Original subtitles

FELICIA: Oh, my God, we've been to 1,500 places,

and my feet are frickin' killing me.

For the love of Larry Bird, please tell me

you don't hate this one, too.

It is so cute.

Decent closet space.

Water pressure's wild. You basically have

a mini Niagara Falls in there.

-I think I love it. -All right, here we go!

You're an adult now, grown-ass lady.

Wow. I can't believe this is gonna be mine.

I'm really gonna live here.

Like, I'm gonna wake up here in the morning,

you know, and-and make a little cup of coffee,

and... and just sit here and enjoy the view.

But also, I actually really like it when the blinds are down.

I feel like it just has a nice, mysterious vibe.

-SAMANTHA: Yeah. -BRIT: Yeah.

Yeah.

This ice cream's your higher power?

-Why not? -Okay.

I love it. I love it. My-my Bat Mitzvah theme

was Ben & Jerry's flavors.

Weird impulse to want to lick your God.

Also, can I just be honest?

I feel like you can do better than this flavor.

Like, what even is it?

It's maple pecan bacon. It was my dad's favorite.

Samantha.

No. Okay, it's not a dead dad, thing, okay?

It's just it's dead dad adjacent.

Your dad was very, very fallible.

He clearly had terrible taste in ice cream.

-(scoffs) -He left you and your mom.

Don't make me go through the whole speech again, please.

-We're both better than that. -Okay, I won't. I won't.

But, you know, if I let go of him, what's left?

Well, that's exactly the point.

Babe, space.

You will have the space

to really let something else in.

Yeah, it just... It better not be God.

She's really not for me.

Don't put pressure on yourself to figure it all out.

Just leave it open

and allow it to come in.

Higher powers are like pornography.

You'll know it when you see it.

-What if it is pornography? -Oh, my God.

-You're insane. No, it's not. It's not. -(laughing)

I want mint chocolate chip. Come on.

So when am I gonna see this apartment of yours?

Not for a while.

All right? 'Cause I know you're gonna ask

about murders and mold,

and the landlord'll get super annoyed and kick me out

before I even get one night's sleep there.

-Samantha. -Mom.

I'm gonna respect the boundaries you are setting right now.

Wow. Thank you.

If you ever, for any reason,

need to come back, you always have a home here.

Thank you, Mom.

Okay, the movers will be by later for the rest of this.

-Okay. -And I love you.

Love you, too.

-Bye. -Bye.

(Carol sniffles)

♪ ♪

So, when does this runner's high kick in?

Oh, I don't... I don't run. It's terrible for the knees.

-Why the hell am I doing it? -Because you refused

-to do squats. -Oh, yeah.

-Uh, how-how is she? -She's good.

She's Carol. Actually, she's kind of like Carol 2.0.

Kind of seems like she's actually trying

to be better, at least a little. (panting)

-Oh. -(sighs)

Maybe I should call her. Should I call her?

No, Bob, you shouldn't call her.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -It's got to be on her to call you.

-You know what I mean? Yeah. -Yeah, yeah.

Maybe just a text? Like an article she might like,

-or a recipe. -No.

-No. -No contact.

I don't want to do that, either.

-All right, well, um, how do you feel? -The same.

-Yeah? Okay. -Yeah.

But, hey, maybe next time, we go see a movie.

You know? Maybe we're movie friends.

I don't ever want to do this again.

Okay, well, uh, as long as we can keep hanging out,

that'd be great, you know?

I just really enjoy having a stepdaughter figure in my life.

-A stepdaughter figure? -Yeah. (laughs)

Come here, Bob.

-Thank you. -I'm sorry I'm so sweaty.

No, actually, you're not. You did four minutes and 18 seconds.

But you know what I always say-- "No pain, some gain."

-Yeah. -Huh.

ALL: The courage to change the things we can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

MINDY: Keep coming back.

It works if you work it.

I know.

So, I know we don't get speeches for 60 days,

but just want to say, I'm here to stay.

-Not getting rid of me. -Mm.

I have nine years, not that we're comparing.

Feels like we're comparing.

Sometimes a healthy competition is... it's a good thing.

JAMES: Uh, I don't know about that.

-Hi. -Hey. Welcome back.

-Thanks. -It's nice to see you here.

It's really nice to be here.

JAMES: I don't know what it is, but

I've never felt more connected to people.

Today felt different.

Yeah, it felt different. It definitely did, yeah.

It-it didn't, actually. I really wanted...

