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1
00:00:04,104 --> 00:00:06,672
- Hello?
2
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,407
Anybody home?
3
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:12,745
- Oh.
[muttering]
4
00:00:12,747 --> 00:00:14,246
- Raymond?
5
00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:20,285
Hello?
6
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:27,292
[clattering]
7
00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:38,437
- Hey.
8
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,472
- Raymond,
what are you doing?
9
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:41,807
- I'm--I'm playing
10
00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:44,410
Hide-and-seek
with the kids here.
11
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:47,146
- Oh, hide-and-seek.
Move over.
12
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,447
[laughs]
13
00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:58,457
What's this?
14
00:00:58,459 --> 00:00:59,792
- Oh, that's the invitation
15
00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:02,261
To tom and marianne's
baby shower this weekend.
16
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:05,064
Why is it addressed
to both of us?
17
00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:07,166
- 'cause you're invited too.
It's for couples.
18
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:12,104
- Well, since when does the guy
have to go to that?
19
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:13,105
Oh, come on.
20
00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:17,176
They're screwing
with nature now.
21
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:18,677
- Well, you know,
it's their first baby.
22
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:21,080
They're still excited.
23
00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:24,817
We hope each of our guests
will make a presentation."
24
00:01:24,819 --> 00:01:26,285
- What?
25
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:28,353
- "you can recite a poem,
do a skit.
26
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:33,492
The proud parents will tape it
as a tribute for the child."
27
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,127
- Tribute?
28
00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:38,130
Oh, who's she's got
in there, gandhi?
29
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:39,364
- I can't go by myself.
30
00:01:39,366 --> 00:01:40,165
You got to come with me.
31
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:41,366
- [groans]
32
00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:44,169
- Debra, I got the twins down,
33
00:01:44,171 --> 00:01:47,139
And I made your bed,
and I hung up some clothes.
34
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:49,508
I tell you so you
won't be shocked later.
35
00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:53,178
[men shouting]
36
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,379
- What is that?
37
00:01:54,381 --> 00:01:57,149
- Huzzah! Huzzah!
38
00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,618
- It's my dad
and his crazy friend harry,
39
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,687
And they're running
at our house.
40
00:02:05,158 --> 00:02:07,226
- Marie, water.
41
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:08,794
- What are you doing, dad?
42
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:12,397
- Attacking your house.
43
00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:14,900
- Harry got your father back
into the civil war reenacting.
44
00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:16,635
- Damn glad I did.
45
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,237
I'm proud to lead
this beautiful bastard
46
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,639
Into battle.
47
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,441
- So you're one of those guys
48
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,510
Who, like, gets dressed up
in uniforms
49
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:27,279
And recreates battles and...
50
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:30,682
- I like war.
51
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,584
- Your father's a lieutenant.
52
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:33,819
- It's make-believe, ma.
53
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:38,257
He could be lincoln
if he wanted to.
54
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:39,291
- Ah, miss marie.
55
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,226
- Hello, harry.
56
00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:42,327
- Please, ma'am,
call me jeb.
57
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,496
- Oh, well.
58
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,698
Hello, jeb.
59
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:49,201
- You are a sight
for sore eyes.
60
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:54,173
- And mine
are pretty sore.
61
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:55,908
- Dad, what are you getting back
into this now for?
62
00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:58,544
- Next weekend
is our big 25th anniversary.
63
00:02:58,546 --> 00:02:59,811
We're reenacting
our reenactment
64
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,647
Of the battle of gettysburg.
65
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,582
Clink!
66
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:06,285
- Hey, ray, about next weekend,
I was wondering--
67
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:09,188
- Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa.
4:00 already.
68
00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:11,423
I got to call that guy.
The darn guy. Darn it.
69
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:12,824
- What guy?
70
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,661
- The darn guy about the thing
with the, uh--
71
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:16,662
The other guy.
72
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:20,966
Get in here.
73
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:23,569
- Good cover, ray.
You're brilliant at this.
74
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:25,470
- My father's about to ask me
to go to this war thing.
75
00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:26,738
What am I gonna do?
