Original subtitles

- What's that thing?

- It's a coin sorter.

Herminsons are having a garage sale,

And you know how I feel about loose change:

Not for me.

- Ugh.

Something else we don't need.

Your father's been bringing home useless junk for 40 years.

- You were item number one.

- We should be having a garage sale, frank.

- No.

No garage sale.

I'm not lugging everything up from the basement

And then standing out there all day dealing with people.

People.

- I bet ed's making a lot of money on that thing.

- He told me he already made $200.

- Ooh.

- $200?

For herminson's crap?

We got much better crap than him.

We're having a garage sale.

No, no, better.

Make it a yard sale.

That's classier.

I bet I can sell this thing for $15.

That's pure profit.

- Hey, who took my thing, dad?

- Hey, listen up.

You and robert got till tomorrow morning

At 8:00 in the a.M. To get all the crap

You're storing in this house out.

We're clearing the place out.

- Oh, my god.

You're moving?

- No, we're having a yard sale.

- Oh, oh, yard sale.

Oh, for a second I thought you were moving,

Which would make us so, so sad.

- Aww.

No, sweetie.

We're not going anywhere, no.

Oh.

[smooches]

No, we'll always be with you.

- 'cause I'll help you move.

- Let's go. Let's go.

Got a half an hour.

- Yeah, relax.

- Move it out!

- Take it easy, dad, all right?

Nobody's at your yard sale yet.

The bowling alleys are still open.

- Well, anything you don't claim, I'm selling.

- Hey, listen, if we don't want it for free,

What makes you think people are gonna pay for it?

- People are idiots.

- Did you know I used to come down here

To hide from you?

- Oh, yeah?

I used to come down here to hide from dad.

- He used to come down to hide from mom.

- Remember when we all ended up down here at the same time?

- Then mom locked us in to teach us a lesson.

- And dad shut off the water

While she was still in the shower.

- Yeah.

- Good times.

- [chuckles] yeah.

- All right, let's get to it, huh?

- Oh, oh, man.

You know what, this is just--

It's too much like work.

Look, just let dad sell what's ever here.

That's all.

- What, are you kidding?

This is our childhood.

This is who we are.

- Hey, hey, hey, my handprint turkey.

Gully, gully, gully, gah, gah, gah, gah.

[chuckles]

- That's a turkey?

- Yeah, you know, I was a kid.

- Yeah, uh-huh.

- Ahh, look at this. Look at all this--

All this cool school stuff of mine.

- Where's my stuff?

- Ahh, look at this.

I invented this in shop class.

- You invented wood.

- It's a bug-killing system.

Look, I wrote directions down.

"put bug on block 'a' and press down with block 'b'

"until crunching is heard.

Rinse and repeat."

- All these boxes say "ray" on 'em.

I used to have things too, you know.

- Here you go.

Here's something with your name on it.

- What?

- Your baby shoes?

- 40 years, this is all they saved.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Hector von fuzzy pants.

[giggling]

Or something.

I don't-- hector von some--

I don't know. Oh, it's stupid.

- All right.

Come on, hurry up, boys.

Your father wants a staff meeting

On the lawn in five minutes.

- Ma, what are you doing?

What are you selling all this stuff for?

- 'cause I need this area for your father.

See, I'm gonna bring down a chair and a television,

And I'm gonna leave meals at the top of the stairs.

He'll be very happy.

- Ma, ma, wait.

- What? - What's with these shoes?

What'd you save these for?

- I don't know. Let me see.

[gasps]

Oh, I bought these for you for christmas one year.

- I never got 'em.

- I must have hidden them down here

And forgotten to give them to you.

[laughs]

That's funny.

- Shoes for christmas.

- [mouthing words]

- Oh.

What's all that?

- This is my whole childhood that my parents want to sell

To any zeke with a pickup.

- Now, where are we gonna keep all this stuff?

- Come on, debra.

This is--it's good stuff.

- Oh, look.

"ray, 1969," oh.

- It's an ashtray. I made it for my dad.

Said he loved it.

Said he would start smoking.

He never did.

- Well, when the time comes, you'll smoke for your children.

- What do you got there?

- Oh, it's just a bunch of clothing

I was just gonna take it over to the yard sale.

- Really? - Yeah.

Come on, kids.

Got to go to grandma and grandpa's.

Ray, just grab that crib, okay?

Oh, come on.

Go on, ray. Hurry up.

- We're getting rid of the cribs?

- Yeah, what do we need them for anymore?

- I don't know.

- What?

- I don't know, in case--

- What, for what?

- I don't know.

- What, for all the other kids we're gonna have?

Yeah, why don't we have ten more and move into a shoe?

Hey, frank. - Hey, hey.

Welcome to honest frank's yard of bargains.

