Original subtitles

About once a month,

my friends and I get together

and do something different for fun.

Sometimes we go bowling

or miniature golf

or a movie or something.

One night,

we went down to a Gypsy palm reader

on 34th and Vine.

Let me see your palm.

You do very badly with women.

No. I... I... I... I do all right.

No, you don't.

There are no women here.

What's this?

No women.

Are you a boy-kissy-boy?

Excuse me?

You a homosexual?

No.

I want my sister to see this.

No, I don't.

No.

I see no women in your life

for a long, long time.

Maybe...

forever.

Well, that's kind of depressing.

Yes, it is.

But I have something for you.

Let me see.

Number 17,

number 13.

Where the hell is it?

Ahh.

Number eight.

This is what you need.

Dilute this with water 1,000 to 1.

You don't want it to be too strong.

You take a sip, and you swallow.

And when you speak,

women will find you fascinating.

I'm a biochemist.

You take this.

You'll be back.

So, tell me, there was this woman

I saw you having lunch with the other day.

Huh?

She's just... just somebody I work with.

Uh-huh.

Were there any romantic possibilities?

No.

No?

Why not?

No, you see, I'm...

She's, um, she's not my type.

Oh, she's not your type.

That was a lie.

Except for the fact that she had

kind of a boyfriend,

Diane was exactly my type.

I'm a comparative psychobiologist.

I put, uh, primates...

chimpanzees... through tests.

I note the behavior of the subject,

and I hope the results are analogous to humans.

Do you put electrical things in their brains?

No.

No.

But that's done, isn't it?

Yes.

Why?

You can measure electrical activity,

or, with a minute amount of current,

you can stimulate a feeling or... or a thought.

You can stimulate a feeling?

Yes.

For example,

there was this experiment

where an electrode was planted

in the pleasure center of a monkey's brain.

When the monkey hit a button,

it sent a signal to the electrode,

in effect exciting the monkey sexually.

You're kidding.

No.

Can you guess what happened?

Was it a male monkey?

Yes.

He slammed the button till he died.

Oh, so, you know this experiment.

I know men, honey.

Oh, stop.

I think she is definitely Paul's type.

She's got that, uh...

je ne sais quoi,

that, uh...

Very sexy girl.

You should go talk to her.

Really.

You should do it.

Do it.

I don't know her.

Well, that is the point.

You go talk to her,

then you'll know her.

Well, maybe she doesn't want to talk to anybody.

Maybe.

Maybe she does, huh?

You got to keep taking chances,

keep rolling the dice

till you find someone who does want to talk.

Expert advice.

Go.

Go.

I'll tell you what.

I'll pay you $20 to go talk to her.

$20.Just go talk to her.

No.

$40.

I don't want to do it.

$60.

$80.

$100?

Oh, O.K., O.K.

♪ Born to lose ♪

♪ I've lived my... ♪

He trapped me by the bathroom.

He keeps me by the bathroom.

He won't let me pass.

Can you believe it?

It's just one ugly geek after another

in this place.

If one more of these Radio Shack clerks...

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Uh-oh.

I don't believe this.

Can I, uh, uh,

can I buy you a drink?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Why do you think I'd be interested in you?

Did I look at you or smile at you?

Did I flirt with you?

No.

Well, then what makes you think I'd be interested?

Are you somebody special? Is that it?

Do you do something really fascinating?

What do you do for a living?

Uh, I'm... I'm a biochemist.

Do I look like a biochemist groupie?

Well, biochemists don't have groupies.

Why do you think that is?

Well, it's not a very glamorous job.

No, it's not one of your drop-dead glamorous jobs.

I mean,

I'm sure that you find chemicals very fascinating,

but do I look like somebody who'd be interested

in a...

a... a...

a chemical person?

No. Hey, wait.

I'm doing this for your benefit.

I mean, you wouldn't want this to happen again,

would you?

No.

No. What's very obvious to me

is not to you.

Look at your clothes

and then look at mine.

Do you see any kind of a difference here?

Clothes aren't important to you,

but they're important to me.

Taste is very important.

