Original subtitles

- Hey.

- Hey, robert. - Hey.

- There's nobody home.

- I wonder what that's like.

- How was your class today, dear?

Did the children listen to you?

- I teach traffic school, ma.

- Since when?

- Since today.

Lots of cops do it, you know.

A chance to earn a little spending money.

- How about spending a little on rent?

- There may not be any money.

Got my first student evaluations today.

- Oh, yeah?

What did they say, dear?

- Oh, you want to know what they say?

- Yeah.

- Okay, ma, here's what they say.

"this class is a sure cure for insomnia."

- [chuckling]

- "next time just please take away my license."

- [laughing]

- Eh, no, no, that's just a couple of people.

Who cares what they say?

- "after ten minutes,

"I wanted to take the officer's gun

And end my misery."

- I stink.

- Come on, robert, it was your first time teaching.

- Yeah?

Well, the supervisor said it may be my last.

He's sitting in on my class tomorrow.

- Oh, well, now, that's not fair

You probably just need a little practice.

- Well, it's really not the type of thing you can practice.

You know, it's all about relating to people.

- You're a dead man.

- Honey, listen.

You can practice on me, dear.

Come on.

Give one of your routines.

- What?

- One of your traffic things.

Come on. Come on.

Let's just say I'm a crazy driver--

Shut up, frank--

And I get caught.

Now I got to go to robbie's traffic school.

- It's not called robbie's traffic school, ma!

- It doesn't matter.

It just doesn't matter.

All right, let's pretend I'm a person--

Shut up frank.

- Hey, you know what would help me?

- What?

- If I could practice on all of ya.

- What? - Yeah. Yeah.

We got enough for a class right here.

- No, you don't.

Good night.

- No. No. Stop!

- Let me walk you home, dad.

It's dark out.

- Ray. - What?

- Come on. Robert, you know what?

You want to run some things by me,

I'll be happy to help you.

- Yeah, and I'll help you, too dear.

And frank will too.

- I don't believe frank will.

- You could learn a few things.

- There's nothing wrong with the way I drive.

- What about that squirrel you ran over?

- He doubled back.

That squirrel wanted to die.

- Oh, please.

- What about our mailbox, frank?

Did it want to die?

- Don't you have an outstanding moving violation, dad?

- I wouldn't say outstanding.

It was pretty good, though.

[chuckling]

- Well, if you let me practice my class on you,

It'll take the ticket off your record

And your insurance won't go up.

- Wait a minute.

You can do that?

Well, then why don't you just sign the thing that says I went?

- I didn't hear that, dad.

- All right, you didn't hear that.

Maybe you'd like to hear it

From some of our finest presidents.

- Dad!

- All right.

If I have to stay, so does ray.

He's got that traffic ticket

He doesn't want to tell debra about.

- Dad.

- What ticket?

- Oh, what is happening?

Traffic school?

How long is this gonna be?

- Well, if we don't take any breaks,

I can do a condensed version in three hours.

[all groaning] - what?

- Sweet crap.

How long is regular traffic school?

- Eight hours.

And you're gonna have to go to that

If you don't come to me.

That's right.

I got all the papers you need

Right in here.

I'll go set up.

You have two minutes before we begin.

I suggest you all visit the lavatories.

- Okay.

"begin with introductions."

[clears throat]

Hello.

I am sergeant robert charles barone.

16 years, nypd.

And you are?

- Hated by god.

I-I'm not doin' this.

[snapping fingers]

Ray. Okay?

My name is ray.

[speaking french] je m'appelle ray.

- Hi, ray.

- Debra. - Good.

- Hi, I'm marie.

- I'm frank. Sign my thing.

- Now I would like to direct your attention to the board.

You will see "speed limits,"

"pedestrians,"

"signs and signals of the highway."

- Things that are boring!

- "urban versus rural driving."

- Things I don't care about!

- "insurance."

- Terribly boring things!

- That's enough, raymond!

That's enough.

Now, I would like each of you to tell us

What offense led you to being here today.

Let's start with...

Raymond.

- I killed my brother.

- Traffic offense.

- Oh. Oh.

Could you go lie down in the driveway for a minute?

- It says right here in the binder

That each student must tell the offense they committed.

- Yeah, come on.

Let's hear about your little offense.

Hmm? - What? It was nothing.

I ran over one of those orange cones, that's all.

- Tell her why.

- I don't remember, dad.

- I remember.

I was there.

It had something to do with a halter top.

- Okay!

- Halted you pretty good.

- Dad...

You know how these things happen.

- [scoffs]

- You see somebody, and you think they're naked.

And...

