All language subtitles for Single.Parents.S01E09.HDTV.x264-KILLERS

Yay! You guys,
the Parent Social's tonight!

- Just kidding. That's terrible news.
- Oh, God.

No, no, no, no, no, it's gonna
be fun this year, guys.

I'm your Room Parent.

It's kind of my thing.
Douglas is hosting.

But I really, really need
your help, guys,

'cause I'm gonna be circulating
a petition to get

all of the parents in our class to agree

not to buy our children phones
until eighth grade.

- I call it "Wait Till Eighth."
- Oh, Will.

- Why?
- That's cool.

Guys, seriously.
This is important, okay?

Sophie's already addicted to my phone.

Next time you see her,
look at her hands.

Her thumbs are frozen like this.

- That's not good.
- So I know that it's lame,

but I really need your help
gathering signatures,

and I will be handing out clipboards.

I'm not holding a clipboard
in my own home.

Yeah. Clipboard's a no-go.

Sorry, Will. The Parent Social's
like high school.

When the kids aren't around,

the parent scene becomes
a John Hughes movie.

It's all cliques.

And I don't think I have to
tell you who the losers are.

- It's us. The losers are us.
- Yeah, which is fine.

I've never been part
of the cool clique...

or any clique, really.

It was always just me and the stairwell.

But the point is, you know,
I'm used to it.

Yeah. They think we're weird
because we're single,

but I think they're jealous.

You know they want to sleep
in the middle of their beds,

and I spread out like a starfish.

- Hm.
- Suck it, marrieds!

Be nice to be in love, though.

- Mm.
- Yeah, that would be nice.

And, Poppy, you did us
no favors last year.

They called her Sloppy Poppy.

- Ooh!
- Hey, I had just finalized my divorce,

and there was an open bar. I was fun.

Oh, please. I'm the one who
threw the damn thing last year,

and how was I repaid?

My prize possession was stolen.

He's talking about a pen.

It was a Ronald Reagan
White House collectible,

stolen... by that bastard
right over there, Mark Rush.

- The sweet dad from our class?
- Aww.

Now, that is a kind man.

- Schmuck.
- I even like that guy.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey!

Thank you so much
for your casserole recipe.

MARK: You're so welcome.
Just remember... 375, 40 minutes,

and then peel off the foil
for the final 10.

You're gonna think you died
and went to heaven.

[Chuckles]

- Hey, Douglas.
- Yep.

He's a monster.

Did you forget that Mark worked for me?

I mentored him. I taught him
everything he knew.

And then he stole half my patients

and started his own practice?

And now he's the most popular
guy in the school

and he thinks he can steal my pen?

How do you know it was Mark?

You can't just accuse an innocent man.

Yes, I can, because I'm not
as good a person as you.

You haven't done a single thing wrong

the whole time I've known you.

You... You stop completely
at stop signs.

You give back extra change.

You're like the Dalai Lama
with longer hair.

Thanks.

All right, I know what it's gonna take

to get your help with the petition.

Babysitting. Hit me.

- Bingo.
- I need Saturday night.

- I want Tuesday.
- June.

The month of June.

You know what, actually?
Let's make a deal.

Saturday nights into Sunday mornings

- Yes!
- and a Thursday sneak attack

- whenever we feel like it.
- She's good.

All right.

- Yes!
- Yes!

Oh, God, I love exploiting
a person in need.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

[Dance music plays]

[Indistinct conversations, laughter]

Okay, visual aids are in place,
and my special

guest speaker is on the way. Trust me.

The person I am bringing is going

- to blow your minds.
- It's Dewan.

- Obviously Dewan.
- The pediatrician you're sleeping with.

Yes, okay.

- [Sighs]
- Douglas, I can't believe

you agreed to host
this wack-ass party again.

Oh, I have my reasons.

Big plans are afoot this evening.

[Laughs]

Well, that's not shady.

All right, until 8:00,

you will mingle
with parents in your zone.

There's a map on the back
as well as talking points.

Angie, your card's already
on the ground!

I have a weak grip.

Is anybody interested in wearing

a cellphone costume later?

Super breathable,
commercial quality rental...

We all know who's wearing
the costume, Will.

Yeah, and it is my size.
I'm pretty psyched about it.

Okay, gang. Let's fan out.

Oh, no.

Put me in a different zone.

I have the worst clique.

We don't have cliques. This is Hilltop.