I like designer clothes. I like nice things.

I drive a BMW. What about you?

Uh, I drive a Volkswagen.

- Fahrvergnugen. - Fahrvergnugen.

You know what that really means?

Can't afford the Mercedes.

Well, you're right.

We're not really suited for each other,

and, uh, so I'll just go

and get myself a chemical girl.

I'm sorry.

I was just trying to make a point.

I tell you what.

I'll go home with you tonight

and be your total sex slave...

if you can answer one question correctly.

Ahem.

All right.

Who designed this top?

I wouldn't know.

Bye-bye, now.

You're supposed to come to a complete stop at the sign.

Can I see your driver's license, your registration,

your proof of insurance, please?

Yeah.

What the hell kind of car is this?

It's an Alta Pazzoli.

My car s-stalls

unless I keep my... my foot on the gas,

and I was just trying to get...

I've already had two moving violations this year,

and if I get a third, they might cancel my insurance, so...

do you think that maybe you could...

please make this a warning?

Is this your correct address?

Yeah.

Hello.

You have zero messages.

Hello.

You have zero messages.

Bad.

This is bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Come here. Come here.

Bad rice.

Bad rice.

Be quiet.

I am very serious.

So am I.

I love you so much.

I want to tell you that I love you.

Hello.

It's all right.

You don't have to apologize.

I made 100 bucks off of it, didn't I?

A gift?

Right now?

Well, yeah.

Well, what kind of gift?

Hi.

Ahem.

I'm Marisa.

Hey.

Gary?

Yeah.

Are you alone?

Yes, of course I'm alone.

Do you want to be?

♪ You're no good ♪

♪ Heartbreaker ♪

♪ You're a liar... ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ I let you do these things to me ♪

Hi.

Hi.

♪ My friends keep tellin' me ♪

Oh, come on in.

♪ That you ain't no good ♪

How are you?

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ But they don't know ♪

O.K.

♪ That I've been... ♪

That's nice.

Is that a new couch?

No. I've had it about a year.

It looks new.

Well, I keep it in good shape.

Are you still working with your father?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

I...

Oh, man.

Got to go.

Did you...

put on a little weight?

Uh, can I get you something?

What do you got?

I have some terrific wines.

Do you have any, uh...

gin?

Gin?

Sure.

Gin on the rocks.

Gin on the rocks.

Um...

gin.

Tangueray, if you got it.

O.K.

Can I use your bathroom?

How'd it go?

Great.

He just wanted to talk.

Oh, you should've seen his stereo.

I bet it's worth thousands.

Oh!

Pay attention.

Pay attention.

Number six.

I've got to talk to you.

I've got to tell you something.

About four hours later, they started to leave.

Whatever had happened

had stopped happening.

And then, when I was cleaning up,

I found this in some milk.

Milk.

You get it?

I mean, cats like milk.

Yeah?

Well, the Gypsy said when you speak, right?

So, maybe it has something to do with sound.

I mean, after all, you scratch a blackboard,

and it drives you up the wall.

Maybe there's a sound that...

you know, drives you up another wall.

You don't believe me?

No. I'd... I'd like to believe you.

What do you want from me?

Now, are... are you sure?

Are you absolutely positive?

I'm positive.

Nothing to worry about.

It's a... It's a salt.

It's a condensed liquid salt.

You want me to take it?

No.

O.K.

Didn't sound unusual to me.

How'd it sound to you?

Well, I... I mean, I... I wouldn't know.

Is that an unusual sound for a chimp?

No.

That... That's Romeo.

He's trying to break through the wall!

What's he trying to do?

He's breaking through the wall!

No, no, no. Don't.

He'll rip your arm off.

Don't. Don't.

Well, I...

Is he dead?

No.

He's asleep.

After weeks of testing,

we discovered how it works.

When swallowed, it affects the vocal cords directly,

so when you speak,

microtremors encoded within your voice

stimulate tiny little hairs

in the inner ear of the opposite sex.

The vibration sends a signal to the brain,

which, in turn, produces a combination

of mood-altering endogenous chemicals

responsible for the biochemical process

of feeling in love.

