All language subtitles for The.Cheap.Detective.1978.WEBRip.x264-RARBG_eng

[***]

[FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE]

[FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE]

[HARBOR BELL DINGING]

[SIRENS WAIL]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[SIRENS CONTINUE]

What've we got?

Someone who was pretty good
with a silencer.

There's four bodies in here.

Three of 'em as cold
as yesterday's toast.

The last one
is ready to pop up.

Take a look.

Shot clean as a whistle.

He was dead two minutes
before he stopped talking.

MAN:
Who was he calling?

The city morgue.

We figure he saw
the bullet coming.

Number two
is in the elevator.

Whoever did it shoots fast.

Didn't even have time
to fall down.

Never saw a dead witness
that could identify you.

Where are the others?

Scrubwoman on the third floor
and a guest in 306.

Let's go.

Three, please.

We'll walk.

Let's have a look, boys.

Bullet must have hit
her spinal column.

We couldn't bend her.

Probably have to bury her
like that.

Number four is in here.

This is the joker
they were really after.

Some drunk across the hall
found him.

Came in, talked
for about an hour and a half,

when he noticed he wasn't
getting any answers.

Who is he?
Floyd Merkle.

Runs a
two-bit detective agency

on Third and Bulldyke.

Partner's name
is Lou Peckinpaugh.

Looks like a setup.

Whose room was it?

An Oriental.
Checked in on Wednesday.

Name was, uh, Wun Fat Ching.

Wun Fat Ching?

Yeah. Registered his
hometown as Pecan, China.

Peking.

No. Pecan.
Like the nut.

No other leads,

except one interesting fact.

His partner,
Peckinpaugh,

was having an affair
with Merkle's wife Georgia

for the past
nine years.

Merkle here
never caught on.

Hell of a detective.

I wouldn't hire him
to find warts on a frog.

Lieutenant,

found two more stiffs
next door.

That's the trouble
with hotels.

Everybody checks out
at the same time.

Elderly couple.
They moved in last night.

They must have heard
everything that went on

in the next room.

If they'd had a radio
to listen to,

those two kids
would be alive today.

Let's pay a visit

to the widow Merkle.

[RINGING]

Yeah?

Lou. It's Georgia.

Oh, hello, Georgia.

I just had ya on my mind.

What's new, kid?

Floyd is dead.

Say that again.

Lou, it's Georgia.

No, after that.

Floyd is dead.
Shot in Chinatown.

I talked to the police, Lou.

I think they know
about us having an affair.

When did they leave
your apartment?

They didn't.

They're standing right next
to me now, listening.

Oh, Jesus.

I loved him, Lou.

You know I loved Floyd.

I know, angel.

Almost as much as I love you.

You killed him because
you're crazy about me,

didn't you, Lou?

Did the cops hear you say that?

They said yes.

Don't call me anymore, Georgia.

I don't think
we're good for each other.

[RINGS]

Yeah?

Mr. Peckinpaugh?

I think I have some information

regarding the untimely death,

of your late, deceased,
murdered partner.

Who is this?

As the Chinese say,

"never mind."

We must be careful.
I'm being watched.

Can we meet in your office

in 15 minutes?

All right.
What time is it now?

I'd rather not tell you that

until I know I can trust you.

DRIVER:
Should I keep the change?

LOU:
No. I'll keep the change.

Get me homicide.

Oh!

Never mind.

I'm sorry.

I-- I must have dropped off.

I'm glad you spoke up.

I was just gonna arrange
to have you buried.

I haven't had
much sleep lately.

I've-- I've been
under a great strain.

I don't suppose
you'd have a drink?

[CHUCKLES]

Dry martini?

Oh.

Olive or onion?

Onion, please.

Thank you.

You're the first person
who's shown me any kindness

since I arrived
in San Francisco.

And when was that,
Mrs.--?

Manderley. Denise Manderley.

Two days ago
from Shanghai. Uh--

May I have my things,
please?

You're not a U.S. citizen?

I spend a great deal
of my time abroad.

Uh, actually, I--

I travel
under a Danish passport.

This signature has been
tampered with.

Your name
isn't Denise Manderley, is it?

No. It's Wanda Coleman.

Then why does your driver's
license say Gilda Dabney?

I believe my life
is in danger.

That's why I've taken
so many precautions.

My real name
is Chloe Lamarr.

Well, thank you,
Miss Lamarr.

I appreciate
your honesty.

Now can tell me why you
let yourself in

with this passkey
to search my office?

What is it that you
were looking for?

[LAUGHS]

Well, to be perfectly frank,
your bathroom.

I don't have any.

Yes. I found that out
a little too late.

All right.
Can we stop playing games now?

It isn't Manderley or Coleman

or Dabney or even Lamarr, is it?

The initials on this
handkerchief are A.P.

What does A.P. Stand for?

Alma Chalmers.

Chalmers begins with a "C."

This is a "P."

Palmers. Alma Palmers.

Listen.

You give me the runaround
one more time,

and I'm gonna
slap you around this office.

I don't care
what your name is anymore.

Just make one up
so I know what to call you.

Vivian Purcell.

That's better.
Carmen Montenegro.

That's my last one,
I promise.

Don't be cross with me,
Mr. Peckinpaugh.

Now more than ever,
I depend on the gentleness

and understanding
of strangers.

What do you know
about Floyd Merkle's death?

Nothing, of course.
Why should I?

You called me 15 minutes ago

telling me you knew something.

A woman knows many things.

About Floyd Merkle's death?

I don't think so.
Why would a woman know that?

[LAUGHS]

Then why did you call me?

Could I have
a little air, please?

I'm feeling rather dizzy.

Is that any better?

Yes, thank you.

I'm-- I'm afraid
I got sick all over

your filing room in there.

Oh, that's my
clothes closet,

but don't worry
about it.

Go on.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I have a niece, Caroline.

She's 17.

Attends boarding school
at the Hail Mary, Hail Mary,

Sister Therese
Convent and Kennels.

Kennels?
Isn't that for dogs?

Well, I'm afraid
none of the girls

were very pretty.

Two weeks ago,
she climbed over the wall

and disappeared.

And she has
not been heard from since.

I hired Mr. Merkle
to find her,

and, uh,
he called me tonight

telling me that
he had a lead.

Well, that's not
much to go on,

but I'll do
the best I can.

As for the fee, I'll settle
for what you owe Merkle.

I'm sorry
I went pookey-pookey

on your trench coat.

It's all right.

It's all part
of this dirty game.

You must be tired.

Why don't you run along now,

and, uh, I'll call you
as soon as I get something.

Uh, I've moved
to the Fairmont,

and I'm registered
as Diane Glucksman.

Yeah, well,
don't change it,

because it makes it hard
to leave ya messages.

LOU:
Sorry. No tip. War veteran.

[HUFFS]

[SIGHS]

I thought I told you
to stay away from here.

Don't be angry with me, Lou.

I had to see you.

They brought Floyd's body home.

I just couldn't sleep
in the same bed with him.

Not tonight.

Lou.
Your husband's dead
a little over an hour,

and you're already
dressed in black?

How long you had that outfit
waiting in the closet?

You're wrong.
I just bought it.

