Original subtitles

[drumroll]

[cheerful electronic music]

♪ ♪

[laughs]

[whimpering]

Uh! Wah!

♪ ♪

[exclaims] [frog ribbits]

[frog croaks]

[laughing]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

♪ ♪

[car horn honks]

[toy meows]

Ta-da!

- Ah! - Ugh.

[chuckles] [whistles]

Whoa! Ah!

- [chuckles] - Aww.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[acoustic guitar music]

* Her pounding hooves, the flowing mane ♪

♪ Galloping across the golden plain ♪

♪ Sparkle Horse, so self-possessed ♪

♪ She's wild, as wild as the West ♪

[laughing] [phone buzzes]

Darling!

Tell me again why I'm meeting you at your father's.

I know why, Mommy.

Oh, we're just dropping off Angelica

so we can get a head start on your birthday weekend.

Drew, I loathe surprises.

I can barely tolerate uncertainty.

But sometimes it's nice to give up control, right?

Charlotte?

I'm here, I'm just pondering the absurdity

of that question.

See you both soon. Kisses.

What do you know about Drew's surprise?

Three days off.

No calls, no texts, and no driving by my house.

- Deal. - According to Angelica,

you're going somewhere, her words, "very fancy,"

called Hot Springs.

Thank goodness.

I was worried Drew would throw some silly party just

because it's a milestone year.

- [gasps] - Did I say milestone?

I meant hot stone, as in spa weekend, here I come!

[upbeat music]

My daddy says there are cowboys and horsies,

and we have to be careful we don't step in cow poop,

especially you, Tommy,

since you don't have any shoes.

Oh, I'll be careful.

Not me. Bring on the poop!

Do you think this is the year we'll finally find out

how old Charlotte really is?

Hah. We have a better chance of stumbling into a pit

of friendly rattlesnakes.

Snake bite kit.

She's here!

Enjoy your birthday.

And remember our deal.

Mm-hmm.

all: Surprise!

Freedom! [tires screech]

Take me with you!

Mommy said she doesn't like surprises.

[sighs]

[horse neighs] - Welcome to Tot Springs,

where everyone's a cowpoke.

This former mining town has been re-imagined

to bring the fun back into the Wild West.

And if you're here celebrating your little buckaroo's

birthday, you're in for a rootin' tootin' treat--

a bouncing bunny birthday cake.

Cake and bunnies?

Cynthia, I think I flied and gone to heaven.

Ugh, won't there be bunny fuzz in the cake?

Only if we're lucky.

Listen up, this whole weekend is for my mommy's birthday.

So the cake and the bunnies are only for peoples

related to me.

Tough love, babies.

But Tommy's your cousin. That counts.

Shows what you know, Susie Carmichael.

Cousins aren't real relatives.

Even I know that's not true.

Fine, then only Tommy can have

a piece of cake, but no bunny!

- No fair! - But bunny cake!

I'll share with you guys.

Ugh, always the goody-no-shoes.

[banjo music]

♪ ♪

- Ooh. - Ooh, a fire pit.

- Wow, look at this. - How quaint.

A lot of the pioneers didn't actually make it--

Y'all fixing to have a good time?

Yippy kay yay, we are.

Howdy, folks. I'm Miss Mellie.

Welcome to Tot Springs.

Now let's get these little cowpokes gussied right up.

- [chuckles] - We better get our wiggle on.

No sense piddling was so much fun to be had.

- No ma'am. - Piddling?

Right behind you.

I'm not sure I like being a cow bloke.

This hat smells funny.

But it looks great, Chuckie.

Do you think ghosts live here?

Definitely ghosts cows.

M-moo!

Which means ghost cow poo.

I know this is a lot to take in,

but I have one more surprise.

Your mother flew in from London.

- [rooster crows] - Drew, what were you thinking?

I've avoided my mother for nearly a decade.

Angelica has never even met her.

And you know she'll delight in telling everyone

I'm turning 40!

Birthday gal, we've got a special treat just for you.

[chicken clucking] [sheep bleating]

Do it and I'll chew off your hands.

Trail mix?

I think that's for the sheep.

Oh.

Ooh, snackies.

[munching happily]

Y'all ready for some good old-fashioned mutton bustin'?

