All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0620 - Hi I.Q

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Ladies, does your husband come home
and ask you to cook...

...or clean or care for the children?

We at the law offices of Shirley, Janet
and Patsy can help you.

We say, sue the bastard for stress.

Shirley, Janet and Patsy
got me 2. 5 million.

- Hi, Peg.
- Oh, hi, Al.

- Want some dinner?
- Not tonight, Peg.

I've learned to live on plaque.

Besides, I have everything I need
right here.

Oh, Al, you got Shower in a Box.

No, Peg, I couldn't afford it because
years ago, I bought Wife on the Couch.

Now, feast your eyes on this:
The Handyman's Workbench 5000.

Oh, Al, hold me.
I want this moment to last forever.

Don't worry, every moment with you
seems like it'll last forever.

Oh, baby. This is gonna bring me
such pleasure.

"Some assembly required."

Shall I take it downstairs and put it
on the "no assembly achieved" pile?

Al, why didn't you have them
assemble it for you?

There, right there is what's
wrong with this country.

We've become too dependent
on other people.

Whatever happened to
the spirit of do-it-yourself?

It's alive and well in our bedroom.

Well, I, too, need something
to fiddle with.

So... So if you'll excuse me,
I shall organize my tools.

- Then you'll see some fixing.
- Just like you fixed the step?

Of course, I could've changed
the light bulb.

Mom, I heard a scream.
Did Dad fall down the stairs again?

Cool.

Oh, hey, Kel. What are you doing
outside fully clothed?

I'm waiting for the mail.

I'm expecting an invitation for Alpha.
You know, that club for smart people.

Kel, you need a real high IQ
to join Alpha.

- I've been turned down for that.
- That and everything else in the world.

Seriously, Kel, now,
what are you doing outside?

Did you get this far
and you can't find the house?

Laugh on, goo-boy.

But remember: He who laughs last
laughs west.

I happened to meet a guy
who's a member.

He had me fill out some forms
and said if I qualified...

Hi, Mr. Mailman.

He said if I qualified,
that I'd be getting an invitation...

...to the new-members party
today in the mail.

That's, "party." Let me explain
the concept to you.

You know when you line up
your toy soldiers...

...and put cupcakes in front of them.

It's kind of like that,
but with real people.

I just wish the damn mail
would come.

Here it is, Kel.

Oh, God, the mailman
must be invisible.

Alpha, huh?

Let's see...
Dad's bills.

Jury duty for Mom.

Playboy for you.

Playboy for Dad.

Playgirl for Mom.

Bitches in Heat for Buck.

And here it is.
My invitation to Alpha.

Read it to me, Bud.

I don't have to read it, Kel.

It says " Congratulations,
Miss Bundy.

Your IQ score has placed you
square in the middle...

...between an ashtray
and a pickle jar."

"Congratulations, Miss Bundy.

You have been invited to
our new-members mixer"?

- It can't be.
- I'm in. I'm in.

I'm a genius and you're not:

Let me read this again. Ten thousand
special ed teachers can't be wrong.

I'll prove it. Quick:
How many are in a gross?

You and four friends.

I shall now leave you to wallow in the
murky world of your own Bud-dom.

I shall now let the family
behold my genius.

It turns, therefore, I am.

You know, I tease Al about it...

...but there is nothing more exciting
than seeing real men...

...use their hands and minds as one.
- I know.

Look at the sweat
glistening off their bodies.

Muscles tensed, brows furrowed.
I think they're almost finished.

- Yes!
- I think they did it.

And in only 15 minutes.

Peg, we've opened the box.

Gee, that's great, honey.

Today the box,
tomorrow the cap on the toothpaste.

You just can't stand to see a man
get ahead, can you?

Hey, if the box was that easy to open,
imagine how easy the rest is gonna be.

Excuse me, Fred and Barney.

Before you start running around the
room, slapping each other's heinies...