76
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,874
- Well, you tell him
you can't do it.
77
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:33,312
- I can't just turn him down.
Look how excited he is.
78
00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:34,780
No.
No.
79
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,316
I got to tell him
I'm going somewhere else.
80
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,784
- Well, you are going
somewhere else.
81
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,419
You're going
to the baby shower.
82
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:44,356
- Oh, god.
83
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:46,391
Hey, what if I tell him
84
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,227
I'm going
to the baby shower, right?
85
00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:49,695
He goes to his thing,
you go to your thing,
86
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:54,299
And I make sure
that things are good here.
87
00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,835
- Hey, no.
88
00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:59,504
- Uh, hey, ray,
we're gonna get going,
89
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:02,975
But I wanted to ask you
about next weekend.
90
00:04:02,977 --> 00:04:06,411
- Yeah, next weekend
I'm going to a baby shower.
91
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,679
- What?
92
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:10,515
- Yeah.
It's for couples.
93
00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:14,353
- Well, I was gonna ask you,
since I'm gonna be at war,
94
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:17,256
If you wouldn't mind
taking out my recyclables.
95
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:18,790
- That's what
you wanted to ask me?
96
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,559
- Yeah.
97
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:24,997
Hey, you know what my son's
doing while I'm out fighting?
98
00:04:24,999 --> 00:04:27,966
He's going
to a baby shower.
99
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,668
- Oh, yeah?
100
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:30,869
Back in civil war days,
101
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:33,972
We had names
for guys like you.
102
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,374
They're pretty much
like the names
103
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:39,678
We have for you today.
104
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,414
- All right.
This house is secure.
105
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:45,684
I want lunch!
106
00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:47,919
- May I escort you
across the street, miss marie?
107
00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:51,056
- Thank you, jeb.
What a gentleman.
108
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,392
- Hey, if you're gonna act
like you're stealing her away,
109
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:54,426
Don't tease me.
110
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:58,664
Steal her away!
111
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:01,400
Have a nice shower, nancy.
112
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,540
I was thinking about
what we could do
113
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:10,542
For our presentation
for the baby shower.
114
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:11,743
- Oh, I was thinking
about that too.
115
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:12,744
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
116
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,479
Here's what I was thinking.
117
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,081
We could get up there
right in front of everybody--
118
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:22,087
And then I put an ax
through my head, all right?
119
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:24,556
Then you do
the presentation by yourself
120
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:27,592
Because, thank god,
I'm dead.
121
00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:36,001
- You know,
as much as I like that,
122
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,804
It's gonna be tough
to follow.
123
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,772
- Please, don't make me go.
124
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,841
- Look, as bad as this shower
might be,
125
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,577
It doesn't even compare
to your dad's civil war thing.
126
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:46,845
Think about
your poor brother.
127
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,747
- Yeah.
128
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:51,450
Why?
129
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:53,018
- 'cause he's going to it.
130
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,653
I mean, can you imagine
being stuck in a tent
131
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:55,854
With your dad?
132
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:59,391
That's where
you need the ax.
133
00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,826
- Wait a minute.
Robert's going to this thing?
134
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:02,094
- Yeah.
135
00:06:02,096 --> 00:06:03,462
- My dad asked him to go?
136
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:08,133
- Uh, yeah.
Your mom told me.
137
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:12,371
- What, robert's so great?
138
00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:13,372
- No, I don't think that--
139
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:16,541
- And I get the recycling.
140
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:17,776
He doesn't even ask me.
141
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,978
I mean, my father should ask me,
shouldn't he?
142
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,647
Why didn't he ask?
143
00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:23,982
- Well, would you have gone?
144
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:27,452
- Of course not.
145
00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:30,555
But why does he want robert
to go and not me?
146
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,491
What's wrong with me?
147
00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:39,631
- Ray, I didn't know
that you'd be feeling so--
148
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,032
Wait a minute.
149
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,667
You're not acting all hurt
150
00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:44,503
Just so I'll tell you
you should go with your dad
151
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:48,740
So that you can get out
of the baby shower, are you?
152
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,842
- I'm not that smart.
153
00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:58,750
Hey.