There's an all-night
widow shop

at Fifth and Geary.

Oh, aren't you gonna
kiss me, Lou?

You shouldn't have come here.

The police already think
I killed Floyd

to clear the way
for you and me.

Are you sure the police
didn't follow you here?

I'm positive.
They came with me.

This is definitely
our last date, Georgia.

Mind answerin'
a few questions downtown, Lou?

We are downtown.

Then this'll be fine.

Floyd Merkle was killed
at 10:17 tonight.

Where were you?

I was home in bed.

I got up around 10:15
and I went into the john.

I got out around 10:20.

Anybody see ya
go in the bathroom?

Yeah, seven
or eight people.

They came in to watch me
one at a time.

I got their names and addresses
written on a pad.

Don't press your luck,
Shamus.

Get him off my back.

Get off his back.

What did you and Merkle

argue about last Monday night?

It's all right.

Tell them, darling.

Don't call me darling
in front of the police

with a dead husband.

I didn't like it that he
was takin' on clients

without tellin' me.

That's what
I told them, Lou.

I didn't mention anything
about him busting in,

and finding us
in the gorilla costumes.

Honey, why don't you
go in the kitchen

and bake a couple
dozen doughnuts?

LIEUTENANT:
What case was Floyd working on?

Why don't you ask him
yourself?

Because he's dead.

Well, you two should have
a very nice conversation.

I'm warning you, Lou.

You withhold
anything from me,

and you're gonna be giving
the Golden Gate Bridge

a new coat of paint,

with your tongue.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

You're goin' out
on that case, aren't ya?

Oh, Lou.

Come away with me tonight.

We'll move someplace
where the fog never rolls in,

and a man can see what a woman
looks like in the morning.

Being a private eye
may not be much,

but we do have
a code of honor.

It's all right to fool around
with your partner's wife,

but once he's dead
it makes it all so dirty.

That's the way it is, angel.

You marry yourself a nice guy,

have a couple of swell kids.

Once you're all set up
and happy,

maybe we can
fool around again.

Guys like you
all end up the same, Lou.

You're so busy

chasing after runaway girls

and missing husbands,

you never stop long enough

to find out what life
is really all about.

One day I'll see your picture
in the papers,

layin' in a gutter
with a bullet hole in your back,

and a horse makin'
doo-doo all over you.

And maybe I'll cry for ya,

but don't hold your breath.

You need any dough, kid?

I'm okay.

I got $10,000
insurance money.

An hour after the murder?

It's that company
that pays on the spot.

So long, Lou.

It was nice cheatin' with ya.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yeah?

[MAN WITH HEAVY ACCENT]:
Don't hang up.

I didn't even say hello.

I know where the girl is.

Keep talkin'.

Oh...

So now you're interested, eh?

Who is this?

Not on the phone.

Meet me at Nix Place

on the waterfront
in half an hour.

How will I know
what you look like?

I'm swarthy and greasy

and wear cheap perfume.

You'll smell me
when you come in.

Suppose I say
I'm not interested?

Does $500 interest you?

Very much.

Then bring it.

It's an expensive restaurant.

[SNORTS AND LAUGHS]

Phew.

[SWING BAND PLAYS]

You're expected,
Mr. Peckinpaugh.

This way, please.

Your party will join you
in a moment.

Hiya, Mr. Lou.

I thought you said you'd
never come back to this--

But I did.

Hello, Tinker. Has she ever--?

No, she hasn't.

Right.

Would you like me to play--?

No.
Right.

Ah, Colonel Schlissel,

you do my humble cafe
a great honor.

Your little club reminds me
of the fighting strength

of the French army, Marcel.

Nothing more than
an evening's diversion.

[LAUGHTER]

You make a little joke,
monsieur.

Well, if you and your
two friends

will follow me, I will show you

to your usual
world-dominating table.

[BAND PLAYING FANFARE]

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

let's have a big
San Francisco welcome,

for Miss Betty DeBoop!

[APPLAUSE]

* Ooh *

* Ooh *

[VOCALIZING "LA VIE EN ROSE"]

* La, la, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la la, la *

* La, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la. la. la, la, la *

* En *

* Rose *

Now everybody!

La, la, la, la,
la, la, la !

Hm.

ALL:
* La, la, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la
La, la *

* La, la, la, la
La, la, la *

Now, just the boys!

* La, la, la, la *

* La, la, la *

* La, la, la, la
La, la *

Now just the girls!

* La, la-- *

[CHUCKLES]

* La, la, la, la
La, la *

* La, la, la, la
La, la *

Now just me.

* La, la, la, la *

* La, la, la *

* La, la, la, la
La, la *

* La, la *

* En *

* Rose *

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Hello, Fred.
I was hoping you'd drop by.

The name is Lou,
and we've never met.

Let's not get into a sweat
about details.

Aren't you gonna light my fire?

Certainly.

I was just lookin' over
your kindlin' wood.

[MATCH STRIKES]

If you're not busy, Fred.
I get off at two.

Don't you think two's
a good time to get off on?

Gentlemen, may I present
Miss Betty DeBoop,

from the islands.

Caribbean or Virgin?

Well, let's just say
I came back a Caribbean.

[MEN LAUGH]

How delightfully gauche.

I've always been enchanted
with a lack of breeding.

Permit me to introduce myself.

I am Colonel Prince Count
Baron Von Schlisseldorf,

German military attache
to Cincinnati.

[HEELS CLICK]

Don't crack your shins
on my account, boys.

[LAUGHTER]

The party will see you now.

He's in booth seven.

Phew.

Merci.

They just called
from the French underground.

Quiet, you fool!

There are enemy
ears all over.

Lower your voice!

Shh, shh.

What is it?

[WHISPERING]

Well, now it's too low.
I didn't hear anything.

Testing. One, two? Testing?
That's better. That's better.

Now, what is it?

The underground has called.

DuChard and his wife
are on their way here.

I tried to stop them,
but I was too late.

That's why Schlissel
comes every night,

hoping one day to get
his hands on DuChard.

I don't think
that's completely true.

I think he really likes
the roast veal.

[SNORTS]

MAN:
Please do come in,
Mr. Peckinpaugh.

Pepe Damascus, at your disposal.

[GASPS]

I hope my disgustingly
cheap perfume

does not offend you.

I purposely stink

to keep my enemies
from getting too close.

Well, they're better off
than your friends are.

You said you knew
where the girl is.

I do know
where the girl is.

You're very impatient,
Mr. Peckinpaugh.

Would you care for some
Greek Kasseri?

All right, quit stalling.

You got something to say,
talk fast.

Very well.

There is no young
niece Caroline or Priscilla

or whatever
Mrs. Danvers told you.

She also didn't tell me
it was Mrs. Danvers.

It was she who hired
your partner,

to search for a certain
missing object d'art.

Talk faster,
because I can't take

much more
of your voice.

Perhaps she
killed Mr. Merkle

in fear that he would
double-cross her.

A dangerous woman?

Does oatmeal have lumps?

In Cairo she put a live
electric wire

in my bathtub.

Fortunately I survived,

but I used
to have straight hair.

Am I right in assuming then,

that you want me
to work for you?

