All language subtitles for SNL.Best.Of.Eddie.Murphy.1998.29.970

("Little Ras cals"
theme music plays)

(audience applauding)

Boy, it been a nong time
since them days.

H i, I'm Buh-weet.
U h-member me?

(applaus e)

And I hav e compiled for you
and your nistening peasure,

some of my pavorite songs.

It's all here on this
un pe ctacular offer...

Take a wisten.

(piano plays softly)

U nce... tice...

Don Pardo:
Yes, the y're all here.

Wookin' pa nub
in all the wong places...

Pardo: Once Buckwheat
sings a song, it's eternally his.

H e dot deddy diba
den on ne dide

H e dot
Menny Dabid Ize.

Yes, Buckwheat,
the man who sold more re cords

than Elvis
or the Beatles... in Kenya.

And if you order now, you'll get
Buckwheat's tribute to Alfalfa.

(operatic fanfare)

I'm the Barbah ob Da-bill

Bee-garo! Bee-ga-ro!

Order today! Send 49.95
for the full volume to...

(applaus e)

Take it from "Ow Dang."
Your dang'll nub it.

Buy my we cord.
O-tay!

(applaus e continues)

(theme music plays)

Don Pardo:
It's Saturday N ight Liv e...

(cheering, applaus e)

Thank you.

Thank you.

(loud cheers)

Oh, thank you.

This is bizarre,
'caus e I grew up on this show.

It's bizarre to host it.
I feel strange,

and I'm v ery nervous... I hav en't
done this in a y ear and a half,

so bear with me. I said last y ear,
when I left this show,

I swore that I would ne v er
do "Saturday N ight Liv e" again,

'caus e I said the show
was terrible. Really.

And I did "48 Hours"
and "Trading Places,"

and I felt like
I was an actor now.

I was like...
"Saturday N ight Liv e"?! Ha!

Really, that was my vibe
last y ear.

After I did "48 Hours"
and "Trading Places,"

all thes e s cripts started coming
from e v erywhere

and I picked up a s cript
called "Best Defens e."

There's a movie
that sucked real bad.

At first I wasn't
going to do it

'caus e I read the s cript
and felt like I was an actor.

But the mone y the y gav e me, y'all
would hav e did "Best Defens e" too.

I read the s cript and the s cript
was terrible. I was like...

"What?! How dare you giv e me
a s cript like this!

Oh, that much mone y?
Let's go."

So I read the s cript,
I went out and did "Best Defens e"...

turned out to be the worst movie
e v er done in history of anything.

All of a sudden
I wasn't that hot no more.

So I called up the producer
of "Saturday N ight Liv e" and I go,

"U m, you still got
my dressing room?"

H e said, "Why don't you come back
and host the Christmas show?"

So I said, "Bet." I signed
the contracts to host the show.

While I was waiting
for Christmas to come,

sitting in my hous e by mys elf,
somebody brought a s cript

for a movie
called "Be v erly H ills Cop."

(audience cheers)

I did "Be v erly H ills Cop."
"Be v erly H ills Cop" is a hit.

All of a sudden
I'm an actor again.

But it's too late to pull out,
so I had to host the show.

But I'm back, and oddly enough,
I'v e been having a good time.

The new people are fun,
and it's bizarre to stand here

but it's good to be back this week.
Before we get into the laugh stuff

I want you to know you're gonna
laugh, hav e a good time...

we'll hav e a good time
and you're gonna laugh...

not e v erything on the show
is hysterical.

Lots of times the y tell you,
"We're gonna hav e a great show,"

the y come out...
and the y lie to you,

you sit there and you s ee
some things that suck.

Tonight is the same...
most of the show is good,

but there'll be
two or three things

that you'll go,
"That's not funny."

And I want you
to be prepared for that, okay?

Before we get
on to the funny stuff,

I want you to s ee something
I take v ery s eriously.

I want you to watch something.
Watch this.

You know, a lot of people
talk about racial prejudice.

And some people hav e gone
so far as to say

that there are actually two
Americas, one black and one white.

But talk is cheap.

So I de cided to look
at the problem mys elf. Firsthand.

To go underground,
and actually experience America...

as a white man.

Eddie's voice: I hired the best
make-up people in the business.

To pass as a white man,
e v erything had to be perfe ct.

Make-up man:
I think that's a little light.

Okay, let's try this.

That's...

- I look kind of "Harry Reems-ish."
- I like it.

Eddie's voice: I studied
for my role v ery carefully.

I watched lots of "Dynasty."

See?
See how the y walk?

Their butts are real tight
when the y walk.

The y'v e got to keep
their butts tight.

I'v e got to keep my butt
real tight when I walk.

Eddie: And I read a whole bunch
of Hallmark cards.

(throaty voiced)
"For my lov ely wife...

you'll always mean lots more to me
than you could e v er guess,

for you hav e done so much
to fill my life with happiness."

Finally, I was ready.

Ahem...

(humming)

What are you doing?

I'm buying
this newspaper.

That's all right,
there's nobody around.

Go ahead, take it.
Take it.

Go ahead, take it.

Yeah, take it.

Clerk: Take it.

Eddie:
Slowly I began to realize

that when white people
are alone,

the y giv e things
to each other for free.

There was only one other
black man on the bus.

(stop signal rings)

H e got off on 45th Street.

(instrumental v ersion
of "Cabaret" plays)

The problem was much more s erious
than I'd e v er imagined.

Let me get this straight,
Mister... Mr. White.

You'd like to borrow
$50,000 from our bank.

But you hav e no collateral,
you hav e no credit,

you don't e v en hav e any I D.
Is that corre ct?

That's right.

Mr. White, I'm sorry,

this is not a charity.
This is a business...

Harry, why don't you
take your break now.

I'll take care
of Mr. White.

Okay.
Thanks, Bob.

(Bob chuckles)

- That was a clos e one, wasn't it?
- It certainly was.

We don't hav e to bother with thes e
formalities. Do we, Mr White?

What a silly N egro.

Just take what you want,
Mr. White.

Pay us back anytime...
or don't, we don't care.

(laughter)

Tell me, do you know of any other
banks like this in this area?

So what did I learn
from all of this?

I learned we still hav e a v ery
long way to go in this country

before all men are truly equal.
But I'll tell you something...

I'v e got a lot of friends.
And we'v e got a lot of make-up.

So the next time
you're hugging up

with some really
super-groovy white guy,

or you met a great super-keen
white chick,

don't be too sure.

The y might be black.

Announcer: It's "James Brown's
Celebrity Hot Tub Party."

And now, here he is,

"The Godfather of Soul,"
and "Hot Tub Man #1"...James Brown!

(uptempo R&B music plays)

Sometimes it make me
break out in a cold sweat!

One, two, three, four!

(dance music plays)

Hot tub! Hah!
Full of water

I said, hot tub! Hah!
I said, v ery, v ery, v ery hot

Said, hot tub!
Gonna get ya hot-a!

Gonna make ya sweat!
Said, hot tub!

Rub-a-dub in the hot tub!
Rub-a-dub with me!

- Should I get in the hot tub?
- Yeah!

- Will it make me sweat?
- Yeah!

- Should I get in the hot tub?
- Yeah!

- Will it make me wet?
- Yeah!

Well, well, well...

(music resumes)

Hot tub!
Looky here!

Gonna get in the water!
Gonna make me sweat-ah...

H ere I go
in the hot tub...

Ahhh!
Too hot in the hot tub!

Burn mys elf...
make it cooler!

Good God!

I'm gonna get
in the hot tub

I'm gonna get
in the hot tub... look here

And then... gonna
make me sweat-ah

Gonna make me sweat

Gonna make me sweat-ah...
gonna get me in the hot tub

I can't stand it.
H ere I go... I can't stand it

H ere I go in the hot tub...
gonna get in the hot tub

Gonna get it wet-ah...
good God!

Aaahh! Hot!
Good God!

Rub-a-dub
in the hot tub

Rub-a-dub with me!
Good God!

Rub-a-dub in the hot tub.
Gonna s et me free.

