All language subtitles for Pretty Maids All In A Row

Oh. Do you by any chance wish to know

how l, Ren� Artois,
hero of the Resistance,

escaped in a gypsy caravan
pulled by a piebald pony

from a German colonel and captain
driving a steamroller

fuelled by nutty slack?

Not an everyday occurrence,
you will admit.

But l will tell you - l outpaced them.

But only after the airmen
and the waitresses, my wife,

my wife's mother and M Leclerc
disguised as a didicoy

got out to push
when we became stuck in a rut.

l galloped off, apparently out of control.

l am now hiding the priceless portrait

of The Fallen Madonna
With The Big Boobies

in the back of this worthless painting
of some childish flowers

given to my wife's mother
by a penniless artist

in return for her favours.

Which evidently were not all that
valuable, even all those years ago.

Ren�, it is time we opened the caf�.

Have you hidden the painting?

There it is, it is behind
your mother's floral tribute.

Where can we hang
such a great big frame?

ln the most obvious place -
on the wall of the caf�.

- Oh...
- Thank you.

But will it not be in danger
of being hidden by the curtain?

With any luck, yes.

- (Shop bell rings)
- Ren�...

l have just come from ze town square,
it is full of tanks and soldiers.

General von Klinkerhoffen
has found ze engine of his mower

in ze remains of that aeroplane.

They are going to search
for British airmen.

Anyone found hiding them will be shot!

Oh, my God. Where are they?
They must give themselves up.

They cannot, they have no uniforms.

Without uniforms
they will be shot as spies.

Well, they have had
a good run for their money.

And they have still got
their British underwear.

We will vouch for them.
l will phone the Colonel.

Coward! Oh, collaborator!

Would you betray these fearless 'eroes
to our sworn enemies?

What do you mean, ''fearless heroes''?

All they do is hide!

We are the fearless heroes.

And another thing -
the Germans are our customers,

they spend good money in here.

You get your priorities right!

Ren�! Edith!

l have solved the prrroblem
of the Brrritish airmen.

l used the rrrazor from your bathrrroom.

Oh, Maria. How little l know you.

What have you done with the bodies?

All l did was shave off their moustaches.

Oh, fantastic.
That will fool the Germans completely.

(Fairfax) Can we come down now?

Come!

Oh, my God.

Carstairs, you're standing
like a tart again.

Nobody will suspect them,
they look like the staff.

Edith,

the Germans take the staff
upstairs from time to time.

lf they took these two upstairs

wouldn't their suspicions
become aroused?

We are much more attractive -
they would take us!

And suppose there is a rush?

- What are they saying?
- l haven't the faintest, it's all in French.

lf the Germans want to take them
upstairs they must not go. Um...

Ah.

(Kissing)

- Uh.
- Ah!

What's all that about?

l think he said if Hitler pops in and
asks us to go upstairs, we're not to go.

- ls Hitler like that, then?
- Oh, yes.

And do not speak.

Er... Shh!

- Ahh.
- What was that about?

lf we do go upstairs with Hitler,
we're not to tell anybody.

lt's not something
you'd boast about it, is it?

We...understand! (Chuckles)

(Banging on door)

Who is that?

The Colonel and the Captain!

Oh, my God. We must open the caf�!

Maria, get these two into the kitchen.
Go, go.

- Welcome, Colonel.
- Welcome, our best customers!

Over here. Drinks for the Colonel
and the Captain!

- Sit down, Ren�.
- Oh, er, yes, Colonel.

Now, what is going on?

The motor mower engine
was fixed to an antique aeroplane.

- How do you explain this?
- l expect it was an 'oax.

A sort of practical joke.

We French are like that, you know -
anything for a laugh.

- l have put two and two together.
- The Colonel is good at that.

Aeroplanes are flown by airmen.

You see?

Do you promise that you are not helping
British airmen to escape?

Oh, Colonel, would l risk all this for that?

Whoever is responsible
has stirred up a 'ornet's nest.

