Original subtitles

- Shoes off,

Heels against the wall,

Feet together, head level.

Go ahead.

- Okay, and 5'11 3/4".

- No, no, no.

I'm 6 feet tall.

- Me next.

- No, wait, wait, ally.

Let daddy do it.

Go ahead, do it again.

- Okay.

5'11 3/4".

- No!

- It says 5'11 3/4".

- You can't tell on a giraffe.

I'm 6 feet tall, everybody.

I'm 6 feet tall.

Ray barone.

Black hair, brown eyes,

6 feet tall.

People say, "who are you?"

I'm 6 feet tall, that's who I am.

- All right. And...

It's 5'11 3/4".

- Come on! - That's what it says.

Look, 5'11 3/4".

- All right, all right.

What, you like saying it?

- You don't have to get so upset about it.

- Guys care about height, you know?

Just like women care about weight.

- I don't care about weight.

- Yeah, you don't

'cause you only weigh about, what, 140?

See?

Don't get on your high horse

If you can't take the smell.

- Ray, I'm sorry about your height.

I still love you, okay?

The kids love you.

Don't you, kids?

See?

- I'm 6 feet tall.

- Honey, maybe you were 6 feet tall,

But you just shrunk a little bit.

- What do you mean, shrunk?

- Well, that happens, you know?

As you get older, people tend to just--

- Shrink?

- Look, it's not a big deal. It happens to everyone.

- I'm shrinking now?

- Ray, don't get all, you know--

- Oh, my god. I'm shrinking.

- Ray.

Ray!

Mommy is not 140.

- Raymond, raymond, raymond.

Sounds like you're having a little midlife crisis.

- What?

No, no.

God, midlife crisis.

I don't want one of those.

- Ah, that's not the problem.

Come here, raygeleh.

You're worried that you're not gonna accomplish

Everything you set out to do in life.

- I am? - Who knows?

But I went to this self-improvement seminar

To meet women,

And I learned that people with goals

Don't worry so much about getting old.

- Did you meet anyone?

- No one.

Apparently, I don't appeal to women with goals.

Why don't you go home, hug your fathers,

And maybe we'll win a game.

- You know what you got to do, ray?

What they made us do at the seminar.

You make a list of the 100 things

You want to do before you die.

- 100?

[muttering]

- Easy.

Yeah, you just, you know, think of the stuff

That you want in your life that you don't have.

- Look, I don't need any of that, all right?

All I need is another quarter inch.

- Who doesn't?

- You are correct.

Right on the money.

- "things to do before I die"?

- It's personal, okay?

Like you have your feminine products.

- Is this about you shrinking?

- Maybe a little.

Look, the guys thought

That the reason the shrinking thing is bothering me

Is 'cause I'm having a midlife crisis.

Yeah, and I need some goals, you know?

Something to shoot for.

- You want to have an affair?

- What? Where did that come from?

- Well, how come you won't show me?

- Yeah, I put "have an affair" on paper.

That's one of my goals.

"disappoint another woman."

- Huh.

Yeah, I get it.

Okay, just give me the list, all right?

I just want to see it.

- Look, just keep in mind, it's not really done yet.

- "peking duck."

"goat cheese pizza"?

What is this?

- That's--I told you.

It's goals and stuff.

- These are your goals?

These are restaurant specials.

- I've never had the peking duck.

- So your goal is just to eat things

You've never eaten before.

- Not entirely.

- "enlarged prostate."

- See?

That's something that I want to avoid,

Not something I wish to eat.

- I see.

- What? What are you--

- Well, ray, come on, you're a writer.

Don't you want to do something like,

I don't know, write the great american novel or...

- I thought about that,

And then I thought,

I don't even want to read the great american novel.

- Well, I mean, there's got to be something else

You want to do besides...

"never throw up again."

- No.

That's it, see?

That's it.

I got nothing.

I got no dreams.

- Oh, ray, everybody has dreams.

- Yeah, what do you have?

What's on your list?

- Me? - Yeah.

- [scoffs]

Well, I just thought that, you know,

After the kids grow up,

It might be nice if, I don't know,

We moved upstate

And opened a little bed-and-breakfast somewhere.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Bed-and-breakfast?

Coming in and out of our house all the time?

- Yes, ray, strangers.

I'd like to try strangers for a change.