Precisely.

Help me find
the missing object,

and I shall split a fortune
with you, 50-50.

Shall we shake on it?

If we do, I want 60-40.

[WHEEZY, SNORTING LAUGH]

How do you stand
being around yourself?

It isn't easy.

No hotel will take me
for the entire night.

MAN:
Pardon, monsieur.

Yes?

I'm--

Yes?

I've a message
for Mr. Damascus.

Would you give it
to him, please?

What is it?

Mr. B. has arrived in
San Francisco from Jerusalem.

[GASPS]

He's staying
at the Crusades Hotel.

All right. I'll give it to him.

Thank you, sir.

And here's a dollar
for your trouble.

So...at last he's arrived.

Who is this Mr. B.?

Jasper Blubber. Mmm.

An insidiously dangerous
tub of lard.

We must move quickly.

And what is this thing

that you're all after,
anyway?

Na, na.

Curiosity
killed the putty cat.

Pass the buck, please.

Thank you.

If you have to get
in touch with me,

I'll be at the Biltmore Hotel,

until 2:30 a.m.,

then they make me move
to the Stratford Arms.

Oh, if you bathe
with turpentine,

you'll be fine
in the morning.

Taxi!

[***]

Paul, are you sure
we ought to be here?

There's nothing
to worry about, my dear.

We're in England now.

No, Paul.

This is America.

Oh, yes. America.

We should have gone
to a doctor, Paul.

I'm not sure I got all that
bullet out of your head.

Oh, chérie.

It doesn't matter.

It's the thought
that counts.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh! I beg your pardon.

No, it's my fault,
monsieur.

All right.

Oh, Madame DuChard!

Paul, it's so good
to see you.

Uh-oh.

Mm-mm.

Shh, shh.

I tried to stop
you both from coming.

Paul, you must
leave at once.

Colonel Schlissel of the
Cincinnati Gestapo is here.

Mmm.

So the black fox has
followed me from France, uh?

Well, I am safe as long as
I stay here in San Francisco.

He knows
you intend to open

a little French
restaurant in Oakland.

Paul, if you as much as take one
step on the Oakland bridge,

your life isn't worth
two francs!

Marcel, I haven't come
this far to be stopped now.

We must open a two-star
French restaurant in Oakland,

where all free Frenchmen

can gather around the radio
to listen to the war.

Paul is an obstinate man.

Even with a bullet in it,

his mind is made up.

What about the documents?

Your papers of ownership
and the liquor license,

are to be delivered
by a courier here tonight.

Marcel, France owes you
a great debt.

It's about 1500 francs,

but we can settle later.

What a pleasant surprise,
Monsieur DuChard.

So the black fox

and the silver wolf
meet again, huh?

And of course
you remember

the gray rabbit
and the blue chipmunk.

[HEELS CLICK]

May I present my wife,
Marlene.

The white swan.

Of course.

It is always the most
courageous of men

who win the most
beautiful women.

But it is only the ruthless
who get to keep them.

And it is
a thousand candles

that will burn
for every brave soldier,

that marches to the steps
of the drums of liberty,

so that tyranny
will never trample

the spirit of freedom
in the hearts of men,

throughout a world thrown
into darkness and despair.

Well spoken.

Whatever it means.

Ah, may I present
Miss DeBoop,

like yourself,
a well-built exile.

Hiya, honey.

Don't let the heinie
get you down.

It is despots
and tyrants

who run
our rivers red,

with the colors of
a hundred trampled flags,

that unfurl in the winds
of liberty,

blowing over centuries
of deprivation.

It's all right, darling.

We made our point.

Where men,
who have known treachery

and treason
can still light torches

in the caves of honor.

We'll have a drink
and see the show.

It will calm you down.

There, gentlemen,

goes a brave, beautiful,

and extremely boring woman.

Do you like chocolate,
my dear?

I can get you
German chocolate bars.

Much better
than Hershey's.

[SPEAKING PIDGIN GERMAN]

May I help you?

BOTH:
No.

[PIDGIN GERMAN]

What is it, darling?

You look as if you've
seen a ghost.

No, Paul.

Just someone
I used to know.

Would you excuse me?

Of course.

Hello, Tinker.

How have you been?

I don't know
no other song, ma'am.

It's the only one
I know.

One-song Tinker,
that's me.

You haven't
forgotten it, Tinker.

You could never
forget it.

I can't play it,
ma'am,

without the music.

See, I'm a piano man
that needs his music.

LOU:
Here, take mine.

Hello, Marlene.

Long time, no see.

Hello, Louis.

No see in long time.

How long has it been?

A lot of water has passed
under the bridge.

I got married.

And I'm trying to run
an underground.

Why didn't you tell me
you liked heroes?

I would've helped
an old lady

across the street.

I swallowed
my gum.

You made me
swallow my gum.

Anything wrong?

Uh, no, no.

No, it's, uh,
my mistake, sir.

For a second here,
I thought

that this young lady
was a girl

that I knew
in France.

I was wrong.

The girl I know is dead.

Ah, a natural error, monsieur.

My wife has been mistaken

for dead girls by many men.

Paul!
Yes?

The courier is here
with the documents.

Let's go.

[BAND STOPS PLAYING]

May I have
your attention, please?

From the BBC in London.

The first German
Panzer division,

has entered
the Rue des Castiglione.

[ALL GASP]

Paris has fallen!

Paris has fallen.

Paris.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

MARCEL:
Paris!

I cannot believe it!

Maybe it is
a different Paris.

I don't think so.

There's only one Paris.

[SINGING "DEUTSCHLAND
UBER ALLES" IN GERMAN]

[SINGING "LA MARSEILLAISE"
IN FRENCH]

BOTH:
* When the deep purple falls *

* Over sleepy garden walls *

* And the stars
Begin to flicker *

* In the sky-- *

* Jeepers creepers *

* Where'd you
Get them peepers *

* Jeepers creepers *

* Where'd you get them eyes
Jeepers-- **

[SLAMS]

I told you
not to play that song.

I-I'm sorry, Mr. Lou.

I told her you wouldn't like it.

[PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY]

Monsieur,
everything is in order.

Not here,
you fool!

Give him the papers
in the toilet.

Where are you going?

In the toilet for the papers.

I must've been crazy
fallin' for a dame

that would wear
a hat like that.

Come on, slinky.
Let's get out of here.

[GUNSHOTS]

[SCREAMS]

Strike up the band.

[BAND PLAYS]

What happened?

There was a fight.
The Germans.

They-- They jumped us.
They took the documents.

Your hand.

Yes, they slammed
the seat on it.

But the gunshots.

I thought you were--

No, madame.
It was us.

Busboy.
Clean this table.

Without the papers
we're prisoners here.

Paul, what will we do?

I don't know, my dear.
I don't know.

Sorry about Paris, folks.

Sorry.

Uh-huh.

Perhaps, there
is the one man

in San Francisco
who can help us.

Of all the cheap gin joints

in the world,

I pick this one.

[PHONE RINGS]

BETTY:
It's your nickel.

MAN:
Hi, I'd like
Mr. Peckinpaugh, please.

Who wouldn't?

Yeah?

Mr. Peckinpaugh?

