All language subtitles for the.marvelous.mrs.maisel.s02e02.720p.web.h264-skgtv_ENG

Morning. I'm so happy

you agreed to stay here
while my parents are gone.

I really believe
if Harry Drake's goons

can't find you,
they may just forget about you.

Anyhow, some rules
you need to follow.

no eating in the living room.

touch nothing pink.

Rule number three...

do not touch Papa's robe.

In the third place,
ain't nobody can eat

that much ice cream.

Shit.

Eighteen and a half.

Such a tiny fucking thigh.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

- I will connect you.
- Hey.

- Oh, do you read?
- Occasionally.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

- I will connect you.
- So, I'm looking through

the Village Voice,
just perusing the headlines,

and look what I see.

Well, you need
to turn it toward me

- so I can...
- "Susie Myerson, the manager

"of the underground
phenom comedienne Mrs. Maisel,

says she's gonna be bigger
than Totie Fields."

Wait, what are you read... Ah, shoot.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

Isn't that crazy? Mrs. Maisel?

- I mean, you're Mrs. Maisel.
- Hold, please.

- Can I...?
- This comedian has the same name as you.

B. Altman. Where...
Oh, sorry. I thought I did.

- I will connect you.
- The world is so small.

I feel like I should be able
to subway to China.

- Do you know her?
- I don't think so.

- Is there a picture?
- No picture.

You could be related.
She could be your cousin.

Or your mother.
Is your mother a comedienne?

- Wouldn't that be a scandal?
- Hmm.

Oops. I guess all those
flashing lights are for me.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

- Ginger!
- Here.

I will connect you.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

Zelda?

I ate the strudel, and it was awesome.

Who are you?

- I...
- What are you doing here?

- I...
- Why are you in the bathtub?

Wait, I know this one.

I don't know you.
You don't live here.

- Are you a burglar?
- Uh...

Did you break in here
to steal jewelry

and then decide it would be
funny to take a bath?

You look like Zelda but younger.
Are you Zelda but younger?

No, I'm not.
I'm an actual friend

of the people who live here,
and I am going to call the cops

if you don't tell me who you are
and what you are doing

- in this apartment.
- I know...

the short... brunette...

Midge? You're a friend of Midge?

I know all her friends, and I
have never seen you before ever.

Where do you know Midge from?
Where?

- The club.
- What club?

- The...
- Do not mumble.

The Gaslight.

The downtown dumpy,
sticky place?

That still does not explain why
you are here in that bathtub,

which is way too full
of bubbles, by the way.

You don't need to use
the entire bottle.

That's just overkill!

I'm sorry.
I'm having a little trouble

focusing here right now.

I'm very high,

and there's just a lot of words

coming from a little,
yellow light source,

and it's freaking me out.

It feels like a flower's
yelling at me.

Midge.

- Thank God.
- Imogene, what are you doing here?

Who is this thing
in your bathtub?

Oh, th-that's, uh...

Why don't we go in the kitchen?
I'll explain everything.

You stay there.

Where the fuck am I gonna go?

- What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?

- What am I doing here?
- I just mean...

I came to talk to you,
and I found that

sitting in the tub
like a big potato in a soup pot.

Her name is Susie,

and her apartment
is getting fumigated.

She says she knows you
from the club.

Yes. When Joel would play there.

Uh, maybe we could talk
about this later.

I haven't heard word one
from you in weeks,

and now you're trying
to get me to leave?

You were in Iowa
for the holidays.

Joel quit his job.
Did you know that?

- What?
- Right in the middle of their big presentation.

He just walked in with all
the top brass sitting there

and the fancy chart that I
helped Archie make, and he quit.

- Oh.
- Why didn't you call to warn me?

Well, you were in Iowa.

Stop using Iowa
as an excuse for everything.

My family may be dairy farmers,
but they have a phone.

I didn't know
that he was going to quit.

How could you not know?
I thought

you were getting back together.

Who told you
we were getting back together?

- Archie.
- Who told Archie?

- Joel.
- Oh.

Well, I-I've been in Paris,
so I'm a little behind.

- Paris? You were in Paris?
- Yes.

Why didn't you tell me
you were going to Paris?

- When did we stop being friends?
- We're friends, Imogene.

If we were friends,
I would be the one

- taking a bath in your tub.
- You have a tub.

The point is
I don't know anything anymore.

- I don't know you anymore.
- You do.

You were in Paris.
That's in France.

You didn't tell me you were
getting back together with Joel.

- Archie did.
- I didn't get back together with...

It doesn't matter if it's true.
You should've told me.

Just like you should've told me
that Joel was going to quit.

- I didn't...
- What am I supposed to do now?

With Joel gone,
Archie's a sitting duck.

He was Joel's right-hand man.

What if they retaliate
for what Joel did?

They're not the mob, Imogene.

I'm sorry I've been distant.

And I am sorry about Joel.

And believe me,
Archie is going to be okay.

- How do you know?
- I'm brilliant.

Look, I should get back
to Susie,

but I will see you tomorrow
in exercise class?

- You're coming?
- I'm coming.

- You haven't been in weeks.
- I'll be there tomorrow.

I was alone in the front.

I had no one
to feel superior with.

- Alone I just felt like a snob.
- Tomorrow.

- I promise.
- Okay.

And by the way,
it looks like your new friend

used Rose's pink soap.

No one uses Rose's pink soap.

Enjoying your bath?

Immensely.

Just laying here, soaking.

My brain's gone bye-bye.
Everything was perfect

until the vanilla muffin
waltzed in here

- and killed my buzz.
- What did you tell her?

- Who?
- The muffin.

Oh. I don't know.

- You mentioned the Gaslight.
- No.

I'm pretty sure
I didn't mention the Gaslight.

You definitely mentioned
the Gaslight

because she mentioned
the Gaslight.

- She did?
- I have to know what you're saying.

To my friends. To the press.

I know about that interview
you gave to the Village Voice.

You didn't even ask me about it
before you did it.

