Original subtitles

(drumming) Ta-da!

- Jaq: Oh. - Bryce: Tasty treats!

Are these your famous three-ingredient scones?

Yes, they are.

Ooh, you can call me

George Thorogood & the Destroyers

'cause I'm bad to the scone.

(Laughing) Get in there.

Yeah, I learned how to make these in prison.

Um, where'd you get butter?

You find it.

(gulping)

Wendy: (Grunting) Little help here?

Oh, Wendy.

Oh, Wendy! Let me give you a--

- Ooh, yeah. - Oh.

- Thank you, Howard. - I was also gonna--

(Sighing) Sorry I'm late.

Got myself into a bit of a situation.

Mm-hm?

You know, my friend, Dottie, in circulation,

she's trying to save some books from extinction--

I'm sorry, "extinction?" Is that the word?

No. It's, uh-- Uncircu-fying?

Deading. Deading a book.

Either way, I offered to help.

So, she sent me 10 of each book, and anything we can do to help,

she would really greatly appreciate.

So, what have we got here?

How to Beat Any Nintendo 64 Game.

That's handy.

Uh, and, Mansplaining--

Well, that's, um...

That's there. And An Uncivil War,

The Five Moments the South Could Have Turned the Tide.

Hopefully that's not the Civil War we think it is.

No. It, uh, it definitely is.

I don't know, guys, maybe these books should be Darwin-ized.

Look, we shouldn't be forced to circulate any book.

As Granny Delora once said,

"When something's old and nearly dead,

bury it before the stench kills us all."

Why does Dottie want us to save these books?

She didn't say and I didn't ask. Look, I need a solid.

Dottie only has eight fingers and it's my fault.

You know what? I'll help. I'm sorry, what?

Oh, Howard! Thank you. Thank you so much. My hero!

Yeah, I mean, it's my pleasure.

You know, at Midtown we always created demand

by doing a book push.

Oh, I love this!

Use anyone and anything you need.

Seriously? Well, I'd kill for a subcommittee.

- Done. Jaq, Bryce. - A subcommittee?

Help Howard out.

For Dottie!

All (half-heartedly): For Dottie.

And for her three-legged dog, Ringo.

All (half-heartedly): And for her three-legged dog, Ringo.

♪

Subcommittee! Our post-meeting meeting begins, wait for it...

Now! Roll call. Jaq?

There are three of us. We're here.

Present. Bryce?

Delightfully present.

Alright, very good. We have a quorum.

So, at Midtown we used a friendly competition to

help push books that we wanted off our shelves.

One flaw. Competition is a fundamental

element of capitalism and I'm a socialist.

- (groaning) - Remember, this isn't for me.

- This is for Wendy. - Jaq: Is it though?

I sort of feel like Dottie's the only one winning here.

Lucky Dottie and her eight fingers.

Wendy: I'm just trying to help.

Unhoused Wendy: I don't care! I don't care!

Wendy: You're being so unreasonable!

I'm leaving! I don't feel safe here!

What?!

You're the one with a purse full of sharpened toothbrushes!

And I will not hesitate to use one.

(all gasping)

Okay, I went too far.

(all gasping)

Wendy!

Have those two ever argued like that before?

Never.

I'm going to check on her.

Oh, no, no. Just give her a minute to cool down.

You know what would make her feel better?

Hm?

Is if the two of you push books with me.

Okay. Fine, but I'm not saying "book push." Ew.

Ah, you just did.

(loud thudding)

(beeping)

It couldn't be simpler.

See, there's three books and three of us.

Why don't we each take a book and try to move it?

And whoever gets rid of their book first, wins something.

Like what?

Well, I'm meeting Dane for lunch today.

Maybe I could get him to give us a couple of museum tickets.

Oh, I thought it was going to be something we wanted to do.

you know what? I'm not having this argument again.

The Acropolis On-top-olis exhibit was pure fire.

Oh, it was fire, Howard? It was pure fire?

Okay, look, I know where this is going--

No. No, no, no, no. As a fellow youth,

I totes agree, fam.

Museums aren't cringe, they're lit, bitch.

(groaning)

Are you quite finished?

Yes, bitch. Slay.

Slay.

How about extra paid days off?

Wendy: She's stubborn and mean.

Like a goat that missed breakfast.

Why was she so upset?

Exactly! What's her problem?

- No, no, no. I'm asking you-- - (bell dinging)

Wendy, I need to use the employee washroom.

Someone's in the big, nice one with all the handle bars.

The accessible one?

Just use the one you're supposed to.

I need privacy when I am doing private things.

And the stalls aren't private enough?

The gap by my feet is unnerving.

Go over to Coffee & Such, then.