General von Klinkerhoffen
is doing his pieces.

While searching for the airmen
he may discover the painting.

ls it safe?

lt is under your very nose.

- ln here?!
- Mm.

- Behind the bar?
- No.

- Under the table?
- You are getting warmer.

Where can it be?

l spy with my little eye...

something beginning vith...P.

- Piano!
- (Both laugh)

- No.
- This is a silly game. Where is it?

lt is in that picture.

That is what l spied
with my little eye! l von!

- What a good place! l'd never look there.
- No.

Colonel, the news is serious.

General von Klinkerhoffen
is looking for you.

- He demanded to know where you were.
- What did you say?

l said you'd knocked off for an hour
to have a quick one at the boozer...

- before resuming your search.
- Why not say l was searching?

He's such a dominating man.

His powerful stare
makes me vilt and go veak.

l cannot say no to a man like that.

Oh, l wish l had that kind of stare.

We must drink up and get going,
or we're for the high jump.

- Well, l'm only obeying your orders.
- You always say...

- General von Klinkerhoffen!
- Oh!

Stand up, you peasants!
Up against the wall!

Hands on heads!

Stand still!

Heil Hitler!

What are you doing?

l'm sorry, General. Your powerful stare
makes me vilt and go veak.

l cannot say no to a man like you.

Who is this idiot?

He's my second-in-command.

Why are you here?
You should be searching.

- We were looking for suspicious things.
- ln the bottom of a glass?!

- You're incompetent.
- Yes, General.

l agree!

- We should have you court-martialled.
- Yes, General.

General, l should say l was only
acting under the Colonel's orders,

- stupid though they were.
- Silence!

General, l can vouch for the fact that
they have searched this place

and while doing so
they beat several peasants

and kicked the proprietor
in a brutal fashion.

Good. This will go in their favour.

Now, let us see
what we have caught in our little net.

lt is l, Leclerc.

The pianist, General.

Oh, the pianist.
Can you play ln Ze Mood?

(Humming ln The Mood)

(Soldier) Out!

We have found these two
lurking in the kitchen.

l see.

- What are these?
- Well, er...

The staff, Herr General.

Yes, this is Fifi and Gigi.

l've not seen these two before.

And it is hard to miss the one on the left
with the big charlies.

They are from out of town, Herr General.

We are so busy
we had to take on extra staff.

Are these the girls
of easy virtue l've heard about?

Well, fairly easy.

Hm. There is much...
vork to do in my chateau.

They are requisitioned.
They start in ze morning.

General, l will be short-handed!

They may return here each evening.

You are most kind, General.

That is all. Come, Gruber!

- The painting...
- A worthless piece of rubbish!

- ls that not so, Colonel?
- Terrible, isn't it?

ls that so?

Are you thinking
what l am thinking, Gruber?

- Van Gogh?
- Mm.

Most assuredly in his style.

You know of these matters -
have it authenticated.

- We are taking the picture.
- But that is stealing!

Yes, that is stealing. Oh, that stare again.

All vorks of art
are ze property of ze F�hrer.

You may come to the chateau
and we will give you a receipt. Take it.

We will continue our search.
Colonel, Captain, follow me.

Heil Hitler!

(All) Heil Hitler!

( ln The Mood played badly on piano)

Oh, shut up!

What are we going to do with these two?

We must tell Michelle at once.

Michelle knows already.

How did you get there?

ln the Resistance
we are trained to appear like phantoms.

l used ze trap door
to ze cellar behind ze bar.

Listen, chaps, there's a real flap on.
Chances are you'll be spotted.

But without our uniforms
we'll be shot as spies.

Without them,
we can't give ourselves up.

- Exactly.
- Will somebody please explain?

We must get them into uniform
or zey will be shot.

But they have no uniforms.

Quick, we must get on
ze wireless to London.

Hang on while l lock the till.

What are you going to do
about the Fallen Madonna?

Absolutely nothing. The General
has solved my problem for me.