Then you look, and they're just--

They're wearing a beige top, and the next thing you know,

You've run over a couple cones.

- Reckless driving.

- So you just ride around lookin' for naked?

- Well, if it won't come to me...

- Yeah.

- Look, okay, can we get back to the course, please?

Who can answer this question?

"at 55 miles an hour,

"you will travel over 800 feet in 10 to 12 seconds.

"so will an oncoming truck.

To pass safely, how many feet will you need?"

Dad.

- Sign my thing.

- Come on!

What are ya doin'?

- Robert, that question is really complicated.

Is that something they would ask?

- It's in the binder.

- Well, you know what?

Maybe we don't have to do this class

Exactly like it is in the binder.

- What do you mean?

The binder's not just a guide, debra.

The binder is...

Binding.

- Shut up, frank.

- What?

- Yeah, yeah.

You were about to do a bathroom joke.

- A bathroom joke?

- Yeah, about binding.

- All right, look, let's focus, people.

- [chuckling] rice.

[laughter]

- Lookit, please,

Can we-- - cheese.

- That's enough!

H-h-how about some questions--

- Bananas!

[laughter]

- Things that are binding.

- Would you please?

These are safety issues.

And let's remember something:

Driving is a privilege,

Not a right.

- [clears throat]

Yams. I'm sorry. [giggling]

I'm sorry, robert.

- Don't apologize. That was good.

Yams!

[laughter]

- Sorry.

- That explains last thanksgiving.

[cackling]

- You're not helping, ma.

- Oh, we're just having a little fun.

- But we're not here to have fun.

- Well, then, you're the man for the job.

[shrieking and laughing]

- Maybe I'm not.

- Oh, oh, come on. - Oh, come on, rob.

- Come on, robert.

I'm just saying, if we have to do this,

Why has it got to be torture?

- Oh, I see.

I'm sorry this is torture.

I guess the student evaluations

Were correct.

- Oh, come on. - Oh.

- Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm just trying to give you some advice.

- And what is that advice, raymond?

- I don't know.

Lighten up.

- Oh, lighten up.

Thank you very much.

- Hey.

You didn't sign my thing.

- What did you do?

- What, he left.

- It breaks my heart the way you treat your brother.

- Me?

You were all laughing at him.

- I was not laughing.

- You weren't laughing?

Rice.

- [laughs]

That was funny.

- All right, you know, I think we were all

A little bit insensitive.

- Well, robert's got no sense of humor about himself.

- Oh, that's right.

You got to be able to laugh at yourself.

Look at me.

I laugh at your mother all the time.

- I'm not you, frank.

- I know, but I'm married to you,

So the joke's on me.

- Look, robert's feeling pretty bad.

I mean, I think we need to apologize

And make it up to him.

Go ahead, ray.

- What? No.

- Yes.

Go speak to your brother.

- No.

- Oh, robbie, I'm so glad you're back.

And raymond's sorry for what he said.

- No, no.

Raymond was right.

This doesn't have to be torture.

I just got to learn to...

Lighten up.

And to that end,

I'd like to introduce you to...

Traffic cop timmy!

- Oh.

- Oh, my god. - Yeah.

Timmy's gonna help teach us the rest of the class tonight.

Isn't that right, timmy?

- 10-4, sarge.

- Look, robert...

What I said about lightening up here--

This might be too light, you know.

- No, no. It's okay, raymond.

You know, my partner judy uses timmy

To teach the kids about safety,

- Yeah, and judy has warmer hands.

- Oh, sorry, timmy.

[chuckles]

- Oh, robbie, you're very good.

- Hey, make his eyes move again.

How do you do that?

- I'm not doing anything.

- Hey, frank, why don't ya park it over there?

And I mean legally.

[laughter]

- All right.

Now we got a show.

- Can you believe this?

- Look at his little shoes.

[giggling]

- All right, now, timmy,

Tell everybody what we'll be learning next.

- Wait, wait, wait a minute, robert.

Come on, you're really gonna do this?

- Hey, ray, this was your idea.

- Did anybody hear me say "puppet"?

- Aw, that's quite enough out of you.

Now why don't you sit down...

Big nose?

- What?

- [laughs]

He called you big nose.

- Come on, come on. We're being supportive.

- Look how cute he is.

- All right, timmy, now let's behave ourself.

We're here to teach traffic school.

- Oh, yeah, right. Okay.

Uh, let's see.

Who can answer this?

When you're behind another vehicle,

What is the proper following distance?

Frank?

- Uh, well, if the guy's goin' really slow,

I like to be right on his butt...

So if he looks back, he can read my lips.

It is one car length per ten miles of speed.

