Original subtitles

- Hello?

Anybody home?

- Oh. [muttering]

- Raymond?

Hello?

[clattering]

- Hey.

- Raymond, what are you doing?

- I'm--I'm playing

Hide-and-seek with the kids here.

- Oh, hide-and-seek. Move over.

[laughs]

What's this?

- Oh, that's the invitation

To tom and marianne's baby shower this weekend.

Why is it addressed to both of us?

- 'cause you're invited too. It's for couples.

- Well, since when does the guy have to go to that?

Oh, come on.

They're screwing with nature now.

- Well, you know, it's their first baby.

They're still excited.

We hope each of our guests will make a presentation."

- What?

- "you can recite a poem, do a skit.

The proud parents will tape it as a tribute for the child."

- Tribute?

Oh, who's she's got in there, gandhi?

- I can't go by myself.

You got to come with me.

- [groans]

- Debra, I got the twins down,

And I made your bed, and I hung up some clothes.

I tell you so you won't be shocked later.

[men shouting]

- What is that?

- Huzzah! Huzzah!

- It's my dad and his crazy friend harry,

And they're running at our house.

- Marie, water.

- What are you doing, dad?

- Attacking your house.

- Harry got your father back into the civil war reenacting.

- Damn glad I did.

I'm proud to lead this beautiful bastard

Into battle.

- So you're one of those guys

Who, like, gets dressed up in uniforms

And recreates battles and...

- I like war.

- Your father's a lieutenant.

- It's make-believe, ma.

He could be lincoln if he wanted to.

- Ah, miss marie.

- Hello, harry.

- Please, ma'am, call me jeb.

- Oh, well.

Hello, jeb.

- You are a sight for sore eyes.

- And mine are pretty sore.

- Dad, what are you getting back into this now for?

- Next weekend is our big 25th anniversary.

We're reenacting our reenactment

Of the battle of gettysburg.

Clink!

- Hey, ray, about next weekend, I was wondering--

- Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa. 4:00 already.

I got to call that guy. The darn guy. Darn it.

- What guy?

- The darn guy about the thing with the, uh--

The other guy.

Get in here.

- Good cover, ray. You're brilliant at this.

- My father's about to ask me to go to this war thing.

What am I gonna do?

- Well, you tell him you can't do it.

- I can't just turn him down. Look how excited he is.

No. No.

I got to tell him I'm going somewhere else.

- Well, you are going somewhere else.

You're going to the baby shower.

- Oh, god.

Hey, what if I tell him

I'm going to the baby shower, right?

He goes to his thing, you go to your thing,

And I make sure that things are good here.

- Hey, no.

- Uh, hey, ray, we're gonna get going,

But I wanted to ask you about next weekend.

- Yeah, next weekend I'm going to a baby shower.

- What?

- Yeah. It's for couples.

- Well, I was gonna ask you, since I'm gonna be at war,

If you wouldn't mind taking out my recyclables.

- That's what you wanted to ask me?

- Yeah.

Hey, you know what my son's doing while I'm out fighting?

He's going to a baby shower.

- Oh, yeah?

Back in civil war days,

We had names for guys like you.

They're pretty much like the names

We have for you today.

- All right. This house is secure.

I want lunch!

- May I escort you across the street, miss marie?

- Thank you, jeb. What a gentleman.

- Hey, if you're gonna act like you're stealing her away,

Don't tease me.

Steal her away!

Have a nice shower, nancy.

I was thinking about what we could do

For our presentation for the baby shower.

- Oh, I was thinking about that too.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Here's what I was thinking.

We could get up there right in front of everybody--

And then I put an ax through my head, all right?

Then you do the presentation by yourself

Because, thank god, I'm dead.

- You know, as much as I like that,

It's gonna be tough to follow.

- Please, don't make me go.

- Look, as bad as this shower might be,

It doesn't even compare to your dad's civil war thing.

Think about your poor brother.

- Yeah.

Why?

- 'cause he's going to it.

I mean, can you imagine being stuck in a tent

With your dad?

That's where you need the ax.

- Wait a minute. Robert's going to this thing?

- Yeah.

- My dad asked him to go?

- Uh, yeah. Your mom told me.

- What, robert's so great?

- No, I don't think that--

- And I get the recycling.

He doesn't even ask me.

I mean, my father should ask me, shouldn't he?

Why didn't he ask?

- Well, would you have gone?

- Of course not.

But why does he want robert to go and not me?

What's wrong with me?

- Ray, I didn't know that you'd be feeling so--

Wait a minute.

You're not acting all hurt

Just so I'll tell you you should go with your dad

So that you can get out of the baby shower, are you?

- I'm not that smart.

