Original subtitles

GUNFIRE

Greetings.

May I introduce myself?

My name is Lurk,

and I come from a long line of Lurks,

each and every one

P how can I put this? P

a coward.

# Up the Front, up the Front

# The boys are going up the Front

# While we sit at home, learning to knit

# Little Tommy Atkins is doing his bit

# Up the Front, up the Front

# That's where the boys are going

# When we get there, they won't have a chance

# They'll lead Jerry a hell of a dance

# For just three and fourpence we're going to advance

# Up the Front, up the Front

# Up the Front, up the Front

# The boys are going up the Front

# Give them all a kiss P something like this

# So they never know what they're going to miss

# Up the Front, up the Front

# That's where the boys are going

# We'll fight harder, though times may be mean

# They won't worry, whatever they've seen

# And back in your arms, we'll forget that we've been

# Up the Front, up the Front

# The boys are going up the Front #

Where's my boots, eh, Groping?

With Lurk. I'll fetch them, my lord.

My shoes, Fanny, and be quick.

Yes... no, my lady. I'll tell Lurk.

My boots, valet. My sand-brown belt.

With Lurk, sir.

Move!

Sir.

Yes, you've guessed it P I'm the under-footman.

And you can't get much lower than that.

I do the cobbling as well P it's not fair.

There's a load of cobblers upstairs, and they're all a bit slack.

Lurk!

Oh, here it is. His Master's Voice.

His Lordship wants his boots.

Lady Twithampton's feet are bare.

Captain Nigel wants boots P for his feet P and a belt.

All right, all right.

There's a quick belt for Nige, and his boots.

Here's His Lordship's wellies.

Now, where are the old bag's shoes? Here.

Thank you, Mr Lurk.

You're welcome!

Nice girl. A bit spoiled. A bit despoiled, actually.

He's always after her P the butler, Groping.

That's not only his name, that's his hobby P groping.

Look at this. Come on.

Ah! There's the Fanny I worship from afar.

She has a soft spot for me too, though she doesn't often show it.

(GASPS) Fanny!

Where's my over-40s tablet?

Now I'm ready for anything.

(Here comes old Groping!)

Why Lord Twithampton took him on, I shall never know.

They're a very particular family.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

You have to be vetted, you know.

(SCREAMS)

They didn't vet Groping very well.

Mr Groping, what are you doing?

What never can be undone, I would say.

Oh, Fanny!

Unhand me, Mr Groping, this instant!

Don't fight it, Fanny. It's bigger than both of us.

That's why she's fighting it.

Oh, Mr Groping!

You're not going to rape me, are you?

Heads or tails?

Tails.

She's lost... and she's pleased!

(GROWLS)

What a strange thing to use braces for!

That's stretching it a bit. Ha-ha!

We can't do this. What about His Lordship?

I don't fancy His Lordship.

I must save her.

For myself.

(POSH VOICE) I say, Groping, is that you there?

Erm... yes, Your Lordship.

I have to tell you Her Ladyship is expecting...

Pardon?

to go for a drive after luncheon.

Kindly tell the chauffeur to get the motor car prepared.

Oh, and by the way, Groping... give that chap Lurk the day off.

Splendid fellow, that. He's P

What were you doing there?

How can I answer, with this dreadful thing hanging over me?

Oh!

Don't worry, Fanny. I foiled his fondling.

Yes, thanks... for nothing!

Huh! Nothing, she calls it.

Well, she doesn't know any better, poor soul.

Still, I love her dearly,

even if she is only just a common little trollop.

Round here she's known as Fanny By Gaslight.

Or By Moonlight, or By Sunlight.

It's all the same to her P she always closes her eyes.

Come here, you!

I'll teach you to interfere in my private life!

Your life is no concern of mine P especially your private parts.

What?!

Groping, I've been looking for you.

Yes, my lord. Your cravat P it's drooping a little.

It's not surprising, is it? He is 75.

Thank you. One must look smart in one's country's hour of peril.

Silly old fool! Convinced there's going to be a war.

Indeed, My Lord. The Hun is knocking at the gate again.

What rubbish! Who would dare start a war with us?

Morning, guvnor. Ah, Nigel.

The balloon might go up soon, and I'll be off to the war.

Well, be careful. Some strange women about these days.

Erm... sir. War. W-A-R.

Oh, yes, I see!

Well, it'll be hard on me and your mother, stuck here.

I hope we don't get on top of each other.

Don't worry. No fear of that.

Still, for King and country, eh? We'll give Fritz what for!

By jingo, we will, sir!

There's not going to be a war! We're British.

And after all, this is 1914.

The young people today would never allow it.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it. War is declared.

Anyone can make a mistake. Lurk, go and get a paper.

Extra! Extra! Extra!

War is declared! War is declared!

England declares war on Germany! England declares war on Germany!

Extra! War is declared. War is declared.

England declares war on Germany!

Oi, son, what did you say?

(SHOUTS) England declares P

Oh, take it down a bit, will you? You'll hurt yourself.

(LOWER) England declares war.

That's better! Thank you.

And Sir John French will command the Expeditionary Force.

And I'm ready, sir.

Well done!

What about you, Groping?