You just went ahead and...
Do not add more hot water.

- So bossy.
- Get out of the tub.

What? Why?

Because I need to talk to you.

Fine.

- Well, go wait in the hall.
- Why?

What do you mean, why?
I've measured myself.

There's no way I'm gonna be
fucking naked in front of you.

You can't just go around talking
to the press without telling me.

Susie, that paper was
just sitting there. At my work.

If Ginger wasn't so Ginger,
she would've figured it out.

- What?
- You have to tell me

- what you're saying about me before you say it.
- Why?

- What do you mean, why?
- I am your manager.

It is literally my job
to talk about you.

Yes. To club owners,
to bookers at the Stage Deli.

But this was in print.
Anyone could read it.

Thank God
there wasn't a picture.

Ooh, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

- We got to take some pictures.
- No.

Look, press is part
of the game, lady.

You want to know what
that little paragraph

- in the paper got us?
- What?

A gig. A real gig.

A paying gig.
No passing the hat.

A club with booze
and everything.

Midtown? A midtown gig?

- Almost. 15th Street.
- Wow.

- Midway to midtown.
- That's right.

We are midway to midtown.
Isn't it great?

It is. But, Susie, promise,
just check with me

before you give
any more interviews, please.

- Why?
- Because I haven't told anyone yet.

What do you mean
you haven't told anyone yet?

Your fucking husband
was standing right there.

I know, but I haven't told
my friends or my parents.

How have you not told
your parents?

Don't you live
with these people?

Where do they think you go
every night?

- Out.
- Every night?

- I'm very popular.
- Okay.

I mean this
with all due respect.

Your parents are fucking idiots.

- I'm gonna tell them.
- When?

- Soon.
- What are you waiting for?

I thought you made
this decision already.

- I thought you wanted to go for it.
- I do.

This is bullshit.

Aw, Zelda made me a sandwich.

That's sweet.

Do you want to be successful?

Of course I want
to be successful.

Being successful means
that people come to see you,

and when people come to see you,
you become...

what they call in the biz...
famous.

- Yeah. I know.
- Most people who go on stage

want to be famous
'cause it means

they get to play
better theaters.

They get better gigs.
They go on TV.

They go to Morocco
with Bob and Bing.

they give you more money.

Now, that's actually the part
that I find the most appealing.

Money is my main goal.

I don't have any,
and I'd like some.

I want to be famous.
I want money.

I want to go to Morocco
with Bob and Bing.

And I am gonna tell my parents.

They're just...
they're not here right now,

and it's not news
I'd like to break long-distance.

So when they come home.

When they come home,
I come clean.

- And when's that gonna be?
- I don't know.

I swear. I have no idea
when my parents are coming back.

You believe i-in fairy tales.

I do not believe in fairy tales.
I'm a man of science.

The Bible serves its purpose.

It is basically
a moral set of rules.

A-a road map.

Men are not able

to determine right or wrong
without a road map.

- Let me guess. Freud?
- Better. The Bible.

- Oh, dear. We'll meet for lunch?
- See you there.

Au revoir, messieurs.

- Au revoir.
- Au revoir.

Abe, your wife is very,
very attractive.

- Elle est très belle.
- You lucky man.

The luckiest.

So, where were we?

Oh, yes, Sergei's an idiot.

We spent two hours
debating moral nihilism

versus mereological
or compositional nihilism.

At least, I think
that's what we were debating.

I can't be sure.

Either way, it's nihilism,
so who cares?

Anyhow, whatever it was,

it got Sergei all steamed up.

He started arguing with Thierry.

Or Rolf. I don't know. It was
someone to the left of me.

And the next thing I know,
Thierry is crying,

Rolf is singing Brecht,
and I'm decrying

America's national cynicism.

And no one would let
the other person pay the bill.

It was just a terrific,
terrific day.

- Proost.
- Proost.

Today my class went
to the Rodin Museum.

Rodin, aha.

It's in this glorious building
that was his studio

and sort of artists' flophouse
at the same time.

It's a museum now.
I tell you, Abe,

it took my breath away.

The hands on his sculptures,
they're so powerful.

- Massive.
- Hands are great.

- What is this?
- What does it taste like?

- Rodin loves big hands. Go on.
- I can't imagine

how he did it,
how he would look at nothing,

a block of marble,
and see what he saw.

I'd love to show it to you.

- Absolutely. Is it fish?
- Does it taste like fish?

I can't wait
to see Rodin's hands.

What do you think, Simone?

What did Mommy make?

- Bonne nuit, mon amour.
- Bonne nuit, mon amour.

- You're a wonderful man.
- You're a terrible cook.

♪ Alone in the world ♪

♪ Was poor little Anne ♪

♪ As sweet a young child
as you'd find ♪

♪ Her parents had gone ♪

♪ To their final reward... ♪

- Try it again, Tony.
- Back on.

Okay, turn it off.

- How long has this thing been out?
- Four or five days?

Why haven't you gotten it fixed?

Jankel, the guy who comes
and fixes the machines,

- he only comes on Fridays.
- Why?

I don't know. It's only Fridays.

Before 1:00.
That's when he goes to temple.

Only on Fridays. Okay.

- Try it again, Tony.
- Back on.

Well, it's not Gershwin,
but it's moving.

You need a new repairman.

Jankel will be here Friday
before 1:00.

You need a repairman
who comes when things break.

- You can't run things like this.
- I can't?

I've only been doing it
for 30 years.

What the hell do I know?

You're right. Jankel's gone.

You run a factory.
You need machines that work.

Ah, should I have him killed?
Firing may not be enough.

He comes one day a week.
Not even a full day.

- He leaves at 1:00.
- He should skip temple?

You want the man who fixes
our machines to make God angry?

- How does that end well for us?
- You're getting a new repairman.

No, we're not.
And what the fuck did you put

- a coffee machine in for?
- People need a coffee break.

The whole place is lining up
for free coffee.

- Nobody's working.
- Yes, it's a graveyard.