- lt is now up to the Colonel.
- Quick, we are wasting time.

Edith. Edith!

Come quickly to my assistance!

What is the matter now, Mama?

Why is my bed full of
white-haired old ladies?

Take no notice, she is hallucinating.

Hallucinating?

How many pairs of feet do you think
your poor old mother-in-law possesses?

We were hiding from the Germans!

We would not be arrrested
drrressed as old crrrones.

Give me ze towel, please.

- (Buzzer)
- They are calling us!

(Moaning)

(All scream)

My God, the things you see
when you haven't got your gun.

'..Nighthawk. 'Allo Nighthawk.

'The airmen 'ave not arrived.

'We must assume
they have crashed in the Channel.

'There will now be
a two-minute silence. Over.'

No, no, 'allo 'allo, they are still 'ere!

They are disguised as French maids

but they could be penetrated
at any moment. Over.

'Obviously an emergency.
What can we do? Over.'

Send British uniforms tonight.

Without them they will be shot. Over.

'Sorry, no planes available for one week.

'All being used to make film
called F For Freddy.

- 'Over and out.'
- No, 'allo...

- Was that good news?
- l'm afraid not.

We need a new plan.
We'll have to get our thinking caps on.

lf we don't get you into uniform
l'm afraid you've had it.

Girls, please take off
those ridiculous wigs.

Von Smallhausen,
can you hear anything?

They have ceased transmitting,
Herr Flick.

lt is fortunate we discovered
the wavelength they were employing.

Ve have also discovered that

there are two British airmen
disguised as French maids.

Do you vish me to search
all the French maids in ze town?

What makes you think you would gain
entry into any house

with your hat covered in bird droppings?

Herr Flick, l have brought you
your cup of Gestapo lnstant Beef Tea.

You are late.
And where are the croutons?

Sorry, Herr Flick. Was there
anything good on the vireless?

We have evidence that
there are two British airmen

disguised as French maids.

There are two new maids
at the Caf� Ren�.

Did you notice anything...
strange about them?

Nothing l could put my finger on.

- We will investigate.
- (Laughing)

Vot is so funny?

Tommy Handley -
''Can l do you now, sir?''

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

Outside the front of your coffee,
under the limp post

are a couple of tits.

He means tarts.

We know about them.

They are the British airmen in disguise,
there is a big search going on for them.

Get out there,
make sure nobody picks them up, hm?

Leave it to moo.

(Sighs)

These heels are killing me.

You're the one who insisted
on wearing them.

Well...l've got jolly good ankles.

What are you going to do
if someone tries to pick you up?

Oh, what a good wheeze.
You look revolting.

KV! A punter!

Mauve along, you rindy little man.

Rrren�, Edith.

You are wanted in the back rrroom.
lt is Michelle.

Oh, 'eck.

M Leclerc, supervise the caf�.

And keep your fingers out of the till.

l have plans to hide the airmen
where they will never be found.

For this operation l have recruited
the bravest man in France.

l thought l was
the bravest man in France?

Not since you galloped off
in that gypsy caravan.

Pay attention.

M Alfonse, undertaker -
swiftly and with style.

Gracious, beautiful madame,
l kiss your hand.

Every night before l go to sleep
l think about you for ten minutes.

(Grunts)

Sometimes longer.

Forgive me, monsieur,
but you will be aware

that to this gorgeous lady
l have forever lost my heart.

And apparently your marbles.

Mademoiselle. Mademoiselle.

Listen very carefully.
l shall say this only once.

l have heard it all before
so for me it is twice.

M Alfonse has every night
in his mortuary been digging a tunnel.

Vive la France.

You are asking, ''Where does it lead?''

l am not, actually.

lt leads to the other side of the road.

Good.

On the other side of the road

is the transit camp
for British prisoners of war.

These are airmen
who await transport to Germany.

ln this camp the prisoners
are also digging a tunnel.

The tunnels are about to connect.

