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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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We got the house, guys!
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Your iPad flashlight is on.
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God, she's old.
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What house, Mom?
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The Airbnb in Nantucket
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we wanted for the Fourth of July.
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There was a cancellation,
so I swooped right in
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and scooped it up.
The Pelican strikes again.
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- "The Pelican"?
- Yeah. Some people call me that
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'cause I swoop and scoop.
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- Who calls you that?
- Some people.
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- Who?
- It's really catching on.
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From who?
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Look, everybody just pack your bags
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because we leave tomorrow.
25
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I thought you said July 4th?
It's October.
26
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Yeah, but we always
celebrate our holidays
27
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off-peak to save money.
28
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I don't know, this feels forced.
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Oh, come on,
you kids are all getting older.
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We are running out of time to do
stuff together as a family.
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Plus this is our first Airbnb.
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That's a huge mom milestone.
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You know, I heard that every
time someone says "Airbnb,"
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a white woman can hear it
from five miles away.
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Mm, sounds like
the Pelican got her Airbnb.
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Who?!
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I've never been to Nantucket.
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It's pretty nice.
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Yeah, I like that everyone arriving gets
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a personal serenade from James Taylor.
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♪ Oh,
I've seen Chris and I've seen Meg ♪
42
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♪ I've seen burger wrappers ♪
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♪ Crumpled by their legs. ♪
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You know, I heard his backstage rider
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is just a single carton of oat milk.
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This place is pretty tight, Mom.
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I know. Look at the sign in the kitchen.
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"But first, coffee."
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Yeah. Yeah, that first!
50
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- That makes no sense.
- In what way?
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We don't know what the choices are,
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so how can we definitively say,
"But first, coffee"?
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But that's the point. It doesn't matter.
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Whatever it is, "First, coffee."
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Hey, what if our kid's having
a heart attack, God forbid?
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- Oh, well, I...
- Still "But first, coffee"?
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- Well, I don't think...
- What if a 9/11 hops
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through the window with a dynamite vest?
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Are we free to scatter?
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Or must we face the blast, mug in hand?
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I just thought it was a fun sign is all.
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Oh, look at them.
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When was the last time you saw the kids
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play together like this, huh?
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No clue, I do most of my
parenting with my eyes closed.
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You know, it's this house.
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Sometimes all a family needs
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is a change of scenery
to strengthen their bond.
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- Yeah, that or a threesome, yeah.
- Oh.
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You can't even make it through
a twosome or a one some.
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You are very close to being
a sit-in-a-chair-and-watch guy.
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My cardiologist said the same thing.
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Okay, guys, everyone pick out
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one souvenir from the trip.
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- Is a seagull a...?
- A seagull is not a souvenir.
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- What about...?
- No birds!
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The stores here in
the off-season are kind of sad.
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Most of them are empty.
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Yeah, but I do like that James
Taylor sings a personal serenade
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every time one closes for the season.
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♪ A sign goes up as the sun goes down ♪
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♪ Another year in the books ♪
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♪ She put the fun in funnel cakes ♪
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♪ Or at least that's
what I see on that board. ♪
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Ah, sweet edgeless rock and roll.
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You could shave a baby's head with it.
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Brian, what is that?
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That's saltwater taffy.
89
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What, have you never tried it before?
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I have four teeth.
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If it's not applesauce, I'm unfamiliar.
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Taffy is, like,
the official candy of vacations.
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They have free samples.
We should take some.
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Yes, free samples is my favorite way
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to slowly sink a business.
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Wow. This is incredible.
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It tastes like a memory
of a life well-lived.
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Mmm, yeah, that and,
like, a little bit of mint.
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You know, it's the end of the season,
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00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,870
so all that taffy is on sale.
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If we buy it in bulk
and bring it back to Quahog,
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we'd make a killing.
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That's a great idea.
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We are gonna make more money
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than Cryptocurrency Carl.
106
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I'll take it under one condition.
107
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You make everything matte black.
108
00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:02,593
- Okay.
- Matte black the world, baby.
109
00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:04,720
Now let me just check my portfolio.
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00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:07,014
Yes! No. Yes!
111
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No. Yes! No!
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00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:15,523
Oh, I feel so recharged after that trip.
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A total recharge weekend.
114
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Don't you feel recharged, Peter?
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If by "recharged"
you mean the slight change
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of routine short-circuited my colon
117
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so I can only poop
at 3:00 a. m., then yes.
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I feel extremely recharged.
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You know what? We had such a great time,
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I-I'm just gonna book
another visit to that house.
121
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Huh, that's weird.
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I-I can't book it.
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What the hell?
