Original subtitles

- Well, look who it is. - Oh, hi.

- I made coffee. - Oh, God bless you.

(sighs)

So, uh...

I was watching you sleep last night.

Not on no creep shit, but...

- Oh, God, did I do something weird? - No, no, no.

I just think you're really pretty

- when you sleep. - Shut up.

Hey.

Don't speak to me like that in my own home.

You're right. I'm sorry. It was very rude.

- You are pretty rude. - I apologize.

I have a surprise for you.

- Uh-oh. - But you can't be weird about it,

- and you have to close your eyes. - I'll do my best.

Let's go. Come on.

- Oh, God. Okay. - Mm.

- Should I be scared? - Maybe.

- (laughs) - Check it out... now.

(gasps)

- It's a tent. - It is a tent.

And it's, like, one of the top-of-the-line ones

that has, like, this whole

netting for bugs, and then on top of it,

it has, like, this ventilation system

that they were really pushing on me at the store.

- Seems really nice. - Yeah. So, you down?

- For what? - To go camping.

Oh, really?

Let's just go this weekend,

and we can sleep underneath the stars

and wake up with the sun,

- and then we can cuddle... - (chuckles)

because we're afraid of bears.

It'll be a lot of fun. Please?

Mmkay.

I mean, yeah, that sounds kind of awesome.

Okay, that was a lot easier

- than I thought it was gonna be. - (laughs)

I thought you were gonna be quite difficult about this.

Yeah, I mean, I'm sort of surprised, myself, but...

Should we practice being, uh, scared of bears?

- I would love that. - Yeah.

- You know what I mean, right? - Yeah.

Okay.

- Oh. It's kind of nice. Yeah. - I told you.

? Why you got to be so far away ?

? Ah ?

? You don't got to be ?

- ? So far away... ? - SAMANTHA: Oh!

SAMANTHA and ALEX: Oh!

(Samantha laughs)

I'll download a video,

so we don't have this happen when we're camping.

I think that's a good idea.

? So far away. ?

Let's keep talking about the camping thing

'cause I'm genuinely excited about that.

Aw, that's really cute. Honestly, you guys are just

gonna stare at the stars

and try not to poop in front of each other.

You have no idea how well I can hold it.

No, you're gonna have a great time.

Joel and I used to go camping every year.

I'll take you to the camping store.

Ooh, there's one in, uh, Rivertown Mall.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, can we get...

- BOTH: Orange Julius? - Obviously. And some pretzels.

Mm, I love you.

All right, great. Let's go shopping

and get you some cute clothes.

No, no, I don't want cute clothes.

I want a headlamp that opens,

and it's, like, a knife that can kill a bear,

and then it also happens to be a coffee mug.

That's hot.

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Oh.

- Whoa. - Oops, sorry.

- (both laugh) - You-you got to watch it with the door.

It's always stuck, so you got to body slam it,

and then it flies open fast,

and I'm always worried I'm gonna kill someone.

- No, no. It's good. (chuckles) - Okay. (chuckles)

Um, are you lost?

I am not lost.

Okay. Sorry. Um...

- Well, I'm Jim, by the way. - Okay.

- I'm Carol. - Carol.

- Uh-huh. Hi. - Hi, Carol.

Are you here for the Friends and Family of Alcoholics meeting?

Because, usually, we use the main entrance,

- which is over there. - No.

- No? No. (chuckles) - (laughs)

You-you might be here for the Anytime Fitness

or the strip club, which are both next door,

but you're not dressed for the gym,

and the club doesn't open until 5:00, I think.

That's, uh, very funny. No, I'm, um...

I'm returning something...

that's in my car.

I'm returning a book. A book that's in my car.

- You're returning a book? - Mm-hmm. Correct.

Totally get that.

All right. Have a great day.

Good luck. I hope you find

whatever it is you're looking for.

- What do you mean? - I mean...

I guess I mean the bookstore.

That's what you're looking for, and you'll find it.

You know where it is.

Right.

(sighs)

(whispers): For God's sake.

I cannot believe there is no Orange Julius.

Is it even a mall with no Orange Julius?

And the indignity of them making it a Warby Parker.

I know. I'm really offended.