The prisoners will escape
when we have made the arrangements.

lf you are thinking of bringing
any more British airmen here

you can forget it -
we have not got rid of our present stock.

You do not understand,
we will hide your airmen in the camp

where they can obtain uniforms.

Oh, l think that is a wonderful idea!

Yes, this is definitely
the first time in history

that British airmen
have tunnelled into a prison camp!

But how can we trrransport
the airmen to the mortuarrry

without arrrousing suspicion?

There are Germans everywhere,
there is a curfew.

M Alfonse and we of the Resistance
have done our part.

The rest is up to you.

- Hang on a minute!
- l must go now into the night.

When you have a plan, phone M Alfonse.

- (Ren�) But a-a-a...
- My card. 24-hour service.

Just a minute, how long have we got?

They must be gone from here
before morning.

ls that not typical?

She gives us half a plan
and then she disappears into the night!

(Clattering, yelling)

And she forgets her flashlight.

My brain is fermenting with an idea.

Bottle it and serve it up later.

l am going to lie down.

(lnaudible)

This is very humiliating, Hans.

ls a general allowed
to commandeer your office?

ls it in the rules?

A general can do anything he likes.

l shall be the laughing stock of the army.

l von't laugh at you, Colonel.

You've always been very kind to me,
in your bluff, overbearing way.

He's very quiet in there.

- He is checking your drawers.
- He won't find anything.

- Your Health & Efficiency magazine?
- l told you to throw that away!

The General will see you now.

Stomach in, chest out!

Don't be ridiculous!

- Heil Hitler.
- Tler.

- (Did he hear us? )
- Shh.

- Heil Hitler!
- Tler!

- (Should we sit down? )
- Stop whispering.

- Stop whispering, Hans.
- Come here.

l have read your reports
on the occupation of the town.

Handwriting good, effort ineffectual.

l want results and l want them now.

lf there are British airmen here
l want them captured.

Every lead you have so far obtained
points to this caf�, Caf� Ren�.

lt is highly suspicious.

For instance,
why would a small provincial caf�

- have a genuine Van Gogh?
- A genuine Van Gogh?

- A genuine Van Gogh?!
- lt will be sent to Hitler.

Would you like us to post it?

No, you will concentrate on the caf�.

Ve vill close it down tonight,
arrest everybody and shoot hostages.

We will show them who is boss.

Typical! Have you never
heard the expression

''softly softly catchee monkey''?

Was that from the film King Kong?

Every British airman
who is shot down disappears.

They must be going somewhere.
Our best clue is this caf�.

Watch it as a cat watches a mouse.

But make no move
without my permission.

That is all. You may go.

- Heil Hitler.
- Tler.

- Heil Hitler!
- Tler!

Get out!

Gruber!

General?

Zis, er, Van Gogh,

it will be worth a great deal
of money after the war, no?

Yes indeed, General.

Can you keep a secret?

Well, l've done pretty well up to now.

Have it copied -
but say nothing to anyone.

- Yes, General.
- (Door opens)

Herrs Otto Flick and Engelbert
von Smallhausen of the Gestapo

are here in accordance
with your instructions.

Send in the Herrs. You may go, Gruber.

(Yells) Come in here!

- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler.

What arrangements have you made

to keep the Caf� Ren�
under observation?

We intend to infiltrate
the caf� in disguise.

What sort of disguise?

Not approved.

But...you can stay
and have a drink, if you like.

l'm not much to look at

Not much to see

Just glad l'm living

And lucky to be

But l've got a someone

Crazy for me

He's funny zat vay

l can't save a dollar

Ain't worth a cent

He doesn't holler

He'd live in a tent...

He must be in the tank corps.

You're not supposed
to be enjoying yourself,

you're supposed to be vatching.

The Colonel and the Captain
are well away.

As newts.

Yvette should have no problem
getting the gun.

Edith, if this plan of yours goes wrong

there will not be a wall big enough
to shoot us all against.

How else can we get
the bodies to the mortuary?