154
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,819
- Hey.
- Mm.
155
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:01,820
- Whoa, man.
156
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:03,722
It's pretty cold out there.
157
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:05,490
What is that, breakfast?
158
00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:07,993
- An authentic
civil war breakfast.
159
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,661
- Your mother
makes a hell of a jerky.
160
00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:14,766
- Yeah, you could swear
this was made in 1863, huh?
161
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,134
- So you guys, you're really
looking forward
162
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,569
To this reenactment thing, huh?
163
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,037
- Hey, can't wait.
164
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:23,175
Violence without paperwork.
165
00:07:23,177 --> 00:07:24,609
- So I guess everybody
who signed up,
166
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:25,644
What are they,
167
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:26,878
They're already
signed up already?
168
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,214
- Yeah.
Why?
169
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:31,650
- I don't know.
170
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:32,818
- What are you saying?
171
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,620
You want to go
to the reenactment?
172
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,489
- You asking me?
173
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:38,690
- You want to go?
174
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:41,593
- I don't know.
You asking me?
175
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:42,961
- If I ask you,
would you go?
176
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,062
- Are you asking raymond?
177
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,131
- I don't know.
Does he want to go?
178
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,466
- Why are you asking me?
179
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:48,800
- I don't--
do you want to go?
180
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,969
- All right, all right,
I'll go!
181
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:54,506
Thank you for asking.
182
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:55,941
- All right,
I got to go over to harry's
183
00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:58,243
And tell him we need
another uniform.
184
00:07:58,245 --> 00:07:59,244
- Can't you call him?
185
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,612
- No.
186
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,481
In his world, the phone
won't be invented
187
00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,649
For another 13 years.
188
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,226
- What?
189
00:08:14,228 --> 00:08:16,127
- You really want
to do this, huh?
190
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:20,065
- Well, you're going.
191
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:21,933
- Do you have any idea
what you're getting into?
192
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,035
- Well, yeah.
Yeah.
193
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,637
- No bed,
194
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:26,938
No heat,
195
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,573
No shower.
196
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:30,141
Weather report
for next weekend:
197
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,544
Snow.
198
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:33,545
- All right.
199
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:35,614
- Meals are hardtack, jerky,
200
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:38,617
And whatever water
you can wring out of your socks.
201
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,285
- Oh, so you're this
big civil war freak now
202
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:42,020
Just 'cause dad asked you
to go first, right?
203
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,089
- He didn't ask me.
204
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,090
- What?
205
00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:46,725
- He didn't ask me.
206
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,760
Since when does dad ask us
to do anything with him?
207
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:53,598
I had to enlist.
208
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:58,603
- Oh, god,
I don't believe this!
209
00:08:58,605 --> 00:09:00,906
I only did this because--
210
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:05,110
- Because you thought
he asked me and not you.
211
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:08,046
And now you have to go.
212
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:11,950
[cackles]
213
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:15,020
Hey, better bring
a newspaper.
214
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,922
- They had newspapers then.
215
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,690
- They didn't have
toilet paper.
216
00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:27,832
- Debra.
- Hmm?
217
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:30,268
- "newsday" or "usa today"...
218
00:09:34,006 --> 00:09:35,807
Which is softer?
219
00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:42,147
- I don't know.
220
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,148
- I'll bring 'em both.
221
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:44,716
I'll read one of 'em.
222
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:50,655
- What's all that stuff?
223
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:54,059
I got to go over to my father's
house tomorrow and get ready.
224
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,327
- Oh, what are you bringing?
225
00:09:55,329 --> 00:09:58,330
- Essentials.
You know, stuff for war.
226
00:09:58,332 --> 00:10:00,865
- Rice krispie treats?
227
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:03,168
I don't think they had those
in the civil war.
228
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:04,836
- I never read that anywhere.
229
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,071
- Itty bitty book light?
230
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:08,006
- Yeah, all right.
Take it easy, okay?
231
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,240
I got to get ready.
232
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:10,642
- What do you mean?
It's a week away.
233
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,010
I thought you were dreading
this thing.