I believe you had
the distinct pleasure,

of meeting
Mr. Damascus last night.

Who is this?

Jasper Blubber.

Blubber, huh?

Yeah, he mentioned you.

Would it be possible
to meet you today,

to discuss the, uh,
missing item, shall we say?

So to speak, uh,
if you will?

Sure, why not? By your leave.

Twelve noon at the bar
of the Crusades Hotel.

How will I recognize you?

You'll have no trouble
there, sir.

I'm an extra large man.

I'll be sitting
on the first two stools

as you come in.

[LINE CLICKS]

[DOOR BUZZER]

[DOOR BUZZER]

Who is it?

Marcel, from the club,

and Paul DuChard, the hero.

I'm sorry.
I thought you were alone.

I tried it that way.

It's not as much
fun alone.

What can I do
for you boys?

Mr. Peckinpaugh,

last night,
certain documents

belonging to me
were stolen.

I need a man with skill
and daring

to get those papers back...

...for me and for France.

You can pay, of course.

Uh, monsieur, we--

We are not wealthy people.

We lost over four million francs
betting on the war.

Who'd you have?

We took France
at eight to five.

They suckered you.

I have
this golden watch.

It was given to me
by the president

of the republic.

It is very valuable,

and it plays a lovely
little tune.

It's yours
if you'll help us.

MAN:
* Mimi, you funny little *

* Good-for-nothing, Mimi *

* Am I the guy Mimi, you-- *

[MUSIC STOPS]

You got anything in a rumba?

I like rumbas.

Do we?

Too bad.

Sorry, boys, but this
is not a pawn shop.

I'm using rented
bullets for my gun.

We all got problems.

[DOOR OPENS]

Monsieur, perhaps when America
is confronted with war,

you will
think differently.

Thank God I think
as a Frenchman.

Vive la France!

Vive la republique!

Hooray for Hollywood!

[DOOR SLAMS]

I like the way
you handle yourself, Fred.

I do all right.

Here. Take this.

And if you thank me for it,

so help me, I'm gonna slug ya.

What is it?

A ticket to Africa.

A girl with
a voice like yours

has got no place singing
in a dump like America.

[SIGHS]

You just can't take it,

when someone like me
gets too close,

can you, Fred?

A friend of mine
has got a little club

on the Ivory Coast.
He's a good joe,

but he's got a touch of leprosy.

Just don't shake
his hand too hard.

See you around, slinky.

[SLAP]

Well, that's the way
it goes.

But if you ever
get lonely, Fred,

you just call me.

You know how to dial,
don't you?

Just put your finger
in the little round hole.

I'll write it down.

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

What do you say, kid?
No school today?

Keep riding me, mac.

They'll bury you
in 42 different cemeteries.

Cranky, aren't ya?

That always happens

when your second teeth
start comin' in.

Blubber?

Who you callin' blubber?

[CRASH]

[MAN LAUGHS]

MAN:
Over here, Mr. Peckinpaugh.

I am Jasper Blubber.

What a relief.

I was afraid
I was gonna have to page you.

They would've
beat my brains in.

You drink, of course.

Why not?

One gin sling.

I'd rather have a brandy.

One Gin Sling is the waiter.

One brandy, One Gin Sling.

Now, sir,

let's not waste your time.

Let's get right
down to business.

What arrangements have you
made with the woman?

Which woman?

The one who came
to your office last night.

Natasha Ublenskaya.

Good, I thought you was

talkin' about somebody else.

Yeah, she apparently
has information

regarding my partner's murderer.

Obviously she and Damascus

are after the same thing,
and so are you,

unless I miss my guess.

[CHUCKLES]

Your reputation is not
unwarranted, sir.

Drink up, and I'll tell you
an astounding story.

This is a gin sling.

It is?

I was wrong.

The waiter's name
is Brandy.

Now, sir, in 1853,

a little-known
historical fact occurred.

Twelve Albanian fishermen,

conquered China,

Tibet and Mongolia.

My goodness.
I didn't know that.

That's because you didn't
take history in Albania.

Now, eventually the men
returned home,

with the richest spoils
of war ever documented.

Each man had
a 760-carat diamond,

the size and shape
of a large brown,

double "A" New Jersey egg.

Each diamond egg,

is worth in excess

of a quarter
of a million dollars.

I believe you, sir. Go on.

They turned up in Paris in 1924.

A clever designer had strung

all 12 eggs together,

and sold it as a necklace

for a wealthy overweight woman,

who was trying to conceal
a double chin.

The woman was murdered,

and the diamonds disappeared.

End of story.

The beginning for me, sir.

The murderer
is a Rumanian sailor,

by the name of
Vladimir Tserijemiwtz.

Can you say that again?

Not without spitting.

Well, sir,
I have spent 16 years,

and every penny
I have, sir,

tracking this man down,

and at last
I have found him.

He is here
in San Francisco,

just as sure
as you're sitting there.

He's changed his name

by making an anagram
out of his original name.

For seven years
I've tried to unscramble it,

to no avail.

Do you mind if I take
a look at that?

Don't waste your time, sir.

I've had well-paid experts
give up on it.

Once I find him,

the rest is academic.

Of course.

You mind
if I take these with me?

Not at all.

[WHISPERS]

Afraid our meeting
has come to an end, sir.

We should leave separately.

It makes more sense
if I go first.

Why is that?

Then I don't get stuck
with the check.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes?

Oh-- uh--

I know you did,
Mrs. Merkle. Uh--

Mr. Peckinpaugh?

No, he hasn't come in yet.

You have a visitor in there.

A Miss Sophie Devega.

Pretty?

Prettier than me,
but I'm easier.

I'm saving you
for the rainy season.

Oh, yes.
Mrs. Merkle,

I'll tell him
you called.

I will.
I promise. I swear.

Oh, yeah.

You're good at crosswords.

Try your hand at an anagram.

See if you come up with
a name that makes sense

out of all this.

And if you can find it
in the Frisco phone book,

your rainy season
may be tonight.

Miss Devega, I presume.

Mr. Peckinpaugh?
You look startled.

No, no.
It's just that, uh,

you look like
14 other dames

that was here
the other night.

Yes, I know.

They were my sister.

Well, that explains
the resemblance.

Not to me.
She was adopted.

Yeah, well,
so am I, but,

I don't look like
your sister either.

What can I do for you?

I want you
to find someone for me.

I'm looking for my--

Mm?

I'm sorry. It's--

It's just so hard
for me to say it.

I-- I-I would--

I would like for you
to find my husband--

My father--

Uh, husband.

Well, make up your mind,
which one do you want?

Both.

They are the same man,
Mr. Peckinpaugh.

You mean you married
your own father?

It's not like you think.

It was a simple wedding,
done very tastefully.

I'm sure it was.

If you could
just give me his name.

Vladimir Tserijemiwtz.

Vladimir Tserijemiwtz.

How do you spell that?

I'm not sure.

Well, we were
never that close.

Well,
that's understandable.

Well, why don't we just leave
everything in my hands,

and I'll get in touch
with you in a few days.

Do you have any money?

Well, daddy left
a $10,000 trust fund

for each of us girls,

but as his wife,
I can't touch it.

