All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S03E03.720p.HDTV.X264-MRSK

Kids, I know you think
that you've heard every story

from back before I met
your mother,

but there are
some stories you tell

and some stories you don't.

Oh, my God!...
Oh, my God...

- Use your words, Ted.
- Okay.

Barney,

- I'm about to go for the belt.
- The belt?

- The belt.
- But that's impossible.

You were up here
less than half an hour ago.

Yes! Advantage Ericksen.

Don't get cocky.

- Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
- Fortnight.

British words are so cool.

Plus, did you know lawyers
there get to wear wigs?

I wear a wig to work,
I'm a jackass.

All right. I'm ready.
Let's hit it.

We can't go. Tournament.

What? We agreed. I suited up...

You take too long
to get ready.

What are you talking about?

I got the low maintenance,
just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

Yeah, which takes an hour
and a half of waxing,

tugging and teasing to achieve.

And then he starts on his hair.

Ace!

Look, are we going or not?

Just go without us.
We'll be there in five minutes.

Really?

- Yes!
- Yes!

All right, I'm going
down to the bar.

I'm ordering three beers.
I'll see you guys in five minutes.

Three beers, five minutes.

Thanks for lending me these boots.
Where'd you get them from?

This store in the Village
had one of those crazy sales.

It was a footwear feeding frenzy.

I saw it first!

You just made the list, bitch!

So many questions.

Firstly, what do you think would
happen if a guy walked into that store

wearing a suit of boots?

You look fantastic in them, Robin.

But don't you think they're
a little high for that dress?

Well, that's the point: It's to hide
that fact that I haven't shaved my legs.

I've begun a strict no-shave policy

for the first three dates.

It's all about self-control.

If I don't shave, I must behave.

FYI: It doesn't matter, baby.

Guys just want to get on the green.
They don't mind going through the rough.

Shh-clackey!

Stinson.

All right, the beers are here.

Yeah, we're not going to make it.

Oh, come on! We agreed...

Did Marshall take his pants off?

Yeah, pants are off.

This is Wimbledon, Ted.

I need the freedom and mobility
that only underwear can provide.

Cheerio!

Fine.

I don't need friends.
I got you guys.

You guys are my friends,

my cold refreshing friends.

I'm talking to beer.

Ted? Trudy.

Trudy.

Oh, my God. I haven't
seen you since...

I slept with you then
climbed down the fire escape.

That was you?

I'm kidding.

I was super-wasted...

That night...
These are not all for me.

No, I was going to call you,
but I was so embarrassed.

You were embarrassed?

I was like, "I really like this guy,
and now I'm climbing out his window,"

and I forgot my underwear...

Those were yours?
God, I thought they felt kind of tight.

I'm kidding.
I don't wear underwear.

Ladies' underwear. Often.

Ah! Again, I'm kidding.

I'm so glad I ran into you.

I know. Do you want to...?

Trudy?!

No way!

Oh, my God!
Rachel, how are you?

- Ted, this is Rachel.
- Hi!

- Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Whoo!
- Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Whoo!

Wait, let me guess.
You guys met in prison.

No! We were sorority sisters.

And best friends forever
all sophomore year.

When we weren't
at each other's throats.

We could be so competitive.
Uh, but that's all behind us now.

Hey, mista! Hey, mista!
Stay away from my sista! Whoo!

We have so much
catching up to do.

Okay. Are you going to
Stacey's wedding?

Oh, it's off. Apparently,
he's into dudes.

Nah! Again?!
That's like her third one.

I know!

Well, beers,
what do you want to do?

We could stay here... or I know
this other place called "My Belly."

So, Trudy and I got a table.

Oh, that's cool. I was going to get out
of here anyway. I'm really tired.

I want you to stay.

Tired of people who fold early,
'cause I am wide awake!

Okay, guys... be cool.

How I met your mother 3x03
- Third Wheel -

- A-kaza-oui!
- Aah!

You've been vanquished, old bean.

That's 'cause you distracted me.

You've been hanging crumpet
ever since the third set.

Ah... Stinson.

I've got a situation.

Trudy is here... you know,
from the pineapple incident?

Oh, you mean the girl
that chalked your pool cue

and then snuck down
the fire escape? Respect.

