Original subtitles

♪ They was sleeping on us, now they waking up ♪

♪ Why you do the most when you ain't done enough ♪

♪ Ay, ay, always wants the love but never show enough ♪

Are you number one... ♪

Thanks for hanging out, man.

I've been going a little stir-crazy.

It's not all bad, though, actually,

'cause I've been getting pretty into artisanal wallpaper.

It's a really cool community.

Finally.

You know, as cool as your bachelor life sounds,

I do think you should get out more.

Maybe meet someone.

I don't know. I mean, I'm not even divorced.

Doesn't have to be anything serious.

I like serious, though.

You know, I'm much more of a relationship guy

than I am a sex guy.

Ah. There's a little sex guy in all of us.

Well, now I'm imagining a little sex guy

inside of me, which I do not love.

What if you and me, we go out,

have a boys' night. If you meet a lady, dope.

If not, no worries. Super low-key.

Um, yeah, that sounds good. I'll-- I'll try.

- Gonna play? - Oh, yeah, sorry.

Hey.

What is that, 21-1?

Yeah, it's 21-1.

(phone chimes)

(phone chimes)

NATHANIEL: Sam. Come in.

- Have a seat. - SAMANTHA: Okay.

Uh, wanted to talk to you about the...

about the hot goss.

- The what? - Like, I'm new here,

so I'm, like, getting up to speed.

So, who's weird?

Who's cool?

Who do we avoid, right? Like, who's the worst?

I really don't want to do this, okay?

I-I mean, I used to do stuff like this all the time,

but now I just want to work.

- So... - Come on, I got no one

to talk to about this stuff.

What about Aaron in sales? Like...

- Come on. - He's not annoying?

Come on, you can't tell me he's not.

But he's cute; he, like, dresses well,

so he's got that going for him.

You can't say that. You're his boss.

Can I say handsome? What about swank?

- No. - Foxy.

- What? - Looking foxy.

- Ugh, don't say "foxy." - What's wrong with that?

Oh, come on, man. What is guys' obsession

with complimenting the way people look?

Like, what do you think is gonna happen if you don't?

Actually, you know what? This is a hot take.

- It is? - Yes, this is like,

is this the end of compliments in the workplace?

That's really good, Sam,

- I want you to write that up. - Okay.

We'll call it "Sam's Hot Takes."

Cool, yeah, I-I would love that.

You could just do a regular thing.

What if we call it this:

"Sober Sam's Hot Takes"?

It's your perspective, it's your angle.

Right. Yeah, no, let me, uh, let me think about that.

- Sleep on it, sleep on it. - Okay, yeah.

Ooh! "Sober Sam Sleeps On It."

Yeah, okay.

Picture your, like, bio, and it's, like, a drawing of you,

and you're, like, chewing on your pen,

and you're drooling 'cause you're sleeping,

and then the drool becomes the pen ink, right?

Oh.

♪ ♪

♪ So, you're looking for the truth ♪

♪ You think you want to know the truth ♪

BOB: Are you sure you don't want to hang out with us?

We have big plans.

We're gonna watch TV and eat frozen waffles.

He is eating the waffles.

- (laughs) - (tense chuckle)

I'm so glad you're dating again.

Me, too.

Especially Alex.

'Cause he's a normie, you know?

Like, a person who doesn't have to attend meetings

every single day to live a normal life.

Well, you don't have to go to meetings

every single day, Samantha.

Yes. Unfortunately, I do.

And so do most of the people that I've dated recently.

Which is why he is so exciting.

Like, I know what my shit is, you know, but what's his shit?

What is his shit?

I don't know. It's probably not that bad.

Well, you can never really know a person, though, can you?

BOB: You know, your mom's not wrong.

It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world

if you carried a little pepper spray with you.

You know, when I was in Ecuador--

this had to be like 15, 20 years ago...

- Bob? - Real quick.

I was big in the anarcho-environmentalist scene.

What I didn't realize, though, was that the cartels

were targeting the oil company protestors.

So, when we fly down there,

and I'm with, I'm with Squirrel and Jerry...

Okay, what's happening?

'Cause my Uber's almost here, so I need to...

- He is driving me crazy. - Mm-hmm.