Well, here's 20.

Now, the first thing you do

is you go to a beauty parlor,

and you get that cheap dye job
washed out of your hair.

Then when you're ready to tell
me the truth, Mrs. Montenegro,

call me.

I'm gettin'
sick and tired of playing

"guess what the fruitcake's
name is today."

You're still sore about me

upchucking on your
trench coat, aren't you?

You're good, baby.

But you're not that good.

I know who you're lookin' for

and why you wanna find him.

[PHONE RINGS]
Don't call me for three days,

and when you do,
use your real name.

By the way, what is it?
SECRETARY: Hello?

Mary Jones.
I swear it, Lou.

Well, change it.
It sounds phony.

SECRETARY:
Right, right. I'll tell him.

Lou, your landlady,
Mrs. O'Brien,

she says someone's
broken into your apartment.

She thinks
that they're still there.

That's good.

That means I'm making
a lot of people nervous.

Including Mrs. O'Brien.

Well, look here, if it
isn't Mrs. DuChard herself.

I expected a housebreaker and
instead I found a heartbreaker.

Louis, don't.

Wearing the same dress I bought
you for Bastille Day

in that little shop
near the cafe,

where we had turtle soup
and coffee every day,

and the waiter's name
was Sheldon.

Louis, don't.
Let me ask you,

do you still go dancing
in that smoky little club

where the men and women
use the same john?

Don't, Louis.
Moving your body next to his

slowly around the room.

Don't say those things
to me, Louis.

Dancing closer to the bandstand
so you can hear the music

and singing into his ear:

* Heigh-ho, heigh-ho *

* It's off to work we go *

Stop it, Louis.
Stop it.

Do you think
I have no feelings?

No memories?

Did you think my heart didn't
stop last night in the club

when I saw you
standing there?

I almost forgot
what you look like.

Day by day I erased your face
from my mind,

little by little,
till all I had left

was your right ear and three
front teeth on the bottom.

I still carry your picture
in my locket.

Naturally, I had to cut off your
head in case Paul found it.

Suddenly it all seems
as though it was yesterday.

I stood
in that train station.

I waited for you
for over six hours.

And when your letter came,
it started to rain.

And I opened it,

and the ink
ran all over the page.

The most important letter
in my life.

I still don't know
what in the hell it said.

It said, "Dear Louis,

"I love you more
than life itself.

"But to run off with you now
that my country is in danger

"would be an act
of cowardice.

I'm marrying
Paul DuChard because--"

And that's all
I can remember.

You can't remember
why you married him?

That letter was written
a long time ago.

I've written thousands
of letters since.

What's the difference, Louis?
What's done is done.

Can't remember
why she married him.

I must've gone through
eight liquor stores.

Don't you have a copy
of the letter?

Don't you keep copies?

I keep only what's in my heart,

and you've never left it.

Did you ever stop to worry
that I might have

killed myself over you?

And if you had,

it would've been easier
than what I went through.

Sleeping night after night

with a man I didn't really love,

feeling his hands
on my skin,

watching me undress,

taking baths
and showers with me,

making me wear
all sorts of--

All right, I got the picture.
I heard it.

Let's go on to something new.

I want to come back,
Louis.

I want to start over,

to pick up the pieces
of our broken lives.

I want to be with you,
to love you,

to take care of you.

Just like that, huh?

Well, I--

I would like
to redecorate this room.

I don't like this chair
very much.

You mean it?

You and me, just the way it was?

Not the way it was. Better.

How could it be better
than it was?

I know so much more,
Louis.

Paul has taught me so much.
I don't wanna hear about it.

Let's keep it the way
it was.

All right.

The way it was.

Do you have
any champagne?

I still got the bottle
I was saving for our honeymoon.

I got the bread
and cheese too,

but that's hard as a rock.

I'll be right back.

I'm as happy as a schoolboy.

* Heigh-ho, heigh-ho *

* It's off to work we go *

[HUMMING]

You need any help,
Fred?

What are you doing here?

I missed my boat.

It doesn't sail until tomorrow.

So I missed it a little early.

You can't stay here.

I'm busy picking up the pieces
of my life.

If it's just a piece you want,
Fred,

you can pick it up right here.

I want you out of here.

I'll manage to get her
into the bathroom.

That will be
your signal to go.

Sometimes it doesn't pay
to treat a dame like you nice.

You'll be back.
What makes you think so?

You forgot the glasses.

[***]

This chair looks
much better over here,

don't you think so, Louis?

Oh, Louis, I can't wait
to give my first party.

Here's to us, kid,

and the way it was.

And here's to love,

and thanking you
for when you

steal the papers
from Colonel Schlissel,

and then seeing that Paul
is safely out of San Francisco.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Is it something I said?

So that's it.

That's why you came
up here tonight.

With your bedroom eyes
and your dining room lips.

Playing me for a sap, and all
the while you were just using me

to get your french-fried husband
out of the fat.

You don't give a hill of beans
about me, do you?

That's not true, Louis.
I do give a hill.

[POUNDING]

Come in.

No, that was me.

Excuse me.

I think I need
a couple of aspirin.

Who is she, Lou?
I wanna know who she is.

What the hell
are you doing here?

You said you'd call me.

Why didn't you call, Lou?

I even missed
Floyd's funeral

because I didn't wanna
leave the phone.

You didn't bring
the cops with you?

[SIGHS]

I had him cremated.

This is all
that's left of him.

Look.

I always thought of him
as a bigger man.

Here, Lou.

Don't do that,
Georgia.

Oh, but it's for you.

You keep him.
He was your partner.

No, no.
He was your husband.

He belongs onyourmantelpiece.
I don't want him.

I want you. Oh, God,

I'm so crazy
about you.

Watch it. Watch it.
You're spilling Floyd.

Oh, take me away,
Lou.

Take me away or I swear
I'll tell the cops

how you and Floyd
fought over me.

It wouldn't take much
to pin his murder on you.

Can we talk about this
in a few seconds?

I have company.

Are you coming back?
I'm in here a lot.

Hurry.

Screw Floyd back on.

I'm leaving, Louis.

It was wrong of me
to come here

and try to resurrect
the past.

What was, was,

and will never be
was again.

Wait.

I lost you once.
I'm not gonna lose you again.

I don't know how, but I'll get
those papers from Schlissel.

You and your husband
meet me tomorrow night

at the Oakland ferry
at 12:00.

Once he's on the boat,
I give him the papers

and you give him the air.

There's no turning back now,
angel.

And then it's you and me,
just the way it was.

Only better.

I told you
I don't want it better.

Now, get out of here.
I got work to do.

Tell me, Louis.

All those years
you waited for me,

was there ever
another girl?

Never.
Lou,

I came as fast as I could.

I see.

Did I ever tell you
about the time

that Paul and I went
skinny-dipping on the Riviera?

Don't tell me those things.
It's not what you think.

She's my secretary.

I'll see you
at the ferry.

All right.

I'll bring along some wallpapers
for you to pick out.

Um, I'm sorry, Lou,
but I did it.

I unscrambled the name.

Good girl.
Wait there.

I'll be right back.

Come here.

Maybe you're right, slinky.