So, we're hitting it off
and then her friend shows up

and they're kind of competitive.

I think the new girl's
kind of into me.

So you now have two on the line?

- And I don't know which one to go for.
- Go for the new girl!

Given the choice, always party
with Dr. Strangelove.

New girl? What new girl?

Two girls are allegedly vying
for Ted's affections, and I think...

Oh, you don't know what you're
talking about. Give it to me.

- Are they friends?
- Uh, yeah.

Uh, no... I-I don't know.
They're old sorority sisters.

Are they Betas?

Because they're all sluts,
and you can tell them right now

I didn't want to be
in their sorority anyway.

They're Kappas, and...

I think I can score with
one of them.

I don't know which one, and
if I chose wrong, I lose them both.

Okay, well, don't worry. I'll-I'll
come down and help you figure it out.

I thought we were in
for the evening?

That's what I thought about your
bangers and mash down there,

but I guess we're both wrong, guv'na.

- Hey.
- Oh, Ted. Okay...

- Settle an argument.
- Mm-hmm.

Is it stealing if you go out
with someone's boyfriend

after they've broken up?

- Well, that's very complicated...
- See?! He agrees with me.

You're such a little man-thief.

You're the man-thief, man-thief.

Oh, somebody should lock
you girls up.

You're so funny.

I think Ted is funny.

Really?

I think Ted is hilarious.

I am never not wearing
a suit again.

- Hello?
- It's me. I'm at the bar. Don't look.

- Just call me "Mom."
- Uh, hey, mom. How's dad's...

Colon?

What? What's the matter with you?

Anyway, both of these girls
are into you; take your pick.

- They are? Are you sure?
- Yes, of course.

They're playing with their hair
and touching your arm.

Classic green light.

Are you positive?

That is so fascinating.

So what happened?

Well, after 18 hours of surgery,
I closed,

and, thankfully, both girls just
celebrated their second birthday.

Wow. Gosh, separating
conjoined twins,

that must be
the most amazing feeling.

True, but now the parents
don't know what to do

with their huge supply
of four-legged overalls.

That is so funny.
You're so funny.

Positive.
They both want you bad.

It's a clearance sale
and you're the boots, baby.

- Oh, it's Robin. Good luck.
- Bye, mom.

That's my mom.

- Hello?
- Bring me a razor.

What about the no-shave rule?
What happened to your convictions?

They've been surgically removed
by Dr. Awesome.

No, I'm not doing it.

The whole point
to not shaving was to...

Lily, please!

He's really cute, and I really like him,
and he's got a British accent.

I'm on my way.

So this college boyfriend,
who, who won him?

Neither of us. He left.

Junior year abroad.

It's really too bad, 'cause...

there was that...
one thing we wanted to do.

We were going to do...

- but we never did.
- Why?

Wait, what were you guys going
to do but never did?

No, it's too embarrassing.

- You tell him.
- No, you tell him.

- No, I don't care if you don't care.
- Well, I don't care. I just...

Nobody cares! Just say it.

Why don't we tell him together.

Okay. On three.

One...

Well, he's right: It's a dead heat.

two...

Neither one is giving ground. I could not
tell who was the third wheel.

...three.

It's a tricycle.

- No way, no way, no way!
- What's happening?

- It's a tricycle.
- No way, no way, no way.

It's a tricycle.

Well, I'll just say it right now.
All sorority girls are sluts.

Put him on speaker.

So what you're saying to us right now
is that you have a shot at the belt?

Wait-wait-wait. What belt?

Well, Barney and I have
this running joke that the first guy

to actually pull this off
would "win" the championship belt.

Oh, so it's a metaphorical belt, right?

Behold...

- You actually bought a belt.
- That's right. It's resplendent.

Come on, it was just a thing we said.
We were kidding around.

I never kid.

Remember you said if I ever
slept with that girl

from Days of Our Lives,
I'd be the king?

Well...

Why wasn't I told about the belt?
I could go for the belt.

If Lily would've died before me,
then I could ride the tricycle.

If I died, I would just come back
and haunt your penis.

Guys, come on! Help me out.
What do I do?