234
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:13,244
- I am dreading it,
235
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:14,879
The war part.
236
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:17,682
- The war part.
What else is there?
237
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:20,318
- Well, there's my father.
238
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,786
You know,
it's the weirdest thing.
239
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,955
At first, I just wanted
to get asked,
240
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,091
But, you know, we never
did stuff together, me and him.
241
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:28,994
Now I just--I kind of want
to go with him.
242
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,729
- Really?
- Yeah.
243
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:33,298
War makes people
do crazy things.
244
00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:39,237
Hello?
245
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,272
- Hey, ray, we're down here
in the basement.
246
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:42,774
- Yeah, come on down, ray.
247
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:46,678
Check your skirt
at the door.
248
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,213
- Hey, did harry
drop off my uniform?
249
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:49,881
- He's on his way over now.
250
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,416
I was just about
to show robert
251
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,151
How to act
when you get shot.
252
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,253
- What, like upset?
253
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:58,189
- No.
No, it's got to be realistic.
254
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,391
Here.
Here, let me show you.
255
00:10:59,393 --> 00:11:01,393
Robert, make a gunshot noise.
256
00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:03,995
- What caliber, .22 or--
what are you, .45?
257
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,664
- Ray.
- Bang.
258
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:06,931
- [groans]
259
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:08,433
I'm hit.
260
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:11,236
Keep fighting, men.
261
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:14,205
Kill those rebel bastards.
262
00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:20,779
Abigail.
263
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:25,216
Dear abigail,
264
00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:27,185
My pretty, young,
265
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:32,023
Non-nagging
civil war wife.
266
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,292
Oh, abigail.
267
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:38,363
See?
268
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,832
Getting shot is fun.
269
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:44,736
- Not if you're watching.
270
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:47,005
- Oh, here, I think I pulled
everything I have.
271
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,340
Give me a hand.
272
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,076
- Come on.
- There you go.
273
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,277
You all right, dad?
274
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:53,878
- Sure, sure.
Thanks.
275
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,213
See?
276
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,782
That's what the civil war
is about,
277
00:11:57,784 --> 00:12:00,285
Families coming together...
278
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,854
- To kill other families.
279
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,857
- Amen.
280
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,225
- Hey, you know
what just occurred to me?
281
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,960
If someone really dies,
282
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:11,963
You don't find out about it
till the car ride home.
283
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,164
- Look at this.
284
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:14,299
Look at this
old pocket knife.
285
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:16,067
It's got initials on it: A.B.
286
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,502
Who's a.B.?
287
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:20,138
- Albert barone, my father.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
288
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:21,406
- Oh, yeah?
He gave that to you?
289
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,474
- Yeah, yeah.
290
00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:23,908
- It's pretty cool.
291
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,410
When?
When did he give you this?
292
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:28,780
- Yeah, we were always camping,
hiking, canoeing.
293
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:31,149
Guess he gave it to me
on one of those trips.
294
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,451
- Oh, yeah?
Hey, this is history.
295
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:34,919
I can take this
on the reenactment with me.
296
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,488
- No, no.
297
00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:38,823
They had no knives like this
during the civil war.
298
00:12:38,825 --> 00:12:40,425
Everything has to be
completely authentic.
299
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,260
- Yeah.
- See these pants?
300
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,864
No zipper.
301
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:49,033
- Good luck with that.
302
00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:50,034
- Good morning, men.
303
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:54,439
- Morning, sir!
- Morning, sir!
304
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,142
- Hi.
305
00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:59,811
- You'll be pleased to know
that the battlefield is ours.
306
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:02,280
The carnival and the petting zoo
have moved on.
307
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:05,416
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
308
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:07,418
- Here's your uniform.
309
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:08,453
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
310
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:09,854
This is a different color.
311
00:13:09,856 --> 00:13:11,156
- You didn't tell him?
312
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:12,190
- Oh, yeah.
313
00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:13,925
The south's short a few guys,
314
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:15,560
So you're gonna have
to fight on their side.
315
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,962
- [cackles]
316
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,998
- South?
317
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,800
Come on, I don't want
to fight on the south.