Oh, I shall join the Gunners.

Good. Take the night off.

Stroke of half past nine, off you go.

Oh, and give the staff the night off too.

Very good, sir.

Damn me, one must make sacrifices,

though it'll all be over by Christmas.

They do say it'll all be over by Christmas.

You'll get your bit of pudding, anyway.

Beg pardon?

Your season of goodwill to all men.

You know how you like a little goose.

Mr Groping's taking me to a meeting later. He's going to volunteer.

Is he? You're joining up, aren't you?

Erm... ah... ooh, well...

I mean, if it'll be over by Christmas, what's the point?

You mean you're not going to fight?

I try to see the other chap's point of view.

The filthy Boche may enjoy being filthy.

Who am I to criticise?

Oh.

That's a white feather P for cowardice, Mr Lurk.

Fanny gave me a white feather.

She called me a coward.

(SIGHS) I don't know.

The only thing I shall stuff will be an eiderdown.

Well, I'll put this with the other family heirlooms.

Where did she say she was going?

'To a recruiting rally in Belgrave Square.'

Roll up! Roll up! Come and see the great Vincento performing!

Roll up! Roll up! Roll up!

PIANO PLAYING

CHILDREN SHOUTING

And now, ladies and gentlemen, my assistant, the lovely Velma,

will move among you and recruit P if I may use an appropriate word P

enlist the help of a gentleman,

(SLURRED) to assist me in my final demonstration,

here on the... on the... stage.

Get on with it!

You'd like to try, wouldn't you?

No, thank you. No, I'd rather....

All right, come along now.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

He's a coward!

Come this way, my dear sir. Over here.

That's right. Let me look at you. Stand over here.

Yes. Look at me.

You are not a coward.

Erm... well, yes. I mean P Enough!

Just stand there, and only observe.

You who scoff at the spirit

of the science of - hic! P hypnotism,

prepare to be not only surprised, but amazed.

AUDIENCE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

I will take your breath away.

I wish you'd take yours away.

Enough.

Relax. Relax.

Relax.

That's it. Relax.

Good. Good.

You want to sleep. Deep sleep.

Deeeep sleeeep.

Deeeep sleeeep.

Deeeep sleeeep.

Deeeeeep sleeeeep.

Deeeeeep sleeeeeep.

(SNORES)

Ah-ha.

CHEERING

Ahhh.

Open your eyes.

Ahhh!

You are Lord Nelson.

Lord Nelson of England!

Here is your spyglass.

I spy with my little P

GUNSHOT

(GROANS)

Some damned Frenchy's put a hole in me!

Kiss me, Hardy.

Kiss me!

Enough!

Relax.

Sleeeeep...

Enough.

Trafalgar is won.

You are England's saviour. Now you are Sir Francis Drake!

Sir Francis Drake!

I shall finish this game...

and still thrash the Spaniards.

Now, where's my balls? I must have my balls.

Where's my orbs?

Just let me get them in my hands.

Enough. Enough.

Sleeeeep.

Enough! Enough.

It is 1914.

CHEERING

You must again save England. We are at war with Germany.

Save England.

God save the King!

Good.

Here are your weapons.

Ha!

Come out of that trench, Fritz! Come on. Ha!

I've saved old England again!

CHEERING

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I will have pleasure in dehyp... hic!... deyhp... dehyp...

in bringing him out of it.

At the count of three, you will awake.

One...

two...

th...

He's drunk again!

Sir, sir.

Sleeeeep deeeeeply.

This way, sir. But I must save England!

This way, sir.

I must save England!

Yes, sir, you must. After the show.

Hello, lads and lasses!

Here's Auntie Cora!

# England, my England

# It's the only land for me

# It was made by God from true British sod

# And she loves every sod that she sees! #

Come on, lads. Who's coming up to volunteer?

Who wants to feel a bloomin' hero?

Come on, lads. Let's have a quick feel!

Come on, lads!

Here's a brave lad!

There's a kiss from Auntie Cora, and here's your King's shilling.

There. Sign over there.

Who's next? Ah, here's another brave lad!

Ah, you don't know what you're missing!

Here's your shilling. There we are, from Auntie Cora.

Mwah! What are you doing?

I'm going on for the pound!

You're jolly not! You'll sign down there.

Ah, yes, yes! I must save England.

Right, son. Me and Lord Kitchener will give you a helping hand.

Thank you very much. Ah, yes!

I must save England!

FANFARE

Well?

Thank you.

All right, all right!

Don't get brutal.

So... this is it?

It is.

Well, it looks a bit of a mess.

Still, I dare say one will get used to it.

All right, you may go, my man.

And you can come and pick me up when it's all over!

Oi! Ooh!

Ah. That's what they mean by the Arras Hole.

Ah, those chaps will tell me where to go.

Oh, excuse me. Could you... erm...

I say, would you...

MAKES KISSING SOUND

Oooh!

I bet he would, too.

I should think he's a godsend out here.

Erm... what was I going to do?

'You must save England.'

Ah, yes.

Save England.

Well, now.

HQ!

What the devil's Harry Quigley doing here?

This is bad, you know. Not a soul here to greet me.

I thought Kitchener might have been here.

Porter!