All right, Ted, if you're going
to go for the belt,

then the bylaws require me
to ask the following questions:

One: Is the aggregate age
of all participants under 83?

Yes.

Two: Is the aggregate weight
of all participants under 400 pounds?

Yes.

Theodore Mosby...

- are you paying these women?
- What? No.

Ted...

No. Look, I got to go.

They're going to think I inherited
my dad's imaginary bathroom issues.

Oh, are you guys leaving?

Well,

it is getting pretty late.

Right. Well, well, it's been...

Maybe we could all go listen to that
Wilco CD you talked about before.

Great!

I have it right upstairs. It's in my
apartment upstairs. Let's go upstairs.

I'm sorry. Where was your
apartment again?

Ha, that's funny. I love that.

You should tell more jokes
in my apartment upstairs.

Scenario #12:
We're in a horrific car crash.

You die. I'm left paralyzed.

Two sexy nurses,
with a six-pack of wine coolers,

sneak into my room
late at night.

I try to blink at them
in Morse code.

"Please, don't.

I love my dead wife."

But they're medical professionals,
and I got to think,

somehow, they're saving my life.

Fine. Sleep with your nurses.
tonight you ride the unicycle.

I already did this morning.

- Hello.
- Lily,

I have pounded three
cappuccinos waiting for you.

Pretty soon, I won't have to shave,
the hair is going to vibrate off my legs.

I'm sorry, I can't leave now.

Lily, he can't see my legs like this.
I look like a Turkish lesbian.

There's, um, a pharmacy across the street.
Would 20 bucks buy me a razor?

No, but 50 will.

Hold on. Ted's texting me.

"We're combing up-sars."

"Combing up-sars."
What does that mean?

It means they're coming upstairs.

My pants, where's my pants?

Where's my pants?

Got 'em.

Ooh! Nice place.

- Hey, are these your roommates?
- Yes.

Uh, yes,
but they are not here.

They are somewhere else.

We have total privacy because

privacy is essential when you're

listening to music.

You know what else is essential when
you're listening to music?

Music.

That's hilarious.
You are hilarious!

I'll go get it in my bedroom.
The CD's in my bedroom. Bedroom...

Okay. We'll try
and stay out of trouble.

Of course,
we can't promise anything.

This is going to be awesome.

No!

What you guys doing here?
I've got... I've got... I've got...

We know, we know, Ted, well done.

This is very impressive. Up top.

- Yeah, bro, up top.
- Oh, don't be gross.

You guys need to get out of here.
Please, take the fire escape.

No, no way.

The other day I saw a pigeon take
a crap on it and the whole thing..

shifted.

Oh, you can use our bedroom.

Okay, all I need to seal the deal
is the Wilco CD, Barney.

What are you doing?!

I cannot allow Ted to do this.

Wh-what? Why?

Because the belt is my birthright!

You cannot claim it before I do.
That would be like Jimmy Olsen

capturing Lex Luthor while Superman
watches impotently from the bedroom.

But, Barney, you've done
way dirtier stuff than Ted.

You're disgusting.

I've never ridden the tricycle.

I was on the verge last year.
I was so close.

So ladies, why don't we move this party
to a more horizontal location?

Oh, my God, my new carpet!
Oh, my God, this is a disaster.

- You get the carpet cleaner. I'll get a towel.
- Okay.

I'll get the video camera.

- Get out!
- Okay then.

So let me get this straight.
You're going to trike-block me?

That is so petty.
It's like you're...

- Tom Petty.
- Tom Petty.

You're Tom Petty.

Where's Lily?

Still looking for that CD, so...

- What are you doing?
- I knew it. I had a hunch

about that girl and
I was right.

I saw it first!

You just made the list, bitch.

I cannot give up my bedroom
to a boot thief.

She should be punished,
not rewarded.

Fine, then I'll try to work in a little
light spanking. Just do this for me!

No, never.

What if I reimburse you
for the boots, full retail?

- Please enjoy our bedroom.
- Great. Just take it.

Okay, wish me luck.

- Oh, my God.
- You're such a girl.

- Where's the shaving cream?
- You didn't ask me for shaving cream.

Well, it was implied. Who buys a razor
without buying shaving cream?