Hey.

- Hey. - Mm.

- Whoa, man.

It's pretty cold out there.

What is that, breakfast?

- An authentic civil war breakfast.

- Your mother makes a hell of a jerky.

- Yeah, you could swear this was made in 1863, huh?

- So you guys, you're really looking forward

To this reenactment thing, huh?

- Hey, can't wait.

Violence without paperwork.

- So I guess everybody who signed up,

What are they,

They're already signed up already?

- Yeah. Why?

- I don't know.

- What are you saying?

You want to go to the reenactment?

- You asking me?

- You want to go?

- I don't know. You asking me?

- If I ask you, would you go?

- Are you asking raymond?

- I don't know. Does he want to go?

- Why are you asking me?

- I don't-- do you want to go?

- All right, all right, I'll go!

Thank you for asking.

- All right, I got to go over to harry's

And tell him we need another uniform.

- Can't you call him?

- No.

In his world, the phone won't be invented

For another 13 years.

- What?

- You really want to do this, huh?

- Well, you're going.

- Do you have any idea what you're getting into?

- Well, yeah. Yeah.

- No bed,

No heat,

No shower.

Weather report for next weekend:

Snow.

- All right.

- Meals are hardtack, jerky,

And whatever water you can wring out of your socks.

- Oh, so you're this big civil war freak now

Just 'cause dad asked you to go first, right?

- He didn't ask me.

- What?

- He didn't ask me.

Since when does dad ask us to do anything with him?

I had to enlist.

- Oh, god, I don't believe this!

I only did this because--

- Because you thought he asked me and not you.

And now you have to go.

[cackles]

Hey, better bring a newspaper.

- They had newspapers then.

- They didn't have toilet paper.

- Debra. - Hmm?

- "newsday" or "usa today"...

Which is softer?

- I don't know.

- I'll bring 'em both.

I'll read one of 'em.

- What's all that stuff?

I got to go over to my father's house tomorrow and get ready.

- Oh, what are you bringing?

- Essentials. You know, stuff for war.

- Rice krispie treats?

I don't think they had those in the civil war.

- I never read that anywhere.

- Itty bitty book light?

- Yeah, all right. Take it easy, okay?

I got to get ready.

- What do you mean? It's a week away.

I thought you were dreading this thing.

- I am dreading it,

The war part.

- The war part. What else is there?

- Well, there's my father.

You know, it's the weirdest thing.

At first, I just wanted to get asked,

But, you know, we never did stuff together, me and him.

Now I just--I kind of want to go with him.

- Really? - Yeah.

War makes people do crazy things.

Hello?

- Hey, ray, we're down here in the basement.

- Yeah, come on down, ray.

Check your skirt at the door.

- Hey, did harry drop off my uniform?

- He's on his way over now.

I was just about to show robert

How to act when you get shot.

- What, like upset?

- No. No, it's got to be realistic.

Here. Here, let me show you.

Robert, make a gunshot noise.

- What caliber, .22 or-- what are you, .45?

- Ray. - Bang.

- [groans]

I'm hit.

Keep fighting, men.

Kill those rebel bastards.

Abigail.

Dear abigail,

My pretty, young,

Non-nagging civil war wife.

Oh, abigail.

See?

Getting shot is fun.

- Not if you're watching.

- Oh, here, I think I pulled everything I have.

Give me a hand.

- Come on. - There you go.

You all right, dad?

- Sure, sure. Thanks.

See?

That's what the civil war is about,

Families coming together...

- To kill other families.

- Amen.

- Hey, you know what just occurred to me?

If someone really dies,

You don't find out about it till the car ride home.

- Look at this.

Look at this old pocket knife.

It's got initials on it: A.B.

Who's a.B.?

- Albert barone, my father. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, yeah? He gave that to you?

- Yeah, yeah.

- It's pretty cool.

When? When did he give you this?

- Yeah, we were always camping, hiking, canoeing.

Guess he gave it to me on one of those trips.

- Oh, yeah? Hey, this is history.

I can take this on the reenactment with me.

- No, no.

They had no knives like this during the civil war.

Everything has to be completely authentic.

- Yeah. - See these pants?

No zipper.

- Good luck with that.

- Good morning, men.

- Morning, sir! - Morning, sir!

- Hi.

- You'll be pleased to know that the battlefield is ours.

The carnival and the petting zoo have moved on.

- Huzzah! - Huzzah!

- Here's your uniform.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This is a different color.

- You didn't tell him?

- Oh, yeah.

The south's short a few guys,

So you're gonna have to fight on their side.

- [cackles]

- South?

Come on, I don't want to fight on the south.

I want to be with you guys at this thing.