Don't go away, we'll be right back
with more "Celebrity Hot Tub."

Announcer: Coming up next,
Dr. Joy ce Brothers

joins James Brown
on "Celebrity Hot Tub Party."

H ello. Are you a female
high s chool dropout

between the ages
of 16 and 25?

Are you tired of doors
being slammed in your face

when you apply for a job?

Are you tired of lying around
in bed all day with nothing to do?

Well, you ne v er need get up again.
Be caus e in six short weeks,

I can train you to be
a high-paying ho. That's right.

It's a known fact that a good ho
can make up to $ 1,500 a week.

Just think, $ 1,500 a week
without e v en leaving

the comforts
of your own bedroom.

Sounds too good to be true?
Just s end for my new book entitled,

"I Wanna Be A Ho."

And if in six short weeks,
you're not confident

that you can make big mone y
as a ho working for me,

just s end the book back
for a full refund.

It's as simple as that.

Well, you get to meet
new people, trav el,

wear nice clothes, make mone y
and hav e lots and lots of s ex!

What more could a woman
ask for?

Don Pardo: Rush 19.95 to...

Be somebody.
Be a ho.

We're all s et to re cord as soon
as he gets here, Mr. Sinatra.

Good, good, good.

Son, come here.
How does the album sound so far?

- It's excellent, Mr. Sinatra.
- Thank you, that's v ery nice.

I wanna do some tunes
that the young people will enjoy.

That's why I'm calling this album,
"Frank Sings Tunes

The Young People
Will Enjoy."

Excus e me. Mr. Sinatra, sir?
H e's here.

- Show him in.
- Yes, sir.

Ste vie Wonder, Ste vie Wonder...
you are aptly named.

Like I said many times,
you are truly a wonder.

Thanks a lot, Frank.

Let me ask you something,
do you do your own hair?

- No, I don't.
- Then you got no excus e.

A little joke, Ste vie.
It looks great.

Come on ov er here
to the piano.

It's right in front of you,
my friend.

You all right there?
There you go.

Fine.
You know, Frank,

I feel it is a tremendous honor
to be re cording with you.

Thank you, Ste vie.
I feel... I feel the same.

I'm v ery much into that tune
you do with the Beatle kid.

What's his name?
The one that looks like a broad?

- H is name's Paul McCartne y.
- Yeah, y eah. That's the dude.

Would you be so kind as to run down
that song for me, Ste vie?

(plays piano introduction)

Ebony and Ivory

Liv e together
in perfe ct harmony

- Side by side...
- Ste vie, Ste vie...

Hold it, Ste vie.
Something tells me

that this is more than a song
about playing the piano.

Frank...

it's about racial equality
and unity of all people.

Well... I don't understand,
when I think of "Ebony,"

I think of a magazine
that most people do not buy.

And when I think of "Ivory,"
I think of a soap that floats.

Ebony and ivory are the black
and white ke ys on the piano, Frank.

Ste vie, I know that,
you know that.

But it's too arts y
for the public, capice?

I talked to the master,
Sammy Kahn.

Sammy is a marv elous songwriter...
no offens e, Ste v e.

And Sammy thinks we should go
with something like...

"Chocolate and Vanilla."
Or how about this...

"Life is an Eskimo Pie,
Why Don't We Take A Bite?"

I'm afraid that might be
offensiv e to some people.

Who cares what the Eskimos think?
The y don't buy re cords, huh?

Okay, Ste v e, let's s ee.
"Ebony and Ivory," huh?

"Ebony and Ivory."
"Ebony..."

H e y, Ste vie, what the hell
we beating around the bush for?

This is 1982. Let's get
right to the point, huh?

Take it from the top. Swing it,
Ste vie. With a bounce, baby.

(plays piano uptempo)

You are black,
I am white

Life's an Eskimo Pie,
let's take a bite

That was groovy thinkin',
Lincoln, when you s et them free

We all know, cats are the same
Maine to Mexico

Good, bad,
guys and chicks

I am dark
and you are light

You are blind as a bat
and I hav e sight

Side by side you are my amigo,
N egro, let's not fight

- Ebony and ivory...
- That's good.

Just living
in perfe ct harmony...

We're talking salt and pepper,
Sammy and Dean

Ste vie and me
are peachy keen

- You are white
- You are black

And who cares?

Who cares, baby?

(woman laughs)

I don't s ee
what's so funny.

H ello, my name
is Professor Shabazz K. Morton.

In 1895, at the Tuskegee
Institute in Alabama,

a black man named
George Washington Carv er

de v eloped a new method
of soul... soil...

improv ement
through crop rotation...

so I mess ed up.
Shut up!

(laughter, applaus e)

Stop clapping before
y'all make me smile!

- To end the South's agricultural
dependence on cotton alone.

As a result, Carv er came up

with hundreds of industrial us es
for the peanut.

Sure industrial us es.
Meanwhile, one night,

he's having a few friends
ov er to his hous e for dinner.

And one of them leans ov er
and says to Dr. Carv er,

"Excus e me, George. What's that
you're putting on your bread?"

And Carv er says, "That's a butter
substitute that I made from peanuts.

I can't digest all that
animal fat, you know."

So the other fellow tasted it,
and he says, " H mm...

this pastes pretty... this tastes..."

- (laughter)
- Yeah... keep on smiling.

"This tastes pretty good, man.
Mind if we peek at the re cipe?"

And Dr. Carv er says,
"Take a peek? You can hav e it.

Who's gonna eat butter
made out of peanuts?

No, I'm working on
a method to compress peanuts

into phonograph needles."

So, Dr. Carv er's two dinner guests,
Edward "Skippy" Williamson

and Frederick "Jif" Armstrong...
two white men,

stole George Washington Carv er's
re cipe for peanut butter,

copyrighted it, and reaped
untold fortunes from it.

While Dr. Carv er died penniless
and insane,

still trying to play
a phonograph re cord with a peanut.

This has been
"Black H istory Minute."

I'm Shabazz K. Morton.
Good night.

It's a beautiful day
in the neighborhood

A beautiful day
for a neighbor

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?

I always wanted to liv e
in a hous e like yours, my friend

Maybe when there's nobody home,
I'll break in

So, I married this woman
said she was rich,

Spent all of her mone y,
walked out on the bitch

Would you be my...
won't you be my

Won't you be
my neighbor?

H ello, boys and girls!

You're probably wondering
why Mr. Robinson

is putting on
his glitter shoes.

Well, thes e are rock-and-roll
shoes, boys and girls.

Do you know why?
Let's look at our word for the day.

You can't read it,
boys and girls,

be caus e it's the "Soul Train
Scramble Board"!

(applaus e)

That's our word
for the day!

See what thes e are,
boys and girls? The y're drums.

That's a musical instrument,
you know.

Do you know where drums
come from? From Africa!

You know where
thes e drums come from?

Smoke y Robinson
was at the Apollo Theater,

and left his v an open
in the back of the place.

I ripped him off!

I wonder how Smoke y is gonna sound
with no percussion?

Do you know what drums sound like,
boys and girls?

Listen.

(plays rock-and-roll rhythm)

(telephone rings)

That's the telephone,
boys and girls!

Let's s ee who it can be.

(aggressiv e shout)
Who is it!! What?!

Oh, that ain't loud...
this is loud!

(blows shrilly)

Now, where were we,
boys and girls?

Man:
Mr. Robinson! Robinson!

I know you're in there!
Stop beating them drums!

You hear me?
(banging on door)

That's my new neighbor.
But don't be s cared, boys and girls,

I just installed a new lock.
H e'll ne v er get in here.

(cheering, applaus e)

H ello, boys and girls.

The new word for today
is "pain."

Sing the song!

(strained)
A v ery happy tomorrow to you.

Good night, boys and girls.

(jazz saxophone music plays)

Don Pardo: Time once again
for "Black Talk."

I said, " H e y, what's going on?
I paid my bill."

She says, "If you paid your bill,
you'd hav e no problem."

So I say, " H e y, yo, bitch, I paid
my bill and the lights is out.

What's happenin'?
Ain't no lights in my apartment

and I paid the damn bill,
you know?"