The place with the one-ply?

You know, why don't you just hand me sandpaper, Sheila?

No, before it's too late,

I'll have an accident in the stacks.

Yes, I'll do it.

It's not an accident if it's a threat.

Okay, go!

Thank you!

He is far too comfortable.

The individual with the most books signed out

by 5:00pm today wins all three personal days.

Pick a book, Jaq.

Ladies first after all.

Nope. Screw you. Bryce, you go.

Finally, a white man gets some love.

Okay, you know what? You ruined it.

Alright. Uncivil War. What?!

Okay, and I got Mansplaining--

Nintendo 64.

- I'll trade you? - Please!

I wanted Mansplaining, anyway. It's an important book.

And I'll tell you why, young lady--

Absolutely not. No. Listen to me.

No tradesies and no redraws, this is what it is.

Incipiant ludi.

Let the games begin.

(rattling)

(knocking) Excuse me.

Hi. It's Wendy, the branch manager.

Is everything okay?

Wendy? If that you in there?

(rustling)

This silent treatment is real mature.

(thudding)

And it is not fair that you're acting this way

when you're the one who should be apologizing!

Is the name of a great podcast I just started.

Hey, Jaq. How you doing with your book?

Well, I haven't seen any complete dill-holes yet,

so I still have 10.

Yeah. Me neither.

I probably won't have to try too hard, though.

Okay, let's get you sorted.

(chuckling)

You know what? You are going to love this book, you know?

So important to read our history so we don't repeat it.

Or write about it again. Alright, take care. All set.

I'm sorry, guys. That's two down, eight to go.

- Easy peasy. - Two down?! What the fu--

Ew, gross. I'm not losing to a guy who says "peasy."

- Seriously. - Yeah.

Hi, you look like you like explaining things.

- This is an excellent book. - Hey, check this book.

- You are gonna love this. - It's called Mansplaining.

You look like a nerd. Are you a nerd?

(creaking)

(creaking)

(gasping)

The only way to topple the patriarchy

is by understanding it,

and the only way we can understand it is

by reading this book. Bam!

Are you reverse-mansplaining me?

I see what you did there,

but reverse oppression's not a thing.

Is this about how to stop mansplaining or how to start?

Which is better?

Yeah, I'm gonna stick with The Y Chromosome.

Oh, I just read that, it's amazing.

It's actually my staff pick of the month.

And Mansplaining is next month?

No. Oh, no. It's not my pick.

Like, it's kinda-- I'm just trying to, um--

If you read it, it's a page turner.

Um, hi.

Welcome to Jameson.

We are showcasing some titles around here.

Maybe this one catches your eye. It's called Mansplaining.

- I guess-- - Ah!

I've been looking for this!

Okay.

You have no idea how important this book is.

(chuckling) Okay, well, have a good day.

Going on break so I can throw up.

I saw that. Very impressive.

I love how you're connecting with our community.

It's all Howard's fault. He's the worst.

Or the best.

Right this way to periodicals, good sir!

Oh, say. Are you into civil wars?

No, what I said.

Good news!

I got another book for you.

I really want these five books.

- Oh, take another one. - You know I can't.

My parents have a very strict rule about

how many books I can take out at a time.

What's that over there?

(beeping)

Hey, you just scanned that book.

No I didn't.

Yes, you did. Take it off.

If my parents check my account, they're going to ground me.

They won't check.

They check every time! Take it off!

I'll tell you what. How about we don't scan

one of the other books so it looks like you've only got

five in the system here?

And then what? I get hooked on taking out six,

then seven, then nine?

Until Dad checks my book-bag

and I get busted with 10 hardcovers?

You know, it sounds like your--

(slamming)

Keep your gateway book.

Okay.

Thank you.

Unscanned. There you go.

Oops.

(groaning)

Howard, question for you.

Yeah, anything. What do you need?

I just saw Jaq initiate a conversation with a patron.

What's going on?

We're having a little contest,

and the winner gets paid days off from the others.

Can you do that?

Yeah, Wendy's cool with it.

You know, she put me in charge of the subcommittee.

Looks like someone's finally fitting in.

Hey, do you have lunch plans?

Do you want to get something to eat?

Yes! I mean, why not? I mean, I like lunch.

Well, great. Coffee & Such? We can walk over together.

Perfect.

You're definitely not peeing.

What gives?

Wendy, we have to talk eventually,

and I'd rather do it face to face.

You know I was just looking out for you, right?

I actually care about your wellbeing.

Wendy?

Alright, I'm getting the fob.

Oh, did you hear?

Two books left.

Seriously?! I still have six!

Seven.

No, that's it.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

She's pushing her book on our social!

That's the library's account, Jaq!

