Original subtitles

- [sniffing]

[groans]

Sammy.

Uh, not the flannel pajamas.

- What?

- What the...

When you come to bed wearing that silky thing,

I know I have a chance, but...

Flannel pajamas...

You might as well be wearing a porcupine suit.

- It's just, I'm so tired, ray.

- Yes, but we had an appointment.

Huh? See the rocket ship?

- I don't know; it's just that, you know,

I've been christmas shopping all day,

And then I just got the twins down,

And I'm just not in the mood.

- You don't have to be in the mood.

I mean, just start

And you can get in the mood.

It--it's like you're invited to a party

That you don't want to go to,

So you figure, "I'm just gonna stop by, say hello."

And then you get there, the next thing you know,

You're swinging at the piñata, wearing a hat.

- I'm not going to the party, ray.

- You can't just not go.

At least send a gift.

- You know, it's not always me.

What about last week

When I was in the mood and you weren't?

- When was that?

- Wednesday.

I asked you to give me a back rub.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

You gave me one of these one-handed deals.

- Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You asked for a back rub,

And that means mr. Smith goes to washington?

Come on.

Why didn't you say something?

- Well, what am I supposed to say,

"hey, come on, you want some? Let's do it."

- I would love it if you talked like that.

- You know, after all these years,

You still have no idea, do you?

- Look, I know you have to be in the mood,

But can't you just this once...

Think like a man?

- I am.

I'm completely disregarding your feelings.

- You tell mr. Smith that.

I don't know why it has to be so hard, andy, you know?

I mean, we're married for eight years.

It should get easier.

It should be, "you awake?" boom!

- I'm the wrong guy to talk to about women.

Even my fantasies just want to be friends.

- Hi, guys.

- Hey, erin. - Hey.

Hey, erin, you're a woman.

- Thanks.

- Come here. Have a seat. We got a question.

We got to talk to you about something.

- Oh, don't, andy.

- No, it's okay, I'll talk to him.

It's christmas.

- Thank you, erin.

Our question is this.

Why can't I score?

What--what--what the hell's with you people?

Why do women look at me

Like I'm some kind of homunculus?

- This is the big mystery?

- No, ray has a question.

Go ahead and ask her what you were asking me.

- I wasn't asking. I was complaining.

- Go ahead. - No, I don't want to.

- How come you don't like it as much as we do?

- [giggling]

What, we just--we prefer to be in the mood first.

- Okay, stop right there.

The mood--

Just give me directions to the mood.

And keep in mind that I live further away than he does.

- All right.

You know, listen, I can help you.

Just--all you have to know is that for a woman,

It's all about intimacy.

Holding hands, kissing, talking.

- Right. I know.

I know all that, but look,

When you're married with three kids,

You got no time for that.

You got shortcuts?

- I thought marriage was a shortcut.

You've already got her in the house...

- No! There are no shortcuts.

Put in the time.

A woman says, "before I sleep with you,

I want to feel close to you."

- And I say, "you will feel very close to me

When you are sleeping with me."

- That's the problem with you guys.

You know what you think?

You think that the mushy stuff

Well, we still want the mushy stuff.

Why can't you try a little, huh?

- What? I'm trying. What do you want?

- Some caring, some consideration.

Did you ever try being creative?

God, look at you!

Tuck in your shirts.

- Okay, thank you.

Thanks for your help.

- Hey, that's the way it is.

You asked my advice as a woman.

I'm telling you.

You got to try harder.

- Hey.

Hey, erin. Erin...

Come on. Check it out, huh?

- Very nice.

We're still just friends.

- [singing] you better watch out

You better watch out

You better watch out

You better watch out

You-ou-ou better watch out

- What is this?

- That's just an early christmas present

For a good little girl.

- Ohh. That's sweet.

What is it?

- It's--it's magic hands.

I--I thought I'd get you this

Now that I know what "rub your back" means.

- Isn't that considerate?

Boy, ray, you are just so transp--

Ooh.

Oh!

Ooh. - Yeah.

- [giggles] that's--that's not bad.

- Yeah, it's good. - Yeah.

- I tried it. - Wow.

[giggling]

Ooh. That's good.

Ooh, right there. - Yeah?

- Ohh!

Ooh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Yes, raymond.

- Raymond?

You just called me raymond.

- Well, this is about to be a special occasion.

- Ha!

- Ow! Ow!

Ray, it's caught in my hair.