What are you doing here,
anyway, huh?

You were supposed to come by
for a day, look around,

say hi to everyone,
see how things are.

That was two weeks ago.

There's a lot of people
to say hi to.

Plus, I hear
there's free coffee now.

Manny, not sure
you should be smoking there.

I'm by a trash can.

Lots of chemicals and solvents
all over the place.

You remember
the Triangle Shirtwaist fire?

Like it was yesterday.

Get back to work, Manny.

That's the fourth cigarette
break he's taken this morning.

So what? You're so hot
for people taking breaks.

People who work.
I've never seen him work.

- What does Manny do?
- What does he do? Manny does.

That's what Manny does.
Manny does.

Frieda, honey,
you've been sitting there

for four straight hours.

Get up. Take a break.

You're not chained to the table.

- Are you?
- She's not chained to the table.

Go have some coffee.

Oh, look at her go.

- Jesse Owens.
- Pop.

What? It'll take her an hour
to walk across the room

and an hour to get back.

That's half
of her remaining life span.

- Moishe, she won't let me in.
- What?

- Come. Come, come, come, come.
- Where we going?

- Look, look, I'm locked out.
- What's happening?

- Where's he going? Hey.
- Go, go. Get him, get him.

- Hey, hey. Get back here.
- Come back here.

Do not close the...

Let me guess,
it's worse than I thought.

- Oh, much, much worse.
- Terrific.

None of these numbers add up.
A-And this writing.

At first,
I thought it was in Hebrew,

but then I realized
parts are in Yiddish.

And this is ancient Aramaic,

which has been a dead language
for 2,000 years.

Can you figure out
any of the money?

- The figures?
- I think it's a numerical system

that has eliminated the number six.

What?

Coming in, schmuck. You lock me
out of my own office?

What is she doing with my book?

You think I don't have a key
to my own office?

- These books don't make sense.
- Of course they do.

- What do you want to know?
- Well, everything would be nice.

This column
is the money we have.

This column is the money
we will have

as soon as these people
from this column

or that column pay us.

Unless it has a bagel stamp,

which means
it's still being negotiated

but we started the work anyway
in case it works out.

Three flags,
that means the check cleared.

Two flowers,
that means a half and half.

- A half and half?
- Half check, half cash.

Or half cash, half services.

Or half... something
and half something else.

- You have Kaufman and Hart write this bit?
- Uh, can I

just ask you... um, there is
a Sunny spelled with a "U"

and a Sonny with an "O"
and another with an I-E.

Is that the same Sonny?

Of course it's the same Sonny.

It's Sonny. Sonny from Queens.

- Pop, you need an accountant.
- What are you talking about, accountant?

This is a foolproof system
that I invented myself.

Completely secure.

Only I can understand it.

I don't know.

I'll have you know
that we got audited once.

And when the guy took one look
at this book,

we never saw him again.

I paid him off. That's why
we never saw him again.

- Pop, this is crazy.
- Okay.

Enough. You came, you saw.

Thank you for letting me know
that everything I do is wrong

and your mother's accounting
system is a piece of shit.

It really is a piece of shit.

I'm serious. You and you, out.

Well, all right.
But before we leave,

I found this book

in a secret hiding place
in the wall.

No! Put that back. You should
not be looking through that.

This is the special loans book.

- Special loans book?
- What? - SHIRLEY: That's personal.

Don't tell me you're borrowing
money from those guys.

- Once in a while.
- I can't believe this.

You see yourself...
the machines break down.

Those machines are expensive.

How else are we supposed
to get that kind of cash?

- From a bank?
- What are you, a big shot?

Banks don't break your legs
or throw you in a river.

I'm seeing amounts here.
I'm seeing names.

But I'm not seeing any dates
for when the loans are due.

Oh, well, we know
when the loans are due.

A couple of guys break in
in the middle of the night.

They bust up some chairs
and windows.

And that's when we know
the loan is due.

- Shirley, stop helping me.
- What?

- What did I do wrong?
- Nothing, Ma. Relax.

Why don't you go get yourself
a cup of coffee.

There's a machine out there now.

There's a coffee machine?

Oh, what a wonderful idea!

Go home.

You know what, Pop,
I'm not going home.

I'm staying.

I'm gonna go through
those cockamamie books,

and I'm gonna get things
in shape around here.

I'm gonna start by firing the
low-hanging fruit like Manny.

- Manny's not a fruit. He came to your bar mitzvah.
- He's gone.

I'm firing him today.
Along with Pete,

who's in the storage room
playing cards

with two other guys
that I don't know.

They're fired, too.

Every single freeloader
around here, gone.

I'm getting them
off the payroll.

I'm gonna find a fucking
seven-day-a-week repairman.

And once I know this place isn't
being run like a mental asylum,

then I'll go home.

Oh, this coffee is delicious!

She's got to work
on these notes.

Here comes one, with
Andy Griffith bringing it in.

Andy Griffith!

Howdy, Steve. Well...

Who's next for you?

I've got one here, Steve,
from last July,

where they sent up two mice
in a space rocket,

and they-they lost them both.

I heard about that.
It's too bad.

How do they plan
to find them again?

Well, they got it figured out,
Steve.

They figure they're gonna
launch a cat.

A cat. Uh-huh.
Yeah.

Thank you, Andy.
He'll be back in a little bit.

And now, here come
the McGuire Sisters.

Night, Susie.

Night, Ethan.

Look. Should we get it
for Sergei?

Oh, God, no.

- To the market?
- To the market.

I do love our Thursdays.