There must be somebody here.

(GIGGLING)

I don't believe it!

I must look for another film.

You P squaddie! You, come back here.

Now, listen, boy...

It's Lurk!

Yes, Mr Groping.

Stand to attention! Attention, boy!

(BABBLES INCOHERENTLY)

I am a Sergeant-Major.

Yes, I heard that bit.

Which means, as far as you're concerned,

the sun shines out of my arse.

It's been a short summer.

Now, listen to me!

If you make one mistake, I'll have you.

Oh, please, Sergeant-Major. You see, you don't understand.

I'm here to help you.

Oh, are you? That's very nice of you. Thank you. Join us.

Thank you. Where shall I start?

Over here. Sit down.

Here? Oh. There we are.

I've got just the job for you.

(LAUGHS)

And when I come back, I want to be able to see my face in them.

If you're not careful, you'll see them in your bloody face!

SNORING

# Rule Britannia

REVEILLE

All right, you lads! Come on, now! Up! Everybody out.

Come on! Don't hang about! Come on. Let's have you.

Come on! Let's be having you!

ALARM CLOCK

Coming, My Lord.

I've done the boots. I've run your bath.

Where am I?

Good morning, Lurk.

Oh! Good morning.

I trust you slept well.

Oh, very well, thank you.

Seeing you here reminds me of Fanny.

Yes. Everything does.

That'll do. You know, Lurk, hitherto,

I have fallen over backwards to be a father to you.

Oh, indeed you have, sir.

So now there is a little something you can do for me.

Of course.

Get up! Get up!

All right! Don't get your puttees in a paddy!

And get dressed.

Then perhaps you would join us on the parade.

On the parade?

You know where the parade ground is?

Ah, yes. First on the left.

Well, there's your rifle. Here's your bayonet.

You know where to put it, do you?

I know where I'd like to P Lurk!

Yes, sir.

(GROANING)

Where did that one come from?

He copped it in the rear.

How? The Germans aren't behind us.

He was butted by our goat.

Whose side is that bloody animal on?

Nine casualties already P two to the enemy, seven to the goat.

I'd do anything to get rid of it.

Have someone look after it, sir.

Yes, yes.

Now, who's our most expendable man?

Ah! Private Lurk!

Yes, Sergeant-Major.

Sir!

LOUD GUNSHOT

Now, you look like a born leader to me.

Oh, thank you very much, Sergeant-Major!

Well, it had to come, hadn't it?

Yes. So I want you to lead... this.

BLEATS

That?

Yes, and keep it under control. I hold you personally responsible.

Rear rank, attention! Front rank, at ease.

There you are. I now pronounce you man and goat.

Ha-ha-ha (!)

Silly sod!

BUGLE PLAYS

Come back here! He's only practising.

That's great P a stage-struck goat!

Behave yourself, you bearded drop-out!

Be a good boy... or girl.

What are you, anyway?

BLEATS

I'll take your word for it.

All right, you lot.

Chins in, chests out!

Not you, you four-legged cutlet. Get back!

Where are you going now? Get out from there.

BLEATS

RIPPING SOUND

(Get down!)

I hope that goat is under control.

Well, it's under something, but it's not control.

Oh, no!

You're on a charge!

Two million khaki backsides in France, and it picks his!

Damn cockroaches! Unhygienic.

Blast! Missed him.

'Ere you! Where's them spuds, then?

Hello! Lucky I cleaned that yesterday (!)

I'm off on a romantic assignation.

Are you? I have a tryst.

Oh, have you strained yourself?

I'm seeing my beloved Mademoiselle Frou-Frou in ten minutes.

She's sweet and innocent and I love her. You don't know how much.

I do. 25 francs, including soap and towel, I hear.

Don't be cheeky. We meet at Madame Monique's gaff every Wednesday.

Why don't you try it?

Because I do not frequent that kind of gaff P that's why.

I've got better things to do.

Yes, like finishing them spuds off.

You won't see me this afternoon P I'm having it off.

That doesn't surprise me.

He never stops, by the look of him!

# Mademoiselle From Armentieres

That's that lot finished.

'You must save England.'

Now, perhaps, I can get on with winning the war.

Is that the lot (?)

Well, I'll be...!

I don't think I will be P not this afternoon, at any rate.

Look at this fat thing, with two beady little eyes.

Reminds me of Groping.

Aaaarghh!

Oh, I'm wounded!

I'm wounded! Help! Help!

What's up?

Look P my finger.

Get me to the Royal Finger Hospital. I don't see any blood.

Eh? You're right.

It's all gone. I might get all infested. Oh, please!

Listen. Will you do something for me?

If I shouldn't recover...

would you give this to my... my dear old mother?

What is it?

My father's address.

Hey, you do look a bit queer.

Look, this is all that's bent.

You'd better go to the MO.

The MO? Where's the MO?

In the square.

You'll see a door with MO on it. Go on.

Before I change my mind.

THUNDER

Get out of it!

Road hog!

Ah, MO.

Right, stand aside, please. Thank you.

ACCORDION PLAYING

Good afternoon.

But who let you in?

Can't you see? Nobody is free to take care of you.

We haven't got an empty bed.

Don't worry about a bed. A chair will do.