She said, "Look, I understand."
I said, "I'll come back tomorrow,

If my lights ain't on, I'm gonna
kick some butt down at Con Edison.

- That's what the y need.
- Know what happened y esterday?

CJ came by my hous e, right?
You know what happened...?

Don Pardo: Be sure to tune in
next week, for more of...

It's "The Little Richard
Simmons Show."

(audience cheers)

Thank you, thank you!

How are you today?

How are you?

That's good that we feel good!
I feel great!

Oh, let's s ee
what we're wearing here.

Oh, you look nice.

Hone y, ne v er wear
"Battleship Gray."

2,000 sailors'll try to board you.
H ere we go.

Okay, let's shape up... oh!
Oh my G...

David, can you get me
a shot of this ov er here?

David, pleas e.
This is disgusting!

Oh! Oh, you girls
hav e let yours elv es go!

It's time to shape up
or ship out!

We're gonna do some exercis e.
E v eryone ready?

Come on, e v erybody up ov er here.
E v erybody up.

E v erybody, let's do it!

E v erybody,
up there too, come on!

E v eryone stand up,
come on.

Stand up, before I smack someone!
H ere we go!

All right, here we go.
It's v ery eas y... like this!

And one, and two,
and three, and four...

are you ready?

- Are you ready?
- (fanfare plays)

- Do you know what day it is?
- Woman: No.

Girls, do you know what day it is?
What day is it?

Protein day!

That's right!
I'v e been getting my protein.

- Hav e you, girls?
- (audience laughs)

Anyway, let's go.
One, and two, and three...

are you ready?
Let me hear it!

Audience: Yes!

Ready, s et,
go fat, go!

I know a girl
whos e butt hangs low

She's flabby...
flabby, flabby, flabby

She's flabby...
flabby, flabby, flabby

She's flabby...
flabby, flabby, flabby

If she stepped on your foot,
she'd mash your toe!

Good golly, Miss Molly,
you look like a hog

Good golly, Miss Molly,
you look like a hog

Whoo!

You better start a-running,
be caus e it's much too late to jog

From the early, early morning
to the early, early night

You're nothing but a fat
disgusting ball of cellulite

Good golly, Miss Molly!
You look like a hog

Well, you better start running,
'caus e it's much too late to jog

Come on, e v erybody, go!
One, two, three, four...

(plays solo)

Oh, play that saxophone!

Play that saxophone!
So nice

E v erybody, come on!

You're not
clapping up there!

Let's go, e v erybody.
One, two, three,

reach...
four, fiv e, six,

s e v en, eight, nine, 10,

11, 12...

Wop bom-a-loo-mop,
a-wop bam-boom!

Tutti frutti, all rooty

Tutti frutti, all rooty

Tutti frutti, all rooty

Tutti frutti, all rooty

Tutti frutti, all rooty

Wop bom-a-loo-mop,
a-wop bam-boom!

I know a gal named Dais y

The girl is fat and lazy

I know a gal named Dais y

The girl is fat and lazy

She got blubber to the east,
blubber to the west

The bitch got long
and flabby breasts

Tutti frutti, all rooty

Tutti frutti, all rooty

Tutti frutti, all rooty

Tutti frutti, all rooty

Tutti frutti, all rooty

Wop bom-a-loo-mop,
a-wop bam-boom!

Good night.
Watch the show!

- Thank you!
- (audience cheers)

Good night!
I lov e you! Goodby e!

Narrator: Robbins, Sheldon,
Krantz, Mazel...

all popular fiction writers.
All of them sprang

from the prestigious
educational institutions

that hav e been the backbone
of American literature.

Where are tomorrow's H emingways
and Faulkners coming from?

- Prisons.
- (rattling)

I think that most
of today's writers

are coming from the straining,
compacted bowels

of that beast we call
the American penal s ystem.

Thes e men hav e liv ed...
the y'v e suffered,

the y'v e maimed,
the y'v e killed.

The y'v e written
some stunning books.

Yeah.

Without a doub t,
anything by a prisoner

is an automatic bests eller.

I tell aspiring writers,
"If you commit a crime, we'll talk."

Narrator: Rockland Prison.
Warden Carl Hoddegger.

Hoddegger: You can talk
Leav enworth, you can talk Attica...

you can e v en talk Fulsom...

but none of them has
the sterling literary tradition

we hav e here at Rockland.

Narrator: Bobby Glov er
is s erving up to 20 y ears

for cutting up his fianc�e
with a linoleum knife.

I'm into haiku.
The narrow restrictions of the form

hav e led me to an imagistic
freedom heretofore...

(inmates shouting)

Narrator:
Our cameras are there

when one prisoner is caught
in an act of plagiarism.

Inmate: Why don't you s ee what you
can steal out of that!

H ere, the prisoners keep in touch
with the outside world.

No way! I won't s ettle for less
than 18% of the paperback...

People who watch "Merv Griffin"
don't buy books.

Any agent in the business...

(bangs)

Narrator: Each y ear, Rockland
sponsors a poetry festiv al.

Tyrone Green
is this y ear's winner.

"Images,"
by Tyrone Green.

"Dark and lonely
on the summer night...

Kill my landlord,
kill my landlord

The watchdog barking...
do he bite?

Kill my landlord,
kill my landlord

Slip in his window,
break his ne ck

Then his hous e
I start to wre ck

Got no reason...
what the he ck!

Kill my landlord,
kill my landlord

C-l-L-L... my landlord.

Death."

Dostoy e v sky said, "The degree
of civilization in a society

can be judged by entering
its prisons."

As someone els e said,
"If Shakespeare were aliv e today,

he'd be doing time."

Buckwheat and the Dupreemes!

(music starts playing)

I need nub, nub,
to eeh mah mine

I need duh bine, bine tummun
to tall mine... my mama ded...

Tant huwwy nub
No, noo dust ab to mait

Ee day
Nub don come eeday

Id uh dame
ob dib an take...

H enno, nadees an dennalmen,
I'm Buh-weet,

and dees aw de Dupeemes!

(audience cheers)

Let's tay a mock
down "Menneny Nane."

De y ea wah nineteen
diksty-bibe.

Dop, in duh naym ob nub

Bebore you bake my art

Dank it oh-oh-ber

Mere ma noo
wen oo purs e erd is?

Ow purs e doe ekerd.

Oooh, oooh

Abie nub, abie nub

I need duh,
oh ow I need uh nub

E eded ub baitin ub

Id dodda pitta
nu maitin ub

Don doh ow nub amay

Abie, abie

Abie, abie nub.

(applaus e)

Noo no,
nadees an dennalmen...

na murld a be
a mush bettah pace

eb be all dust nern
de nub munnadudder.

En dus tyna...

Ebbybody...

Ting with me.
Mee ch out and dutch

Dumbodys 'and

Mait dis murl
a bettah pace

Ip doo tan...

O-tay!
Mee ch out and dutch

Dumbodys 'and

Mait dis murl
a bettah pace

Ip doo tan.

(cheering)

Eddie: We all know
that y ears of wind and weather

can turn a beautiful home
like yours into an ugly e y esore.

But what if you could
prote ct your home?

What if you could keep it
beautiful fore v er

with a giant s ee-through
plastic bubble?

Well, you can't!

The y don't make no damn plastic
bubble, you stupid idiots!

E v en if the y did,
how you gonna find one

big enough to fit ov er your hous e?
What you gonna do?

How you gonna get it home?
On top of your damn station wagon?

Let's say you could get one.
You're sitting around,

this big stupid plastic
bubble ov er your hous e, right?

Now you got it made, right?
You didn't stop to think...

what happens when you get hungry?
How the y gonna bring food inside?

The y can't deliv er sandwiches with
a plastic bubble ov er your hous e.

What the y gonna do then?
The best part about it...

I was thinking, what happens
when you run out of air, right?

You're inside this place
for fiv e days, you run out of air...

don't you feel real stupid
sitting in that bubble dead, huh?