You gotta push all the books.

Well, then I guess you should log in and make a post.

By the time I figure out how to do that,

all your books'll be gone!

Then I guess you should've listened when I young-splained

social media to you.

Fine. Time to bring out the heavy artillery.

Here today, scone tomorrow.

- Hm. - Hah!

Okay, finally. Guess what?

I am about to go to lunch in a minute with Sheila.

I know! She asked me. Can you believe it?

That's huge. Are you nervous?

A little. What do you think?

Tuck or untuck?

You're a badass mother-tucker, Howie.

Okay, I know you meant that sarcastically,

but I'm taking it as a compliment.

That means that you'll be gone for a while.

Perfect.

Jaqueline, do not make me laugh.

I will be back soon enough to wrap up this competition

in a neat little bow.

Yeah, probably.

I don't think my post about mansplaining will get much

traction on a the Internet.

Oh, Howard. Howard's thinking,

"Sheila, day off, Sheila, day off."

Oh, a potential soul mate or--

or a day to get paid to delve into new exhibits.

Ugh! E pluribus unum, what to do!"

Now you're thinking, "She's misusing Latin !

Do I correct her or go on my date?

Is this even a date?" (grunting mockingly)

(both grunting)

Bryce: Okay. (chuckling)

Alright.

Jaq: Right over here, gentlemen.

Okay. One for you, and one for you,

and one for you, and one for your friend?

Eh? You got a friend who wants this? Yeah?

- Hey, hey, hey. - Come on.

You guys don't want that book.

It's marked. There's a lady lib group

that tracks any man that checks it out,

and if they catch you-- (clicking, popping)

Okay, don't listen to him,

and I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

He learned how to make those in prison.

They're three-ingredient scones.

One of the ingredients is butter.

They are-- They are delicious! This is discrimination, Jaq!

Get your books here!

How to Beat Any Nintendo 64 Game!

Like, all of them!

- Man: Hey, dawg! Dawg! - Yeah? Yeah?

Cut it with all that noise, fam! This a library, dawg.

Sorry, sorry.

Man: And why them scones so dry?!

They too dry even for scones, fam!

Okay, I-I am sorry, but, um, now it seems like

you're being the loud one.

Man: Touche.

Howard: Thanks for lunch.

It's nothing.

Thanks for saying yes.

Hey, you two want some carrot muffins?

Mom.

It's okay. My mom's a food pusher too.

We're fine, thank you.

Oh, she don't care about feeding us.

Why you pushing muffins, Old Lady?

(sucking teeth)

Your fool of a father bought an extra dozen.

They gon' expire. Take them, no?

Mom, we're good. Leave us now.

I'll bring six.

You can take them back to the library.

Hey, how come I never see your mom and dad here together?

I mean, I know they're divorced, but it can't be that bad.

Oh, it's bad. Like, stabbed-in-the-leg bad.

So, did she stab him or did he stab her?

Mm. Yes.

Oh, God.

Well, then I'm glad that I dodged

the whole marriage bullet.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive.

I know that things are kind of rough with you and your ex.

It's okay. The divorce is almost official now.

Really?

Dane: Really?

Dane! I mean, Dane, this is Sheila.

Sheila, this is Dane.

Would you excuse me for one second?

Yeah.

Dude, I am so sorry. I totally forgot,

but Sheila asked me to lunch.

I took two streetcars here, dude. Two.

You poor thing. I'm so sorry.

I promise I'll make it up to you.

But it's good to see you as usual!

You know what? Try a muffin, carrot.

Does he want to join us?

Uh, no. He's got one too many streetcars to ride.

No, no, no, no, no. You can't send these out yourself.

That doesn't count, right?

Oh, I know.

These are perfect for your LAN party.

LAN party?

You're not the only one who knows

how to use the Internet, Jaq.

Ever hear of Reddit?

Have you?

Have a great day.

No, don't...

One book left.

- No. No, no. - (imitating explosion)

The key fob is in here somewhere, I know it.

(groaning)

(knocking) Wendy, open up!

It's too far now.

Do you want me to get the tools?

(groaning)

No, Ervin. It's okay. Thank you.

I'm sorry. Okay? I'm-- I'm sorry.

I didn't know that finding you a place to live

would be such a terrible thing.

It took forever to get you into that program.

Oh...

I over-stepped, didn't I?

You know me. I'm passionate. I--

I don't know why this isn't a good thing for you,

but I'm listening now.

(thumping)

So, what's up?

(thumping)

(loud crashing)

Wendy?

Wendy!

(knocking) Wendy!

Stay alive!

Hey, you look like a loser. In a good way.

Wendy: Help! Help, it's Wendy!