I wanted to feel something, but I just felt sweaty palms.

That's 'cause you stand next to Mark in the circle.

You ate all the cookies, but didn't leave any money

in the basket? Come on.

What's the point of...

Uh, hi.

Hi. I am, uh, really sorry

about everything that happened after Dean's funeral.

Yeah, you came at me pretty hard.

I did, didn't I? Yeah.

I'm sorry. That day kind of spun me out, and, uh...

Turns out I have really shitty coping mechanisms, so...

Yeah, I have the same ones, but I appreciate the apology.

-Cool. -Cool.

Can we, um, start over?

Hi. I'm James.

Sam. Nice to meet you.

-Hmm. -Congrats on 60 days.

-Thank you. -Mm.

Yeah. Friends can hug, right?

I think I've seen friends hug before.

Yeah, of course, of course.

Oh, look at you two.

Back on your heteronormative bullshit.

(doorbell rings)

Hi.

-Hey. Yo. -Uh, Happy Divorce Day.

Happy Divorce Day.

(chuckles softly)

-So, uh... -Hey, uh,

before we sign the papers, you want a little toursky?

See the house you were supposed to live in?

I kid.

But seriously, though, I mean, the bathroom

-has a bidet. -I don't doubt it.

I mean, Joel, this house is gorgeous.

-Thank you. -The porch is so cute.

-Yeah. -Look at these plants

-Yeah. -and bespoke detail.

-Right? Came out good, I think. -Yeah.

Hey, do you ever think about painting the door?

Yeah, you would have chosen orange.

-Then we'd be in hot water with the HOA. -See?

Designing this house together totally would have done us in.

-(laughs) -Yeah.

So, should we sign the papers?

Sure. Yeah. After you.

And sign here, too, right?

Joel? You okay?

Was it me?

Is it my fault that we didn't work out?

(sighs)

Wasn't you.

I guess it all comes down to... I wasn't ready yet.

And I needed to live more and grow up,

and I had no business being married yet.

Not to you, not to anyone.

You know how we had that joke that if I had a chance

with Michael B. Jordan, all bets would be off?

That was more your joke than our joke, but, yeah.

Uh, the point is...

...I wouldn't have married him either.

I really hated hurting you.

And I've been punishing myself for it.

But it just... it wasn't time.

-I shouldn't have said yes. -No, this is on me, too.

I knew something wasn't right.

All the warning signs were there.

I just didn't check in.

You know, I just...

I ran away with things,

and I'm sorry.

Thank you.

(sighs) Well,

at least you got a really nice house out of it.

Yeah. I mean, I really ran away with a fantasy, though.

-Like, I put marble everywhere. -Oh.

You know that bidet that you liked?

I put one in every bathroom.

Oh, well, no one is mad at a bidet.

I'm a little mad at these bidets.

They were several thousand dollars, from Japan.

They say "hi" to you.

(laughs) Well, that's it.

We are officially divorced.

-Should we celebrate? -Um...

-We should celebrate. -Okay.

I can cook us dinner.

I actually have two ovens 'cause I thought

we were gonna do a ton of hosting,

but we never even had a housewarming party.

Well, let's have a divorce party.

Yes, we could just have a proper goodbye to all of this.

Sure. I accidentally just bought a case of probiotic soda

from Costco, and I've been meaning to unload it,

so that actually works really well.

Oh, and I've got, like, 40 frozen pot pies

-in the freezer. -Oh, I'm gonna stop you there.

-We're gonna order food. Yeah. -Order food, yeah.

That's what I was thinking, too. Like, we can do that.

FELICIA: Let me just check

on that real quick, okay?

Hey.

-Hey, beautiful. -Hi.

-I brought you some hot chocolate. -Huh?

-Mm-hmm. -You never come in during the middle of the day.

What's going on?

Uh, can't a guy just bring something sweet to his sweetie?

Thank you so much.

-That was very sweet of you. -(laughs)

But, uh, you know, I got to get to Mrs. Harris.

She falls asleep in the chair if I don't get to her immediately.

-So... -Oh.

But I'll see you at Brit and Joel's tonight, right?

Yeah, for sure. There's, um...

There's actually something I want to talk to you about.

Oh. Mmm.

-See you tonight? -Yeah.

-Bye, Petey. -Bye.

He is such a little honeybutt, right?

-Let me see your hands. -What?

Let me see your hands.

Ay, mami, you need to go get a manicure, stat.

-I just got these done. You don't like the plaid? -No.