A chair?

Yes.

Pardon me. Yes, sister.

Sister?

Oh, you are a Canadian!

Never mind about the nationality. Can you fix me up now? Be honest.

Erm... yes.

It won't hurt, will it?

Nobody has ever complained before.

Do you think I'll be able to use it again soon after?

Well, not immediatement,

but I do hope you will be coming here often.

Oooh! Charming (!)

We've got a bloodthirsty one here!

Couldn't you soak it in warm water?

Oh! You certainly have very strange ways in Canada!

Look P you go upstairs, and you get undressed,

and I will send somebody to see you as soon as possible.

Thank you, sister.

Will you tell them to treat me gently?

I've never done this before.

I can quite believe it, mon vieux.

And tell whoever it is...

to be careful of the nail.

The nail?!

Oh, we meet all kinds in this business!

Now, go, go!

Oooh! Must be group therapy.

Well, it's better than basket-weaving, at any rate.

Oooh, look!

There must be a shortage of beds.

That nurse is taking his tonsils out on the sofa!

A Canadian virgin.

Formidable!

How was it?

Right marvellous! Just what the doctor ordered.

Oh. What a lovely little ward!

Odd-looking sling. Funny people, these French.

Oh!

Oh, mon cher sergeant!

Madame.

We've got a nice day for it, haven't we?

I am terribly sorry. There is nobody free.

Of course there's somebody free.

Company, 'shun!

Company, two places backwards. March!

See, madame? I told you you were talking nonsense.

Now, who's going to be the lucky girl?

You want your buttons cleaned.

Let me see.

Oh, dear me! All the same old... faces.

Haven't you got anything new?

For you, sergeant,

I have something extra-special.

Just arrived from Paris.

(WHISPERS)

(LAUGHS)

I don't think my back could stand that.

I'll have a try. Sounds very saucy.

And the room number...

is seven.

Makes a change from number nine.

Company, as you were.

(SHRIEKS)

Oh, dear! There's a cold wind blowing up the boulevard.

Hello! The fellow who wore this must have had a problem.

These bloody stairs will be the death of me!

Here we are P number seven.

KNOCKS

God! Groping!

Prepare to advance.

Ah, rearguard action. We'll soon storm that position.

Ah, it's Lurk's sister!

(WHIMPERS)

At last he's found no-man's-land.

PATRIOTIC MUSIC

'War diary.'

'All quiet on the Western Front.'

Now, let's see.

'Today I received a Red Cross parcel,

containing a Balaclava helmet and a treacle pudding.'

'I found the treacle pudding when I put on the helmet.'

EXPLOSION

'The village has changed hands...

with the Jerries...

twelve times...

during the past week.'

Well, now.

As I can't win the war just yet, I think I'll write a poem.

Everybody out! The Germans have captured the village!

Come on! At the double! Get moving!

Come on P out! Come on!

Keep moving!

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

MUSIC STOPS

# Deutschland Uber Alles

Noisy riffraff!

EXPLOSION

'If I should die...'

If I died, I couldn't save England.

'If I were wounded...'

Raus! Raus! Die Englander haben das Dorf besetzt! Raus!

Schnell! Schnell!

'If I were wounded, think...'

No, no.

I might be laid up. I wouldn't fancy that.

Wounded P no.

'If I were scratched...'

Everybody out!

I might get blood poison. Eurghh!

'If I got lockjaw...'

Ooh, no. I couldn't issue commands.

'If I got a splinter...'

Oo-er. That's a point. It could turn septic.

Why sacrifice myself? 'If I should wound an enemy...'

'If I should wound two enemies...'

'If I should annihilate the whole German army...'

Why are you looking tired? I've been writing poetry.

Lurk, come here! I want you.

GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE

Is this it?

Yes, this is no-man's-land.

I'm not surprised. I wouldn't have it as a gift.

Now, you are the forward observation post.

You watch these German trenches.

Any sign of movement, report back to us.

Otherwise, whatever happens, stay here.

Of course.

Don't get caught with your trousers down.

Oh, don't worry P it's too cold. I'll wait till I get back.

Keep your wits about you, and stay hidden.

All right. Wits, wits. You can rely on me, sir.

Yes. I know I can.

To do a bunk.

I'll give him five minutes. Then I'll bet he's gone.

Then I'll have him for desertion. That'll cook his goose with Fanny!

'You must save England.'

Colonel von Gutz, you have the master plan?

Yes, Herr General.

Open the safe, Captain.

Ja wohl, Herr General.

No need to tell you what would happen,

should this master plan fall into enemy hands.

We are aware of the consequences, General.

Gut.

You may sleep in peace tonight. The master plan is safe.

Then let us retire.

At last, I've got Lurk...

just where I want him.

Ah-ha! The trap is ready.

Now the British spider will await the German fly.

SMALL CLICK

Hooray!

Dear, oh, dear! What a terrible night!

You can't see your hand behind your back.

What's that?

Oh, it's my hand. Dear, oh, dear!

Well, all seems quiet.

TWIG SNAPPING

Halt! Who goes there?

Approach and give the password.

BLEATING

Oh, no! It's Billy the Kid!