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The owner of the house gave us
a zero-star review.
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She-she said we stole something.
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I'm banned from Airbnb?
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- Ooh. Tough break for the Pelican.
- Who?!
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Okay, which one of you little rats
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stole something from that house?
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00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,865
And don't lie to me. I'm your mother.
131
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,867
I can feel your lies in my ovaries.
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00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,451
The doctor said those were cysts.
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From your lies!
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00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:12,413
They're not gonna talk, Lois.
135
00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,456
I say we hook 'em up
to the lie detector.
136
00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:15,958
Peter, that's not a lie detector.
137
00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:17,668
That's a ride-on sex machine.
138
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:20,296
It is? Well, it got me
to sing like a bird.
139
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Stop rolling it into rooms!
140
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:24,800
Mom, we didn't take
anything from the house.
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00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,468
Did the owner say what was stolen?
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00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,178
Maybe it was just a misunderstanding.
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00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:29,513
You know, you're probably right.
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00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,974
I'll contact the owner and clear it up.
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Oh, yeah, I think this is
all gonna work itself out.
146
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,729
Chris, can you grab
that wand next to you
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00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,899
and crank the speed up to "hummingbird"?
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"Hi, Dottie.
It's Lois from this weekend.
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Had such a great time with my family."
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Three exclamations,
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00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,912
three smiley faces.
152
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,830
"Thank you again for hosting."
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00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,832
Prayer hands emoji.
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Your flashlight's still on,
you old bitch.
155
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:02,546
"I just wanted to reach out
about the review you left.
156
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,548
You said we stole something."
157
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,008
Shocked emoji.
158
00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,302
"I think there was a mistake, LOL.
159
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:11,639
I talked to my family,
and no one took anything."
160
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,599
Shoulder shrug emoji.
161
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,352
"Anyway, would love
to help clear this up.
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Best, Lois Griffin."
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Three heart emojis
and an accidental letter "M"
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when I hit send.
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A bottle of shampoo?
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Ah, I smell like one of those
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00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:39,375
farmers market candles I never buy.
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00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:40,584
Oh.
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00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,044
That.
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00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,004
Forgot to grab one for Chris,
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you absolute ancient hag.
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All right, Brian, if we're
going to go door-to-door
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and sell all this, we need a game plan.
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So let's practice.
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You and I walk up to a client's house.
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Walking, walking, walking.
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We're walking, walking, walking.
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00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:03,983
Oh.
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00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:06,235
Up the steps and we knock on the door.
180
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,237
Knock-knock. Nothing.
181
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,823
Nothing... then they answer. Freeze!
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00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,409
Now what do we tell
the client we're selling?
183
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,451
- Taffy.
- Wrong.
184
00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:16,078
The first thing every salesman needs
185
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to sell is himself. Write it down.
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00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:19,957
I didn't bring a pen or paper.
187
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:21,750
All right, after we sell ourselves,
188
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,085
what do we tell
the client we're selling?
189
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,211
- Taffy?
- Wrong!
190
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:26,046
Never tell the client
what you're selling.
191
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:27,798
The second you tell them
what we're selling,
192
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,258
- they'll know what we're selling.
- Right.
193
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,093
- Wrong!
- Yeah, I might need a pen and paper.
194
00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:34,471
The second thing a salesman
needs to sell is an emotion.
195
00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:36,807
All right, let's just skip
ahead. I'll be the client. Okay.
196
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,934
You've sold yourself... barely.
197
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,145
You've sold an emotion: nostalgia.
198
00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:42,813
- Now what are you selling?
- Taf...
199
00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:45,149
Don't you dare come to my house
and tell me what you're selling.
200
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,817
Yeah, I'm having a hard time
tracking this.
201
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:48,318
Oh, you're having a hard time?
202
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,320
Do you see what I'm doing here?
Do you see my hand?
203
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:51,989
This gesture says that I'm in
204
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:55,075
a domestic abuse situation
and you're doing nothing.
205
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,494
You're just standing there
not even telling me what you're selling.
206
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:58,913
- Taffy!
- Wrong!
207
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,084
So, Mom, did you ever find out
208
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:06,670
what was stolen from
that Nantucket house?
209
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:09,089
- I did. Funny story.
- Never is.
210
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:12,217
It was a bottle of shampoo
I must have packed in my bag.
211
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,303
Oh, no way.
212
00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:16,472
You did it?
213
00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:18,766
How does your fat foot taste, Mom?
214
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,643
Apparently taking the rest
of a tiny bottle of shampoo
215
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,271
is considered stealing nowadays.
216
00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:26,315
Answer the question about the foot.