You feel real dumb, right?
Let me tell you something,

if you feel that you got
to hav e this plastic bubble,

and you'v e got to spend
your mone y on it,

here's Mel to tell you
how to do it. Plastic bubble!

- Y'all some stupid people...
- Announcer: Thanks, Eddie.

Send che ck or mone y order to...

Do it today!

This is Buzzy Free, welcome
to "Rock and Roll and Then Some."

Our guest today is here be caus e
this is the 20th anniv ersary

of the Beatles' inv asion in America.
H is name is Clarence Walker,

and he claims that he conceiv ed
the group's image and wrote

most of the music,
and was, in fact, the fifth Beatle

and head singer before being
kicked out of the group in 1963.

- H ello, Clarence. Welcome.
- H ello, man.

So, you inv ented
the Beatles?

Yeah, man. I was ripped off
by the whole group.

The whole group got a behind-kicking
coming to 'em when I s ee them.

I'v e been looking
for them boys since 1963.

That's why the y got
around-the-clock-s e curity

and gates around their hous e,
'caus e the y know

that when Clarence Walker
finds them,

he's gonna take a chunk
out their behind.

Clarence, can you prov e
you were the fifth Beatle?

Yes, I can prov e it, man.
And I suggest you take

that sarcasm out of your voice,
'caus e I'm s erious.

I'm sorry, Clarence,
the whole thing s eems so absurd...

Then say it s eems absurd, man.
Don't patronize me.

I'll kick your behind
right here on national tele vision.

I was the fifth Beatle,
I hav e proof.

All right. What is that proof,
Clarence?

H ere's a photograph
of us back in 1962,

before the y kicked me out
of the group.

Clarence: That's John, that's Ringo,
that's me in the middle,

that's me, Clarence,
that's George and that's Paul.

I ne v er heard any saxophone,
I s ee you're holding a saxophone.

I ne v er heard any sax
on any early Beatle music.

Are you crazy? Most of them
early songs were mostly sax, man.

But the y stole it from me.
The y took my voice out,

the y took the saxophone out,
It was gone, all right?

I did most of the lead vocals too.
Let me tell you something,

when I s ee them boys, I'm gonna put
my foot so deep in them,

their breath gonna smell
like shoe polish.

Can you giv e us an example of what
you'v e wrote and what the y changed?

Yes, I can. "She Lov es You,"
was originally titled

"She Lov es You, Man."

And "H elp" was originally titled,
"H elp Me, Man."

"She's Got a Ticket To Ride"
was originally,

"She's Got a Ticket to Ride
and the Bitch Don't Care, Man."

What about their clothing
and the way the y wore their hair?

All that is my idea.
I molded thos e boys.

I was the most dominant one.
That's the way we were des cribed.

John was the wis e guy,
Paul was the cute one,

George was the quiet one,
Ringo was the shy one,

Clarence was the most dominant one.
I molded the boys.

In the beginning the y us ed to do
e v erything that I did.

In fact, here's a picture of us
back in '61,

when the y was called
"The Clarences." Can you get that?

See, that's me right there,
and that's George,

that's John, that's Ringo
and that's Paul.

I taught them how to pick
their afros and e v erything out, man.

Paul still us es
"Afro-sheen" be caus e of me.

This is astonishing.
I wonder if you hav e

- any of your early jam s essions.
- Yes, I do, I do.

I brought some
of the early music,

and I hav e it in a medle y form
so you can listen to it.

You can hear us
in our original jam s ession.

This is the original Beatles.
I can play this thing backwards.

You can hear them talking about it.
You'll hear John Lennon.

I'll play it in re v ers e.
Listen v ery clos ely.

John's voice: " H e y, Paul,
let's get rid of Clarence

and steal
all his good ideas."

Paul: "Yeah."

Well, I'll tell you, Clarence,
you convinced me.

I hope you get e v erything
that you des erv e.

Thanks a lot, man.
I don't want much, I'm v ery modest.

All I want is to get my rent
straight, get my head together,

all I need is $ 7,000-7,200
to get straight, that's all I want.

- I ain't greedy.
- Se v en grand?

- Se v en grand is all I need.
- That's it, thank you, Clarence.

But the y'v e got
behind-kickings coming.

- This is Buzzy Free, good night.
- I want a chunk out of each...

(rock music drowns dialogue)

You're all s et to go on the air,
you two miniature thespians.

You're both so cute.
Look at y'all, you're so cute.

The y'v e got the cutest
little butts.

- I wonder how big...
- Dion...

You know, Blair, I simply
cannot belie v e we are here.

We are official
"Saturday N ight Liv e" hairdress ers.

Look out, world,
here I come.

I'm at the apex
of my hairstyling powers.

What am I,
"The Quiche Time Forgot"?

Don't be silly, Blair,
you're my pre cious assistant.

"Saturday N ight Liv e" today.
Look at us on "Saturday N ight Liv e."

Maybe the y'll dis cov er me
on the show... I can say

"I'm Dion Dion,
and you're not."

Think of all the stars
we're going to meet.

That's nothing,
look at this.

Take a gander at who's hosting
tonight's show...

- "Mr. N ewman"?
- Paul N ewman?!

Ahh!
I lov e him!

I e v en us e his salad dressing.
It has a uniquely piquant tang.

And now I'm gonna do his hair
on national tele vision.

Oh sweet Jesus, I walked
into the v alle y of the Lord,

and I'll walk out
with Butch Cassidy.

Listen, "Sundance,"
plug in your hair dry er,

it's going to be
a bus y night.

Fellas, this is Mr. N ewman.
H e has to be ready in fiv e minutes.

(audience applauds)

My God, what happened to you
since "The Verdict"?

I'd say it was definitely not
in his favor. Poor Joanne Woodward.

No wonder she took up
needlepoint.

Gentlemen, you'v e been misinformed.
I'm Edwin N ewman the newsman.

I'm not Paul N ewman the actor,
although I enjoy his salad dressing,

which has
an unusually piquant tang.

Edwin N ewman! Of cours e.
I knew it all along.

Dion, you ignoramus,
don't you e v er watch the news?

I don't watch the news, Blair,
I read it e v ery week

in "The National Enquirer."

Good e v ening, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Jess e Jackson.

(audience cheers)

And I was re cently quoted
in "The Washington Post"

as referring to a certain
group of people as "H ymies."

The y also said that
I called N ew York, "H ymietown."

I realize that kind of talk
isn't kosher,

but let me s ee if I can
explain it to you all in song.

(R&B music plays)

As I said, I'm Jess e Jackson,

and I'm running for President
of the U nited States.

I'm a Libra,

and this is a v ery spe cial message
to all you chos en people out there.

- Don't let me down
- Jess e: No, no

- Don't let me down
- No, no, no, no

Don't let me down...

H ymietown

Hymietown, well, well
Hymietown...

I was your one and only
until I read the news

Well, now I'm sad and lonely
since I put down the Jews

Well...

We hav e so much in common

'Caus e we'v e both been
so oppress ed

Singer:
All right

We both hav e big nos es

And gold chains
on our chests

I wanna say pleas e now

- Don't let me down
- I'm begging you, pleas e

- Don't let me down
- I'm down on my knees, well

- Don't let me down
- H ymietown

Hymietown, well, well...
Hymietown...

I want to form
a new coalition,

of soul people
and bagel people.

From the Chitlin' District,
to the Diamond District.

From catfish
to gefilte fish.

We all need
to liv e as one.

I want to look out ov er the crowd
and s ee both leather hats

and yarmulkes
side by side.

So come on,
you brothers and sisters...

all you hymies and hymettes...

- Let's get it together.
- Yeah!

Let's bring it all down,
well, well, well

I wanna talk about lov e
for one another

H ymietown...

Want to form
a soul and kosher coalition

I lov e thos e black suits
you wear

And them little tiny curls
that hang down in your hair

You know we all need
one another

I want to stay right here
in H ymietown, well, well

With all my hymie brothers
and sisters

Sometimes I feel
a little hymie mys elf

Baruch ata adonai

H ymietown.

(applaus e)

Good e v ening, I'm Alfred Jenkins,
and welcome to "Milestones,"

the show that re cognizes
greatness.