What are you doing out here? Ooh, you are naughty!

Come on.

You and I must have a little talk, man to goat.

BLEATS

I'll talk first, if you don't mind. Now, stand still there.

Now, listen to me. FOOTSTEPS

Shh! Someone's coming. Shh!

Wohhh!

Ah-ha! Get up!

Congratulations! You are my first prisoner.

Lurk! It's me.

Nigel... Lord Twithampton!

Oh, you've changed!

Yes, you have changed, haven't you? You're a traitor! You have defected.

You filthy swine!

This is what comes of being spoilt by Mummy.

No, I'm not in the German army. I'm Intelligence.

You could have fooled me.

No, no. I mean British Intelligence.

I've been working behind the German lines.

That'll put another two years on the war.

Good God! Is that a goat?

I'm sorry. I can't say.

Cor, this is nice (!)

My first German prisoner turns out to be British.

That'll look good in dispatches (!)

Lurk...

I have in my possession the German master plan for the whole war.

Now, I've got to get it to General Burke at HQ.

Will you take me to your CO?

I'm sorry. I can't.

I cannot leave my post.

But it's a matter of life and death!

I am sorry.

Nothing will make me desert my post.

GUNSHOT

Except that. Follow me.

GUNSHOTS AND EXPLOSIONS

BLEATS

So, the town is in our hands again.

Is the tent for my headquarters ready?

Ja wohl. All is ready, Herr Colonel.

Good. I want the staff officers for ein conference now.

Schnell!

Sofort!

Los, los! Ein Konferenz.

I say, how much further?

Not further. This is it.

For goodness' sake, keep calm! You are an officer.

Now...

Funny. I don't remember this tent.

I think I do.

Pardon?

This is German Headquarters!

Keep calm! Please. There are no Germans here.

GERMAN VOICES

But there are some damned good impressionists. Come on.

Rechts, bitte.

(This way P in here.)

Look in there.

What can you see?

A damned great budgie. Raus! Raus!

Now, what can I do with the plan?

Put it in the safe.

It's been there. Where can I put it?

Don't tempt me. Achtung!

They're coming! Where can we hide?

In... no, you've been there.

Under there.

A damn silly time to call a conference P three in the morning!

Be seated, gentlemen.

I suppose you think it's a damn silly time to hold a conference?

ALL: Nein, nein.

Perfectly logical.

Good. Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Colonel von Gutz, German Intelligence.

(Colonel von Gutz!)

(Sorry. Force of habit.)

We are facing a grave crisis.

We must consider it very carefully.

Snuff, gentlemen? What do you say?

GOAT BLEATS What was that?

Baa-aaa, Herr Colonel.

Very funny, Hamburger (!)

Gentlemen, a master plan of our armies in the field has been stolen.

Was?!

There has been an enemy amongst us.

We believe the theft to be the work of British Intelligence,

a certain Niggel Whips-Waterscrew.

That's me!

Colonel, where was the plan at the time of the theft?

In your safe, Captain.

What? That is impossible! That safe is guarded day and night.

Silence!

The question is: how was the plan stolen?

Well, Captain, I'm waiting for your explanation.

SNEEZES

It's him! (SNEEZES)

Bless you!

Get him, and that 'bless you' fellow!

SNEEZING AND SHOUTING

Freeze!

Round. Round.

Go back.

What do I do now? Sing Swannee?

Fire! Duck!

It's not duck they're after!

MACHINE-GUN FIRE

Good grief! What's this place?

A tattooist's shop. That's his wife.

He practises on her. So does everyone else.

GUNFIRE

Pull the blind down!

The blind, yes.

THUD

Oooh!

SHOUTING

They are somewhere in the square. Find them.

The whole German army's after us.

I'll put the chain on the door, then.

BLEATING

Oh, here he is P Old Faithful.

Wait a minute.

Keep the light on all the time. I want to see every building lit up.

Come in.

And wipe your feet.

There's nothing in there.

Right, we'll search the left. Hurry, hurry, hurry! Schnell!

Schnell, schnell! Over there.

Lurk! Listen.

This is it. Von Gutz knows I've got the master plan,

and he'll try to stop me getting it to General Burke.

So?

Someone's got to volunteer.

There's only me and the goat.

It's got to be you. Think of your army career. You'll go higher.

Yes P angel, first class.

No, no, no! I mean, they'll promote you.

Promote me?

You'll be an officer and a gentleman.

An officer and a gentleman!

You're right P that's my destiny. I'll do it.

Bravo, Lurk! You're welcome.

Remember the password: 'Boiled beef and carrots.'

'Boiled beef and carrots.'

Now we have them. Only three shots left.

EXPLOSIONS

Man the gun! They're British shells!

What's that?

It's not the kettle boiling.

EXPLOSION

Lurk? Lurk!

What can I do with the plan? How can I smuggle it out...?

BUZZING

Well, why not?

I hope you don't mind, Lurk.

(MOANS)

Oh, no!

Hold the lamp!

Don't be naughty. You are naughty.

BUZZING

Schnell! Schnell!

Geh' mal los! Links auch.

Komm!

(GROANS)

Hurry up, you fools!

There's only one shop left.

Give me that thing.

Now to get rid of the plan.