Well, who doesn't shave
their legs for a date?

Well, who's not getting a tip
because of her attitude?

Well, here's a little tip for you:

shave your legs before you leave
the house, Sasquatch.

Hey, Robin, um, the valet's
brought the car around.

I thought we'd go to my place,

- if you're in the mood for a nightcap.
- Absolutely.

I just have to go to the ladies' room.
I've got TB.

Tiny bladder.

- I'll meet you out front.
- Yeah.

You've got to be kidding me.

Excuse me. Sorry.

So, I'm having a little trouble
finding the CD.

That's okay.

We don't need music...
to have fun.

Exactly.

You do like to have fun,
don't you, Ted?

It's getting late.
I'll get your coats.

- "I'll get your coats"?!
- I don't know why I said that.

Why'd I say that?
It's the opposite of what I meant.

I wanna take clothes off them,
not put more on.

Ted, you're ruining this
for everyone.

Leave him alone!

Sometimes even the greatest warriors
shoot themselves in the foot.

What are you talking about?

If you must know, it wasn't
a freak beverage malfunction

that stopped me from riding
the tricycle that night.

So, Barney,

why don't we take this party to
a more, horizontal location?

- Oh, no, the night's ruined!
- No, baby, it's not.

Yes, it is! Whatever this night
was heading towards is ruined.

Where's my coat?

Why would you do that
to yourself?

Because you get up
in your head, man.

You start thinking,
"I can't do this. It's two women."

That's two of everything,
four of some things.

The logistics alone are enough
to cripple even a pro like me.

See, if a complete degenerate like
Barney choked, what chance do I have?

The best chance in the world.

Fear took the belt from me.

Fear rode the tricycle that night,
my friends.

But fear will not get
a second turn.

- It won't?
- No.

Because I now realize
it isn't my destiny to win the belt.

It is my destiny to help
my friend win it.

Ted is fated to go there first.

He is our Neil Armstrong.

Spacesuit up, Ted,
'cause you're going to the moon.

Step one.

Ladies.

I couldn't find your coats,
but I did find... tequila.

Wait, wait, wait,
a remote control fireplace?

We don't have a remote control fireplace.

Right, that's my apartment.
The dressing gown's mine, too.

Damn, this should be me.
Anyway, continuing...

I am so exhausted.

So exhausted.

Wait, why would I want
to tire them out?

That's your excuse to unleash
pretext for physical contact #1.

You give the most amazing
foot massage.

That's 'cause I used to practice
all the time on my grandmother.

Why in God's name
would I say that?

It's endearing.
You're a caregiver.

Never take family values
out of the equation.

Step three.

Ted, what's wrong?

I was just thinking about
this documentary I saw once

about something
called a super volcano.

Okay, what the hell?

Wait for it.

It can happen at any time.

And obliterate all life on Earth,

which is why
I live by three simple words.

Don't postpone joy.

Oh, my God.

- That's so true.
- Yeah.

The mortality angle.
That's actually pretty good.

- I can do this.
- Yes, you can.

I can't believe I'm going to say this,
but I'm actually moved.

- Bring it in, guys.
- All right.

I'll see you on the other side.

So what happened next?
Did you do it?

It doesn't seem right
to talk about it.

What? No! Tell me.

Don't tell me because you don't have to
because you didn't do it.

You didn't do it.

You did it.

You did it, didn't you?

Did you?

You didn't do it.
Yes, you did.

You did. No, you didn't.
Tell me!

Some stories you tell,
some stories you don't.

That's because you didn't do it.

He didn't do it.

You did it. You did it.
You did it. Tell me, did you?

Ted, belt. Did you?
Did you or didn't you?

Did?

Tell me, please. For the love...
Do you know if he did or didn't?

Oh, hey, um, would you go
in there and see if my date's okay?

- No problem.
- Thank you.

No, nobody's in there,
but the window's actually open.

I guess I shouldn't be
so surprised.

I mean, she was acting weird
all night, right?

Yeah, you know...

why don't I buy you a drink?

Okay.

Did I overhear
that you're a surgeon?

- Guilty as charged.
- Oh, you're so funny.

I'm here! I'm fine!

My head is bleeding.

Going down again.