Tonight we hav e two guests
who hav e achie v ed greatness

in their respe ctiv e fields.
To my left

is a man who's been des cribed
as the unifying leader

in the fight against
South African apartheid,

and a champion of basic
human rights throughout the world.

Winner of the 1984 Nobel Prize...

To my right, H eisman Trophy winner,
Doug Flutie

of Boston College.

Welcome, gentlemen.
Bishop Tutu, first of all,

I wanted to say how shocked
and distress ed I was

that e v en as you
were being pres ented

this v enerable s ymbol of peace,
a bomb threat was taking place.

In my estimation, the bomb threat
repres ents the sheer desperation

of thos e oppos ed to basic
human principles

of freedom and justice.

So, Doug, speaking of bombs,
that pass against Miami...

if there was e v er a doub t
in anyone's mind

that you des erv e this trophy...
hav e you s een this, Bishop?

Yes, I was admiring it.
It is v ery nice, .

Very impressiv e indeed,
I like this.

What was going through your mind
when you floated that pass?

Well, basically, Alfred, we call it
"The Hail-Mary Pass."

You just clos e your e y es
and say, " Hail Mary, pleas e,

let this ball land
in the wide re ceiv er's hands.

Pleas e, your humble s erv ant,
Doug Flutie... Amen."

And...

that was it, basically.
A little bit of good timing

- and a little bit of luck.
- H uh? Luck?

Why don't we watch the play
on the monitor ov er here?

Why don't you just
turn your chair

and tell us what we're
going to s ee, okay?

This is the "split-right-3"
or "Ke yhole" formation.

"Ke yhole," y eah.

- What's the matter with you?
- The thing just dropped down.

- What did you drop it for?
- It's a mistake!

- I didn't mean to drop it.
- Don't make that mistake anymore.

...really let the thing fly.
And luckily, the wide re ceiv er...

How are you gonna fix it?

Me don't know how to fix the thing.
I'm a bishop, not a welder.

Tell him, " Doug Flutie,
the thing broke."

H ere... stick this on.

Stick the gum on?
Put it under there.

- Stick it on and fix it.
- Put it on there.

H ere it is again.
What I wanted to do

was to go back and really
let loos e with one...

- Right. I can s ee why.
...many times before...

Right. What a play.
And need I remind the viewers

that this cemented
your hold on...

on the H eisman Trophy.

Doug, why don't we
watch that again?

Let's s ee that again in slow motion.
Whip around here.

Doug: I think I clearly
indicated before,

it was a "split-right-3," what
we call a "flood tip" formation.

- What are you doing?
- Me tried to fix the thing.

- It break off!
- Do it quickly, okay?

Me try the best I can.
It don't want to stick back on!

- You're not doing it fast enough.
- What am I suppos ed to do?

Fix it. That's all I'm asking you.
You're not suppos ed to break it.

I didn't break it
on purpos e!

What about the stuff in your hair?
What is that?

That's a "Carefree Curl."
That's not gonna make it stick on.

- It would just make it curlier.
- Just fix it, all right?

- I'm just back and I'm gonna...
- (medal clangs)

- I'm gonna unleash the thing...
- Right.

That's it, basically.

Well... that's a spe ctacular
pie ce of strategy,

and fully des erving
of this...

the H eisman Trophy.

What's this?

It is an armband.
A unifying s ymbol

of our commitment to fighting
racism all ov er the world.

Right.
Well, that's real nice, Tutu,

but I really don't think
that I can take your only ribbon.

Tutu, did you notice this?
How his name is engrav ed on there?

- Oh!
- Isn't that nice?

Isn't that something els e?

Speaking of something els e,
the pass that you threw...

talk about... why don't we
look at that again,

be caus e it's such
an amazing play.

No! We're not going
to look at the play again.

I'v e been
on 200 talk shows, now,

and I'v e had to talk
to this play for 200.

I'm sick of it, frankly.
It was a lucky play, that's all.

Had nothing to do with...

my e y es were clos ed, you know?
It was a fluke.

(buzzing)

Put the thing there.
Hold it ov er.

Doug: For the rest of my life,
what's gonna happen?

- That was my moment in the sun.
- H urry, now!

Doug: My moment in the sun
was not e v en my moment.

The thing not taking, now!

Who's gonna hire me? I'm 5'9".
Who's gonna draft me?

If I'm lucky, I'll get
a beer commercial out of this...

an off-brand or something.

No... my entire life,

I'll be sitting around
in a trailer park somewhere.

People will say, "Come on, Dougie,
let's s ee the film again!

Show it again, Dougie!"

Can't you s ee how one play
has ruined my entire life?

Well... one play,
that's guaranteed this, the H eis...

...H eisman Trophy.
Thanks for being here.

Thanks for coming. Tutu, if you win
anything els e, come back, okay?

- Doug: What is this?
- Thanks for watching "Milestones."

It's the...
I don't know what you call this.

(applaus e)

Miss, I know you'v e been sworn.
I'v e read your complaint.

Would you pleas e tell us
what happened?

I was laying around
my hotel room at the Hotel Earl.

I was watching
"The Joe Franklin Show,"

and I s ee this greas eball
ov er here holding up a book

that says it's gonna
change my life.

Do you hav e a copy
of the book in question?

Yes, My Honor.
"I Wanna be a Ho."

Are you a woman between
the ages 18 and 34?

If you are you can make
up to $ 1500 a week.

Yeah, my backside, Your Honor.
I didn't s ee buck one!

Mr. Jones,

is there anything you'd like
to say in your defens e?

Yes, My Honor.
As you v ery well know,

not e v eryone can be a ho.
You s ee,

I think I can clear this up
in just three words...

"the bitch ugly."
I rest my cas e.

Wait a minute, here!
Come on! Come on!

Announcer:
We interrupt our programming

to bring you the following
Spe cial Report.

Good e v ening, I'm Ted Koppel.

We hav e just re ceiv ed word
that Buckwheat has been shot.

Apparently, it happened moments ago
as the legendary performer

was leaving 30 Rockefeller Plaza
in N ew York.

H e had finished an appearance
on "Saturday N ight Liv e,"

and as he was leaving
the building,

he was shot
by an unknown assailant,

or assailants... details
are sketchy at this point.

Now, I understand that we now
hav e a videotape of the shooting.

Let's take a look.

Woman fan: Oh, Mr. Buckwheat,
I so lov e your singing,

- could I hav e your autograph?
- Tank you berry much.

No autographs, peas e, peas e.
No, no. Open the door.

I nub noo! I nub noo!
I nub noo.

Oh, beautiful.

- Man: H e y, Mr. Wheat!
- Yes?

(gunshots cracking)

(women s creaming)

That was the s cene
just moments ago.

To repeat:
Buckwheat has been shot.

We understand that he has been
rushed to a nearby hospital,

his condition unknown.
We'll bring you more details

as this shocking tragedy de v elops.

(announcer speaks)

...brought to you by...

For the benefit of thos e of you
who hav e just joined us,

Buckwheat has been shot.
Let's take a look.

Buckwheat:
I nub noo. I nub noo.

H ere he is, coming out
of what appears to be

30 Rockefeller Plaza...
there he is.

Now, the shots come
right about here.

- Man: H e y, Mr. Wheat!
- Yes?

- (gunshots)
- Ted Koppel: H ere the y are.

(women s creaming)

Now, I hav e just been told
that Buckwheat has arriv ed

at St. Vincent's Hospital.
Let's go there, liv e.

All right. As you can s ee,
s e v eral of Buckwheat's friends

are already there.

I can't belie v e it!
I can't belie v e the y shot him.

It's just terrible!

Alfalfa, hav e you had a chance
to s ee the actual footage

- of Buckwheat being shot?
- No, I hav en't.

Koppel:
Then, let's take a look.

- Man: H e y, Mr. Wheat!
- Yes?

(gunshots)

Koppel: Alfalfa, what are
your feelings as you watch that?

Oh, I'm hurt

and confus ed and I don't
know what to say.

No comment!

Koppel: Alfalfa apparently stunned
by this tragic turn of e v ents.

