Original subtitles

- Hi.

- Hi, marie.

- [sniffing] ooh, what--

Oh, another dinner get away from you, dear?

- It's burnt popcorn, marie.

- Oh, popcorn for dinner. How fun.

- No, it wasn't for dinner, and I didn't--

- Amy! Oh! - Marie! Oh!

- Oh, honey! - Hi!

Look, look, I'm wearing the pin.

- Oh, it looks great on you, honey.

- Thanks, and thank you so much for lunch yesterday.

Marie is such a life saver.

- Oh, stop it. A life saver?

- You brought me lunch at work.

- Oh, honey, it was nothing.

- "it was nothing." you made your own mustard.

- Well, you deserve it.

- Will you look at my gals?

I call them the two musketeers.

- That's stupid.

- Okay, you know, honey,

Would you like to come and have a cup of coffee?

- Oh, great.

Deb, you want to go get some coffee?

- Uh, no, I can't. I have to--

- She has to take care of that smell.

- Right this way, my ladies.

Both: Oh, thank you.

[all laughing]

- What the hell was that?

- All right.

Ma wants to get the kitchen in good shape.

She's letting amy cook dinner here Friday night.

You and debra are cordially invited.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Mom's letting amy use her kitchen?

- That's right.

I don't have to tell you what a big deal this is, do I?

'cause it's huge.

- It's not huge, robert.

- Mom has never let anybody cook in her kitchen.

Nobody.

- Oh, what's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.

It's just I'm excited for amy.

And this is the first-year anniversary of us going out.

- You know, debra has cooked here, my friend.

- Mm, no, she has not.

- She has too.

- No, sir. - She has too, you freak.

- You're the freak! Dad? Dad?

- Ow!

- Has ma ever let debra cook in her kitchen?

- I'm not getting involved in your stupid argument.

Your mother likes amy better than debra.

End of story.

Hold that up.

- Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.

What? Who told you that?

- Your mother!

Don't go blabbing that. She said it was a secret.

- Well, what does she mean she likes her more?

- Oh, they're very close. You know, they talk every day.

- Every day? What about yesterday?

- Was yesterday a day?

Every day

For hours.

- It's true.

Amy talks her out.

Marie sometimes goes days

Without having to say a word to me.

I love amy.

- Hey. - Hey.

Your dad okay?

- Yes.

Hey, did you know that amy's

Cooking a big dinner over there Friday?

- For their anniversary thing?

- Yeah. Yeah, amy's cooking.

In my mom's kitchen.

You've cooked over there before, right?

- What, are you kidding me?

Marie doesn't even like me cooking over here.

- Can we turn the tv off, please, huh?

Does the tv always have to be on?

- What's wrong with you?

- Nothing.

Can't we just talk?

- Okay, now you're scaring me.

- You don't wish that you could cook over there sometime, huh?

That wouldn't be fun?

- Um...

That might be the dumbest thing you've ever said.

Give me the remote.

- No, no, no. No tv.

- Ray, come on, what are you doing?

This is stupid! - It isn't stupid!

- You give me--I don't care what your mom does with amy, okay?

- No! No!

- Ray, I'm watching the tv!

- She likes amy more than you!

- What?

- Yeah, that's what she told my dad.

- She did?

- Yes, and then he told me and robert.

Oh, and don't go telling anybody, all right?

It's a secret.

- Okay, I won't.

Why do you care?

- I don't care.

Robert's the one who was acting all cocky.

"amy's cooking. Ah."

- What, is this, like, some kind of competition between you two?

- No! What--

- Oh, my god. It is!

Oh, you can't stand it that your mommy

Likes robbie's girl better than your girl.

- I'm a little insulted by that.

- You're insulted?

I'm just this thing in your stupid sibling rivalry.

- There is no rivalry. - Oh, no?

Robbie's got the better girl, ray.

We're behind. What are we gonna do?

- Where you going?

- Well, I've got a lot of work to do.

There's the evening gown competition.

There's swimsuit competition.

Oh, my god, talent competition.

What should I do, twirl or sing?

I know! I'll do both.

[singing] one, singular sensation

Every little step she takes

One

Thrilling combination

Every move that she makes

Idiot.

- Nice. Very nice.

Nice attitude.