That man is proposing to you tonight.

-No. -Sí.

What?

-Mm-hmm. -No.

-Mm-hmm. -You don't know

what you're talking about, Tina. That's crazy.

Bitch, I've been engaged four times.

-You have? -And divorced twice.

-Oh. -I'd do red.

It really makes diamonds pop.

Hey.

-Alex? -(muffled music through headphones)

Alex?

-Oh, hey. -Hey. Uh,

where is everybody? I thought there was a staff meeting.

No, I cancelled that.

Um, listen, are you sure you're okay?

'Cause you've never canceled a meeting before.

Maybe I'm a just boss that's excited for the weekend.

-Alex, come on. -All right.

No. You know what? I needed a break.

I come in here every day and I have to see you.

And all I want to do is be in a relationship with you,

but I know that's a dead end.

So, this just all sucks, and I don't know what to do.

I-I get it. I do.

I-I have to avoid eye contact with you

every time you walk by my desk to go to the bathroom.

-Have you been drinking a lot of coffee, by the way? -No.

I'm actually doing this whole water thing now. It...

-Uh, that's good. -Yeah.

Even strangers on the street tell me

I look severely dehydrated, so...

Uh, I-I don't mean to be weird,

but how are we gonna get past this

and continue to work together?

Yeah, I just...

I really love this job, you know?

I get paid to write.

So...

if someone has to leave, it's...

it's not gonna be me.

FELICIA: He can't fire you.

I mean, I don't think so, but you never know.

I really don't want to go back to the grocery store.

Well, I'm just putting it out there.

I did appreciate the discount.

-So, what are you gonna do? -I don't know.

Send out résumés, pray to a god I don't believe in?

Wow. This is, like, a real house.

It's really nice.

I guess he is good at building stuff.

-Huh. -His art is terrible, though.

-Mm. -Hey, uh, thanks for driving me.

Oh, you're welcome. I just...

I really can't be alone with Pete right now.

-But you love Pete. -I do love Pete.

But I also love not being married to Pete.

I'm a free spirit. Like, that time

I almost got that bird tattooed on my lower back,

but then I backed out because I can't commit.

Yeah, I remember. That was a really long night.

There's just so much stuff I want to do, know you?

Like, I really want to go to New Zealand

and, like, be on Wheel of Fortune.

I just don't want to be stuck forever.

♪ Spend my whole check at Whole Foods ♪

♪ Yeah, she still texting old dudes ♪

♪ I need gas money like... ♪

I basically built all this, which was nice,

'cause I was alone so much,

so hearing the drill was kind of nice

to get away from that kind of crippling silence, you know?

-Yes. -And then, oh, also, um,

if you look at this end table,

you'll notice there are no screws or nails

or glue anywhere, so...

Huh. That's interesting.

I had no idea that was a thing.

Oh, my God. This is in the kanawa tsugi style?

You know kanawa tsugi?

Do I know about traditional Japanese wood-joinery?

Of course I do.

I took a couple woodworking classes in college.

-I can't believe you know about kanawa tsugi. -Yeah.

It's like our friendship was meant to be, dude.

-It's crazy. It's unbelievable. -(laughing)

Are those real butter crackers?

Yeah.

I don't eat crackers, but I need to not be here.

Also, I mean, how about this? It's, like,

we could be in our own buddy cop movie or something.

Right? Right? Right?

-All right, what's your favorite color? -Uh... okay.

-On the count of three? -Sure.

One, two, three.

BOTH: Blue, but sometimes green!

-Dude, what? That's unbelievable. -Oh, my God.

JAMES: I was... I was gonna wear a green shirt today.

(indistinct chatter)

(sighs)

-Hey, Joel. -Oh, no.

-Don't worry. I'm not gonna jump you. -Okay.

I mean, not with this many witness around.

-Right. Yes. -I'm kidding.

-You're joking. Good. -I'm really sorry about that.

I was in a bad place, if that wasn't obvious.

-Yeah. No, I kind of picked up on that. -Right.

Listen, I don't know why you'd want to be my friend

-after that, but if you did, we could... -No. Sam, stop.

It's not like it's the first insane thing

I've ever seen you do, so...

-Let's just... -Want to eat something?

-I would love to do that. You want cookies? -Yeah. Yeah.

-Oh. -Oh, finally. (laughing)

-(sighs) -I've been hoping to get a moment alone with you.

-Oh, come here. -Wait. No, no, no. No.

