Original subtitles

- No, ray's still out of town covering the yankees.

Yeah, I know.

He's been gone for four days,

And he's 16 minutes late.

- Hey! - Daddy! Daddy!

- Grab that, ray.

- Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

- All right-- - no, ally, get off there.

Get down. Get down.

- Mo. - Matthew wants mo.

- Oh, okay, matthew--

- And we got a cleanup, aisle two.

- All right, here you go.

[phone rings]

- I'll get it. - Ow!

- Dinnertime.

- Gregory's done.

And matthew's done.

And ally's done.

- Aaahh!

[kids crying]

- Okay...

Cookie, cookie,

And...Cookie.

[all stop crying]

[sighs]

Hi, honey.

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm ray.

I live here in long island

With my wife, debra,

My five-year-old daughter,

And twin almost-two-year-old boys.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

The truth is, I'd do anything for my family.

And...Done.

Oh, no.

Unh! Debra!

Honey!

Somebody! Call my father!

I'm hyperventilating!

- Oh, honey,

I don't know how I survived four days by myself.

- I know. I know.

Hey, nobody hates

Going on the road more than me.

It's miserable for me out there.

Hey, look at this. Cal ripken signed my hat.

- Oh, that's great. Look at this.

Gregory spit up on my shirt.

- I'm not trading.

- Okay.

Just be happy you made it home for my birthday.

That's all I can say. - Well, what?

Of course I made it home for your birthday.

Are you kidding? Your birthday is...

- Sunday. - Sunday.

That's right. Big party.

- And how old am I going to be?

- I know that.

- Ray...How old?

- All right, all right, I just have to backtrack.

Let's see, when I proposed, you were 23.

- Mm-hmm. - You said no.

- Right.

Then I proposed. You were 24.

- No again. - No again.

Right.

Then I took a year off to regroup.

- Yup.

- Then I came back with a job.

Boom! Married.

That would make you... 32...

Ish.

- All right, I'll accept that.

- Good, 'cause... Big party.

- No, you know what? I don't want the party.

I just want a nice day at home

With my favorite husband and my kids, okay?

- Okay, and I guess my parents and my brother too, right?

My parents and my brother?

What?

- Ray, it's just that--

Look, you know I love them.

They're my family too.

But I was wondering if perhaps

We wouldn't have them over on Sunday.

- Well, why not?

- Well, it's just, you know, honey,

Every day that you were gone, they dropped by.

And then your dad is always waking up the kids.

And now they don't even call first.

- Well, they live across the street.

Why should they call? It's quicker just to come by.

- I know.

- It's like we're on the way.

- No, no, no, we are the way.

We are where they're going.

- You see, now you're exaggerating a little.

- You're home.

- Hi, mom.

- Hi, I saw your car pull up before.

You didn't call.

- Oh...

- Hi, debra,

I brought you some baking soda for your fridge.

I smelled something questionable.

- From across the street?

- No, when I was here yesterday.

- Okay.

- Ooh, it's worse!

- Oh, now, that's just--

- Okay, all right, okay, all right.

Ma, listen, ma, we can buy our own baking soda.

- I know, sweetie, but you don't.

Ooh, what have we here?

Oh, I'll get you some club soda for that too.

- No, ma, we have club soda, ma.

- No, your father finished it.

I'll see you later.

- Oh, it comes from love.

Look, if you want, maybe I'll talk to my father about it.

- Well, while you're talking to him,

Would you mind mentioning the answering machine?

- Is he playing back the messages again?

I changed the code.

- Well, he cracked it.

- I hope everyone's doing good.

And, debra, you ought to call linda back.

She sounds like she had

A very interesting visit to the gyno.

[machine beeps]

- That's funny. That's--

You know, it's not for everybody, okay?

Look, he's fooling around.

That's what he does.

He's like one of those guys,

What do you call them?

An idiot.

- But do they have to bring your brother over?

- My brother lives with them.

He doesn't like staying alone.