..better off if l vent away

But why should l leave him?

Why should l go?

He'd be much better off
without me, l know

l have a someone

Crazy for me

He's funny zat vay!

- Mm...
- Oh, Captain!

(Both laughing)

Oh, if you will take
your naughty hand off my knee

l will get you some more wine.

Sorry, l was just warming it.

(Laughs) l won't be a moment.

(Laughs)

'Ere, l 'ave ze Captain's gun.

Quick, Ren�, the blanks.

Oh, yes.

Quick, Gruber is coming across.

Put it back in his 'olster.

You have not lost your touch,
l see, Lieutenant.

Just one of my little talents.

For a while l was a comic singer.

Your wife has asked me to play
for her next appearance.

- Here is the music.
- Ah.

Spanish Flamenco Fandango. Hm.

- What key?
- Oh, she does not mind,

she plays the castanets.

Where is M Leclerc?

ln the kitchen, tuning his violin.

- Where are the airmen?
- Outside with the policeman.

Maria?

Tell them outside to stand by.

Here is the tomato sauce.

- Tell them not to overdo it.
- Rrroger.

Here is your wine, Captain.

Oh, thank you. Come along.

Oh, you bad, bad little German, you.

(Both laugh)

(Chuckles) Ol�! How do l look?

lt is you, Leclerc.

Are the blank cartridges in the revolver?

You just do your bit.

- Do you know your words?
- Of course.

They are here.

Stand by, l will give you the signal.

l will then send in the two tits.

l will myself enter after
two shats from the revilver.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Tonight is carnival night
at the Caf� Ren�!

Mme Edith presents for you,
by popular request,

a Spanish extravaganza!

lt cannot be vorse than her singing.

Don't bet on it.

Ladies and gentlemen -
Flamenco Fandango!

One, two, three four!

( Dramatic flamenco)

Ol�!

(Ren�) This is the hardest part.

- Stop the music!
- (Music stops)

How dare you! You faithless deceiver!

Pleasuring yourself
with women of the streets

while l am working off my butt!

Perhaps l prefer
the women of the streets

to an old clacker of castanets!

Oh! Captain!

Are you prepared to see me insulted
in my own caf� in this manner?

Well, l hadn't thought about it.

Dance on, strumpet,
l am taking these two upstairs.

Oh! Y-Yes.

Mme Edith, how can you allow
this insult to go unavenged?

Allow me to strike him.

Stand aside!

Die, like a dog!

(Groaning)

Oh, my God!

l have missed 'im and shot
the women of the streets!

That was my gun!

Colonel, that was my gun!
She shot them with my gun!

l was pissing by the door...

when l heard two shats.

You are holding in your hand
a smoking goon.

You are clearly the guilty potty.

l did not do it! Tell him!

l was not looking.

Officer, you have no authority
over the glorious German army!

This was just an ordinary
crime of passion

that happens in France
on any Saturday night.

But if it comes to the ears
of General von Klinkerhoffen...

General von Klinkerhoffen!

(..to the ears
of General von Klinkerhoffen...)

..that an officer allowed
his gun to be taken from him,

then he and his superior
would be in very hot water.

You see, you are in it too.

For the usual bribe of 50,000 francs
l trust you will overlook this incident?

- Did l make those?
- Shut up!

ls there an undertaker in the house?

(Clears throat)

M Alfonse, undertaker.

Swiftly and with style.

Oh, what luck!

l will turn to this a blonde eye.

Remove the biddies.

Colonel, Captain, leave quickly
out the back with your troops.

l will see that the General
does not hear of this.

Take the Lieutenant with you.

Quick, Hans.

- Gruber!
- l didn't do it! l did not do it!

(Strohm) Shut up!

(Laughing) Oh, Ren�!

They have swallowed it!
They have swallowed it!

l will tell you one thing, Edith -
these Germans, they are so stupid.

There is no way
they are going to win this war!

- One, two!
- ( Flamenco)