[rings bell]

[children laughing]

[sheep bleating]

Be brave, Chuckie.

Tenacity, Angelica.

Don't let that sheep get the best of you.

Guess who?

- Hello, Mo-- - Judith.

And please explain why you're wearing a flowered sack.

Not here.

Darling, fabulous news.

I've gotten married.

[camera shutter clicks] - Is this husband

number four or five? I've lost count.

Math was never your strong suit.

His name is Julian.

Cheese! [camera shutter clicks]

And I can't wait for you to meet him.

Oh, but there's one little thing.

He thinks I'm 50, not 70.

Ooh! [camera shutter clicks]

Why would anyone hide their true age?

I didn't hide it.

He just never asked.

Apparently, taking fabulous care of myself paid off.

Anyway, I've told Julian that you are my younger sister.

Try to look the part.

Don't frown, sweetie. It makes lines.

[camera shutter clicks]

♪ ♪

Lovey, Simon and I have been searching everywhere for you.

Hello, I'm Julian.

You must be Charlotte, the, uh--birthday buckaroo.

[chuckling] You're getting the bunny cake.

Aren't you A little bit old?

Yes, lucky me.

Judith, you didn't tell me you got a bonus child

with your new marriage?

Because I know you love surprises.

Julian, Simon, this is Charlotte,

my precious baby sister.

I'm your auntie Judith.

So that means Simon is your cousin.

I bet you'll be best friends.

I have a new cousin?

Isn't that exciting?

Why don't you and Simon play with the babies

while I introduce my...

sister to everyone?

[munching]

Babies, this is Simon, my long-losted cousin.

That's Tommy, my baby cousin, and his drooly friends,

Chuckie, Susie, Phil, and Lil.

Hiya, Simon.

What's that thing?

This?

A yo-yo.

It's not for babies.

Ha!

You're speaking my language, cousin.

Hey, how old are you, anyway?

Four and 1/4.

Exact same as me.

You're not four and 1/4.

Pay no attention to anything those babies say.

Their brains haven't enveloped yet.

You know what would be hilarious?

Let's open up this gate and let out all the sheep!

Huh? [sheep bleating]

- Wild sheep! - That's a lot of wool.

- Wild sheep! - Whoa!

[both laughing]

Did you two unhitch this here gate?

Certainly not.

The babies did it.

Miss Mellie, we tried to stop them,

but they don't know words yet.

Naughty cow pokes around these parts end up

in that little tot time-out.

[screeching]

[giggling]

[sheep bleating]

It's like having two Angelicas,

only one is wearing pants.

Oh, maybe they letted the sheep out

and blameded us on accident.

Angelica's never bad on accident.

[cow moos] [pigeon coos]

[gasps] Oh, isn't this charming?

[gasps] Char-Char, do you remember that Christmas

train ride where you threw up all over Mother's

white suede skirt?

Mother should never have fed foie gras to a five-year-old.

So how many years are there between you two?

- 15. - 10.

We're going to need y'all to be junior deputies.

You never know what rascally outlaws we might encounter

on this here train ride.

A badge and a new cousin?

My mommy's birthday keeps getting better and better!

[piano playing]

Told you ghosts live here.

[train whistle toots]

Is anyone else sick from that trail mix?

- Uhh, uhh. - Hm? Um--

Honey, you OK?

I'm fine.

Maybe a little ginger ale would help.

Sarsaparillas at the end of the car,

along with fresh squeezed cactus juice.

You all follow me, partners.

The cactus juice is on me.

[stomach lurches] - Oh, oh, ah.

[piano playing continues]

I'm going to be sick!

The engineer is stalling the train.

Look out, everyone!

There's been a report of bandits in these parts.

Wow, it's like the real deal. [chuckles]

Hyep, yep.

Y'all stay calm and we will skedaddle right quick.

Now, empty your pockets in this here hat.

I think the piano's too fast.

It's making those cowboys be bad.

Maybe I can make it stop.

[laughs]

Hurry, Tommy.

They've got ropes and pointy boots!

Um, guys, I'm stuckted.

Angelica, we need your help!

[sighs] They always need me.

Forget those beastly children.

We're deputies.

Come on! - Huh?

Take that, you amateur train robbers.

Uh-oh, Beans, it's the junior deputies!