Oh, you sweet, dumb man.

Look around.

You got the hippies...

the jocks...

the power couples...

the wannabe swingers...

don't go to their house for a nightcap.

But the scariest

are the class trendsetters...

Jackie, Molly, and Lex.

[Sighs] I call them...

the We'vers.

[School bell rings]

We've noticed you haven't picked
a dish for the bake sale yet.

We've sent you the SignUpGenius
three times.

We've been very disappointed.

♪

Jackie thinks she's so cool
because her husband

writes for "Gotham."

- All five seasons?
- [Sighs]

Please, don't make me talk to them.

Angie, that's what the note card
is for, okay?

I think you will find I have
a pretty great ear for dialogue.

There are a shocking number
of stage directions,

but I'll try.

"...which puts kids at risk
for a permanent hump

on the back of their necks.

It's called tech neck."

I got the jocks.

Ugh. Lucky.

Where'd they go?!

♪

There she is!

- Oh. [Chuckles]
- My guest speaker!

Okay, now, my speech isn't till 8:00,

so that gives us an hour and a half

to mingle with the parents.

Parents? [Chuckles]

You said this was a high-profile event.

Uh, it is. Every single parent is here.

Even Jessica's mom.
She never comes to these things.

Yeah, no, I can't go in there.

They will eat me alive.
Those parents worship me.

It's always, "Dr. Dewan,
can you cure my kid?"

"Dr. Dewan, you're so hot."

It's a real hassle.

Monica?

- Mm-hmm?
- These are just normal people

trying to enjoy an evening without kids.

[Exhales sharply] Okay.

Yeah. [Chuckles] Okay.

It's happening. They saw me.

This is not good.

None of them are blinking.

They're gonna start to move
towards me at some point.

One of the moms just licked her lips.

All right, the traps are set.

All I got to do is sit back

and wait for the rat
to smell the cheese.

Mark's the rat.

Traps? Really, Douglas?

My TV's connected
to all the security cameras.

Every room in the house is being watched

like the "M.A.S.H." finale,

especially my study, where I've laid out

all of my most valuable,
most portable possessions.

And when that Judas steals,
everyone's gonna be watching.

As an extra precaution,
I got a guy on the ground.

It's me. I'm on the ground.

- Relax.
- Chill mode. Okay.

I'm a "bartender,"

but I'm really just here
to keep an eye on Mark.

Once someone tells me who he is.

Okay, I think this is a terrible plan,

and I once took all the kids
to the beach.

Let's say he did steal the pen.

So what? He deserves a second chance.

Save it for Earth Day.

He's not a person.
He's a backstabbing turd.

He must be taken off the streets.

This is like "Spy Games,"
you know? Yeah.

Okay, Miggy. I hate to break it to you.

- Huh?
- You're not gonna catch Mark.

- You don't know that.
- [Quietly] Yes, I do!

I stole the pen, Miggy.

Ooh, Miggy conflicted.

♪

Hey.

Uh, "Did you know smartphone dependence

produces the same brain response

as a hard-core gambling addiction?

Don't love those odds."

Are you literally reading off
an index card right now?

Yeah, it's a whole thing.
Will gave me a script.

Ugh. He scripts everything.

Who does he think he is, Aaron Sorkin?

Sorry. My husband writes for "Gotham."

[Inhales sharply]
Will is obsessed with control.

[Chuckles]

Let me guess. He brought a puppet.

Or a tiny smoke machine.

Will is a smoke machine. Am I right?

[Chuckles]

Well, at least you have better taste

in clothes than you do in friends.

I am loving that tuxedo ensemble.

Oh. Really?

- Mm-hmm. Totally.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I don't care what my therapist says.

You do know that Will brought
a cellphone costume

to wear tonight, right?

- [Laughter]
- Wait, no!

Hot. I'm dying.

Oh, my God. Tell us more.

Oh, he has a Hilltop Elementary
bomber jacket.

The school doesn't sell those.
That means he made it.

[Laughter]

Wait. Angie.

[Gasps]

Are you hilarious?

I think I am.

[Laughter]

We've never really talked to you before.

You actually have, like a hundred times,

but it's okay.

[Laughter]

Whoo!

♪

7:15 huddle, right on time.

Okay, so, where are we with signatures?

My gut tells me 10?

- Zero.
- Nothing.

- What signatures?
- Really?

- No new signatures?
- Well, I'm doing great in my zone.