Okay, so, where is the survivalist shit?

'Cause that's what I want. Like, the real stuff.

Okay, you're going for two days.

Well, yeah, but I want to be prepared, you know?

And, honestly, you should be, too.

I think we all know there is an apocalypse coming.

Mm-hmm. Oh, I know what you need.

Uh, Joel had this sleeping bag. I mean, it's super tall,

but I'm pretty sure they make it for regular people, too.

- Yes, okay, great. - Um, God, I'm blanking on the name,

but I think I have it on my phone.

Okay, cool.

(chuckles)

SAMANTHA: Aw, your camping phase. So cute.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

- (chuckles) - I think the sleeping bags

- are over in the camping section. - Oh.

The-the whole store is a camping section, though.

- Right? Okay. - No, it's-it's not.

- It all looks the same to me. - That's really cute.

(laughs)

Ooh, I think I see them. Follow me. That is hiking talk.

BRIT: Okay, MacGyver.

(scattered clapping)

GROUP LEADER: Thanks you for that, Nina.

Does anyone want to share?

Bruce.

(Bruce clears throat)

- Hi. - (members murmur greetings)

So, um, my boss likes to talk, and, lately,

our work gym's been overcrowded,

so the only open squat rack's beside him,

and I take it

because I can't skip leg day,

- but he talks so much. - (phone chimes)

BRUCE: I can't get a good sweat on,

and then my form,

it-it's totally compromised.

- (chuckling softly) Oh, my God. - BRUCE: I'm just...

I'm worried I'm-I'm never gonna achieve my personal best.

If Bruce doesn't kill it on leg day, he's gonna drink.

Okay, Mayor of Judgetown.

Hey, I'm sorry, just feels like Bruce's sobriety's

a little fragile, don't you think?

- James, sit down. - No cross-talk.

I'm sorry, like... your whole share

is worried about getting swole at the gym, I guess?

No cross-talking.

Okay, yeah, enough with the cross-talk. I'll just go.

All right? I'll just talk right now.

Hey, my name is James,

and I have zero days.

Zero.

Hey, James.

- Hmm? - Look,

if you have a real need to share,

you can share with me after the meeting.

You can jump all over me if you want,

but how is Bruce's work gym woes

helping anybody?

How is being drunk helping you?

Nobody in there understands what I'm going through.

I know you're having trouble with the program, but just

keep coming back, okay?

And next time, don't disrespect

the people who are doing the work.

Okay, yeah. You should go back inside.

(door opens)

Thank you.

Ladies, I'm gonna need you to come with me.

Why?

I believe someone may have acquired

some merchandise without paying.

- (laughs) - Respectfully.

Uh, okay, well, it wasn't me,

'cause I paid for all this stuff.

I don't even know what half of it is,

but I paid for it. I have a receipt in here somewhere.

You can ask that lady that I checked out with

or something. I don't know.

Just head to the back, please.

(mocking): Mm, just head to the back, please.

(doorbell chimes)

Baby, what are you doing here?

- It's the middle of the day. - I miss you.

And you want me to do your laundry.

Yeah, I want you to do my laundry, but I also miss you.

(laughs) Okay, okay. It's just that I haven't

seen you in a while,

and, you know, it's Wednesday.

I thought you'd be at work.

Oh, um... this is a bit of our slow time.

You know, we just finished a big job,

and, you know, we're waiting on meetings

and waiting for somebody to bite,

but excuse me for wanting to visit my favorite person.

Favorite? (laughs)

Well, then come on in, Black Santa.

Don't you mean "Real Santa"?

- Ah, thank you. - You're welcome.

JIM: Carol?

You mind?

Please.

(clears throat)

Ugh, burnt.

I hate it when Brian makes the pot.

You're a regular here.

Our meetings are right across the street.

Incidentally, not close to a bookstore.

- And you're enjoying this. - (chuckles) Maybe a little bit.

Look, I didn't like going to these meetings either.

She's in recovery now, but before she was...

(sighs) ...my sister was really bad.

She was such a bitch.

She still is.

It's actually kind of worse now that she's sober.

(laughs) Okay.

But at least now we only fight about libertarianism.