217
00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:28,484
- How big was the bottle?
- Ah, it was small.
218
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,110
I thought you said it was "tiny."
219
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,945
Would it pass through airport security?
220
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,114
- That's the threshold.
- It was very little.
221
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,532
Oh, now it's "little."
222
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,576
You're all over the place.
223
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,786
May we see the bottle?
224
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,245
I would love to show you the bottle.
225
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,499
Then you'll see how ridiculous this is.
226
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:46,335
Okay, so this dinner's not one
of her best efforts, right?
227
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,628
- Big whiff.
- I agree.
228
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,339
Okay, let's pile that on, too.
229
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,341
Yo!
230
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,218
That's borderline huge, Mom.
231
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,011
The size is misleading.
232
00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:58,013
There was barely any liquid left in it.
233
00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,681
It was sputtering to a finish.
234
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,351
It made an audible thud
when you put it down.
235
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,019
I hated tonight's chicken.
236
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,729
I am not wrong here, okay?
237
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,689
We paid a lot of money for that house,
238
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,608
and taking the ass-end
of a shampoo bottle
239
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,610
barely makes a dent into their haul.
240
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,822
There, definitive proof that
your mother always describes
241
00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:17,117
big things as being smaller
than they are.
242
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:19,243
Did you hear that, Chris?
243
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,911
We've all seen it, Dad.
244
00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:22,205
Aw.
245
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,002
Good afternoon, Mr. Quagmire.
246
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,380
Oh, salesmen. Look,
I'm gonna be straight with you.
247
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:34,299
You see this coin purse?
It contains $87,
248
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,093
which is what I allow myself to spend
249
00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:37,886
on superfluous purchases every week.
250
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,680
It is currently open.
251
00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:41,140
Just like my ears.
252
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,976
If you wow me with your pitch,
the money is yours.
253
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,769
If it closes, you have lost the sale.
254
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:46,812
Now let's hear it.
255
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,398
So...
256
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:53,527
As you can see,
we have all the classic flavors.
257
00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:55,654
It's like a vacation in a box.
258
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,490
All the fun of the beach
without that pesky commute.
259
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,325
I don't know. I only like taffy
260
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,536
when it's got cute, little jokes in 'em.
261
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:05,122
Something to laugh at while
you're doing all that chewing.
262
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,832
Who doesn't love laughing?
263
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,626
That's why our taffy comes
with jokes, too.
264
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,254
- It does?
- This is Brian's personal phone number.
265
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:14,214
Every time you eat a taffy,
266
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,300
call that number
and he'll tell you a joke.
267
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,681
Hello.
268
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,142
Hi, I'm eating my taffy.
269
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:26,768
Oh, what time is it?
270
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,896
Very late. I work nights.
271
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,940
And I like to have a treat
while I watch my infomercials.
272
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,400
Joke, please.
273
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,402
Oh, okay, um, uh...
274
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,821
what, uh... why-why did the...
275
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,990
house go to the doctor?
276
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,992
Because it had window panes.
277
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:44,995
Oh, that's good.
278
00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:46,496
I'm-a call you again in ten minutes
279
00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:48,333
when I have another piece.
280
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:54,047
- Yup.
- I swallowed quicker than I thought.
281
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,386
Do you know how awful
it feels to be labeled a thief
282
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:04,097
for something as silly
as a small bottle of shampoo?
283
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,475
Yeah.
284
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,685
I heard the bottle wasn't that small.
285
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,771
What? Where did you hear that?
286
00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:13,398
Joe and I have eerily quiet dinners.
287
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,943
We can hear all
your family's conversation.
288
00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:18,403
Mm-hmm, okay.
289
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,616
You know, I'm gonna get
a knife for this cheese.
290
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:26,119
Oh, let me get that for you.
291
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,038
They're my grandmother's knives,
292
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,832
so I'm gonna need you
to sign out which one you use.
293
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,125
Okay, that's enough.
294
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,127
I see what's happening here.
295
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:35,379
You think I'm a thief.
296
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,547
I can't believe you're not on my side.
297
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,258
I heard the bottle had a pump.
298
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,677
A pump? Who else are you
talking to about this?
299
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:44,805
I'm on a couple of text chains
discussing it.
300
00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,765
Oh, God!
301
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,308
Okay, I got to fix this.
302
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,644
I am bringing that shampoo
back to Nantucket.
303
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,438
It's the only way.
304
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:54,857
Pockets.
305
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,154
Did you come in with this ChapStick?
306
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:02,239
Yes.
307
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,325
I'll, uh, check the tape.
308
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,960
Oh, thanks for agreeing
to meet me here, Dottie.