♪ How are ya
fixed for moonlight? ♪

♪ How are ya fixed for stars? ♪

♪ How are ya
fixed for kissing ♪

♪ While we listen
to soft guitars? ♪

♪ How are ya
fixed for someone ♪

♪ To watch the rain with? ♪

♪ To stroll
down the lane with? ♪

♪ For someone to just go ♪

♪ A little insane with? ♪

♪ How are ya
fixed for memories? ♪

♪ Memories that shine
so bright? ♪

♪ If we let fancy take us ♪

♪ We could make us
a few tonight ♪

♪ How are ya
fixed for someone ♪

♪ Who'll fit your arms
like a glove? ♪

♪ Hey, tell me, baby ♪

♪ How are ya fixed for love? ♪

♪ How are ya fixed for kissin' ♪

♪ While we dig
those wild guitars? ♪

♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪

♪ Who'll fit your arms
like a glove? ♪

♪ Hey, tell me, baby ♪

♪ How are ya fixed for ♪

♪ Tell me, baby ♪

♪ How are ya fixed for love? ♪

♪ I see trees of green ♪

♪ Red roses, too ♪

♪ I see them bloom ♪

♪ For me and you ♪

♪ And I think to myself ♪

♪ What a wonderful world ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ I think to myself ♪

♪ What a wonderful world ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah. ♪

Hello?

Hey, pal, it's Daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

Wow, you're answering
the phone now, huh, buddy?

- Big man now.
- Yeah.

Hey, put your mommy on, okay?

Okay.

Phone!

Hello?

Who the fuck is this?

- Who the fuck is this?
- This is Joel.

- Who?
- Midge's husband. Who are you?

Susie.

- Susie who?
- From the Gaslight.

What the hell are you
doing there?

I don't know.
Why the hell are you calling?

- Midge is my wife.
- Not anymore.

I asked Ethan to put his mother
on... why'd he put you on?

I don't know,
he's your idiot kid.

You know what?

- Is Midge there?
- No.

Can you take a message?

- No.
- Will you take a message?

I need her to meet me.
It's important.

- Hello?
- Fine.

Tell Midge to meet me
at 15 West 40th.

I-I like the molding,

but I may want to
strip the paint off.

- Is that possible?
- It's getting late.

- Knock-knock.
- Midge, great. Come in.

I'd like you to meet
Mr. Greenberg.

Mr. Greenberg owns
the building.

Oh, well, your parents must be
so very proud.

Don't touch anything.
The paint's not dry.

- Well, he's a charmer.
- He's fine.

The most important thing is
he keeps a clean building.

Anyhow, thank you for coming.

- You said it was important.
- I know.

I didn't mean to be dramatic,
but I-I've toured

a lot of shitholes
over the past few weeks,

so when I finally
found this place,

I had to get you down here
before someone else took it.

What are you talking about?
What is this?

Your new apartment.

I really think it's
the perfect place for you.

- For me?
- And Ethan and Esther.

I know it's smaller
than you're used to,

but it's very clean,
it's an elevator building.

It's a great location, halfway
between the club downtown

and your parents' apartment.

There's a great park
a block away.

The butcher's right
around the corner,

and it's right off
three subways.

I can manage it, and you won't
have to work anymore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, who says
I'm gonna stop working?

- Well, you'll have to.
- Oh, I will?

- Why will I have to?
- I...

Am I suddenly unable
to apply lipstick?

- No.
- I can't point to powder?

- You can point.
- I can't spritz a person

with perfume?
That's where my abilities end?

You'll have the kids.
You won't have your parents

or Zelda around.

I figured you'd want to quit.

Oh, you figured.
You figured?

- What's the matter?
- I just don't like you

telling me where I'm gonna live.

I wasn't telling you.

Where are you gonna live, huh?

- Me?
- Yeah, you're still

- at your parents', right?
- Yes.

Well, if you can tell me
where I'm gonna live,

- then I can tell you where you're gonna live.
- Midge.

Turtle Bay.
You're gonna live in Turtle Bay.

- Where the hell is Turtle Bay?
- I don't know.

It's right off three subways.
Have fun!

- Why are you angry?
- I'm not angry.

- It's a nice apartment.
- I had a nice apartment.

- I know.
- And I lost it because of you.

I know.

And it was right off
three subways, too.

It wasn't, actually.

How can you suddenly
afford this?

Huh? You quit your job.

- Right?
- Uh...

Imogene said that
you quit your job,

and now Archie's gonna
get fired.

Why is Archie gonna
get fired?

I don't know. Ask Imogene.

She said that you walked out
and left Archie standing

next to the chart that she made.

- Imogene made that chart?
- Yes.

That was a great chart.

So you get another job?

- Midge, I've got it covered.
- How?

Do you like the apartment
or not?

- No.
- Fine.

Yes, it's very nice.

The phone niche is
particularly delightful.

I'm sorry,
it's not the apartment.

The apartment's fine.
It's just a lot...

I can find my own place.

Okay, find your own place.

Just tell me what it costs
and I'll pay for it.

With the job
you don't have yet?

Midge, give me a break, please?

I'm just trying to do
some fucking thing right here!

I know. I know.

Sorry to drag you out here
like this.

It's a nice place, it's just...

I get it.

I don't want you to live
in Turtle Bay.

I don't either.

Okay.

Well, that's settled.

No, no, no, no, no,
I-I can do this.

I am a learned man, I teach
at a major university.

Fine.

Ah! Thursday, right there.

That says "Thursday."

Bravo. Ethan would be
very proud of you.

See, I hear some very French
sarcasm in that "bravo."

Pas du tout!
That means "not at all."

Are you ready?

For what?

Come on.

Rose, where are you taking me?

Rose, you're being
very mysterious.

Am I? We're here.

It's so exciting.

Voilà!

What is this?

Jeanne, from my class,
her parents own the building.

The tenants just moved out,

so they haven't had the chance
to fix it up yet,

but I just had to
show it to you immediately.

Obviously, it needs some paint

and some repairs here and there,
but look at the view.

Ooh, that's some view.

See over there?
That's your café.

- So it is.
- Five blocks away.

- Ah.
- There are two bedrooms back here.

A perfect little kitchen,
bathroom.

- Look at that ceiling.
- Isn't it marvelous?

I almost don't want them
to fix it up.

It's sort of glorious
in its shabbiness.

We-we could put a sofa there,

some chairs,
right over here your piano.

Ooh, yes.