He recorded Guy's Grocery Games on my DVR.

- So what? - So...

he deleted my Swedish mystery.

Now, I don't know how Jordskott ends.

I cannot escape him. He's always here

- playing his stupid guitar. - Okay.

And why is his shirt in my closet?

He has a perfectly good wardrobe down in the garage.

Okay, Mom, if he's bothering you this much,

- maybe you should take a break. - What do you mean?

I mean, if it's not working with Bob, then end it.

Why would you say that? Do you not want me to be happy?

Yes, I want you to be happy.

I'm saying, if you're not-- you--

I'm trying to be supportive.

Oh, well, there's supportive, and there's undermining.

And I need space.

- I get it. - (knocking)

BOB: Hey, what are you guys up to in there?

(whispering): Somebody kill me.

- SAMANTHA: Okay. - Why don't you kill me?

(whispering): Bob, she needs space.

Oh, sp... (clicks tongue)

All right, that was the context clue I was missing.

Um, well, I'm gonna go to the grocery store

and get some fixings for Guy's double-fried taquitos.

And I'm gonna go now.

Gah, get out!

- He's already gone. - (sighs)

Okay, look, I'm-- I'm not gonna say

that I'm glad you were fired, but...

Yeah, I'm not gonna say I'm glad I got fired, either.

That was really bad. But this is a silver lining.

I'm just really happy you said you'd go on a date with me.

Come on, did you think I wouldn't?

I didn't want you to think I was just gassing you up at work

because I was into you, because that's not the truth.

I think you're a really incredible writer.

You could have told me

that you were just doing all of that

'cause you thought I was hot.

I think I might have actually preferred it.

You are hot, that's fact.

But... you are also a very gifted writer.

- Okay, stop. - You are.

Why-why can't you take a compliment?

Sorry, you're right. I'm sorry.

Thank you for the compliment, I really enjoyed it.

All right, that was worse than the first time.

- (laughs) - I hated that even more.

I used to be just like you.

I grew up poor in Queens

and I never thought I should be invited to the party.

But truly, there is no invitation.

No one invited me to go to college.

I was the first in my family to do it.

I studied so hard, I didn't get laid for four years.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- That's impressive. - Thank you.

Did you see what I did there?

- Yes, you sincerely took the compliment. - You complimented me.

I took it, and it-- you felt good.

- It was nice, yeah. - (chuckles)

- Sir. Madam. - Yes.

Here's your Biondi Santi Brunello Di Montalcino.

It's bold, dry with a brightness,

tampered by notes of raisin, clove, and plum.

- Um... - (cork pops)

Sorry, none for me, thank you, I'm on antibiotics.

Oh, I didn't know you were si--

We didn't have to go out if you're sick.

- I'm not. I'm not. - ALEX: Oh.

It's just day six.

Day six of the course.

You know, trying to be a more responsible adult

and finish the whole thing for once in my life,

you know what I mean? It's like, you get the thing,

and then you take it for two days, and then you feel better,

and then they just sit in your drawer forever.

And so, I'm just trying this new thing where I--

But you should have the wine.

ALEX: I'll take some wine. Yeah, I'm healthy.

(both chuckle)

I will have hers and mine. (chuckles)

- Perfect. - (wine pouring)

- ALEX: Thank you so much. - SOMMELIER: You're welcome.

- (Alex chuckles) - (exhales)

(classical music playing)

(door opens)

JOEL: So, um, what do you like to do?

Oh, I like to lay in bed a lot and watch TV,

and sometimes eat in bed

if it's not, like, a red sauce or anything.

That's so funny.

Actually, I've been eating in bed a lot, too.

Mainly cereal, but I'm also eating cereal

for most meals, so it's a lot.

My friends are like, "You're so depressed."

And I'm like, what if I just enjoy the things

that happen to be symptoms of depression?

Yeah, no, I totally get that.

Though, to be fair, I have been pretty depressed.

Does it count as depression if we do it together?

I'm not sure.

Let's find out?

O-Okay, yeah. Great, that sounds great.

Great. I'm gonna go get my stuff.

Cool.

KENZIE: We're gonna go.

DREA: Oh. Okay.