Maybe you and I
are one of a kind.

I'm getting out of here
tomorrow night,

and I'm taking you
with me.

But I want you to do
something for me first.

Oh, I love it when
you give me orders.

Arrange to get Schlissel
into the club tonight.

Five'll get you ten he's got
DuChard's papers with him.

I need those papers, angel,
and I need 'em bad.

Oh,
you mean you want me to--

Don't tell me
how you're gonna do it.

What I don't know
won't hurt me.

I'll see you tomorrow night
at the Oakland ferry at 12:00.

You're a good joe.

And then it's a slow boat
to China for you and me, kid.

Now, get out of here.
I got work to do.

Don't wear yourself out.
I'm saving that for me.

Hi.
Hello.

I'll see you tomorrow,
Fred.

"Fred"?
What do you got?

Well, here it is, Lou.

And wait'll you hear
what it turns out to be.

[GEORGIA SCREAMS]
Hold it a second.

I'll be right with you.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[GASPS]

I trip--
I tripped on the mat.

I couldn't help it.

He's in there.
That's Floyd, Lou.

[GASPING]
[CANISTER CLATTERS]

All right,
get ahold of yourself.

[SOBBING]

No point in crying
over spilt husbands.

[FLUSHING]

[SOBBING]
Take it easy.

I guess this is the wrong time
to say a prayer.

Now I have no one.

Only you.

And if I can't have you,
no one will.

Are you crazy?

Give me that gun!
Oh! Oh!

Oh, God,
we shot Floyd again!

All right, sugar.

All right.
[SOBBING]

Easy. Easy.

He's past all that now.
Oh!

I don't wanna hear
any more nonsense

about you trying to pin
Floyd's murder on me.

I won't,

as long as I know
we'll be together.

Of course we will,
angel.

Only we're gonna
get out of San Francisco.

Oh.

Now, you bring all them letters
I wrote you

and the gorilla
pictures we took,

and meet me tomorrow night
at the Oakland ferry at 12:00.

You got that?
Anything you say, darling.

That's a good girl.

Now, grab yourself a cab
and get a good night's sleep.

You know I'd do anything
for you, Lou.

Oh, hello, Miss Duffy.
Hello, Mrs. Merkle.

I'm awfully sorry
I couldn't be at the funeral.

We'll all
miss him.

But Floyd is in his
final resting place now.

Or soon will be.

[SOBBING]

All right, come on in.

Oh,
I can wait if there's more.

Sit down.
Let's hear what you got.

Hold on to your hat.

Vladimir Tserijemiwtz

is Ezra C.V. Mildew Dezire, Jr.

Wait a minute.

Tserijemiwtz is two T's.

The name you come up with
don't have none.

That was the whole key.

Some people spell
the czar of Russia, t-s-a-r.

But in America,
we spell it c-z-a-r.

Any fool knows that.

So when I tried the American
spelling, I came up with Ezra--

[IN UNISON]
C.V. Mildew Dezire, Jr.

Of course.

Who the hell is he?

The owner
of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Right.

You did fine, angel.

Now, forget you
ever heard that name.

Don't ever repeat
it to anyone.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Yes, he is.
Who's calling, please?

It's him.
Ezra C.V. Mildew Dezire, Jr.

I told you
not to repeat it.

Hello.

Yes.

Yes, Mr. Dezire.

Ten o'clock tomorrow morning.
Your place.

Yes, I know where that is.

Where the rich people live.

Not at all.
It's my pleasure, sir.

He wants to see me.

All the pieces are beginning
to fall into place, angel.

And I got you
to thank for it, kid.

Go ahead and thank me, Lou.
Thank me here, now.

You don't know how long I've
waited for a really good thank.

Are you trying
to tell me that--

Yes. I know I look
like I've been around,

but I've never been thanked
in my whole life.

You sweet, silly kid.

Why haven't I ever
noticed you before?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Who is it?

Lady Edwina Morgan St. Paul.

It's that crazy
Mrs. Montenegro.

Sorry, angel.

I'm gonna have to give you
that thank some other time.

I knew there'd be one more.

Good night, kid.
Good night, Lou.

Hello.
Certainly.

LOU:
No tip. Death in the family.

I wish it was you!

[DOORBELL CHIMING]

I'm Lou Peckinpaugh. I have
an appointment with Mr. Dezire.

Well,
I suppose that'shisbusiness.

Wait in here, please.

Mind if I smoke?
[CLOCK CHIMING]

If it were my house,
yes.

WOMAN:
See anything you like?

[***]

I'm Jezebel Dezire.

Accent on the Dezire.

How do you do?

I'm Peck Loukinpaugh.
[CHUCKLES]

Don't worry.
I do that to everyone.

Even to myself.

Ezra just got up from his nap.

[MUMBLING]

It takes a while
to get his motor started.

You may go now, Beatrice.

BEATRICE:
Ma'am.

How do you do, sir?
[MUMBLING]

I'm Lou Peckinpaugh.

[MUMBLING]

What's he saying?

You're pumping too much blood
to his head.

Oh.

Sorry.
[MUMBLING]

[PANTING]

Are you all right, dear?
Oh, good.

JEZEBEL:
Would daddy like to swim

in his bathtub tonight?

Would he?

Oh,
your father called last night.

He said he needed my services.

Oh, he's not my father.
The old coot's my husband.

LOU: Oh, I'm sorry.
You can imagine how I feel.

[MUMBLING]

I am so grateful

that you're going to help
my husband.

He needs all he can get.

It's chilly in here,
darling.

Would you like to sit
near the nice, cozy fire?

[MUMBLES]
Sure you would.

Here...

we go.

Whee!
[MUMBLING]

[JEZEBEL LAUGHING]

Oh.

Oh, what a butterfingers I am.

Nice catch,
Mr. Peckinpaugh.

I was almost a widow.

Hmm, oh, won't you join me
in a little drinky?

What's your pleasure?

Uh, what you've got there
looks good.

I know. But I thought you'd like
a little drink first.

[CHUCKLING]

Very gracious. Uh, I, uh--

I've been over your bridge
many times, sir.

You certainly have a nice
location there,

right over the water
and everything.

[MUMBLING]

Would you like anything
to nibble on?

No, no. I don't, uh,

nibble on the job,
thank you.

Just how did you folks pick me?
From the phone book.

I liked the sound of your name.

Peck 'n' paw.
Know what I mean?

I think everyone
knows what you mean.

[CHUCKLING]

You got a nicely built,

uh, house, sir.

Like a brick shingle.

Why don't you pull up
a sofa and sit down.

Thank you.

You said on the phone
last night, sir,

that you thought that I could be
of some service to you.

Just how good
is your service?

I try to satisfy.

Do you charge by the hour
or by the satisfaction?

LOU:
Uh, by the results.

I take it the old boy
don't hear too good.

He hears everything
we're saying.

Oh, really?
Mm-hm.

How you doing, old-timer?
Oh, forget him.

Otherwise he'll want to come
everywhere with us.

Look, Mrs. Dezire,

you're a very
attractive woman.

But I'm here on business.

Now,
why did he call me last night?

He thinks
I'm cheating on him.

He wants you to find out
who the man is.