The acoustics are perfect.

The dining room would
go in here.

We could fit eight comfortably,
ten with a leaf.

And right over here would be
a great place for you to read.

Oh, yes, perfect reading light.

This wall is for bookshelves,
I think a console over here.

A radio, record player...

- Are they dog friendly?
- They're dog friendly.

They have to be dog friendly.

Plus, there's a little park
around the corner

where we could throw
her little ball.

She loves that little ball.

It's special, isn't it?

- Well, it is just a ball.
- No, the apartment.

- Oh, yes, it's magnificent.
- I know.

I mean, I love our little place,

but it's not very practical
for the long term.

Though I will miss the boys, but
we'll just have to get used to

our own bathroom again.

And hot water, we'll have to
get used to hot water again.

Rose.

- Rose.
- Hmm?

We can't buy this apartment.

Why not?

Because we don't live here.

Well, we will
after we buy the place.

In Paris,
we don't live in Paris.

We have to go home.

Paris is home.

No, Rose, it's not.

Why not?

Because my classes at Columbia
start in a week.

I'm a tenured professor.

And if I don't go back,
I'll lose my spot at Bell Labs.

And if I don't go back,
what will I lose?

- Well...
- Drapes will have to be made,

but the shutters will do
for now.

Rose, stop.
Our lives are in New York.

Your friends are in New York.

Your-your garden club
is in New York.

I have friends here, too.
So do you.

- What friends?
- What are you talking about?

Thierry, Rolf, Sergei.
Have you forgotten about them?

Of course not.

You're part of their group;
you're-you're one of them.

I am not one of th... I have no
idea what they're talking about.

They could be sitting there
saying, "That idiot, Abe,

"thinks we like him.
Let's set his coat on fire,

and see how long it takes him
to notice."

Well, not Thierry,
he cries too much,

but Sergei,
he looks like a pyro.

That's not true;
they're kindred spirits.

They all drink 40 cups
of coffee a day

and switch to absinthe at noon.

They all have wives
and girlfriends.

- So what?
- I don't want a girlfriend.

I'm still getting used
to a maid.

I am not French.
I'm different.

You're adjusting.
Y-You're learning the language.

"Thursday,"
I learned "Thursday."

W-Wednesday can't be far behind.

Rose.

I want to go home.

This has been
a wonderful vacation...

...but it's time to go back
to our life.

What life?

My daughter does not want
my guidance.

You have no need for my input.

I'm alone in New York.

Here, I have art.

I have independence;
no one looks at me with pity.

- No one looks at you...
- Poor Rose, she's too fragile

to be told the truth,
too delicate to confide in.

She'll shatter.

Here in Paris, I'm...

shatterproof.

I'm-I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'll never do it again.

And I-I promise
we will figure out a way

to make it better
once we get back.

But we have to go back.

Do you hear me?

Rose.

Rosie.

Wait.

Smell that?

Smells like cheap beer and piss.

I know. Exciting, right?

Hi. I'm working here tonight.

- I'm a comic.
- Oh.

What's up her ass?

Tone down the perk.

We're in a real club now.

Sorry.

Fuck you, keep walking.

There you go.

Aha. There he is.

Bobby, hi.

Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson
and Associates.

I don't need that.
You're my girl comedian?

- Yes, I am.
- All right.

I have you down
for an eight-minute slot.

Eight minutes. Eight minutes.
Eight minutes?

- I'll talk fast.
- Eight minutes is great.

Here's four drink tickets.

You're up third.

- Third. Good slot.
- Really?

Are you kidding?
Third is perfect.

The crowd is warmed up
but not worn out.

Yeah? Okay. Third. Great.

How do I look?
Hair? Makeup? Teeth?

Excuse me.
Uh, Mrs. Maisel, is it?

- Midge is fine.
- Oh.

Midge is fine.
Isn't Midge fine?

Bobby told us there was a lady
comic coming on tonight.

Didn't tell us
she was quite so pretty.

- Well, thank you.
- That is a lovely dress.

Susie Myerson.
I'm her manager.

So you're the girl
from the Gaslight gig, right?

Lenny Bruce's girl.

Oh, I'm not his girl,
just his friend.

So what kind of act do you do?

Birds? Violin? Wait... singer.

- Nope.
- Oh, you should sing.

You'd clean up as a singer.

But I-I don't sing.

It doesn't matter,
just wear that dress.

Hey, so one colleague to
another, uh, you and Lenny...?

Me and Lenny what?

Well, what he did for you,
that was pretty big.

You must've done something
pretty big for him first, right?

Nothing but respect if you did.

Hey, I'd sleep with Lenny Bruce
if he asked.

- The man is a god.
- She did not fucking sleep with Lenny Bruce.

- Yeah.
- And even if she did,

that's not why he did the gig.

I-I didn't sleep with him.

I know, but my point is,

even if you did,
it doesn't matter.

- Yeah, but I didn't.
- I know, but if you did...?

For fuck's sake.

Wow, little lady's got
a potty mouth.

Lenny teach you that also?

- Well, I like them.
- Oh, relax.

Odds are at least one of them
has late-stage syphilis.

I'm getting a drink.

- You want one?
- Nope.

- You want to sit?
- Nope.

I am going to stay fresh.

Okay, well,
as long as you're okay

with me sitting and drinking,
we're good.

Hey, everybody,
I'm Bobby Stelter,

your humble host
for the evening.

Are you guys in the mood
for a fantastic show?

All right,
then what you want to do

is walk outside
and catch a cab to the Copa

'cause it ain't happening here.

Now, let's bring up
our first comic.

He's Canadian, but don't
hold that against him.

Joey Parker!

Thanks, Bobby.

True story.

Before John Wayne was famous,
he was a prop man on movie sets.

But what if he never
became "The Duke"

and was still working
behind the scenes?

Could you see him having to be
James Mason's prop guy?

Well, here ya go, pilgrim.

A gun?

Why are you handing me a gun?

It's a Colt Single Action.

They'll know who's boss.