We also discovered that, one...

It made members of the same sex hostile.

Two...

It had to be diluted.

Full strength was far too strong.

And three...

It would only work for four hours at a time.

The next logical step was to test it on humans,

but who?

We felt a deep moral obligation to mankind

to make sure this potentially dangerous drug

didn't fall into the wrong hands,

but where could we find test subjects we could trust?

Th-this is scientifically unorthodox,

but...

perhaps we could both take samples

and test it ourselves in a real-world environment.

I mean, Diane, we're both...

prudent and... and responsible people.

So, for the sake of all mankind,

we divided up the remainder of the potion

and agreed not to speak for three weeks.

Can I see your driver's license, your registration,

your proof of insurance, please?

Let's just...

let this go with a warning.

Thank you.

Heh heh.

I... I get off in... in about an hour...

and, uh...

I was... I was wondering...

could we maybe...

have a drink?

I don't think so.

Insurance has been canceled.

"R.T. Moreno."

Hi.

Can I help you?

♪ I need a man ♪

♪ I need a man ♪

♪ I need a man ♪

♪ I need a man ♪

♪ YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the ♪

♪ YMCA, yeah ♪

♪ They have everything... ♪

Excuse me.

Who would be Ms. Moreno's supervisor?

♪ YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the ♪

♪ YMCA... ♪

Uh...

♪ YMCA... ♪

That would be, um...

the district manager...

Dick Webster.

Dick.

Three tickets. Oh, my.

You didn't kill anybody, did you?

No.

Good.

Bill... Dick Webster.

I have a cancellation I want reversed.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, it is very beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Dino!

Si, signore.

Has anybody ever told you

how beautiful you are?

No.

Nobody in their right mind.

Excuse me, please.

I have met beautiful women before...

many beautiful women...

but you...

you are the most beautiful woman

I have ever seen in my life.

I know this sounds ridiculous,

but do you believe in love at first sight?

Bravo!

La via!

I want you to have this.

I can't.

Please, indulge me. Take it.

I don't feel this way very often,

and I would like you to have this.

Oh!

This is your car?

This is an Alta Pazzoli.

I know.

I am Enrico Pazzoli.

I own the company that manufactures this car.

Thank you.

The governor is giving a little party this evening.

I have nobody to accompany me.

Would you please come with me?

I... I really don't think so.

Why? Are you married?

No, no.

You are engaged? You have a fiance?

No, no.

A lover? A boyfriend?

Um... no.

A girlfriend?

No!

Then, uh, your grandmother is sick,

and you must stay with her?

She's dead.

I'm sorry.

It's O.K. She died 20 years ago.

Then why don't you come with me?

Buona sera.

Is something wrong?

You're wearing a tuxedo.

Oh, of course.

The party's a formal affair.

Didn't I tell you?

No.

Ohh... I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

But we have plenty of time.

Please, put on a gown.

I will be happy to wait.

I don't own a gown.

Royalty usually arrives after the guests.

However, Prince Geoffrey didn't want to miss meeting any of the girls.

It is all right.

Don't be afraid.

You look, uh...

meravigliosa.

And in the alpha males, seratonin receptor levels

were found to be up-regulated,

and cetohybridization has shown

that they will co-localize with dopamine.

- Well! - Hmm! - Oh!

What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?

I don't know, and I don't care.

Enrico, thank you.

Good night.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

Hello. You have 67 messages.

♪ All my friends know the low rider... ♪

Fahrvergnugen.

♪ The low rider ♪

♪ Is a little higher ♪

Hi.

My name's Cheryl.

Aren't you going to tell me your name?

Paul.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm just curious to what you're thinking.

I'm not going to tell you.

♪ The low rider ♪

I prefer to be a bit mysterious.

Oh.

Do you like mysterious girls?

No.

Oh.

What kind of girls do you like?

Honest and direct.

I don't like mystery.

Oh, I... I was just kidding about the mystery part.

Oh, yeah.

I can be direct.

I can be very direct.

♪ The low rider... ♪

Yeah.