I'm in with the We'vers.

POPPY: What? Really?

That's surprising.
You hate those mean ladies.

Well, that was until I realized
that they get me.

They think I'm funny.

You're not funny.

I am when I'm dunking on Will.

[Chuckles] Stings a little,

but hey, if it gets them
to sign on the line.

Could you get them to wear the button?

- No. No chance.
- [Rattling]

But we've been talking,
and we've noticed

that your girlfriend's
hitting the sauce pretty hard.

Did you just "we've" him?

Yeah. I did.

Yes, my lady is on
a bullet train to Wobble Town,

but for good reason.

Anne, your kid doesn't have ADHD.

That's the sugar
you pour down her throat.

There. I said it. Sugar's a drug. Next!

You did this. Keep 'em coming.

ZACH: My kid still wets the bed.

Zach, your son is 25 years old.
Take them to a urologist.

- [Echoing] Next!
- Have I tried cutting her off? Yes.

Not gonna do that again.

Where the hell is that Mark?

Probably too ashamed to show his face.

Hey, how are y'all doing?

There's the rat.
How dare you show your face?

Hey, Mark's so nice.

Look, he brought a full pound cake.

And look, he loves
his age-appropriate wife.

Let it go?

Did Reagan let Gorbachev go?

I will not back down!

Miggy, you've got to hold it together.

I'm freaking out, you know?

I'm supposed to be Douglas' eyeballs.

Eyeballs don't have secrets.

Eyeballs are supposed to be
loyal to the brain.

Be loyal to me.
I'm your boss and your landlord.

And, unless you were lying last week,

your favorite person to nap next to.

It wouldn't rock my world to find out

Angie was a liar and a thief,
but you're my idol.

There's still one question
that haunts me.

Why?

Haunts you?

You just found out 10 minutes ago.

And I didn't steal the pen.
Sloppy Poppy did.

[Slurring] Now that I'm divorced,
my life's my own again.

I am taking a pizza-making class,

I am become very vocal on Yelp,

and I...

What are you having?

Uh...

...them digits.

POPPY: And the rest is all a blur.

Somehow I woke up at a bus stop
in Torrance.

How I got there, I'll never know.

I assume it was by bus.

Anyway, I kept thinking

that Douglas would forget about it,

but now he's obsessed
with taking Mark down,

and Mark's the best!

So where's the pen?

Where is any pen, Miggy?
I don't know. It's a pen.

You got to tell Douglas the truth.

I know. I should.

But Douglas thinks of me as a saint,

and honestly, I love that,

because it means I get to yell at him

about all the things he does wrong,

and yelling at Douglas is
one of my favorite things to do.

Now, if he finds out I stole his pen

and lied about it for a year,

he never has to listen to me again.

I was just about to change
his mind about Tucker Carlson.

But what about Mark?

You're really gonna let him
take the fall?

- What about Tucker Carlson?
- Uh...

A tour is not necessary,
Douglas. I've seen your house.

Well, you can see it again,
give us a chance to catch up.

- So, how you been?
- Not great.

My dad's not responding
to the radiation and...

Yeah, that's rough. Let's walk, huh?

JACKIE: Oh, my God.

Remember the Vegetable of the Day e-mail

that Will sent about lunches?

- Oh, my God!
- The worst.

He cares so much.

MOLLY: Some of us care just as much,

and we waited our turn for nothing.

Aw. I was supposed
to hand down Room Parent

to Molly this year.

Being Room Parent was all I had.

I do not want to go back
to life coaching.

Will weaseled his way in
with a million stupid ideas.

Remember Teacher Sleepovers?

Oh. Pimp My Calculator?

- Ugh.
- Or tonight.

These socials are meant
for us to blow off steam,

but instead, every two minutes,

he comes up with a petition
saying, "Hey, gang."

Hey, gang. How's it going?

Just wondering if you got
a chance to put your J Hancock

on the petition for Wait For Eighth.

- Hey, Will.
- Hi, Lexi.

[Sighing] Oh, my God.

Uh, you know, Will, right now
really isn't a good time.

Oh, okay. I'm so sorry.

I'm off to the ol' sauna
to don the cellphone costume.

Sure you don't want to wear it?
Last chance.

No?

Okay. Bye.

Hey, guys!

[Laughter]

You're so bad, Angie!

I hate him so much.

Yeah. He's... Uh, yeah.

It's so great you're on our side
about Will.