- Mrs. Maisel.
- Yes, here.

- Put your hand down.
- Slight change.

You're gonna go on
fourth now, okay?

Oh, sure. Fourth.

- Fourth is, fourth is...
- Better.

- Really?
- Much better. Fourth is perfect.

I thought you said third
was perfect.

Mm, fourth is more perfect.

I didn't want to say it before
'cause you were going on third,

but fourth is so much better.

Yo, barkeep.

I used to be a lawyer

and I was terrible at it.

I would hear
the other lawyers' arguments

and I'd start to look
at my client sideways like,

"Yeah, you do seem guilty."

- You sure you don't want to sit?
- Staying fresh.

Okay, well, see, here's what's
good about going on fourth.

I'm listening.

Gives you time to look around,
take in the room.

- What am I looking for?
- Material.

- For example, you see that lady?
- Yeah. Ooh, that hat.

Exactly. That hat is screaming
to be talked about.

That hat is the fat girl in
a family full of beauty queens.

I can do something with that.

Hey, doll, what's with the hat?

Going to a Minnie Pearl
look-alike contest later?

Howdy!

Shit. Minnie Pearl. So easy.

Work for it a little at least.

Bobby, I have another spot
tonight uptown.

At this rate,
I'll never get there.

- Stan...
- You want me to miss the gig?

I won't get paid
and my little girl's

gonna have to go without braces.

She's gonna go through life
looking like Tim Tam

'cause you got an Italian watch.

Okay, okay. You're up next.

- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Yup.

- Mrs. Maisel, listen, I'm sorr...
- Yeah, we heard.

You've already bumped her.
Bump someone else.

Stan's a regular. He's been
working here four years.

He brings people in.

You work here four years,
you bring people in, we'll talk.

So, going fifth
is better 'cause...?

The audience is drunker?
Lowers the bar.

All right, let's keep
this cavalcade of comedy

moving along, right?

All right, next up,
a lot of you know his work.

He's always funny,
always polite and discreet,

our very own Stan Benning!

- Stan!
- Thanks, Bobby. Mwah!

Hey, look at you.

Lots of beautiful women
in the audience.

Too bad I'm married.

My wife looks like
a work of art, a Picasso.

You know, Disney has a new movie
about a princess

called Sleeping Beauty

and a new movie about my wife
called, "Not now, I'm sleeping."

Oh, and hey, we got a girl comic
coming up in a little bit.

That ought to be entertaining.

Madge or Marjorie,
something like that.

Don't get too excited, fellas.

She keeps her clothes on.

Plan to laugh at something
the guy next to you says

'cause I ain't vouching
for Madge,

though I hear
she's a hell of a singer.

Fill her up!
You sure you don't...?

Fresh, remember?

I'd work up a hot rendition of
"Swanee" if I were you, Madge.

- Aah! Shit.
- Pop.

- Jesus.
- What the hell are you doing here?

- What does it look like?
- You have got to find a girl.

- What time is it?
- 11:30.

I checked downstairs already.

We're probably clear
for the night.

They would've come by now.

Okay.

- Pop.
- Yeah?

You want to get a drink?

You remember the last time
we sat like this,

you and me, a couple of drinks,
a couple of bats?

- Nope.
- Yeah, me, either.

Well, you have a life to live.

We have to talk
about the factory.

- No, we don't.
- The place is a mess.

- It's not a mess.
- Okay, it's not a mess.

Well, it's a little bit
of a mess.

- How? How did it get this bad?
- I don't know.

A year ago you were doing fine.

You know, when I started
this business,

I knew it would do well.
I was a determined guy.

I had a brain cell or two,
plus I didn't have a choice.

Wasn't gonna sell pickles
off a pushcart

like my father did.

But then it took off like a shot

and now I feel like I've been
running a fucking marathon

for 20 years.

Next thing I know, I got loans,

padded payrolls
and your mother's books.

The son of a bitch landlord is
threatening to triple the rent

because he knows I can't move

and you know what
the real problem is?

- You should've found a Roth.
- Should've found a Roth.

Wasn't enough just
to put it on the sign.

Where are your guys, Pop?

Where's Carl, Izzie, Benny?

Benny's gone.
Left six months ago.

Izzie's been dipping
in and out lately.

I don't trust Izzie.
Carl's sick.

He's technically still
on the payroll, but...

Listen... I'm gonna stay.

- Stay where?
- I'm gonna stay with the company.

- Wait, wait a minute.
- Help get things back on track.

Not forever. Understand?

- But longer than I had intended to.
- No.

We have to get this figured out.

We need an accountant or
a shaman to fix those books

and we have to take care
of the landlord.

How are you gonna do that?

- We're gonna buy the building.
- Ah!

You got the crazy
from your mother.

Padded cell for two.
Visiting day will be nice.

- We'll take out a loan.
- Another loan.

A real loan from a bank.

I can help you, Pop.
You need me.

And for all this
white knight bullshit,

I expect you want to be paid?

You bet your ass
I want to be paid.

So you need me.

Okay, yes.

How do I know this all
isn't just a whim?

How do I know you won't just
walk out when you're not happy?

My name's Maisel, too, Pop.

The Maisel name
is on that building

and it's gonna stay
on that building.

Listen, I want you
to talk to Uncle Moe.

My friend Archie, I kind of
hung him out to dry when I quit.

I want you to tell Uncle Moe
to take care of him.

He can't be fired.

Now you want me to tell my
brother how to run his business?

Archie's a good man.
He deserves his spot there.

Okay. I do that for you and
in return you hire Manny back.

- What? No.
- If Manny goes, his wife Gloria goes.

Gloria is my best seamstress.
Without her, I'm sunk.

And Pete...?

The schmuck playing cards
in the storeroom?

His wife Bernice does
all my best embroidery.

He went, she went.

I need her back, too.

Okay, Manny and Pete
can come back to work,

but they have to fucking work.

- Yeah. Good luck with that.
- So what? We have a deal?