...how long is this gonna take you?
- Directions say 20 minutes.

I say we can do it under 15.
Just watch our dust.

Where were we?

Step one.

Well, read it to me.

"Congratulations on your purchase
of the easy-to-put-together...

...Handyman's Workbench 5000.
Open box."

Well, we did that.

Look, Peggy. Husbands in the mist.

They're all the same.
My father was like that.

He would sit on the porch and whittle
the same piece of wood for hours...

...before he realized it was his finger.

The only day my father would build
was Christmas Eve.

He'd put together all my toys.

Till I was old enough
to know it was him...

...I always thought it was Santa
downstairs yelling:

"Damn kid and her freaking wagon!"

And then I'd go downstairs
on Christmas Day...

...and find all my shiny, new,
bloody toys.

Well, then this should bring back
some memories.

Al's getting ready
to use the staple gun.

- Oh, you little baby.
- Oh, get me loose.

No. No, now, it'll slow us up.

Have you seen any of those
L-shaped things?

No. No, I've been finding these pieces
shaped like sevens.

What idiot packed this box?

Oh, well, maybe I can reshape them
with my blowtorch.

- Blowtorch?
- Blowtorch?

Please, please.
Kel, please take me with you.

No, you are too stupid to get in.

But I'll bring you back some leftovers
in a dummy bag.

Now, go away before I'm tardy
for the party.

Watch me as I effortlessly
turn the knob.

Very interesting. Push in, pull out.
How should I remember that?

Well...

"Push," unlike "pull,"
starts with a P.

Make new thoughts,
but keep the old.

One is silver and the other is old.

I've gotta get to the bottom of this.

This blowtorch doesn't look clogged
to me.

- You hold the lighter and let me look.
- All right.

You can almost hear
the Looney Tunes theme, can't you?

- My eyebrows!
- AI.

- My eyebrows!
- Come on, Al!

Somebody put out my eyebrows!

Relax, Al, I'm depriving the fire
of oxygen.

That's... That's better.

Well, no... No need to worry.
Fire's out.

One, two, three...

This is to identify all new members.

Thank you, kind sir
of merely average intelligence.

Do you have an invitation, sir?

This is a bus pass, sir.

I must have left my invitation
at the hospital...

...where I work as a doctor
at this young age.

- Oh, name?
- Howser. Doogie Howser.

- Go away, sir.
- Alrighty.

But don't come crying to me,
saying, "Help me, Dr. Howser"...

...when your high-paying, high-stress
job gives you an ulcer.

Hi, my name's Harvey.
These parties are such a gas.

- Hi there, Harv. Say, nice pencil pouch.
- Well, l...

Well, of course the Soviet Union
was bound to fall.

I mean, it's all the way
on the edge of the map.

Kelly, you really should share
your theory with Ivan over there.

And while you're there, tell him your
theory about how snowmen are born.

- Was I wrong about her?
- She is all you said and more.

She's sure to win you
the "stupidest date" award.

Well, when I found her,
she was just staring at a door.

But yours is no slouch.

God, I love these idiot parties.

Well, of course I'm very intelligent...

...but I feel I make the statement
that brains and decent knockers...

...can go hand in hand to march us
proudly into the 19th century.

- Kel.
- Bud.

I think you made a wrong turn.

The Pimples Without Partners
meeting is down the hall.

I don't know if I should tell you this,
what with me hating you and all...

...but do you know what a
"pig party" is?

Of course, I do. I'm a genius.

It's where a bunch of cute people
find ugly dates, pretend to like them...

...take them to a party
and laugh at them until they cry.

- So you've done it before?
- That hurts.

Have I ever invited you to a party?

Now, that should prove
that I've never been to one.

Well, you've been to one now.

This is Alpha's version
of a pig party, Kel.

Instead of ugly, they invite...
How should I put this delicately?

- Morons, cretins, fools,
mind-blowing imbeciles.