- Now you can help us.
- Help you what?

Take him down.
So Molly can become Room Parent.

♪

Mm.

♪

Alexa, turn on the trophy lights.

ALEXA: Okay.

Wow. These all yours?

Yes.

Go ahead. Pick 'em up.

Uh, no. I-I don't need to...

Pick them up, Mark.

♪

Ah. That was signed by Pete Rose,

Mr. Charlie Hustle himself.

I met him at
a wet T-shirt contest in Reno.

There's a class act.

♪

"Thanks for making gorgeous so easy.

Best wishes, Bo Derek."

Her Botox work alone
paid for my big car.

Yep, that's just one of the many
treasures that I've amassed.

Anyway, I should probably
get back to my guests now.

No, no, no, no.

You stay and admire my collection.

Oh, I should really
get back to my wife...

You'll stay and admire my collection.

Okay.

[Quietly] Alexa, set
the temperature to 90 degrees.

- ALEXA: The heat is set to 90.
- [Door closes]

The sauna's occupied!

Oh.

[Slurring] Hey, I'm leaving, okay?

Some mom had her kid call me
so I could hear his cough.

It was just the worst.
Are you dressed like a phone?

I am. And you can't leave.

I need you for the presentation.

♪

What's in it for me?

- Oh, you mean sexy time.
- Mm-hmm.

- Boop, boop, boop...
- Oh!

...boop.

If I let you dial me, you'll stay?

Mm-hmm.

Operator, I got disconnected.

Can you connect me?

Ooh.

Yes, ma'am. We can help you with that.

You could either consult your directory

or for ten cents... Mm-hmm.

Okay. Mark is in the study right now.

Turn on that camera.

♪

He's got Bo. He's got Bo!

Okay, everybody, gather around.

Zoom in, Miggy. Zoom!

Douglas, I'm not the eyeballs
you thought I was.

Oh, crap on a cracker.

Someone's having sex in my sauna!

Yeah, I know it's roaming,
but I still want data!

Sorry.

Oh, that's great. Sorry.

I think that's Will.

By the amount of apologizing
happening, it definitely is.

4 and the 6. Touch the 4 and the 6.

Is that cellphone role-play?

- Oh, my...
- I'm going in the canyon.

Can you hear me?

[Imitates ringing]

Incoming call.

[Imitates buzzing]

Did someone just get a text?

Will, Will, before you go out there,

- I have to tell you something.
- [Imitates beep]

Gonna have to put that on hold,
Angie. It's 8:00.

No, I really have to tell you something.

- Will you come back... No... Okay.
- Speech time, baby.

God, what do we do?

[Amplified] Check one, check one.

Can I get a level up on this?

Nope? Okay.

Uh, welcome, everyone.

Are we having fun?

Not as much as you.

[Laughter]

That's true. I am having
a very good time.

[Breathes deeply]

- But now it's time to get a little serious.
- Angie. Psst.

A phone makes our lives easier.

Oh, right. I'm still popular.

But it also makes
our lives less present.

- Isn't this hilarious? He has no idea.
- [Laughter]

- Now, you guys have seen enough of me.
- Yeah, we have.

[Laughter]

Ha!

[Laughter continues]

I missed that, but let's save
all our questions

till the end of the speeches, please.

- Will. Hey. Psst.
- It is my privilege...

...to bring here our
very special guest...

Wait.

taker of tonsils, fixer of boo-boos.

Please put your hands together
for Dr. Monica Dewan.

[Applause]

- Angie. Check it.
- DEWAN: So, does your child have a cellphone?

MOLLY: This is our ticket
to take back the room.

But... [Scoffs]

...being the Room Parent is
really important to Will.

I mean, he got business cards made.

We told him never to pass them out,

but still, he's got 'em.

After I e-mail the sex tape
to the principal,

that dork is out of here.

Assuming the principal's not,
like, super into it.

He's worse than Sloppy Poppy.

[Laughter]

...a personal parenting choice
around cellphones.

As a doctor, um,

it's not really my field of expertise.

Hey.

Can I see your phone?

I want to re-watch
that part of the video

where Dewan pulls out his antenna.

- [Laughter]
- So good.

- And deleted.
- [Gasps]

- What?!
- I was gonna watch

- that video multiple times.
- You know what?

Will might be a dork, all right,

but dorks are just people
who care a lot,

and Will cares more than any of us.