Oh, God, where are my lucifers?

We know where you are, so come out, English swine!

'You must save England.'

EXPLOSION

Save England!

EXPLOSION

Aaaarghh!

We've done it! We've done it!

We're going to be all right.

'You must save England.'

Save England.

I must save England!

There there, Mr Lurk! You were blown up by a shell.

Was I?

And you've got two huge swellings.

Yes, I almost felt them.

Do you know what will happen if we do not retrieve our plan?

It will have serious repercussions.

Serious?! Serious?

The German army is on the march. The plan is in operation.

It cannot be stopped.

I shall stop the Britishers taking it to their HQ.

You shall!

I shall get into their hospital.

Poor Captain Nigel's in a bad way. He's been knocked silly.

Typical! Of all the officers!

Oh, look, is this absolutely necessary?

Absolutely. Now, stop your nonsense.

Ooh, dear! You might have taken your ring off.

It's a little gem.

Ah, thank you.

Ooh!

Mr Lurk, will you look on me as a trained nurse?

Yes, but I'm not a trained invalid, am I?

(GASPS)

Turn over.

Finally! You were near the point of no return.

Over.

What's this?

Well, if you don't know,

something was left out of your training.

No, I mean this.

Well, I mean that. There's writing on it.

What? 'Made in Hong Kong'?

No, it says, 'By order of the High Command of the German Army,

this master plan is P'

That's it! The master plan.

That's what Nigel was doing to me P a tattoo!

What a lowdown trick!

It says, 'Top Secret'.

Well, it could have been better put.

What are you going to do?

This is my chance, my big chance.

My chance to save England.

Now, where's the Headquarters? I must get there.

I'm behind. Get the uniform, will you?

Now, which is the way out?

Let's see what's in here.

(SHRIEKS) Groping! I don't believe it.

Where's my uniform?

Lurk!

There's special uniforms where you're going.

Empey!

You are going to the glass house.

The glass house? I'm not a tomato. I'm the saviour of England.

Please don't take him, Mr Groping.

Sergeant-Major Groping to you!

You're under arrest for desertion.

What is going on here?

He's the one you want! He's a German spy.

I beg your pardon, sir. We'll add 'insulting an officer' to the list.

Officer?! My ar... Auntie Joyce.

(I nearly gave the game away then.)

Can I have a word, Doctor?

Yes.

Please don't let him take Lurk. He's got vital information on him.

Has he?

And he must get it to HQ.

Don't worry. Leave it to me.

Thank you, Doctor. My pleasure.

You're to leave this man in my care.

No, you don't! He's a spy.

You want a crack on the head with my billycock?

What are you, an acrobat?

Get him to a private ward.

With pleasure, sir!

I need to interro... give him the help he needs.

Come on, Nurse. Come with us.

Oh, dear! A gallant young soldier cut down in his prime!

And I haven't had it yet.

Oh, hello, boys!

Look! Meals on wheels.

Come on, boys P a couple of choruses for Cora!

Yes, come on! Let's raise a chorus for Cora!

# Up the Front, up the Front

# Up the Front!

# The boys are going up the Front

# While we sit at home, learning to knit

# Our little Tommy Atkins is doing his bit

# Up the Front, up the Front

# That's where the boys are going

# When they get there, they won't stand a chance

# They'll lead Jerry a hell of a dance

# For just three and fourpence we're going to advance

# Up the Front

Come on, Doctor. Sing out there!

# Up ze Front

# Up the Front

# The boys are going up the Front

# Give them all a kiss P something like this

Thank you, Matron. Very nice!

# Up the Front

# Up the fr...

# That's where the boys are going #

Now, I must get to Headquarters.

I've got it!

Still? With all these soldiers here?

No. Look!

You mean, get plastered?

Sir!

Farewell. You are an angel of mercy.

Oh, it's the least I can do for our gallant Tommies.

Where are you taking this one?

By ambulance to Headquarters.

Just a minute. Who's on there?

Just a young trooper who's given his all.

Poor, brave little chap.

One kiss.

One last kiss.

Eurghh! Pickled onions.

Lurk?

Yes, Mr Groping.

Lurk!

(MOANS)

After him!

Quick! Army Headquarters, before I crack.

Right.

Stop! Stop!

Colonel, how do you explain yourself?

Herr General, I have failed.

And you know the penalty?

Ja, Herr General. I will be shot.

I am bound to offer you the usual alternative.

Thank you, Herr General. You know what to do?

I do, Herr General.

You mean...

What did you see?

BOTH: Nothing.

Neither did I.

The time has now come for me to play my trump card.

General Burke is moving his HQ to Armentieres,

and this stupid British Head of Intelligence

has become infatuated with a certain lady called Mata Hari.

Mata Hari?

She is our top spy.

You're not supposed to know that!

General Burke is giving a party in his HQ tonight.

As usual, Mata Hari will be by his side.

We are leaving at once for Armentieres.

Here we are, mate. HQ.

HQ? Here?

We drive for ten hours and end up back where we started!

It's not my fault if they move the HQ.

Well, I wish they'd settle down somewhere. Oh, dear!

I'll have my coat, too. All right, all right.

Toodle-oo.