We're outnumbered, Hank.

What are we gonna do?

[piano playing]

[crashing]

[piano stops]

Uhh--the music stopped, so--

Uh, lucky for you, we have another train to rob!

[all laughing]

Looks like there's a new deputy in town.

- [gasps] - The grownups can't resist

a baby with a toy.

You'll get used to it. - No.

No, I won't.

Unlike you, Angelica, I will not stand for this.

[toilet flushing]

Ooh, what'd I miss?

Here y'all go, rattlesnake stew.

Bon appetite.

Huh. Says here that in the Old West,

this was a delicious common meal.

Well, I've never been more grateful to be a modern man.

[chickens clucking]

Time to gallop on out of this dusty old town, Cynthia,

and live your dream of being the first

astronaut cowgirl superstar.

[sighs] Your doll-play bores me.

I'm going to have some real fun.

[clucking] - [laughing]

Hi, Simon.

Wanna play chase the chicken?

Bad chicken, bad chicken, bad chicken!

Actually, I'd much rather a game of nick the ice lolly.

That sounds fun. How do you play?

Uh-- - I win.

Hey, give me back my icy plop!

Oh, I would, but that's not how the game works.

Pity. - But you already have one.

Well, I want two.

Here, Tommy, you can have mine.

I don't want any trouble.

Give it back, or I'm gonna tell Angelica.

Tell Angelica what?

Your cousin took-ted Tommy's plop and won't give it back.

So, he's just playing around.

But you never let anyone take our stuff

on account of that's your job.

Very well. Here you go.

Uhh! Ahh! Ahh!

[laughs]

Hilarious.

Come on, cousin.

Uh--um--

Hey, wait for me!

I guess Angelica cares more about her new cousin

than she cares about her old one.

He said no texts or calls,

but he never mentioned pigeons.

"Jonathan, comma, I need you to come

save me from this whole pioneer family nightmare."

230 Olive Avenue.

Look for a well-groomed man with a penchant

for cheap cologne. [pigeon cooing]

- Young lady-- - Ah!

You wanna leave your own birthday weekend?

Hmm. - Yes, I do, Judith!

I was brought here under false pretenses.

And I'm completely exhausted by having

to perpetuate this sisterhood charade of yours.

Judy, I'm on to you.

- Julian. - You said I'd love

a folksy American experience, and you were right.

Look what I found in my rattlesnake stew.

A fang!

[laughs]

Oh, it's so nice to see you two sisters having quality time.

[banjo music]

And that is how you pan for gold.

Who knows? Y'all might get lucky

and find some genuine gold nuggets.

Here's something for you, Philip.

Better than gold.

I founded one!

Sorry, that's mine.

It just fell out of my pan, actually.

Now, if you don't mind. - Wait.

You weren't even looking for gold, was he Angelica?

Tommy's right. Come on, Simon.

Let's look over there. - No need, thanks.

[all gasp] [laughs]

Hey, at least when I do something to the babies,

they kinda sorta deserve it.

You do it because they're littler than you

and can't fight back.

You don't get it, do you?

That's what being bad is all about.

Oh, piffle.

Why do I bother explaining to one who's so nice?

I am not nice!

I'm bad!

A bajillion times badder than you!

He's up to something, Cynthia.

And I should know, 'cause I'm the one usually up to stuff.

♪ ♪

* Sparkle Horse so self-possessed, she's wild ♪

♪ As wild as the West ♪

♪ ♪

♪ No other horse could move as fast ♪

♪ Her equine beauty is unsurpassed ♪

♪ But the one trait that must be stressed ♪

♪ She's wild, as wild as the West ♪

♪ Hey, ohh, whoa ♪

♪ Sparkle Horse, mystifying Sparkle Horse ♪

♪ Sparkle Horse, electrifying, Sparkle Horse ♪

♪ There's no denying she won't rest ♪

♪ You'll never know what's coming next ♪

♪ As wild as the West ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ As wild as the West ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ There's no denying she won't rest ♪

♪ You'll never know what's coming next ♪

♪ As wild as the West ♪

A hoedown?

I specifically said no dancing.

This is her big birthday.

Oh, I better find Charlotte to warn her.

Uh, you all heard him, right?

It's her 4-0.

Are we sure?