309
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:17,045
Of course, Bell over the Door Café
310
00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:18,922
has the best coffee on the island.
311
00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,050
You know, I wanted
to clear the air with you
312
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,468
about that bottle of shampoo.
313
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,930
It turns out we did take it by mistake.
314
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,390
I-I feel terrible,
315
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:31,685
so I wanted to return it
to you personally.
316
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,896
That's so nice.
317
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:36,982
You didn't have to drive all this way.
318
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,608
I mean, you could have
just put it in the mail.
319
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:41,278
Oh, no, the mail is so impersonal.
320
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,572
It was important I did this in person.
321
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,657
Well, thank you again.
322
00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:49,328
So, now that this is settled,
323
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,289
I was thinking maybe
you could change your review.
324
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,541
Oh. I'm sorry, no.
325
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:55,667
I can't do that.
326
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,627
Oh, but...
327
00:13:57,628 --> 00:13:59,379
but I returned the bottle.
328
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,299
Lois, I write the reviews of my guests
329
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:05,177
based on their behavior
while they're in my home.
330
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,804
And you stole the shampoo.
331
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,140
And you only brought it back
because you got caught.
332
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:12,184
So if anything,
you're proving what I wrote
333
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,895
about you was correct.
334
00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:18,482
Dottie. Dot.
335
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,608
D.
336
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:21,568
Look, I am on my back here.
337
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,320
My legs are in the stirrups,
338
00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:24,821
forceps have been utilized,
339
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,698
there was some sort of suction,
and still
340
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,992
- that's not enough?
- I'm not changing it.
341
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,119
Can we turn that bell off?!
342
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,330
That bell was the only item recovered
343
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,582
from a shipwreck
that devastated our island.
344
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,709
Entire families were torn apart, and...
345
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,711
Why am I telling you?
346
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,839
James Taylor wrote
a whole song about it.
347
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:47,010
♪ 94 souls set out on that day ♪
348
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,846
♪ And only a bell came back ♪
349
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:54,059
♪ And it sings ding-a-ding,
ding-a-ring-a-ding-ding ♪
350
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,144
♪ Ding-a-ring-a-ding-ding... ♪
351
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,687
Shut up, James Taylor!
352
00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,231
Things can happen in New England
353
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,816
without you needing to sing about it.
354
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,360
I think you should leave.
355
00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,195
Okay. You win, Dottie.
356
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,571
You got your shampoo back
357
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,407
and you officially got me canceled.
358
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,200
This isn't being canceled.
359
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:12,202
- I think it is.
- It's not!
360
00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:13,412
Shut up, James Taylor!
361
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,080
You don't scare me, lady.
362
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,125
I was married to Carly Simon.
363
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,965
You stole the shampoo, Lois.
364
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:29,052
I'm not changing the review.
365
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,054
I heard it had a pump.
366
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:34,057
♪ Ring-ring-a-ding-ding. ♪
367
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:36,435
No! I can't let her win.
368
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,686
Stop the ferry!
369
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,188
We haven't left yet, ma'am.
370
00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:53,326
What's your weakness, Dottie?
371
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:55,537
I am gonna find it.
372
00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:00,000
Oh, God, Lois, no more chowder for you.
373
00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,299
Oh!
374
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,342
DoorDash. That's it!
375
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,262
Okay, time to do a choppy
FaceTime with the kids.
376
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,890
Hey, Lois. When are you coming home?
377
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,558
Stewie ...ooped ...tub.
378
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:18,018
Stewie what?
379
00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:20,729
...ooped ...ub! I... with an oven mitt!
380
00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,147
What with an oven mitt?
381
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:23,440
- What?
- Hi, Mom.
382
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,775
- ...ooped ...ub!
- Who?
383
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:27,611
Everybody ...ooped... the tub...
384
00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:30,072
more ...oop than water. Come home!
385
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:33,158
♪ Ding, ding-a-ring, ring-a-ring-a ♪
386
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,702
♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ding, ding-a-ring ♪
387
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,579
♪ Ding-ding ♪
388
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:40,332
♪ Ring-a-ding,
ding-a-ring, ring-a-ring-a ♪
389
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:43,585
♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ring-a-
ding-ding, ding-ding. ♪
390
00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,351
This is terrible, Brian.
391
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,810
We've barely sold any boxes.
392
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,437
Nobody likes taffy.
393
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,814
Yeah, I guess without
the salt air and ocean views,
394
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,441
it's just subpar gum.
395
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:09,444
What are we gonna do? We sunk
a lot of money into this.
396
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:11,112
We need to pivot.