We gotta get that washroom open!

What happened?!

I don't know. I think she collapsed.

The door is stuck.

Oh, no. I am not a ginger beer guy.

You trust me?

That's a trick question. So, yes.

Have at it.

- Mm! - (laughing)

Wow. That tastes like a temperature.

It's good to know that you trust me.

I'm not sure I do anymore.

I miss joking with people.

It's been a while.

Well, what happened with Adonis?

I'm just not the person I was when I was 23. You know?

Yeah.

Huh.

What?

My ex, I think that, well,

maybe she might be in the same boat.

You know. The S.S. I've Outgrown You.

(laughing)

I'm sure it wasn't the same thing.

Look, I'm not upset anymore.

She was right.

Just took me a while to see it.

How long did it take you?

Just now.

Well, personally, I think you're a really good guy, you know?

You're smart, you're attentive,

you're easy to talk to.

So easy that I forgot the reason that I asked you to lunch.

I am taking my finals soon and I need help studying.

It's weird, I know, but you just are so detail-oriented,

you know all that Latin--

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Tu in me.

You in me?

No, no! "Tu in me."

It's Latin for "you can depend on me." I'll help.

Oh. Oh, okay. Thank you.

It would mean seeing me outside of work.

Well, look, I think I'll manage.

- (spitting) - (laughing)

You got a soft throat.

(beeping)

(snapping fingers)

What's going on here?

Wendy's in there, we think she's hurt.

Okay, almost got it, and-- Yeah!

(gasping)

Wendy?

(all gasping)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jaq, say something to it.

I'm Native, not a (bleep) superhero!

Howard: It's staring right at me.

Easy, Howie.

(growling)

- Oh-- - Oh, my God.

Everybody, just don't worry. Don't sweat.

-Bryce: It can smell confusion! -(overlapping screams)

Bryce: Cover your bits! Cover your bits!

Open the door, Howard!

Howard: No!

Bryce: You're right next to it!

Where's Wendy?

I don't know.

Wendy was a racoon.

Oh, how was lunch?

Good, not great.

Hey, team. Looks like that raccoon was

living in our ceiling for a while.

Mm.

Would explain the smell.

But, hey! Thank you so much for the book push!

Watching you all engage with our community was exactly

what I needed today, plus or minus a toilet raccoon.

Well, it was our pleasure.

Oh, and Dottie called.

She's tracking the books and she is so happy.

Dottie is happy that books about the South winning

the Civil War are moving?

Mm-hm.

Wendy, I don't think this Dottie is a good friend for you.

Oh, she's adorbs. You would love her.

She is a part-time archer!

- Sorry, part-time? - Why would we love that?

I'm starting to think Dottie's not real.

- Oh, yeah. No, totally! - That she exists.

It makes sense that she doesn't exist,

because I don't understand--

(meowing)

Have you done this before or?

Uh, something like this.

There it is. I was looking for that.

- Thank you, Saint Anthony. - Wendy!

Geez!

I'm so sorry. I-- I overstepped.

I promise I will consult you

if I ever do anything like that again.

Good, because you don't know what's best for me,

and that place you got me

is wrong for a hundred reasons.

A hundred reasons?

It's outside of the city.

All my health resources are here in Parkdale.

All my food resources. All my friends are here.

Aww, we're your friends.

Don't make me regret this.

Listen, I've done programs like that

and they always end badly.

Okay.

But where have you been all day?

As you know, once a year

me and my squad go through Drake's garbage.

(gasping) Drake Day!

Has it been a year already?

Oh, and this year his trash was lit.

(both laughing)

Check this out.

- I found this. - Oh.

It's an Aubrey.

- Wow. - Yes.

What's it for?

I have no idea.

(both laughing)

Maybe he got it for wearing those skinny little beards.

Oh, the skinny beards to match the skinny jeans.

Yes.

Oh, the skinny beards to match the skinny jeans.

It's almost home time.

Looks like it's gonna end in a tie, guys.

Mm-hm. Oh, Howard, we forgot to tell you that

your friend came by earlier.

He knows. He knows.

Dane, you came back.

Do you wanna grab some dinner?

Mm, got plans. I'm gonna curl up with this book tonight.

(gasping)

- No, no. No, no, no, no, no. - Um, no. We've got other books.

Exactly. I promise you,

you don't know what you're doing.

Oh, I do.

Bryce: Bag it and tag it, Howie. Woo!

Dane, I mean. There's two other books here.

You haven't left the library yet.

Technically, you haven't gotten it.

You can change your mind, it's not too late!

(humming rhythmically)

Jaq: Oh, my.

(humming rhythmically)

Ooh! (grunting)

Jaq: No.

Man: You happy now?

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