This cannot be happening in front of a bidet.

What?

-Are you proposing? -(laughs) No.

(laughing loudly)

Are you?

-What? No. -What?

What? Why have you been acting so weird?

(sighs) Okay.

I have you some news I want to share with you.

Okay.

I, um... I got an offer from a private practice in Michigan.

-Wow. -What?

Okay, yeah.

Here I am thinking you were gonna ask me for forever, but...

you're breaking up with me.

Oh, no, no. No, I don't want to break up with you.

No. I-I know it's a lot,

and I know we got to think about Zacky,

but I found a place near a good school, big yard.

So, do you want to say "screw it"?

Try it for a year, go on an adventure?

Uh, um, uh...

I-I just need...

-FEMALE VOICE: Hello. -(both exclaim)

(water squirting)

-Um, no, I got to get out of here. -Uh...

-(door opens) -(sighs) -Hello.

(indistinct chatter)

I really need some air, Sammy.

(scoffs, sighs)

-Shit. -What's wrong?

You guys, that son of a bitch is moving to Michigan.

-He is? -Yeah. He took a job there.

What, am I gonna go to the New England of the West?

-They haven't even won one frickin' Super Bowl. -Um...

-I'm divorced. -Yeah.

I'm gonna have to click the box that says "divorced"

when I fill out forms.

If I play "Never Have I Ever," and they say,

"Hey, have you ever been divorced?," I'm gonna drink.

Okay, yeah, but you never have to play "Never Have I Ever"

-'cause we're too old for that. -Right.

But I feel so young.

-Okay. -I mean, my life is complete freedom.

I could do anything. Uh, I could hike the Appalachian Trail,

-go see the mountains. -Ooh, now that I could get into.

And everyone's always saying

they find God in the mountains, you know,

-so maybe that could be my higher power. -BRIT: Wait a minute.

What's happening here? This is my freedom fantasy.

No, actually, this is my "boyfriend's moving" freak-out.

-Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. -Yeah.

-I think I'm tired. -You guys want to call it?

♪ It's a mark ♪

♪ I've taken... ♪

♪ And I will carry it with me for a long, long... ♪

All right, sleep well, Sammy.

-Love you. -Love you.

Our problems belong to Tomorrow Us.

(laughing): Yeah.

Hey, happy new place.

-Thank you. I love you both. -Love you.

-Love you. -Bye.

(sighs)

Oh, come on.

(laughing)

♪ Ain't all right ♪

♪ The hardness of my head ♪

♪ Now close your eyes and spin around ♪

♪ Say, hard times you could find, it ♪

♪ Ain't the way that you want ♪

♪ But it's still all right ♪

♪ They say you learn a lot out there ♪

♪ How to scorch and burn ♪

♪ Only have to bury your friends ♪

♪ Then you'll find it gets worse ♪

♪ Standing out on a ledge ♪

♪ With no way to get down ♪

♪ You start praying for wings to grow ♪

♪ Oh, baby, just let go ♪

♪ Hey, tonight, if you think about it ♪

♪ Remembering all the times ♪

♪ That you pointed out ♪

♪ Say, the glass is clear, but all this fear ♪

♪ Starts a-leaving a mark ♪

♪ Your idle hands are all that stands ♪

♪ From your time in the dark ♪

♪ But it's still all right. ♪

-(church bells chime) -Hi.

Oh, my God.

Please tell me you didn't relapse.

No, I didn't. Why would you ask me that?

Babe, you slept on a roof.

I actually didn't sleep at all.

I came up here, and I...

I don't know. Everything kind of fell away.

And I felt really small

and kind of insignificant.

-But in cool way, you know? -Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And then my pen got hot and I started writing,

and I couldn't stop.

You found it.

I'm really proud of you.

Thank you.

What the hell is that bag?

-Oh! Your housewarming presents. -(laughs)

Okay, so, you know, addiction and anxiety.

-You got IBS. -I have IBS.

Yeah, same.

I don't think you're ready to keep anything alive yet.

-That is fake. -Okay.

You don't have to water it.

In case you wanted to go red.

Really?

This is... Oh.

This is for your... upper lip hair.

It's not really housewarming.

I just didn't know how to tell you.

And... earplugs

for the guy upstairs blasting Tom Petty.

-What guy? -I don't know. There's always a guy.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

I want to stay up here.

-Maybe I would look good with red hair. -Let's do it!

-SAMANTHA: Really? -Yeah. I'll do my eyebrows.

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