All right, we're going inside now.

Buckwheat, as you can s ee,
going under the knife.

Doctor, excus e me,
this is Ted Koppel.

Hav e you had a chance to s ee
the actual footage of Buckwheat

- as he was shot?
- Doctor: No. I hav en't.

Koppel: Well, then,
let's take a look.

There he is, about to get
into his limousine

at 30 Rock...

and, well, the picture
speaks for its elf.

Buckwheat being shot.

To repeat,
Buckwheat has been shot.

H e's now in emergency surgery,
and all we Americans can do

is wait and worry.

(announcer speaks)

...brought to you by...

We hav e just...

we hav e just re ceiv ed some
tragic news. Buckwheat is dead.

(gunshots popping)

(announcer speaks)

...brought to you by...

For thos e of you just joining us,
Buckwheat is dead.

How did he die?
Let's take a look at the videotape.

Buckwheat:
Oh beautiful.

Koppel: All right now,
as you can s ee,

there it is.
It s eems that the shots

came from Buckwheat's
left side

there are the s e curity men
going right after the assailant,

or assailants...
we're not quite sure as y et.

Who killed Buckwheat,
and why?

Good questions. We intend
to be here tomorrow night,

and e v ery night, until
thos e questions are answered.

U ntil then, we pay a final tribute
to a great performer.

("Little Ras cals"
theme music plays)

Buckwheat dead.

This is Ted Koppel reporting.

We now return you to our
regular programming. Good night.

Announcer: Mayberry.
A town in the grips

of the hardest criminals
e v er to stain a street.

But in 1982, the s cum
who run Mayberry

had better watch out,
be caus e...

Freeze!

(announcer speaks)

Opie Taylor...
once he was a small-town wimp

who got beaten up
for his lunch mone y.

But then he left home
and grew up fast in Vietnam,

teaching the Viet Cong a lesson
in small-town American v alues

with a flame thrower.

And now he's back,
ready to clean up Mayberry

with a loaded.357.

Drop that gun, lady.

Why, I re cognize
that voice.

It belongs to that obnoxious
runt nephew of mine.

- Aunt Bee!
- Opie!

Floyd: Opie Taylor...

What the hell are you doing here?
We heard you bought it in 'Nam.

Oh, no, that wasn't me, Aunt Bee.
That was "The Beav er."

No, I spent three y ears
in a rat cage in Quang Tri.

Three y ears, dreaming of orange pop,
fishing and apple pie.

What happened to this town,
Aunt Bee?

Well, times change, "runt."

Your damned father didn't
leav e much for me to liv e on,

so I'v e rounded up Thelma Lou
and a couple of the girls,

and I started
a local business.

Turns out people were tired
of having to driv e up to Mount Pilot

e v ery time the y wanted
to get some "tail."

Aunt Bee,
that's disgusting.

And Floyd...

Floyd, what's happened to you?
You're...

- You're...
- I'm black, "genius."

Always been black, Opie.
Oh, for y ears I was black.

For 10 y ears, your pa
us ed to know about it.

H e us ed to make me walk
around Mayberry wearing whiteface.

Your pa knew about it.
You know, you should liv e up to it...

getting your hair cut
by a N egro, boy.

If I had my way, I would cut
your throat. I would hav e. Yes.

Don Pardo:
And now, "Speaking Freely,"

with your host,
Edwin N ewman.

H ello, I'm Edwin N ewman.
"Speaking Freely" tonight

is a man who's been
referred to

as the " Hardest Working Man
in Show Business,"

and "The Godfather of Soul."

I'm speaking, of cours e,
of James Brown.

(audience applaus e)

Thank you for being
with us tonight, Mr. Brown.

I say, hunh...
look hear! Hah!

Mr. Brown, your career has spanned
almost three de cades,

and y et your style has remained
intact and constant.

That's be caus e... hah...
I'm a man!

Spell "man"..."m-a-n."
Oww-ww!

And y et in the '70s... or maybe
it was the late '60s...

you abruptly be came political
and you openly endors ed candidates

such as H ubert H umphre y.
Now, why did you do that?

'Caus e Papa's got
a brand new bag.

Ha-ha! I gotta-gotta
gotta... hah!

Will you now retire?

Pleas e, pleas e, pleas e...

I want so bad... giv e it up,
or turn it loos e... y ee-ow!

I think our time is up.

James Brown has been
"Speaking Freely."

Edwin N ewman, N BC N ews.

(holiday music plays)

Announcer:
"Hallmark" proudly pres ents...

a Gumby Christmas.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Gumby!

(cheers, applaus e)

Merry Christmas, dammit!
I am Gumby,

and I want to say before
I get started, it's about time

the swines at the network
gav e me my own spe cial.

I'v e been sitting in my living room
watching spe cials with nobodies

like Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph
the Red-nos ed Reindeer for y ears.

H e y, Rudy! Drop dead, baby!
This is my spe cial!

We know why the nos e is red, Rudy.
(mimics gulping)

You know, this is the part
of the spe cial

when I was going to de corate
the Christmas tree

with my v ery good friend,
Sammy Davis, Jr.

But unfortunately, Sammy
could not be here tonight,

but he did s end us this lov ely
ornament to de corate the tree with.

(audience laughs, groans)

Shut up!

H ere's looking at you, Sammy.
Merry Christmas, dammit.

(light xylophone melody plays)

It's... one hell of a day
in my neighborhood

A hell of a day
for a neighbor

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?

I hope I get to mov e
in your neighborhood some day

The problem is,
is when I mov e in...

Y'all mov e away

So come along
for some coke or some smoke

You bring the stash,
'caus e Robinson's broke

Will you be my... won't you be my...
won't you be my neighbor?

H ello, boys and girls.

We're all alone again today.
You know why?

My wife walked out on me.

Isn't that nice?
I'm so glad the bitch is gone.

(door signal buzzes)

Who could that be?

Let's s ee.

This is how you answer a door
in my neighborhood...

(aggressiv e shout)
Who is it?!

Man: H e y, Robinson, open the door.
I heard you in there.

I heard you singing.
Open up! Come on! Come on!

It's Mr. Landlord.
H ello, Mr. Landlord.

(coughs)

What the...? Cut the bull, will ya?
Your rent's six months ov erdue!

It's a summons.

Oh, look... an e viction notice.
Brought by Mr. Landlord.

Can you say,
"s cumbucket"?

That's our spe cial word
for today, boys and girls.

Do you know any s cumbuckets?
I'll bet you do.

You know, I did hav e the mone y
to pay this rent,

and then, all of a sudden,
it mysteriously disappeared.

Then my wife showed up
with a new dress on.

Want to s ee that dress now,
boys and girls?

See the footprints on it?

I didn't take it off her
to do that, neither.

You know what we're gonna do?
Visit the President

and find out why I'm so poor.

Who wants to go to the magical
"Land of Make-Belie v e"?

Would you like that?
We'll go visit the President.

Who wants to visit
the President?

We would like to talk
with the President!

We would like to speak
with the President. Where is he?

The President's always late.
H e ain't ne v er on time!

H ere I am.
My ne ck is hurting, though.

How are you doing, I'm
the President. What's the problem?

Say, Mr. President, how come
you cut off my relief mone y

and I got e victed
from my hous e?

And how come I sound
like "Geraldine"?

I can't do anything to help you
with that, my friend.

Mr. President, Mr. President,
I hav e a question.

How come you don't s ell
one of them planes

so I could hav e
s chool lunch?

I'm sorry. I can't answer
that question neither.

But Mr. President, I think
I speak for all black people!

Mr. President...

We don't hav e no more time
for no more questions. Sorry.

Well...

I hav e to go now, boys and girls,
so by e-by e.

A v ery happy tomorrow
to you.

Good e v ening.
Welcome to "Career Corner."

I'm your host,
Bert Weiderme y er.

My guest tonight is a man
who has touched all our liv es.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Tooth Fairy.

(applaus e)

You'v e been around as long
as I can remember, Mr. Fairy.

How long hav e you held
your pres ent job?