In fact, I can be so direct,

it would scare you.

Are you scared?

Nope.

Oh, God.

Oh, this is great.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

O.K., O.K.

Is that direct enough for you?

Yeah, yeah.

That was excellent, excellent directness.

So why don't we just get out of here?

We can go back to my place.

O.K.

O.K. I-I'll go home with you.

I'll go home with you,

and I'll be everything you've ever wanted in a man

if...

you can answer one question correctly.

What?

How do you synthesize a methylated alkaloid?

I don't know.

Bye, now.

Yes.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Whoo!

It was late, but the bars were open,

and I still felt the urge

to continue with my research.

It was 100% effective.

No matter what they were doing

or whoever they were with,

they wanted you!

You were the one they were looking for their entire lives.

You were funny, intelligent,

but above all, you were very, very sexy.

It worked, and it worked miracles.

It absolutely eliminated any fear that they

wouldn't like you or that you weren't good enough.

Instead of taking years of painfully coming to grips with reality,

you change reality.

Reality comes to you.

You didn't have to be good-looking,

well-dressed, or rich.

It didn't matter.

You just had to speak.

So...

how do you like those pretzels?

And you didn't have to be funny, intelligent,

or insightful.

It didn't matter what you said.

Content had nothing to do with it.

So...

you like those radials?

They say that power corrupts,

and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Well...

they're right.

They also say that the path of excess

leads to the palace of wisdom.

My palace of wisdom

was the Sigma Delta Pi Sorority House.

I learned a lot that night.

I learned a lot about myself.

I learned a lot about women.

I also learned about an obscure panty raid law

which prohibits men to be in a sorority house

after 9 p.m.

How's it going?

Can I help you?

No. I'm here to see a friend.

And who is that?

Diane Farrow.

I'm sorry, but Miss Farrow

isn't expecting company.

Oh, I'm just dropping by.

I'm sorry.

Listen, why don't you go tell her

that Gary Logan is here?

All right.

Stan, there's a Gary Logan out here

to see Miss Farrow.

I'm sorry.

You're kidding.

No. She has company.

Oh.

Who is that guy?

Prince Geoffrey.

Prince?

Prince of what?

England.

Unbelievable.

Ahem.

Is, uh...

Thank you.

Right through here?

Diane?

Wow!

- Bye! - Bye, Diane!

Jesus Christ, you... you look great!

What did you do?

You got a haircut?

Well, that is a great haircut.

You got your teeth fixed.

Oh, you're on the potion!

You're on the po...

So, uh...

nice... nice clothes.

Did you buy those?

Really?

Ah. Having fun, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

"What were you doing

in the sorority?"

Uh...

what was I doing in the sorority?

Ha ha ha ha ha...

Oh, no.

I... I was, um...

I was, uh...

I can't tell you. I'm sorry. I can't.

I was doing research.

I... I was.

What?

What?

What?

Oh, you're kidding.

Heh. Uh... heh heh.

Uh... ahem.

All right, all right, all right.

Can you keep a secret?

So can I.

I'm sorry. I... I just...

Oh, look, that is not fair,

because you're on the potion.

You can't talk.

How do I know you haven't been doing

some unspeakably sordid things?

What?

You're kidding.

What are you,

dating the president?

Who's in there?

You look familiar.

Uh, I'm the prince of England.

Ow.

Oh.

Paul, we're going to a charity arts auction tonight.

Would you like to come?

You're not speaking.

Why aren't you speaking?

You notice Diane isn't speaking?

Oh! You're playing the mute game again, aren't you?

Yes, you are!

She's playing the mute game again.

Really?

So, you are coming to the party.

Tell him to come to the party.

That's mute for,

"you must come."

Oh, uh... you have a tux?

Your highness, how wonderful to see you.

Jane Childs from the arts council.

Miss Childs, so nice to see you.

These are my friends Paul and Diane.

How do you do?

This is one of our new South American sculptors.

He's going to be having a one-man show here.

Thanks.

Uh, shall we go?

Coming, Paul?

No? All right, then.

Have you met our mayor Mr. Cox?