- Oh, yeah. - Hiya, kids.

- Here we go.

- Okay, what have we here, debra?

- Well, it's mostly baby stuff.

The crib goes in furniture. - Yeah.

- Clothes in clothes. - Right.

- All right, hey.

Maybe I ought to start an all-baby section.

[chuckles]

They're suckers for babies.

- You know what, dad?

We'll take care of all of this, all right?

So we're gonna get rid of all this stuff, huh?

- Yeah, and after your dad takes his cut,

We get to keep 40%.

- Hey, hey, check this out.

- Dad, all right, can you give us a second here, please?

- You see what I did?

I scraped the rust off.

Eye appeal is buy appeal.

20 bucks.

- 20 bucks?

Nobody's gonna pay that for a used thermos.

- They will if it was used by the pope.

Hey, fella, you catholic?

You like hot soup?

- Wow, I can't believe we saved all this stuff, huh?

What do you think, ray?

Like, a buck for a bag of bibs?

Buck a bag of bibs.

Buck a bag of bibs.

A buck a bag of bibs.

Can you say that? Just say it.

Buck a bag of bibs. Buck a bag of bibs.

- Yeah, okay, look.

So we're not gonna have any more kids?

- What, are you serious?

- I'm just--I'm wondering.

- I don't know.

Are we supposed to?

- I don't know.

I mean, I just-- I thought that if we weren't

We both would have known about it.

- [clears throat]

I don't think this is the place to talk about this right now.

- Oh, I wasn't listening.

- Listen.

I'm not saying I definitely want more kids,

But I just didn't know we had made that decision.

- Well, I mean, nobody made an actual decision, ray.

- I just thought that--

I thought since we hadn't done anything drastic--

- Drastic?

- Yes, you know, since we hadn't...

Snip, snip, snip, snip,

That we could maybe--

- What?

- I don't know.

Maybe we could have more kids.

- Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing.

- Oh, god.

- Are we talking about having more children?

- Ray.

- Ma, look, this is between me and debra, okay?

- Yeah, and I don't think that this is the place to do this.

- Raymond, what did you mean

By "snip, snip, snip, snip, snip"?

- God, now I got to have that dream.

What are you doing?

- Dad wants me to keep an eye on that one in sporting goods.

- You really think mrs. Scarpool

Is gonna steal cross-country skis?

- Not on my watch.

- Hey, you two porcupines,

I need you to bring that sofa bed

Up from the basement.

- Old lucky?

I mean, old musty?

- Listen, I haven't told your mother yet,

But I'm fixing a little area for her down there.

- A little area.

- I'm gonna bring down her sewing machine,

Maybe a folding chair, maybe a hot plate.

She'll love it.

She can stay down there all day.

- Sounds like a sweatshop, dad.

- Nah, I'll give her a little fan.

- Debra, would you help me price these things?

If we look busy, then nobody'll bother us.

- Oh, that doesn't work.

I just was trying to look busy.

- Can I let you in on a little secret?

- Um...

- I wanted to have more children too.

- We don't want to have more children.

- Oh?

Well, if I overheard correctly, raymond does.

Listen.

I wanted to have another baby,

But frank wouldn't even hear of it.

And well, I was just crushed.

You know, I love my boys,

But I always wanted a little girl too.

You know what I used to do?

I used to put robbie in a little pink dress

And dance him around the room.

- You got any pictures of that?

- The reason I bring it up is that,

Well, we're not getting any younger, dear.

And you want to plant your seedlings before winter comes

And everything freezes over.

- Jeez.

- You can't talk to her.

- All right, easy, easy.

Stop pushing it, robert.

- I'm not pushing.

- Take--I'm losing my grip.

I'm put--I'm putting it down.

- Wait, wait, wait! - I'm putting it down.

Clunk!

- Ow!

- Well, what's the matter?

- You told me while you were putting it down.

- Oh, you just--you're slow.

You used to do that to me on the seesaw.

"I'm getting off," boom.

- Hey, chuckleheads, this ain't the employee lounge.

I got a rube out there I think I can unload this on.

- All right, take it easy, dad.

This thing weighs a ton, all right?

- Well, then open it up and pull the mattress out.

What, are you two sharing a brain?

I'll use this cushion to keep him on the hook.

[groans]

Ick.

There you go.

- All right. - All right.

[grunting]

- Ready, one...

- Yeah.

- Two, three.

[dishes crashing]

- We were too close to the table.

- Stupid couch, stupid--

Stupid.

- Hey.

Don't take your problems with debra out on the sofa bed.

- What are you talking about?

- I know the situation.

You know, the kid thing, you and debra.

- Well, where'd you hear that?

- It's all over the yard.

- What?

- Don't worry.

