if you gonna double down

on your ignorance
then not apologize,

then fuck it,
don't apologize to nobody,

so don't do no apology.

The next day,
do a fucking press conference.

Call it, "Sorry, not sorry."

It be like LeBron James
when he went

from Cleveland to Miami.

I'm sending Black kids
to college on scholarships,

and I'm telling the world,
I'm gonna show up,

black suit, white shirt...

like I'm going to the Oscars,
black tie,

and I pull up
and be like, "Yo...

(CLEARS THROAT)

...'sup?

I wanna start
by saying sorry, not sorry."

- (AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIMING)
- "I don't give a fuck.

I'm rich. Y'all can suck
my dick down to the stick part."

(CHEERING)

"To my brother, Chris Rock,
yeah, I slapped you. So what?

Say something else,
I'll slap you again, pussy.

I don't give a fuck.
I'm a real nigga.

I'll slap Chris Rock, Tony Rock,
The Rock, Fraggle Rock."

- I don't give a fuck."
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"To my wife, Jada...

I love you.

But bitch, if you ever have
another entanglement again,

I swear to God,
I'm fucking you up.

That red table's gonna be
your blood, bitch."

(LAUGHTER)

"I slapped that nigga's face

'cause he looked like
August Alsina.

- He looked like
that motherfucker."
- (LAUGHTER)

"Matter of fact,
we ain't never saying

the word August again.
We taking that shit.

August don't exist
in the calendar.

We going June,
July, September."

(LAUGHTER)

"I wanna say
to the Academy, fuck y'all.

How you gonna give these awards
to fucking King Richard?

I ain't deserve it
for that shit,

me talking like Buckwheat.
I deserved that shit

for fucking
Pursuit of Happyness."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"I deserved
that shit for Ali."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"I deserved it
for Six Degrees of Separation

when I kissed that White boy.

I can still taste his mayonnaise
all in my mouth."

(LAUGHTER)

"I wanna say
to all my White fans,
all my White fans..."

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
"Fooled you, niggas.

- I'm Black."
- (LAUGHTER)

"My name's not Willard Smith.
It's Will Smith.

Pronounced with two Fs
like the gun. Smiff."

(LAUGHTER)

"And, lastly, I'm a real nigga,

so in the immortal words
of my nigga Loc Dog,

from Don't Be a Menace,
'Y'all suck my dick, lick ass.

Gs up, hoes down.
Good night, bitches.'"

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Then, I'll go
in my jacket pocket

and I'll pull out
some Ray-Bans...

then I'll go in my other pocket,

and I'll pull out
that neuralyzer

from Men in Black

and I'd erase all
you fucking people's memory.

I'll be like,
"Watch the birdie."

- (BLOWS, POPS)
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

Then I'd press play
like nothing had ever happened.

Press play and be like...
(CLICKS TONGUE)

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na
Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER)

I've known Will Smith...

since I was 19, 20 years old.

He's always been that dude,
you know?

You know, when you an actor
and you look at those guys,

he's always been an example.

And the way he held us down
for so long,

that shit should be applauded.

You know, we were kinda
like rivals.

You know, he was on NBC,
I was on the WB.

He had three letters
in his acronym.

We were ghetto as fuck.
I could only afford two.

- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
- Will Smith, man.

All these roles used to
always go to him first, right?

I went in for Men in Black,

it looked like the hanger
was still in the suit.

I went in to audition,

the director literally laughed
at me. He said,

"You're supposed to be
a CIA operative.

- You look more like
a vacuum cleaner salesman."
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw.

And this happened on
every role that I went out for.

And see, in Hollywood,
they have this thing,

it's called one nigga at a time.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah.
- And this is real.

There's only room
for one Black man to make it

at a time, up until recently.

Understand, back in the day,
especially in the '80s,

you had Eddie Murphy,
that was it.

Then Wesley Snipes got a chance,

and Denzel got a chance,
and then came my brother, Damon,

then came Martin Lawrence,
then came Will,

and Will held that slot
for so long,

and I used to pray.
I used to be like,

"This nigga gonna fall off
sooner or later."

I'm getting ready,
I'm hitting the gym, like,

I'm getting my shit together.

"He's gonna fall
and I'ma get my chance."

It never came.

This nigga been hot
for 30 fucking years.

He's never fell off.

He got bigger and bigger
and bigger, and I was like,

- "Fuck, God. I need a miracle."
- (LAUGHTER)

- Then, on March 27th, 2022...
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

...approximately 10:32 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time,

- which is 7:32...
- AUDIENCE: Pacific.

Pacific. At this point,
who gives a fuck?

(LAUGHTER)

When Chris Rock cracked
a joke on Will Smith's wife

and Will Smith got up...

and slapped the shit out
of Chris Rock.

That had nothing
to do with Chris,

nothing to do with Jada,
nothing to do with Will.

I told y'all.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER:
God loves you!
- God fucking loves me.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Because all these roles
that this man had,

they started coming loose.

And in that moment,
I fucking realized something.

God loves me,

because none of those roles
are for me.

That's for that man.

That-- a man who upheld
Black excellence

as long as he did,
we should be proud of.

He did something
that no other man did,

and he deserves to be forgiven
for a moment

of being fucked up,

- because we all have shit.
- (APPLAUSE)

We all have shit moments.

He just so happened to have
the worst moment

- on the best day.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Right.

And I don't wanna be
what Will Smith is.

You don't thirst
for anybody else's career

except your own.

We so busy looking over
at other people's yards

that we ain't looking
at our own.

God has blessed
the fuck out of me.

If I was Will, I wouldn't be me.

I wouldn't have written
and produced and starred in 15,

16 fucking movies.

I wouldn't have created
my own television show

since 18 years old.

I have been so blessed
on this journey that God,

man, he's been nothing but good.

Chris Rock, I'm grateful
to my brother

for checking my chin.

I quit for 20 years, and now,
I'm back on stage,

and I'm grateful
that a GOAT...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

...that a GOAT
and a big brother took the time

to check my chin
in a way that, maybe,

my brothers would've never.
You made me better,

and I love you
for that, brother.

I'm thankful to Jada
for teaching me about love,

about forgiving,
about unconditional,

about devastation,
and about healing.

And may we all take this
time to forgive those

that made mistakes,

because it's all a part
of the journey

and it's all a part of love.
I never wanted to be Will Smith.

I never wanted to be Chris Rock.
I'm just grateful to God,

he made me
Marlon fucking Wayans.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

God loves me, and remember,
God loves you, too.

Thank y'all. Good night.

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- ♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