- [chuckles]

Yeah, remind me to never drive with you,

You crazy old bastard.

- How's that?

- [clears throat] all right.

Now, let's move on, timmy.

Don't you have a question for ma?

- Sure.

Marie, is it? - Yes.

- Hi, marie. Okay.

Now, when you get into the car,

What are you supposed to do before you begin driving?

- Oh, I know that.

You buckle your seat belt.

- Good.

- And--and you check your mirrors.

- Correct.

- You look to the left. You look to the right.

You look behind you.

- Very good.

Anything else?

- No, I think that's it.

- Oh, that's it. - Uh-huh.

- She thinks that's it.

- Isn't-- isn't that everything, timmy?

- Oh, yeah, sure, that's everything,

But how about making sure

Your firstborn child is in the car

Before you pull out of a gas station

In new mexico?

- Wow, that's awfully specific, yeah.

Is that in the binder?

- Robbie, that was 30 years ago.

- I don't have a problem with it.

- Uh-oh.

- Yeah, remember that?

Big road trip, fun family vacation.

Driving out to see the grand canyon.

Frank stops to get some gas,

And you all drive off

While robert's still in the men's room.

- How do you know?

You weren't there.

- Oh, we got a real battle of wits goin' on here.

- We thought you were sleeping in the back.

It was only an hour driving.

And then we noticed.

And we turned right around.

- Oh, only two hours.

Excellent mothering.

- I remember that.

We missed the tribal dances.

Hey, you would've liked that, ray.

I hear those ladies don't wear very much.

- Aw, poor raymond missed the tribal dances.

Raymond, raymond, raymond.

Meanwhile, back at the rest stop,

A couple of truckers want to braid robert's hair.

- We happen to be very good parents, timmy!

- Aw, yeah, great family, right?

Long as everybody's eatin', everybody's happy, right, mama?

Just ask your husband, burp 'n' slurp.

- Hey!

How come you haven't said anything about debra yet?

- I don't have a problem with debra.

You're all right, cookie.

Ah, cha-cha-cha.

- I think traffic school's over now.

- Me too; I'm gettin' tired of timmy's mouth.

- Aw, sit down, shiny.

- You want to start with me?

- Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.

Dad, puppet.

- Yeah, right.

If it was raymond's traffic school,

Everybody would be sitting here without a peep.

But the minute this poor slob...

Needs something...

Everybody's too busy.

Everybody makes with the jokes.

Nobody cares.

Come on, flatfoot.

Let's get the hell out of here.

- Timmy's mean.

- Robert.

[gasps]

Damn it.

Robert.

What have you done with robert?

Robert!

[knocking]

- I'm not signing your thing, dad.

- Hey.

- Oh.

Hey.

I'm not signing your thing either.

- That's all right.

Listen...

I'm sorry about the...

You know, tellin' you to lighten up and everything.

- It's all right.

Gave it a shot.

- Yeah.

Yeah, it went well.

Boy, that timmy's got a lot of issues, though, huh?

- You know, timmy's just a puppet.

- Yeah, I know.

It's good to hear you say it.

- Made a real ass out of myself, didn't I?

- Eh.

You know what people like?

Balloon animals.

- My whole life, every time I felt bad for myself,

Mom would say, "the family will help you.

We'll make you feel better."

I'd fall for it every time.

- Yeah, well, mom and dad...

You know, this parenting stuff...

It's just not their field.

You know.

- They did all right by you.

You're the golden boy.

- Oh, will you stop that already, okay?

They messed me up just as much as you, pal.

- Oh, yeah. You're as messed up as me.

- Yeah, probably more so.

- You're insultin' me now?

- You don't own messed up.

You were neglected. Try being smothered.

- I used to pray for smothered.

- Oh, you want smothered?

How about in school when mom became cafeteria monitor

To make sure I ate all my food

And kept my sweater on

And sat with her?

- That was bad.

- Yeah. All right?

- Hey, hey, how about the time

You started walking to school, right?

And mom would follow you the whole way.

- She did? - Yeah.

Yeah, she'd hide from tree to tree.

- Heh.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my--that's the crazy tree lady from the dreams.

- Nightmares, huh?

- Yeah!

- How long did you have 'em?

- I just had one four days ago.

- That is pretty messed up.

- Yeah, it is.

Hey, so the jumpin' canoe guy is...

- Dad.

- Oh, my god.

- [chuckles]

Thanks for comin' over, raymond.

You really did make me feel better.

- Yeah.

Man, they were worse than I thought.

I should talk to them.

- Want to borrow the dummy?

- [yells]

- Not so funny without his head, is he?

- What did you do, dad?

I need that.

- [screams]

- [maniacal laughter]