No, I haven't had the pleasure.

Plaster cast mold,

and then it was done in the lost wax method,

which is why it's so anatomically correct.

Excuse me, Your Highness.

He's awfully good with the ladies.

A 2. Oh, deuces are wild. I got the 2.

Uh, the 3 is yours.

Uh... the king is for me.

Here's a 4.

4 and, um...

I'm sorry. We can't do this.

Could I talk to you?

Uh, would you excuse me for a minute?

Ladies and gentlemen, the auction is about to begin.

Please join us at the forum.

Prince Geoffrey may be turning in

his wicked, wicked ways

for American monkey psychiatrist Diane Farrow.

Miss Farrow, who as a comparative psychobiologist

has had considerable experience taming wild beasts,

has tamed the untamable king of the jungle

Prince Geoffrey of York.

As far as Buckingham Palace is concerned,

sources tell us the queen mum is staying mum

until she gets to meet the pretty American psychologist.

Hi.

Hi.

Guess what.

What?

Geoffrey proposed to me last night.

W-W-W-What'd you tell him?

I told him I would think about it.

Think about it.

W-Why'd you tell him that?

You know...

all my life,

I've felt...

ugly.

And now I have the world's most desirable man

telling me that I am beautiful.

I have the prince of England at home pining for me.

This is a dream come true.

I could be a princess.

You're disturbed.

W-What causes this?

Well, I haven't had a date in four years.

What?

Uh, well, your... your... the joke about the date.

Well, what about it?

Well, Diane... we had a date.

We had a date?

Yeah. Remember?

No, I don't.

The lunch... we went out to lunch.

That was a date?

Yeah.

I thought a date was when you went to somebody's house

and you picked them up

and you took them out to dinner.

Well, that is a conventional date,

but you... you don't have to do that.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

I had no idea that that was a date.

Was there a second date that I'm not aware of?

No. Because you said you had kind of a boyfriend.

Oh.

Well, he's not a boyfriend.

No?

No.

Are you hungry?

Yeah.

Do you want to go out and get something to eat?

You know, I'll drive to your house,

and I'll pick you up and...

talk to your father.

So this is a date?

This is definitely a date.

O.K.

And then something magical happened.

For the first time in my life,

I felt something perfect.

Once you feel that feeling, that perfect feeling,

you want it to last forever,

but since love comes with no guarantee,

you do what you can do,

and the only thing you can do

is get married.

So you plan your moment carefully,

making it as enticing and romantic as possible.

And if they accept, you marry

and cross your fingers and hope it lasts.

I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with Diane.

I booked this great old bed and breakfast

on a bluff overlooking the ocean.

We'd go out and watch the sunset...

♪ Pain in my heart ♪

Diane?

♪ You're treating me cold ♪

Uh...

♪ Where can my baby be? ♪

Where are you?

♪ Lord, no one knows ♪

♪ Pain in my heart ♪

♪ Just won't let me sleep ♪

♪ Where can my baby be? ♪

♪ Lord, where can she be? ♪

♪ I began to get tough ♪

Hello?

♪ I said I want you to come back... ♪

No. You've got a wrong number.

♪ Come back, come back, baby ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ A little pain in my heart ♪

Hello?

Diane, what happened to you? Where are you?

Hi.

Hi.

Where have you been?

Huh?

Paul...

so much has happened.

So much.

Tell me.

Well, um...

last week...

something happened between us.

Uh-huh.

Well, we became...

friends.

Friends?

Yeah, I mean...

it's important, isn't it, to be... friends?

Well, yeah, but, uh, I mean, uh...

I thought we became more than friends.

There's something I think I should tell you.

I've been seeing someone...

off and on for about, um, 10 years,

and... and there were problems.

I mean, it never, never really worked out,

but all of a sudden, it's like he's come around.

He's changed.

It's like a dream come true for me.

It's great.

Gary...

um, Gary, this is Paul.

Paul, this is Gary.

Paul...

Paul, please, don't be upset.

We can still be friends, can't we?

At first I was a mess,

and then things just got worse.