Forget about miss congeniality, that's for sure.

I'm not an idiot.

- Hi, raymond.

Listen, on Friday, amy's gonna cook--

- Yeah, yeah, I know.

Robert just told me.

- Oh, good. So you'll be there?

Oh, robbie is so excited.

- Yeah, that's nice for him. Listen, ma...

- What? - I want to ask you something.

Sit down.

- All right.

- Why do you like amy more than debra?

- What?

- Yeah, dad told me. Dad told me that you liked--

- He's lying.

- Did you say that you like amy more than debra?

- I am not

Saying that.

- What?

- I am not saying that I like amy more than debra.

- I know. I know you're not saying it now.

But did you say it ever?

What if I told you that we have a tape

Of you saying it, ma?

- Give me the tape.

- Yeah. There is no tape.

- Well, then you don't have any proof at all.

- Wait. Wait, mom. Why? Why did you tell dad that?

- It was supposed to be a secret.

I'm never gonna talk to that man again.

- Why don't you like debra?

- Honey, I love debra.

No, it's just that amy and I get along so well.

She's a very nice girl, you know?

- Well, so is debra. Debra's nice.

- No, I don't mean nice like that.

- Well, what?

- I mean, amy is a very nice and very good--

She's a very good girl.

- So is debra.

- No. Good pure.

- Pure?

Whoa, wait.

Wait! What?

Pure as in amy has never--

- Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh--

I was supposed to keep that a secret.

- What? Amy is a good girl?

But she's 33 years old, ma. She can't be.

- She can't?

- I mean, yeah, she can, but how?

It's so...

- Refreshing?

- Wow, I don't believe it.

So amy's never let anybody cook in her kitchen either.

- I don't like that, raymond.

- Well, wait a minute.

Why is amy's goodness such a big deal?

- Because it tells me about her character,

The kind of person she is.

See, I think robert is very lucky

To find a girl like that.

- How do you know that I wasn't lucky too?

- What are you saying?

- How do you know that debra wasn't,

You know, when we got married?

- You mean debra was a good girl?

- Listen, my mom was just here, and we were talking,

And it hit me.

I was, I was being competitive

About amy and robert and my mom, and

I'm sorry,

Really sorry.

I mean, you know, who cares what your mom thinks?

- You're right.

You are. You're right.

In fact, you should hear the reason

Why she likes amy more than you.

Oh. [laughs]

Oh, man. She's nuts, that lady.

- Why? What? What did she say?

- Well, first of all,

Did you know that amy has never--

[clicking tongue]

Huh? She's saving up for later.

- That's supposed to be a secret.

Who told you that? - My mom.

- She did? - Yeah, can you believe it?

That's it! That's her whole reason.

- Because amy's a-- - good girl. Good girl.

That's what she's calling her, a good girl.

- Oh, my god.

- It's so shallow.

- What can I do?

I can't exactly compete with amy in that department.

You know, you can't un-ring a bell.

[both laughing]

Oh. - Nope.

You know what I did?

I told my mother that you were a good girl too.

[laughs]

[both laugh]

- Well, how does she think we got the kids?

- I meant before. You know, before we got married.

[laughs]

[laughs]

- You can stop laughing now, ray.

- I don't want to.

- Hi. - What, you get lost?

I'm starving here!

- The babysitter just got there.

- Yeah, yeah. Let's get going.

Appetizers, marie

- Welcome to la cucina dell' amy.

May I take your coats?

- I got it, robert.

- Hi, raymond. - Hi.

- Oh, debra.

Oh.

I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, come on. Come on. Come on.

I need your opinion on this sauce.

- Really? - Yes, of course.

- Mmm. Yeah, tastes good.

- Good.

- What's your secret?

Extra-virgin olive oil?

You boys take the appetizers and get out of here now.

And let us finish in here.

- Okay. All right.

Come on, debra. Let's go.

I want debra to stay and help me with the salad.

- Love your haircut, deb. - Oh, thanks.

- Oh, yeah, it's very good.

- Oh, well, you know me, good hair for a good girl.

[chuckles]

Yeah, want to look good, want to be good.

Good, good, good.

- Okay, let's get going.

Let's let amy and mom finish up here.