397
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,614
It's not selling as candy,
398
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:14,658
so we need to repackage it as something
399
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,243
people actually want.
400
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,327
Let's brainstorm.
401
00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:19,163
Okay. Hmm.
402
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:23,166
You know, I'm-I'm really not
liking your brainstorming face.
403
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,335
Very unlikable eyebrow movement.
404
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:26,711
Shh! I got it, I got it.
405
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:29,506
Colored layered sand in bottles.
406
00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:31,841
That's a whole different bad idea.
407
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:34,636
Okay, what about bottles
with layered sand in it
408
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:36,471
that's different colors?
409
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,139
That's the same thing
except with the words
410
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,266
in a different order.
411
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:41,017
We're never gonna sell all this stuff
412
00:17:41,018 --> 00:17:42,727
unless we can find
a big enough group of suckers
413
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,897
to trick into taking it off our hands.
414
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,320
Welp, we found 'em!
415
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:54,197
Stewie, rebranding this taffy
416
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:56,241
as Chew Anon was a stroke of genius.
417
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:58,243
Yep, and when we told Joe Rogan
418
00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,828
it cured COVID, we were off.
419
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:03,249
God bless our stupid, stupid country.
420
00:18:14,969 --> 00:18:17,178
Hello, Dottie.
421
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:19,806
Lois? What are you doing here?
422
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,975
Well, I brought your dinner.
423
00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:24,769
And... delivery complete.
424
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,688
Oh, well, would you look at that.
425
00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:28,648
It looks like it's my turn
to give someone a review.
426
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:29,983
What?
427
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:32,110
After every delivery,
drivers get to rate
428
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,446
their experience with the customer.
429
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,156
Wouldn't it be a shame
430
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,325
if one of only two DoorDash drivers
431
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,412
on the island gave you a poor review?
432
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:45,957
Well, they might ban
you from the app, Dottie.
433
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,209
You might actually have
to leave the house
434
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:50,546
for food during the winter season.
435
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:55,008
Okay, what do you want, money?
436
00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:56,301
No, no, no, no, no.
437
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,261
Here's what's gonna happen, Dottie.
438
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,055
You're gonna take out your phone,
439
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,681
open up Airbnb,
440
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,767
then change that review.
441
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,226
Okay.
442
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,312
Type the following: "Would."
443
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,356
- Would...
- "Host."
444
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:11,483
- Host.
- "Again."
445
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,485
- Again.
- Send.
446
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,111
So that's it?
447
00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,446
- This is over?
- That's it.
448
00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:18,615
This is over.
449
00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:21,117
You know what, Dottie?
450
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,661
I did steal that shampoo.
451
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,912
You did?
452
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,330
You're damn right I did!
453
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,332
I was always gonna steal that shampoo.
454
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,750
And do you know why?
455
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,418
Because when I stood in your shower
456
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,837
and rubbed that
peach orchard-scented bottle
457
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,049
of bliss into my hair,
I felt like somebody else.
458
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,009
I felt like somebody who mattered.
459
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,678
Somebody who had enough disposable cash
460
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,347
that she could buy a scented shampoo.
461
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,516
That's what Airbnbs do, Dottie.
462
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,686
They make you feel like
you're living a fairy tale life.
463
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,063
And I wanted that feeling to last.
464
00:19:50,064 --> 00:19:51,648
And it did!
465
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:54,025
Also, I opened your locked closet
466
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,194
and put on your wedding dress.
I ate yogurt in it.
467
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,946
Oh, my God.
468
00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,364
Yeah, oh, my God.
469
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,533
Because that's what Lois Griffin does.
470
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,619
Really, I should be thanking you
for reminding me of who I am:
471
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,747
a secret little psycho
with very little to lose.
472
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,249
And there's a million of us out there,
473
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:11,710
and you're just welcoming
us all into your homes.
474
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,712
So if you ever think of giving someone
475
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,215
a bad review again, remember this.
476
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:20,052
We know where you live.
477
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,555
Airbnb. What are you doing?!
478
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,516
It's your house!
479
00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:36,234
- Well, it all worked out.
- What?
480
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,236
Oh, I said it all worked out.
481
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,238
I got my reputation back on Airbnb,
482
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,073
and Dottie got her comeuppance.
483
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:45,160
I don't know what you're
talking about, and I don't care.
484
00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:47,120
Oh. I just thought we could share
485
00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:49,164
some conversation to pass the time.
486
00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,791
You're the lady who yelled
at me in the coffee shop.
487
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,795
You think I give a crap
about anything you have to say?
488
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,381
Kind of thought you'd have
a helicopter, James Taylor.
489
00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,968
Carly got it in the divorce.
35689
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