I couldn't eat.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't do anything but think of Diane.

I had no choice. I had to get her back.

I did what everybody does

when they're in love with somebody

who's in love with somebody else...

You pretend you're willing to be just friends,

but really you're out to sabotage their relationship.

I'd gently steer Diane into the morass of Gary's many faults.

Since I didn't know Gary,

I had to find out what exactly these faults were.

So how's it with, uh, Gary?

Gary's great.

He's a handsome guy.

You think so?

He looks great in a towel, too.

He could be a big towel model.

What's he like?

I didn't really get a chance to meet him.

Well, um...

can you imagine feeling something with someone

that just feels... perfect?

Yeah.

That's how I would describe Gary.

He's just... perfect.

Perfect?

Wow... perfect.

Besides perfect, w-what is he like?

Well, he's, uh...

he's kind of a perfectionist.

So... So he's perfect, and he's a perfectionist.

So, yeah.

I mean... but what does that mean?

He's punctual?

Well, he's, um...

Oh, he's very resolute.

He wants to do what he wants to do.

Is that good?

Do you like that about him?

Usually.

Not always?

Well, it...

Sometimes he just likes to do things

that I... I really don't like to do.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Hello?

Hi.

Oh, I was just talking to Paul.

Gary, we're just friends.

Gary, I...

O.K.

O.K.

I love you.

All right.

I love you.

O.K. Bye.

Gary doesn't want me talking to you anymore.

Diane, what do you want?

I don't want to lose him.

I love him.

Sorry.

This plan was clearly not going to work.

Gary's influence over Diane was too powerful.

She'd do anything to make him happy.

It was like she'd joined some kind of cult.

I went from feeling I'd be in love with Diane forever

to wondering if I'd ever fall in love with anyone again.

I would.

Oh, hi.

Hi. I was in the area.

I thought I'd stop by and say hello.

Oh, that was very nice of you.

Uh... do you want to come in?

O.K.

Can I use your bathroom?

So, uh... what is it you do again?

Accountant or something?

There we go.

So is that everything?

Yeah, this is the whole thing.

Cables?

The cables are in with the instruction books.

Good job, buddy.

You're coming right back, right?

You bet.

O.K. Bye-bye.

I gave her anything I had of value,

including all the love potion.

I tried explaining how it affects the pharyngeals,

but this was clearly a woman more interested

in fiduciary gain than in science.

Great girl.

For four hours, I could think of nothing but Marisa...

Beautiful, intelligent, all-around wonderful gal Marisa.

Then four hours later...

I could've strangled her.

I couldn't believe how powerful an influence

the potion had over me.

I would've done anything to make Marisa happy.

It was like I had joined some kind of cult.

You sold all of it, the whole bottle?

Yes.

The person who bought this, what did they look like?

Tall, very handsome, dark eyes, dark hair.

Did he wear a ring?

Yes.

A gold snake with rubies for eyes.

Hello?

Diane, I just got back from Madame Ruth's.

Gary is using the potion on you.

I'm in love with him.

No, you're not. Go away for four hours

and see if you're still in love with him.

Paul, this is ridiculous.

Why does he make you take the telephone everywhere?

Does he call you every four hours?

He thinks you're using the love potion on me.

Don't tell him! He's the enemy!

Just hang up the phone, Diane.

He must have found out about it.

Did you write it down?

I have to go.

Hang up the phone.

He must have read your journal and...

Diane.

I'm not listening to you.

I am not using it. He is.

It'll wear off someday,

and you'll be pregnant, and you'll be married,

and you'll have that asshole's children.

It'll wear off. You'll be married to a man you hate

with a bunch of little assholes running around!

I kept calling her,

but she wouldn't take my calls.

I wrote her letters,

but they came back unanswered.

I tried confronting Gary.

That didn't work.

There was only one stone left unturned.

Do you have an antidote

or something more powerful or...

Sit down.

Years ago there was a plague.

It affected many people.

It did not in any way make them feel ill.

They lived long lives, but...

something inside of them died...

The capacity to love forever.

This is the cure.