- He's 40, ray.

- Come on, he loves the kids.

You know, the way he has to touch every bite

To his chin before he puts it in his mouth.

That's-- it's weird.

- What? That's an idiosyncrasy.

It's like when he's counting and he gets to the number 12

And he has to take his shoes off.

Everybody has those.

- How'd he ever become a police sergeant?

- 'cause he's a good cop,

And they didn't make him count...

Or eat.

- I don't know, ray, it's just that it's--

You know, every day,

And between them and the kids, I just feel--

- Lucky? - Ray--

- All right. Look, all right.

I'm home now. Maybe you need a break.

I'll tell you, why don't you go out

With linda tomorrow night?

- What, and leave the kids with your parents?

- No, I'll do the kids.

- Oh-- [blows raspberry]

- Oh, I can't do that?

Oh, hey, how about the time

You went to your aunt's for three days?

- I took the kids with me.

- Yeah, but I fed myself.

- Hey, ray!

Ray! - Come on, keep it down, leo.

I just got them to sleep.

- I'm sorry.

Hey, want to go over to nemo's, get a slice?

- Leo, my kids aren't fish, okay?

You can't just sprinkle food over the crib and leave.

- Call your mother.

- No, I can't; debra's got this thing

About them coming over too much lately.

- I got the club soda.

Hi, leo, hi.

- Hey, ms. B. - How you doing?

- Ms. B, would you mind maybe sitting with the kids

For a little bit while raymond and I

Went out and got some pizza?

- No, no. - No, not at all.

But where's debra?

- She went to the movies with linda.

- The movies? - Yes.

- Some people get to live it up.

Go ahead. You guys, go ahead.

Go, get your pizza. You deserve it.

- You rock, mrs. B.

- [muttering]

- Come on, let's go.

- No, no.

No, no. Listen.

Debra doesn't want me to leave them with...

Out me.

- You're leaving them with me.

They're sleeping.

Go on. Go with your friend.

- Well, I want to, but I can't.

- We know, you're worried. You're concerned.

We're all crying buckets here. Come on, let's go.

- All right, it's 8:30. One hour.

We'll be gone one hour.

- Would you go? Come on, you're insulting me.

I raised you, didn't I?

- Oh, god, you raised me--

- Hey! - Ooh, frank, robbie!

You scared me.

- You don't leave a note? You just leave?

We're looking all over for you.

- Where'd you look?

- We thought we'd start here.

- Where are the kids?

- Oh, no, they're sleeping.

- Hey, I just want to see them. Come on, it's early.

I just want to see the kids. They can sleep when we go.

- No, no, no.

You want to see something, huh?

A $120 receipt from victoria's secrets.

- Holy crap!

What the hell's a "bustier"?

- It's a thing, you know, to pull you in here.

- When did he get this?

- Oh, that's an award your brother got

For his sports column.

- It never ends for raymond.

- Oh, poor robbie.

- Everybody loves raymond.

I go to work, people shoot at me.

Ray goes to work, people do the wave.

Then he sits down, has a hot dog,

Doodles on a piece of paper,

And they give him a trophy.

I think that raymond is wasting his life writing sports.

I mean, a writer should be writing short stories

And poetry.

- Do you think I'm wasting my life?

- Well...It's different with you, dear.

- Look who's up. - [wailing]

- Ooh, look at that.

[ally yelling, banging pot]

- Oh, no, no, no-- - hi, daddy.

- Hey, ray, do you want to watch the game?

- No, no, what are you doing, everybody?

Debra's going to be--

Okay, all right, I'm going to ask you,

Quickly and quietly, move to your nearest exits.

- It's the fourth quarter.

- Dad, please, buckle up and go.

- You know, when somebody does you a favor,

You're supposed to say "thank you."

- Thank you, thank you, mom and dad.

You're wonderful grandparents.

You're not evil at all.

- Let me just smell their heads once more.

- Dad, please, please, dad--

- Mmm, it's the fountain of youth.