- Easy. Well, don't pull.

What are you pulling? - Don't pull it!

- Stop moving.

I can't get it out if you're moving.

- Turn that thing off! - Stop moving!

I'm still attached. - Turn it off, ray.

- Attached.

Wait. All right.

- Ouch!

Pulling on my hair!

- Looks good on you, though.

- [singing] on a cold and gray

Chicago morn

And another baby child is born

In the ghetto

[falsetto] in the ghetto

And his mama cries

'cause if there's one thing that she don't need

It's another hungry little mouth to feed

In the ghetto

[falsetto] in the ghetto

People, don't you come and see--

Hey.

- Hi. - Hey.

What?

- Nothing.

I just got a little shiver.

- Want me to--want me to turn up the heat?

- No.

Not that kind of shiver.

You gave me a shiver.

- Me? - Yeah.

You just look kind of...

Sexy.

- What?

- Yeah, well...

You know, with the sweeper and...

- The sweeper?

- Yeah.

- That's what does it for you?

- No, but, you know, just-- I don't know,

Watching you play with the kids this morning

And then, you know, wearing these silly boxers

That they gave you and... Oh, I don't know,

Just the fact that you're my husband

And you take care of us and the whole picture.

Sweeping just put it over the top.

- What are you doing to me here!

What? You're killing me!

- I just wanted to let you know how I was feeling.

- Well, you can't kiss me like that.

It's christmas. Ally's up.

My parents are coming over now.

- I'm sorry.

- You've activated the launch sequence now.

What?

[together] merry christmas.

- Hey.

- Nice.

We usually hang ours on the door.

- You made me wear this dumb sweater.

Ray's not even wearing pants.

- I guess I'll go put clothes on.

- Yeah, I'll go stir my eggs. - Yeah.

- No, no, no, no. Keep that on.

That's your christmas sweater.

- It's the sweater or the pants, marie.

Something's coming off.

- Look at this.

My k-9 kringle police dog ornament

Buried at the bottom of the tree.

That's typical.

- No, no, no. Don't put it-- it doesn't look good.

It looks terrible up there.

- Why?

- Because of the two wooden ornaments.

You gotta have something shiny in between.

- Who gives a flying squirrel about the ornaments?

The lights are all wrong.

- Oh, forget the lights. Look at these garlands.

You can't just throw them on there.

You've got to drape them.

- I paid $15 for this ornament.

They told me how much they loved it.

- You look out.

- Okay, I'm putting k-9 kringle right here.

- No, no, no, no. It's worse up there.

- Marie, will you get out of the way?

- I'm not talking to you and your stupid lights.

Didn't that fire teach you a lesson, you maniac?

- Hey, do me a favor.

Stick your toe in the water,

And twist this bulb right here.

- It'd be worth it to get away from you.

- Will you stop?

You're killing christmas!

- Oh, my god.

What did you do?

- Nothing.

- Hi, grandma and grandpa.

- Merry christmas, kids.

- You just hate anything bigger than you, don't you?

Happy holidays.

- Oh, ray, look at you.

- What are you doing?

- Your buttons are all off.

- Oh, god.

- Oh, you smell good.

- I need you, raymond.

We want to open our presents.

Come on.

- [sighs]

- Here, dear. From me to you.

- Oh, thank you, marie.

- And raymond, I got you something.

- Oh, I got you something too.

Hold on. [groans]

Whew.

- Oh.

It's a housecoat.

- I noticed you didn't have one.

It's just like mine.

- Oh, so we could be twins.

- Hold it up.

- Wow, robert.

- Yep, a remote-control replica

Of a vintage p-51 "d" mustang flown by chuck yeager,

Complete with a fully operational slide-away canopy.

[chuckles]

Hey. Golf balls.

- Yeah, well, I wanted to--

- No, no, no.

These are very good golf balls.

Yeah, and there's three of them.

- Hold them up.

- You know what?

Why don't you keep the plane over at your house,

'cause it'll probably be safer there, yeah.

- Yeah, you can use it whenever you want.

- All right, great. Thank you, raymond.

And here, keep these golf balls.

And you can use them whenever you want.

- Oh, that's lovely.

And it is so you.

- What do you think, ray?

- I just got a shiver.

- Debra, the eggs florentine,

Eggs-traordinary.

- Oh, yes, dear.

You're really coming along.

- Thank you, marie.

I'm just glad that you could come along.