Toodle-oo (!)

Now, the thing is, I've got to get into there,

meet General Burke and give him the master plan,

and thus save England.

The thing is, how? How to get in?

Dear, oh, dear.

Just a moment, sir.

Can I see your invitation card?

Invitation card?

You have to have an invitation from Mata Hari.

Oh, Mata, dear old Mata! One of my greatest friends.

I knew him when we were at school.

Him? Mata Hari's a woman.

Well, he was expelled.

Just a minute, sir. What's all this?

Er... fancy dress. It's fancy dress.

Fancy dress?

Yes, the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

It's that deserter!

Oh, look P a Zeppelin!

WALTZ MUSIC

General and Madame du Vivier!

Do you mean you've never met her?

I've not had the pleasure, General Burke.

Neither have I, damn it. Still, she's my hostess tonight.

So one thing might lead to...

The other? (CHUCKLES)

Well, I had thought of that!

Where is the lovely Mata, eh?

In her room finishing off some mail.

Some male, eh?

Lucky devil!

I wonder who he is.

Ja. This information will be very interesting for the Vaterland.

Very interesting, but not as interesting as my work tonight.

Copy it and seal it.

Tonight I must get back the German master plan.

Mata, men worship you.

They tell you your eyes are fabulously beautiful,

that your mouth is warm and inviting.

They tell you your skin is heavenly, that your hair is spun gold.

They tell you that your figure is desirable and sexy.

And why not? I even intoxicate myself.

General and Lady Collins.

And where are you taking that?

(FRENCH ACCENT) Pardon. I must go in and exhibit my onions to Madame.

She don't want onions. Buzz off!

But she always gives me business.

'Ere, it's him again!

Ooh, another Zeppelin!

Eh?

That's it. Get knotted!

APPLAUSE

WALTZ MUSIC

Oooh!

Trust me to pick this room!

CUBICLE DOOR OPENS

(HUMMING)

(HUMMING)

Not bad for a penny.

Now, trousers.

(HUMS 'ALLOUETTE')

Assassin!

Au secours! Quelqu'un a vole mes pantalons!

I know I'm only a woman, but I hear the Germans lost their master plan.

Oh, I know nothing about it.

It must be with the most important man in the army. I wonder who it is.

Oh, me, of course. Me.

But you just said you know nothing.

I know everything.

You will see it. You're important.

Oh, I erm... (COUGHS)

Are you sure you don't have it?

Afraid not, but talking of 'having it' P

Darling, I'll see you later.

Sir Grumble de Grunt.

'You must save England.'

I must P for King and country.

Pardon?

Oh, I'd love a glass of Pardon. Thank you, garcon.

The Minister of Weapons.

I do not think the foolish Englishman has the plan.

Good.

Mein Gott!

What is it, Colonel?

You see that man who is lurking over there?

The one in the French uniform?

Yes.

He's an imposter.

He is British.

He has the master plan.

I want you to find out where he is hiding it.

Don't worry. A few drops of my truth serum,

and he'll tell all.

Thank you, Miss Mata Hari.

Auf Wiedersehen, Liebchen.

Sir.

Steak and kidney pie.

No.

Hot eels and mash.

Sir, sorry!

Boiled beef and carrots.

(Boiled beef and carrots!)

# That's the stuff for your Derby Kell' #

Captain Phipps-Fortescue.

Shhh! Not so loud! Not so loud!

He sent me P

Yes, I know. Good man. Now, have you got it?

Yes, I've got it.

Right, well, let me have it.

Erm... could we go upstairs? No, we can't go upstairs.

No, I can't. We must have it now.

Now, look, I'll cautiously turn my back,

and you can discreetly slip it into my hand.

Oh, you've got no hopes of that, sir!

Now, look, I want to see it, and I want to see it now.

And that is an order. Now?

Yes, now. Now? Here?

Yes, indeed, now, and here.

Come along, come along! Hurry up.

Good God! What the hell are you doing?

Do you want to see it now?

Yes, of course I do.

No, not there! Someone stop him!

You heard him P stop that man.

And take those hats off.

BOTH: Ja wohl!

Someone help me! Help me. This man's a maniac!

Oh, ce type-la a vole mes pantalons!

Oh, the place is full of them!

Get them all out! We don't want any French tricks here!

And stay there, English pig-dog!

Well, what am I going to do here?

Come over here.

What a remarkable echo!

Ohh!

It's hardly worthwhile putting this back on again.

I've been waiting for you, darling.

Have you?

No. I'll play hard-to-get.

I've been watching you all evening.

Have you?

Every time I see you I get lumps in my throat.

I should swallow hard, dear. I can see another couple on their way up.

Ah, youth! Drinkies?

Would you like to have a drinky?

But first, wouldn't you like to kiss me?

Mm-hm. Fool!

Mad fool! You're flirting with death.

Don't you realise? I haven't seen a woman for...

20 minutes.

COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

(Oh, so, that's her game.)

To a just peace in our time.

To a juicy piece any time!

Mm-mm-hm.

Mmm-hmm.

And one for the road. Mmm-hmm!

Yes, but first another kiss.

Oh, darling, please.

Oh, of course.

(She won't pull that old gag?)