I'm sucking in that youth.

- I'm begging you, dad.

I'm begging you, let go of their heads.

Let go of their heads. I'll give you money.

Do you want money? - Hey, save your money.

You're going to need it.

Victoria's not a secret anymore.

- What? What?

- We'll see you Sunday at debra's party.

- Okay. Thanks again.

Thanks again, ma.

- Nice trophy.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey, I was just checking the kids.

- Oh, great.

- Still sleeping like logs.

- Oh.

Oh, my gosh. Look at this place.

- What?

- It's spotless!

You cleaned up for me.

- Well, you're not the maid.

- Oh, ray, oh, you are so wonderful.

To look at the kids real quick, okay?

- Okay.

I think I'm having sex.

Oh...

Good old sex.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm going to do new stuff.

Hi, honey.

- Uh, ray...

- What?

- Why do the boys' heads smell like old spice?

- What?

- Your father was here

And sucking the youth out of their heads again, huh?

And your brother was here too.

Just found this froot loop on matthew's chin.

Are you going to tell me what happened here tonight, ray,

Or do I have to call your parents?

- No, no, no, no, no.

Please, please, no, no, don't call the parents, no.

Okay, okay.

I put them to sleep. - Yeah.

- And my mother came over, and then I went out with leo.

- What?

You left the kids with your mom?

- No, my father and brother were here too.

- Then I got rid of them, and then did some cleaning.

Huh? You noticed the cleaning down there.

- Okay, why did they have to be here?

What was so important that you had to go out for?

- Pizza.

- Pizza? Pizza?

- Did you see the mess? You should've seen it.

They woke the kids up.

- What? Ray!

- Oh, the pizza wasn't even good.

- You told me that you were going to stay

And watch the kids.

- I know. I know, but--

- But what? But what, ray?

- I don't know.

- I'll tell you one thing.

Your folks are not coming over on Sunday.

That is my birthday, and I should be allowed

One day of peace without them.

And you know what?

I want you to call them

And tell them that that's what we want,

Because they need to get the message

That we have our own lives,

And we're entitled to a little privacy.

- You're right. You're right.

You're absolutely right. - So you'll tell them?

- I can't do that.

- What is this hold they have on you?

I'm just asking you for me.

Please, can we celebrate my birthday alone?

- I can't uninvite them.

- You can't?

Well, then, maybe I won't be here.

- No, stop it. Don't!

Don't sleep on the couch!

I just cleaned down there!

[knock on door]

- Oh, raymond! - Hi.

- Come in, honey.

Your brother's working, and your father's out

Buying one of those balls for your toilet.

So I got the whole house to myself.

Is that my large fork?

- Yeah, yeah, it is. It is.

That's why I came by here. I wanted to return this.

- Oh, well, I didn't want to say anything,

But that happens to be a very good fork.

You know? - I know.

That's why it took so long. I love it.

Listen, ma, I wanted to talk to you

About debra's birthday.

- Oh, my god!

Talk about birthdays.

Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning.

Did you know you sent me a box of pears

From a place called fruit of the month?

- That's right. That's right.

How are they?

- Oh, they're very nice pears,

But there's so many of them.

There are over a dozen pears.

What am I supposed to do with all those pears?

- I think you're supposed to eat them, ma.

- Myself? - You.

You and dad and robert.

- How many pears can robert eat?

Look, I appreciate the thought, raymond,

But, please, don't ever send us

Any more fruit again, okay?

Thanks. Thanks, darling.

- Well, another box is coming next month.

- What?

More pears?

- No.

No, it's a different fruit every month.

- Every month? - Yes, yes!

That's why they call it "fruit of the month club."

- It's a club? Oh, my god.

What am I going to do with all this fruit?

- Well, most people like it, ma.

You share it. Share it with all your friends.

- Which friends?

- I don't know. Lee and stan.

- Lee and stan buy their own fruit.