What I'm saying is, the meetings helped our family,

and I'm sure it's a little bit trite from the outside,

- but... - A little.

But they help.

I'm glad they work for you.

I don't think they're gonna work for me.

Programs are not my thing.

Okay. Are they a thing for anyone in your family?

Unfortunately, yes.

Let me guess, your sister.

- Your husband. - My daughter... (sighs)

goes to meetings.

You're too young to have a daughter.

- Ha. - Look,

there's no pressure to participate.

You just have to listen.

Like auditing a class.

(chuckles) Exactly. We have this saying,

"You should go to six meetings.

If you still don't like it, come to six more."

See, that is outright theft,

Jim, of a Buddhist saying.

"If you don't have time to meditate for an hour every day,

you meditate for two hours." (clicks tongue)

This is the issue.

Not giving Buddhists the credit that they're due?

The sayings. The sayings

and the rules and the this and that and... Mm.

I get it.

All right, hear me out.

What if we take all those corny slogans

and sayings, and we arm you with them,

and turn them back against your daughter.

- I mean, how much would that piss her off? - (laughing)

- Okay. Okay. - (chuckles)

That is... that is a fresh take, Jim.

- Right? - Yeah.

Why should she be the only one with these banal

little quips that mean

nothing and excuse

absolutely everything?

Yeah. Stick with me. I mean, I've got, like,

a hundred more ways to go after these sober know-it-alls.

It's... it's one of my passions.

- Go on. - Mm.

(typing on keyboard)

Seriously? Do you want to just look in my bag?

There's nothing in here,

except my wallet, my phone,

and a ChapStick that doesn't have a cap.

MARCUS: You're cool.

- I know you paid. - Wh...

Is there anything you'd like to return to the store?

You're accusing her of stealing?

Look, I know what this is,

and a lot of people are gonna hear about it, okay?

Because I happen to write

for a little something called Hit Pause.

What's Hit Pause?

It's... (scoffs)

hard to explain.

It's a magazine, uh,

it's an online source of

lists and such.

I've never seen it.

Well, you know... (scoffs) It's...

It's a, it's a pretty big deal, actually. I mean,

I don't think that it's really on newsstands

anymore, but when was the last time

you even saw a newsstand, right?

- Can't remember. - Yeah.

- But I'll look out for it. - Great.

I mean... well, you should, because

pretty soon there's gonna be a piece in there about how you

profiled a Harvard-educated

- doctor who... - Sam, stop.

(sighs)

Okay.

I'm willing to let you go this time,

but this cannot happen again.

- One time only. - MARCUS: Wonderful.

Looking forward to reading that article, though.

(chuckles)

You want to stop and get something to eat?

Oh, no, I'm not hungry.

- Don't you have to pack and meet Alex? - Yeah.

You want to talk about what just happened?

No, not right now.

You're talking to someone, though, right? Like a therapist?

Uh, yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah.

If I had a therapist, I would. (chuckles)

I'd be like, "Hey, Linda, guess what?"

But then what, you know?

Linda would die. (laughs) God,

she would so hate me.

Who wants to work with somebody who's

stealing shovels, you know?

I mean, I mean... (stammers)

She would laugh at me. She would probably tell her twins.

Just... I can't have

that family thinking that I'm a thief.

I mean, they're already going through

so much with the separation

and all the anxiety

- and everything... - You know therapy's not about

whether or not they like you.

I don't have a therapist.

- Oh. - What are you talking about?

Sorry, you got really deep into it. I got confused.

I know, but I just said "if."

- Uh-huh. Got it. - Hypothetical.

Look, you know, I-I know

I haven't been acting like me lately.

Obviously, I have some stuff

I need to work through.

I just don't do it with other people.

I mean, ask Joel. That's why our marriage didn't work out.

I-If you want to talk about what happened with Joel...

(stammers) Just go have fun on your trip with Alex.

("Best of It" by V Torres playing)

? Let's make the best ?

? Of it ?

? Let's... ?

ANNALISA: I thought I taught you

how to fold clothes better than that.

- You want me to... - No, no, I got it under control.

You can silently judge me as I fold.

You always got to do things the James way.

That's the only way I know how, so...

This won't happen again.