318
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,468
I want to be with you guys
at this thing.
319
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,103
- A rebel in a union camp?
320
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,272
That is out
of the question, soldier.
321
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:29,174
- I'm not a rebel!
322
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:30,475
Come on.
I don't know those guys.
323
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,844
I'm gonna be all shy.
324
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:37,048
- Don't make me slap you.
325
00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:39,284
- I'm never gonna pass
for a southerner, okay?
326
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:42,020
What if they
hear me talk?
327
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:45,089
- Maybe they'll hang you
as a spy.
328
00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:46,991
- Robert,
want to give me a hand?
329
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,928
I have a cannon
in the trunk of my car.
330
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:52,497
- Sir, yes, sir!
331
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,533
Robert, talk to this guy,
will you?
332
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:57,268
Come on, I don't want to fight
for the south.
333
00:13:57,270 --> 00:14:00,839
I can't eat grits
and say "y'all."
334
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,307
- I like you on the other side.
335
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:04,242
It's more authentic.
336
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:07,078
Brother against brother.
337
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:12,884
[whistling "the battle hymn
of the republic"]
338
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:16,955
- Oh, my feet are killing me.
339
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:21,125
I think these boots
are a size too small.
340
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:24,996
On the bottom
of my right boot?
341
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,598
- "left."
342
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:31,569
- Oh, crap.
What's it say on the other one?
343
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,872
- Guess.
344
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,274
- All right, help me off
with them, will you?
345
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,977
- Hey, dad, are you sure
346
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,979
I can't be
on your side at this thing?
347
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:43,348
- I told you, the south's
a few guys short.
348
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:45,884
Look, try yanking
from the heel, okay?
349
00:14:45,886 --> 00:14:47,952
- You know, I kind of thought
350
00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:49,654
I'd be on your side
on this thing, you know,
351
00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,456
With you.
352
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,057
- Look, I know
what you're worried about.
353
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,926
If we should come
face-to-face out there,
354
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:58,162
I'll just shoot you
in the hand, all right?
355
00:14:58,164 --> 00:14:59,497
Aah!
You're twisting.
356
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,132
What's the matter with you?
357
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:02,901
- Look, either I'm on your side
on this thing,
358
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,402
Or I'm not gonna go, okay?
359
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,970
- You can't desert now.
360
00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:06,971
- There's no desert, dad.
361
00:15:06,973 --> 00:15:08,973
There's no war here!
362
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:10,942
It's just dressing up
in costumes
363
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:11,943
Like it's Halloween,
364
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:17,215
With your friend harry/jeb.
365
00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:20,051
- You shut up now.
366
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,020
This means something to us.
367
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:24,022
There's camaraderie here.
368
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:26,057
There's spirit.
369
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,960
You don't understand anything
about this.
370
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,561
You have no idea
what it feels like
371
00:15:30,563 --> 00:15:32,263
To stand on a battlefield
372
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,600
Pretending to fight
for something you believe in.
373
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:42,373
- Look, I'm not talking
about that, dad, okay?
374
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,675
- Then why do you want to go?
375
00:15:43,677 --> 00:15:46,044
- Believe it or not,
to be with you.
376
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,979
Why can't you do something
with me for once?
377
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:50,181
- What are you talking about?
We do stuff.
378
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:52,684
- What? What do we do, dad?
What? What do we ever do?
379
00:15:52,686 --> 00:15:54,585
- I can't believe
you're giving me all this grief
380
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,721
Just because you're not
on my side in this thing.
381
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,957
I'm sorry I asked you to go.
382
00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:00,358
- You didn't ask me to go.
383
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:01,526
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
384
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:03,161
- I said, "do you want to go?"
385
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:04,595
- Yeah, you said,
"do you want to go?"
386
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:07,598
Not, "do you want to go
because I want you to go?"
387
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:14,572
- Oh, my god.
388
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:16,441
You are gonna
get passed around the campfire
389
00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,609
Like a bag of chips.
390
00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:24,182
- All right.
Forget about it, then.
391
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:25,616
Forget it.
I won't go.
392
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,151
All right.