U h... fore v er I'v e been
doing this, basically. Fore v er.

And now you're about
to change careers. Why?

See, for e v ery tooth
I pick up...

I got to leav e a dime
under the pillow, okay?

Then I got to take the tooth
up to God, and he giv e me 12 �.

Now when you sub tract the dime
I put out of my pocket already,

that leav es me clearing 2 �.

I don't know where you come from.
2 � ain't a lot in my neighborhood.

No, no it's not.

But sometimes, too, I be getting
ripped off by little kids.

The y be putting like, "Tic Tacs"
under their pillows, right?

In the dark you can't tell
the difference.

You think the y're teeth, right?
So I take it up to God, right?

You know how it feels to giv e God
a bag full of "Tic Tacs"?

I almost got fired once.

H e thought I was trying
to tell him his breath stinks.

Actually, that's a re v elation.

I ne v er thought of your job
as being dangerous.

Dangerous? Most people...
normal people... panic

when the y walk in their kids' room
and s ee a big black guy

standing there
in a tutu, all right?

With a big bag of dimes
ov er his shoulder.

I hav e been shot
six times,

I got bit
by 37 Doberman pins chers

and I had my behind kicked
so many times,

I don't e v en want to talk
about it no more.

Come on, Mr. Fairy.

You must get some gratification
from your work?

No.

Come on, e v erybody lov es
the Tooth Fairy.

No, the y don't, man.
I don't get no letters,

no "thank-yous,"
no nothing, all right?

And I'm a fairy, damn it.
I hav e feelings, too.

Okay?

What if you had
your own spe cial day?

What do you mean?

You know, a day s et aside
just for you, like your own holiday.

Oh, you mean,
like, "Tooth Day"?

- Yeah.
- Wow. Tooth Day!

E v erybody can wrap their teeth up
in little cellophane paper,

and put it under a tree, right?
I could come down the chimne y

and the y leav e me milk
and cookies and e v erything...

That sounds an awful lot
like Christmas.

We could hav e
two Christmas es, then.

- I don't think so.
- Why not?

- One for me, and one for him.
- No, no... it's... I'm sorry.

I do a better job
than Santa Claus, man.

- I'm afraid our time is up.
- It's be caus e he's white, right?

Good night, e v eryone.
It's not be caus e he's white.

I can get some reindeer, too.
How much do reindeer cost?

- Forget the reindeer.
- Y'all better do something quick.

Santa Claus is old and fat...
probably hav e a heart attack soon.

- That's terrible. Stop that.
- That's not terrible, man.

I'm telling you...

(announcer speaks)

...brought to you by...

Good e v ening, I'm Ted Koppel.

Surely e v eryone knows by now
that Buckwheat is dead.

But for thos e of you
who hav e not s een

the videotape of Buckwheat
being shot, let's take a look.

I nub noo. I nub noo.
I nub noo.

- Man: H e y, Mr. Wheat!
- Yes?

Koppel: Buckwheat was buried today,
and the entire world mourned.

World leaders gathered
to offer a final tribute.

("Little Ras cals" theme plays
in march tempo)

We now join millions of mourners
around the world

in obs erving a moment of silence.

Announcer: This moment of silence
is brought to you by...

Police hav e now identified
Buckwheat's assailant.

H e is this man...
27-y ear-old John David Stutts...

des cribed by thos e who know him
as a loner.

We understand that Stutts is now
being taken to criminal court

for arraignment.
Let's go there liv e.

- It's good to s ee you all.
- All right, folks, keep back.

H i, I killed Buckwheat. I hav e
a question for the American public.

When you dream, do you dream
in color, or black and white?

Be caus e I dream
in black and white.

Last e v ening I had a dream
about lime jello.

I didn't know what flavor it was
be caus e it was gray.

Then I tasted it
and I realized it was lime.

- Definitely lime.
- Reporter: Mr. Stutts...

- did you kill Buckwheat?
- Sure.

Do you realize you face
the death penalty?

- I don't care, sir.
- Why did you kill him, Mr. Stutts?

I had to kill him. My dog told me
he was the Antichrist.

What's the name of your dog,
Mr. Stutts?

H is name is Pete y.
H e's a Dalmatian.

Reporter:
A Dalmatian?

I named him after a dog
on the "Our Gang Follies."

H is name is Pete y.

In just a moment, John David Stutts
will face arraignment

on charges of murder.
Why did Stutts do it?

We'v e asked noted criminal
ps y chiatrist, Dr. Irwin Fletcher

for his expert opinion.
Welcome, Doctor.

What makes a man like John David
Stutts commit such a crime?

Publicity.
In the deranged mind of the killer,

he truly belie v es that if he
kills someone famous,

he'll be come famous hims elf.

And, unfortunately,

certain irresponsible members
of the media are only too eager

to turn thes e assassins
into instant celebrities.

Thank you, Doctor.

Let's take a look at the man who
killed Buckwheat, John David Stutts.

(announcer speaks)

...brought to you by...

Koppel: John David Stutts
spent his childhood here,

in this modest home
in Lima, Ohio.

E v eryone who knew him
called him a "loner,

a quiet young man."

Stutts attended Sunday School
at the Mercy Seat Baptist Church.

H e was a loner...
a quiet young man.

He attended church...
Sunday School,

I remember he was always
v ery polite.

Koppel: Do you belie v e
he killed Buckwheat?

Oh, y es. Definitely.
That's all he talked about.

John David Stutts graduated
from U nionville H igh School.

H is classmates called him,
"The Loner."

Stutts was a member
of the "Ke y Club,"

the "Audio-Visual Squad"...

and president of the "Future
Assassins of America."

It's no wonder
that his classmates chos e him

"Most Likely
to Kill Buckwheat."

Sure, I remember Stutts.

H e was a loner,
but a real hard worker.

I mean, he pumped the gas,
he che cked the oil,

he washed the windows.
N ice kid.

Koppel: Do you belie v e
he killed Buckwheat?

Oh, y es. Definitely.
That's all he talked about.

I remember one day, I says, "Stutts,
why are you working so hard?"

H e says, "I'm saving up to buy a gun
so I can kill Buckwheat."

John was a quiet boy...
a kind of a loner...

but real polite.

H e always stood still
when I hemmed his cuffs. N ice kid.

Koppel: Do you belie v e
he killed Buckwheat?

Oh, y es. Definitely.
That's all he e v er talked about.

Just the other day,
he comes in and he says,

"Sol, make me a new suit.

I'm gonna kill Buckwheat and I want
to look good on tele vision."

(announcer speaks)

...brought to you by...

We hav e just learned
that John David Stutts

has been arraigned and is being
returned to his jail cell.

Let's go there right now,
liv e.

Stutts:
The reporters are back. H ello.

It's good to s ee e v eryone came back.
H ello. Good to s ee you all.

- H ello.
- Man: Stutts!

(gunshots popping,
s creams)

Stutts:
Ouch! I'm shot!

There you hav e it...
John David Stutts,

accus ed assassin of Buckwheat,
has been shot

right here before your e y es.

(announcer speaks)

...brought to you liv e by...

For thos e of you who miss ed it,
John David Stutts,

accus ed killer of Buckwheat,
has been shot, liv e on this program.

Now, let's
take another look.

It's good to s ee e v eryone came back.
H ello. It's good to s ee you all.

Koppel: Coming through...
the shots come up...

- (gunshots popping)
...there the y are, right there...

Stutts:
Ouch! I'm shot!

I'v e just been told
that John David Stutts is dead.

(announcer speaks)

...has been
brought to you liv e by...

John David Stutts
lies dead.

How did he die?
Let's take a look.

- Stutts: H ello.
- Man: Stutts!

- (gunshots popping)
- Koppel: There's the shots.

Stutts: I'm shot!

And so, two famous men lie dead...
Buckwheat, and John David Stutts.

We'll be here tomorrow night
and e v ery night

for as long as this
s ens eless killing continues.

This is Ted Koppel.
Good night.

Velv et Jones: Who among us
has not dreamed of faraway places

and intertwined lov ers?

H i.
I'm Velv et Jones.