Wouldn't Charlotte have told us?

[old timey piano music playing]

I'm taking over your land.

There's oil under here and I want it.

[laughs] You're a scoundrel, Durk Snively.

I saw you sneaking around.

What's in the bag?

Maybe this is for you and now you've ruined the surprise.

- It's for me? - Shh!

[laughs] Don't be ridiculous.

This is for the bunny birthday cake.

What fun are bunnies when you can have reptiles? [laughs]

But that's my mommy's cake.

You'll wreck it.

It's a horrible thing to do.

You really aren't very good at being bad, are you?

If being bad is ruining birthdays

with slimy lizards instead of floppy bunnies,

then I don't wanna be bad!

Wow. This is big.

Angelica, I'm your cousin, too.

And I think we should stop Simon.

I don't know about this, Tommy.

Yeah, we could end up in that scary time-out place.

A cow baby gotta do what a cow baby's gotta do.

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪

What are you doing back here?

No kids allowed near the cake.

Oh, I was just going to tell you that I saw

some bunnies running loose.

There must be a hole in the pen.

No one's gonna miss a few rabbits.

Mr. Train Robber Chef, that's my mommy's cake.

And if there aren't the 'zac right number

of baby bunnies inside, she will shut this place down.

'Cause she's got the powers of the peoples.

[sighs]

I'm not just bad, I'm super bad.

I'll keep a lookout while you get

those lizards into the cake.

Brilliant. There might be hope for you after all.

Babies, now!

[sheep bleating]

Nice try, but I've learned a few tricks

in my four and 1/4 years.

[banjo music]

[bleating]

- Ahh! - Oh, no!

Hey! What's the big idea?

It won't open.

[grunting]

Great. Now we're stuck to the cake.

No fair.

All the frosting's on the outside, not the inside.

At least there's no lizards.

- Just this one. - Phil!

[playing upbeat one-man-band music]

♪ ♪

Well, howdy!

What say we get the birthday gal up here?

- Giddy up. - Go birthday girl.

- Come one, Charlotte. - Giddy up.

Hello, Daddy, Judith.

[dramatic banjo music]

♪ ♪

Now be sure to make a wish 'fore you

blow out those candles.

[children's muffled voices]

Our babies are inside the cake!

I heard Tommy!

It's all right. There are air holes.

The little tykes are fine and we'll get

that cake open right quick.

Birthday gal, now would be a good time for a little speech.

Thank you Miss Mellie.

Family, friends, I would like to express

my heartfelt gratitude to you for indulging me.

I have been evasive long enough.

Today I turn 40 years old!

There, it's out.

I hope you'll still regard me as part of

your generational demographic.

What an inspiration.

Now I can bring my truth to light.

I am proud to say that I am not Charlotte's sister,

but I am her fun-loving young aunt.

[chuckles] - [clears throat]

Uhh, sure. Oh, let's go all the way.

I am Charlotte's mother.

You're my nana?

Technically, yes, darling.

But we'll come up with a name for me that

doesn't scream grandmother.

[stomach gurgles] Whoa. Here.

Dede, what's wrong?

You've been sick the whole time.

Stu, I'm not sick.

I'm pregnant.

What?

We're gonna have another baby?

- I knew it! - You're having another baby!

It wasn't the sheep feed, after all. [laughs]

Well, that's good timing.

Everyone will be so absorbed in Didi's big news

that they will forget what we just confessed.

Won't they? Mother?

Oh, one can only hope.

But happy birthday, my dearest only daughter.

[upbeat acoustic music playing]

Come on, darling. Work that pioneer dress.

- Hee-hoo! - Yee-haw!

♪ ♪

Hurrah, a lucky win for a most unimpressive baddie.

I'm just glad you're not my cousin anymore,

'cause I already got the best there is,

even if he is bald and toothless.

♪ ♪

[gasps]

Simon! Now!

Oh, I had a little talk with my new Nana and Grandpa

and told them everything you did.

It was hilarious.

Thanks, Angelica.

I guess we're the onliest cousins again.

Yep, just and me.

Now, let's get some cake.

But only small pieces for you babies.

And I get all the frosted flowers!

And the bunnies! Don't touch the bunnies!

♪ ♪

[clucks] [coos]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Klasky Csupo.

♪ ♪

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