Love Potion Number Nine does not create emotion.

It purifies it.

Love is often obscured

by doubt, prejudice, suspicion.

With number nine,

all that is eliminated.

It becomes pure.

The greatest tragedy in life

is when love fades.

With Love Potion Number Nine,

it never fades.

So if you ever loved each other

and you both take this potion,

you will love each other again,

as much as you ever loved each other...

forever.

Are you absolutely sure she was in love with you?

Uh...

mm-hmm.

Why?

If you both take this potion

and you were in love with her

but she really never was in love with you,

you will love her for the rest of your life,

and she will hate you for the rest of hers.

Great.

How does it work?

She said drink from the same cup, then kiss.

Five minutes later, it will take effect.

If your heart is willing and can be pleased, wait and listen,

and you'll hear a song from the breeze.

So if you're willing to fall in love,

and five minutes after the big smooch,

you'll hear this wind musical thing,

and whoosh, you're in love forever.

If your heart is stubborn like the heart of a fool,

you will taste the sweat of a mule.

So if you're an asshole and not willing to commit,

then five minutes after the kiss,

you'll taste mule sweat,

which, I imagine, is terrible.

So if I take this potion with Diane,

I kiss her, five minutes later...

assuming that she's still in love with me...

number nine will override number eight,

no matter how much Gary takes number eight.

That's assuming she's in love with me.

Paul...

And this is the reason why you guys are here...

Diane's not talking to me,

so she's not going to willingly take the potion.

I'm going to need your help.

The plan is very simple.

We go to her house, I knock on the door...

You guys wait on the foyer...

If she answers, I burst in. You guys follow.

If she doesn't, we knock down the door,

grab her, hold her down, I tickle her knee,

and her mouth will open.

I force the potion in, get her to swallow it.

I kiss her. Then we wait for five minutes.

Of course, getting her to swallow

is going to be the toughest part

'cause, hey, you know, women don't want to swallow.

Sorry. Uh...

Oh, also, if Gary is there,

it's going to get physical,

'cause, uh...

But there are four of us,

and I think we can take him...

unless he has a gun,

but chances are pretty remote.

You guys have any questions?

What? What? What's with that look?

You don't believe me?

It's not a matter of not believing you.

It's just...

I think it is a matter of not believing you.

Not only that, but you're asking us

to break a number of laws...

breaking and entering, assault, battery.

Ron, do you believe me?

I'd sooner believe the Single Bullet Theory.

Hold on.

I'm running kind of low, sweetheart.

This Gary guy has the rest of the potion, right?

Yeah, that's right.

Great.

Bye-bye, now.

Bye-bye.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

My God.

She's an angel.

That bitch.

She took my Rolex and my wallet.

Yes. Yes, that's right.

I'd like to report a stolen Visa Card.

Thank you.

What am I going to tell Judy?

Tell her you're a schmuck.

You guys going to help me now or what?

Remember. What do you do if Marisa shows up?

Beat the living shit out of her.

Cover your ears. Yell and scream.

Don't listen to her.

What if Gary shows up?

Beat the living shit out of him.

Good.

Shh.

Hi.

Hello.

Are you Diane's friend?

- Yeah. Who are you? - Paul.

You're the Paul she works with?

Yeah.

The one she hit it off with?

She told me not to talk to you.

There's something strange going on here, isn't there?

Yes, there is.

Suddenly she's dating the prince of England,

then she's crazy about you,

now she's marrying the schmuck.

Marrying? She's marrying him?

- Yes. - When?

In about an hour.

Oh, Jesus.

She forgot this in all the excitement.

Uh, hi.

What's happening here?

Would you like me to tell you?

You get her to drink from the glass,

then bring the glass back to me.

I'll sip from it, come in, and kiss her.

So this guy Gary, is he big?

Yeah.

Now, you said that she was crazy about me.

Is that the word she used, crazy?

Yes.

Did she ever say that she was in love with me?

Did she use that word?

No. She said crazy.

If your heart is decisive

and your heart can be pleased,

wait and listen.

You will hear a song from the breeze.

Oh, great.