So, uh, we're about to get out of here

and get some cereal.

What-- what does that mean?

- Oh, like, is it a sex metaphor or something? - Yeah.

No, no, we're literally just gonna get cereal.

That's weird.

(chuckling): But I love that for you.

I think I'm gonna stick around and get another one.

Another? Is that, is that, like, okay?

Oh, yeah. No, I'm just practicing moderation.

Doesn't really work for everybody,

but the other way didn't really work for me.

So, cut myself off at two beers, no hard liquor.

- Be fine. - Okay, cool.

- You ready to go? - Yeah.

Uh, hey, you want to stay for one more?

Actually, I gotta go.

I-I have a really early Pilates class.

Of course, yeah. Get home safe.

Okay.

Hey, buddy, you ready for the check?

Can I get another beer?

Yeah, you got it.

And, uh... could you add a shot to that?

BARTENDER: Yeah.

ALEX: I usually hate doggie bags, right?

Like, they're so stupid.

But this one has wine in it, so it's, like, so much cooler.

(laughs)

Is everything all right?

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

No, sorry, I was just, uh, thinking.

Like, good thoughts, or "this date sucked" thoughts?

No, I was thinking good thoughts.

(both chuckle)

(both chuckle)

Let me give you a ride home.

Actually, Alex, um, just real quick,

I wanted to tell you that, um...

My friend got dumped tonight.

Oh. I'm sorry, that's terrible.

Yeah, she's actually really upset,

and, like, she lives pretty close,

so I just feel like I should go check in on her

and make sure she's okay, you know.

Yeah, do whatever you have to do.

This was really great, though, so...

- Yes, it was. - Okay.

- Thanks for dinner. - Have a good night.

- Get home safe. - Okay. Yeah, you, too.

- Okay. - Okay.

♪ ♪

(door closes)

(Bob sighs)

All right, so they didn't have cilantro,

so I got parsley, 'cause it's, like, the same thing.

What is all this?

I am redoing the photos.

Oh, and here's one of my favorite students

who said I was like a mother to him.

So, that's a keeper.

Uh...

who are-- who are these people?

David's third cousins.

Third cousins, okay. Carol?

She has crossed a line, Bob.

I-Is that from her recovery program?

She has written down everything she hates about everyone.

It's 75 pages long,

and 50 of those pages are about me.

Fif... Wow.

50 pages, Bob.

Okay, Carol, you need to,

you know, put that back where you found it.

And she wrote about you, too.

Great. Okay, Carol, please.

Nothing positive can come from you reading that.

She wrote about you in great detail, Bob.

My love, I can't stress this any further.

You need to let this go. Do not engage in this...

I'm not engaging with either one of you.

I'm engaging with this, and this.

And good night.

Great. Okay.

(phone chimes)

(exhales)

(scoffs)

(toilet flushing)

(loud gurgling)

FELICIA: So, you told him you don't drink

- because you're on antibiotics. - Yes.

But I didn't mean to do that.

It just sort of fell out of my mouth.

You know, that's actually pretty clever.

What? No, it's not, it's embarrassing.

Now, I would have to, like,

make it a whole thing and tell him the truth.

I mean, is it even worth that awkward of a conversation?

I mean, yeah, if you care about him,

you should tell him what's up.

Are you sure?

What would I even say?

"Hey, Alex, thanks so much for that wonderful date.

"I'm an alcoholic, but I lied to you about that,

"because I'm an alcoholic. And then I lied to you

about my friend being dumped, 'cause I'm an alcoholic."

I think lying is for all the people.

It's sort of our thing, though.

There's even a term for it in the program.

- It's called "old behavior." - Oh, my God, Sam, stop, okay?

You don't own lying on a date.

I've been lied to by plenty of dudes.

You alcoholics just think you're all special.

- We are special. - Okay, look.

Everybody makes mistakes.

You just gotta own up to 'em so you can sleep

like you just took a Benadryl.

Yeah.

I still don't want to tell him.

Oh, my God, of course you don't.

Who wants to do anything?

There she is.

Do you actually need something this time?

'Cause I'm sort of busy working on that column.

Man, I gotta tell you, it is a shame

I can't compliment that cute coat.