- Then give it away--

- Why did you do this to me? - Oh, my god.

- I can't talk.

There's too much fruit in the house!

- Oh, what is happening?

I'm--I'm sorry, ma.

- Hey, marie.

Oh, ray!

- Do you know that the fruit keeps coming

Month after month?

He's got us in some kind of a cult.

- It's not a cult, ma. It's a club.

- What do you mean month after month?

For how long?

- It's a year.

- My god, are you out of your mind?

- Oh, all right, I'm so sorry, dad.

- What do you think we are, invalids?

We can't go out and get our own fruit?

- I tried to tell him.

- All right, I'm canceling the fruit club.

- Oh, good.

Thank you, raymond. Thank you.

And don't do that again.

- Like we don't have enough problems.

- All right, okay, listen, I got to talk about the party.

- Ooh, the party.

- Yes, yes, yes, listen, I was thinking--

Uh, there isn't going to be a party.

- Who's dead?

- Nobody's dead, dad.

We're not going to have a party.

- You got to have a party. I baked.

I've never heard of such a thing.

- We're not having a party because I'm surprising debra.

I'm taking her to...

Bear mountain.

- Bear mountain? - Yeah, that's right.

I want to do something special for her.

This is a surprise, all right?

So you can't go telling her anything.

All right? So thank you very much.

- Okay, wait. Wait just one minute now.

Here. Wait.

It's a long trip to bear mountain.

Take fruit.

- Okay, thanks.

Hey. - Hey.

Raymond gets the pears too?

- They all went down for a nap.

Whoo!

Puts this over the top

As the best birthday I have ever had.

- No, hey, hey, what are you doing?

- Just letting in the light.

- It's still your birthday, though.

We want to have a nice, cozy birthday.

Huh? Isn't that cozy?

- [laughs]

I know what you're up to.

- You do? - Yeah, come here.

- Oh, yeah, this is what I'm up to.

Yeah.

I thought this only happened on my birthday.

- Oh, ray, I'm so glad you set your parents straight, huh?

Doesn't it feel good to be honest with them?

- It does. It does feel good.

Not as good as this, though.

You were 100% right.

I don't know what I was afraid of.

- Yeah.

- Ohh! - Aah!

What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

- We live here.

- We thought you were on bear mountain.

- Bear mountain? Who told you that?

Both: Raymond.

- You want to holster the weapon, bro?

- Well?

- Okay, I lied. I lied.

I lied to everybody.

I was trying to make everybody happy.

- Nice job.

- Oh, I should've known better.

Why did--especially with my parents,

The only people who treat a box of fruit

Like it's plutonium.

I made a mistake. I chickened out.

All right,

Look, the truth is,

Debra wanted us to have a day to ourselves.

And me too, me too.

But debra's the one.

She's got--

No, she's got it very hard around here.

Though she's never said that to me.

I've noticed it.

Like dad.

I know you try to be funny, but--

Like with the twins.

Maybe you shouldn't say,

"I think little matthew has homosexual tendencies."

And, ma, you can't be so critical.

If you're going to be critical,

Could you please call before you come over here, really,

So we could be ready for it?

Both of you, could you both call?

We have to prepare.

There's bills and receipts we hide.

And then we chant a little.

Now, listen, we-- we love you both,

But this is our house, and debra's my wife,

And if you can't accept what I'm telling you...

Well...

Then you can't come over here anymore.

Unless you call first.

That's it. I think I did it all, right?

- What? This has nothing to do with me.

- Oh, yeah, robert,

Could you try not to eat near the kids?

- If you just wanted the day to yourselves,

All you had to do was say so.

We'd understand.

- Of course we'd understand.

What's not to understand?

When did he get so sensitive?

- He's a writer.

- Happy birthday.

- I'm shaking.

- Oh, honey, you were great. You were just great, yeah.

Oh, come here.

Come here.

- Hey, maybe you should put on that bustier.

- What are you doing?

- Okay, we'll try again on my birthday.