What's said in the yard stays in the yard.

Why is everybody talking about this except me and debra?

- Well, we're all wondering about that too.

And let me just say this, okay?

Debra has a point, ray.

All right, it's a lot of work raising kids.

There you are at the office.

Then you come breezing home.

"look what I wrote.

Where's my dinner?"

How much help are you really?

- Okay, what--what do you know about it?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right, huh?

What could I know?

I'm just robert; I don't have any kids.

I'm a reproductive cul-de-sac.

- Can you just fold this up, please?

- I could still have kids, you know.

- I know, robert. - Ooh.

- What are you guys talking about?

- Don't worry, deb.

I'm on your side.

- You're on my side?

- That's right, and I'm not the only one.

- I don't believe this, ray.

What are you doing?

- Hey, listen--

- [groans]

- Look, I just wanted to talk about it, all right, that's all.

You just--you assumed that we were done having kids.

Well, I don't know that I'm done yet.

- Well, I am.

- Well...

- You know what?

Why don't I just get this out of your way, okay?

[couch creaking and banging]

It's stuck.

You know what, I might be a while.

- Hey, there's a sucker out here

Who just paid sticker price on the crib.

- The crib?

- Yeah, I need one of you two numbskulls

To go put it in her car before she sees the teeth marks.

- I'm gonna go.

- Ray.

- And mrs. Scarpool is on your side too.

- Uh, listen--

- Ah, thanks, it's the green minivan.

- Yeah, there's been a misunderstanding.

This crib's not for sale.

- What?

- Yeah, sorry.

- But I already bought it.

Dad, give this woman a refund, please.

- I'm sorry, lady.

All sales are final.

- But I want the crib.

- No, no, no, dad.

Dad, we're not selling this crib.

Please, give her her money back.

- What have you been smoking?

Give her the crib.

- All right, stop it, no.

No, dad, I'm not selling the crib.

Please, how much did you pay for this?

- Ray, ray, come on.

What are you doing?

- He's blowing the sale.

You're fired.

- Look, we're not selling the crib.

Here, here's 40 bucks.

- She only paid $30.

- I don't care. Please let go.

- Ray.

- It's raymond's crib.

They're gonna need it.

- No, we're not.

- I'm gonna need it Thursday.

- Marie, stop.

- Robert, help, help!

- Ray, give her the crib.

- No. - What do you mean, no?

- I want another baby!

[crib creaking and squeaking]

- That is one special kind of idiot.

- Excuse me, sir?

How much for these photos

Of the cute little girl in the pink dress?

- Ray.

- What?

- You want to talk?

- Do you?

- Well, everybody in the yard thinks we should.

- Look, it's just that

That mean pregnant lady was taking our crib.

I just wanted to stop and think about it for a second.

That's all.

- Okay, okay.

Let's think about it.

Another baby.

We have three.

- Yeah, but it's really not like three,

Because the twins were kind of like a twofer.

You know?

- You know, I gave birth to them, ray.

Believe me.

We have three.

- Look, I'm not saying that I want more kids,

But to say that we're never gonna have any more--

I don't know, I mean--

Remember when they were born,

And they were so little and stuff?

I liked that, you know,

When they're little.

I don't know.

Don't you like that?

I like that.

- Oh, ray.

[door rattles]

- Oh, my god.

- Ma, can we be alone, please?

- No.

I mean, I'm happy that you and debra

Are working things out,

But please, this is my kitchen.

- We're talking, ma.

We're talking; that's all.

- Okay.

But I'm just outside,

And I can come back any minute.

- That's just like at our house.

- Look at this.

- Oh, yeah, and look at the purple stain.

You remember how that got there?

That's you trying to give michael

His medicine in the dark.

- Hmm.

- And we all got that cold.

You remember?

- Huh.

- And I think ally had a mouthful of tuna fish

When she sneezed all over you.

Nobody got any sleep that week.

- Or ever since.

- I'm just saying, think about it.

More kids.

- Can we give back the ones we already have?

- Oh.

Not without a receipt.

- Hmm.

I'm sorry. Look, I don't know.

I don't know what I was thinking.

All right, I'm gonna put these back on the table.

Here, I don't think anybody's gonna want that.

- You okay, ray?

- I'm tired, yeah.

- Ray?

- Ray?

Ray!

Please tell me we had a sister!

- Right this way, my friend.

Don, is it?

- Mm-hmm.

- Don, I don't know whether I should let you

Lie down on this beauty, 'cause once you're on it,

You're never gonna want to get up.

[chuckles]

Floating on a cloud, huh, don?

- There's, like, a pole digging in my back.

- Don't worry about that.

[clanging]

- [shouts]

- You know, it comes with a thermos.

Are you catholic?