- Love it. - (phone buzzing)

Okay, what do you need, Nathaniel?

Just want to shoot the breeze.

- Okay. - All right.

Little jam sesh.

Nathaniel, listen.

I am not the person for you to shoot the breeze with, okay?

I'm your employee, and I'm trying to do good work.

If you need to talk to somebody, that's totally understandable.

But just call your wife.

You were always going on about

how much you loved Karen at Bzzzzzzzzzz,

and how great your communication was.

So, communicate with her.

Just don't do it with me, please.

A-And please stop calling me in here

unless it's about an assignment, okay?

Uh, Kar-- Karen left me.

- What? - Uh, yeah, she's, uh...

she's-she's currently being reamed by a New York Yankee.

- Oh. - Yeah.

That's awful, and I'm-- I'm really sorry.

But I'm still not the person

you should be talking to about this, okay?

Uh, I would say you are the exact person

that I should be talking to about this.

I don't know anyone else whose life got screwed up so bad

and then came out of it okay and is thriving.

- You're the perfect person to talk to. - Okay.

Fine.

(sighs)

(sighs)

Is he an important Yankee?

Uh, it's Nestor Cortes.

- Whew. - Yeah.

And you know, I just thought taking this job,

coming to Boston, I could have

just, like, a fresh start.

But, God, I hate it here.

I just hate Boston.

I hate "chowdah."

It's warm fish juice. It's a con, it's bullshit.

But you know what, none of that matters,

because my wife left me for a Yankee.

Sorry.

(sighs)

(footsteps approaching)

Hi.

Are you feeling better about that whole diary meshugas?

- Sure. - Yeah.

Mm, see?

Get some food in your belly, a little time,

gives you perspective, and you can go on with your life

and just let go of all that stuff that you read, oof.

(whispering): I'm not gonna do that, Bob.

♪ ♪

(exhales)

Oh.

- Hey. - Hey.

Um, I didn't know you were gonna come by.

I would have wore hard pants.

- Oh. - You know. Please, come in.

Thanks.

Wow.

Really don't have, uh, much stuff, huh?

Yeah, it's kinda weird, right?

Do you, like, murder people?

No, my parents moved around a lot,

so I learned not to get attached to things.

- Huh. - Yeah.

Where do you keep your change, or your keys?

I can't tell you that until we get closer.

- Right. - Yeah.

- Right. - Come on, come sit down.

Oh, yeah.

- You all right? - I'm gonna stand.

Okay. Should I stand?

- No, you can sit. - Okay.

Um, so I just, uh, came here to tell you something,

and I'm just gonna tell you.

I lied to you.

I am not on antibiotics,

I'm actually a recovering alcoholic.

That's why I don't drink.

I don't know why I didn't just tell you that.

I should have. It's not something

that I'm, like, ashamed of or anything.

I mean, I used to be,

but I don't think that I am anymore.

Also, my friend didn't get dumped.

I don't know why I said that either.

But... I'm sorry that I lied,

and I'm sorry I'm so much.

I really wish that I wasn't.

I really like you,

and I've really liked getting to know you.

And so, I hope that you have a very nice life.

And, uh, goodbye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing? Where are you going?

I-- I don't give a shit about any of that.

Well, I care that you got healthy

and you stopped drinking, but...

I like you, and I don't think you're too much.

And we can still smoke weed, right?

No, I-- I don't do that either, actually.

That's a bit of a bummer, but we'll get past that, right?

Can you sit down?

Okay.

You all right?

So, you just want to, like, keep seeing each other?

Yeah.

(chuckles)

You're the weirdest person I've ever met.

Thank you.

Good job taking a compliment.

You taught me well.

Yes!

(both laughing)

- That was dope! - (laughing)

(sighs)

I can't do it. I can't.

I can't do it.

- You can. - Oh, damn it.

This is how you're gonna move on.

I want to wipe my ass with this.

I know.

I want to just grab it,

I want to go back to front, and then piss on it.

I know.

You have to put it on.

(sighing): Oh, man.

(groans)

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

That just feels wrong.

(Nathaniel sighs)

You look... foxy.

I know you're lying.

I am.

- But thank you. - You're welcome.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0