Original subtitles

How did you ever get ready for our wedding?

- Mommy.

- Oh, that's right.

- I had blocked out the fact that you were 30

And still living at home.

- 29.

- Yeah, whatever.

- By the way,

I'm not dancing at this thing, okay?

So don't even ask.

- Come on! I want to dance with you!

- No, no.

When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys.

- Yes, but if you dance with me,

Then you can look for my keys.

- Hmm. No, no, no.

No, no, sorry, no.

- You are so unromantic.

- What? You know I don't like dancing.

- You know I do like dancing.

- Then why did you marry me?

Well?

- I'm thinking.

- Okay, okay...

Yup, yup, yup, yup.

[crinkling]

[doorbell rings]

Okay, all right, comin'.

- Hey, hey, ray.

- Whoa. No, no, no.

- I told you the knicks would win.

- Hey, what do you got to eat? It's Tuesday. Manicotti, right?

- No--no, kevin! - I'm hungry!

- No, you're not hungry.

Come on, you guys gotta get out of here.

- Hey, you want to go to the track?

- No, no.

- Come on, that horse is running that I know the trainer.

- That doesn't mean he's gonna win.

- Yeah, but we can feed him after.

- Come on.

- You hold your hand flat--

- Guys, please, please, please.

Come on, you gotta leave, all right?

You gotta. Debra's coming over.

- Debra...

I don't know how you got so lucky.

- I don't either,

And I don't need to draw her attention to it, okay?

Come on. - She's hot, you know?

- Yeah, I know.

- No, I mean, she really hot.

- I know that, kevin.

- She is hot. You know, the guys at work--

- All right, guys! I know, I know she's hot!

- Did you tell her newsday promoted you to columnist?

- I-I'm doing that tonight. Come on!

- Hey, what's the story on the jell-o?

- It's to go. Take it out.

- We just got here!

- Come on, I'm asking her to marry me.

- Tonight?

- Yeah.

Yes, I just got the job,

So I'm asking her.

- You're asking debra to marry you tonight?

- Yes.

- What's she gonna say?

- She's gonna say, "why are kevin and andy here?"

Come on, guys, you gotta go.

- Where do we go?

- This is all so sudden.

- Congratulations.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Hi, guys.

- Hi. - Hi.

- What's wrong with them?

- Oh, they wanted jell-o, and it's not for them.

I told them.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Guess what.

Carrots instead of potato chips, fatty.

- It's muscle, it's muscle.

- Hi, fatty. Hi, little hiney.

Yeah.

Here, that's for you.

- Well, no, wait.

I told you to get one of your romantic, mushy movies

You always like to see.

- Yeah, but you love this one.

We'll see mine next week.

- It's planet of the apes.

- Yeah, but didn't you say that was a classic?

Monkeys riding horses.

- Yeah, I mean, it's a classic but...

I don't know, you gotta be like in the mood for it.

Why don't we just...

You know what?

Why don't we just-- we'll sit, and we--

I'll sit over here.

And, uh, we'll just-- you know what we'll do?

We'll eat some carrot sticks, and, uh...

We'll talk.

- Ray, I told you,

I'm not having sex on your mom's plastic couch.

- But I...

I don't want...

No...

I don't want sex, all right?

I just-- I want a carrot, that's all.

- Okay, we'll go to your room. Come on.

- What? No, wait! No, no, no!

- What do you mean, "no"?

- No, I mean, no for now.

Yes in a few minutes.

- What do you want?

- All right, just sit down.

Sit down.

Um, something happened--

I want to show you something.

This is the early edition of tomorrow's newsday,

And I wanted to show you somethin'

Before anybody else knows about it.

- What happened? Did you do something illegal?

- No. No, no, no.

There's this great column.

I want you to read it.

It's from this new guy.

Oh, here it is.

He's really-- he's a great writer,

Even though he is a little weird-lookin'.

He's a-- look at his picture.

- [gasps]

- Yeah, he's weird-lookin'.

- Ahh!

Oh, my god!

Oh, god, when did this happen?

- It happened Monday.

I didn't even tell my family yet.

I just--I wanted you to be the first to see it.

- "more than a game" by raymond barone.

Oh, my god! Oh, ray!

Oh, good, I'm so happy for you.

- Whoops!

Sorry.

You guys finishing up or just starting?

- Dad!

Come on, what are you doing back here?

- Relax, romeo, I forgot my driving glasses.