- I don't know.

This is all happening too fast.

- We don't have to do it today, ray.

I'm just trying to get you thinking.

- Yeah, I'm thinking I'd better come up with something

Before I end up with your bed-and-breakfast,

Tucking in a gay couple from cleveland.

- All right, all right.

You know what?

Maybe the reason that you can't

Come up with any goals for yourself

Is that, in your own ray way,

You're actually content.

- Where are you picking up that vibe?

You have a great job, a wonderful family,

A loving wife who weighs nowhere near 140--

- Yeah, so what are you saying?

So, I think maybe you've already accomplished

More than you've ever dreamed of.

- You really think so?

- I do.

Maybe you're one of the lucky people

Who's actually living his dream.

- Hmm. - Hmm?

- Wow.

- Yeah, see?

You feel better?

- Yeah.

- What?

What, ray?

- I'm just--I'm thinking.

If what you said is true,

And I've already done everything,

Then I guess

This is all there is.

- Hey.

Ah, good morning, raymond.

Want some eggs?

- No. No, thanks.

Listen, I want to ask you guys something.

Do you remember me having a dream?

- I remember you wetting the bed.

I mean, like, what did I want to be?

- Dry.

- Morning.

- How many eggs, robbie?

- Uh, three,

And today I'd like them raw, in a glass.

- What?

- I'm in training.

Gonna be running the new york marathon this year.

- Come on, you really gonna do that?

- That's right.

- Marathon, huh?

- Put me down for a buck a mile.

- You don't pledge for this one, dad.

- I'm not pledging.

I'm betting.

I say you're crying like a little girl by mile two.

Hey, ray, you want some of this action?

- Hey, look. At least he's got a dream, right?

- Are you making fun, too?

- No, I'm actually jealous.

You have a dream.

I got nothing.

- Nothing.

You got nothing.

- What?

- House.

Wife.

Little daughter.

Twin boys.

That's nothing to you?

That was my dream!

Hello!

So why don't you just go take your little midlife

"I'm shrinking, I'm dying,

I don't have any dreams,"

And go right back across the street to paradise.

- Look,

You don't understand.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't understand.

Just go, okay, because I'm gonna tell you something.

I have--

Ow.

- Are you all right, robbie?

- Yeah, fine, ma.

I'm fine.

Raymond.

- What? What do you--

- Okay, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

Ow, ow, ow.

Guess I'm just gonna have to

Scratch dream number two off my list.

Go ahead and cook those eggs, ma.

- I should've put my money on warm-up.

- Raymond, why didn't you tell us

You were having a midlife crisis?

- The announcements are still being printed, ma.

- Here, sit down.

Have some eggs.

- You know what I always wanted to do, ray?

Sing like tony bennett.

- Tony bennett?

- That's right.

But look at me.

Am I tony bennett?

- No.

- You see, you do a thing, and that's what you are.

One guy lives in brooklyn.

One guy lives in sutton place.

Another guy's a lawyer.

One guy's a doctor.

Another guy dies.

Another guy gets well.

People are born--

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Don't worry so much.

You die, you did what you did.

- Frank, stop saying "die."

It's obvious raymond's afraid of dying.

- Well, what am I supposed to tell him,

That it's not gonna happen?

It's gonna happen.

You're gonna die.

- Thank you, dad.

- There you go.

- Raymond, you know we're all afraid of death,

But the important thing is to be ready, see?

Your father and I have all we need right in here.

We have our will

And our insurance

And a deed to our burial plot.

- Where's the permit to the neighbors' parade?

- Frank.

Frank, what is this?

- What?

- Our joint burial plot--

It only mentions one.

Where's the other plot?

- What? Who cares?

I sold it.

- You sold half of our joint burial plot?

- The people next to us had an unexpected death.

They were very upset.

I got twice what I paid for it.

- It wasn't yours to sell!

- I sold my half of the plot.

- How do you know it wasn't my half, frank?

I always sleep on the left.

- And when were you going to tell me about this?

- I wasn't.

I figured if you went first, you couldn't yell at me,

And if I went first, yell all you want.

- You have always wanted to leave me, haven't you?

- Till death do us part, marie.

After that, you're on your own.

- Why don't you fulfill one of my dreams

And leave me alone now?

- Holy crap, we found something we have in common!