Of course I will.

In that case, so will I.

Ohh!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Oh, mm-mm!

Oh, do it again!

Oh, you're better than me!

Of course, you've had more practice.

Stop it. Your kisses are like fire!

Let's put another log on and stoke up! Oh, more kisses!

More kisses?

Why not? You're as deserving as any woman.

Mmmmmm!

(DRAWS BREATH)

(SIGHS)

Drinkies?

Drinkies! Cheers.

Cheers.

Did you get the drug? Yes.

Thank God! What sort of drug was it?

Truth drug. Truth drug?!

It's against my religion.

I have to tell the truth, for once in my life.

This could be very interesting.

Now, what vital question shall I ask?

36-22-36.

I haven't asked you yet, dear.

Vital questions will get the right answers.

Tell me P are you a German spy?

Ja wohl, mein Herr. I knew it!

What other vital question can I ask?

I know.

Tell me P before you do drop off,

do you think we have time to...

We don't. Pity.

One more question.

She's made a comeback!

Call me tomorrow.

Game, set and match to England.

Donner and Blitzen. BOTH: Ja wohl.

Komm.

Is anything the matter, Mata?

(HIGH VOICE) No. Come in, darling.

Ah! After him!

Links! Links!

Oh, Groping! Not again!

Lurk!

Och aye!

'Ere, what are you doing here? You're not supposed to be in here!

I... I... shall return!

What's the matter with him? Dirty old man!

GENERAL GRUMBLING

Good evening.

What are you doing in there?

The sarge said, 'Buy the right dress.'

Now, you cannot buy one in France. So, I saw this lot. He'll love that.

I'll call the police. OK, I'll scream for help!

No, don't. I've got a headache. And I'm British. Aren't you British?

Of course. We're doing the cabaret for Mata Hari.

We're the Buttercup Girls.

I'll be pushing up the daisies soon.

I'm on a vital mission.

Mission?

For the British Government.

You've heard of the Government?

Yes.

And I must complete it by November 11, 1918.

Why?

The war ends then, doesn't it?

'Ere, who was that Scottish officer?

He's not a Scottish officer. He's a German spy.

Ooh, is he chasing you?

He's after my hide, in every sense.

What do you mean? Oh, it doesn't matter.

Look, I must disguise myself. Can you help me?

Yes, I've got the very thing. Look P that should cover it.

No, it won't. Not by a long chalk.

Oh, well, how about this one? Ah, now, that's better!

It belongs to the assistant.

What assistant?

A very courageous person.

In that case, it is bound to fit.

Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

And now I would like to introduce to you my lovely assistant,

the beautiful Isabella!

APPLAUSE AND WOLF-WHISTLES

Who are you?

Your assistant.

Where's my assistant?

She's indisposed.

Indisposed?

Pissed.

Stand by that wall.

Why against the wall?

I see.

I'm not cut out for this.

But I soon will be.

Fantastic! No fear in that girl at all.

Not a drop of perspiration on her. The dago's sweating a bit.

KNIFE STRIKING BOARD

(WHIMPERS)

God, he's nicked my knickers!

(LAUGHS) What larks!

She's lost her bloomers!

What's that on her bottom?

Tattoo, sir. Looks like the Front.

No, no, no, the back. Girls have their bottoms at the back.

No, sir. A map of the Front.

Good grief! A map? Boiled beef and carrots?

That she's a he.

The secret panel!

He's gone! Get him. Get him. The war depends on it.

Follow me. I know the way.

# OFFENBACH: Orpheus In The Underworld (Galop)

Now, where am I?

Oh, damn! The key's in.

Not so fast, Lurk. I have ein Luger.

And I have a folding bed.

Aaarghh!

Ah, camouflage.

What? Haven't you seen a tree before?

Sorry, sir. We have branches everywhere!

Lurk!

'You must save England.'

Excuse me. I'm looking for a tree.

(SCREAMS)

Sergeant-Major, you're a sex maniac!

Police, arrest that man!

Not so fast, Herr General. Now is the time to reveal myself.

Good God! Not another one?

Ha!

Private Lurk has the master plan. The Boche attack tonight.

Lurk! Sir!

Bend down.

I thought you'd never ask!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, the enemy are attacking down the right cheek... erm... flank.

We bring the 51st over here, and... Give me another flag.

Another one, sir?

(SCREECHES)

Gentlemen, this could win the war!

Lurk...

I am going to pin a medal on you.

Oh, not now, sir, please! Later.

What a pretty one.

Colonel Lurk, you are wonderful! I salute your courage.

Oh, you mustn't!

And I kiss your endeavour.

Leave that to me. Would you mind?

Certainly.

I don't believe it!

Ah! Private Groping.

Yes, it's true. It's me.

'Relax. You are England's saviour.'

Summer, 1939,

and looking not a day older.

RADIO: "..no such undertaking has been received,

and that consequently, this country is at war with Germany."

Nonsense! The young people today would never allow it.

Well, then, did you hear that?

What?

The Jerries are at it again.

Are they? Well, you'll have to manage without me this time.

I've got the kids to think about.

BLEATING

AIR-RAID SIREN

Captions edited by Ai-Media ai-media.tv