I would have kept going,

But your mother thinks I hit a deer.

- Ray, tell your dad.

- No, no, no, not now.

- What? What, did you break something?

- No, no!

- Look, frank, look.

- Wait, wait, what is it?

Hey, it's you.

- Yeah, it's his column. He's a columnist.

- Holy crap.

A columnist?

But newsday is like a real paper.

- Yeah, well, I guess I slipped through the cracks.

- Hey, wait, wait, wait, I wanna read this.

It's not every day a son of mine amounts to something.

- Dad, please, come on,

Mom's waiting for you in the car.

- She's fine. I cracked the window.

- Dad, please, give it to me.

- "as a boy, sports was the only way

I could connect with my father."

- Dad.

- "the first game he took me to

"was at yankee stadium when I was eight.

"bobby murcer homered in the ninth to win it.

"I thought nothing could be more thrilling.

"then on the ride home, my father talked to me.

"he listened.

"he shared his passion for sports with me.

"I love sports for many reasons now,

"but I have to say

That what drew me to the games as a young boy

Was the ride home."

What, are you saying I didn't talk to you?

What is this?

Is that what you're saying?

- All right, dad, that's not what I'm saying.

Now, please, don't read anymore.

- Frank, I'm in the car.

What are you doing reading the newspaper?

- He's reading ray's column.

- Yeah, I'm reading about how terrible I was.

- Ray's column?

- Your son is the new sports columnist for newsday.

- Oh!

- Okay. All right. Okay, ma.

- I knew you'd do it. You're a writer.

I told you he was smart.

Let me see that. Let me see that.

- Hey, hey, let go. It's about me.

- Dad, will you please give me the newspaper?

- I didn't connect with you?

- Dad, you're not supposed-- give it to me, dad.

- I'm trying to connect with you.

Get away from me.

- You're not supposed to read it!

- What are you afraid of? I'm finishing this!

"I'm hoping sports will bring me closer

"to someone else in my life.

"the person who will be sitting next to me reading this.

Debra, will you marry me?"

- For that last part,

He was supposed to be down on one knee.

- Oh, honey!

- Dad, what did you do?

- Oh, raymond, it's so wonderful.

- What's going on?

- Oh, raymond just asked debra to marry him.

- Well, technically.

- And?

- And? Oh...

- Yes!

[screams]

[both laughing]

[all talking]

- Congratulations to you both.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Oh, I know, I'm so pleased.

And raymond got his own column today.

- And his picture in the paper.

- Oh, look at him.

[all talking at once]

- I can't believe this!

- Hey. - Hey.

Read your column.

- Oh, yeah?

- Pretty good.

The stuff about dad and the ride home.

- Yeah, thanks.

- You know, I was there too.

- Yeah, no.

I know. I was going to mention you,

But, you know, the column's so--

- No, no.

Anyway, congratulations on the column.

And the engagement.

- Thanks.

You know, I was wondering if you...

You know, if you wanted to be best man and all?

- Me?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- That would be an honor.

- Good, 'cause you're definitely in the running.

I'm kidding. It's you.

- It's me? - It's you. You're in.

- Oh, you're kidding around. - You're in.

- Good. Best man, yeah. - Why not?

- That'll be good, best man.

- That was crazy. Wasn't that crazy last night?

God, I couldn't even give debra the ring.

- Why don't you have dad give it to her?

[laughing]

- Yeah, I get it.

- I can't believe you proposed to her in front all of them.

- Yeah.

Wait a minute.

- What?

- What if she wanted to say no?

- What do you mean?

- She was in front of the whole family.

She had to say yes.

- Come on.

- Plus, I put it in the paper.

Oh, no, why did I do that?

She couldn't say no.

Oh, my god. I am a jack ass.

- I think you're supposed to put the accent on the jack.

- Oh, god, what did I do?

I'm like one of those losers at the ball game

That rents a blimp.

Oh, "marry me, hilda." yeah.

Hilda can't say no. They'll throw beer on her.

- Would you stop, okay?

- Think about it. Think about it. Really.

She's hot, right?

- Oh, yeah, you know, the guys at the precinct...

- Okay, okay, okay!

So why me, huh?

I mean, well, look at me. Look at me.

Look at me, man.

I mean, from the front, all right, I'm okay.

I can get by from the front.

But look at my profile.

I'm a flamingo.

- Everybody thinks I'm the weird one.

- No, you know I'm right. You know I'm right.

- Raymond, calm down, okay?