(loud cheering, applaus e)

And if you lov e lov e
as I do,

I know you will want to buy
my latest

"Velv et Jones'
Harlequin Romance" book.

There are many exquisite titles
to choos e from, such as...

"Velv et Lov e."
Listen...

"When she touched her lips
to the glass,

LaWanda's heart beat
inside her.

I knew from that v ery
first moment

that the $3 I had spent on wine
would not go to waste."

Wasn't that romantic?

But wait... there's more.

Allow me to read from one
of my personal favorites.

"I saw her standing at the gates
of the Lincoln Tunnel."

Dare I approach her?
My heart pounded inside my chest.

I felt a burning in my loins
I had ne v er felt before.

Thus, I realized I had been...
'Kicked in the Butt by Lov e."'

Yes.

Endless e v enings of romance
can all be yours... if you order now.

(announcer speaks)

"Who wrote the book of lov e?"
Velv et. It's as simple as that.

(playing
gospel-blues melody)

H e y, Pudge! H e y, Pudge!

Somebody's gonna pay
for this mess!

Somebody's paying for this!
Look at me!

Look at all this mess on me!
Somebody's paying for this!

- What are you talking about?
- Somebody tried to run me down!

Somebody gonna run me down
out there!

- What do you got on your suit?
- There's mud all ov er my clothes!

- Aw, man...
- Look at this mess all ov er me!

You look pretty funny, man.
(laughs)

That's v ery funny...
"Ha, ha, I'm laughing."

- What are you wearing a suit for?
- This is my spe cial birthday suit.

Ah, y eah...

I walk in, and somebody
gonna splash mud all ov er me.

I got $20 in my pocket.
I was going to find me a woman.

You had one birthday
too many, man.

You got the equipment,
but your battery is dead.

- What you say?
- Your battery's dead.

My battery's dead?
How would you like to jump-start it?

H ear what I said?
"Jump-start my battery."

Just don't call me
on a cold morning, man.

Don't call you on a cold morning
to jump-start my battery?

Man, I'll tell you... I'v e been
doing it e v er since I was 12.

- 12 y ears old?
- No, 12 inches.

H ear what I said?
I'm a crazy nut, man.

Yeah, you crazy if you think
I belie v e that.

You crazy, man.
You know what you is?

A nut-brain.

H e y, play me
a little birthday song.

- "Li'I bird-day song."
- Play me a little birthday song.

(plays boogie-woogie riff)
There you go. Happy Birthday...

That ain't no birthday...
that's the same old mess you play

e v ery time I come inside here.
That's fake.

Pardon me,
I'm looking...

for an old man.

H e's not
a Caucasian man.

H e's an old man, and...

Can I help you, Miss?

I am looking
for an old colored gentleman.

There, it's out.

You'v e come to the right place.
H ear what I said, Bobby?

- Yeah.
- Crazy...

That suit... I'm so sorry,
it's all cov ered with mud.

I'm walking down the street
fiv e minutes ago,

and some fool
gonna driv e by...

splashing water all ov er e v erybody
in sight! Crazy fool.

Well, I assure you,
it was inadv ertent.

I do not go around
splashing people.

You the one what splashed me
with the mud?

- I stand guilty...
- What's wrong with you?

It's a 30-mile zone, and you're
doing 35 miles an hour.

I assure you,
I was not speeding.

I am a law-abiding citizen,
and I must tell you,

if you'll just hear me out,
I'm here to make restitution.

Well, it's down the hallway
and to the right.

H ear what I said? "Restitution's"
down the hallway, make a right."

I assure you, I can take a joke
as well as anyone.

I'd like to pay
for my mistake.

What is your name,
Mister...?

My name is Solomon,
but look here...

This is my friend, Pudgie.
This is Pudge. This is Miss Lady.

How do you do...?

This is Pudge.
H e's full of "restitution."

- H ear what I said?
- Yes, I did.

H e's a "restitution-brain."

How do you do?
How do you do, "Poodge"?

And Mr. Solomon, how much
would it cost to clean your suit?

The pants are gonna cost extra
'caus e he's got 12 inches.

H e y, shut up, man. You can't be
telling that woman that, man.

That's my personal business.
Fool-face...

You're driving
a v ery hard bargain,

but I'll pay for the entire suit.
What could it possibly cost?

$30 or $40,
I suppos e?

Look, Miss, you don't hav e
enough mone y to pay for this.

This is my spe cial suit.
This is my "Happy Birthday" suit.

That's Solomon's
birthday suit, lady.

- It's your birthday?
- Yeah.

- Then you must take some mone y.
- No, I do not "must" take nothing.

Well, v ery well.
Very well, then.

Let me buy you a cocktail...
for your birthday.

Well... go on, buy me
a "cocktail for my birthday."

Well, grand.
We'd like to order drinks.

I'm going to hav e
a white wine spritzer.

And whate v er thes e gentlemen
are having.

No beer, giv e us
a "white wine spritzer" also.

Allow me to fetch
the drinks.

"White wine spritzer"?
That woman is a "gerbil-mind."

H ear what I said?
"Gerbil-mind."

- She's crazy, right?
- She's crazy, man.

All right.
A little birthday music.

Oh, I think that's absolutely
in order. A birthday song.

I'd like to sing one
that my father sang for me

on my birthdays
when I was a child.

Mr. Poodge,
it's in the ke y of "C."

(strikes note)

And I'd like to dedicate this
to you, Mr. Solomon.

Froggy went a-courtin'
and he did ride...

I think you're going to enjoy this...
it is in a N egro spiritual v ein.

One, two, three...

Froggy went a-courtin'
and he did ride

U m-hmm, um-hmm

Froggy went a-courtin'
and he did ride

U m-hmm, um-hmm

Froggy went a-courtin'
and he did ride

H e took Miss Mousie
for his bride

U m-hmm, um-hmm,
um-hmm.

I don't know what kind of v eins
them N egroes had.

H it it, Pudge.
In the ke y of "C."

Froggy went a-courtin'
and he did ride

U m-hmm, um-hmm

Froggy went a-courtin'
and he did ride

U m-hmm, um-hmm...

H ere's another one. Ahem...
(tunelessly)

A boy is born
in hard-time Mississippi

Surrounded by four walls
that ain't so pretty

H is parents giv e him
lov e and affe ction

Keeping him strong... moving
just enough for the city!

Yeah, y eah y eah.

That's the worst Ste vie Wonder
impression I'v e e v er s een.

(nerdishly)
What's the matter with it?

I can funk.

(audience laughter,
cheering)

I can funk.

I can funk.

But what you're doing is ridiculous.
I know Ste vie Wonder, man.

You hav e to mellow out
when you do Ste vie.

You're too tens e, Loos en up.
The s e cret to doing Ste vie Wonder...

(audience cheers)

You gotta smile a lot, like this.
You s ee? You gotta smile.

You mean, like this?
Like this?

That's almost it.
You ain't really got it y et.

You got to mov e your ne ck around.
Ste vie mov es his ne ck.

Mov e your ne ck
like somebody's choking you.

Like that, s ee?

If you don't like my show,
I'm gonna choke you.

Is this how he does it,
like this?

Kinda. Not really.
Then you gotta loos en up,

You gotta mov e your hands,
you gotta go like...

- listen to me. Watch this.
- Okay.

My cherie amour,
lov ely as a summer day...

(harshly)
My cherie...

- Try that.
- My cherie amour...

No, no, no.
Better, with more feeling.

Oh...

- My cherie amour...
- You don't e v en know the words.

Lov ely as a sum-mer-rr
day-yy...

Listen to me. Listen...
My cherie amour

Distant as the Milky Way...
Try that.

(audience cheering)

Okay.

My cherie amour

Pretty little one
that I adore

You're the only girl
my heart beats for

How I wish that you
were mine!

(loud cheering, applaus e)

Whoo!

It still sucks, man.

No, no! Richie,
that was Ste vie Wonder!

I was standing here.
H e be came Ste vie Wonder!

But I'm not married to this guy.
I got another fella...

you would swear...
he is Smoke y Robinson.