- How bad can death be?

Hey, corn flake.

- Hi.

- Hey, guys.

- You're in a good mood, huh?

- Yeah, I did a lot of productive thinking today.

- Yeah?

- Gonna get cremated.

- What?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I think it just makes sense, you know?

More sense than burial.

I'm not all that gung ho about decomposing.

- How did you get onto this?

- Look, it pays to think about these things.

Oh, hey, don't be like that, either.

I don't want a big, sad funeral, you know?

Make it like a celebration, you know?

People telling stories,

Funny anecdotes about me, you know?

Like a roast.

- What is wrong with you?

- Good news.

[laughs]

I found a cemetery that can fit us all in.

- Uh, misery, your company's here.

- Look.

It's beautiful.

But it may be a little tight.

See, one of us has to be vertical.

- I don't know, ma.

I'm thinking of going cremation.

- Ohh!

You want to go off on your own too?

This family is falling apart.

- This does look nice, though.

- See?

Debra, would you mind being the vertical one?

- Why debra, ma?

- Well, it can't be your brother.

His head would stick out of the ground.

- Hey.

How about a wood chipper?

Then we can all fit into one big trash bag.

- That's morbid, dear.

- Yes.

- Deb, you should look at this.

This is pretty good.

Deb.

Deb!

You're gonna die, you know!

- Deb, look, I know you're not excited

About spending eternity with my parents,

But, you know, it's not going to be like now

When all they have to do is cross the street.

I mean, they're gonna have to bust out of their coffins,

And you know, they tunnel through the dirt

With, you know--

[growls]

Just to get to our coffin,

And then the, you know, banging,

And we could pretend we're not even there.

- Shut up, shut up!

Would you stop it?

Stop talking about coffins.

- So you want to do cremation with me?

- Ray, you're supposed to be having a midlife crisis,

Not an end-of-life crisis.

- Hey, look, don't tell me

How to have a midlife crisis, okay?

What would you know about it?

- Because I've already had mine!

- Really?

- Yes, a while ago.

- Oh, was that the perm?

- No.

- 'cause that didn't look good.

- It was two years ago.

- Well, you never acted like you were having a midlife crisis.

- Ray, look at me.

I am rubbing cream on my hands.

Do you know why I'm rubbing cream on my hands?

- Because it's hand cream?

- No, because my skin

Isn't as soft and smooth as it used to be.

Have you noticed?

- Well, I didn't want to say anything--

- Shut up, ray.

That is why every night, I take this cream

And desperately try to turn back the clock,

And even though I know this is a losing battle,

I still do it anyway.

That is how you have a proper midlife crisis.

You do not start planning your death.

You go into denial

Like a normal person!

Give me your shoes.

- What?

- Give me your shoes.

- All right, but I think my shoes are soft enough.

- Give them to me.

When you started going all nuts

About the height thing,

I bought these as a joke,

But now I think they're actually gonna help.

So stick these on.

- Oh, come on.

These aren't going to do anything.

- You want to be 6 feet tall?

Put them on.

- I'm not wearing lifts.

- They're not lifts.

They're extra-thick odor eaters.

Two birds with one stone.

- Look, this doesn't really mean I'm 6 feet tall.

- Hey, this cream doesn't mean my hands are any softer

Than they used to be.

- I don't know.

I'm talking about death here, okay?

You really think some cheap insoles

Are gonna change my whole outlook on--

Hey, these are kind of bouncy.

- Oh, yeah?

A little spring in your step there, young man?

- Mm, yeah, but who am I really fooling here?

- Hey, you only got to fool one person,

And if I recall, that person once asked me

If jell-o was a fruit.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Listen,

You do whatever you need to do.

As for me, I am going to put these tea bags

On my puffy eyes

And dream about my bed-and-breakfast

By the lake.

Ah, good night.

- Hey, can you put these in sneakers?

- [sighs]

Put them anywhere you want.

- [humming]

Ha-hah!

Feeling tall and smelling good.

- Idiot.

- Frank, you want your ice cream or not?

- He's not here, ma.

- Where'd he go?

- I don't know.

He said ray got him thinking.

- Ray got him thinking?

- Yeah, you believe that?

- About what?

[piano lounge music]

- [singing] I left my heart

In san francisco

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.

[singing] high on a hill

It calls to me