I'm gonna call the super, and then I'll be out of your hair.

I don't mind you in my hair.

I just want to make sure you're okay

because something is off here.

I'm good.

(sighs)

You only hurt me

when you don't tell me things.

Okay, um...

So I've been having some issues,

a little bit.

I quit my job to focus on the app,

and now my funding is kind of running out.

Baby, I'm sorry.

I just never thought I'd find myself back here.

So... I've kind of just been

waiting for somebody to bite, but, meanwhile,

got no job,

no laundry machine,

no girlfriend, nobody.

What happened with your little friend?

Yeah, Sam and I aren't really talking.

She doesn't think I'm in the best place.

When was the last time you went to church?

Did you hear what I just said?

I don't think I need Jesus right now.

Look...

if you gonna come up in here

and use my Tide Pods for free-ninety-nine,

you can at least join me for Revival, right?

Revival? Are you ser... That's like super church.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, ma'am.

(chuckles)

Just...

O-Okay. All right.

So, just make me understand this.

Is-is-is it the woods that's the problem?

Like, we could just go stay at a hotel.

- We don't have to do... - No, no, it's not, it's not that.

So, are we just moving too fast and I made you commit

to something you didn't want,

and now you're just trying to appease me?

No, I was actually really excited about this.

Genuinely. I bought, like, a ton of expensive stuff.

Um, no, it's just, it's my friend Brit,

she's kind of going through a weird time,

I think, and I just

feel like she shouldn't be alone. I'm sorry.

Is that okay?

Yeah, it's okay. Like, I'm a big boy.

I can stay at home without my girlfriend.

Uh...

Sorry, did you just,

um, call me your girlfriend?

- Yeah, I did do that. I did. - Yeah.

And, um...

and also yourself a-a big boy?

We don't have to talk about that part.

- No, we don't have to talk about that. - No.

I like the girlfriend part, though.

Good. I like it, too.

I'm sorry.

Forgiven.

- (organ playing) - (quiet chatter)

(sighing): Okay, Mom.

That's it?

Yeah, unless God takes Zelle now.

(scoffs)

What you doing?

Here. The church needs a new water heater.

Why do we have to pretend like you didn't just give this to me?

Because I will miss you if you go to Hell.

Okay, Mom.

This place still smells like old mothballs.

(Annalisa laughs)

- James, we're in church. - (both chuckle)

(sighs)

MAN (on TV): First space I'm tackling is the family room.

It doesn't have the best layout.

If you want to have this grand room,

you need to break down some walls

and let natural light in.

The amount of changes this family room has gone through...

- Hi. - What are we watching?

No, aren't you supposed to be off with Alex?

Oh, well, yeah,

but then I had a much better idea.

So, my concrete

overhaul on the fireplace, the sustainable...

You brought me Orange Julius?

It's not that big of a deal.

It's only, what, like, 30 miles north.

? I'd fold the space between... ?

Thank you.

We don't have to talk. I'll just be here.

? I'd fly right into the sun ?

? C'est la vie... ?

Hey, remember when we used to dip it in...

Mm, shh. No talking.

Yeah.

? With you ?

? If I could change ?

? The world ?

? I'd fold the space ?

? Between me and you. ?

? Middle finger to a hater, ooh, un-appreciator ?

? I ain't doing favors, sit down ?

? Should've known better ?

? You could never walk a mile in these heels ?

? I'm the baddest bitch, I don't care ?

? What you think, I'm just saying ?

? I'm just saying ?

? I'm just saying, I'm just saying ?

? Unapologetic, man, yeah, I... said it... ?

- Carol. - Jim.

Hi.

Something I said must've stuck with you.

I think you're here for the meeting,

but you missed it, um,

which I think you know.

(chuckles)

I'm gonna make it into one of these meetings

- one of these days. - I'll tell you what.

I'll be here tomorrow morning,

and if you are,

I'll get you through that door.

Hmm.

- Tomorrow? - Tomorrow.

- Through that door? (sighs) - Not the side door.

It's got to be here.

- Okay, Jim. - Yeah?

- Why not? - Why not?

Yes, Jim, okay, tomorrow.

JIM: All right, Carol.

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