I'm back until things
are straightened out,

until you're whole.

Yeah.

Remember, it's not permanent.

- I am not your Roth.
- I know that.

You're a Maisel.

Jews come
from all over the world.

In my family alone,
my grandparents speak

five different languages, which
means that I know how to say,

"Why aren't you married?"
in five different languages.

I got circumcised
when I was eight days old.

Only one ticket left. Fuck it.

Hey, bar guy.

Are you okay?

I fell off the stool
like I'm Dylan Thomas.

Okay, you're up.

Great. How do I look?

Hey. Get up. Manage shit.

Sorry. Okay.

Remember to wait
for the laughs completely.

- You were rushing last week.
- I know. I'll remember.

...money and a hand job.

- Okay. Tits up.
- Tits up.

Well, that's it for me tonight.
You've been a great audience.

Everybody,
you're not gonna believe it,

but someone just walked
in the door

and there's no way he's leaving
without doing his thing.

Jackie Vernon, get up here, man.

Jackie Vernon!

Let him hear it.

Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen. Thank you.

Tonight I'd like
to talk about rejections.

My personal rejections
brought on a weight problem.

Every time a girl
would refuse me a date,

I'd eat a piece
of Bavarian cream pie.

One day I ate 238 pieces
of Bavarian cream pie.

So close, and then he shows up.

But don't worry. He's gonna be
really easy to follow.

He's just super warming
the place up for you.

Like he's doing you a favor.

Thought you had to be somewhere.

And miss Jackie Vernon?
Not a chance.

My doctor told me to cut
out all sugar and use saccharin.

I used so much saccharin,
I developed artificial diabetes.

Okay, that's it.
I'll have a martini.

We're out of drink tickets.

I-I need something to eat, too.

Oh, hot dogs.
Two hot dogs.

Pay him for the hot dogs.

This is turning out
to be a very expensive gig.

Well, at least you're not
wearing the same outfit.

I should have seen this coming.

This whole day has been weird.

Joel decided
to find me an apartment.

Good. It's time that loser did
something other than his hair.

My own apartment.
I never lived on my own.

I went from my parents,
to college,

back to my parents, to Joel.

I feel like I've been living
alone since I was nine.

I'm a little scared.

I mean, what happens
when the toilet clogs?

You get a plunger
and plunge all the shit out.

Ugh!

You are gonna die on your own.

They're gonna find you
on the floor half eaten

by your feral children, still
clutching the fucking plunger.

Hey, new subject.

Got a telegram from my parents.

Oh. They're coming home?

They're coming home.

We have to figure out
your living situation.

Hey, you were the one
who was scared.

I'm fine going back
to my apartment.

Uh-uh.

If you are shy, timid and meek,

you shouldn't be too worried
about it

because the meek
will inherit the earth.

They wouldn't have the nerve
to refuse it.

Oh, come on.

What's your problem?

I have mustard on my dress.

Oh, yeah, right on your tit.

It's not working.

Of course not.
That's tequila.

- Try gin.
- Look at me.

Look at my dress.
It's all wrinkled and stained.

I told you
I shouldn't sit down.

- I didn't tell you to sit down.
- You motioned.

I'm drunk. I was probably
grabbing the air for balance.

How am I going
to go up there like this?

Oh, don't worry.
This guy's never getting off.

I'm wrinkled, I'm stained.

- Plus...
- Plus what?

Well...
you're a little pungent.

I am not pungent.

I am downwind.
I kind of know.

Never. Never.

I have never
in my life been...

What is that?

- That's you.
- It's...

No, that's...

Well, what do you expect?

I sweat a little
before I go on,

which has happened four times
so far tonight.

Well, folks, I don't want you
to get excited or panicky,

but I just finished.

How about a hand for the suit?

Hey, he's done.
Get ready.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

The master,
ladies and gentlemen.

Who could possibly
follow him, huh?

Well, you're about to find out.

They're leaving.

- They smelled me.
- Just get up there.

Hey, where you going?
Sit down. Sit back down.

Hey, the best is yet to come.
The show is not over.

- Sit your ass back down!
- Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome an adorable lady who,

if she can't make you laugh,
can at least make you dinner.

Mrs. My-zell.

Maisel, asshole. Maisel!

- Tits up.
- Arms down.

- Hey, where's the light?
- The light guy left.

What the fuck?
She needs a spot.

Uh, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Mrs. Maisel.

Follow my voice!

Uh, it's-it's so nice
to be here.

It's nice of you to stay.

I was supposed
to go on earlier, a lot earlier,

- before I looked like this.
- Yeah.

Anyone have a comb?

Women would get that

because there's-there's no way
a comb could fix this.

A bomb would help.

Group blindness would
work wonders.

Anyhow, it wasn't
that great a joke.

Or even a joke.

Uh, an amusing observation,
perhaps.

A wry comment, if you will.

I'm sorry.
I feel so unfocused right now.

I was really
in the pocket earlier,

ready, fresh.

Then I had a drink, and...

This is mustard.

Here.

As big a mess as my dress
is now, my life is worse.

It's changing so fast.

I was married,
I'm not married.

I'm going to have to live alone
with my two children.

It's all going to be up to me

to take care of them,
of myself, of the toilet.

So many goals I had
as a young woman.

Plunging was never one of 'em.

I don't want my own apartment.

Thanks, pal.

I don't want my own apartment.

I-I don't feel ready, mentally,
to have my own keys,

my own plumbing,
my own angry Ukrainian super.

I don't feel prepared

to take on that kind
of responsibility alone.

The only thing I feel prepared
to take on, right now,

at this very minute,

is those fucking losers
at the bar.

I mean, look at them.

The "before" picture
in a Charles Atlas

male virility enhancement ad,

just standing there,
waiting for me to bomb.

It's midnight on a Tuesday

and the highlight
of their evening

is the possibility
of seeing a chick fail.

Am I supposed to find them
intimidating?

'Cause-'cause all I see
is a lineup of men

who had to go into comedy
just to get laid.

Seriously.