Some of my jewelry is missing,

and Ezra thinks
I gave it to my lover.

Did you give it to him?

Everything but my jewelry.

What kind of jewelry
is missing?

Hm, nothing important.

Just, hm,
a few trinkets and burbles.

Trinkets and what?
Burbles.

You know,
like burbles and bangles.

The word you're looking for,
Mrs. Dezire, is "baubles."

If you were an American,
you would know that.

But the fact is,
it's only Romanians

that pronounce it "burbles."

And that's why
it's difficult for you,

isn't it,
Mrs. Vladimir Tserijemiwtz?

Oh!

[WITH ROMANIAN ACCENT]
I told you we would not
get away with it.

I told you
it was stupid idea!

I told you I could
not say

"burbles."

You are pretty fast
on your tippy-toes,

Mr. Pockinbush.

But not quite
tippy-toe enough.

Yes, Mr. Peckipok,

it's very clever
how you figured out

that I am Vladimir Tsemejem--

Tsemetseme-- Tsemenye--

[STUTTERING]

It's been so long
since I've said it,

I forgot
how to pronounce it.

How's it go?
Tserijemiwtz.

Oh, permit me to introduce
my oversexed wife.

The former
Nadia Gladdia Poppenescu.

Nice to meet you.
Anytime, anywhere.

Perhaps by now
you already guessed

that the Albanian
diamond eggs

were stolen from my safe
last night.

Up. Since you're the only man
who can recognize me,

I must sadly
bring this meeting

and your life to a close.

Goodbye-chik.
So longski.

Knocking me off isn't gonna find
out who took your diamonds.

I already know
who took the diamonds.

I was the one who killed
the fat woman in Paris

and stole the diamonds.

But I had a partner,
so we came to an arrangement.

I got to keep the diamonds,

and he got to keep a bullet
from me in his chest.

I always heard you Romanians
were hotheaded.

It's just the gypsy
in our soul.

Unfortunately,
he did not die.

I left him bleeding
on the rug,

vowing that he would get
even with me one day.

But that was 10 years ago.

He can't last
much longer.

But then again, neither can you.

Toodle-ooski.

Gotcha.

No, I think they got you.

Oh?

Hey, look at that hole.

Oh, boy.

Behind the drapeski.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[CAR DEPARTS]

[WIND HOWLING]

[DOOR SHUTS]

He's quite a guy.

Been bleeding for 10 years
and still quick as a rabbit.

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll get that. That's for me.

Revolting. Get something.
Cover him up.

Yes, angel?

No, no, I'm fine.
Everything went like clockwork.

It was the word "burbles"
that tripped her up,

just like we figured.

What's that? When?

I'm on my way now.

If you're smart,
you'll stay out of this mess.

The police have nothing
they can pin on you.

Uh,
maybe when this is all over,

you can come back and teach me

how to say "burbles." Huh?

You just keep
your door unlocked.

[CHUCKLING]

[***]

There's a man dying
to see you, Lou.

I mean, a man who's
dying wants to see you.

Well, get him in here, fast.

BESS:
Mr. Peckinpaugh
will see you now, sir.

Is he--
Dead?

He should've been 10 years ago.

Sorry about this, Marcel.
Where did he plug you?

It's been so long,
I forget.

Whiskey.

Jesus! Anyone else would
have been dead in two days

from a wound like that.

How did you stay alive
for 10 years?

I cut out all salt
and spicy dishes.

But I'm afraid this is it,
my friend.

Thanks for this afternoon.

Lou, you are never gonna believe
what happened to me.

You made it.
Good girl.

If I was, I never would
have gotten the papers.

You mean you
and that pig Schlissel?

You sent me there.

Lou, it was terrible.
Don't tell me what he did.

He made me play war.
I don't wanna hear about it.

He was a shtuka dive bomber,
and I was Poland.

Forget it, I said.

I had to pretend I was asleep,

and then in the middle
of the night, I heard these--

These great big
bombers overhead--

Why do you dames
love to tell me these things?

Keep it to yourself.

Now, hand over the papers,

because Marcel
is about to check out.

I don't have 'em.
What?

When I left
Schlissel's place,

that punk kid that works
for Blubber grabbed me.

I warned you about him.
Didn't I warn you about him?

He drove me out to the country
on an old deserted road.

Then he made me
get out of the car.

I don't wanna hear it!
He put me in front

of the headlights, and he
made me dance the carioca.

They know it gets to me.

That's why they all
torture me this way.

No papers, no diamonds.
That was our deal, monsieur.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hold it.
Maybe that's Blubber.

We can still
make a deal.

Hello. Yes?

Yes.
I got the goods with me now.

Shall we say my place
in 30 minutes?

And make sure
that punk kid is there.

I got a score
to settle with him.

I heard about the carioca.

And the what?

He did what?
I'm hanging up.

I'll need the goods,
Marcel.

You're gonna just
have to trust me.

Don't be stubborn,
you crazy Frenchman.

Time is on their side.

I don't think
he's being stubborn.

I think he's being dead.

[SNAPS]

Just once
I'd like to see somebody

die regular on this case.

Call Lieutenant DiMaggio.
Tell him where I'll be,

but not to make a move
until he gets my signal.

This could be the wrap-up,
angel.

And the kiss-off for me,
is that it?

I don't know.
Tell me nothing happened.

Even if you lie,
I'll believe you.

Nothing happened.

Jesus,
it sounds worse than before.

Eh.

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

MAN:
Thirty-five cents, sir.

LOU:
How'd you like to make
yourself some real dough?

I say we kill him
the moment

he comes in the door
with the bundle.

MAN:
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
You greasy imbecile.

I want no part of this.

I just want my share of the
money so I can get my hair done.

Somebody's coming up
the stairs.

I was told to deliver
this to Mr. Peckinpaugh.

I'll take that, son.

Keep your hands up,
everybody.

Okay, cabbie,
put the package on the table,

along with my change.

[COINS JINGLING]

All right, punk,
throw your bed on the gun.

[WOMAN CLEARS THROAT]

WOMAN: Gun on the bed.
LOU: What?

Gun on the bed. You said,
"Throw your bed on the gun."

Big deal. That's only the first
mistake I made on this case.

That's not bad, considering
how complicated it is.

Go ahead.
Throw it.

You feel a little
naked now, punk?

Now we see
how tough you are.

Like to slap women around,
don't you?

Well, now we're gonna find out
how you react

to a little of the same.

Slap yourself
in the face.

It's either that or I use
the business end of this gun.

Now, slap yourself.

You call that a slap?
That's a love tap.

Now give it
to yourself good.

Go on.

Harder.

Harder.

He's had enough!
Harder.

Harder! Harder!
[MUTTERING]

Harder! Harder!

[PANTING]

[THUD]

Does anybody else
want more of the same?

By Gad, son,
you are an extraordinary man.

However, if you've had
your fill of revenge,

perhaps we can get down
to the important business

of cracking eggs.

Not so fast, chubbikens.

There's a little matter
of DuChard's

lease and liquor license.

LOU:
Slowly.

Give it to the girl.
Miss Shearer.

Who?

Norma Shearer.

Well,
you told me to change it.