This is great.

Oh, O.K.

Now, it is a tradition

for the bride and the matron of honor

to drink champagne

out of each other's glasses.

It is?

It is?

It is.

It's sort of an Irish thing.

Did you know that?

No.

Well, uh, pour.

Grandma.

O.K.

Um...

Here.

O.K. Now, hold your glass up

really nice and high.

O.K.

And... to Diane

and... whoever.

Gary.

Right.

You look beautiful.

Mmm.

Gary, get out of here!

It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride

before the wedding.

Well, then,

here's to bad luck.

There is something you can do.

You must drink from the same glass,

then kiss her.

Drink from the same glass, then kiss her?

She will fall in love

with the man she loved most

and hate the other forever,

but if you wait too long, it won't work.

Hmm...

No...

Whoa...

No...

Aah!

Aah!

Back up.

Oh!

Just get out.

No!

O.K., move. I'll crack this...

Put it down!

Just step aside. Diane...

Oh, God!

Diane. Diane.

Mmm!

Look, fellas, I... I... I...

I'm not crazy, O.K.?

I'm not insane.

Mmm, oh, no!

Hello, Gary.

Now, listen. I know you're in a hurry

to get married,

so let's skip the small talk.

You've got something I want.

Oh.

It's so...

thick.

You're supposed to dilute it.

Completely pure?

If your heart is stubborn

like the heart of a fool,

you'll wait, hear nothing,

but taste the sweat of the mule.

What?

What are you doing?

Stop!

Gary.

Let me do this.

Gary, don't!

Stop!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on.

If any present knows any reason

why they may not lawfully be joined in marriage,

let them speak now

or forever hold their peace.

Yecchh!

Yecchh!

Do you, Diane Farrow,

take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband,

in sickness and in health,

as long as you both shall live?

I do.

The ring.

Excuse me.

What's going on?

You bitch!

You god damn whore!

Ow!

Tramp!

You bitch!

Jesus Christ!

Uh, guys, we got a major code 29

right outside.

Everybody out!

Get with it, guys!

Move!

Go, go!

Everybody move!

Help!

Help!

♪ Mo mo ♪

♪ Hmm, mo ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ma, ma, ma, ma, ♪

♪ Ma, ma, ma, ma, ♪

♪ Ma, ma, ma, ma, ♪

If you'd like to make a call,

please hang up and try again.

If you need help, dial 0.

Diane.

Where have you been?

Oh!

No!

Um, touch your finger to your nose.

Hop on one foot.

Put your hands in the air

and go...

Grab your nipples like this, real hard.

You like that, don't you?

Ooh.

Ooh.

Now I think it's time for a little magic.

Well, I'd like to tell you

that five minutes after I kissed Diane,

she came running out into my arms

and that we fell in love forever,

but that's not what happened.

It took six minutes.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Let's get out of here.

O.K.

Ahh, that's nice.

♪ I took my troubles down to Madame Ruth ♪

♪ You know, that Gypsy with the gold-capped tooth ♪

♪ She's got a storefront at 34th and Vine ♪

♪ Sellin' little bottles of ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I told her everything was goin' fine ♪

♪ Everything except that man of mine ♪

♪ She looked at my palm ♪

♪ Made a magic sign ♪

♪ Said, What you need is ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ She jumped down, turned around ♪

♪ Gave me a wink ♪

♪ Said, I'm gonna mix it up ♪

♪ Right here in the sink ♪

♪ It smelled like turpentine ♪

♪ Looked like india ink ♪

♪ I held my nose, closed my eyes ♪

♪ I took a drink ♪

♪ Didn't know if it was day or night ♪

♪ I started kissin' every man in sight ♪

♪ Never been so turned on ♪

♪ Never felt so fine ♪

♪ Gonna give my man some ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ I didn't know if it was day or night ♪

♪ I started kissin' every man in sight ♪

♪ Never been so turned on ♪

♪ Never felt so fine ♪

♪ Gonna give my man some ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number ♪

♪ When I get the notion ♪

♪ I take a little potion ♪

♪ Love Potion... ♪