Everyone with a patch
is someone's dumb date.

Come on, I'll show you.

Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.

I'm Delbert. I'm a Los Angeles
public school teacher.

That doesn't prove anything.

He could just be a temp
or something.

Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.

Hi, I'm Ralph.
I'm a network executive.

- But I'm still not sold.
- Well, does this sell you?

Oh, my God, it's true.

- Kel. Kel, wait.
- Leave me alone.

You just wanna rub it in.

I got the rest of my life to do that.

I just wanted to tell you
not to feel bad.

Not to feel bad? How can I not?

Do you know what it's like to have
people laughing at you at a party?

To have them talk behind your back?
To exist only to be made fun of?

Well, naturally, you do, but I don't.

It hurts. Let's go.

Kel, come on. You can't run and hide.
That's not the Bundy way.

You gotta get back at these people
the Bundy way.

But I like changing my underwear.

The other Bundy way, Kel.

Destroy their superior smiles
with sheer, pointless violence.

You'd do that for me even after
the way I treated you tonight?

Hey, they did turn me down.

Well, then you'd have to go
beat up every girl in Chicago.

I'm just kidding you,
you little wallaby.

Let's go kick a little genius butt.

Hey, five-eyes.

Attention all guests.
We are the intellectually challenged.

Does that mean we let nerds
make fun of us?

That would make us lower than them.

So I say, let's return
to the pecking order of high school.

So come on, people, if you're stupid
and you know it, punch a nerd.

That's right. Make them
eat their pencil pouches.

Kel. Kel, come on.
I think we're finished here.

Okay.

All right, let me know
when I get all the way through.

Okey-dokey.

Sorry, pal.

- Oh, can I have that one?
- Well, you'll have to trade me.

Well, I have a nice action shot...

...of the men
nailing themselves together...

...and then running
around the room idiotically.

Well, how about this one of Al's face
when the circular saw fell in lap?

Give me one of them
L-shaped things.

Well, there's only one more left.

You'll have to make some more
out of these extra sevens.

I can't find the hole.

Hell, I'll just sand the whole thing.
It's like my Dad used to say:

"There is no mix-up
a sander can't fix up."

- God, that's beautiful.
- Plug us in, buddy.

Al, don't you have too many things
plugged in already?

Peg, the only experience you have
are with things that use batteries.

Men know plugs.

- Plug us in, pal.
- Photo op.

He hasn't moved like that in years.

Do you think Jefferson is stupid enough
to try and unplug him now?

I'll save you, buddy.

I guess he is.

- To men.
- To men.

Hi, Daddy. I couldn't sleep.

Well, since you're up,
share Daddy's triumph.

The Handyman Workbench 5000.

- It's very nice, Daddy.
- Oh, don't touch it.

It's just for looking at.

- So, what's up?
- Daddy, do you think I'm stupid?

Well...

Pumpkin, "stupid" is a relative term.

Well, you're a relative.
That's why I'm asking you.

Well, pumpkin, see, some people
like to call someone...

Let's say you.

- Stupid because you just haven't found
what you're really good at yet.

And everybody's good at something.
Take me, I'm good with my hands.

And your mother.
Who's ever been better...

...at doing nothing than your mother?

We'll forget about Bud
because he's actually smart...

...and we'll move on to Buck.
Remember when he was a puppy...

...he used to run all around
with all that energy?

Well, obviously he didn't like it.

But years later, he found out
what he's good at.

Look at him, laying up there.

Attaboy, Buck.

What I'm saying, sweetheart, is
if you give yourself enough time...

...you'll find out
what you're good at too.

But I'm tired of waiting.

I'm afraid I'm never gonna find it.

Maybe what I'm good at
is being stupid.

I guess it'll have to be enough.

I'd feel better if there was just
one person on his earth...

...that I was smarter than.

Good night, Daddy.

Jefferson?

Jefferson, come see, I finished it.
I finished it.

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