LOU:
All right, give it here.

Now get back there
with your pals.

Well,
everything seems to be in order.

All right, folks,
the bundle is all yours.

[***]

Sixteen years.

A quarter of a lifetime

I've waited for this moment.

I'll be able to buy everything
I ever wanted and never had.

Friends. A mother.

I want to be young forever.

And money can make you young
and fresh and beautiful.

Hurry.
Open the package quickly.

I want to look good tonight.

You and your fat fingers.
Let me do it.

[GRUNTING]

I just--

Bite the string off, you idiot.
Chew it! Eat it!

Lick it off! Anything!

[GROWLING]

NORMA:
Open it. Open it quickly
before the stores close!

The treasure of Tibet.

Oh.

One-twelfth of all the wealth

of ancient China!

Oh.
Oh.

The diamonds.
I want to see the diamonds.

Here. Open it.

[GASPS]

NORMA: Oh.
[CHIRPING]

[NORMA LAUGHING]

Chickies.
Sixteen years I've wasted on...

little--

[SOBBING]

Chicklets? Chicklets?

What can I buy with chicklets?

It's all your fault!

Take all your little chickies,
lard ass.

Everywhere a ch-- Whoa.
[THUD]

Duped.
Sixteen years down the toilet.

Sorry, folks,
but I'm sending you over.

[CHIRPING]
LOU: Come on in, boys.

They're all yours, Frank.
[SNAPS]

And what is the charge,
may I ask?

The murder of Floyd Merkle
and five unimportant people.

Sorry, Frank,
but nobody here killed nobody.

The most you got on them
is a chicken-stealing charge.

Then who did kill
Merkle and the others?

All in good time, Frank.
All in good time.

Now get 'em out of here.
[SNAPS]

You're an astounding man,
Mr. Peckinpaugh.

Also, unfortunately,
a pain in the ass.

PEPE:
I don't mind really,
as long as we can be together.

I never really had
a best friend.

You lousy shamus.

DiMAGGIO:
What about miss, uh,
what's-her-name?

Put her
on the Oakland ferry.

But, Lou--
Well, I thought you and I had--

Sorry, beautiful,
but I got a date in 20 minutes,

and this time
I'm gonna keep it.

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

* Mimi *

Two minutes to midnight.

You know, I'm a brave man,
darling,

but I'm getting panicky.

He'll be here, Paul.
He promised me.

You, uh,

you went to his apartment
that night, didn't you?

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

Yes.

I'm sorry, Paul.

How long have you known
that Louis and I are lovers?

I didn't know
until you told me just now.

I thought you went there
looking for me.

Yes. That's why I went there.

I made up the part
about us being lovers,

because I know you don't like
me looking for you.

Oh.

We can still make it
if you hurry.

Schnell! Schnell!
Yes, sir?

I wasn't talking to you,
Schnell.

I was saying "faster"
in German.

I understand.

One minute to midnight. Schnell!
Yes, sir?

English. We speak only English
from now on. No more German.

Yes, sir.
We'll never make it.

Quicker! Quicker!
Yes, sir?

Not you, Qvicker.
Uh, forget it.

It's a waste of time.

[CHIMING]

[***]

They're leaving.
They're leaving without us.

That's only
the first warning.

You must try to calm yourself,
Paul.

Yes, yes. I'm sorry.
I'm really wonderful in a war.

I only get nervous
when I'm late for things.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

I'm sorry I'm late,
but I had some odds and ends

I had to clean up.

Oh, yes.
It's quite all right.

Marlene got a little hysterical,
but, uh, I calmed her down.

And you have the papers?
I said I'd keep my word.

And I shall keep mine.

How can I ever repay you,
monsieur?

I have so little.

What can I possibly
give you in return?

How about your wife?

No, she has nothing either.

Paul, there's something
I think I should tell you.

Can't you tell me
on the ship, darling?

Maybe you two wanna be alone.
No.

This is something
that concerns us all.

Paul,

there's nothing in the world
I would want to do less

than hurt you.

No one has ever been
more kind

and more generous to me
than you've been.

but Louis is the only man
I've ever loved.

Paul,
I can't go with you.

I'm going off with Louis.

Now. Tonight. Forever.

You mean I'm not getting
the papers?

Yes, you're getting the papers.

You're just not getting me.
But I am getting the papers?

I said you were.
You scared the life out of me.

I thought I wasn't
getting the papers.

They seem to mean
more to you than I do.

Certainly not.
But you have Louis.

I think it's only fair
that I get the papers.

Look, I don't wanna be
the cause of a family quarrel.

Just give him
the goddamn papers.

[SHIP HORN BLOWING]

Well, that's the last warning.
I really must leave.

Here you go.

You're quite a guy,
frenchy.

Thank you.

Take good care
of her.

[***]

Now, darling,

no tears.

No sad faces,
no remorse,

no regrets.

We danced

as long
as the music played.

You belong to him now.

But you will always be
a very special part of--

Do I have carbon copies
of all of this?

It's all in there.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Cherie, au revoir.

Au revoir, monsieur.
[DOOR SHUTS]

MAN:
Stop where you are,
DuChard.

Jesus,
this case never lets up.

You're coming back
to Germany with me, DuChard.

I promise you will be given
a fair trial and found guilty.

Run, Paul!
[GUNSHOT]

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

Au revoir, cherie. Au revoir!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Oh, hello, Frank. I had a hunch
you'd follow me down here.

Did you get the other heinies?
They're in the van.

I got the whole place
surrounded.

Every man's
got a shotgun.

You won't need 'em, Frank.
I'll handle this.

It's all over, kid.
You can come out now.

[***]

Hi, Lou.

Mad at me?

No.

It was the girl
I was trying to shoot.

You know how jealous I get.
I know, kid.

That's why I killed Floyd.

He was getting to spend
more time with you than I did.

That's the way it goes, kid.

I'm sorry about killing
all those others at the hotel.

I must have been irritable.

You should have taken
some aspirin instead.

But it's still you and me,
isn't it, Lou?

We'll talk about it,
kid.

With a good lawyer,
I could be out in 40 years.

I'll watch my weight.
I could still be desirable.

I'm betting on you, kid.

[SIGHS]

Nice night
for a boat ride.

You got yourself
one hell of a guy there, lady.

If you wanna
hold onto him,

don't burn his bacon.

It breaks your heart.

See you around?
Who knows?

It's a funny
business.

Yeah.
Goodbye.

Oh, Louis,
we're together.

And it's going to be just
the way it was, darling.

No, angel.
It's gonna be better.

I brought the car around, Lou,
just like you told me to.

Good boy, Hoppy.

Ah, sweetheart,

I'd like you to meet the girls.

My secretary, Bess,
you've already met.

Hello again.

And this is Betty DeBoop.
A lot of laughs.

Hi, kid.

Nadia Gladdia
Poppenescu.

A little kinky, but nice.
Mm, you bet you.

And, of course,
Mrs., uh-- Uh--

Stanwyck.
Barbara Stanwyck

Hello, girls.

LOU:
All right, Hoppy,
let's get out of here.

[CORK POPS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[***]

[HARRY WARREN'S
"JEEPERS CREEPERS" PLAYING]