- A rebel in a union camp?

That is out of the question, soldier.

- I'm not a rebel!

Come on. I don't know those guys.

I'm gonna be all shy.

- Don't make me slap you.

- I'm never gonna pass for a southerner, okay?

What if they hear me talk?

- Maybe they'll hang you as a spy.

- Robert, want to give me a hand?

I have a cannon in the trunk of my car.

- Sir, yes, sir!

Robert, talk to this guy, will you?

Come on, I don't want to fight for the south.

I can't eat grits and say "y'all."

- I like you on the other side.

It's more authentic.

Brother against brother.

[whistling "the battle hymn of the republic"]

- Oh, my feet are killing me.

I think these boots are a size too small.

On the bottom of my right boot?

- "left."

- Oh, crap. What's it say on the other one?

- Guess.

- All right, help me off with them, will you?

- Hey, dad, are you sure

I can't be on your side at this thing?

- I told you, the south's a few guys short.

Look, try yanking from the heel, okay?

- You know, I kind of thought

I'd be on your side on this thing, you know,

With you.

- Look, I know what you're worried about.

If we should come face-to-face out there,

I'll just shoot you in the hand, all right?

Aah! You're twisting.

What's the matter with you?

- Look, either I'm on your side on this thing,

Or I'm not gonna go, okay?

- You can't desert now.

- There's no desert, dad.

There's no war here!

It's just dressing up in costumes

Like it's Halloween,

With your friend harry/jeb.

- You shut up now.

This means something to us.

There's camaraderie here.

There's spirit.

You don't understand anything about this.

You have no idea what it feels like

To stand on a battlefield

Pretending to fight for something you believe in.

- Look, I'm not talking about that, dad, okay?

- Then why do you want to go?

- Believe it or not, to be with you.

Why can't you do something with me for once?

- What are you talking about? We do stuff.

- What? What do we do, dad? What? What do we ever do?

- I can't believe you're giving me all this grief

Just because you're not on my side in this thing.

I'm sorry I asked you to go.

- You didn't ask me to go.

- Yes, I did. - No, you didn't.

- I said, "do you want to go?"

- Yeah, you said, "do you want to go?"

Not, "do you want to go because I want you to go?"

- Oh, my god.

You are gonna get passed around the campfire

Like a bag of chips.

- All right. Forget about it, then.

Forget it. I won't go.

All right.

You know, I just-- I thought maybe you--

We could do something together for once,

You know, like you did with your father.

- What are you talking about? - What do you mean?

What do you mean what am I talking about?

Didn't you just tell me he gave you the knife?

He took you hunting and fishing and canoeing.

Didn't you just tell me that, dad?

Or what, is that all pretend too?

It is. It is, isn't it?

- Are you gonna help me off with the damn boots or what?

- Turn. Turn the foot, dad.

Turn your foot.

- You know,

I tried to be better than him.

- I know, dad. I know.

- Look, you're good at that, aren't you,

Doing stuff with your kids?

- I'm all right.

I could be better too.

You know, but they'll probably be better with their kids,

So we're on the right track here.

Your great, great grandchildren

Will probably be excellent parents.

- Yeah.

So are you gonna come to this thing

With me or not?

- All right. Stop asking.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come here. Come here.

I got to teach you the civil war handshake.

- Dad. - Here, not like that.

You got to clasp forearms like this.

- Right. - It's stronger.

- Like this here?

- Yeah. - Okay.

You know, you're shaking hands with a confederate here.

- Yeah, you don't have much of a grip there, nancy.

[both laugh]

- Debra? Debra, you've got to see this.

Come on.

- We're just here to say farewell to our kinfolk.

- Ray, your ride's here.

[all chuckling]

- Listen, if I don't come back,

It's 'cause I died of embarrassment.

- [with a southern accent] well, I do declare,

You look so very fine in your uniform.

I believe I've got the vapors.

[chuckles]

- Where were you last night?

- Come on.

I don't want them to start without us.

- That's right.

All the good killing's in the first five minutes.

- Hey, kids, when I come back from the war,

We're gonna go to the happy zone, right?

- I hope you win, daddy.

- Don't bet on it, kid.

Ray, sign this card for the baby shower.

- Oh, sorry. Got to go.

What am I gonna tell tom and marianne?

- Frankly, my dear...

I don't give a damn.

[sweeping orchestral music]

- Idiots.

All: Huzzah!

[gunfire]

[all laugh]

- I can't believe you shot me, robert.

- [laughs]

- Stop talking. You're ruining it.

- I got to lie here all afternoon?

- It's got to be authentic.

- What authentic?

Stonewall jackson's wearing a beeper.

- His wife's pregnant.