- No, no, no. Let--

- No, no, it's amy's dinner, you know,

And we wouldn't want to ruin it.

- Are you happy now? - No.

- Why? Your mom likes me.

- I'm sorry.

- Hey, ray, try one of these garlic rounds.

Amy made them.

- Okay, dinner will be ready in just a few minutes.

- Thank god!

- Isn't this fun? [giggling]

You and I should make a big meal

For the family together.

How long has it been?

- Oh, gosh, pretty long.

Let's see, uh, never.

- No! [laughs]

No.

Never? - No.

- Oh, we'll just have to do it.

- Oh, that's okay.

- No, we'll have lots of fun.

- That's okay, marie. - Oh, you know what?

You can make your lemon chicken.

- All right, stop it, ma, huh? Just stop it.

- What?

- Stop being nice to debra.

- Ugh.

Don't bother, ray. - No, this is crazy.

She can't keep treating you like this.

- I shouldn't be nice?

- You're being nice for the wrong reasons!

You know she can't cook.

And what I said about debra?

I lied, okay? I lied!

- What do you mean?

- Debra wasn't a good girl when we got married.

- Oh! - Huh?

- What do you mean, a good girl?

- Go ahead, ray. Tell him.

- Oh, you weren't a good girl.

[laughs] got ya.

So who cares about the cooking?

- Why would you lie to me, raymond?

- Because of you. You.

You care so much about who's a good girl and who's not.

You started this whole competition

Between debra and amy.

- Here we go.

What competition?

- [clears throat] don't worry. You win.

- And if I'm following this right, you lose.

- What are you guys talking about?

- You weren't supposed to say anything.

- That's why you like amy better,

'cause she hasn't been around the block?

Why didn't you tell me that?

- It was a secret, frank!

- Yes.

It was a secret.

- Amy, what did you tell marie that for?

- I didn't tell marie. - Well, I didn't tell her.

- Robert?

- I'm sorry.

I haven't been paying attention.

- All right, let me fill you in.

We just found out that you told ma--

- Okay, raymond. I'm up to speed.

- How come you told your mother about amy?

You didn't tell me. - You didn't ask.

- You asked?

- I care about people.

- Marie, why would you ask that about me?

- Uh, you know, I can explain it.

Run.

Just run, and keep running.

- Robert, why would you tell your mother that?

- So she'd like you better.

- You're worse.

You lied so she'd like me better.

- A lie of love.

- Oh, god, I keep forgetting

What a freak show this family is

Until somebody new comes in and looks at us like that.

I remember that look.

That used to be me.

And now I'm one of them.

- I take exception to that, debra.

- Well, I take exception to what you think, marie.

You think just because you were a good girl

In the '50s, that gives you the right--

- Good girl? Ha!

- Oh, frank, no!

- Oh, god.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Is that true, marie?

- [stammering]

- Go ahead, marie.

I won't tell anyone.

- Okay! Yes!

Frank and I succumbed to temptation once,

Just once before we were married.

I was weak,

And I fell for your father's boyish good looks.

That was a long time ago.

I knew it.

I knew we shouldn't do what we did,

But we were in love, right, frank?

- I wanted sex.

It was a long time ago.

- So it was just the once, and then you got married?

- It was just the once, and then we had to get married!

- Frank, no!

- Oh, whoa. Had to get married?

Wait. Wait a minute.

So robert's--

- What?

Oh.

- All right. It's true.

We got married

After I found out I was pregnant.

And then robbie came along seven months later.

- Our plan was to tell people he was two months premature.

Then he was born.

Try passing off a 12-pound baby as premature.

- Try passing it, period.

- All right. Wait a minute.

Wait, it's nine months, right?

You were married in September, and my birthday's in June.

- That's when we told you your birthday was.

- What?

- It was--

It was easier that way, robbie.

- Oh, well, as long as it was easy!

Well, there you go, raymond.

You were conceived legitimately.

You win again.

- Come on, robert, what? There's no winning.

- Well, I guess I should know.

When is my real birthday?

- April 6th.

- That's today.

- Surprise.

[singing quietly] happy birthday to you

All: Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear robert

Happy birthday to you

- Happy birthday. - Happy birthday, honey.

- Happy birthday.

- [singing] how old am I now?