We know that if, say,
Eugene over there,

came up to you at a bar
in his big-boy suit,

with his tiny baby hands,

and no opening line
pre-written for him,

he'd be sent crawling home alone

to whack off in his onesie.

And Stan...

- Ooh!
- ...who has a voice that bored a thousand ships

into sinking themselves.

If he couldn't say
to some unwitting female,

"I got a gig downtown
in an hour," he'd have to say,

"My mother should be
asleep by now."

All comics are comics

'cause something in their lives
went horribly wrong.

Something went to shit.

Either their hairline, Eugene.

Or their personal lives. Me.
And Stan.

I-I don't even need to know the
details, but looking at Stan,

you just want to apologize

and tell him everything's
gonna be okay,

which it won't...
'cause it's Stan.

But men,
those over there, and men in general,

think that they are the
only ones who get to use comedy

to close up those holes
in their soul.

They run around telling everyone
that women aren't funny,

only men are funny.

Sorry. Give me a minute.
God, this thing is heavy.

- Okay, go ahead.
- Now, think about this.

Comedy is fueled by oppression,

by the lack of power,

by sadness and disappointment,

by abandonment

and humiliation.

Now, who the hell does that
describe more than women?

Judging by those standards,

only women should be funny.
And Stan.

Speaking of things that
women and Stan have in common,

have you heard this term

"child bearing hips"?

You've been a great audience,
everyone.

I'm Mrs. Maisel.
Thank you. Good night.

On the way out,
everyone give the boys a hug.

Or better yet,
some fresh material.

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Shit, lady!

You should stink more often.

What the hell was that?

Those are two of my best comics
you shit all over tonight.

Well, they started it.

How am I supposed
to get them back here

after I let some snot-nosed
chick-comic take them down

in front of a room
full of people?

- It wasn't really full.
- A lot of them had left already.

Doesn't matter!
You don't come into my club

and talk like that
to my best earners.

People come in
to see those guys.

Nobody comes in to see you

'cause nobody knows
who the fuck you are!

Now here, take your money
and get out of here

before I decide never
to book you in this place again.

- Our first gig!
- Yeah!

♪ Where has the time all gone? ♪

- Santé.
- Santé.

Okay, boys, and the
last round is on me.

♪ We'll catch up ♪

♪ Some other time ♪

♪ Just when the fun
is starting ♪

♪ Comes the time
for parting... ♪

- ♪ But let's be glad... ♪
- All set.

Oh, monsieur Weissman.

Good-bye, Marie. Au revoir.

Uh-huh.

I appreciated the extra towels.

♪ Still to be done ♪

♪ But time is racing ♪

♪ Oh, well ♪

♪ We'll catch up ♪

♪ Some other time... ♪

Au revoir, Rose!

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

- ♪ We'll catch up ♪
- Bye-bye.

♪ Some other ♪

♪ Time. ♪

Zelda, the dean of admissions

will be coming
for dinner tonight.

He heard about
our trip to France

and wants to have
something French.

- What can you make that's French?
- Nothing.

What can you make that
we can say is French, isn't,

- but he'll never know?
- Goulash.

Perfect.

I'm done.

He ate his breakfast.
How did that happen?

I put chocolate chips
in his eggs.

You're a genius. It's nice
to have you home, Mama.

Miriam, will you be home
for dinner?

We're having authentic
French goulash.

I'm pulling
a double shift today.

Well, we haven't seen
much of you since we got back.

Never heard what you were up to
while we were gone.

I have five to eight minutes.
Want to give me the highlights?

Well, I just...

hung out. I hung out.

Okay. Good talk.
I'll be home at 6:00.

See you later, Mama.

- So, you'll meet me at 10:00?
- Meet you where?

- My office.
- At Columbia?

Of course. We had this
discussion, don't you remember?

I have absolutely
no memory of this.

They don't let women
audit the art history classes

unless they're grad students.

However, I talked to
the head of the department,

and he said he would
make an exception

but wanted to know what classes.

What classes what?

What classes you
wanted to audit.

For God's sake, keep up, woman.

- Are you serious?
- I told him we'd come by at 10:15.

His office is
right next to mine,

but I was taking into account
your slow pace in those heels.

So, yes?

- Yes.
- Good.

See you then.

Oh, and I signed us up for
dance classes, Arthur Murray.

We can't be caught out again
like that night on the Seine.

I mean, we were adorable,
but our technique was terrible.

Zelda, we're gonna serve
coq au vin tonight. I'll help.

What? What did you say?
Did you say you'll help?

Help me cook?
Are you feeling all right?

Should I call a doctor?

♪ The butcher, the baker ♪

♪ The grocer, the clerk
are secretly ♪

♪ Unhappy men because ♪

♪ The butcher, the baker ♪

♪ The grocer, the clerk ♪

♪ Get paid for what they do ♪

♪ But no applause ♪

♪ They'd gladly bid
their dreary jobs ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ For anything theatrical ♪

♪ And why? ♪

Fuck.

♪ There's no business
like show business ♪

♪ Like no business ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ Everything about it ♪

♪ Is appealing ♪

♪ Everything that traffic ♪

♪ Will allow ♪

♪ Nowhere could you get
that happy feeling ♪

♪ When you are stealing ♪

♪ That extra bow ♪

♪ There's no people ♪

♪ Like show people ♪

♪ They smile ♪

♪ When they are low ♪

♪ Even when they tell you ♪

♪ That your show will fold ♪

♪ You may be stranded ♪

♪ Out in the cold ♪

♪ Still you wouldn't change it ♪

♪ For a sack of gold ♪

♪ Let's go on with the show ♪

♪ There's no people ♪

♪ Like show people ♪

♪ They smile when ♪

♪ They are low ♪

♪ Yesterday they told you ♪

♪ You would not go far ♪

♪ That night you open ♪

♪ And there you are ♪

♪ Next day on your
dressing room ♪

♪ They've hung a star ♪

♪ Let's go on ♪

♪ With the show. ♪