- I'm stuffed. Let's watch football.

- Wait, dad, how about you and I clear the table?

- What?

Let's give debra the rest of the day off.

- No, no, no. Don't be ridiculous.

Debra and I can handle it.

- No, no. - Yeah, they can handle it.

- Come on, come on.

I think we should do it. Come on.

- Well, thank you...

Raymond.

- What in hell's manger is wrong with you?

- I just wanted to give the ladies a break.

You know, do something for debra.

- Why?

- Hey, listen, you know what I was thinking?

Maybe you and mom

Want to take the kids this afternoon...

To, uh... To your house.

- Why?

- Again, the debra thing, you know?

And besides, they're your grandchildren,

And you love them,

And you want to spend time with them on christmas...

Like people.

- I'm spending time with them here,

And they're not breaking my stuff.

- I know, I know.

It's just, uh...

You know, it'll give debra and me a chance to relax.

- Relax? Why do you want to relax?

What do you mean?

Oh.

- What?

- Relax.

- What?

- I read you loud and clear.

Time for a little nookie, eh, sailor?

- What? No.

No, no.

- On christmas day yet.

Well, well, well,

The nut does not fall far from the tree.

I remember one easter, your mother and I--

- Dad, please, please.

Don't.

- Don't worry about a thing, son.

I'm on the case.

Marie! - Dad, no.

- Let's go, marie. - Dad, wait.

- Pack up your stuff and grab the kids.

- I didn't mean for this.

- Why? Why are we leaving?

- Ray and debra want to relax.

- Ray.

- Dad, I didn't mean-- you don't have to do this.

Come on.

- Why? Why do they have to relax?

- They're young. They're in love.

You gotta be hit over the head with a mallet?

Figure it out.

- Oh, my god!

- Raymond, it's christmas day.

The baby jesus was just born.

- Okay, I found the batteries.

We are clear for takeoff.

- So's my boy.

Everybody, grab your coats.

Chop chop.

- What's going on?

- Nothing. Nothing's going on.

No, you don't have to go.

Come on. You don't understand.

- Oh, I understand it all too well, raymond.

In my day, there was a little something

Called self-control.

- Not on easter 1962. - Oh, shush.

- Enjoy yourselves, kids.

And flash the lights when you're done.

We'll come back over.

- So...

What do you want to do?

- I think the moment has passed, ray.

- Okay, that moment has,

But look, here comes another.

Hey!

- You know, I-- I wish I was in the mood.

I really do, but...

You wouldn't want me to fake it, would you?

- I'm easy to fool.

- You know, I just can't believe you still want to

After that atrocity downstairs.

- Look, I don't. I don't.

I thought I did.

I wanted to give it a try,

But who am I kidding?

- I'm sorry, ray.

- Okay, I'm back.

- [sighs]

- What?

Oh, what?

- I--I just don't think it's gonna happen.

It's not you. It's not you, ray.

- Oh, it--it's them. It's them! Ohh!

Them! Them!

Well, don't do that. Don't let them ruin it.

Right, come on.

Look, I'll put on the santa shorts

And the sweeper.

[singing] in the ghetto

In the ghetto

Come on!

Try. Just try a little.

- You yelling at me isn't going to work.

- Okay, all right.

So there's something that might work.

All right, I'm not yelling now.

- Just maybe try talking to me, okay?

Talk to me!

- What am I doing here? I'm talking.

- Well, no.

Something nice, something romantic.

- Oh, uh, uh...

You...

I think you're the most beautiful woman

On the face of the earth.

I will know that for as long as I live,

Forever.

- You're so pathetic.

- Oh, that's it.

- No, I mean that in a good way.

- I'm sick of jumping through hoops, all right?

I have my pride.

- Get back here now, raymond.

- Raymond?

- You heard me.

- You just called me pathetic.

- Yes, but you're never more sexy

Than when you're pathetic.

- The mood has been hiding right behind pathetic.

That's--that is brilliant.

I never would've thought to look there.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

[buzzing]

- What's that noise?

- I don't care.

[glass shattering]

- [grunting]

- I was thinking...

Maybe we'll keep the plane over here.

Hey, deb.

Thump!

- Hey, what's up?

- Give me change of a dollar.

- Hi, erin. - How you doing?

- How you doing? - Good.

- I'll see you later. - I'll see you later.

- You were right, ray.

Go pathetic.

- Don't abuse it.