Let's look at the facts, all right?

She comes over, right away you get a kiss.

Always.

- Well, so? I get that from mom.

- That must be nice too.

How about when debra's sitting next to you, right?

She always has to be right up against you.

Holding your hand, playing with your hair.

You both make me sick.

You know why she wants to marry you, raymond?

Because she loves you.

That's why she said yes.

- Maybe.

- Where are you going?

- I've gotta give her another chance to say no.

- Flamingo.

[laughs] yeah.

[door knocking]

- Hi. - Hi.

- So?

Feel different, huh?

- Why, do you feel different?

- Of course.

- Like, doomed?

- Yes, exactly like that.

- Listen, listen.

Last night,

When my father asked you to marry me

And you said yes to my mother...

I'm wondering if maybe...

- What?

- Well, like, maybe you felt pressured,

Like you were at a ball park.

- What?

- All right, let me ask you again.

Okay, nobody's-- nobody's here.

You can say whatever you want.

Do you really want to marry me?

- [gasps]

Oh, my god!

- Wait, wait, is that for me or for the ring?

- Oh, my god! This is so beautiful.

- Okay, but would you still want me without the ring?

- What are you talking about?

I can't believe this.

Lookit. I can't wait to show everybody.

Wait, I gotta look at this under the light.

- I'm never going to get a straight answer now.

- Gimme that ring for a second, please.

- No, no, no, no. Give me my ring back.

- Wait, please, wait!

Do you really want to marry me?

- What? Yes!

- Take your time!

Think...One more time.

[sighs]

Do you really wanna marry me?

- Yes, ray, I really wanna marry you.

I got the ring! I got the ring!

Oh, I love it.

It's great. Come here.

Come here, I gotta show you all my plans here.

- Plans? What do you mean?

- Yeah, for the wedding.

- You're already planning the wedding?

- I've been planning it since I was 12.

You didn't meet me till you were 22.

- Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.

- Yeah. You're sure that I fit?

You're not, like, cramming me in there, right?

- Ok, ok, look at this.

These bridesmaids dresses.

Do you like that color?

- Yeah, they're great

If they're going to jog to church at night, I guess.

- Ha ha. Come on, this is important.

- So this is all about the wedding.

- Of course it's about the wedding.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a second.

What if I told you forget about all this?

Huh? Would you still wanna marry me

If we couldn't have a big wedding?

- I don't need a big wedding.

That's fine.

- Wait, wait, what about what your sister had?

- Oh, god, that was way too much.

I wouldn't want that anyway.

- So, you're not just excited now about a big wedding?

You'd marry me even if we had a small wedding.

- Oh, honey, listen, if you want a small wedding,

We'll have a small wedding, ok?

- You're good with a small wedding?

- Of course.

- And I'm still honey?

- Yes, you are.

- Ok.

[doorbell rings]

Aah, my parents!

- Oh, boy.

[all talking at once]

- Hello there, son-in-law.

- Hello there...You.

- You know, on the way down here,

I was busy reading my favorite sports columnist.

Boy, that mike lupica can really write.

Congratulations, ray.

- I've never been a sports fan,

But now...Go sports!

- Ok.

- Look, mom.

- Is that adorable?

- Hey, we gotta talk date.

- Oh, yes.

I checked, and the country club is only available

On June 3 or the 17th.

- It's the big room, dear.

- Of course it's the big room.

Big room, big band, big shrimp.

- So, like, 200, 250 tops.

- 250? People?

- Yeah, why? What did you have in mind?

- A small wedding. Like 20 people.

[laughter]

Ok, 2o each.

- 40?

- You said a small wedding.

You said you didn't care about a big wedding.

- Ray, but 40 people is not a wedding.

That's like a barbecue.

- So you do care about the wedding.

- Honey, I told you I've been imagining this

Since I was 12 years old.

- You knew 200 people when you were 12?

- You know, last month, I was at a wedding

Where they released doves.

- Oh, can't believe you said that.

I have a picture of it right here.

- Doves?

- Oh, and the centerpieces.

Do you know what they're doing now?

The base is a fishbowl.

- With fish in it?

- Well, of course, with fish in it.

- God, that would be so great.

- So, ladies, the third or the 17th?

[both] 17th.

- The chocolatier isn't available until then.

- Yes, and that'll give me a chance for another fitting.

- Yes.

- Ralph, it's warren.

Big room. Mm-hmm. The 17th.

Right.

- I'm invited, right?