393
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:31,155
You know, I just--
I thought maybe you--
394
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,590
We could do something
together for once,
395
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,592
You know, like you did
with your father.
396
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,427
- What are you talking about?
- What do you mean?
397
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,196
What do you mean
what am I talking about?
398
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:39,764
Didn't you just tell me
he gave you the knife?
399
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,566
He took you hunting
and fishing and canoeing.
400
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,201
Didn't you just
tell me that, dad?
401
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,236
Or what,
is that all pretend too?
402
00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:57,115
It is.
It is, isn't it?
403
00:17:01,387 --> 00:17:03,688
- Are you gonna help me off
with the damn boots or what?
404
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,334
- Turn.
Turn the foot, dad.
405
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:17,668
Turn your foot.
406
00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:25,543
- You know,
407
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:29,047
I tried to be better than him.
408
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:32,750
- I know, dad.
I know.
409
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,353
- Look, you're good at that,
aren't you,
410
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:38,289
Doing stuff
with your kids?
411
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:40,558
- I'm all right.
412
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,428
I could be better too.
413
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,563
You know, but they'll probably
be better with their kids,
414
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:49,567
So we're on
the right track here.
415
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,602
Your great, great grandchildren
416
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:56,107
Will probably
be excellent parents.
417
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,708
- Yeah.
418
00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,478
So are you gonna
come to this thing
419
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,547
With me or not?
420
00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:04,682
- All right.
Stop asking.
421
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:08,219
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come here. Come here.
422
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:10,555
I got to teach you
the civil war handshake.
423
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:11,823
- Dad.
- Here, not like that.
424
00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:14,225
You got to clasp forearms
like this.
425
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,726
- Right.
- It's stronger.
426
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:17,195
- Like this here?
427
00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:18,296
- Yeah.
- Okay.
428
00:18:23,402 --> 00:18:28,172
You know, you're shaking hands
with a confederate here.
429
00:18:28,174 --> 00:18:31,476
- Yeah, you don't have
much of a grip there, nancy.
430
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:34,479
[both laugh]
431
00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:38,549
- Debra?
Debra, you've got to see this.
432
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,318
Come on.
433
00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:52,130
- We're just here
to say farewell to our kinfolk.
434
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:54,465
- Ray, your ride's here.
435
00:18:58,670 --> 00:19:01,672
[all chuckling]
436
00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:14,652
- Listen, if I don't come back,
437
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,723
It's 'cause I died
of embarrassment.
438
00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,525
- [with a southern accent]
well, I do declare,
439
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,927
You look so very fine
in your uniform.
440
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,562
I believe I've got the vapors.
441
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,631
[chuckles]
442
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:29,200
- Where were you last night?
443
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:30,568
- Come on.
444
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:31,869
I don't want them
to start without us.
445
00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:33,638
- That's right.
446
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,641
All the good killing's
in the first five minutes.
447
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:38,509
- Hey, kids, when I come back
from the war,
448
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,378
We're gonna go
to the happy zone, right?
449
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:41,812
- I hope you win, daddy.
450
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:44,615
- Don't bet on it, kid.
451
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:47,318
Ray, sign this card
for the baby shower.
452
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,319
- Oh, sorry.
Got to go.
453
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:53,424
What am I gonna tell
tom and marianne?
454
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:55,560
- Frankly, my dear...
455
00:19:58,797 --> 00:20:00,932
I don't give a damn.
456
00:20:00,934 --> 00:20:06,737
[sweeping orchestral music]
457
00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:14,345
- Idiots.
458
00:20:29,428 --> 00:20:30,428
All: Huzzah!
459
00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:32,763
[gunfire]
460
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,832
[all laugh]
461
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,534
- I can't believe
you shot me, robert.
462
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:38,736
- [laughs]
463
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:42,273
- Stop talking.
You're ruining it.
464
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,375
- I got to lie here
all afternoon?
465
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:46,310
- It's got to be authentic.
466
00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:47,979
- What authentic?
467
00:20:47,981 --> 00:20:50,915
Stonewall jackson's
wearing a beeper.
468
00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:56,520
- His wife's pregnant.
32278
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