I mean, h-h-he shows up
on Saturdays at school

to pick up trash in the schoolyard.

He buys art supplies with his own money.

And he rented
that dumb cellphone costume,

which he is never going to
get his deposit back on,

because our children matter to him.

DEWAN: ...in closing,
please respect my office hours.

They're there for a reason.

Angie, hot water and lemon
would be wonderful. Thank you.

We all saw you and Dewan in the sauna.

- Douglas has cameras everywhere.
- What?!

Um, when you say "saw us,"
do you mean...

- Yes. Yes.
- This is so humiliating.

Nobody touch me. Just clear a path.

Wait, Monica. We need signatures.

I'm going home.

I'll meet you later
if you bring that phone costume.

[Door closes]

Screens are known to impair sleep,

and sleep disturbances can cause
other health problems,

like stunted growth.

And... that should be
keeping you up at night.

I'm Angie D'Amato,

and I'm going to wait till eighth!

♪

You memorized your index card.

Yeah, well...

it was a really long line
to the bathroom.

Angie. Are you the worst?

Yeah! Yeah! I think I am!

And you know what? Maybe we all are.

Maybe we're the losers,

but I'd rather be one of us
than one of you!

[Gasping]

Except for you, Mark. You're the best.

WILL: Glad you're here, Mark.

You're just such a nice guy.

- Such a nice guy.
- He's the best.

- Love Mark.
- Love Mark.

You're the man, Mark.

It's true. Mark's a great man.

He's the homey right there.

I am so sick of everyone
siding with Mark.

He's a thief.

[Gasping]

All right. No, Douglas, he isn't.

Mark didn't steal your pen.

Yes, I did.

[Gasping] Ha!

How? I thought I stole it.

- What?
- You did, and then...

[Slurps]

Mmm. Wow.

Nice hands.

My grandma used to call
brothers like you

"easy on the eyes."

I knew it! Vindication.

I was just trying to even the score.

You worked me so hard...
nights, weekends.

No matter how many
atypical moles I found,

it was never enough.

And that gives you the right

to steal another man's Reagan pen?

It filled the void!

And yes, I admit,

it made me feel important because...

it made me feel like you.

- Aww.
- Is that so bad?

[Crowd "Aww" ing]

No. No, it's not bad at all.

Thank you for telling the truth, Mark.

That's real, bro.

I'm human.

Who cares about Mark
and the stupid pen?!

- The real thief here is Will.
- What?

Molly was next in line for Room Parent.

Well, it looks like you waited
in the wrong line, bitch!

[Gasping]

D'Amato mic drop!

Oh, that's a rental.

- Oh!
- [Feedback]

Welcome home, Mr. President.

I'll love you like Nancy never could.

Hm. That's a good pen.

I could see wanting to steal that thing.

All right, I know I've given up
the moral high ground.

I'm never gonna live that down,
am I, Douglas?

Correct. But if I'm gonna be honest,

I kind of respect you more.

I mean, you lied to me
for a year. That takes sand.

Well, Cellphone Guy,
saddle up next to Sloppy Poppy.

WILL: It's not the worst
nickname I've ever had.

I used to be the Fur Coat Kid

'cause I had this parka
with, like, a fur hoo...

Oh, and Turkey Hands Will,

just 'cause my hands
always smelled like turkey.

And Snack Boy. My mom
always packed so many snacks.

Mine was "Elvis,"
'cause of my haircut...

and all my sequined jump suits.

I was in a real weird phase for a while.

Wow.

DOUGLAS: Everyone always called me Donna

because I looked exactly like
my sister, Donna.

May she rest in peace.

Well, look at you now.

Still the losers.

Maybe. But I'm proud to be
a part of this group.

- And now, if you would, drum roll.
- Hey.

How many signatures did we collect?

"Herbie Hind." [her behind]

- [Laughter]
- Very funny.

[Chuckling]

Herbie Hind. So clever.

Miggy. Thank you,
but you don't technically count.

"I Saw Your Weiner."
That's not even a name.

- I did that!
- Thank you.

No cellphones till eighth grade!

Also, we're never doing
the social night again.

- Absolutely not.
- This was truly awful.

- Never again.
- Horrible!

I love you guys.

[Sighing] Oh, gosh.

- And you ruined it.
- What?

How did I ruin it? I just was
expressing my affection.

- I love you, Will.
- Thank you, Miggy. I love you as well.

Everybody get out of my house.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com